Some planet deep in the Federation that no one has been to. Riker, Data, Geordi are checking out the flora.
Riker: What do you make of it, Data?
Data: It appears to be a large pod, but there are no roots. I am not sure what it is. I think we would be better able to examine it in a lab.
Geordi: Data’s right. There’s movement inside, but I can’t see it.
Riker: Of course not. You’re blind. Transporter room, three to beam up.
Riker, Data and Geordi dematerialize with the pod in Data’s hands.
Biology Lab: Riker, Picard, Data, Crusher and Wesley are examining the pod.
Wesley: Let me see! I want to see!
Picard: Shut up Wesley! Data, what do you make of it?
Data: It appears to be dormant at this time, Captain. I am not quite certain whether it is harmful or not.
Picard: Hmmm. You mean it could be dangerous.
Data: I believe that is what I said.
Wesley: Let me see! I want to see! Why are adults always so big?
Picard: Shut up Wesley!
Riker: It’s my fault, Captain. I let him have ice cream for desert. It won’t happen again.
Riker backhands Wesley.
Picard: See that it doesn’t. (to the intercom) Picard to bridge.
Worf: Worf here, Captain.
Picard: Worf, is the decontamination circuitry working on the transporter?
Worf: No sir. I believe an engineer is working on the transporter. Apparently, the decontamination circuitry is inoperative. Do you want them to fix it?
Picard: Oh. Oh, yes, of course. Make it so. (to the rest) I think it would best if we isolated the pod. I think we should leave the lab until we know what we are dealing with.
Everyone turns to leave except Wesley who moves closer.
Wesley: Let me see!
Picard: Shut up Wesley!
The pod opens and a strange alien creature attacks. It attaches itself to Wesley’s face and coils its thickly muscled tail around Wesley’s neck.
Wesley: Urghhh! Gluck! Guhhhhgghhh!
Picard: Thank you!
Crusher: Oh my god! It’s got my son.
Riker: Wesley, I thought I told you no “seconds”, remember?
Data: How interesting. It appears to be predatory, Captain.
Picard: Indeed. I think you are right.
Crusher: Will somebody do something!!!!
The door opens and Yar bursts in.
Yar: Wesley, didn’t I explain to you about using aliens? Stand back everybody.
Yar sets her phaser on full power and fires, blowing a hole in the alien creature. Fluids from the alien flow all over Wesley’s face, melting it down.
Crusher: Oh! What have you done! Wesley, speak to me!!!
Data: Wesley is unable to speak, doctor. As you can see, there is a strange tubular appendage protruding down his esophagus. I doubt the flow of air would be sufficient to permit speech.
Picard: Good. Now let’s get back to work.
Crusher: I’m not going to let this happen. I’m going to save my son, no matter what.
The bridge. Normal crew members. Data and Geordi are sitting at their consoles; Riker, Picard and Troi are spreading in their seats; Yar and Worf are playing Space Invaders.
Picard: Who farted?!!
Riker: Not me. (looks across at Troi who turns red)
Troi: (recovering) I feel guilt, but it’s not mine. (looks over to Data)
Data: I am an android, I do not fart. (looks at Geordi)
Geordi: If it had been me, I would have seen it. (looks at Worf)
Worf: Klingons fart only in airlocks. (looks at Yar)
Yar: As your Chief of Security, I’d know if it had been me, sir. (looks at Picard)
Picard: Shall we take a vote on it? (everyone looks at Picard)
Crusher: (On the intercom) Crusher to Bridge!
Picard: Picard, bridge here, er, I mean....
Riker: (smiling) You mean bridge, Picard here, right sir?
Picard: Yes! Thank you number one. What is it Dr. Crusher?
Crusher: I think you better come down here, Captain, it’s the alien, its gone!
Picard: It is, oh, is Wesley dead?
Crusher: No, he’s alive.
Picard: Damn. Just what does it take to get rid of him? We’ll be right there. Mister LaForge, you have the conn.
Geordi: Aye, sir.
Picard, Riker, Data, Yar and Worf leave the bridge. Various other individuals enter from several different doors.
Sickbay. Wesley’s lying on the couch, as he sits up, half his face falls on the floor.
Data: It appears Wesley has been picking his nose again.
Riker: It’s my fault. It won’t happen again.
Crusher: Wesley hasn’t been picking his nose, it was the body fluids from the alien that did this.
Yar: Found it Captain. (Yar picks up a rather large, beige crab with a lizard’s tail attached to it) It’s dead.
Worf: Too bad. I would have enjoyed fighting it.
Picard: By the way, what about the decontamination circuits, Worf?
Worf: They are still inoperative, sir. If there are any diseases, it would be an honor to fight them for you, sir.
Picard: (looking at Wesley) I would not think that ice cream would not be inappropriate for young Wesley, don’t you think so Number One?
Riker: I agree, sir.
Data: (looking a bit puzzled) Captain, I tried to follow all your negatives, but I am not sure I understand what it was you said.
Riker: (returning with the ice cream) Here you go, Wesley.
Wesley: Oh boy! (Wesley begins eating, but stops after a while) I don’t feel so good.
Yar: You see Wesley, ice cream makes you feel good while you’re eating it, but when it’s done, you don’t feel so good. So say no to ice cream and you can have a figure like mine.
Wesley’s stomach pulsates, and then erupts in a mass of blood and ice cream. A small head appears and flashes its teeth. Worf flashes his teeth back.
Yar: Watch it Worf! Don’t make him mad.
Worf grabs a laser scalpel from a tray and attacks. The alien retreats into Wesley’s body cavity and Worf attempts to pursue. There is a loud cracking sound as Wesley’s rib cage is broken up.
Worf: (sounding like Curly) Wub wub wub wub wub!!!!
Wesley: (sounding like he’s in pain) Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh......
Data: Worf is now exhibiting the Klingon cry of glorious satisfaction.
Picard: (looking at Wesley’s dead body) I concur.
Crusher: Ohh..hh.hh.hhhh....hhhh! (sniff) He... waszz huh huh.. my only suh..huhhnnnn...uhhh!
Picard: (slapping Crusher) Get a hold on yourself, doctor. There are a thousand passengers and crew on this vessel. They need you. I don’t think anyone needed... “the boy.”
Yar: Worf, did you get it?
Worf: No, it got away.
The Bridge. Only Picard is there.
Picard: Captain’s log, stardate 35.77. This alien has killed my entire crew. I have tried to reason with it, but to no avail. I have no other choice but to do a saucer separation and make my way to the nearest starbase and inform Starfleet. I have located the alien on deck 12, and will have the warp engines self destruct, killing this most horrible beast, this creature formed from some malevolent force, oh thou art such a cruel... uh, ahem... Captain out.
Picard separates the saucer section and blows up the other half of the Enterprise. While snoozing in his chair, he becomes aware of a presence on the Bridge with him. He becomes alert and readies his phaser.
Picard: You!! You!! You’ve killed my crew, but I’ll defeat you!!!
Alien: (drooling and picking its teeth)
A flash of light behind Picard causes him to turn.
Q: Go ahead, kill it. It’s an unknown, it’s dangerous. What’s the matter, Peck-hard, hair growing on the inside of that chrome dome caused your brain to malfunction?
Picard: Q!!! So you’re behind this. Where’s my crew? What have you done you murderous scoundrel?!!!!!
Q: Oh come now, mon Capitan. I’m just observing. I didn’t bring the alien aboard. You did. Shoot it. It’s dangerous.
Picard: No, no!!! I won’t do what you want. We’re civilized. We aren’t barbarians anymore.
Picard lowers his phaser and the alien attacks, biting off a chunk of Picard’s head.
Q: Jean-Luc, I wasn’t joking this time. I really meant it, it’s dangerous. I can’t believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book. Oh my. You foolish humans will never amount to anything. Even Microbrain was smarter than you!
Picard: (dying) Whaaat.. what did you mean you weren’t joking...
Q: (looking like Wesley) Shut up, Picard.