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“Alien: The Next Generation”

By Unknown

Scene 1

Some planet deep in the Federation that no one has been to. Riker, Data, Geordi are checking out the flora.

Riker
What do you make of it, Data?
Data
It appears to be a large pod, but there are no roots. I am not sure what it is. I think we would be better able to examine it in a lab.
Geordi
Data’s right. There’s movement inside, but I can’t see it.
Riker
Of course not. You’re blind. Transporter room, three to beam up.

Riker, Data and Geordi dematerialize with the pod in Data’s hands.

Scene 2

Biology Lab: Riker, Picard, Data, Crusher and Wesley are examining the pod.

Wesley
Let me see! I want to see!
Picard
Shut up Wesley! Data, what do you make of it?
Data
It appears to be dormant at this time, Captain. I am not quite certain whether it is harmful or not.
Picard
Hmmm. You mean it could be dangerous.
Data
I believe that is what I said.
Wesley
Let me see! I want to see! Why are adults always so big?
Picard
Shut up Wesley!
Riker
It’s my fault, Captain. I let him have ice cream for desert. It won’t happen again.

Riker backhands Wesley.

Picard
See that it doesn’t. (to the intercom) Picard to bridge.
Worf
Worf here, Captain.
Picard
Worf, is the decontamination circuitry working on the transporter?
Worf
No sir. I believe an engineer is working on the transporter. Apparently, the decontamination circuitry is inoperative. Do you want them to fix it?
Picard
Oh. Oh, yes, of course. Make it so. (to the rest) I think it would best if we isolated the pod. I think we should leave the lab until we know what we are dealing with.

Everyone turns to leave except Wesley who moves closer.

Wesley
Let me see!
Picard
Shut up Wesley!

The pod opens and a strange alien creature attacks. It attaches itself to Wesley’s face and coils its thickly muscled tail around Wesley’s neck.

Wesley
Urghhh! Gluck! Guhhhhgghhh!
Picard
Thank you!
Crusher
Oh my god! It’s got my son.
Riker
Wesley, I thought I told you no “seconds”, remember?
Data
How interesting. It appears to be predatory, Captain.
Picard
Indeed. I think you are right.
Crusher
Will somebody do something!!!!

The door opens and Yar bursts in.

Yar
Wesley, didn’t I explain to you about using aliens? Stand back everybody.

Yar sets her phaser on full power and fires, blowing a hole in the alien creature. Fluids from the alien flow all over Wesley’s face, melting it down.

Crusher
Oh! What have you done! Wesley, speak to me!!!
Data
Wesley is unable to speak, doctor. As you can see, there is a strange tubular appendage protruding down his esophagus. I doubt the flow of air would be sufficient to permit speech.
Picard
Good. Now let’s get back to work.
Crusher
I’m not going to let this happen. I’m going to save my son, no matter what.

Scene 3

The bridge. Normal crew members. Data and Geordi are sitting at their consoles; Riker, Picard and Troi are spreading in their seats; Yar and Worf are playing Space Invaders.

Picard
Who farted?!!
Riker
Not me. (looks across at Troi who turns red)
Troi
(recovering) I feel guilt, but it’s not mine. (looks over to Data)
Data
I am an android, I do not fart. (looks at Geordi)
Geordi
If it had been me, I would have seen it. (looks at Worf)
Worf
Klingons fart only in airlocks. (looks at Yar)
Yar
As your Chief of Security, I’d know if it had been me, sir. (looks at Picard)
Picard
Shall we take a vote on it? (everyone looks at Picard)
Crusher
(On the intercom) Crusher to Bridge!
Picard
Picard, bridge here, er, I mean....
Riker
(smiling) You mean bridge, Picard here, right sir?
Picard
Yes! Thank you number one. What is it Dr. Crusher?
Crusher
I think you better come down here, Captain, it’s the alien, its gone!
Picard
It is, oh, is Wesley dead?
Crusher
No, he’s alive.
Picard
Damn. Just what does it take to get rid of him? We’ll be right there. Mister LaForge, you have the conn.
Geordi
Aye, sir.

Picard, Riker, Data, Yar and Worf leave the bridge. Various other individuals enter from several different doors.

Scene 4

Sickbay. Wesley’s lying on the couch, as he sits up, half his face falls on the floor.

Data
It appears Wesley has been picking his nose again.
Riker
It’s my fault. It won’t happen again.
Crusher
Wesley hasn’t been picking his nose, it was the body fluids from the alien that did this.
Yar
Found it Captain. (Yar picks up a rather large, beige crab with a lizard’s tail attached to it) It’s dead.
Worf
Too bad. I would have enjoyed fighting it.
Picard
By the way, what about the decontamination circuits, Worf?
Worf
They are still inoperative, sir. If there are any diseases, it would be an honor to fight them for you, sir.
Picard
(looking at Wesley) I would not think that ice cream would not be inappropriate for young Wesley, don’t you think so Number One?
Riker
I agree, sir.
Data
(looking a bit puzzled) Captain, I tried to follow all your negatives, but I am not sure I understand what it was you said.
Riker
(returning with the ice cream) Here you go, Wesley.
Wesley
Oh boy! (Wesley begins eating, but stops after a while) I don’t feel so good.
Yar
You see Wesley, ice cream makes you feel good while you’re eating it, but when it’s done, you don’t feel so good. So say no to ice cream and you can have a figure like mine.

Wesley’s stomach pulsates, and then erupts in a mass of blood and ice cream. A small head appears and flashes its teeth. Worf flashes his teeth back.

Alien
Keeee-yeaaaahnnnn!!!!
Worf
Aaaaarggggghhhhhh!!!!
Yar
Watch it Worf! Don’t make him mad.

Worf grabs a laser scalpel from a tray and attacks. The alien retreats into Wesley’s body cavity and Worf attempts to pursue. There is a loud cracking sound as Wesley’s rib cage is broken up.

Worf
(sounding like Curly) Wub wub wub wub wub!!!!
Wesley
(sounding like he’s in pain) Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh......
Data
Worf is now exhibiting the Klingon cry of glorious satisfaction.
Picard
(looking at Wesley’s dead body) I concur.
Crusher
Ohh..hh.hh.hhhh....hhhh! (sniff) He... waszz huh huh.. my only suh..huhhnnnn...uhhh!
Picard
(slapping Crusher) Get a hold on yourself, doctor. There are a thousand passengers and crew on this vessel. They need you. I don’t think anyone needed... “the boy.”
Yar
Worf, did you get it?
Worf
No, it got away.

Scene 5

The Bridge. Only Picard is there.

Picard
Captain’s log, stardate 35.77. This alien has killed my entire crew. I have tried to reason with it, but to no avail. I have no other choice but to do a saucer separation and make my way to the nearest starbase and inform Starfleet. I have located the alien on deck 12, and will have the warp engines self destruct, killing this most horrible beast, this creature formed from some malevolent force, oh thou art such a cruel... uh, ahem... Captain out.

Picard separates the saucer section and blows up the other half of the Enterprise. While snoozing in his chair, he becomes aware of a presence on the Bridge with him. He becomes alert and readies his phaser.

Picard
You!! You!! You’ve killed my crew, but I’ll defeat you!!!
Alien
(drooling and picking its teeth)

A flash of light behind Picard causes him to turn.

Q
Go ahead, kill it. It’s an unknown, it’s dangerous. What’s the matter, Peck-hard, hair growing on the inside of that chrome dome caused your brain to malfunction?
Picard
Q!!! So you’re behind this. Where’s my crew? What have you done you murderous scoundrel?!!!!!
Q
Oh come now, mon Capitan. I’m just observing. I didn’t bring the alien aboard. You did. Shoot it. It’s dangerous.
Picard
No, no!!! I won’t do what you want. We’re civilized. We aren’t barbarians anymore.

Picard lowers his phaser and the alien attacks, biting off a chunk of Picard’s head.

Q
Jean-Luc, I wasn’t joking this time. I really meant it, it’s dangerous. I can’t believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book. Oh my. You foolish humans will never amount to anything. Even Microbrain was smarter than you!
Picard
(dying) Whaaat.. what did you mean you weren’t joking...
Q
(looking like Wesley) Shut up, Picard.

This page was last modified on Monday, May 30, 2011.