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Star Trek: Generations II, Chapter 5: “Beltran’s Revenge”

Written by Jason Reichstetter

Filming has since commenced on the Voyager series premiere, “Caretaker.” On the set are Kate Mulgrew, Robert Beltran, Tim Russ, Garrett Wang, Ethan Phillips, Jennifer Lien, Roxann Dawson, and Robert Duncan McNeill. Director Winrich Kolbe is giving the crew directing advice, and Rick Berman is on hand “assisting.”

Kolbe: All right. Now, in this scene, the Kazon are attacking Voyager. I need Garrett to fall out of his chair, the rest of you to do some shaking, and Robert Beltran is going to say “Shields down to 69%.”

Mulgrew: Got it.

Kolbe: All right. Places everyone! And...

Berman: Wait. Belay that order. Beltran, say shields are down to 47%.

Kolbe: Why are you going to have him say that? The script clearly says “69%.” What is your obsession with the number 47?

Berman: (Starts giggling like a little schoolgirl) Do it! (Eyes start glowing red) Winrich Kolbe, if you ever want to “direct” a Star Trek episode again, you will have Mr. Beltran say “shields are down to 47%” or else, you’ll take over shooting direct-to-video movies starring Whoopi Goldberg by the end of the week!!!!!!!

Kolbe: All right. Fine. Places everyone. And... Action!!!

Wang: Captain, sensors are detecting a polarized magnetic electonode emanating from a Kazon Raider off the port bow.

Beltran: heheheheheeheheehehehehehehehe...

Russ: Uh, they’re firing at us.

Beltran: hehheheeheheheheheheheheehehehe...

Mulgrew: Mr. Paris, evasive maneuvers!

Beltran: heheheheheheeheheheehehehehehehehe...

Duncan McNeill: Yes, sir, I mean, ma’am, I mean, Captain!

Beltran: heheheheeheheheheheheheheehehehehe...

Kolbe: Cut! Robert Beltran, what the hell are you doing? We’re trying to shoot here.

Beltran: hehehehehehehehhhheee...

(The whole crew looks at Robert Beltran evilly, and Rick Berman’s eyes start glowing red. All of a sudden, a crash can be heard backstage, and another Robert Beltran comes stumbling onto the stage, wearing nothing but a loin cloth)

Beltran: hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe...

Kolbe: What’s going on here? Now, there are two of them!

Berman: One of them is the future Robert Beltran!

Mulgrew: A future Robert Beltran? But, how did he get here?

Wang: A bersebrating conflux of temporal energy must have created a space-time event horizon resulting in a multidimensional space rift which catapulted him here from the future!

(Everybody looks at Garrett Wang. Winrich Kolbe walks up to where Wang is standing and bitch-slaps him in the face. Kolbe then walks back down to where he was previously sitting and sits back down)

Beltran: That is correct! I’m here to prevent Voyager from ever being made!

Past-Beltran: Oh, yeah? Who sent you?

Beltran: You did. Seven years from now, I come back in time to prevent this show from ever occurring. You must listen to me. After Voyager, the only work you’ll be able to get is doing infomercials and direct-to-video sequels to Universal Soldier.

Russ: My... God!

Berman: (Punches a button on his chair) Guards! I have located the future Robert Beltran! He’s on the Voyager bridge set! I want droidekas up here at once!

Beltran: I’m getting out of here! (Robert Beltran rushes for the door, followed immediately by the entire Voyager cast, with the exception of Ethan Phillips, who is stopped by Rick Berman)

Berman: Aren’t you leaving, too?

Phillips: Hell, no! I can’t afford to leave this job!

Berman: Excellent. Join me. Together, we can destroy the rebels.

Phillips: Okay.

Berman: Good. We must get back to my office and move everything to my secret lair. (Berman puts his arm around Phillips and they walk off, towards Berman’s office, leaving Winrich Kolbe standing on the Voyager set, crying.)

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.