Star Trek: Generations II, Chapter 6: “Roddenberry Arrives at Paramount”
Written by Jason Reichstetter
Rick Berman and Co. have fled the Voyager set and have gone to his secret underground lair. The future Robert Beltran and the Voyager cast have fled to an abandoned warehouse to regroup and come up with a strategy. Meanwhile, Gene Roddenberry has arrived in Los Angeles, and is dropped off at the front gate, manned by security guard Michael Hunt.
Hunt: Halt. I can’t let you in here without a pass, as per orders given by Rick Berman himself.
Roddenberry: (Searches around in his pockets) I, uh, lost my pass.
Hunt: Well, then, I can’t let you inside then, can I?
Roddenberry: It’s very important. I, uh, left my typewriter running, and it overheats, so I have to turn it off before it burns building F down.
Hunt: (Looks at a clipboard) Building F. Ah, yes. The Frasier building.
Roddenberry: The... Frasier building?
Hunt: Yes, the Frasier building. The offices where scripts are written, edited and approved for filming for the sitcom starring Kelsey Grammar based on the Frasier Crane character from the popular hit Cheers, which is a registered trademark of Paramount Pictures, which is owned by the Viacom Co.
Roddenberry: But, building F is the Star Trek building.
Hunt: (Flips through the clipboard) No, that would be building G, section 47 alpha.
Roddenberry: (Mumbling to himself) They must have moved the offices...
Hunt: What was that?
Roddenberry: I said my typewriter was overheating. I need to turn it off.
Hunt: What did you say your name was again?
Roddenberry: Roddenberry. Gene Roddenberry.
Hunt: Gene Roddenberry, huh? As in the Star Trek Gene Roddenberry?
Hunt: Uh, huh. Try a different one, buddy. History records that you died around a decade ago.
Roddenberry: I wasn’t dead, I was caught up in some sort of temporal nexus.
Hunt: Okay. Listen, either you get out of here right now, or I call the happy men in the white jackets.
Roddenberry: (Mumbles to himself) Better regroup and come up with a better plan...
Hunt: What was that?
Roddenberry: I left my car engine running. (Roddenberry walks off down the street, stopping when he looks in a store window. He gets an idea)
Berman: Gentlemen, welcome to my secret volcano lair. (The room is quite full, consisting of Michael Piller, Mini-Berman, Jeri Taylor, and Ethan Phillips. A few new faces are here as well.) Some of you I know, some of you I am meeting for the first time. I have assembled you all here today because I have two very important tasks for you. First, I want you to kill Robert Beltran. Second, Gene Roddenberry must be stopped.
Mini-Berman: Yeah. Killed. Stopped.
Phillips: I don’t know about that, Mr. Berman. Did you see him on the stage? Beltran was pretty tough.
Berman: Tough for you maybe, but not for my secret weapon. Jeri Taylor, unveil the secret weapon.
Taylor: Yes, my lord. (She gets up and pulls a cloth off of a giant piece of equipment. A giant rectangular box with a lens on the front can be seen.)
Berman: Gentlemen, my secret weapon. This is what I like to call a “film projector”. Now, I have set up a giant film screen in downtown Los Angeles. Using this “film projector”, I’m going to play Star Trek V: The Final Frontier non-stop until every Los Angelean is sick of Star Trek!
Piller: My... God. You are evil!
(Everybody looks over at Piller.)
Berman: I thought you weren’t able to talk in complete sentences.
Piller: That was when I was in my infant stage of development. I have since reached maturity and am capable of conveying my feelings and using complete sentences.
Berman: All right. Now, as I was saying, we’re going to play Star Trek V until every Trek fan admits the original series sucks, and my shows are superior.
Taylor: There is a flaw in your plan, sir. What’s to stop the city from simply tuning it out?
Berman: An excellent question. I have rigged the speakers to emit at a very high volume. It doesn’t matter where people are in the city, they’ll still be able to hear it. The speakers are set so loud, that every building in a three block radius will be decimated.
Mini-Berman: Yeah! Explosions!
Berman: Exactly. Gentlemen, synchronize your watches. This all goes down in forty-eight hours. Mwahahahahahahahahahahahaaha!
Gene Roddenberry has reapproached the Paramount gates and is once again confronted by security guard Michael Hunt.
Hunt: I’m sorry, sir. But, you can’t enter here without a pass, as per orders handed down from Rick Berman himself.
Roddenberry: (Wearing a bushy eyebrows-glasses-nose-moustache disguise) I left my pass in the truck.
Hunt: What was your name?
Roddenberry: Rick Berman. I forgot my ink pen in the Star Trek offices. Building G, section 47 alpha.
Hunt: Okay. I just need you to give me the pass phrase before I let you in. Just to make sure you’re you. Do you know the pass phrase?
Roddenberry: (Strains thinking. Mumbles to himself.) If I were Berman, what would my pass phrase be?
Roddenberry: Gene Roddenberry sucks, I rule.
Hunt: Correct. You may enter. Good luck finding your pen, Mr. Berman.