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Star Trek: Generations II, Chapter 7: “A New Hope”

Written by Jason Reichstetter

The Voyager cast and Robert Beltran are in an abandoned warehouse.

Beltran: Okay. We’ve got the Voyager production stopped, but it’s only a matter of time before Rick Berman hires more actors to take your place. We need to strike a crippling blow to Berman’s forces, and we need to do it now.

Mulgrew: I’m still not convinced that you are from the future.

Beltran: Then, why did you come with me?

Mulgrew: I was dying for a cigarette. I hadn’t had one in three minutes. I was starting to go into nicotine withdrawal. (Pulls out a cigarette and lights it up.)

Beltran: You want proof I am who I say I am?

Cast: Yes.

Beltran: All right. It just so happens I was able to obtain a copy of a seventh season Voyager episode before I left the Delta Quadrant, I mean, the future. This one is called “Q2.” (Robert Beltran sticks the tape into a VCR and presses play)

One hour later...

Mulgrew: Dear Lord, was that John de Lancie?

Beltran: Yes.

Mulgrew: How the hell did he gain so much weight? He looked haggard. And who was that annoying kid?

Wang: Eating an excessive amount of Twinkies could elevate the neutrino levels in the brain, causing cellular peptide levels in the body to...

Whole Cast: Shut the hell up!

Duncan McNeill: I must say, my question is, who did the breasts belong to?

Beltran: That is a loooooooooooooooooooong story.

Lien: What happened to Kes? Does she go back to the Ocampa?

Beltran: Nope.

Lien: Does she settle on some colony and practice medicine?

Beltran: Nope.

Lien: Then what?

Beltran: Um, Kes’ powers develop to where her just being on Voyager disrupts ship systems. She turns into pure energy and catapults the ship out of Borg space.

Past-Beltran: Under normal circumstances, I would admit, that would be pretty lame for the writers to do, but if it hurls the ship out of Borg space, it prevents them from overusing the Borg, which could lead to them getting wussified and a re-hash of previous plots.

Beltran: Under normal circumstances, I would agree, but these aren’t normal circumstances. After Kes leaves at the beginning of season four, the Borg become the main characters. Seven of Nine is the pair of breasts you were referring to. Nearly every episode deals with the Borg.

Russ: Wait a second. We get out of Borg space, only to have every other episode deal with the Borg?

Beltran: Correct.

Russ: Lame... lame... lame...

Beltran: Oh, it gets worse...

Meanwhile... just outside of Los Angeles...

Berman: Gentlemen, I have gathered you here today to unveil my backup plan, in case the film projector doesn’t work.

Taylor: How could your plan not work? It’s flawless...

Berman: I don’t know. I sense a disturbance in the Force. A presence I have not felt since the first couple of seasons of The Next Generation.

(The doors to Berman’s hideout slide open, and Brannon Braga enters. There is a little spot of blood on his cheek)

Berman: What the hell are you doing here? I thought I killed you!

Braga: I thought I was dead too, but apparently my skin was grown to be flame-retardant.

Berman: (Lifts up a gun) I’ll take care of that. (He aims the gun and shoots Braga in the chest. The bullet ricochets off Braga’s chest and hits Mini-Berman in the crotch)

Mini-Berman: (Starts squealing and jumping around)

Berman: Bulletproof too. You are invulnerable. That could prove to be useful. All right. Sit the hell down.

Braga: Okay (Braga sits down next to Michael Piller, who is starting to look a little aged.)

Berman: Now, my backup plan involves a little invention I like to call a “time machine.” Using my “time machine”, I am going to go back to 1966, kill Gene Roddenberry, and air Voyager episodes in place of the original series.

Phillips: Question. How can you show all the Voyager episodes if we haven’t filmed them yet?

Berman: Easy. I have already traveled forward in time to the year 2001, and purchased every episode ever made.

Braga: Wait a second. That won’t work. I’ve done way too many time travel episodes to know that can’t work. You have to produce those shows in the past in order to be able to buy them in the future. If you don’t produce those episodes, they just cease to exist.

Berman: I took a page from your book, Brannon. I ignored the temporal mechanics. Whatever I say happens, happens.

Braga: Okay. That’ll work.

Berman: Saddle up, gentlemen. The matinee at the drive-in starts in three hours! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahhaahhaahahahahhahahahaahhahaahahahahahahhaha!!

Meanwhile... across town in Los Angeles...

Beltran: ...so now you see why Berman must be stopped.

Wang: The ship sustains damage in every episode, and it still looks brand new afterwards?

Beltran: ‘Fraid so.

Wang: And I’m still an ensign after seven years?

Beltran: Yep.

Russ: And Tuvok’s pon farr is made into a campy B-story to a lame A-story?

Beltran: Correct.

Russ: Lame.

Beltran: Berman’s stepped on too many fan’s toes with Voyager. He invades their space, and we fall back. He writes crappy Borg stories, and we fall back. Not again. The line must be drawn here! This far, no further! And I will make him pay for what he’s done! ...That being said, I managed to steal a blueprint for a secret installation just outside the city while I was on the Paramount lot. (Unrolls the blueprint.) There is a weakness. However, it will be dangerous, and it could be possible some or all of you will lose your lives.

Wang: I’d rather do that than be remembered as a chump for the rest of my career.

Beltran: There is a reactor inside the complex. If we could get a couple of shots in the two foot vent, it could start a chain reaction, which will blow up the core, taking the complex with it. The core is shielded, so you’ll have to use proton torpedoes.

Wang: That’s impossible. Even for a computer.

Past-Beltran: I used to shoot garbage rats back home with a BB gun, and they were no bigger than two feet.

Beltran: We will have to pull this off tomorrow morning. I heard Berman mention he had something special planned for the city.

Mulgrew: We’ll all be with you, won’t we guys?

Voyager Crew: Yeah!

Beltran: Remember, they can take away our lives, but they can’t take away our freedom!

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.