Star Trek: Generations II, Chapter 13: “Shatner’s Can of Whupass”
Written by Jason Reichstetter
Rick Berman and Brannon Braga are sitting in a room with the 1966 version of Gene Roddenberry tied up and gagged in a chair. The room is Gene’s office. The office is filled with various Star Trek memorabilia and a model of the USS Enterprise. However, sitting ominously in a corner is the entire video collection of Star Trek: Voyager, just waiting to be aired.
Braga: What are we waiting for Brain? Narf!
Berman: We are waiting for the overnight ratings for quote-unquote Star Trek. If the ratings were good, we will stay here and continue airing Voyager episodes and make lots of money! Bwahahaha!
Braga: Can we see the Transformers too, Brain?
(The doors to Roddenberry’s office open and Roddenberry’s assistant, Fonda Peters, enters, carrying a pack of papers.)
Fonda: Good news, Mr. Roddenberry. The ratings are in.
Berman: Very good. Have you seen them yet?
Fonda: No, but I hear they are very good.
Berman: Excellent. Give them to me. (Fonda gives Berman the ratings, and she starts to walk out the door.)
Fonda: Say, Mr. Roddenberry, have you lost weight?
Berman: Yes. Yes I have. Thank you for noticing.
Fonda: (Looks at Berman’s scalp) Hmm... see you’ve lost most of your hair too...
Berman: (Eyes start glowing red) Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Leave immediately!
Fonda: Okay. (She notices the real Gene Roddenberry sitting in the chair, beads of sweat dripping down his forehead) Oh! You have a visitor!
Berman: Yes. That is my, uh, brother. Jim.
Fonda: Nice to meet you, Jim! (She pats Roddenberry on the shoulder. Roddenberry grunts and starts resisting the ropes tying him down. Fonda Peters exits.)
Berman: Now, Brannon. Let’s look at these ratings. (Berman starts flipping through. His eyes start glowing red and the stack of papers bursts into flames.)
Braga: What’s wrong, Brain? Narf!
Berman: I just got back last night’s ratings. They called Star Trek “lame” and “predictable.”
Braga: Ooh! That’s good, Brain! Does that mean you’re going to let me play on the playground now? Narf!
Berman: Shut up, Brannon. My plans have backfired. We must leave this place and come up with a new plan.
Braga: Yay! Can we go to McDonald’s, Brain? Narf!
William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy have arrived at the front gates of Paramount Pictures. A large security guard is standing watch.
Guard: Uh, yeah. Can I help you?
Shatner: I... must... speak... to... Gene... Roddenberry!
Nimoy: Yes, it is of upmost importance.
Guard: Mr. Roddenberry isn’t seeing anyone today. He has ordered the entire lot off-limits.
Nimoy: So, nobody’s here?
Guard: Correct. Only people related to the Star Trek production are permitted on the lot.
Nimoy: You’re not connected with the production. Why are you here?
Guard: (A look of horror comes onto his face) MY... God! You’re right! I have to leave before Mr. Roddenberry catches me! (The Guard scrambles out of the gate)
Shatner: Very.. good... Spock. Now... let’s... get... answers!
(Suddenly a giant swirly light appears)
Temporal Vortex: Behold! Temporal Vortex opens!
Shatner: What... the... hell?
(Robert Beltran emerges from Temporal Vortex)
Beltran: Hey, guys. I’m Robert Beltran.
Shatner: I’m... Captain... James... T. Kirk... of... the... starship... Enterprise.
Nimoy: Uh, Bill, actually you play Captain Kirk. On a TV show.
Shatner: Oh... Yeah. What... are... you... doing... here... Robert... Beltran?
Beltran: I’m here to stop a madman named Rick Berman from altering the future.
Shatner: We... are... here... to... get... answers! Somebody... some... thing... altered... our... show! “Star... Trek“!
Beltran: Then, you and I seek the same person. Join me, and together we can stop this maniac.
Nimoy: A very logical suggestion, Bill.
Shatner: Very... well. Let’s... kick... some... ass!
(As soon as he says this, a person who looks suspiciously like Data from The Next Generation walks up, wearing a cowboy outfit.)
Beltran: Brent Spiner? What are you doing here?
Shatner: You... know... this... Brent... Spiner?
Loads of Cash: I am not Brent Spiner. Brent Spiner is my creator. My name is Loads of Cash. I am an android.
Nimoy: What kind of a name is “Loads of Cash”?
Loads of Cash: My creator, Mr. Spiner, played an android on Star Trek: The Next Generation. He decided he didn’t want to play Data anymore, so he created me to play Data for him. Basically, I make the money for him, hence the name “Loads of Cash.”
Beltran: But, what are you doing back here?
Loads of Cash: I was sent back in time to help you prevent Rick Berman from destroying Star Trek, and to prevent a film called Star Trek: Insurrection from being made. I was sent here with Patrick Stewart and Avery Brooks. But, a freak accident sent us back to the Ice Age, and I am the only survivor. I have been waiting for you for almost thirty million years.
Beltran: When did this freak accident occur?
Loads of Cash: In approximately five seconds...
(Three loud booms occur, and a souped up DeLorean appears, with three occupants. Avery Brooks, Patrick Stewart, and Loads of Cash.)
Brooks: We’ve arrived at our destination, but we have a problem.
Stewart: What kind of problem?
Brooks: There’s a tractor trailer on an intercept course.
Stewart: Evasive maneuvers! Heading two one three mark four seven! Make it so!
Brooks: Too late!
All three: Oh...... shit!
(The semi crashes into the DeLorean, which explodes and disappears, leaving behind a pair of fire trails.)
Beltran: Um, okay.
Loads of Cash: We must get inside and stop Berman, before he goes back to the future.
Shatner: Yes... I... have... a... score... to... settle. Let’s... go!