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Star Trek: Generations II, Chapter 13: “Shatner’s Can of Whupass”

Written by Jason Reichstetter

Rick Berman and Brannon Braga are sitting in a room with the 1966 version of Gene Roddenberry tied up and gagged in a chair. The room is Gene’s office. The office is filled with various Star Trek memorabilia and a model of the USS Enterprise. However, sitting ominously in a corner is the entire video collection of Star Trek: Voyager, just waiting to be aired.

Braga: What are we waiting for Brain? Narf!

Berman: We are waiting for the overnight ratings for quote-unquote Star Trek. If the ratings were good, we will stay here and continue airing Voyager episodes and make lots of money! Bwahahaha!

Braga: Can we see the Transformers too, Brain?

(The doors to Roddenberry’s office open and Roddenberry’s assistant, Fonda Peters, enters, carrying a pack of papers.)

Fonda: Good news, Mr. Roddenberry. The ratings are in.

Berman: Very good. Have you seen them yet?

Fonda: No, but I hear they are very good.

Berman: Excellent. Give them to me. (Fonda gives Berman the ratings, and she starts to walk out the door.)

Fonda: Say, Mr. Roddenberry, have you lost weight?

Berman: Yes. Yes I have. Thank you for noticing.

Fonda: (Looks at Berman’s scalp) Hmm... see you’ve lost most of your hair too...

Berman: (Eyes start glowing red) Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Leave immediately!

Fonda: Okay. (She notices the real Gene Roddenberry sitting in the chair, beads of sweat dripping down his forehead) Oh! You have a visitor!

Berman: Yes. That is my, uh, brother. Jim.

Fonda: Nice to meet you, Jim! (She pats Roddenberry on the shoulder. Roddenberry grunts and starts resisting the ropes tying him down. Fonda Peters exits.)

Berman: Now, Brannon. Let’s look at these ratings. (Berman starts flipping through. His eyes start glowing red and the stack of papers bursts into flames.)

Braga: What’s wrong, Brain? Narf!

Berman: I just got back last night’s ratings. They called Star Trek “lame” and “predictable.”

Braga: Ooh! That’s good, Brain! Does that mean you’re going to let me play on the playground now? Narf!

Berman: Shut up, Brannon. My plans have backfired. We must leave this place and come up with a new plan.

Braga: Yay! Can we go to McDonald’s, Brain? Narf!

Meanwhile...

William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy have arrived at the front gates of Paramount Pictures. A large security guard is standing watch.

Guard: Uh, yeah. Can I help you?

Shatner: I... must... speak... to... Gene... Roddenberry!

Nimoy: Yes, it is of upmost importance.

Guard: Mr. Roddenberry isn’t seeing anyone today. He has ordered the entire lot off-limits.

Nimoy: So, nobody’s here?

Guard: Correct. Only people related to the Star Trek production are permitted on the lot.

Nimoy: You’re not connected with the production. Why are you here?

Guard: (A look of horror comes onto his face) MY... God! You’re right! I have to leave before Mr. Roddenberry catches me! (The Guard scrambles out of the gate)

Shatner: Very.. good... Spock. Now... let’s... get... answers!

(Suddenly a giant swirly light appears)

Temporal Vortex: Behold! Temporal Vortex opens!

Shatner: What... the... hell?

(Robert Beltran emerges from Temporal Vortex)

Beltran: Hey, guys. I’m Robert Beltran.

Shatner: I’m... Captain... James... T. Kirk... of... the... starship... Enterprise.

Nimoy: Uh, Bill, actually you play Captain Kirk. On a TV show.

Shatner: Oh... Yeah. What... are... you... doing... here... Robert... Beltran?

Beltran: I’m here to stop a madman named Rick Berman from altering the future.

Shatner: We... are... here... to... get... answers! Somebody... some... thing... altered... our... show! “Star... Trek“!

Beltran: Then, you and I seek the same person. Join me, and together we can stop this maniac.

Nimoy: A very logical suggestion, Bill.

Shatner: Very... well. Let’s... kick... some... ass!

(As soon as he says this, a person who looks suspiciously like Data from The Next Generation walks up, wearing a cowboy outfit.)

Beltran: Brent Spiner? What are you doing here?

Shatner: You... know... this... Brent... Spiner?

Loads of Cash: I am not Brent Spiner. Brent Spiner is my creator. My name is Loads of Cash. I am an android.

Nimoy: What kind of a name is “Loads of Cash”?

Loads of Cash: My creator, Mr. Spiner, played an android on Star Trek: The Next Generation. He decided he didn’t want to play Data anymore, so he created me to play Data for him. Basically, I make the money for him, hence the name “Loads of Cash.”

Beltran: But, what are you doing back here?

Loads of Cash: I was sent back in time to help you prevent Rick Berman from destroying Star Trek, and to prevent a film called Star Trek: Insurrection from being made. I was sent here with Patrick Stewart and Avery Brooks. But, a freak accident sent us back to the Ice Age, and I am the only survivor. I have been waiting for you for almost thirty million years.

Beltran: When did this freak accident occur?

Loads of Cash: In approximately five seconds...

(Three loud booms occur, and a souped up DeLorean appears, with three occupants. Avery Brooks, Patrick Stewart, and Loads of Cash.)

Brooks: We’ve arrived at our destination, but we have a problem.

Stewart: What kind of problem?

Brooks: There’s a tractor trailer on an intercept course.

Stewart: Evasive maneuvers! Heading two one three mark four seven! Make it so!

Brooks: Too late!

All three: Oh...... shit!

(The semi crashes into the DeLorean, which explodes and disappears, leaving behind a pair of fire trails.)

Beltran: Um, okay.

Loads of Cash: We must get inside and stop Berman, before he goes back to the future.

Shatner: Yes... I... have... a... score... to... settle. Let’s... go!

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.