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Star Trek: Generations II, Chapter 14: “Berman’s Folly”

Written by Jason Reichstetter

Rick Berman and Brannon Braga have loaded up their Voyager episodes and booted Gene Roddenberry out of his office. They are holed up in there when they hear a large gathering of people standing outside. Berman looks out the window and sees William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, Robert Beltran, and the android Loads of Cash outside, trying to get in.

Berman: We must move quickly, Brannon. They are trying to cave in the doors!

Braga: Should I go outside, set up a fire and see if they want to have a sing-a-long, Brain? Narf!

Berman: (Rolls his eyes) Yeah. Sure. Maybe that will work.

Braga: Okay. (Braga heads for the door)

Berman: (Restrains Braga) I was being sarcastic, Brannon. We’ve got to figure out a way to get past these people and get to the Temporal Vortex.

Braga: Oooh! Oooh! I know, Brain! I saw this movie once, where a bunch of people were trying to get into this castle. The people inside the castle poured a vat of hot water all over the people trying to get in, and they all ran off! That’s what we can do, Brain! Narf!

Berman: Brannon, do you see a vat of hot water sitting around here that we can pour on them?

Braga: Um, no. (He holds up a styrofoam cup) But I do have this cup of Ovaltene we can pour on them. I can just throw it in the microwave and heat it up for a few seconds first. Narf!

Berman: That won’t be necessary, Brannon. I have an idea. (Berman busts out the window to Roddenberry’s office. He starts yelling) Prepare to face the wrath of Rick Berman!

Meanwhile...

Down below, the foursome are trying to gain entry to the Star Trek offices by pounding on the door. They hear Rick Berman yelling and stop for a second.

Beltran: Did you hear something?

Shatner: That... jackass... yelled... something. Maybe... he’s... going... to... let... us in.

(Suddenly, dozens of videocassettes start flying out Roddenberry’s office window, raining down on the fearsome foursome.)

Loads of Cash: It would appear that we are not welcome here.

Nimoy: You think so?

Beltran: I know what these are. They’re the tapes of Star Trek: Voyager that Berman was going to play in place of your version of Star Trek.

Shatner: Those... bastards! Those... dirty... rotten... bastards!

Meanwhile...

Rick Berman has heaved all the tapes of Voyager out the window, but see it was all for naught. The four are still standing outside.

Berman: Damn! I really thought that was going to work!

Braga: Here, Brain! You forgot one! (Brannon throws the tape, hitting Berman in the head. Berman reels back and falls out the window, landing on Loads of Cash.)

Braga: Sorry, Brain! Narf!

Loads of Cash: Oh, I can’t feel my legs. My positronic net is experiencing a feedback I’ve never experienced before. I believe the expression that would best put into words this sensation would be... Get your ass off of me!

Berman: (Gets up and his eyes start glowing) You fools! Did you really think you could stop me? I, Rick Berman? Creator of Star Trek: Voyager?

Beltran: Um, Berman, I really wouldn’t brag about that if I were you.

Berman: (Starts weeping) But, that’s all I have...

Nimoy: (Walks up to Berman and gives him a hug) There there now. Everything will be all right, you’ll see.

(Berman shrugs off Nimoy and kicks him in the nuts.)

Berman: Hahahahaha! Fooled you! I made you think I was depressed!

Shatner: Okay. That... does... it! (Shatner drop kicks Berman in the face.)

(A fist fight ensues, with William Shatner kicking and punching Rick Berman, Berman defenseless against the raw fury of Shatner.)

Braga: Uh, oh! Brain’s in trouble! I have to help him! Narf! (Braga jumps out the three story high window of Roddenberry’s office, and falls right on top of Rick Berman. William Shatner gives both of them weird looks. Braga gets up, Berman lays still for a few seconds)

Shatner: I... don’t... know... who... you... are... but... you’re... getting... your... ass... kicked... next!

(As Shatner gets ready to kick Braga in the stomach, a giant mouth comes up and grabs Shatner. A loud roar is heard as everybody looks up in time to see Shatner swallowed up by the spinosaur. Everybody takes off in opposite directions, attempting to flee the carnage. Berman and Braga run toward the Temporal Vortex.)

Beltran: Hey, Nimoy guess what?

Nimoy: This is hardly the time for guessing games, but what?

Beltran: This sucks!

(Rick Berman and Brannon Braga arrive at the location of Temporal Vortex.)

Temporal Vortex: Dear lord! Why can’t I get any peace anymore? Why must I continuously be bothered by these pathetic weaklings?

Berman: We have to go back to 1994! Hurry! There’s a giant dinosaur trying to eat us!

Temporal Vortex: That would be cool to see. Temporal Vortex wants to watch somebody get eaten by the giant dinosaur! That will satisfy the human sacrifice price of admission!

(Loads of Cash runs up to Berman and Braga, still intent on completing his objective)

Loads of Cash: Rick Berman, Brannon Braga, I have been sent back in time to kill you. I will complete my objective now!

(As Loads of Cash reaches into his gun holster, the Spinosaur comes up, snatches up Loads of Cash and starts eating him. Loads of Cash’s circuitry doesn’t sit too well with the spinosaur, though, as Loads of Cash’s electric circuits start frying the dinosaur. The dinosaur immediately dies, and when it falls, it lands on Brannon Braga.)

Braga: Naaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrf!

Temporal Vortex: Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha! Temporal Vortex is amused! That was funny! The price of admission has been paid! Prepare to enter Temporal Vortex!

(Berman enters the Temporal Vortex and heads back to 1994.)

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.