Rick Berman has traveled through the Temporal Vortex and has made it back to 1994, to his secret underground lair. But, time is not on his side, for the remaining survivors of his opponents, Robert Beltran and Leonard Nimoy, are hot on his heels, already traveling through Temporal Vortex. When Berman arrives, Mini-Berman is there waiting for him.
Mini-Berman: Welcome back, Father!
Berman: Shut up. Hurry up, let’s get out of here. (Berman picks up Mini-Berman and they run toward Berman’s office.)
Mini-Berman: Oh, some interesting things happened while you were gone.
Berman: Interesting, like how?
Mini-Berman: Well, for one thing, the Army came in and locked down your base!
(Berman’s eye’s bulge out of his head, as he sees a full squadron of Army officers wielding M-16’s standing in a large chamber. Berman quickly turns around and runs back the other way)
Berman: This is not good. Not good at all!
Mini-Berman: Oh, yeah. One other thing. You remember how you ordered a bunch of flesh-eating warthogs with jetpacks attached to their backs?
Mini-Berman: Well, they broke out and mauled Ethan Phillips.
Berman: Holy Hell! What else can go wrong?
Temporal Vortex: Behold! The Temporal Vortex opens! All bask in the glory of that which is Temporal Vortex!
(Temporal Vortex opens and out comes Robert Beltran and Leonard Nimoy.)
Beltran: Too many people have suffered at your hands, Berman! It’s time for you to go down!
Nimoy: Yes. I hardly even know you, and yet already you have annoyed me to no end.
Berman: You’ll never stop me. Not while I have... this! (Berman starts searching his suit pockets looking for something.)
Beltran: As long as you have what?
Berman: Now, I know I put it in here somewhere...
Nimoy: For God’s sake, man! Don’t keep us in suspense! What do you have?
Berman: Damn! I left my epidermal disintegrator in my other suit! Oh, well, I guess this’ll have to do... (Berman tosses Mini-Berman at Beltran and Nimoy and runs off, like a little kid evading bullies in a fourth grade playground)
Mini-Berman: Hey! Dick!
(Robert Beltran and Leonard Nimoy start chasing Rick Berman down a corridor. Berman is stopped when he comes across a line of guards, led by an officer by the name of Major Dixon.)
Dixon: There he is, men! Open fire!
Berman: Wait! I command you to stop! I, Rick Berman, creator of Star Trek: Voyager!
(One of the soldiers looks curiously)
Soldier: Wait a minute. You’re the guy who created Star Trek: Generations, weren’t you?
Berman: (Smiles) Yes.... Yes, I did, actually...
Soldier: (Puts his eye in the M-16’s sights) This is for Captain Kirk, asshole!
(The squardron opens fire. Bullets start ricocheting off of Berman, and his eyes start glowing red.)
Berman: Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Your weapons have no effect on me!
Dixon: Hold your fire!
(Robert Beltran and Leonard Nimoy run up to where the festivities are taking place and see what’s happening.)
Berman: (Fire starts coming from his hands, and he immediately launches a wall of flame towards Dixon and his men.)
Nimoy: We have to stop him, but he seems to be invincible!
(Robert Beltran looks at Berman and notices the slug-like being attached to Berman’s neck.)
Beltran: There. See that? I bet that has something to do with this!
(Beltran sneaks up on Berman and pulls the slug off of Berman’s neck.)
Berman: (Groans and falls to the floor.)
(The slug starts moving around in Beltran’s hands and immediately attaches itself to Beltran’s neck. Robert Beltran’s eyes start glowing red.)
Beltran: You fool! Did you really think you could defeat me? I am invincible! And I will control Star Trek!
Nimoy: There is one thing you don’t know about, alien fiend!
Beltran: Oh, yeah? What’s that?
Nimoy: I have a secret weapon. Compliments of the 29th century. They’re tired of you, too! (Nimoy pulls out a futuristic looking weapon and fires it at Beltran)
Beltran: Nooooooooooooo! (Beltran immediately disintegrates, leaving only the slug, which falls to the floor.)
Alien Slug: Screw you guys, I’m getting the hell out of here! (The slug starts slugging its way down the hall back toward Berman’s office. Nimoy starts chasing after it, firing at it and missing.)
(The alien slug arrives at Berman’s office and slides its way under the door, and heads toward the desk. It gets on the desk and sees the control panel marked with everybody’s names.)
Alien Slug: (To himself) You may have had a secret weapon, Mr. Nimoy, but I have a weapon that is even more of a secret! (The slug pushes a button and the control panel rotates, revealing a giant red button marked “Don’t Push!")
Nimoy: (Starts banging on the door) Let me in!
Alien Slug: Uh, no!
Nimoy: Please! I, uh, have a candy bar i want to give you!
Alien Slug: Tempting, but I’ll pass. (The slug reaches out toward the button, which looks really ominous.)
Nimoy: (Looks through the keyhole and sees what the slug is about to do) Dear... Lord! Not that!
Alien Slug: Yes, Mr. Nimoy, that! Say hello to your friends for me on the other side! (The alien slug pushes the button)
R — E — S — E — T
Rick Berman, Brannon Braga, Michael Piller, and Jeri Taylor are all sitting in Berman’s office on the Paramount lot, discussing the next few episodes for the new series, Star Trek: Voyager.
Piller: Okay, Berman. I really don’t like the way this is shaping out. You mean to tell me at the end of every episode, this ship is going to look brand new, and not show any damage at all?
Piller: Yeah, well. Screw you, I’m going back to creative consultant for Deep Space Nine.
Braga: (Sees something out of the corner of his eye) OOOOH! OOOOH! OOOOOH!
Berman: What is it now, Brannon?
Braga: I just saw a ghost-thing that looked like you running from Robert Beltran and a bunch of Army guys!
Berman: It must have been that pot you smoked, Brannon.
Braga: Yes, well, I am getting a case of the munchies. Can we go to McDonald’s, Brain? I mean Berman? I mean... Narf!
Berman: What the hell? Brannon, you never talk like that, what’s going on?
(From off in the distance you can hear Temporal Vortex laughing to himself at what he’s done to Braga.)
Temporal Vortex: Bwahahahahahaahahaha! Funny!
Berman: Okay. This is creepy. Anyway, let’s break for half an hour and come back. I have an interesting idea for a story where Captain Janeway takes Voyager into a nebula searching for coffee.
Piller: (Rolls his eyes.)
(Everybody leaves except for Brannon and Berman)
Berman: You stay here, Brannon. We have to make plans for tonight.
Braga: Why? What are we doing tonight, Berman?
Berman: The same thing we do every night, Brannon... Try and take over Star Trek!
They’re Pinky, they’re Pinky and the Berman Berman Berman Berman Berman Berman Berman Berman Berman Berman Berman Berrrrrrrmmaaaan!
(OR IS IT?)