Berman and Braga Return, Chapter 1: “A Situation in the Alpha Quadrant”
Written by Jason Reichstetter
Published August 14, 2001
Captain Jean-Luc Picard and the crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise, NCC-1701-E are on a routine mission in the Devron system. The bridge command crew, consisting of Captain Picard, Commander Riker, Counselor Troi, Lt. Comm. Data, Lieutenant Daniels, and Ensign Perim are on the bridge.
Picard: When was the last time we aligned the torque sensors?
Perim: The what?
Picard: The torque sensors. They don’t sound right.
Data: Excuse me sir, but what the hell is a torque sensor?
Picard: I can’t believe no one here knows what a torque sensor is. It has to be out of alignment by twelve microns. Can’t you hear that?
Data: Um, no.
Picard: I know somebody who can. (Taps comm badge) Bridge to LaForge.
LaForge: LaForge here.
Picard: Geordi, the torque sensors are out of alignment. I need you to get down to engineering and see what’s going on.
LaForge: I can’t right now, Captain.
Picard: Why not?
LaForge: I’m on Holodeck Two right now, running Commander Riker’s Troi, Crusher and Guinan Risa IV orgy simulation right now. Reg should be down in engineering. He can take care of it.
Picard: All right. Picard out. (Taps comm badge) Picard to Barclay. (No response) Reg, are you there? (No response)
Troi: Captain, he may be on the holodeck again.
Picard: Computer, locate Lieutenant Barclay.
Computer: Lieutenant Barclay is not on board.
Picard: Where the hell is he?
Computer: Lieutenant Barclay is on Jupiter Station.
Picard: How long has he been on Jupiter Station?
Computer: Lieutenant Barclay transferred to Jupiter Station five minutes ago.
Picard: Mr. Barclay didn’t put in for any transfer, did he Number One?
Riker: No, sir. He was supposed to be on duty today.
Picard: Well, this is suspicious. Open a channel to Jupiter Station.
Daniels: Channel open, sir.
(Lewis Zimmerman, Reg Barclay and Deanna Troi appear on the viewscreen)
Zimmerman: Ah, Captain Picard. Why are you calling? Is your EMH Mark 47 defective?
Picard: Reg, what are you doing on Jupiter Station?
Riker: (Realizes Deanna’s on the screen. Looks over past Picard to the third chair) Deanna, what are you... (sees she’s not there)
Picard: (Looks over at Troi’s chair too) Oh, bloody hell. When the hell did Deanna disappear?
Barclay: I...I...I d-d-don’t understand th-th-the question Captain. I’ve b-b-been on Jupiter Station the past three months.
Picard: The Enterprise logs show you were supposed to be on Engineering duty today.
Barclay: M-m-Mr. LaForge may have been smoking pot again, sir. I’ve been here for the past three months helping Dr. Zimmerman create the EMH holomatrix.
Troi: (Looks at Barclay) I thought you were heading up the Pathfinder Project to get Voyager home.
Barclay: N-n-n-no. As far as I can remember, I’ve just been here on Jupiter Station.
Picard: Deanna, how long have you been gone?
Troi: I left the Enterprise three weeks ago sir.
Riker: THREE WEEKS? Then who the hell did I have sex with last night? (Mumbles to himself) Oops. Oh, yeah. That was Ensign Judd. Must remember to keep my mouth shut.
(The bridge crew looks at Riker, who just starts punching buttons on his console)
Picard: There’s something fishy going on around here, Counselor. And I’m going to find out what it is. (Looks at the viewscreen) Picard out.
Daniels: It may be an alien intruder sir. They could have falsified sensor logs and created sensor echos.
Data: Mr. Daniels, do you even know what you’re talking about?
Daniels: Yes. I mean, no. (Starts sobbing)
Data: Then, I suggest you had better check yourself before you wreck yourself, because your mouth is writing checks your ass can not cash, homie.
Data: Sorry, sir. I have been downloading dialect from Earth’s late twentieth century into my positronic matrix.
Picard: Very well. I’m going to be in my ready room, let me know if anything else occurs. Number One, you have the bridge. (Picard makes his way into the ready room)
Riker: (Stares at Ensign Perim and starts slobbering)
Perim: (Notices the holes Riker is boring through her back and turns around. Riker has a glazed expression on his face) Can I help you sir?
Riker: Oh, nothing. Well, maybe something. Ensign, I have a, uh, sensor echo I need you to check out in my quarters.
Perim: Mr. Daniels would be much more qualified than me, sir.
Riker: No, no. It must be YOU ensign. That’s an order. (The two head for the turbolift)
Daniels: But, Commander, who’s going to be in charge of the bridge?
Riker: You are, Mr. Daniels. (The turbolift doors shut)
Daniels: (Sits down in the wrong chair) I’ve never driven a go cart in my life, let alone commanded a starship. HELM! LAY IN A COURSE FOR THETA EPSILON IOTA ALPHA III! MAKE IT ENGAGE!
(The bridge crew look at Mr. Daniels, because nobody is at the helm. Daniels start weeping)
Rick Berman, Brannon Braga and Jeri Taylor are sitting in an office, discussing Star Trek.
Berman: Okay. We have finished the stories for the next season of Voyager. Now, Mr. Braga and I will unveil our new plan to take over Star Trek.
Taylor: You’re not going to try this AGAIN, are you Mr. Berman?
Berman: (Smiles) Yes, we are Mrs. Taylor. We have an ingenious plan this time. Don’t we Brannon?
Braga: (Fumbling around with a paddleball)
Berman: Right. Anyway, for my latest plan, I have constructed a device that will send us to an alternate dimension, where Star Trek is reality and I will take over the Federation!
Taylor: Another dimension?
Taylor: Sounds lame.
Berman: I’m Rick Berman. Lame is my middle name.
Braga: When are we leaving, Mr. Berman?
Berman: Tonight, Brannon. Tonight, the plan goes down.
MEANWHILE, IN THE DELTA QUADRANT...
The Voyager crew is sitting in the conference room, where they are discussing the day’s strange happenings.
Janeway: Has anyone located Wildman or Carey yet?
Tuvok: No, Captain. And my security team reports Ensign Vorik is missing now too.
Chakotay: At this rate, our entire crew will be gone and replaced by new people in twenty hours.
Janeway: We have to work together to solve this problem. Tuvok, have Crewmans Gilmore, Lessing, and the rest of the Equinox crew join your security detail as temporary deputies.
Chakotay: Gilmore and the Equinox survivors are gone too, Captain.
Janeway: (Puts her face in her hands) What else can go wrong today?
Neelix: (Over commlink) Captain! Somebody has stolen my shuttle!
Kim: This sucks.
TO BE CONTINUED...
NEXT EPISODE: BERMAN AND BRAGA APPEAR! AN OLD FRIEND FROM THE PAST VISITS THE FUTURE! NAOMI WILDMAN WONDERS WHO HER MOTHER IS! STAY TUNED!
Webmaster’s Note: The remaining episodes of “Berman and Braga Return” were unfortunately lost during an unanticipated removal of old threads at the Trek BBS, before the stories were saved for future use. Sadly, there were no backups available...