Berman and Braga Strike Back, Chapter 10: “The Final Dimension”
Written by Jason Reichstetter
All hell has broken loose in Sick Berkett’s compound. Akiva Goldsman, Sick Berkett’s right hand man, has joined forces with the sadistic producer, Jon Peters, creator of Superman IV: The Quest For Peace, and Wild Wild West. Meanwhile, Sick Berkett and Mini-Berman have engaged in a battle against who gets to destroy Star Trek. Also, a future Rick Berman has traveled back in time to stop the madmen from destroying the universe.
Berkett: Goldsman, you sold me out!
Goldsman: (Laughing heartily) You think I’d want to help you write for Star Trek? I’m still planning the downfall of Batman and Lost In Space.
Berkett: Then, what is your intention here?
Peters: I gave Mr. Goldsman an ultimatum, Mr. Berkett. I’m going to allow Mr. Goldsman to create Lost In Space 2 providing he can give me reign of the Star Trek universe.
(Rick Berman and Sick Berkett look at each other startled)
Berman: Why in hell would you want control of the Star Trek universe?
Peters: Don’t you see?!? Are you that naive? I’m going to make a Star Trek remake movie! Imagine: a Star Trek movie produced by Jon Peters. Starring Will Smith as Captain Kirk, Carrot Top as Spock, Freddie Prinze, Jr. as Scotty, Ryan Phillippe as Sulu, Halle Berry as Uhura, Matthew Lillard as Dr. McCoy, and Yakov Smirnoff as Chekov.
Berman: You evil... sadistic... BASTARD!
Berkett: Yeah, even I’m not evil enough to put Carrot Top in a Star Trek production. You truly are insane.
Peters: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Motions for Goldsman) Mr. Goldsman, release my penguins with the guided missiles attached to their backs.
Goldsman: Right away, sir!
(Suddenly, the room fills with penguins)
Berman: (Holds out his hand to Berkett) Come with me if you want to live.
(Berman, Berkett, and Mini-Berman to flee the compound. The penguins give chase. Hahn Jobbe, leaving the break room after getting him a cup of coffee, is trampled to death by the penguins)
At the Shady Acres Looney Farm, Captain Sisko is called into a conference room, where several people dressed in suits and ties are awaiting him.
Mulder: Avery Brooks? (Mulder shakes Sisko’s hand) I’m Agent Mulder, FBI. These are my associates, Agent Scully, Agent Doggett, and Agent Krycek. (He gestures around the room. Doggett and Krycek are busy playing Mario Kart head to head on their Game Boy Advances) Right. Anyway, let’s get down to business...
Scully: Yes. It was reported some strange object was seen falling out of the sky last week that landed in the middle of the Paramount lot.
Sisko: That was my space station. I’m Captain Benjamin Sisko of the United Federation of Planets.
Mulder: Uh, huh. (Reviews Sisko’s file) It says here, your name is Avery Brooks, and you used to play Captain Sisko on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.
Sisko: No, no, no. You’re mistaken. I am Captain Sisko. I am the Emissary.
(Mulder and Scully look at each other)
Sisko: I was sent here by the Prophets. My Mother was a Prophet, a being that lives in the wormhole in the Bajoran sector of the Alpha Quadrant.
Scully: (Leans over and starts whispering in Mulder’s ear) The psychiatrist tells me Avery Brooks went insane after his first TV show, a spinoff of Spencer For Hire, bombed and Brooks was forced to spend a few years making direct-to-video movies.
Mulder: Ooooooookay. So, if you really come from space... (Mulder starts looking at Sisko intently) have you seen my sister? She was abducted by aliens.
Sisko: Yes, as a matter of fact, I banged your sister last night.
Mulder: YOU SON OF A BITCH! (Mulder lunges over the table and engages in locking Sisko in the choke-hold.)
(The psychiatrist, a Dr. Silberman, runs in and grabs Mulder, his assistants tying him down and giving him a shot of morphine)
Silberman: (Looks at a hidden camera and adjusts his tie) Model citizen...
(The morphine starts kicking in, making Mulder groggy. Agents Scully, Doggett and Krycek leave the looney bin to search for more clues, leaving Mulder lying on the table.)
Mulder: Everybody calls me Spooky...
At the airport security station, Connor and Duncan MacLeod of Clan MacLeod are awaiting to be interrogated by the U.S. Customs. The Customs agent, Special Agent Mike Rotch enters.
Rotch: Good afternoon, gentlemen.
Connor: There can be only one...
Rotch: All righty then! Let’s get started. I’m wondering why two people of Scottish descent...
Connor: We’re not Scottish. We come from a distant planet...
Duncan: We do not come from a distant planet! We come from the highlands of Scotland!
Rotch: All right, fellas, let’s just simmer down now. I want to know why you two were attempting to carry two very large swords onto Flight 47, which was heading for Los Angeles.
Connor: There is an immortal there, that we must destroy. A very dangerous immortal by the name of Rick Berman. He threatens to destroy Star Trek.
Rotch: Well, why don’t you tell me how you first met this Mr. Berman, and what your business is with him?
Connor: All right...
(The setting gets all blurry and fuzzy, and all of a sudden, we’re back in 18th century Scotland. A merry festival is taking place at the local tavern, with spirits and celebration occurring. There is a drunken line dance going on, and we can see Connor and Rick Berman sitting at a table, sharing some beer.)
Connor: Okay, now. Thanks for the drink.
Berman: No problem. (Starts chugging his beer)
Connor: By the way, I am Connor MacLeod of Clan MacLeod. What’s your name?
Berman: I am Rick Berman of Clan Berman.
Connor: (Eyes get wide) You’re an immortal!
Berman: Yes. I have been charged with a mission.
Connor: What kind of mission?
Berman: I am supposed to hang around for another two hundred years and ruin a television show called Star Trek.
Connor: I hate to burst your bubble, there, bub.
Berman: What do you mean?
Connor: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!
(Insert “Princes of the Universe” by Queen, here. Berman and Connor engage in a massive sword fight. Their swords are clanging together, sparks flying. However, a couple of sword swipes don’t aim true, and several tavern members get decapitated. Berman stabs at Connor, striking true in the gut. Connor falls, as a torch hanging on the wall lands on the floor, immediately setting the tavern ablaze)
Berman: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I am too drunk to cut your head off, Connor MacLeod of Clan MacLeod! I tried already. I missed and ended up cutting off one of my testicles. At any rate, there will be no Quickening tonight. But, I will take your chick.
(Berman grabs Connor’s woman, and runs out the door, cackling madly. Connor staggers out of the tavern, where a lynch mob is waiting on him)
Lyncher #1: Let’s cut his balls off!
(The crowd cheers)
Redneck Lyncher: (Waving around torch) YES! YOU CAN DO IT! YOU CAN CUT HIS BALLS OFF ALL NIGHT LONG!
(The crowd inches toward him, and all of a sudden, we’re back in the Customs office. However, something is amiss. Two guys clad in all white, carrying two jackets without the sleeves cut out of them are standing behind Connor and Duncan. They slip the strait jackets over them.)
Connor: Wait! There must be some mistake! I’m not cold!
Duncan: You know, Connor, I always wondered why you talked real funny. I guess now I know why.
(The two men throw Connor and Duncan into the back of a white van with a yellow smiley face on them. The legend on the van reads: SHADY ACRES LOONEY FARM.)
Connor: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONNNNNNEEEEEE!
TO BE CONTINUED...
Brannon Braga senses a disturbance! Sisko and Mulder get two new cell mates! Doggett and Krycek try seducing Agent Scully! Berman, Berkett, and Mini-Berman look for help in their battle against Jon Peters and Akiva Goldsman! Stay tuned!