Berman and Braga Strike Back, Chapter 11: “Peters’ and Goldsman’s Sinster Plot”
Written by Jason Reichstetter
Scott Bakula, Jolene Blalock, Brannon Braga and David Livingston are sitting in Braga’s office, viewing the newest episode in the critically acclaimed Enterprise series.
Archer (On TV): So, Trip, you mean to tell me this old boat has been floating around in space for the last three hundred years?
Tucker: Yes, Captain. I ran a metallurgic analysis on the hull and it does reveal it was launched from Earth in the year 1885.
Archer: That’s impossible. Earth in 1885 consisted of people riding around in horse and buggies, not flying around in shuttlecraft.
(Archer and Tucker look at the shuttle flabbergasted, when all of a sudden, the comm system beeps. Archer walks up to the wall panel and flicks the switch.)
Archer: Archer here.
T’Pol: (Over comm) Captain, we have just received a subspace message from a Suliban vessel. It’s from Silik.
Archer: Let’s hear it.
Silik: BWARHARHARHARHARHARHARHAR! It was I who sent that shuttle back to 1885!
Archer: Damned Temporal Cold War...
Tucker: Son of a bitch!
(Livingston pauses the video and gets up)
Livingston: This is a great series! It’s pulling in fabulous numbers! Sure beats the hell out of Voyager!
Braga: (Smiles) Or, “Bore-ager” as some fans have come to call it. (Braga has an enlightened look on his face) You know, I’m glad I was released from the evil clutches of Rick Berman. It has shown me there is more to life than wearing a beloved television series into the ground with lame plot lines and hokey merchandising techniques...
Bakula: Yeah. We’re happy to have you aboard now. I was afraid I was going to have to kick your ass.
Blalock: Agreed. I was one millisecond away from kicking you in the jimmies.
Braga: Never fear, I have learned the error of my ways. That will never happen again, believe me. No, that life is behind me and I will never revert back to that kind of producer. No matter what the circumstances.
(Braga’s intercom dings)
Braga: What is it?
(It’s Braga’s secretary, Victoria)
Victoria: Mr. Braga, a Mr. Scrotum Licker is here to see you.
Braga: (Sighs heavily) Our “beloved” director of Paramount demographics and merchandizing. Send him in.
(Braga’s door slides open and Mr. Licker enters. A balding man about forty, stocky, Licker has a hairlip)
Braga: Yes, Mr. Licker, what can I do for you?
Licker: I was sent here on the orders of the esteemed President of UPN. You are to cease and desist immediately.
Braga: Beg your pardon?
Licker: (Pulls some charts out of his briefcase) As you can see here, on this chart, most UPN programming is designed to appeal to the ten to fifteen year male demographic, as you can see by our series Special Unit 2. As you know, we have just recently acquired rights to Homeboys In Outer Space, which we plan to relaunch, and the Wayans Bros. Now, we plan to sandwich Enterprise, which has very strong ratings, between the Wayans Bros, which will come on before, and Homeboys In Outer Space, hoping to catch some of Enterprise’s audience with our hard-core sci-fi that is present in a typical Homeboys episode.
Braga: Uh, huh. And you needed to tell me this why? I am not in a position to argue with what time slot Enterprise falls into.
Licker: Well, you see Mr. Braga, that’s the problem. Enterprise is making the rest of the UPN lineup look unintelligent.
Bakula: The rest of the UPN lineup is unintelligent. My two year old kid was watching Special Unit 2 the other night and changed it, saying it was insulting his intelligence.
Licker: That is beside the point. My reason for being here is because I have a very lucritive offer for you, Mr. Braga.
Braga: Oh, really?
Licker: (Smiles) Why, yes. You see, I have been authorized to give you an extra $4.7 million dollars on your next check if you agree to dumb down Enterprise.
Braga: Dumb down like how?
Licker: Well, I’ve already discussed this with the bosses, and they seem to think adding an ex-Borg drone with large knockers onto the Enterprise crew is the way to go. Also, (starts flipping through a clipboard) we want you to emphasize high concept episodes again. It’s been a while since we’ve seen an evil nebula attack the ship or have some space creatures try to impregnate the ship. Holodeck episodes are always a winner too. Hell, “Fair Haven” and “Spirit Folk” are my all-time favorite Star Trek episodes! And I’ve been watching since the days of Captain Kirk!
(Everybody in the room shudders)
Braga: I have actually been attempting to steer clear of telling stories like that. It was pretty fun on Voyager, but I want to move on to something different. Like, tell real stories.
Licker: Playing hardball, huh? Paramount has actually authorized me to give you a check made out for $10 million dollars to dumb down the show.
(Dollar signs slowly form in Braga’s eyes)
Licker: Also by dumbing down, we want you to add Marlon Wayans onto the show to replace the Travis Mayweather character. And, we’ve kicked this idea around some, we want you to remove T’Pol’s catsuit and have her walk around in her bra and panties all the time.
Blalock: That’s not T’Pol’s uniform! Vulcans don’t do that kind of thing!
Licker: Oh, in the name of hell, just put a Vulcan symbol over your nipples, or something. That was the highest rated part of “Broken Bow”, was the rubdown between Tucker and T’Pol.
(Braga starts licking his lips at the thought of money. Blalock gets up, kicks Licker in the nuts, and Bakula throws him out of Braga’s office)
Bakula: Yeah, and you can shove your Vulcan symbols up your Vulcan ass, you damned dirty prick!
(The door slides shut. Braga is in a trance. Bakula walks up and starts snapping his fingers in Braga’s face.)
Bakula: Hey! Hey, little buddy, you alright?
(Braga snaps out of it)
Braga: Oh, I’m sorry. It almost happened again.
Braga: I was almost tempted... (an evil look comes across his face for a split second) to join the Dark Side of Filmmaking! (The look disappears) Anywho, time’s a wasting. Let’s get started writing our next few episodes!
Sick Berkett, Rick Berman and Mini-Berman have successfully fled Berman’s compound, which is now under the control of Jon Peters and Akiva Goldsman. They are in the desert, just about two miles outside of Los Angeles. They start walking back to the city.
Berkett: I’ve lost everything! My lair is gone! My Star Trek movie is gone! I even lose my hair, if you really are my future self!
Berman: Hey, shut up! I’m not balder than you.
Mini-Berman: Um... actually you are.
Berman: SILENCE! RICK BERMAN WILL NOT TOLERATE YOUR INSOLENCE!
Berkett: Speaking of which, if you really are the future version of me, how come you don’t refer to yourself as Sick Berkett?
Berman: Because I am Rick Berman.
Berkett: You mean you were never joined with a man named Sam Beckett?
Berkett: Temporal mechanics give me a headache.
Berman: Yeah. I’m just happy the actual space-time continuum actually doesn’t follow any kind of common sense, much like a typical Berman/Braga time travel plot.
Berkett: I’m going to have to agree with you. However, now is not the time to worry about how you got here. We have to find some way to rid my lair of that Jon Peters bozo.
Berman: That is actually why I came back in time. I tried that already when Peters took control of my hideout. It didn’t work. So, I accessed Temporal Vortex and had him send me back here to intercept you.
Berkett: (Walks for a second) Well, this sucks. How the hell are we supposed to rid ourselves of Peters and Goldsman?
Berman: We have to enlist the help of Brannon Braga.
Berkett: That little twerp? He is of no use to us. He has defected over to the side of Scott Bakula. My power over him is no more.
Berman: Brannon Braga is the key. Braga is capable of boring the most intrepid Star Trekker to death with his lame plot lines. Without us, Braga is a very competent writer. However, once we get within 500 meters of him, he will be back under our control. When that happens, we can go back to our lair and defeat Jon Peters!
Berkett: Excellent! My lair will be mine again!
Berman: You mean mine.
Berkett: No, mine!
Berman: I built the damned thing!
Berkett: No you didn’t! I did! Wait a minute! If I’m you, and you’re me, then we both built the lair! (He looks around for a minute and hangs his head in shame) I hate temporal mechanics.
In Berman’s underground lair, Jon Peters has taken over and is now in command with Akiva Goldsman as his right hand man.
Peters: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Any second now, my plan will be put into effect!
At a house in rural California, an eight year old is happily watching Barney the Dinosaur, singing along to the songs. All of a sudden, the gay purple dinosaur changes over to a picture of George Clooney’s mug, dressed up as Batman.
Batman: Hello, Freeze! I’m Batman!
Mr. Freeze: Cool party! Everybody chill! The iceman cometh!
(The boy starts crying and starts flipping through the channels, but it is no use. Batman and Robin is on every channel!)
Mr. Freeze: You’re not sending me to the cooler!
Jon Peters is sitting in his oversized chair, cackling madly.
Peters: My plan is complete! Batman and Robin is now playing in every household around the globe! Any second now, the United Nations will call and ask me what my demands are, and I will get the billions I need to make Lost In Space 2!
Goldsman and Peters: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
TO BE CONTINUED...
Berman and Berkett enlist Brannon Braga’s help to combat Jon Peters! Jon Peters receives a desperate plea from the United Nations! Agent Mulder encounters three unusual cell mates in the Looney Bin! Stay Tuned!