Berman and Braga Unemployed, Chapter 2: “Armageddon... The Sequel”
Written by Jason Reichstetter
Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay are busy on a sound stage in the Touchstone Pictures studios. There is fire and explosions going off everywhere as some cast members are running around in spacesuits on the asteroid set with pieces of rock flying around. A tour group stops by the stage.
Tour Guide: ...and, if you look to your left, you can see the production on a high-profile movie being made for Touchstone Pictures by Jerry Bruckheimer and the Valhalla Production Company. “Armageddon 2: The Wrath of Dan Truman"...
Tour Group: Oooooooooh Aaaaaaaaaaah
(The tour group walks on)
(Amidst all the chaos on the set, with Steve Buscemi and Michael Clarke Duncan running around screaming, Ben Affleck calmly gets into a dramatic pose and holds his radio)
Affleck: Truman, what you’re doing is wrong!
(Billy Bob Thornton’s character, Dan Truman, who is stationed at NASA on Earth, is talking on a voice over)
Thornton: YOU’RE WRONG! I always wanted to be an astronaut! But, my leg was screwed up! You guys took all the credit when Harry Stamper took out that asteroid! HE WOULDN’T HAVE DONE IT IF IT WASN’T FOR ME! (Billy Bob starts sobbing) YOU GUYS TOOK AWAY EVERYTHING FROM ME! WELL, IF I CAN’T BE AN ASTRONAUT, NOBODY CAN!
Affleck: Dan, using a large magnetic device to attract asteroids to Earth is not the way to become an astronaut...
(Liv Tyler can be heard over the intercom)
Tyler: You haven’t told him yet! That is my husband up THERE!
(A smack can be heard)
Thornton: Shut up, bitch! (Thornton snickers) So, have you gotten the hole drilled yet?
Buscemi: Yeah, we just have 50 more feet and we have two transmissions left.
Thornton: Have you checked your nuke yet?
Thornton: IT’S A DUD, BABY! BWHAHAHAHAHA!
(Ben Affleck starts shaking, gripping the communications device)
Bay: And.... CUT!
(The chaos on the asteroid set subsides, and everything quiets)
Bay: Print! Check the gate! Excellent work guys, we really nailed it that time!
(Michael Bay gets up and shakes everybody’s hands)
Bay: Really excellent!
(Jerry Bruckheimer walks over to Michael Bay and Ben Affleck)
Bruckheimer: Very excellent! This movie is going to be great! (Bruckheimer looks over at Michael Bay with a stern look) So, Michael, with production of “Armageddon 2” nearly wrapped, have you decided what film you’re going to do next?
Bay: I don’t know. Do you have anything in mind?
Bruckheimer: (Smiles) I’m glad you asked. (Bruckheimer produces two scripts and hands them over to Michael Bay) I’ve had these in development for a couple of months now. “Pearl Harbor 2” and “Gone in 60 Seconds 2: Raymond Calitri Returns.” I’m leaning more toward “Gone is 60 Seconds 2”, because we’re close to having Nicolas Cage signed on, but, if we can get Ben Affleck signed on right now, we can start production immediately on “Pearl Harbor 2.”
(Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer look over at Ben Affleck)
Affleck: I don’t know, guys! (He sighs) I’ve already signed on for the new Jack Ryan movie, “More Terrorists and Explosions” over at Paramount.
Bruckheimer: Paramount is of no consequence to us. We can have your contract voided.
Affleck: I don’t know... I’d have to have a sex scene with Kate Beckinsale...
Bruckheimer: Consider it done.
(Affleck gets ready to talk when a loud-ass helicopter lands right next to the sound stage. Michael Bay runs outside and starts yelling like a moron for the helicopter to get turned off, but the pilot keeps pointing toward Bay’s office. Michael Bay runs down the Touchstone lot and gets in his office, where an older man is digging through Bay’s food)
Bay: What in the hell do you think you’re doing here?
(The old man uncaps a bottle of Jim Beam and starts chugging it)
Bay: Hey! We were saving that!
(The old man finishes off the bottle and belches, staggering over to Bay)
Ewing: For today, I guarantee it!
Bay: Just who in the hell do you think you are?
Ewing: J.R. Ewing, president over at Paramount. (Ewing shakes Bay’s finger) And I’m delighted to meet you in person, Michael Bay. I have an interesting proposition for you.
(Jerry Bruckheimer busts into Bay’s office)
Bruckheimer: Okay, who’s the dickhead and why does he have a better helicopter than me?
Bay: Um, this is Mr. Ewing, president of Paramount.
Bruckheimer: (Flushes) Did I say dickhead? I meant SACK OF SHIT!
Ewing: Now, now now. You’ll reconsider after you hear this. (A dramatic pause) I own a franchise. (Another pause) It’s called “Star Trek.” I wrested control of it from Rick Berman, because I plan to make money off of it. And I want you two to do a movie for me.
Bruckheimer: A Star Trek movie? Are you insane?
Ewing: No, I am quite sane. I have already got a screenwriter working on it. I’m trying to... revamp it. It’ll have Captain Kirk in it, and an entirely new cast to replace the old one.
Bay: Have you got a cast yet?
Ewing: Actually, that’s why I came to you. I will allow you to cast anybody you want in the movie, just as an added bonus for doing it.
Bruckheimer: (Snaps his fingers and a secretary comes in the office) Get me Bruce Willis immediately. (The secretary runs out)
Ewing: Actually, I was thinking about making this a teen friendly movie... (Ewing produces a list from his pocket) I want you all to hire some teenie-bopper cast members, and I just happened to have a list drawn up for you...
Bay: (Takes the list and starts reading it) Captain Kirk - Ben Affleck, Mr. Spock - James Van Der Beek, Scotty - Josh Hartnett, Sulu - LL Cool J, Chekov - Freddie Prinze, Jr., Dr. McCoy - Ryan Phillippe, and Uhura - Jennifer Love Hewitt...
(Ewing looks at them intently, and notices hearts floating around their heads)
Ewing: So, what do you say?
Bruckheimer: It will have to have lots of explosions and one-liners in it.
Ewing: I’m way ahead of you.
Bruckheimer and Bay: WE’LL DO IT!
(They all start hugging and laughing)
Rick Berman and Brannon Braga are walking down the main drag in the wrong side of Los Angeles.
Braga: Do you even know where we are, Mr. Berman?
Berman: Of course I do, Brannon, we’re heading toward the unemployment office.
Braga: Um, but, Mr. Berman. Isn’t the unemployment office on the other side of town?
Berman: No, it’s downtown.
Braga: But, downtown is THAT way... (Braga points in the opposite direction.)
Berman: SILENCE! I know where we’re going.
Braga: This sucks, Mr. Berman.
Berman: I know.
Braga: I mean, it’s bad enough they fired us and took away Star Trek from us, but, they didn’t have to tow our cars too...
Berman: I KNOW!
(They walk farther along, where they come up to a gang of street thugs)
Berman: Be very quiet, Brannon. We are in unsafe territory...
Street Thug #1: What the F***?
Berman: Ah, shit. We’ve been spotted.
(The street gang walks over to Berman and Braga, who are all carrying boards with nails in them and crowbars)
Thug #2: Sucka, whatchu doin in our turf?
Berman: Um, we’re on our way to visit our grandmother. Yeah. She’s, uh, sick, or something.
Thug #1: Brotha, you be pickin the WRONG neighbahood to be visitin yo grandmotha! This is our turf here!
Berman: Well, let us pass and we’ll be out of here momentarily.
Thug #2: No way, sucka! Prepare for an ass kickin!
Berman: Run Brannon!
(The two run off, being chased by the gang members)
TO BE CONTINUED...
Berman and Braga reach the unemployment line! Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer arrive at Paramount! George Lucas pays a visit to J.R. Ewing! Stay tuned!