Berman and Braga Unemployed, Chapter 3: “The Story Meeting”
Written by Jason Reichstetter
J.R. Ewing, Sherry Lansing, Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay are in the Paramount Conference Room conducting a story meeting with several various screenwriters in attendance for the Star Trek remake project.
Ewing: Excellent. And you’ve reviewed my proposal?
Bruckheimer: We have. The idea of Captain Kirk and company facing off against some space faring squids is inspired.
Bay: ...as long as we can have a crapload of explosions...
Ewing: Yes, yes yes. Just put the pyrotechnics devision out of business. I don’t care. But, I want the space faring squids.
Bruckheimer: I did have another idea...
Bruckheimer: (Stammers a little) Well, we COULD appeal to the chick crowd by throwing a love story in there as well.
(J.R. Ewing clasps his hands together and chuckles to himself)
Ewing: Excellent. VERRYYY excellent.
Bay: We were thinking, while fighting the space squids, the Enterprise can crash into an asteroid halfway through the movie, and the rest of the film can deal with Captain Kirk and Lt. Uhura getting it on. That is, while not running from Spock, with whom Uhura was previously engaged. Then, eventually, the air is all sucked into space until they get saved by an even bigger, kewler looking Enterprise.
Ewing: Sounds great! (There’s a squeaking noise) I’ve already contacted Akiva Goldsman and Graham Yost. They will be starting on the script here very soon. I will give them the revisions and they can hack away on the script.
(Pause. Another squeaking noise)
Bay: We’ll make this work sir. We’ve even thought of a sequel. There can be this Starbase, where Captain Kirk works, which gets attacked by some Klingon Battlecruisers and Kirk and Spock have to go across the Neutral Zone with an Admiral named Doolittle and a mix-matched crew of recruits, and Spock, ultimately, gets killed by some Romulans and Kirk has to take care of Spock’s kid, which is mothered by Kate Beckinsale, and...
Ewing: That’s enough. Sounds great (another squeaking) WHERE IS THAT SQUEAKING NOISE COMING FROM?!?
(Everybody looks out the window and sees Berman and Braga looking in, lost puppy looks in their eyes, with tears welling up)
Ewing: Get the hell out of here! (Ewing shakes his fist and Berman and Braga leave. Ewing focuses on Bruckheimer and Bay) That will be all, gentlemen.
(Bruckheimer and Bay leave)
Lansing: They sure did have a lot of good ideas to contribute, sir!
Ewing: (Laughs) Too bad I will be firing them here in a couple of days and steal their ideas for myself! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Rick Berman and Brannon Braga are busy walking down the street, discussing things.
Braga: We really have to find some work, Mr. Berman.
Berman: I know.
Braga: We’ve been booted out of three homeless shelters in three days because of complaints that we smell bad.
Berman: I know. (They stop in front of a mask shop. Berman smiles) I have a plan. Come Brannon. Star Trek will be ours for the raping soon enough.
At the Twentieth Century Fox Studios, another different story meeting is taking place between George Lucas and Rick “Potty Mouth” McCallum.
McCallum: Oooh, I love this new plot contrivance you came up with, George.
Lucas: Hehehe. I thought it was pretty funny myself...
McCallum: Making Jar Jar a Senator and making Boba Fett a baby will definitely piss off the fanboys.
(Lucas and McCallum share a hearty laugh. The phone rings)
McCallum: (Picks it up) McCallum here. What the f*** do you want? (Pause) Uh-huh. (Pause) S***! F***! Cu**! C***sucker! Motherf***er! (McCallum slams the phone down) We’re really f***ed now!
Lucas: What is it?
McCallum: Those f***ing f***ups over in the f***ing costume department f***ed up the Jar Jar costume. S***!
Lucas: This is bad. Let’s ride. (Lucas and McCallum leave the office)
Rick Berman and Brannon Braga walk up to the security guard at the Twentieth Century Fox lot. The guard looks at them. Berman is wearing a plaid flannel shirt and Braga is wearing some sunglasses.
Guard: Uh, yeah. Can I help you?
Berman: I’m George Lucas, and this is my associate Brannon... I mean, Rick McCallum. We’re here to work on “Star Wars.”
Guard: What’s the password?
Berman: Um, uh... Berman sucks.
Guard: (Smiles. Opens the gate) Go on in. And have a great day, Mr. Lucas!
Berman: Ah, screw you.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Berman and Braga plan a new Star Trek movie inside the Twentieth Century Fox studios! Bruckheimer and Bay get canned by Paramount! Lucas and McCallum get an interesting phone call from J.R. Ewing! Stay tuned!