Chapter 4: “George Luca$ Meets Rick Berman”
Written by Jason Reichstetter
Rick Berman and Brannon Braga have snuck into the offices of George Luca$ and Rick “Potty Mouth” McCallum in an attempt to make a new Star Trek movie to compete with the one being conceived over at Paramount Pictures. Little do they know of the horrors about to be unleashed upon them.
(Berman and Braga look around Luca$’ office in awe. There are several Noobian fighters hanging everywhere, along with a sketch of a sphere, labeled “Early Death Star.” Braga pays special attention to the Death Star picture, where, up in the corner, is written “Star Wars: Episode Three - Attack of the Boy Bands")
Braga: Hey, Mr. Berman, is this how you make a “Star Wars” movie?
Berman: (Grimly) No, this is how you piss off your fan base.
Braga: (Picks up a script for Episode Three and starts flipping through it) OOH! OOOH! Now I know how Episode Three ends! Anakin doesn’t become Darth Vader after all! If this reads right, it’s really Jar Jar who becomes Darth Vader. Anakin and Padme end up spending the rest of their lives together at the palace in Theed. (Stumbles upon some more notes and reads them) Apparently, they’re working on a re-re-release of the original trilogy, editing Ahmed Best dialogue in the place of James Earl Jones’. And, in Return of the Jedi, they’re editing out that old fart Anakin’s face with Jar Jar’s.
Berman: My... GOD... This man’s insane...
(Brannon Braga picks up a model of a Naboo cruiser and a model of the Millennium Falcon and starts smashing them together while making laser noises with his mouth)
Berman: STOP IT, BRANNON! I’M TRYING TO CONCENTRATE!
Braga: (Blushes) Oops. Sorry, Berman.
Berman: Now, let’s see. There’s got to be a way to sneak onto one of the soundstages and rig it to look like a Star Trek movie. All we need to do is hire some no name actors to play the part of Captain Picard and his crew, slap the name Star Trek on it. The fans will automatically watch anything as long it has the Star Trek name on it!
Braga: Excellent idea, Mr. Berman!
(They both hear a noise and duck. Luca$ and McCallum enter the office)
McCallum: That f***ing Ahmed Motherf***ing Best. I swear, if I could find a different G D actor to play that stupid piece of shite character Jar f***ing Jar Motherf***ing Binks, his ass would be replaced by my f***ing foot, and he’d spend the rest of his miserable motherf***ing life licking the sewage out of my motherf***ing septic tank!
Luca$: Calm down, Mr. McCallum. Ahmed Best will be erased soon enough. After he has fulfilled his duty to Luca$film, LTD.
McCallum: But, but, that would mean we still have at least THREE MORE YEARS working with him making Episode Three! Not to mention the f***ing time its going to take to redub his voice over top of James Earl Jones in the original trilogy!
Luca$: As I said, be patient. Our time will come soon enough. Soon, the entire “Star Wars” fanboys will be shitting themselves when they see I have place midi-chlorian references all throughout the entire “Star Wars” saga. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
McCallum: Very evil, indeed, Mr. Luca$.
Luca$: Which reminds me... (walks over to the speakerphone and presses a button. Luca$’ secretary, Janice, answers)
Janice: Yes, Mr. Luca$?
Luca$: Janice. This is important. Get down to marketing and have them rerelease the original trilogy on videocassette.
Janice: But, Mr. Luca$, we’ve already rereleased the original trilogy on videocassette several times already. The fans are wanting the special edition DVDs.
Luca$: F*** the fans.
Braga: (Silently weeping) That’s my line...
Luca$: Release them. The fans will buy them again. I have foreseen it.
McCallum: Genius marketing, sir!
Luca$: Don’t cream yourself over it just yet, McCallum. (Starts sniffing)
McCallum: What is it?
Luca$: I’m sensing a disturbance in the Force. A presence I have not felt since... (Luca$ pulls back the shades to his office, where Berman and Braga are revealed to have been hiding) AHA! Berman and Braga! I should have known. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I came back to my office.
Berman: How’s your neck treating you, Luca$? Oh, yeah. I forgot. YOU DON’T HAVE ONE!
Luca$: Why you little... (Starts choking Berman)
Braga: (Falls down in the floor sobbing) Why do you all always fight?!? Why can’t we all just get along?!?
(Luca$ lets go of Berman)
Luca$: All right, Berman. I’ll let you live. But, I’m only doing this because I know someday you will come to your senses and join me in my quest to completely alienate all “Star War"s fans.
Berman: You’ll never take me alive, Luca$! I’ve sworn to ruin “Star Trek”, and that’s what I intend to ruin!
Luca$: Bah! Guards, take them away!
(Several guards emerge and haul off Berman and Braga to a secret underground dungeon in the 20th Century Fox lot)
Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay are busy talking to the casting producer, Larry Berry, about their choices for roles in the upcoming remake of “Star Trek”, which is tentatively being referred to as “Star Trek: Regurgitated.”
Berry: Okay. We definitely have Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett on board. And we expect Freddie Prinze, Jr., Matthew Lillard and Brandy to sign on in the next few days. Now, the only problem we’re having is with Sulu and Chekov.
Bay: Why not Jet Li and Yahoo Serious?
(A light appears over Jerry Bruckheimer’s head)
Bruckheimer: (Whispers) Genius...
Berry: Now, it is common now for many major studio releases to litter a film with cameo appearances. So far, I have lined up... the Backstreet Boys have agreed to cameo as some ill-fated redshirts, as has Carrot Top and Judge Reinhold... wait a second. Judge Reinhold declined, because he stated the back-to-back filming of “Beethoven’s 11th” and “Beethoven’s 12th” will restrict his shooting schedule. DAMN DAMN DAMN!
Bruckheimer: (Pats Berry on the back) It’s okay, it’s okay! If all else fails, we’ll just get Corey Haim and Corey Feldman. The way I understand it, they’re so desperate for work, even McDonald’s won’t hire them.
Berry: (Wipes the sweat off of his brow) Oh, thank God!
(Suddenly, MAILTIME gets sung at an irritatingly high pitch, much like on Blue’s Clues)
(The mailman walks up and starts handing various letters to Larry Berry, who excitedly tears open the envelopes. Tears start welling up in Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay’s eyes)
Bay: D-d-don’t w-w-we get a letter?
Mailman: Nope. (Digs around in his bag) Oh, yeah. I forgot. You did have one from Mr. Ewing. Here you go. (Hands Bay the letter and walks off, whistling)
Bruckheimer: Well, don’t keep me in suspense, man! What does it say?
Bay: (Reading) I regret (not really) to inform you that your services for “Star Trek: Regurgitated” will no longer be required. We have hired the crack team behind 1998’s “Godzilla”, which starred Matthew Broderick, to take over your duties. Please vacate the building in an orderly and quickly manner, before I have armed guards escort you out.
(Bay and Bruckheimer look around, where several armed guards are standing, staring at them)
Bay: I think it would be a good idea if we left.
Bruckheimer: I concur. (The two walk out the Paramount offices with the guards following them. As they stand outside, all the guards but one turn and leave. The one guard shrugs and walks over to Bruckheimer, where he hits him in the back of the leg with a nightstick. Bruckheimer falls to the ground, crying)
TO BE CONTINUED...
Berman and Braga plan a new Star Trek movie inside the Twentieth Century Fox studios! Bruckheimer and Bay get canned by Paramount! Lucas and McCallum get an interesting phone call from J.R. Ewing! Stay tuned!