Berman and Braga Unemployed, Chapter 5: “A Revelation is Revealed”
Written by Jason Reichstetter
In a dark room somewhere within the city limits of Los Angeles, some evil doings are afoot. The room, which is a small room that resembles a cave, contains only one occupant. This occupant is wearing a cloak and has a hood pulled over his head. This occupant, EVIL PERSON, is looking in a crystal ball at events transpiring.
Evil Person: HAHAHAHA! All is going to plan!
(In the crystal ball, Berman and Braga can be seen being hauled off by George Luca$’ security force to the Twentieth Century Fox Dungeon and Torture Chamber. A split second later, the crystal ball reveals Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay carrying pink slips, crying)
Evil Person: The end draws near. All is proceeding EXACTLY as I have foreseen. How do I know this, you ask? BECAUSE I HAVE FORESEEN IT! (Evil Person continues caressing and rubbing the crystal ball, starting to get aroused by it)
Rick Berman and Brannon Braga are being taken down to the Dungeon Area of the Fox Studios by George Luca$’ security guard, Harry Johnson. They are descending down a spiral staircase, which goes on forever and ever, down into a deep dark chasm of no escape.
Berman: Hey, guard, I’ll give you a dollar if you let me and my associate go.
Johnson: Bah! You can buy nothing for a dollar.
Berman: Shit. I really thought that was going to work.
(Inspiration strikes Braga)
Braga: OOOOH! OOOOH! Let me try! What do you mean a buck can buy you nothing? You can talk up to 20 minutes with 10-10-220!
(The guard slows)
Berman: Yes! Yes! You can talk to anyone within the continental United States for 20 minutes for a dollar! Then, it’s ten cents a minute every minute thereafter!
Johnson: (Scratches his chin) Hmm. I DO need to call my Mother...
Berman: Then this, my friend, is the perfect opportunity to do so. (Pulls out his wallet, which is bulging with $100 bills and pulls out a buck and waves it in front of Harry Johnson’s face) Huh? What do you say?
(Johnson considers it)
Johnson: Make it... TWO dollars.
Berman: Damn you strike a hard bargain.
Johnson: Two dollars or no deal.
Berman: All right. All right. Here’s your two dollars. Frigging vulture...
(Johnson takes the two dollars and releases Berman and Braga, who scramble up the stairs)
In the dark room, Evil Person has just seen the events that have just transpired.
Evil Person: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I was so close to having them locked up forever! Nevertheless, I must now work even harder to make sure they stay gone for good. (Evil Person starts chanting spells and other assorted witchcraft and sorcery)
George Luca$ and Rick McCallum are writing the script for “Star Wars: Episode Three - More Toys and Explosions.”
McCallum: The head of the f***ing studio called. They want to know when the f*** the f***ing script will be f***ing complete.
Luca$: (Sighs) If I told them once, I told them a thousand times. To piss off fans requires time. They want me to write a toy commercial, I need time to saturate the script with toys. Call the studio, tell them to f*** off. And, if they piss me off again, I’ll send my toy commercial to a new distributor.
McCallum: Aye, sir. (McCallum heads for the phone)
Luca$: (Typing and talking in unison) Amidala: I have a bad feeling about this. Anakin: Come on, Padme. A threesome between a Gungan and Wookie would be cool to watch. Come on. Or, else I’ll get one of your handmaidens to, uh, aid me with their hands. Amidala: All right. All right. Anakin: YIPPPPPPEEEEEEEEE!
McCallum: (On the phone) Listen here, you f***ing piece of sh**. I f***ing told you to f***ing give Mr. Luca$ more f***ing time. We onto something really f***ing major here. (Pause) Yeah, well f*** you! G-D it! (McCallum slams the phone down)
Luca$: What did they say?
McCallum: We’ve just been canned.
Luca$: Excellent. More money for me. I’ll pull “Star Wars” out from under them and I’ll make a mint! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
McCallum: Um, there’s a problem. They’ve already talked to their motherf***ing lawyers and they’ve taken “Star Wars” away from us. F***ing bastards.
Luca$: Then, our work here is done. Don’t worry. I foresaw this coming, and I know now what we must do.
Luca$: Be patient. I believe the answer awaits us at our local neighborhood Taco Bell. I had a vision last night, and I saw that we would meet the head of a major motion picture corporation and be asked to ruin a new franchise.
Luca$: Let’s ride.
Berman and Braga are walking along the Twentieth Century Fox lot, heading back for the gate.
Berman: Well, Brannon, so much for that idea.
Braga: (Starts sobbing) We’re never going to find new jobs! We’re never going to get to bang hot chicks again! (Sobs louder)
(Berman and Braga are stopped by an important looking man wearing a suit. This is Hugh Richardson, head of 20th Century Fox)
Richardson: Wait a minute. I know you two from somewhere.
Berman: Um, no you don’t. We’re figments of your imagination.
Richardson: (Starts snapping his fingers) YEAH! YEAH! I know you! Your that Rick Braga person. And you must be Brannon Berman. (Pointing at Braga)
Berman: No, I’m Rick Berman and my associate here is Brannon Braga. We’re just here for a tour of the studio.
Richardson: That’s not what the guard told me.
(The guard at the gate walks up and looks at Berman and Braga)
Guard: Yeah, these bastards told me they were George Luca$ and Rick McCallum. They lied to me!
Braga: Ah, shit. We’re screwed.
Richardson: No, you’re not. I believe fate brought you here today. I have an opening for you if you want it. For a job.
Berman: What kind of job?
Richardson: I’ve taken “Star Wars” away from George Luca$, and I want you two to ruin it for me. I hear you two are the best in the biz.
Berman: Oh, we are! We are!
Richardson: I believe you. I also watched “Voyager”, which completely turned me away from “Star Trek”. Here, come with me. We have much to discuss.
In the dark room, the Evil Person is yelling and screaming at the top of his lungs. Things are veering from the path that he had seen. Evil Person starts slamming his fists against the table.
Evil Person: Damn you Berman! Damn you Luca$! I worked hard to get you two fired, and all you’re doing now is switching out jobs! Don’t worry. I’ll have my revenge soon enough.
(There’s a knock on the door)
Evil Person: Come.
(The room gets flooded with light and Evil Person takes off his hood. Evil Person squints at the bright light. It is Naomi, Evil Person’s secretary)
Evil Person: What is it?
Naomi: Mr. Stewart, you have a phone call. They say it’s important. It’s Avery Brooks.
Stewart: I’ll take it in here Naomi. Bring me the cordless phone.
Naomi: Yes, sir. (Naomi shuts the door behind her)
(Patrick Stewart is brooding and talking to himself)
Stewart: Things must be worse than I feared if Avery Brooks is calling me. This is not good. I may have to resort to plan B. (Stewart jots down a note reminding him to call Brent Spiner later)
TO BE CONTINUED...
George Luca$ and Rick McCallum meet two studio execs at Taco Bell! Berman and Braga talk with Richardson! Patrick Stewart, Brent Spiner, and Avery Brooks call an emergency meeting! The universe starts unraveling next episode! Stay tuned!