Berman and Braga Unemployed, Chapter 6: “The Wrath of Temporal Vortex”
Written by Jason Reichstetter
Patrick Stewart and Avery Brooks have called an emergency meeting. They are in a hidden location somewhere on the outskirts of Los Angeles discussing some dangerous goings on.
Stewart: Things are looking bad, Avery.
Brooks: I know, Patrick.
Stewart: (Looks at his watch) How long did Mr. Spiner say he’d be getting here?
Brooks: I talked to him on his cell phone, and he said he was stuck at the Ins-erection Porn Shop waiting in line to buy the newest adventure of Harry Palm.
Stewart: Damn him. This meeting was supposed to be getting underway approximately three and a half minutes ago.
(There’s a knock at the door)
Stewart: Ah, that must be Mr. Spiner...
(Patrick Stewart gets up and opens the front door. It isn’t Mr. Spiner. That much can be seen by looking at the cowboy garb and hat and goofy moustache the figure is wearing. However, it does LOOK like Brent Spiner)
Stewart: LOADS OF CASH!?! What the hell are you doing here? (Stewart happily lets Loads of Cash in, clapping him on the back)
Loads of Cash: I was sent here in place of my creator, Mr. Spiner. He foresaw he would not be able to leave the pornographic materials establishment until he got done viewing the new issue of Chicks In White Panties in the back room.
Brooks: You’ll have to suffice. Come on in, have a seat!
(Loads of Cash sits down)
Stewart: Would you like some refreshments? We have some Valvoline and some WD-40.
Loads of Cash: No thank you. I stopped off at Pep Boys on my way over here.
Brooks: Okay. Let’s get this meeting underway. Apparently Mr. Berman and Mr. Braga...
Loads of Cash: Begging your parden, but I have been monitoring all Earth communications, and I have intercepted some alarming news.
Loads of Cash: It appears that Mr. Berman and Mr. Luca$ have both been fired from their jobs...
Brooks: That’s what I was getting ready to say. They have switched places and Berman is now going to be head of “Star Wars” and Mr. Luca$ has already finalized a deal with Paramount to make a Star Trek movie.
Loads of Cash: It has become more disasterous that you and I could ever have imagined.
Stewart: How is this dangerous? Berman is out of “Star Trek.” That’s what we were wanting.
Loads of Cash: I have tapped into Mr. Luca$’ mainframe at Paramount, and I have uncovered what he is planning to do. He is rewriting Trek history as he did “Star Wars” with “The Phantom Menace.”
Brooks: That doesn’t sound so bad. A rewriting of the Star Trek universe would probably rejuvenate the franchise.
Loads of Cash: (Shaking his head) No. It is worse than that. I literally mean, he will be doing a prequel. Starring Jake Lloyd as Captain Picard, Jonathan Lipnicki as Commander Riker, et cetera. Not to mention a mixed crew populated with Gungans, Ewoks and Neboidians.
Stewart: My... God...
Brooks: They truly are insane.
Stewart: How will the “Star Wars” franchise suffer from Berman’s leadership?
Loads of Cash: Even worse than “Star Trek.” Mr. Berman is planning a plot where Anakin Skywalker and the Naboo starship get pulled into the Delta Quadrant and have to fight Kazon and Borg. Ad nauseum.
Brooks: We have to stop them. NOW.
(Stewart is way ahead of him. He picks up his cell phone and punches some buttons)
Brooks: Who are you calling?
(Stewart sticks up one finger, hushing Brooks)
Stewart: MR. HAMILL! HOW’S IT HANGING?
Stewart: Yeah. Yep. Uh-huh. Listen, we have a problem. (Pause) Need you to come to my lair. (Pause) Toshi Station will still be there when we get back. (Pauses, rolls eyes) Yes, of course I’ll buy you some power converters. Okay. Talk to you when you get here. Make it so. Stewart out.
Brooks: What was that all about?
Stewart: Mark Hamill is coming here to help us out.
Loads of Cash: Excellent. We need all the help we can get in these desperate times.
Production has started full swing at the Paramount Studios, as George Lucas and Rick McCallum are busy churning out the script for “Star Trek: The Next Generation - Episode One - The Phantom Borg Cube.”
McCallum: (Looking over Lucas’ shoulder as Lucas sits at the typewriter, click-clacking away) Excuse me, what the f*** are you doing?
Lucas: What does it look like? I’m writing a Star Trek script.
McCallum: I can SEE that. Where’s all the potty humor and annoying kids and annoying aliens?
Lucas: (Tears welling up in his eyes) I just want to write a good script! I have seen the errors in my ways and it’s just not as fun ruining Star Trek as it was “Star Wars.” Star Trek would be fun to ruin if only...
McCallum: If only what?
Lucas: (Wipes his eyes) Nothing.
McCallum: You miss Berman, don’t you?!?
Lucas: No, I don’t. (Lip starts quivering)
McCallum: (Laughs heartily) Oh-ho! F***ing ho! Aww.... Mr. Wucas missing Mistaw Bewman! Awww.... Does Mr. Wucas need his bob-bob?
(Lucas gets up from his typewriter in a rage)
Lucas: Hey, you know, screw you! I don’t need you!
(Lucas runs off toward the balcony, where the night is filled with lots of stars and smog)
McCallum: Hey, come on back! Relax, guy! I was just yankin your crank! Come on! Don’t be such a pussy!
(Lucas is still standing up on the balcony, looking at the north star)
Rick Berman and Brannon Braga are reviewing the information given to them from Richardson about the “Star Wars” universe.
Braga: Um, Mr. Berman?
Berman: (Sighing as he looks over the preproduction art for Episode Three) What is it, Brannon?
Braga: (Tears welling up in his eyes) I-I- I miss Star Trek!
Berman: I know, Brannon. It’s okay.
(Braga is now sobbing, and Berman gets up to pat him on the back)
Berman: Star Trek is now in good hands. Look at what good work Luca$ did with “Star Wars.” He can only do even better work at ruining “Star Trek.” The fan base will hate him more than they hated us.
Braga: (Between sobs) I just don’t know if I can do it! The “Star Wars” fan base isn’t as psychotic as “Star Trek’s.”
(Berman pats Braga on the back some more, tears welling up in his own eyes)
Berman: Well, Brannon, try to get to work on that script. Think about it: it’ll be fun. Anakin fighting the Kazon! Even the Borg!
(A little smile appears on Braga’s face. He turns to the keyboard and starts typing, reading his words aloud)
Braga: “Star Wars: Episode Three - Attack of the Borg.” It is a dark time for the Galactic Republic. Giant Borg cubes and Species 8472 bioships have been attacking the planet Coruscant non-stop ever since...
(Berman looked at Braga working hard, and fought back tears of his own)
Berman: Poor little bugger. He deserves better than this. WE deserve better than this. We must take back “Star Trek.” If Mr. Luca$ helped us... (Berman walks out onto the balcony and looks up through the smoggy Los Angeles night sky and sees the north star. Berman starts singing softly) Some... WHERE... out... THERE...
George Lucas has started singing to himself too. A tune very familiar to Berman.
Lucas: If... LOVE... can SEE... us... THROUGH!
Together: THEN! WE’LL BE TOGETHER!...
At Patrick Stewart’s hideout, plan B has been implemented. Patrick Stewart, Avery Brooks, Loads of Cash and Mark Hamill have all stepped into the center of Stewart’s hideout, where a demented being resides.
Stewart: Oh, Temporal Vortex! We call on you!
(A swirl of light swims all around the room as the Guardian of Forever ripoff springs to life)
Temporal Vortex: WHO DARES AWAKEN THE AWESOME WRATH OF TEMPORAL VORTEX? KEEPER OF REALMS AND DESTROYERS OF NAYSAYERS! THE STREETS WILL FLOW WITH THE BLOOD OF THE NONBELIEVERS!
Brooks: It was we, oh, Temporal Vortex. Patrick Stewart and Avery Brooks. We seek out you assistance!
Temporal Vortex: TEMPORAL VORTEX’S HELP? BAH! TEMPORAL VORTEX HELPS NO ONE. NOT EVEN FOR A DOLLAR.
Stewart: Why not a dollar?
Temporal Vortex: BECAUSE A DOLLAR CAN BUY YOU NOTHING THESE DAYS.
Loads of Cash: Buy you nothing?!? Why, with a dollar you can talk to someone you love for twenty minutes with 10-10-220!
Temporal Vortex: R-R-REALLY? I GUESS I DO NEED TO CALL MY MOMMA...
(At this Carrot Top enters)
Carrot Top: ANYBODY KNOWS THAT FOR COLLECT CALLS YOU SHOULD DIAL 1-800-COLLECT! IT’S CHEAP FOR THEM!
(The room is silenced for a minute while everybody looks at Carrot Top)
Brooks: Where in the HELL did you come from?
Carrot Top: (Sobs) I have no where else to go. Nobody will let me live with them.
(Temporal Vortex in a rage extends a swirly arm and sucks Carrot Top to the end of time)
Temporal Vortex: THAT WILL PUT A STOP TO CARROT TOP’S REIGN OF ANNOYANCE. TEMPORAL VORTEX WILL COMPLY WITH YOUR REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE IN EXCHANGE FOR ONE AMERICAN DOLLAR.
(The group cheers and Patrick Stewart gives Temporal Vortex a dollar)
Stewart: We want to go back to the 1970s. When Berman and Braga went to high school. We have to stop them.
Brooks: Good plan.
Stewart: (Dramatic pose) We must follow them back. Repair whatever damage they’ve done...
(The four enter Temporal Vortex and are whisked away to the 1970s)
TO BE CONTINUED...
Meet Berman and Braga in high school! Stay tuned!