Berman and Braga Unemployed, Chapter 8: “The Wrath of Mr. Mathers”
Written by Jason Reichstetter
Ricky Berman and Brannon Braga sat in their high school pre-algebra class flicking spitwads at the varsity football players and winking at the cheerleaders. The cheerleaders rolled their eyes and gave Berman and Braga the finger. All this occured while the teacher, Mr. Mathers, droned on about polynomials and monomials.
Mathers: Now, as you can see here, using the FOIL method, we take the numbers and we...
Braga: Hey, Ricky. Want to go out to the football field and smoke some pot this afternoon after class?
(Berman’s mouth starts watering like Pavlov’s dogs)
Berman: (Snaps out of it) We can’t. Today is football practice.
(Mathers continues droning on about polynomials. Berman, who is gazing over at Jeri Taylor, starts getting a goofy look on his face. George Lucas, clad in a basketball jersey, looks at Berman and starts smacking his fist into his hand)
Lucas: (Writes something on his pad of paper, rips the paper out and throws it at Berman) ACHOO!
(The paper flies and hits Berman in the head)
Mathers: Geszundheit. Now, as you can see...
(Berman opens the paper which states, in bold script, STONER BASHING TIME AFTER CLASS. Berman looks at Lucas and gulps, because Lucas is nodding and continuing to hit is fist into his hand. Taylor leans over and the two begin playing tongue hockey)
Avery Brooks, Patrick Stewart and Loads of Cash are walking down the main street of Berman’s Creek, where dozens of cars are driving by, honking and yelling profanities at them.
Brooks: Mr. Cash, listen, I don’t remember too much about the 70s, probably because I was high most of the time, but, for some reason, I don’t think this is the kind of outfits they wore.
Stewart: I tend to agree. (Stewart tugged at his jacket)
Loads of Cash: Need I remind you, I am well versed in the history of your country. When my creator, Brent Spiner, constructed me so he could sit on his ass all the time while I make Star Trek movies for him, he programmed me with over twelve gigabytes of information, which included multiple references to the era of the 60s and 70s. The zoot suit was highly popular back in these days.
Stewart: Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Brent spend most of the 60s and 70s in drug rehab?
Loads of Cash: That is correct. However, Father did lots of research while he was constructing me.
(An El Camino drove by, and the hippie driver gave the three the finger)
Driver: GO BACK TO THE FIFTIES, RETARDS!
Loads of Cash: I believe I can handle this. (Spiner raised his hand to the under part of his chin, flipped it, and thrust his fist out, catching the arm with his other arm) SCREW YOU HIPPIE!
(The El Camino peeled out and drove off)
Stewart: That was impressive, Mr. Cash.
Loads of Cash: SHHHH! (He held his hand out) We are nearing the high school.
Mr. Mathers is finishing up his lecture about polynomials and half the class is asleep, with the exception of Lucas and Taylor, who are still busy sticking their tongues down each other’s throats.
Mathers: And with that, I’ll end classes today. Tomorrow, we’ll pick up where we left off.
(The class gets up and starts to walk out)
Mathers: Mr. Berman, Mr. Braga, I’d like to see you for a moment after class.
MEANWHILE, IN 2002...
Production has geared up on the newest Star Trek feature, “Star Trek: Regurgitation.” Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich are sitting in the Paramount Sound Stages barking out orders at the cast, which now includes Matthew Broderick as Captain Kirk, Jeff Goldblum as Spock, and Jean Reno as Dr. McCoy. Jeff Goldblum is clad in pointy ears, but still has his poofy hair and trademark thick glasses.
Emmerich: All right, places everybody. And, ACTION!
The trio is standing on the bridge.
Broderick: Spock, what do you make of it?
Goldblum: The vessel has entered Earth orbit, Captain. It has broken up into nearly three dozen different pieces.
(French Stewart, who is playing Chekov, speaks up)
Stewart: Captain! They’re firing weapons!
Goldblum: Time’s up. Checkmate.
Emmerich: AND..... CUT! PRINT! CHECK THE GATE! That was awesome!
Ricky Berman and Brannon Braga are coming out of Mr. Mathers’ room, mumbling under their breath.
Berman: See, Brannon, I told you if you smoked pot in the back of the class that people would notice.
Braga: Aw, how was I supposed to know they’d catch us?
Berman: Now we have to spend the next three weeks cleaning out the erasers.
(They look down the hall, where Ron Moore and Ira Behr have teamed up with George Lucas)
Behr: STONER BASHING TIME!
(The group runs toward Berman and Braga)
(Berman and Braga run in the opposite direction, toward the door. They stop, however, when three ominous figures in zoot suits enter the room)
Braga: Geez, buddy! Get a wig or something!
Berman: (Grabs Braga’s tye dyed shirt) Run! It’s a trap!
(Berman and Braga run down an adjacent corridor, toward the cafeteria when two more figures emerge)
Berman: Son of a bitch!
(One figure is balding and goofy looking, and the other figure is just plumb goofy and wearing glasses and a leather jacket)
Figure #1: Come with us if you want to live.
(Berman and Braga look at each other worriedly then quickly agree to follow the two. The two figures protect the two stoners and pull out a futuristic looking device that looks like a small TV. Behr and his thugs and Stewart and his thugs stop at the sight of the two figures. The bald man presses a button on the futuristic TV)
Paris: You know, Tuvok, you’re a real freakasaurus!
(The Voyager cast chuckles)
Opposing Gangs: ARRRRGGGGGGGHHHH! (They scramble away, out of the school.)
Ricky Berman and Brannon Braga look at the two men in awe.
Braga: That was AMAZING! What was that? That looked really high-concept!
Berman: Yes, who are you people?
(The future versions of Berman and Braga chuckled to themselves as their younger versions looked at each other perplexed)
TO BE CONTINUED...
Two generations of Bermans and Bragas unite! Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich continue production on “Star Trek: Regurgitation"! Stewart and Behr team up to combat Berman and Braga! Stay tuned!