Berman and Braga Unemployed, Chapter 9: “Back to the Future”
Written by Jason Reichstetter
In a deep, dark, dank chasm, an evil awakened. An evil so horrible, so powerful, that it was unspeakably... um, evil. Yeah. The swirling void of temporal energy swirled with the lights of a thousand and one halogen bulbs. The being was awake. And pissed.
Temporal Vortex: ALL RIGHT! NOW TEMPORAL VORTEX IS PISSED!
The Berman’s Creek varsity football field was deserted, save for four potsmoking youngsters. Well, make that two potsmoking youngsters and two old farts that happened to be smoking pot as well.
Future-Berman: ...so that was how we made it to Berman’s Creek.
Berman: So, you’re actually my future self?
Berman: And you’re here to prevent a guy who resembles Kojak, a guy who stars in commercials, and a robot from killing us.
(Ricky Berman looks at his roach and starts giggling madly)
Berman: (Grabs Braga by the collar) DAMN! THIS IS SOME GOOOOOD SHIT!
(Berman and Braga giggle like little schoolgirls)
In the parking lot of Berman’s Creek high school, an ominous vehicle was patrolling. The vehicle, a 2002 Expedition, patrolled the 1970s parking lot, attracting lots of attention. Three occupants were inside. Patrick Stewart, Avery Brooks and Loads of Cash were piled into the front seat, scanning the horizon for a few stoners.
Brooks: Loads of Cash, are you certain that we’re driving a vehicle of this time period?
Loads of Cash: Correct.
Stewart: (Looks around) Um, I think you may want to check your database. We’re attracting an awful lot of attention. Make it so.
Brooks: Wait! I see something on the hill!
(Stewart grabs a pair of binoculars and scans where Brooks is pointing)
Stewart: (Mumbling) Hippies! Mr. Cash, set a course and engage at 35 MPH.
Loads of Cash: Acknowledged.
Future-Braga: ...and there’s this hot chick named Jeri that you’ll meet in the future. She’s got some big jugs... and you’ll get to boink her every day to the exasperation of Star Trek fans everywhere...
Berman: Um, we ARE talking about the same Brannon, here, aren’t we?
Future-Braga: Yep. I screwed her just before we came back here, actually...
Future-Berman: (Rubs his eyes and face) Don’t ask me HOW he got a chick that hot, the dumbass he is... it just gives me a headache to think about...
Future-Braga: (Eyes widen) Speaking of big jugs... RICK!
Future-Berman: DO NOT, FOR THE LAST FRIGGING TIME, CALL ME RICK!
Future-Braga: Sorry, Mr. Berman, but, I have our ticket back into Star Trek!
Future-Braga: (Looks off into the distance, obviously the wheels in his head [however warped they may be] are turning) “Fleet Watch"!
Berman, Braga, Future-Berman: “FLEET WATCH”?
Future-Braga: Yes, “Fleet Watch.” It’d be kind of like “Baywatch.” It’s about this ship of hot chicks that travels around the Alpha Quadrant in nothing but bikinis. I figure they can have two comm badges, one on each nipple, and a third on their crotch. On second thought, screw the bikinis and just have them wear the three comm badges. Yeah! They pilot the USS Lesbian, and they all make out with each other all day!
Future-Berman: What would be the plot?
Future-Braga: Oh, Mr. Berman... don’t you remember? This is Star Trek! Plot doesn’t matter! As long as there are hot chicks scantily clad, the fans will watch it!
Future-Berman: You know Brannon (eyes light up) You’re right! We have to go see Mr. Ewing! (Berman and Braga look at the future version of Berman and Braga)
Berman: What about us?
Future-Berman: Screw you guys. We’re going home.
Berman: But, if those three jackasses are still after us, and they decide to kill us, you cease to exist.
Future-Braga: Wait a second. That isn’t the way time travel works. All you have to do is hit the reset button and everything works out fine! Just like in that one show... what was it called... Voy... Voya...
Future-Berman: (Smacks Braga upside the head) Voyager! RETARD! And they... I mean... WE’RE right. If Stewart and his cronies get ahold of us, they’ll probably try to kill us... or Stewart will drone on about something and put us all to sleep. Come, we must get out of here.
(Berman, Berman, Braga, and Braga all get up and walk down the varsity football field when the hear loud tires squealing)
Berman: What the hell is that thing?
Future-Braga: It’s a small moon.
Future-Berman: You dumbass. That’s no moon. That’s a Ford Expedition. (Eyes widen in horror) Ford Expedition! That’s Patrick Stewart! Run like hell!
(The foursome haul ass across the field when they are all of a sudden stopped by a swirling vortex of energy)
Temporal Vortex: BEHOLD! THE TEMPORAL VORTEX HAS OPENED!
Future-Berman: Temporal Vortex! Quickly! We need to get back to the future!
Temporal Vortex: TEMPORAL VORTEX HAS NO INTEREST IN THE WANTS OF A PRIMITIVE BEING SUCH AS YOU!
Future-Berman: But, we’re about to be run over! We need to get back so that we can take back what is rightfully ours!
Temporal Vortex: YOU HAVE ANGERED TEMPORAL VORTEX! YOU AWOKE TEMPORAL VORTEX AND NOW TEMPORAL VORTEX CAN NOT GET BACK TO SLEEP! F*** YOU RICK BERMAN OF STAR TREK! F*** YOU RIGHT IN YOUR STUPID ASS!
Future-Berman: Oh, hell. Come on, let us in!
Temporal Vortex: NO!
In the Ford Expedition, Avery Brooks is creaming himself as the SUV approaches Berman’s coordinates.
Temporal Vortex: IN ORDER FOR TEMPORAL VORTEX TO GRANT YOUR REQUEST, YOU MUST GIVE TEMPORAL VORTEX A HUMAN SACRIFICE! ONLY THEN WILL YOU BE ALLOWED ENTRY!
Future-Braga: One of us has to... to... (tears well up in his eyes) d-d-die?!?!? (Braga looks around at the two past selves and Berman) Who’s it going to be?
Future-Berman: NOT ME! (Shoves Braga into the Vortex) SEE YA SUCKER!
(Future-Braga spins around in the Temporal Vortex until he explodes in a million pieces)
Future-Berman: I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUU....
Temporal Vortex: EXCELLENT. THE ADMISSION HAS BEEN PAID! YOU MAY NOW PROCEED.
Braga: You know something, Ricky, you’re going to be a real dickhead.
Berman: Yeah. You know something, Future-Me, you suck!
Future-Berman: (Eyes glow) Shut up and get in the frigging vortex!
(The three enter Temporal Vortex and are whisked back to 2002, followed immediately by the 2002 Ford Expedition, which careens right into the Vortex right as it closes)
To be concluded in “Berman and Braga Unemployed: Episode Ten - Endgame"! Stay tuned!