Roland Emmerich, Dean Devlin and David Arnold were on the set of “Star Trek: Regurgitation”, viewing what was certain to be a blockbuster. Matthew Broderick was sitting in Captain Kirk’s chair, which had been rigged with neon lights and flashing bulbs and the bridge was outfitted with a disco ball and a strobe light to give the bridge a “retro” feel.
Emmerich: And... ACTION!
(French Stewart, sitting at the weapons console, playing Pavel Chekov, blinked madly and started mashing buttons on the props)
Stewart: Captain, the Klingons are hailing us.
Broderick: (Raises up from his chair and gets in a dramatic pose) Let them eat static. Damned Klingon bastards.
(Jeff Goldblum, donning Mr. Spock’s pointy ears and eyebrows, walks up to stand next to Matthew Broderick)
Goldblum: (Mumbling) Umm... may I remind you Captain, that uh...
Devlin: (On a megaphone) Speak up Goldblum!
Goldblum: ...Starfleet has ordered us to investigate...
Devlin: LOUDER! YOU’RE MUMBLING!
Goldblum: ...the Prime Directive and logic would dictate...
(Emmerich grabs the megaphone from Devlin)
Emmerich: DAMN YOU, GOLDBLUM! SPEAK UP!
Goldblum: (Looks at Devlin and Emmerich, still mumbling) I AM yelling. I am going to go hoarse from all the yelling I’m doing.
(At this, Garrett Wang enters the stage, dressed in rags and carrying a sign that says “Will work for food.")
Wang: Hey, guys!
Emmerich: Oh, for Chri... CUT! TAKE FIVE!
(Jet Li, sitting at the navigator’s console for Mr. Sulu, gets up and does some martial arts moves that pulverizes half the set)
Li: You stupid American bastard! You canna make movie! Lazy American pig of bastard! DAMMIT! (Jet Li does some more moves and completely immobilizes French Stewart)
Stewart: Ow, my appendix...
(A swirling vortex of light appears out of nowhere, blinding the production crew)
Temporal Vortex: BEHOLD! ALL BASK IN THE GLORY! TEMPORAL VORTEX HAS ARRIVED! THE STREETS WILL FLOW WITH THE BLOOD OF THE NON-BELIEVERS!
Stewart: Ow, my retinas!
(Three figures emerge from the swirling vortex, followed by a Ford Expedition, which crashes into Wang and tears off half of the Enterprise bridge set)
Broderick: (Horrified) Oh, my God! They killed Garrett! You bastards!
Goldblum: (Looks around at the mess and utter confusion going on around him) I... I am perplexed at how an event of this magnitude could...
(The Enterprise set has been decimated, and Devlin and Emmerich look at the three figures that emerged from Temporal Vortex and eyes widen in horror)
Emmerich: Berman... Rick Q. Berman...
Berman: Yes, I have returned to take back what is rightfully mine!
(Patrick Stewart, Avery Brooks and Loads of Cash emerge from the smoldering wreckage of the SUV and glare at Berman, Berman and Braga in a look of utter hatred)
Stewart: I’m afraid I can’t let you do that Mr. Berman!
Brooks: Yes, you rotten bastard. The line must be drawn here.
Berman: (Sneers) You weak pathetic fools! Little do you know I brought a secret weapon back with me. Step back, unleash control of Star Trek to me, and be gone!
Emmerich: Hey, Mr. Berman. We were assigned to direct this movie by Mr. J.R. Ewing himself, and we’re not leaving until we finish it!
(The “Star Trek: Regurgitation” production crew looks around and realizes the young Ricky Berman has disappeared)
Stewart: Where’s the little one?
Loads of Cash: Which little one?
Stewart: The Mini-Berman! The one that looks like a monkey!
Berman: Oh, you’re going down you French bastard!
French Stewart: (Mystified) MY NAME’S FRENCH!
Past-Berman: Yeah, well who gives a damn.
(Patrick Stewart and Rick Berman look at each other and circle around each other, fists clenched, each in a fighting pose)
Stewart: Guess, what, Rick?
Berman: What, Patrick?
Stewart: I’M NOT FRENCH! I’M ENGLISH! NEVER AGAIN CALL ME FRENCH! DO I LOOK LIKE MY TEETH ARE ROTTED? NO, THEY DON’T! I’M AN ENGLISHMAN! AND I’M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!
Berman: Bring it on, you old buzzard!
(Berman punches Stewart in the face, then grabs his hand back in pain. Stewart stands there as if a fly had landed on his nose. It was almost like one had)
Stewart: (Chuckles merrily and grabs Berman by the shoulder, punches him in the face, and flings him into the mixing studio, where David Arnold is hunched over in fear)
(Berman crashes into the mixing board, and suddenly loud music starts blaring over the speakers. It’s the battle music from the Original Series episode “Arena")
Berman: (Grabs his ears, blood shooting out of them) ARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH! THE HORROR! THE HORROR!
(Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin rush into the mixing room, and attempt to bypass the main mixing mechanism. But, it is badly damaged)
(Berman rears back and lunges toward Stewart, grappling him and smacking him repeatedly in the face. Avery Brooks runs over and helps out his buddy Stewart, and Loads of Cash wanders over and stairs at a computer console, love obviously in his eyes. All the while, the music from “Arena” blasts overhead in a neverending loop of death)
Fighting breaks out everywhere. Emmerich starts slugging Devlin in the gut, Broderick has French Stewart in a headlock, Jet Li is smashing people into pool tables and bouncing off of walls, drop kicking people in the face. Jeff Goldblum, in the meantime, has run off into the deepest, darkest parts of the soundstage, and has started sucking his thumb.
The fighting rages on for over an hour. Berman is beaten badly, and the young 70s version of Brannon Braga has lit a toke and is taking drags off of it. It looks like the good guys are going to win. But...
Berman: (Looks up toward the ceiling) Now, Ricky! Use the secret weapon nowwwwwww!
(Ricky Berman nods in acknowledgement and presses a button. All of a sudden, the “Arena” music stops blaring and is instead replaced with muzak. Not really muzak, but music... WALLPAPER music. The theme from... the theme is unrecognizable it is so terribly bland. Everybody grabs their ears in pain, yelling and screaming for Berman to make it stop.
Berman: (Holds the remote control and laughs and laughs) You fools! Don’t you know? You can never beat Rick Berman! Rick Berman controls your future! Your destiny! Star Trek is now mine once again! Bow before Rick Berman! (Rick Berman raises his arms in a messiahnic fashion, and all of a sudden, his head along with everybody else’s heads, explode from the loud wallpaper music. The set is a mess.
J.R. Ewing and Sherry Lansing walked into the gorefest that was the “Star Trek: Regurgitation” set.
Ewing: Bloody FRIGGING hell! (Every step Ewing makes is followed by a squishing noise)
Lansing: Ugh. I think this was French Stewart... (Looking down at a mess about two yards off)
Ewing: So much MONEY... wasted. Production is now behind! How will we ever make capital off of this movie?!? We’re doomed!
(There’s a coughing sound in the background)
(Ewing and Lansing rush by Rick Berman’s remains and go into a corner, where two young boys are busy passing around a bong)
Ewing: Who the hell are you?
(The young Ricky Berman and Brannon Braga look up. Their pot-induced high had kept them from hearing the god-awful wallpaper music. It had, in fact, given them a really groovy trip and now they were stoned out of their minds)
Ricky: Whoa! Far out! What happened, dudes?
Ewing: Do you boys know what happened here?
(Brannon gets up and looks at all the carnage)
Braga: (Looks at his bong) This shit is AWESOME!
(Berman and Braga give each other high fives and take another hit off of the bong)
Cop cars surrounded the sound stage and the Paramount lot was crawling with police. Ambulances and wrecking crews were taking out the bodies and demolishing what was left of the “Star Trek: Regurgitation” set. Amid all the cleanup, two young boys, Ricky Berman and Brannon Braga, stood there, smoking weed. J.R. Ewing walked up to them and looked mournful.
Ewing: Well, boys, we got your DNA tests back. You are indeed, the past selves of Rick Berman and Brannon Braga. How you got here, is beyond me.
Braga: Temporal causality loop.
(Berman and Ewing look at Braga)
Braga: What... what’s happening to me???? (Braga looks into his bong, where the Braga from the future appeared in the bong water, like the mystic Jedi from the end of “Return of the Jedi.")
Future-Braga: Young Brannon, if you are receiving this message, I am gone. But, all is not lost. The bong you smoke contains all the knowledge and story ideas I have ever come up with and would ever come up with. In this bong, you will find all you need in order to keep my former job at Paramount. The job of destroying Star Trek is now yours, my young apprentice. Treat it well. (Almost as an afterthought) Jeri is now yours too. Get some poon-tang off of her. For me. I’ll see you around, young Brannon!
(The future Braga disappeared from the bong water and Berman and Ewing looked at the bong in exasperated disbelief)
Ewing: Was... was that?!?
Braga: (A look of inner peace coming across his face) Yes. It was.
(There is a long, awkward pause)
Ewing: Well, 20th Century Fox hired back George Luca$ and Rick McCallum. I have two jobs for you boys, if you want them.
Berman: Kick ass!
(Ewing puts an arm around each one of the boys and they walk toward the Star Trek production offices, in the coming twilight.)
Braga: Hey, Ricky...
Berman: Don’t call me Ricky... what is it?
Braga: I came up with a kewl new idea.
Berman: What’s that?
Braga: It’s called... “Fleet Watch.” It’s about these hot lesbians who are naked but wear a comm badge over their tits and pussies and they go around having lesbian sex and there will be kewl explosions and kewl aliens with kewl ridges on their foreheads... and...
Ewing: (Chuckling) Mr. Berman, Mr. Braga, I foresee we will make a shitload of money...
(OR IS IT?)