Berman and Braga: A Rick Berman Christmas Carol
Written Written by Jason Reichstetter
Rick Berman is sitting in his office yelling at someone on the phone. Berman gets really loud, slams the phone down multiple times, and sits with his arms crossed, in a huff. Then, he pulls out some wads of cash and starts counting them. A knock comes to his door.
Berman: Come in.
(John Logan enters, wearing a poor Englishman’s outfit, with a hat and raggy old clothes.)
Logan: Hello, Mr. Berman.
Berman: What is it, Logan?
Logan: Well, I was wondering, Mr. Berman, since it is Christmas Eve and all, I was wondering if I could have half a day off?
Berman: (Swipes his hand across his desk, knocking everything off) Whhaaaaatttt? (Eyes turn red) No. You will not. In fact, I want you to come in tomorrow, too. We’ll work a twenty four-hour day tomorrow, and you will like it.
Logan: Ahhhh.... shit.
Berman: So, have you finished with the revisions I gave you yet?
Berman: Arrrrrggggggggghhhh! You won’t get any time at all off if you do not put a scene in Star Trek: Nemesis with Picard and Data singing the Macarena in the middle of the giant space battle with Shinzon and the Scimitar!
Logan: All right. All right. (Logan walks out the door) Merry Christmas, Mr. Berman!
Berman: Bah, humbug! (Berman counts his money more) This sucks. I think I’ll go home and come up with new ways to ruin Star Trek. (Berman walks home)
Later that evening...
Rick Berman walked into his house, whistling the tune to “I’m In the Money”, and hung up his suit jacket and plopped down on the couch. He turned on the TV and started watching Robocop 3.
Berman: Ah... a Christmas classic.
Robocop: Police officer. No loitering. (Machine gun fire)
ED-209: I am now authorized to be... loyal as a puppy.
Berman: Bwahahahahahahaha! Genius! Pure genius! (Picks up the phone) John Logan. Now! (Pause) Logan! Berman here. (Another pause) No. You can’t go home. Have you ever seen Robocop 3? (Pause) What do you mean, that movie sucks donkey balls? (Pause) Well, screw you! Rewrite Nemesis using the brand of humor in Robocop 3! (Berman slams the phone down)
Robocop: I hope you are insured.
(Suddenly, lightning flashes and chains can be heard. A ghostly figure walks through the door to Berman’s house, and Berman gets the bejesus scared out of him.)
(The ghost sits down beside him. It is Brannon Braga, covered in chains)
Braga: What’s up, Rick?
Berman: Never call me Rick! (Berman swipes at him, but his hand goes through Braga)
Braga: In life, I was your partner. Now, I am a ghost, after having been flogged to death by Star Trek fans for killing Captain Kirk. Now, I am forced to wear these chains...
Berman: Doesn’t sound too bad...
Braga: ...and watch reruns of Voyager twenty four hours a day.
Braga: My fate has already been sealed, Mr. Berman. It’s not too late for you to change your ways. Tonight, you will be visited by three Star Trek characters. Listen to them, do what they say, or you will have to watch “Spirit Folk” instead of “Threshold"...
Berman: “Spirit Folk” was funny...
Braga: No, it wasn’t! I have learned the error in my ways! (Pause) Farewell, Mr. Berman. (Braga disappears) Merry Christmas!
Berman: Christmas... bah!
Later that evening...
Rick Berman lays down in bed, with the latest issue of Playboy magazine.
Berman: Brooke Burke. A Christmas classic. (He starts flipping through the pages, to the centerfold when a figure appears before him. It is Mr. Data)
Data: Greetings, Mr. Berman...
Data: I am Lt. Commander Data of the Starship Enterprise. I am here to show you your Christmas past. If you will follow me, I will...
Berman: I’m not going anywhere with you!
Data: Don’t make me kick your ass. (Data picks Berman up) Initiating Temporal Vortex.
A blue white swirly appears in the middle of a large, open room.
Temporal Vortex: BEHOLD! THE TEMPORAL VORTEX OPENS!
(Berman and Data appear out of Temporal Vortex.)
Berman: Where are we?
Data: Do you not recognize this place?
Data: We are on the set of the Enterprise-D, about ten years ago.
(Berman looks around. Patrick Stewart is busy droning on about the Prime Directive as cameras roll. Jonathan Frakes, sitting in the commander’s chair, is falling asleep.)
Stewart: And, that, Mr. Thalgood, is why you can’t cross the Neutral Zone and go to the Gradnorian Homeworld. Mr. Data, set a course for Starbase 69 and engage!
Spiner: Aye sir.
(Stewart sits down in the captain’s chair, and a loud fart can be heard. Everybody cracks up laughing. Stewart reaches under him and pulls out a whoopie cushion. Frakes rolls in the floor, clenching his gut from laughing so hard.)
Data: (Laughs mechanically) That is a very good attempt at humor.
Berman: No, it’s not. That’s lame.
Data: Oh, I am sorry. I have just started to grasp the concept of humor, and I am afraid I am still not quite versed in the art.
Berman: What is the point of me being here?
Data: I was supposed to show you how happy everybody is here, working on Star Trek: The Next Generation. See how everybody is getting along, and they like their jobs?
Berman: Why is everybody smiling? They do not get paid to smile!
Data: This was one of the rare occasions where you went over to produce Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. The Next Generation crew had a grand old time without you here to ruin it.
Berman: Hey! Get back to work!
Data: I’ll tell you what, you can lead a jackass to water, but you can’t make him drink it.
(Data disappears and Berman reappears in his room.)
(Suddenly, more lightning flashes and Ensign Kim appears in Berman’s room.)
Kim: I am the Ensign of Christmas Present. I am here to show you different people’s Christmases.
Berman: Go away. I’m trying to jack off to Brooke Burke. Then, I’m going to hit the sack.
Kim: If you don’t come with me, I’m going to hit you in your sack. Now, let’s go.
(There’s a swirly, and Berman and Kim appear in another scantily filled room.)
Berman: Now where the hell are we?
Kim: We are now in the Artisan Pictures soundstage!
Berman: The what?
Kim: This is where direct-to-video movies are made. If you look over here you can see Whoopi Goldberg, Jonathan Frakes and Tim Russ making The Substitute 8: More Drug Dealing Kids With Machine Guns with Treat Williams. Jonathan Frakes is playing the principal.
(Berman looks at Frakes, who sticks a whoopie cushion in Treat William’s chair and laughs heartily.)
Berman: Why are you showing me this? Jonathan Frakes looks really content here.
Kim: No you idiot! Can’t you see? By cancelling Star Trek: The Next Generation and making crap Star Trek movies, Jonathan Frakes can’t get descent work, so he’s stuck doing the only thing he can... Making The Substitute and Hellraiser sequels direct-to-video!
Berman: I don’t care. Frakes looks happy enough.
Kim: (Sighs, snaps his fingers. They appear in a residence) Now, we are in Jeri Ryan’s house. (Jeri Ryan walks by. She has really expanded. She is carrying three kids, with eight more running around under her) Jeri Ryan can’t get work from anybody since she went out with Brannon Braga and now everybody thinks she is diseased...
Berman: Enough! I want to go home and whack off to Brooke Burke!
Kim: Whatever... (Snaps his fingers)
Berman: Excellent. (Berman looks over Brooke Burke’s well-oiled breasts and celestial... uh, temple)
(A loud thunder clap sounds and Berman jumps. He looks up in time to see Captain Kirk standing over his bed.)
Kirk: I... am... THE... character... OF... Christmas... FUTURE! I... WILL... show... YOU... your... FUTURE!
Berman: Ahhhhhh! Go away!
(Kirk snaps his fingers and Berman and Kirk appear in the middle of a vast wasteland)
Berman: Where are we?
Kirk: DON’T... you... RECOG... nize... THIS... place? THIS... IS... Holly... WOOD!
Berman: (Looks around) This isn’t Hollywood. Where are the buildings and soundstages?
Kirk: THEY... have... BEEN... destroyed. YOU... made... SO MANY... movies... THAT... bombed... THAT... the United Nations... DECLARED... you a... WAR CRIMINAL... and they... NUKED... Hollywood.
Berman: I got away, I presume?
Kirk: THIS... is... YOUR... grave... STONE! (Kirk pointed down at a tombstone)
(Berman leans down and reads)
Berman: “Here lies Rick Berman. He really sucks.” (Looks at Kirk) Noooooooooooo!
(Berman wakes up in his bed.)
Berman: Ahhhhh! Noooo! I must change my ways! (Looks at the alarm clock) Ah, I must have been dreaming. (Berman gets up) It’s Christmas! The perfect day to ruin Star Trek! (Berman gets up, whistling some Christmas themes to himself.)