Ever since he was a little boy, John Edward had a gift. But, after a reading by a three-nippled psychic on his fifteenth birthday, John Edward knew he had found his calling. And now, you will witness what millions of others have witnessed before. Now, prepare for a... Crossing Over... with John Edward. Ladies and gentlemen... John Edward.
Edward: (Stands in front of a goofy-looking wall mounted TV) Good afternoon. I’m John Edward. Sometimes, we want to communicate with people who have crossed over. But, since the people have crossed over, we can’t communicate with them. Sometimes, however, people who have crossed over want to communicate with those who haven’t crossed over, but they can’t, because they have crossed over. Sometimes, though, we run across an insistant spirit. A spirit who wants his or her message heard. We had such a spirit a little over a month ago. Let’s go to the gallery and have a look...
(John Edward looks at the TV, where a gallery full of people pop up and John Edward is standing in the middle of the arena.)
Edward: Alright, now I am going to... (Edward freezes. After a second his eyes start rolling back in his head. He starts slobbering at the mouth.) Oh, somebody’s trying to come through! (John Edward is thrown to the ground with convulsions.)
(The audience gasps in horror. John Edward gets up and looks toward the center of the audience.)
Edward: Okay, I’ve got a really strong spirit coming through... someone who has crossed over. They’re wanting me to acknowledge it’s for someone with a name like Carmen, Johman, something like that. They want me to validate the person has a three letter last name followed up by the letters -men. Is there anybody by this name?
(The audience has a blank expression on their faces.)
Edward: Okay. The first name is four letters. Kind of sounds like Dick, or some sort of variation of Richard. I have a feeling it’s coming from... (John Edward points toward the middle of the middle section) Right.... here!
(Edward is pointing at a balding man of about fifty and a young goofy guy of about thirty five, wearing glasses)
Edward: Okay, the spirit wants me to acknowledge that the 1970s play an important role in this. He’s also wanting me to acknowledge that there is a second person with the first name, it’s some sort of variation of “Bran.” Could be Oatbran, Raisonbran, some sort of variation.
(The audience stares blankly.)
Edward: This concerns some sort of entertainment property that involves the name “Star.” Could be some sort of variation like Star Wars, Stargate...
Man in Audience: Star Trek?
Edward: (Lightens up) Yes! This person has some sort of a connection to you?
(The two people are Rick Berman and Brannon Braga)
Berman: I don’t know.
Edward: But, some of the things I’ve told you were true?
Berman: Yes, my name is Rick Berman...
(John Edward looks goofy.)
Berman: and this is my associate, Brannon Braga. We run the Star Trek franchise.
Edward: Okay, good. Now, this person coming through is someone who was once associated with you on this program. I can’t place the name, but I know it somehow involves genes and blackberries. This person wants me to acknowledge that you two were chosen to succeed him in the running of Star Trek.
Edward: Was there anybody, perhaps that died, that gave you sole rights to govern the Star Trek intellectual property?
Edward: Okay, this person is making me feel like he entrusted the two of you to carry on the Star Trek program. He’s saying you have since run this program into the ground and you two are raping it.
(Berman and Braga look dumbfounded.)
Edward: He’s also wanting me to acknowledge that if you don’t know this shit off right now, he’s going to possess a human and go over to the Paramount Studios and kick your ass.
(Berman and Braga still look dumbfounded.)
Edward: Gene... Gene something -berry. Does this have any meaning to you?
Edward: Captain... Pickard? Some sort of variation? (His body starts trembling) Oh, he’s really coming through now... he’s emphasizing a woman named Lameway, or some sort of variation and Bowandarrower, or some sort of variation of that. And, he’s also making me feel like if you two don’t halt these two productions, it has something to do with the number two, and -01 preceded by a couple of letters, one in the middle of the alphabet, the other at the end of the alphabet, he will rise from the ashes and beat the tar out of you.
(Berman looks confused, and Braga has fallen asleep.)
Edward: Still nothing?
Edward: (Shrugs) Screw it.
(The TV fades out and John Edward is standing in front of it, getting ready to engage in a monologue.)
Edward: We followed up with our crossing over a couple of weeks ago, and here is what Mr. Berman and Mr. Braga had to say about our session...
(Berman and Braga appear on the TV.)
Berman: Well, we certainly didn’t expect to hear anything...
Braga: We originally came on the show to talk with Long John Silver to see where he buried his treasure...
Berman: Not now, Brannon. (Pauses) Looking back, I think this John Edward is full of shit, and none of his predictions or theories came true...
(There is a clanging and ghostly like moaning coming from the other room)
Braga: Mr. Berman, what was that?
Berman: I don’t know Brannon, I... I... (Eyes widen in horror) Arrrrrgggggggghhhh!
(Cut back to John Edward)
Edward: And that is why you shouldn’t mess with John Edward. It goes to prove that even though someone... whether it be a lover or an archenemy, once they’ve crossed over, they continue to carry grudges. I’m John Edward. Join us next time, when we... (dramatic pause) cross over. Good night.