Braga’s Kewl Story Pitch: A Short Story
Written Written by Jason Reichstetter
It was a fine afternoon on the Paramount lot. Various tour groups were busy staring in awe at seeing a major motion picture studio. The group gaped as they saw a giant poster commemorating the beginning of production on Tomb Raider 2: Tomb Raiderer. As we pan out, we zoom in on a building far off from the rest of the production offices. This is adjunct B-16, F Moss 3. The Star Trek production offices. Home of Rick Berman and Brannon Braga.
As we go inside, into the production offices of Enterprise, UPN’s flagship Star Trek series, we see a production meeting taking place. A story break is occurring, which is attended by Berman, Braga, Andre Jacquemetton, Andre Bormanis, Chris Black, and Fred Dekker.
Berman: All right, let’s get this break out of the way. As you all know, our season two premiere, “Shockwave, Part 2: The Revenge” has been considered a hit among audiences, raking in over one million viewers. Now, we are needing ideas for the second episode.
(The rest of the group, with the exception of Brannon Braga, starts mumbling to themselves.)
Berman: Um, excuse me. I didn’t understand what you all just said. Could one of you speak at a time and keep the mumbling down to a minimum?
(The group is silent.)
Berman: All right, if nobody wants to tell me what they said, I’ll just have to start calling out names.
(The group looks around nervously.)
Berman: Mr. Jacquemetton.
Jacquemetton: (Stammering) Um, Mr. Berman, no disrespect intended, but we are wondering why you want us here in the first place.
Berman: I’m afraid I don’t understand.
Jacquemetton: Over the course of the first season, every time you would call a story meeting, we would kick stories to you, but you would shoot them down and go for yet another hostage situation story.
Dekker: Yeah, and every script we did write, you and Monkey Boy... er, I mean, Mr. Braga would go right back and rewrite the script.
Bormanis: Yeah. That really sucks, Berman. I think you like Brannon’s stories more than ours.
(The crowd goes into a frenzy.)
Braga: Now, now, hush. Hush. Calm down.
(The crowd quiets.)
Braga: If you’ll remember, there was one story idea I pitched that we never made. That one story where Enterprise kept getting getting blown up while being caught in a time loop. That story would have had kewl effects and I could have used the reset button at the end of the episode. The fans love the reset button. They think it’s kewl. It rates right up there with kewl special effects.
Black: Sure, that was one episode we got to pitch. How about that one that dealt with Captain Archer coming to grips with his own fears over the anniversary of his father’s death? It was very poignant and it would have showed an emotional side of Archer the audience had never seen before. But, that got shot down so we could do the stupid Nausicaan episode.
Braga: Emotions, shemotions. The audience doesn’t want... um... what is that called? Char... character...
Jacquemetton: Character development?
Braga: Sure. The audience doesn’t want to see that kind of crap. All the audience cares about is kewl special effects, kewl explosions, and lots and lots of high-concept stories.
(The crowd is silent.)
Berman: All right. Now, for the plot of the second episode of the second season, we’re really starting to get into fresh new ideas and new stories that will rejuvenate Star Trek. That is the key for the second season.
Braga: That’s right. I’ve already come up with a kewl plot line that involves Captain Archer being taken hostage by the Bajorans.
Jacquemetton: Um, aren’t the Bajorans peaceful?
Braga: No! That’s the fresh part about it! (He gets excited) We’re going to be starting a one-episode arc where Enterprise discovers that a race of beings called the Bajorans are persecuting a race called... get this... the Cardassians! Huh? Kewl, huh?
Black: Um, no.
Braga: Screw you! The fans will love it. It has, um, what is it called? Con... continu...
Braga: Yeah. The fans love continuity. The Bajorans will bomb the Cardassians, so we get to see kewl explosions, and they’ll also be beating the crap out of Archer.
(Jacquemetton, Black, and Decker smack themselves on the forehead.)
Braga: Also, let me run my idea for the third episode by you. It involves Captain Archer being taken hostage by a race known as, get this: the Borg. But, since they never reveal their name to Archer, he never finds out who they are, and the Star Trek timeline remains unchanged!
Black: That sucks.
Braga: Hey! When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you. That’s why you’re the story editor and I’m the executive producer. Now, check out this other kewl idea I had for the fourth episode...