We are at the Paramount Pictures Press Room. Various reporters from different newspapers and tabloids are here to hear the words of a Mister Rick Berman, who has called this meeting to make a very important announcement. Also at the meeting table are Brannon Braga, Jon Peters, JJ Abrams, and director McG. Among the various newspaper reporters at the location are Michael Hunt, reporter for the Los Angeles Daily News, Michael Rotch, entertainment editor for the Los Angeles Tribune, and Hugh Jass, entertainment editor for Variety magazine. The paper reporters are busy talking amongst themselves waiting for the event to unfold.
Rotch: Have you heard the news yet?
Jass: What’s that?
Rotch: Vin Diesel has signed on to do xXx 3. They’ve signed on Janeane Garofalo to be xXx’s love interest and they got Crispin Glover as the villain.
Hunt: That’ll be sweet. Have they got a writer and director yet?
Rotch: Yeah, Academy Award Winning writer Akiva Goldsman...
Hunt and Jass: *coughcoughBULLSHITcoughcough*
Rotch: ...is churning out the script and they’ve got Paul W.S. Anderson of Resident Evil and Mortal Kombat fame to direct.
(Jass and Hunt quickly jot these notes donwn in their notebooks)
(A loud banging noise is heard from the front of the press room, and the reporters look up and see Berman hitting a gavel on the desk. Berman sits down)
Berman: Gentlemen. Let’s get this meeting underway. I called you here this afternoon because I have some wonderful news about the casting of a new Star Trek remake...
(Michael Hunt raises his hand)
Berman: Mr. Hunt?
Hunt: Pardon me, Mr. Berman, but I think I speak for everybody here and probably the entire world when I say I’m a little skeptical when you use the word “wonderful” in relation to Star Trek.
(The various reporters agree)
Hunt: I mean, last time, we got F. Murray Abraham as a “wonderful” villain in Star Trek: Insurrection, and we got Star Trek: Voyager.
Berman: SILENCE! I WILL NOT TOLERATE YOUR INSOLENCE! (Berman stares at Hunt for a moment longer) Anyway, I have called you here to announce the new cast for my Star Trek remake. As many of you know, Kip Kerosene is the hot new act in Hollywood today.
(The group nods)
Berman: So, I am here to announce that I have just gone through negotiations to sign Kip Kerosene onto my new movie.
Hunt: Are you trying to say you’ve cast Kip Kerosene as the new Captain James T. Kirk?!?
Berman: No, what I’m saying is that I have cast Kip Kerosene as Captain Kirk’s commie mutant clone named Caan. I have cast somebody very wonderful as the intrepid Captain Kirk, who will now be called Captain John Kirkland, all part of efforts to reinvigorate the Original Series and to attract non-Trek fans.
Rotch: So, who WILL play Captain Kirkland?
Berman: Come on out!
(French Stewart emerges from behind the curtain and waves at the reporters)
(JJ Abrams is smiling)
Abrams: This is, of course, a little taste of the changes we are incorporating into the new movie. This will be the textbook definition of a reimagining. We are very very excited about the stuff we’re working on.
Braga: As you’ve come to expect, it’ll still have the tried and true Trek spirit of kewl aliens, kewl ships and kewl explosions, so it’ll attract the old regulars as well as new ones.
(Peters and Braga nod in agreement as a tear wells up in Berman’s eye)
Berman: This one will be for the fans. “To proudly go where no person has ever went.”
(The group up on stage applauds Berman as he speaks this historic statement. The reporters look at each other and raise one eyebrow.)
(Peters is looking around intently. He sees his opportunity)
Peters: Oh yeah! Mr. Berman, how could you forget the most important feature of our new movie?
Berman: What are you talking about?
Peters: You can’t leave the biggest news of the movie out of the conference!
Berman: I’m afraid I don’t follow...
Peters: Let it be known that, for the first time in Star Trek history, we’re going to have a gay Ferengi on the ship!
(Berman looks on stunned)
Berman: Goddammit Peters, you’ve crossed the line. That’s not in the script.
Peters: It is now.
Abrams: Yeah, I just put it in.
Berman: (Gets up from his chair) You motherfu**er!
Peters: Hey, fu** you, pussy!
(The stage erupts into a Jerry Springer-ish frenzy with chairs being launched at various Paramount personnel. French Stewart runs around in circles slapping various people.)
THE NEXT DAY...
“BROKEN BONES” reads the headline of Variety magazine.
By Hugh Jass
Star Trek fans have waited eight years for the return of the legendary Captain James T. Kirk ever since his death in Star Trek Generations. Well, the Bring Back Kirk campaign was a success... but also a failure.
At a meeting yesterday with various production heads of Star Trek which included Rick Berman, Star Trek head honcho, and Jon Peters, an announcement was given about the return of the intrepid Enterprise captain in a new remake. Everything was locked. French Stewart would be Captain Kirkland, and the Enterprise NCC-1701 would be renamed the Entrepreneur, NCC-1234 and Kip Kerosene, star of such recent hits as Bright White and xXy was set to star as the villain.
But, this was not meant to be.
This reporter saw a zoo in the place of a press conference. A fight broke out between Berman and Peters which resulted in Berman getting a broken leg and arm and Peters giggling like a little school girl and driving off to meet with Vin Diesel about playing Superman. Paramount officials are declaring the movie in now in development hell..
(Berman threw the paper down and winced in pain as he held his broken arm which was in a cast.)
(Brannon Braga walks up to Berman and gives him a Ho Ho.)
Braga: Oh, Mr. Berman, don’t worry. We’ll get another chance to ruin Star Trek.
Berman: Yes, Brannon, I suppose you’re right. But, we had the perfect opportunity here and now. We missed it. But, I will not let a mistake come between us again. Next time, it will be flawless.
Braga: Is there anything else I can get you before I watch Cat Dog?
Berman: Yes. (Smiles) Get me the phone. I need to talk to Akiva Goldsman and Brett Ratner.
Braga: (Puzzled) What for, Mr. Berman?
(Rick Berman smiles as the camera moves in for an extreme close up of his face.)