Episode 3: “Campaign Calamity”
Written by Swordtail
Captain’s log, Stardate: Who gives a damn. Due to our recent battles, and more due to the recent destruction of our stardrive section, we’ve been reassigned from battle to the dead center of the Federation, Sector 153. Starfleet decided to let us keep the stardrive section that we “borrowed” from Admiral Nelix. The design is identical to the Celestial’s old stardrive so the two sections fit together perfectly. However, some of the technology is different so we’re still working out the bugs. In the meantime, our mission is to study and chart interstellar dust, several comets, and, most exciting of all, gaseous anomalies.
Scene 1 – Deck 2. Tener and Bios are walking slowly down a corridor with 4 no-names, scanning things with tricorders.
Bios – We’re definitely getting closer.
They stop in front of a door.
Bios – No doubt about it. The anomalous readings are coming from this room.
Tener – Crewman Lynch’s quarters.
Bios – Looks like there’s a whole nebula in there.
Tener – God, what was he cooking for dinner?
Bios – I don’t think it’s safe for us to open this door.
Tener – I agree. Okay boys, time to prove your worth. The first person to run in, get the late Crewman Lynch’s latinum stash, and run out gets 10% of it!
No-Name #1 – Oh boy, danger pay! How can I lose?!?
The run at the door which fails to open, resulting in 4 embarrassed and unhappy no-names sitting on the floor.
Senseless – Tener and Bios, report to the Bridge.
Tener – We’re on our way sir. Keep at it guys, it’ll open eventually.
Opening credits, followed closely by tonnes of commercials, with long, boring infomercials bringing up the rear.
Scene 2 – Bridge
All the senior staff except Greaser are present.
Center – Any idea what this is about, doc?
Puker – No clue, but it had better not take long. I’ve got a flat lining patient laying on a biobed that I should probably be getting back to.
Senseless – Senseless to Greaser, please report to the bridge.
A few minutes later Greaser steps onto the bridge.
Greaser – Yeah?
Righteous – Lieutenant, your performance over the past 2 years has been terrible. You have single-handedly caused the death of countless no-names. Morale drops through the floor when you enter the room. But we’ve got a slot to fill so I hereby promote you to the rank of Lieutenant-Commander.
Everyone above the rank of lieutenant claps. (Puker is a LC also)
Lieutenant-Commander Greaser – Well thanks, but I need to get back to my coolant leak in engineering.
Scene 3 – A shuttlecraft flies toward a comet. Onboard, the no-name crew run experiments and play poker.
NoName#2 – Read’em and weep, guys. Four aces.
NoName#3 – No fair! How come you get to sit next to the replicator?
NoName#4 – Well, I think a royal flush beats four of a kind.
N0Name#5 – Hey, I know! Let’s fly the shuttle into the comet’s tail as it throws chunks of rock and ice at us!
NoName#2 – Excellent idea, I’ll fly.
Clunk! Clunk! Clunk hiss!
NoName#4 – Oh boy! A hull breach! Wow, I’ve never sealed a hull breach before!
NoName#5 – Ah oh. This wasn’t in the job description.
NoName#4 – What do you mean?
NoName#5 – An alien ship just dropped out of warp.
The big black ship that takes more brains than they have to identify it locks a tractor beam on the shuttle.
NoName#3 activates the com system.
NoName#3 – Shuttlecraft Boredom to USS Celestial, we require assistance.
NoName#2 – You don’t really expect them to answer, do you?
NoName#3 – Just following standard procedure.
NoName#4 – Launching a message buoy.
The shuttle starts to shake and the no-names start to panic.
NoName#2 – We’re all going to die!
NoName#3 – Their tractor beam emitter is venerable!
NoName#4 – What do we do?!
NoName#3 – I don’t know!
All the no-names – AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Scene 4 – Bridge. All bridge officers are present.
Senseless – Mr. Center, try and find the source of this distress signal.
Center – Why don’t you get a no-name to do it, most of them outrank me.
Senseless – Suck it up. Now trace that signal. Now!
Baque – You can’t really be serious about finding those no-names?
Genocide – Of course not, but that was a Type-9 shuttle. Those are expensive!
Senseless – Set up a search grid.
Center – Captain, there is a transmission for you from Admiral Spot.
Righteous – I’ll take it in my ready room.
Righteous walks into the ready room and turns on the screen, which has seen better days.
Righteous – Good morning, ma’am.
Spot – Report, damn it!
Righteous – Everything’s working well, enough. Crew morale is satisfactory, we’ve done a detailed scan of this Sector and we’re currently in search of a missing shuttlecraft. Why do you ask?
Spot – The new president’s a jerk and just got impeached.
Righteous – And how do we fit into this?
Spot – I have no idea what the other empires in the Alpha Quadrant will see this as. Some might try to disrupt the election process.
Righteous – Can you make this quick, ma’am? My favorite holovision show is coming on in a few minutes.
Spot – What?
Righteous – Terry the Tribble and Friends.
Spot – Terry the Tribble? Binky the Targ? Whatever happened to the classics like Time Trek and The Adventures of Trevis and Flotter?
Righteous – Can I go now, ma’am?
Spot – Fine, I don’t care. Send Commander Senseless in here to talk to me.
Righteous goes onto the bridge.
Righteous – Senseless, you’re wanted on the comm.
Senseless enters the ready room and faces the viewscreen.
Senseless – Yes ma’am?
Spot – Remind me how Righteous got to be a captain?
Senseless – Politics. The Bajorans wanted a captain and the Federation wanted Bajor.
Spot – Right, right. What was so appealing about that worthless ball of rock anyway?
Senseless – You can thank Sisko for that, ma’am.
Spot – Well, let’s get to that point. The Celestial is to return to Earth ASAP. You will enter the atmosphere and land... somewhere. I don’t care where. I’m granting shore leave for your entire crew. Yes, even Genocide. The Celestial will stay grounded for a few days. The Citadel and Saratoga will stay in orbit guarding the planet until the Celestial is done its overhaul. Now get to it, man.
Senseless stands still thinking of the implications of these orders.
Spot – Hurry up, Commander, I only have nine lives!!!
Spot slams her paw down on the comm-off button and something behind Senseless falls off the ceiling. Senseless goes onto the Bridge.
Senseless – Mr. Baque, set a course for Sector 001. I must inform you that you will all be getting a few days of shore leave on Earth.
Righteous – Now, wait just a minute. How come you get to take shore leave on your home world? How come we never go to Bajor?
Senseless – We were at Bajor two weeks ago!
Righteous – That was in battle. I didn’t get to pray in a shrine. And one more thing. How come Earth is designated Sector 001? Why does it get to be the most important planet in the known universe?
Senseless – Say, isn’t Terry the Tribble on?
Righteous – It’s a rerun. The Prophets told me so.
Baque flips a viewer on his console to the local comm. traffic and sees a commercial for an “all new Terry the Tribble and Friends, Thanksgiving day special, part 1 of 4.”
Senseless – Warp 7, engage.
Scene 6 – Celestial drops out of warp and approaches Earth.
Senseless – Mr. Baque, enter the atmosphere.
The Celestial drops onto Earth over Los Angeles and merges into sky traffic.
Baque – Sure is a lot of traffic today. What time is it here?
Center – 1700 hours.
Baque – Oh, perfect. Rush hour.
Center – On a Sunday?
Baque – Even worse, old folks out for a Sunday drive.
Senseless – Lieutenant, I expect you to follow the rules of the sky. Is that clear?
Baque pilots the ship impatiently, tapping his fingers on the helm console and getting very frustrated.
Baque – After maneuvering at ¼ the speed of light, 200 km/h isn’t very fast anymore. Ah, and some asshole is tailgating us!
Center – Oh, God forbid someone tailgating us. (he says as he rolls his eyes)
Outside, the Celestial’s primary hull is up and over about 13 sky cars and the nearest one is halfway inside the deflector dish.
Baque – Ahh, come on!
Center – We’re entering San Francisco.
Senseless – Start looking for a place to land.
Genocide – Where are we going to find a landing site for a 700-meter starship that weighs an excess of a hundred thousand tonnes?
Baque – Just shove Voyager out of the way. They don’t deserve their own landing spot. What great thing did they ever do?
Center – I think I can park us on top of the Golden Gate Bridge.
Righteous – The Prophets agree. Begin landing sequence.
Senseless – Blue alert.
He takes one look at an annoyed Baque and changes his mind.
Senseless – Make that Red Alert.
Four of the Celestial’s eight landing gear struts touch down on the top of the Bridges two towers.
Center – So far so good. Deactivating anti-grav thrusters.
Snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, etc.
One by one the bridge’s cables break and the whole mound of steal, concrete, and tritanium fall into the bay.
Baque – Great going, asshole.
Center – Um... look on the bright side! We’re getting a few washing! ....Incoming transmission.
Righteous – On screen.
Admiral Spot – What the hell have you done now?
Righteous – When you said we could land anywhere, we assumed—
Spot – Ah, yes, I’ll have to omit that detail from my report.
Senseless – Well, this isn’t the first famous landmark we’ve destroyed and I somehow doubt it’ll be the last. No point crying over spilled milk.
At hearing the word milk, Spot starts to twitch and flinch.
Spot – Must, not, revert, to, cat, instincts.
Spot finally succumbs to the pressure and runs off to find a replicator.
Spot – Meow damn it!
Senseless – Well, I suggest we all start preparing for shore leave. Shut down all systems.
Scene 7 - Outside the ship two humpback whales float looking at the big heap of scrap metal, and the remains of the bridge too.
Whale #1: hum sing (Why did we agree to help these idiots again?)
Whale #2 - (I don’t know, but you have to admit it is pretty funny.)
Scene 8 - Mess hall. Genocide is drinking a protein shake as Tener rambles on about security problems and ways to fix them. Baque and Greaser walk in carrying Starfleet Standard Issue backpacks.
Baque - Hey did you two have any plans?
Genocide - Well, there was this weapons show I was going to go to, but now I found out they keep the safeties on them at all times.
Tener - I was just going to stay here and watch the fish through the windows.
Greaser - Do you want to come with us to the Voyager Museum?
Baque - It’ll be lots of funnn!
Genocide - Voyager, eh? Count me in.
Tener - Sure. I’ll go to!
Scene 9 - Voyager’s ready rom. Admiral Janeway is talking through her nose to some useless-looking civilian guy.
Janeway - Yes, it was four years ago that the Hirogen took over Voyager, and to this day I have never told anyone that I still have the hunting party leader’s head on a pole in my quarters.
As Janeway goes on and on about her glorious battles with the Hirogen, the civilian guy looks over her shoulder and sees Genocide and Tener going down the side of the hull with mountain climbing gear.
No-Name #6 - Hey what are they going?
Without even looking, Janeway says:
Janeway - Painting Voyager’s hull, I hope. Computer, coffee, black.
Scene 10 - Genocide and Tener step down onto Voyager’s port dorsal phaser strip.
Genocide - Alright, I’ll go after the armor emitters, and you go after the transphasic torpedoes.
Tener - This is too easy.
Scene 11 - Voyager, deck 6. Baque and Greaser are testing out holodeck programs and downloading the ones they want to take back to the Celestial. They are in the middle of trying one of Naomi Wildman’s programs when the door opens, revealing Voyager’s EMH.
The Doctor - Excuse me, I believe it is my holodeck time you’re using now.
Baque - Sorry ‘bout that. We’re just visiting. I’m Toc Baque, helmsman of the USS Celestial.
Doctor - Oh great, a reincarnation of Tom Paris.
Greaser - Tell me about it.
Doctor - Well, I’m going to have to ask you to leave now. I’ve got one hour to play 18 holes.
Baque - We’re almost done.
Doctor - You’re done now.
Baque - Not yet! I’m almost done downloading!
Doctor - I’m switching the program, like it or not.
Baque - Get away from that console!
Ow! Hey! Let go!
A bunch of crap happens, resulting in Mickey Mouse dancing down the corridor wearing the Doctor’s mobile emitter.
Mickey - Oh boy! Haha!
Greaser - No good can come of this.
Doctor - You look what you’ve done! Go get my emitter back!
Baque - Computer, end program.
Doctor - Now wait just a proverbial minute–!
Baque - Let’s get out of here!
Scene 12 - Starfleet HQ. Senseless is talking with Righteous and Boothby in the Academy gardens. Seven of Nine walks up dragging Genocide and Tener behind her.
Seven - These two were attempting to violate the Temporal Prime Directive. I believe they belong to you.
Seven drops the two officers in a heap and then walks away to round up more trouble makers.
Senseless - What am I going to do with you two?
Righteous - We could sacrifice them to the Prophets.
Senseless - The thought has crossed my mind.
Genocide - Sir, I take full responsibility for all of this. Lieutenant Tener was acting under my orders.
Tener - You’re just saying that so you can claim all the fame when you prefect the technology you stole from Voyager!
Senseless - I just hope Baque and Greaser have enough common sense to not do anything stupid...
Scene 13 - Baque and Greaser are flying a shuttle, chasing Mickey Mouse in the Delta Flyer through downtown San Francisco.
Greaser - Watch out! Behind you! Over there! You’re too close! I can’t watch!
Baque turns around in his seat and faces her.
Baque - I pilot one of the fastest ships in the fleet. I can fly a damn shuttle!
Baque turns around in time to see the antimatter truck’s “If you can read this, you’re royally screwed!” sign.
Baque - F@#K!!!
Baque shoots the shuttle into a nose dive and narrowly misses the truck. However he doesn’t turn quite the right way and smashes Pathfinder Headquarters and goes out the other side.
Admiral Paris - Reg, why do I get the felling that, somehow, you’re partly responsible for this mess?
Greaser - Found him! Veer left at the next intersection!
Baque - Inertial dampeners are offline. Get ready to pull a few G’s!
Baque flies the shuttle up, down, left, and right as Greaser is tossed around like a targ in the back of the cabin.
Baque - Where did he go? He was right there a second ago?
Greaser - Look out behind–!
The Flyer opens fire and phasers the shuttle.
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Baque - Engines are offline! We’re going doooooowwwwwnnnnnnnnnn!
The shuttle falls a whopping 10 metres and slams into the Federation Monument. Mickey lands the Flyer and gets out.
Mickey - Not your average Walt Disney masterpiece, am I? Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for my show at the House of Mouse.
Mickey skips off and Baque and Greaser climb out of the wrecked shuttle. Baque looks up at the smashed Monument.
Baque - Yep, Senseless was right.
Greaser - Now what?
Baque - Now we go back to the ship and pretend like nothing happened.
Scene 14 - Bridge of the Celestial. Genocide, Tener, and Center are present as Baque and Greaser walk in.
Tener - Oh hi. You’re just in time to watch the speeches by the presidential candidates.
The viewscreen activates showing an old Vulcan.
Vulcan #1 - As president, I would force all races to adopt the Vulcan philos–
Audience - BOOO!!!!
The Vulcan leaves as he is pelted with Risan beets. The next candidate gets up on stage.
Seven - I am 7 of 9, tertiary adjunct of Unimatrix 01. You will vote for me. Resistance is futile.
Seven leaves and the holographic Mickey Mouse gets up on stage.
Mickey - Vote for me, and I promise free cake and ice cream every day!
Audience - Yay!
Baque - Sh*t.
Greaser - No more pretending like nothing happened. Guys, we need some help.
Genocide - Name it. I’m bored.
Greaser - Follow me.
Greaser, Genocide, Tener, and Baque leave. A few seconds later Senseless comes out of the briefing room.
Senseless - I just got off the comm with Admiral Spot. Man, is Starfleet pissed about that bridge.
Boom, ship rocks.
Senseless - And that was...?
Center - There’s a hull breach on deck 4, section 8. Looks like Genocide’s quarters are flooded.
Senseless - Deck 4 section 8? Genocide doesn’t live on deck 4, section 8... I do!
Senseless bangs his head against the wall a few times, then looks around.
Senseless - Where is everyone?
Center - Bios went to Starfleet’s Institute for Advanced Computer Development, Stoner and Dr. Puker went to Luna, the Captain is off wandering alone in the wilderness, and Tener, Baque, Greaser, and Genocide are off assassinating one of the presidential candidates.
Senseless - Then where is the rest of the crew? Don’t you track their every move too?
Center - No, not really.
Senseless - Well you should, just to make them feel wan—THEY’RE GOING TO DO WHAT?!?!
Center - Um... I tried to stop them but they threatened to stun me. Getting shot hurts!
Scene 15 - Just outside of the arena where the candidates speak. The four assassin-wannabes are checking the settings on their phaser rifles.
Tener - There. This setting should disrupt his holomatrix without damaging the emitter.
Up on the stage...
Reporter #1 - And what do you promise to do if you get elected?
7 of 9 - Negotiation is irrelevant. You will vote for me.
Seven leaves and the Vulcan gets up on the stage.
Vulcan #1 - First, instead of teaching hand to hand combat at the Academy, everyone would learn the Vulcan neck pinch.
Greaser - Okay, Mickey is next. This is a hit and run. I’ve got the Celestial’s transporters locked onto us, and this phaser grenade here will disrupt the residual transporter signal. No one will know we were here.
The Vulcan leaves. Suddenly, a temporal portal opens on the stage and Binky the Mistreated Targ comes out.
Reporter #1 - And you, Mr. Targ, what do you promise?
Binky looks around at the hundreds of people gathered and looking at him.
Binky - Urg..... WHEE!!!
Audience Member #1 - That’s the best speech we’ve heard all day!
The crowd start cheering Binky’s name; for some reason someone knew it. Mickey gets up on stage and pushes Binky aside.
Genocide - This is it. Show time.
Baque - You’d think they would have better security at things like this.
As they raise their weapons, 47 hands holding phasers point at their heads. 19 shuttlecraft fly in and a forcefield engages around the stage.
Greaser - Um... (gulp)... energize.
Bzzzt! (Transporter sound)
Scene 16 - Senseless is yelling at the four misfits as Captain Farfetched and Righteous look on. Bios is standing in a corner, trying to look innocent even though she is guilty of blowing out the South American power grid. Everyone is ignoring the viewscreen, which is showing Binky and Mickey in hot debate.
Senseless - I’m always having trouble with you three, but not usually with you, Tener! I think your rank and effective immortality has gone to your head. You’re all senior officers. You are supposed to be setting an example for the rest of the crew!
Baque - They’re just going to die eventually anyway.
Senseless - That’s no excuse. Captain Farfetched, do you ever have problems like this?
Farfetched - Never. No jackasses on my ship!
Up above the Earth, the Saratoga and the Citadel are having a mock battle with real weapons.
Bridge of the Saratoga...
NoName #7 - Boy this is good fun! Quantum torpedoes, full spread!
Righteous - What I don’t understand is how you could even think of harming something the Prophets created.
Baque - The Prophets didn’t create Mickey Mouse, Walt Disney did!
Righteous - No, the Prophets did.
Baque - No they didn’t!
Righteous - Did too!
Baque - Didn’t!
Greaser - The power surge was caused by the deuterium injectors!
Center - No, it was the antimatter injectors!
Greaser - Deuterium!
Center - Antimatter!
Genocide - Beam phasers are better!
Tener - Pulse phasers are better!
Baque - Didn’t!
Greaser - Deuterium!
Righteous - Did!
Center - Antimatter!
Tener - Your mom!
Farfetched - Shut up!!!!!! I’ve had enough of this bickering!
The room goes silent except for the viewscreen.
Mickey - Ice cream!
Binky - Whee!
Mickey - Ice cream!
Binky - Whee!
Farfetched - AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!!
Farfetched runs into the turbolift as Puker and Stoner walk out of it.
Senseless - Well, at least you two didn’t break, kill, steal, or argue about anything.
Viewscreen Reporter - We’ll continue covering the debate in a few minutes. In other news, the Bubonic Plague has mysteriously broken out on the Lunar Colony...
Senseless - Son, of, a, bitch!
Scene 17 - Breen ship
Breen #1 - (Still nothing?)
Breen #2 - (No. I’ve been sitting at this console for hours. This can’t be good for my circulation.)
Breen #1 - (Idiot! We don’t have blood!)
Breen #2 - (Well, I’m getting sick of this. Let’s ditch the shuttle and go back to Breen space.)
Breen #1 - (Actually, I’ve got a better idea.)
Breen #2 - (As long as it doesn’t involve work, I’m all for it.)
Breen #1 - (Set a course for Earth, warp 4. Engage the perfectly-legal-not-stolen-from-a-Romulan-warbird-cloaking device.)
Breen #2 - (This plan stinks!)
Scene 18 - Next morning. Greaser stumbles into the mess hall and walks up to a replicator.
Greaser - How much does a large supercaff cost today?
Computer - More than you can afford, you stupid bitch.
Greaser whips out a phaser and blows the replicator to pieces.
Greaser - Wrong answer.
She goes and sits down at a table across from Baque and Bios.
Bios - What was that for?
Greaser - If you know what kind of morning I’ve had, you wouldn’t be asking that question.
Baque - What happened?
Greaser - First, the computer neglected to wake me up at 0600, then my sonic shower tried to kill me. I accidentally swallowed my commbadge, and to top it all off–
She shoots a menacing glare at Bios.
Greaser - —My toilet exploded!
Bios - You shouldn’t have eaten the Turbolax Surprise then.
Greaser - You’re lucky I used all the charge in this phaser on that replicator.
Baque - Would someone please tell me how Turbolax Surprise got to be one of the standard Starfleet meals?
Bios - It’s cheap and excellent for clearing out your intestines.
Senseless walks in and gets an ear full as Greaser, Bios, and Baque go on talking about diarrhea, turbolax, and exploding toilets.
Senseless - ...I don’t even want to know.
He goes off in some random direction.
Greaser - Lieutenant, I am ordering you to fix the toilets on deck 3 ASAP!
Senseless - What the hell happened to the replicator?!?
NoName #8 - Lieutenant-Commander Greaser did it, sir! Demote her! Demote her! Promote me! Promote–
Greaser throws her dead phaser at the NoName ninja style with such force that it goes through his chest and gets lodged in the wall behind him.
Senseless - Commander!!! Explain yourself!
Greaser - I’ve had a sh*tty week. First we crash into this stupid bay and I’m the one stuck fixing all the hull breaches. Then I have the misfortune of being in the wrong place at the wrong time and when I try to help fix the mess Baque made, I get yelled at. One thing after another, so I don’t have the patience to deal with smart-mouthed subordinates. So with all due respect sir, f*** off!!
Greaser stomps out of the room.
Senseless - I’ll have to make a mental note not to enter the mess hall before 0800.
Scene 19 - Genocide is standing in Holodeck 3 holding a phaser rifle, and covered from head to foot in phaser power packs.
Genocide - Computer, initiate program Genocide 4 Omega.
A poorly drawn pirate’s head appears in mid air.
Pirate - ARE YOU READY KIDS?
Genocide - Yes.
Pirate - I can’t heeeaaaarrrr yoooooouuuu!
Genocide - Yes, hurry up!
Pirate - I still can’t hear youuuuuuuu!!!!
Genocide - START THE DAMN PROGRAM, ASSWIPE!!
Pirate - OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... Who lives in a bomb shelter under the sea?!
Genocide - AHHHH!!!!
Immature, stupid, and boring is he!
Him writhing in agony is everyone’s wish!
Genocide - AHHHHH!!!!
SpongeBob - Uhhhhh!! Nooo!
When you behead him he flops like a fish!
Genocide - DIEEEEEE!!!!!!
Pzzzt! Pzzzt! BANG!!!
SpongeBob - No! Please! Patrick! HELP!!
Spongy-Bobbbb!!! Square Pannnnnttts!!!
Genocide leaves the holodeck covered in blood, seawater, and yellow foam.
Genocide - Yep, there’s nothing like a little R&R.
Senseless (intercom) - All senior staff report to the briefing room at once.
Scene 20 - The Briefing Room. All the senior staff except Righteous are present.
Senseless - Okay, where is he now!?!
Greaser - Forget him. Tell me why I’m here.
Senseless - Alright then, first let’s get out of this water.
Center - But Starfleet said we had to stay here as part of our punishment.
Tener - Part? You mean there’s more?
Senseless - We’ve been embarrassed long enough. For the past two years we’ve been the laughing stock of the Alpha Quadrant. Mr. Baque, when I dismiss you, I want you to launch the Celestial and take us into low Earth orbit.
Bios - What about Mickey Mouse?
Tener - Stop bringing that up!
Bios - I’d be glad to decompile his program. You know, upgrade him and everything.
Senseless - Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. Remember, he’s still just a hologram. Granted, he’s a hologram that can operate the Delta Flyer and understand the politics of the Federation, but a hologram nonetheless. He probably thinks he’s running for Prime Minister of the Magic Kingdom or something. I’m going to go have a chat with the people running the election. Is there anything else?
Greaser - Yeah! I want you to know that I feel Starfleet is being very racist when it comes to what species go on what ship. I’m going to file a protest on behalf of the Bolian government.
Senseless - ...grrr... Computer, list the number and members of each non-Human species currently serving onboard the Celestial.
Computer - There are currently 19 Betazoids, 12 Trills, 35 Vulcans, 30 Bolians, 3 Bynars, 6 Tellarites, 16 Bajorans, 9 Katarians, 4 Andorians, and one overworked and under-maintained computer core serving onboard the USS Celestial.
Senseless - Computer, verify that all ship’s systems are being routed through the auxiliary computer processor.
Computer - Affirmative, damn it.
Greaser - Yeah, well, Computer, how many humans are serving onboard the ship?
Computer - 596–
Greaser - HA!
Computer - —point 4.
Greaser - Wah...?
Senseless - Dismissed.
Everyone sits still thinking of that point four.
Senseless - Now, damn it! My quarters are flooded!
Scene 21 - Sickbay. Ensign Stoner and Doctor Puker are packing up for lunch after a morning of treating seasick no-names. Paramount decided to kill time by putting in this otherwise pointless scene.
Puker - Ensign, go replicate some new hypo-sprays.
Stoner - Logic dictates I should focus my attention elsewhere.
Puker - Shut up and do it.
Stoner - Logic dictates you should find another crewman to perform this duty.
Puker - Logic also dictates I shove my foot up your ass! Get to it! That’s an order!
Stoner complies but gives Puker a long and boring speech on the meaning of logic.
Scene 22 - Bridge. The Celestial is slowly making its way into orbit as Baque flies the ship around trying to dry it off. In the meantime the bridge crew are watching another live debate between Mickey and Binky, who are the only two candidates left after 7 of 9 was kicked out for trying to assimilate the Vulcan guy, who decided the Federation was too illogical.
Mickey -... Well, at least I’m not a smelly targ!
Binky - Whee!
Mickey - Hab Sosli Quch! (Your mother had a smooth forehead!)
Binky - WHEE!
Mickey - You did not just say that!
Binky - Whee! Whee!
Mickey - You’d better take that back right now!
Binky - WHEE!
Mickey - That’s it! I’m kicking your ass!
Mickey lunges at Binky who charges forward and the two start street fighting there on the stage.
Senseless - Oh, for Christ’s sake! Ensign, lock onto them and beam to transporter room 2. Isolate the mobile emitter and beam it to Voyager.
Center - I’ve got them. Mickey Mouse has been integrated into the Celestial’s holoemitters.
Senseless - Good, we’ll deal with him later.
Baque - We’re entering standard orbit.
Righteous - Very good. I’ll ask the Prophets what we should do next.
Senseless - That’s not too difficult. We should go over to the San Francisco Shipyards and get those hull breaches fixed. I think there’s enough latinum in the coffers to pay for it, so –
Center - Large Breen warship decloaking, dead ahead!
Senseless - What?!?!
Baque - Crap. Work time.
Genocide - Alright! Play time!
Bios - Since when do the Breen have cloaking technology?
Center - Since now, obviously.
Senseless - This might make our jobs a little more difficult. Open a channel.
Center - Channel open.
Senseless - This is the Federation starship Celestial. GET THE F*** AWAY FROM OUR HOMEWORLD!!!
Center - No response.
Senseless - Where’s the Saratoga and the Citadel?
Center - The Saratoga is heavily damaged and the Citadel has crashed into the Lunar colony.
Senseless - God damn it.
Bios - Look on the bright side, no more bubonic plaque.
Senseless - Captain, let’s fight. Their ship doesn’t look that tough, I think we can win. Captain?
Righteous is still praying... or he is dead; the crew can never tell the difference anymore.
Senseless - Captain!!!
Righteous - Who what when where why!?!
Senseless - Breen, big ship, now, here, I don’t know why!
Righteous - Hail them.
Baque - Been there, tried that. Bought the t-shirt.
Genocide - Ah oh. Brace for impact!
Senseless - Evasive maneuvers!
Mr. Baque’s attempt to avoid getting hit only results in the Breen torpedo hitting an even more critical part of the hull.
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Senseless - Hey, what the! Raise the damn shields!
Genocide - Ventral shield generator is gone.
Senseless - Target their reactor. Fire at will.
Genocide - Hey, you don’t have to tell me twice.
Center - Direct hit to their primary reactor. No effect.
Center - Hull breach on deck 14.
Senseless - Open a channel... Damn it, that was a brand new stardrive section, you twits!
Center - Sir, we should pull the battle away from Earth. Some of our stray torpedoes have already impacted the surface.
Senseless - Alright. Mr. Baque, set a course to the densest part of the asteroid belt.
Scene 23 - Transporter room 2. Tener and a NoName-dime-a-dozen yellow shirt are trying to restrain Binky and Mickey.
Tener - Alright, that’s enough!!!
Binky - Whee!
Mickey - Yeah, what he said, so f*** off!
NoName #8 - Sir, I don’t think standing next to the transporter is a good idea. For some reason they’re the first things to go during a battle.
Tener - Nonsense. That’s just an urban legend. Everyone know’s it’s not tr—
The entire transporter pad explodes. The holoemitters in the room shatter and Mickey fizzles out of existence. Binky is swallowed by a temporal portal, NoName #8 is incinerated, and Tener is thrown across the room and knocked out.
Scene 24 - Sickbay. Puker and Stoner are up to their knees in casualties when a large group of crewmen come in dragging an unconscious Tener.
Puker - More? Sh*t. Computer, activate the EMH.
Bugs Bunny - Ehhhh... What’s up doc?
Puker - BBBBBBIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOSSSSSS!!!!!!
Scene 25 - Bridge.
Senseless - Put us behind that asteroid over there.
Baque - Whatever...
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Senseless - Tactical report.
Genocide - Aft torpedo launchers offline, ventral phaser strip offline, shields are at 39%, and the Breen are barely scratched.
Senseless - Do I even want to hear a damage report?
Center - No sir, so I’ll give you one anyway. Deck 6 is decompressed, hull breaches on all decks, warp drive is offline, sensors are malfunctioning, life support is fluctuating, and –
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Center - And a torpedo just destroyed all of deck 4, section 8.
Senseless - Figures. Genocide, I never thought I’d hear myself saying this, but if you have any technology from Voyager that could give us the edge...
Genocide - Of course, the one time I follow orders and destroy what I find–
The briefing room is destroyed and only a cheap force field prevents everything on the bridge from being sucked out through the broken briefing room doors.
Greaser enters the bridge from the turbolift.
Greaser - I’m not fixing that.
Genocide - Why are you here?
Greaser - Engineering’s a vacuum.
SMASH! Something breaks and the engineering console catches fire. Greaser turns right around and heads for the turbolift, but, of course, that won’t work either. She heads over to a vacant station at the back of the Bridge.
Senseless - Where are they?
Center - They’re hugging the asteroid’s surface, coming around for an attack run.
Senseless - ...we’ve got them... Eject the warp core down into the asteroid.
Greaser - But sir that’s a brand new warp core–
Senseless - That’s an order!!!
Greaser ejects the core. It smashes into the small asteroid, destroying it. Debris strikes both the Celestial and the Breen ship. Both ships are thrown near each other and for dramatic effect the come to face each other.
Senseless gets up off the blood stained carpet.
Senseless - Report.
Center - Both ships are heavily damaged.
Baque - No sh*t!
Bios - Their – and our – shield grids have been destroyed. Phaser batteries are gone on both of us. Massive hull damage to both ships. Neither of us will survive another hit.
Center - Sir, they’re loading a torpedo.
Genocide - I’ve got enough power for one quantum torpedo.
Greaser - We’re at a draw and they know it.
Center - They’re hailing.
Senseless - On screen.
Beep! The viewscreen changes to show a broken Breen bridge.
Senseless - I believe it would be in both of our interests to call a cease-fire.
The Breen commander gives him the finger.
Senseless - Well, how ‘bout a trade! You don’t destroy us, and we give you safe passage back to Breen space.
The Breen commander adds his other middle finger to the ever growing party.
Senseless - Well then, today is a good day to–
All of a sudden, Righteous stops praying and points to a corner of the viewscreen.
Righteous - Look! A distraction!
All of the Breen on the bridge turn around and look to where Righteous was pointing.
Righteous - Go back to the Pah-Wraiths, you sinners!
Genocide presses a button and a quantum torpedo flies out of the Celestial straight at the Breen ship.
Breen Commander - aeswahaowebagnw (Translation: F*CK!!!)
SMASH!! Debris and atmosphere fly everywhere as explosions ripple across the battleship’s hull and in seconds the Galaxy-class-sized warship is reduced to a pile of smoldering rubble.
Righteous - YEAH! Score one for the enlightened!
The rest of the bridge crew start at him with expressions of disbelief.
Baque - Righteous saved the day???
Senseless - God, I hate this ship.
Scene 25 - On Earth. Admiral Spot is walking along a road with the Vulcan guy.
Spot - (Congratulations on winning the election, even if it was by default.)
Vulcan - It was logical. You have my gratitude for inviting me for tea.
Chink! Spot steps on something metal.
Spot - (What’s this?)
Vulcan - It appears to be part of the casing to a Type II quantum torpedo. It is badly burned.
Spot - (Looks like there was some writing on it)
Vulcan - Can you make out to letters?
Spot - (Some of them. This here definitely says USS.)
Vulcan - Obviously a Federation torpedo. It probably came from a recent battle.
Spot - (Most likely. There were two in the past two days. What are the other letters on the casing?)
Vulcan - C-E-L-E-S-T. Perhaps it was the USS Celestial.
Spot - (Figures. Those idiots couldn’t hit the broad side of a Borg cube. They wasted half their complement fighting a Breen ship a few hours ago.)
Vulcan - Well then that explains this 10-kilometer-wide crater in front of us.
Spot - (What?!)
Spot climbs onto the Vulcan’s shoulder to get a better view. Sure enough, there is a huge crater where her house used to be.
Spot - Damn it! God damn it!