Episode 5: “A Half-Assed Attempt at Rebellion”
Written by Swordtail
Scene 1 - Righteous walks onto the Bridge. All the senior staff are present.
Righteous - Hey everyone! I’m thinking of running for Kai. What do you all think?
Greaser - Go for it, sir!
Center - I’d vote for you in a heartbeat!
Baque - We’ll miss you, sir!
Genocide - The other Vedeks don’t stand a chance!
Righteous - (sniff) Thanks, guys! I knew I could count on you! I’d better go get the application form and fill it out!
Righteous leaves and the crew (except for Center) start cheering.
Senseless - Computer, activate program R-I-L one.
The lights start quickly flickering (nothing new), the red, yellow, and blue alert lights activate and flash, holographic balloons appear and the computer’s speakers start playing 90’s music really loud.
Scene 2 - Meanwhile, on a Federation planet that has no name because it has never been seen before (hey, there are over 150 now! Give Paramount a break!), in a dark alley, a bunch of sinister looking aliens stand around with nothing to do. All of a sudden another man flies out of darkness and lands with a thud in the middle of the alley. This man, as we now see, is Raimus, the crazy guy that ordered around Billby, who was under the mistaken impression that O’Brien wasn’t a Starfleet officer. Scratch marks cover his face and arms.
Raimus - Ow!! Gah!
Two green glowing eyes appear in the darkness.
Voice from Eyes - You have disappointed me, Raimus, and I don’t like to be disappointed.
Raimus - Okay, so putting poison in your food probably wasn’t such a good idea, but hey, come on, you would have done the same!
Voice - And you would also kill me if I had.
Raimus - (gulp)
Voice - No longer will you disappoint me... no longer... Hach... hack... hac.. gahhhhh... gah... anyway, Time to die, Mr. Anderson...
With speed so fast the camera’s 30 fps can’t record it, Raimus’ throat is cut and he dies an agonizing death. The other men look at the place where the voice is coming from in terror.
Voice - Now, you will all serve ME! Raimus was weak, an inferior species and an inferior member of that species at that. I have abilities he never did. I will bring the Orion Syndicate to its proper place within the Federation... at the TOP!
The voice emerges from the shadows, revealing a fluffy cat.
Cat - My name is Chester, but you may refer to me as GOD!!!
(Insert dramatic lightning here)
Chester - [ hack... hac.... hack.... gahhh. (coughs up a hairball)] Figures...
Opening credits, using the theme song and crappy fly-bys that are starting to get really old really fast.
Scene 3 - Bridge. The crew (joined by some poorly dancing No-Names) are still celebrating. Righteous walks in.
Righteous - Computer, mute volume. Hey everyone. I’ve got great news! My application was accepted! I’ll be heading for Bajor very soon!
The crew all smile.
Righteous - And even better, I managed to get all of you transferred!
The crew’s jaws drop.
Righteous - To Deep Space Nine!
The balloons turn to lead and fall to the floor, except one, which goes through the floor and kills a No-Name in the Jefferies tube below.
Righteous - I’ll be able to visit all of you every day!
Baque - (sarcastically) This day just keeps getting better and better.
Righteous - And now we get a counselor. We never had a counsellor before, and DS9 has a few.
Genocide - What the hell do we need a counsellor for?
Senseless looks around. Baque is sitting with his feet up on the console chewing gum. Center is fixing some lunch for the Captain and bugging him again about a promotion. Greaser is bitching at a No-Name engineer for losing a PADD. Bios is taking apart the viewscreen, and Stoner is performing a mind meld on Dr. Puker, who is performing open heart surgery on Tener who has a broken hockey stick lodged in his left arm.
Puker - Of course it’s necessary. A hurting left arm is the first sign of a heart attack.
Senseless - Ask a stupid question...
Righteous - Fly boy, set course for Bajor, ludicrous speed!
Baque - Oh, go f*** yourself.
Scene 4 - The Celestial has somehow gone plaid and is one hour from the Bajoran system. Stoner, Greaser, Baque, and Bios are all standing in a broom closet on deck 5.
Greaser - First order of business, why are we holding this meeting in a broom closet?
Bios - Because I accidentally destroyed life support in the mess hall.
Greaser - Ah, yes. Second order of business, Toc, read us the minutes from the last meeting.
Baque - Idiot! This is our first meeting! Hey, do you guys want to see the new theme song Genocide and I came up with this morning?
Greaser - If I say no, you’ll probably show it anyway.
Baque pulls out a laptop computer and opens a movie file. The tune to “Pinky and the Brain” starts playing.
Senseless - Gee guys, how are you going to screw things up today?
Baque - The same way we do every day, sir... just doing our jobs?
They’re Baque and Genocide,
They’re Baque and Genocide
One’s a weapons maniac, the ship the other flies.
They’re Starfleet officers,
They disobey orders,
They’re Baque, Baque and Genocide
cide cide cide cide cide cide cide cideeeeeeeee...
Before each shift is done,
Their idiocy will be unfurled
By the dimming of the lights,
They’ll be court martialled.
They’re Baque and Genocide
Yes Baque and Genocide
Their reasons for disdain
Are easy to explain
Proving they are twits,
They’ll break the bloody ship
They’re Baque, they’re Baque and Genocide
cide cide cide cide cide cide cide cide–
Baque - F***!!
Diddily da da, da dum!
Bios - Yeah so anyway...
Greaser - Deep Space 9 is a pile of sh*t! Every chief engineer’s worst nightmare.
Bios - Well, there must be some good things about it.
Greaser - Sorry Bios, there’s nothing for you to break there. Everything’s already broken. And for a station that houses thousands of inhabitants, they only have an engineering crew of like ten. It sucks!
Stoner - So what do you propose we do?
Greaser - I say we sabotage the warp drive so we never get there.
Baque - That means that we have to deal with Righteous longer.
Greaser - He’s going to turn DS9 into hymn-sing central if he becomes Kai.
Bios - What are the chances of that happening?
Stoner - There’s an 83.4235% chance he’ll be elected.
Baque - Bajorans are really stupid. He’ll make Kai.
Then the closet door opens and a no-name walks in.
Greaser - GET HIM! HE KNOWS OUR SECRET PLANS!
Baque shoots the no-name with a shovel, which oddly was loaded with 12-gauge buckshot rounds.
Bios - That was close. Let’s get this over with before someone else walks in.
Then half the ship walks by as the shift changes.
Greaser - God damn it.
Scene 5 - 10 minutes later in engineering.
Greaser - Computer, eject and destroy the warp core, authorization Greaser sigma 4 theta.
Computer - Unable to comply.
Greaser - And just why not?
Computer - A subroutine is in place that prevents the sabotage of warp drive by any and all crew members that are not in agreement with orders from Captain Righteous.
Greaser - Who programmed this subroutine?
Computer - Lieutenant-Commander Greaser.
Greaser - When?!?
Computer - Right after you got promoted, you twit!
Greaser - Well, I’m going to remove it. Hey! You there! No-Name! I’ll be in computer control junction 14 if you break something and need me to fix it.
Computer - Try it and I’ll whoop yo ass like there’s no tomorrow.
Greaser - I taught you well.
Two hours and 4 fried gel packs later, Greaser finally removes the computer subroutine, but forgets why she did it and instead goes to the Bridge to nag Baque about his improper use of the engines.
Scene 6 - DS9, Ops.
Kira - When’s the Defiant due back through the wormhole?
No-Name #1 - How the hell should I know?
Kira - You are the space traffic controller, aren’t you?
No-Name #1 - F*** no, Worf is!
Kira - WORF ISN’T EVEN ON THE STATION ANYMORE!!!
No-Name #1 - Oh... Ah oh!
Meanwhile, a Bajoran transport is being wedged between a runabout and the habitat ring, shattering windows as it scrapes along the hull.
Kira - By the way, where’s Dax? Shouldn’t she be on duty now?
No-Name #1 - Yeah, she’s over there.
Ezri stumbles out of Kira’s office clutching her stomach.
Dax - (urg) This station spins way to fast. Sorry about the mess in your office, Colonel.
Kira - Nah, this idiot here will clean it up, won’t you?
No-Name #1 - I have a choice in the matter?
Kira - No.
No-Name #1 - Then I must respectfully resign.
With that he puts a phaser to his head and kills himself.
Kira - Oh well. So, how’s the repairs going?
Dax - Repairs?
Kira - You know, repairing all the stuff that breaks around here everyday.
Dax - I didn’t know anything was being repaired. I thought we were just leaving it lay around the place for that new chief engineer that’s showing up today.
Then the turbolift, which had gotten jammed half way to its proper position in the floor plummets down the station and explodes 50 decks below.
Dax - How long till the Celestial arrives again? I don’t think life support is working and we only have a few hours of air left... and...
Kira - And what?
Dax runs from the room, her hand covering her mouth.
Scene 7 - Bridge of the Celestial. The crew are complaining about being transferred as Righteous walks in.
Righteous - Hey everyone!
He walks forward and is narrowly missed by a knife that Genocide threw.
Righteous - Okay, I’ve got good news and bad news.
Senseless - What’s the good news?
Righteous - Even if I don’t make Kai, we’ll still stay on DS9. Seems Admiral Spot was very happy to allow the transfer.
Center - Yay!
Genocide throws a knife at Center and it gets lodged in his throat.
Greaser - OH MY GOD!
Genocide - Don’t worry, he’s a main character. He can’t die. At least not until sweeps week.
Senseless - Yeah, whatever. How can that news be the good news? What’s the bad news? The radioactive mutant zombie no-names have taken over the entire galaxy and are killing everything that moves?
Righteous - Nope. Better. But still bad. Seems that DS9 is already fully staffed, so I’m afraid you’ll all have to be demoted and get less money and all the fun stuff.
Senseless, Genocide, Puker, Stoner, Greaser, Center, Baque, Tener, No-Name #2 - #631 - WHAT!?!?!?!?!
Genocide - I’ll never get a higher rank than my cousin, Homicide!
Greaser - I’ll be the same rank as half the idiot crew I’m forced to babysit all day!
Senseless - I worked damn hard to get my rank!
Center - I’ll end up dead!
Tener - I just got promoted!
Stoner - It is illogical!
Puker - I hate my life.
Baque - DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!
Righteous - I knew you’d understand. Well, if anyone wants me, I’ll be in my quarters.
Righteous leaves. The crew stand around stunned in disbelief.
Baque - What are we going to do?
Greaser - ...Excuse me...
She leaves through the turbolift.
Scene 8 - Engineering. A very mad Lieutenant-Commander-soon-to-be-Lieutenant Greaser walks in... carrying a phaser rifle.
Greaser - Time to take drastic measures to ensure we all stay alive.
She sets her phaser on full power and fires at the warp core. The familiar sound of a ship dropping out of warp fills the room.
Greaser - I am so smart!
BOOM! Ship rocks, sparks, the consoles start to one by one explode killing many crewmen and women.
Computer - Warning! Warp core breach imminent! Containment field failure in 5 minutes!
Greaser - ...I am so f***ing stupid...
Scene 9 - Bridge. Consoles are exploding and some beams have fallen from the ceiling. The carpet is on fire and Righteous has for once in his life stopped praying when he wasn’t done yet.
Senseless - How did this happen?
Center - I don’t know.
Senseless - Bridge to engineering, come in engineering.
Greaser - Engineering here. We’re looking at a core breach in less than 5 minutes.
Righteous - Eject the warp core!
Greaser - I already tried, sir. It won’t work. The main computer is offline!
Senseless - Then evacuate everyone into the saucer and prepare for starship separation!
Center - I can’t sir! Main power in the separation structure is offline! The ship will explode in 4 minutes now!
Senseless - GOD DAMN IT!!!
Righteous - All hands, this is the captain speaking. Abandon ship! I repeat, abandon ship!
The annoying emergency klaxons go off and the escape pod hatches open. Everyone gets in an escape pod with their buddy and ejects.
Senseless looks out the back of his pod in time to see the USS Celestial explode in a ball of fire, taking out about 50 pods filled with no-names with it.
Senseless - Awww, Admiral Spot is going to kill us!
Scene 10 - Greaser, Stoner, and Dr. Puker are in a shuttlecraft, tractoring escape pods into a formation that allows them to join together into one big pod-like thingy... No one knows why that ability was created, it just was.
Stoner - Sir, I’m picking up a ship dropping out of warp. It’s Federation, Sabre class.
Puker - Hail them.
The viewing monitor changes to show Admiral Spot sitting in a full sized chair.
Admiral Spot - As soon as I got wind of your little demotion problem, I grabbed the first ship out of the shipyard and rushed over here. I figured something like this was going to happen.
Puker - Um... Can you take us back to Earth, not to Deep Space Nine?
Spot - No, but you do get your own ship. Here’s the USS Halfass. It’s kinda old and was just refitted with real phasers.
Greaser - Kinda old? I thought you said it was the first ship out of the yard?
Spot - Err... long story. Anyway, We’ll start beaming over your crew. It’ll take a few hours seeing as the transporters can only transport two people every ten minutes.
Greaser - Everything you do in life comes back and bites you in the ass...
Scene 11 - All 600 survivors are crammed into the Sabre-class vessel. While the no-names explore and get to know the new ship, the senior staff are in the briefing room getting cursed out by Admiral Spot.
Spot - GOD DAMN IT, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW EXPENSIVE THE CELESTIAL WAS?!?!? DO YOU?!?! IT WAS THE FIRST ANTI-BREEN WARSHIP AND YOU IDIOTS MANAGED TO DESTROY IT DUE TO A CONTAINMENT BREACH!!??!!
Righteous - It was the will of the Prophets.
Spot - WELL IT’S THE WILL OF MY REAR PAW TO BE SHOVED SO FAR UP YOUR ASS THAT YOU’LL BE ABLE TO SHINE MY KITTY BOOTS BY LICKING THE ROOF OF YOUR MOUTH!!!
Senseless - Ma’am, it’s not as bad as it appears. After all, we’re being transferred to DS9 anyway.
Spot - IDIOTS!!!! THAT’S JUST A RUSE!!!
Genocide - What do you mean?
Spot - MORONS! WHY DO YOU THINK STARFLEET WOULD TAKE ONE OF ITS MOST ADVANCED SHIPS OFF THE FRONT LINES TO PROTECT A PILE OF CARDASSIAN SHIT THAT’S GOING TO BE REPLACED WITH A REAL STARBASE SOON ANYWAY!!!!!!???!! HUH!?!
Righteous - I’m running for Kai. Command said we could be transferred if I got elected.
Spot - STUPID BAJORAN!!! NO!!!!!!! YOUR APPARENT TRANSFER IS PART OF A TOP-SECRET PLAN TO BRING DOWN THE ORION SYNDICATE!!!
Greaser - The who?
Spot - THE CELESTIAL WAS OUR ONLY CHANCE TO BRING DOWN THE ORDER BEFORE THEY MANAGE TO GET ENOUGH SUPPORT TO FORM AN ANTITHESIS WITHIN THE FEDERATION!!!! SON OF A BITCH!!!
With that Spot lays down and tries to catch her breath. Captain Spot Jr. walks in and continues the conversation.
Spot Jr. About a day or two ago, Starfleet Intelligence got wind of a change in government within the Orion Syndicate. Apparently the new leader, a guy named Chester, is planning to bring down the Federation’s government.
Baque - How could they possibly be able to do something like that?
Spot Jr. - Apparently Chester’s already gotten support from the Nausicaans, Terra Prime, the remnant Maquis factions, and a large group of other organizations within the Federation and outside it. There’s even rumours they’ve been conspiring with the Breen Confederacy.
Bios - And how do we fit into this?
Spot - WELL YOU DON’T ANYMORE!!!
Spot Jr. - Calm down, mom. Anyway, you guys were going to go to DS9 under the pretense that you were all being transferred because of Righteous’ election. You were going to do some investigating of the traffic that came through Deep Space Nine and were going to eventually make an attack on the planet that Chester is on, whichever one that is.
Spot - Unfortunately we didn’t suspect that Righteous would have you all demoted.
Spot Jr. - Yeah as soon as that happened we figured the dirty kitty litter would hit the fan.
Senseless - Yeah, you could say that happened.
Greaser - My bad.
Stoner - It was highly illogical to fire a phaser at the warp core.
Greaser - Screw you!
Rigtheous - Well as long as we’re not going to do anything I’m just going to pray if you don’t mind.
Senseless - We do mind.
Genocide - Hey! It says on this console that this ship doesn’t even have photon torpedoes!
Baque - Maximum speed is warp 7?!?! What the hell!
Center - What? No chance for promotion!
Puker - Only three biobeds in sickbay? No EMH? No Doctor’s Office? Who the hell built ship!
Spot - GOD DAMN IT, GET TO THE BRIDGE NOW!!!
Everyone runs onto the bridge. Puker and Stoner and Greaser go into the turbolift.
Senseless - Helm, set a course for DS9. Maximum warp
Righteous - Don’t worry ma’am. We’ll get this mission done for you.
Spot - Oh great, I bet the Syndicate is trembling right now.
Baque - Ah, problem. The warp engines aren’t working.
Spot Jr. - That’s impossible. They were working earlier.
Greaser - Greaser to bridge, the warp core is offline.
Righteous - Lieutenant-Commander, did you let the Pah-Wraiths into the reaction chamber again?
Greaser - Nope, this time I’m pretty sure it’s a corporeal problem.
Senseless - Why is the core offline then?
Greaser - Don’t know. There’s no damage, we’re completely fueled up, and... wait a minute... a bunch of other things are offline too. Main power on decks 3 through 10 is offline, life support as well... gravity plating on all decks is down to 10%--
Baque - That explains this floating tricorder. Good. I thought I was drunk.
Greaser - –and a bunch of other stuff is broken too.
Spot - Yeah, well, you guys deserve a ship this crappy now that you’ve destroyed the other one we gave you.
Spot Jr. - Okay, this could take a while.
Greaser - Wait, wait! I think I’ve found the problem. There’s a blown-out light bulb on deck 4.
Senseless - What does that have to do with anything?
Greaser - Don’t know... hey... who wired all the systems in series instead of parallel!!!
No-Name #2 - Err... it saves power.
Genocide - Why don’t you just fill out the certificate of death and save us the trouble, okay?
No-Name #2 - Hey, can I die a heroic death?
Righteous - Sure, be creative.
Greaser - I’ve replaced the burnt out light bulb with a microwave oven bulb.
No-Name #3 - (in the background) No you didn’t! I did!
Greaser - Anyway, it might get a little crispy on deck 4 but oh well. Try the engines now.
Baque - Engaging at warp 7. Warp field is holding... sort of.
Righteous - “Sort of” is good enough for me. Anyway, let’s end the scene now.
Scene 12 - The USS Halfass has arrived at DS9 after 20 hours of repairs halfway through the Bajoran system. The ship docks at one of the docking ring airlocks and the crew file out of the ship.
Righteous - Ah yes, feels good to be in the Bajoran system.
Baque - About as good as it feels to be shot in the crotch with a Dominion disruptor...
Righteous - Now Lieutenant, I don’t say bad things about your planet.
Baque - (under his breath) ...That’s cause you’re too stupid to come up with anything.
Greaser - On the bright side, we get really big quarters.
Righteous - Mine are bigger...
Baque - ...So’s your ego...
Major Kira, Lieutenant Dax, and Quark round the corner and meet up with the crew as they unload their crappy ship.
Kira - Welcome to Deep Space Nine.
Dax - (sickly) It spins really fast...
Quark - So do my Dabo wheels, and you’ll never find a single one rigged.
Righteous - Well, if you don’t mind, I think we’ll have Lieutenant Tener take over being the chief of security since all you have is a no-name that keeps disappearing every twelve hours, coincidentally at the same time as massive amounts of stored Federation weapons.
Kira - Fair enough.
Righteous - And I guess we can have Genocide become the chief tactical officer since Worf is gone.
Kira - Good idea.
Righteous - We’ll make Dr. Puker chief medical officer since Bashir isn’t here to protest.
Kira - That’s ...wait a minute...
Righteous - Greaser can be the chief engineering officer.
Kira - Excellent.
Righteous - And everyone else can either keep their positions or just go on a paid vacation.
Kira - Um... okay...
Righteous - Woah, that was easy! I should make up the duty roster more often.
Baque - Hey, you don’t need a helmsman do you?
Dax - No, not really.
Baque - In that case, Mr. Quark, I’d like to examine those Dabo wheels if you would be so kind to let me.
Quark - I think you won’t find a better deal anywhere in the quadrant.
Tener - As new chief security officer, I am obliged to keep an eye on you Quark.
Quark - I think you’ll find I’m as legit as they come.
Tener - Really? Oh, that’s good. Makes my job of checking into your background a lot easier. Thanks!
Quark - My pleasure.
Senseless - For god sakes can we please get back on track here! This plot line is going nowhere really fast!
Bios - Maybe later. Come on guys! To the Promenade!
Bios, Baque, Quark, and Stoner go running down the corridor and eventually trip over the raised Cardassian floor areas.
Senseless - Idiots...
Scene 13 - On some currently unnamed planet in the middle of nowhere, Chester the cat sits upon a rotting pile of his enemies. Some stupid-looking henchmen come skulking into his lair.
Henchman #1 - My Lord, The crew of the Celestial has destroyed their ship, just as you predicted they would.
Chester - Excellent. Are they dead?
Henchman #1 - No, my Lord. They were all rescued by a Sabre-class vessle, a USS Halfass.
Chester - RESCUED!! BY WHOM!?!
Henchman #1 - By Admiral Spot, sire.
Chester flips out and kills Henchmen #’s 2, 3, 4, and 5 in three seconds flat.
Chester - God damn it! Oh well, this once again proves that felines are far superior to all other species.
Henchman #1 - Your orders, sire?
Chester - Bring me some food! I’ll have to think this once through....
(More dramatic music which is starting to get really stupid.)
Scene 14 - Quark’s Bar. Baque and Stoner are playing Dabo. Currently, Stoner has cleaned the place out and is now filthy rich while Baque has lost his entire months savings to her.
Stoner - Your spin, sir.
Baque - Put it all on triple over.
He grabs the wheel with both hands and spins it as hard as he can. It tears free of its casing and flies across the room, hitting Morn in the back of the head.
Quark - What’s going on here! Someone had better pay for all this!
Nog walks in and goes over to Morn to see if he’s alright. Baque points to him.
Baque - Nog did it. I begged him not to.
Stoner - Illogical. He just entered the room.
Then, for no reason whatsoever, Odo walks into the bar dragging Tener behind him.
Odo - If you’re going to be chief of security on the Promenade, you have to learn one thing: Quark is always guilty... of something.
Quark - Odo... what are you doing here?
Odo - I decided to take a vacation from the Great Link and visit my old friends here. And to see what trouble you’ve been getting yourself into.
Baque - In other words, you couldn’t pay the rent, could you?
Odo - ...no.
Quark - I’ve been as legit as them come. You know, I must thank you for showing me the error of my ways, Constable.
Odo - Hmmm... Well, Lieutenant, for starters, what do you see wrong with this Dabo incident?
Tener - It looks like Lieutenant Baque was being careless and deserves a small fine–
Odo - If you want to be chief of security you have to be willing to do a real investigation. Quark! How did this Dabo wheel dislodge itself? Are you in violation of article 4 subsection 15 again? The safety rules?
Quark - I’m innocent! Nog, tell him!
Nog - As a Starfleet officer it is my duty to be unbiased and fair in all respects of the law. Sorry, Uncle Quark, I can’t vouch for you.
Quark - Damn it where’s Rom when I need him?
No-Name Bartender #1 - On Ferenginar?
Quark slaps him on the back of the head.
Quark - I don’t pay you to be a smartass!
Before No-Name Bartender #1 can argue with the fact that Quark doesn’t pay him at all, the station shakes violently and everyone is thrown to the floor amidst breaking glasses.
Quark - I’M GOING TO SUE THE IDIOT THAT INSTALLED THE INERTIAL DAMPENERS ON THIS STATION!!!
Intercom - All hands, battle stations.
Scene 15 - Ops. Genocide is drunk with delight after seeing how many weapons DS9 had. He has currently cut to pieces a rogue Cardassian warship that was attacking. Baque, Stoner, Odo, Tener, and Nog enter from the turbolift. Admiral Spot, Admiral Nelix, and Commander Senseless enter using the transporter. Colonel Kira, Lieutenant Dax, Lieutenant-Commander Greaer, and Dr. Bashir are already present.
Kira - Looks like you missed the good stuff, sir and ma’am.
Spot - Somebody tell me why the hell we were under attack from a Cardassian warship? I know there are still rogue factions, but I thought all the warships had been located and seized by the Klingons?
Senseless - I might have an answer to that, ma’am. I’ve heard rumours that ever since the Klingons got their new chancellor, their record keeping hasn’t been the best.
Nelix - New chancellor? You mean Martok’s dead? And he was such a nice guy to throw insults at too. What a shame...
Senseless - He’s not dead. He’s assumed the role of vice-chancellor.
Bashir - Who’s the new guy in charge?
Senseless - Err... You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
Dax - I’m sick...
Kira - Shut up, Ezri.
Baque - We’ll believe you. We’ve seen enough strange things under the command of Captain Righteous to make us a little more open-minded.
Senseless - Okay, well it all started two weeks ago on Qo’noS...
Nog - Alright! A flash-back!
Kira - Shut up, Nog! I’m trying to watch the main viewer as it is somehow playing the flash back..
Two weeks ago, on Qo’noS, in the Klingon High Council chambre-like thingy, Martok and a bunch of other bone-faced idiots are standing around prodding each other with pain sticks.
Martok - ORDER!! KAHLESS DAMN IT! Now, we still need to reinforce our hold on the Chin’toka system so that the Breen don’t take advantage of it...
All of a sudden, a temporal portal opens and Binky the Mistreated Targ flies out at Mach 3 and hits Martok in the back of the head, knocking him out. The other Klingons look at Binky, who is now somehow wearing the chancellor’s robe and sitting in Martok’s big chair.
Klingon #1 - He has defeated our good leader! He truly is worthy of leading the Empire!
Martok starts to wake up.
Binky - erg... WHEE!!!
Martok - You heard him! Bring the full force of the Klingon Imperial Navy to bear on those Breen petaQs!
Tener - So that’s what happened to that targ... I haven’t seen him since the transporter exploded weeks ago.
Greaser - Wait a minute... isn’t that targ temporally unstable?
Senseless - Um... Maybe...
(Little do they know, Binky has been swallowed up by a temporal portal and the Empire has fallen into a civil war... again. Martok has regained his previous as Chancellor but many of the people think Binky was a better leader.)
Senseless - Oh well, not our problem today.
An Ensign runs in and whispers something into Admiral Spot and Nelix’s ear.
Spot - ARE YOU SURE?!
No-Name #4 - Yes ma’am. We lost 47 intelligence agents to get this information.
Spot - Then it’s settled. Colonel, prep the USS Halfass for departure immediately.
Kira - Immediately?
Spot - Yes. Immediately.
Kira - As in right now?
Spot - Yes, as in right now.
Kira - As long as it’s “right now.” It’s against my religion to do anything “immediately.”
Spot - Stupid Bajorans. Senseless, go grab the rest of your crew. Take a phaser when you go to get Righteous. He’ll probably not want to get torn away from his Vedek life.
Senseless - Right on it, ma’am.
They all leave through the turbolift.
In the turbolift...
Genocide - Hey, what’s the maximum load of this thing? Cause we’ve got 13 people in here.
As an answer to his question, the turbolift breaks free of the EPS conduits and falls 50 decks. Miraculously, no one is injured.
Kira - We have got to get O’Brien back.
Scene 16 - Docking ring. The crew all file into the Halfass. As Righteous get onboard, he notices Admiral Spot and Admiral Nelix following him.
Righteous - You’re coming too?
Spot - This is too important to leave to you bozos. If I had had my way, we’d be bringing the entire Ninth Fleet with us, but the Federation Council figured the Breen were more dangerous. They wouldn’t give us the funding we need to bring the entire fleet.
Righteous - Okey dokey.
The go to their respective stations. Spot goes over to Bios at her station at the back of the bridge.
Spot - Lieutenant, can I ask you a personal question?
Bios - Sure.
Spot - Everything I know about Bynars says that they are all connected to a central computer network on Bynaus and usually live in pairs. Something to do with a electronic thingymajig–
Bios - A synaptic processor. It links all Bynars to the central computer.
Spot - Yeah, so what’s up with you? Why don’t you have a partner? Are you connected to that central computer too?
Bios - Err... no. I don’t have a partner and am not connected to the central computer.
Spot - How come?
Bios - ...I don’t have a synaptic processor.
Spot - Why not?
Bios - It’s um... broken.
Spot - How did it break?
Bios - Um... I broke it.
Spot - Why weren’t you given another?
Bios - I was. I broke that one too.
Spot - Okay then...
Spot shakes her head and goes over Senseless.
Spot - You have the most misfit crew in the fleet. Your Captain may be a good diplomat, but he’s a religious fanatic. Your tactical officer may be one of the greatest tacticians in Starfleet, but he’s way too trigger happy. Your chief engineer is pretty good, but she’s a b**ch! Your science officer is really smart, but keeps breaking things. Your Doctor is pretty good, but his procedures are a little... unorthodox. Your helmsman can make complex manoeuvres at high speeds, but argues with every order and it’s a wonder you get anything out of him at all. Your nurse is the worst Vulcan since Vorik and I can’t find anything good about her, and your Operations officer is a total suck-up. I can’t find anything wrong with Tener, but I’m sure there’s something.
Senseless - And I’m the normal one.
Spot - Yeah. How the hell did you land this assignment anyway?
Senseless - Long and stupid story. It involves a lot of dying and much mental pain.
The ship drops out of warp.
Righteous - What happened? Did we blow out another light bulb?
Nelix - What the hell?
Senseless - Don’t ask, sir.
Baque - Idiots! We’re here! Look at the damn viewscreen!
Rightoeus - Alright. We’re here at the place which we’re at. Now, ma’am, where are we?
Nelix - Ladies, Gentlemen, and imbeciles of all ages, welcome to Orion.
Genocide - Why the hell are we here?
Spot - To put a stop to this insurrection before it gets out of control.
Genocide - Ahhh... several small ships off the port bow are charging weapons.
Baque - Why is everything always off the port side?
Senseless - Hail them.
Spot - Belay that! Destroy those ships, Genocide!
Genocide - Did I ever tell you that you’re my favorite Admiral, ma’am?
The Halfass takes about twenty minutes to destroy the ships, which don’t have any shields and are armed with lasers. The Halfass has taken heavy damage, though.
Senseless - Damage report!
Greaser - Well, we were fine till a light bulb on deck 6 blew. Then the shields went down and main power cut.
Center - Sensors have located an energy shield surrounding a large building on the southern continent.
Spot - That’s our target. Alright, assault teams will be lead by Senseless, Genocide, Tener, and myself.
Tener - Yay.
Genocide - When did you get here?
Spot - Team 1, led by Senseless, will include Center, Stoner, and a no-name. Team 2, led by Genocide, will have Puker, Baque, and a no-name. Team 3 will be led by Tener and include Puker, Greaser, and a no-name. Team 4 will be led by me and will include Nelix, Righeous, and two no-names since Righteous is so useless.
Righteous - Is that an insult?
Nelix - No, just a statement.
Righteous - Oh, okay.
Puker - How can I be in two groups at once?
Genocide - When did you get here?
Spot - Have I forgotten anyone?
Baque - Who’s going to be in charge of the ship while we’re gone?
Spot - That’s why I brought someone with me from DS9. Nog?
Nog comes out of the briefing room.
Nog - Ensign Nog, reporting for duty ma’am.
Spot - Ensign, you’re in charge of the ship till we get back. If we get back.
Tener - If?
Nelix - Alright, everyone move out!!!
Tener - If...?
Scene 17 - The four teams beam down to the planet and start shoving their phaser rifles in the natives’ faces.
Spot - Grrr... So much for the element of surprise. Okay, Commander and Lieutenant Commander, take your teams to the North side. Lieutenant, your team is with mine.
While Senseless and Genocide take their teams around the building, Spot and Tener take theirs to the front door.
Spot - Set phasers to maximum pain. Aim for the crotch.
Tener- ...Ow... don’t want to get on your bad side, ma’am.
Spot - No, you don’t. Don’t screw this mission up.
Scene 18 - In his lair, Chester is watching the battle unfold on his little Hello Kitty monitor. Everything it shows has a pink tint to it.
Chester - This is what I get for stealing everything from eBay.
Then, a bunch of phaser sounds come from the hallway outside the room. Chester motions to his henchmen to get the door.
Henchman #1 - Err... My Lord, there’s six Starfleet officers coming this way.
(Because you just knew the no-names wouldn’t last long.)
Chester - KILL THEM!
The assault teams crash into the room with phasers drawn and gun down the two henchmen before they can get out their weapons. They look over and see a very angry cat sitting in a chair.
Rightoeus - Hi! You must be Chester! I’m Righteous Lee, this is James Tener, this is Von Puker, this is Greaser and this is–
Nelix - Captain?
Righteous - Yeah?
Nelix - He doesn’t care.
Chester - True. I don’t usually take the time to interview the people who I’m going to kill.
The sounds of running soldiers echo down the hall.
Tener - More nameless henchmen are coming!
Spot - Take your people and fend them off, Righteous. We’ll handle this guy.
Righteous, Tener, Greaser, and Puker leave. Spot and Nelix approach Chester, who comes down off his chair to meet them.
Chester - So, the infamous Fleet Admiral Spot, head of Starfleet Command. We meet at last.
Nelix - He he he... you had to live with O’Brien’s family for a while. Sucks to be YOU! Ah HA HA HA HA HA!
Chester - You lived with Reginald Barclay for years.
Nelix - ...Fine, you win!
Spot - Wait! Barclay managed to find a way to communicate with Voyager. What did Bilby ever do? Nothing! He got caught! By O’Brien!! AH HA HA!
Chester - It appears that this battle will not be won with our knowledge of each other’s past, but with our skill with the claws.
Spot and Chester leap at each other and start clawing, biting, and otherwise beating the fur out of each other. The Star Wars lightsaber battle music starts playing for no reason.
Nelix - Tag me! Tag me!
Spot touches Nelix’s paw and Nelix jumps up for his turn at fighting Chester.
Scene 19 - The Halfass crew (I meant that in more ways that one) meet up. Naturally, the no-names are dead.
Senseless - What happened to your no-names?
Righteous - Friendly fire. What about yours?
Senseless - Don’t know. Where are the Admirals?
Righteous - Fighting Chester.
Senseless - Think we should go give them a hand?
Righteous - No, the thought never crossed my mind.
Senseless - Gah... Senseless to Halfass.
Nog - Halfass here, sir.
Senseless - Nine to beam up. Straight to the bridge.
Nog - Err... I can only take two of you at a time.
Senseless - Fine, we’ll wait.
Scene 20 - At the cat fight. Chester seems to be winning and Nelix and Spot are starting to tire out.
Chester - Spot, I have something to tell you...
Spot - What’s (huff) that? (huff).
Chester - Spot... I am your father...
Spot - Really?
Chester - No, I guess I can’t really back that one up. GAH!
He lunges at the two Admirals and takes a paw to the face as Nelix kicks him. Nelix starts kicking his ass around the room with such frequency that Chester can’t right himself and attack. Even though Nelix is doing little damage, he still seems to be enjoying himself.
Nelix - I’m pretending he’s Shields.
Spot - Ah.
Then, Chester coughs up a Type I phaser and aims it at Spot.
Chester - Get ready to go to that big litterbox in the sky, Spot!
Just as he is about to fire, the room shakes and the ceiling breaks open. A large chunk of it falls on Chester. Spot and Nelix look up and see the USS Halfass hovering above them. Next thing they know, they are transported up.
Scene 21 - Sickbay. Righteous, Senseless, Greaser, Genocide, and Puker are present as Stoner is fixing up Nelix and Spo–
Nelix - FIXING!!!??!?!
Ok, let me reword that. Righteous, Senseless, Greaser, Genocide, and Puker are present as Stoner is attending to the wounds that Nelix and Spot sustained in their recent fight.
Nelix - Better... whew.
Senseless - So I’m guessing that the rebellion is crushed?
Spot - Yeah. Quite literally. I must commend you for your timely arrival. One more second and I would have been on a plate in a Chinese restaurant right about now.
Righteous - So I guess this means we can have a better ship now?
Nelix - Like hell. This way, you can’t hurt anyone but yourselves. Even if we wanted to give you one, there aren’t any available.
Spot - What about that one at–
Nelix - Shuuut upppp!
Puker - Well, as I always say when I’m given the chance, all’s well that ends well. Sure, the USS Celestial, pride of the fleet, was destroyed due to a containment field failure, and sure, Chester is probably alive and I doubt we’ve seen the last of him, but look on the bright side!
Senseless - What bright side?
Puker - Nothing else bad could happen to us, right?
Righteous - Well, I have a feeling I’ll need to be praying to the Prophets a lot more than usual nowadays. Anyway, where to next?
Spot - Go back to DS9 to drop off Nog, Nelix, and myself. The USS Litterbox will be around shortly to pick us up there.
Senseless - Okay. Senseless to Baque.
Baque - What!
Senseless - New course for you, lieutenant.
Baque - Look, Butch, I’m kinda busy right now. Our engines are damaged, our navigational deflector is half shot, and I still have to get out of this atmosphere, against the tug of gravity ya know. It’s extremely complex and I don’t appreciate people bugging me with more stupid requests for course adjustments. It’s bad enough you left Center up here with me. He keeps asking dumb questions like “are we there yet?” and “guess what I’m going to do when I get promoted.”
Righteous - Aww. I wanted to be Kai.
Senseless - Lieutenant, how long till we clear the planet’s gravity well?
Baque - We’re almost there. Man, I’ll be glad when this is over. It’s been a long and stressful journey dodging birds that could puncture this stupid worthless hull and air currents that blow us around like a kite. Thankfully, we just cleared the Mesosphere.
All of a sudden, a “poof!” is heard above their heads as a sickbay light blows out. A split second later, everything else goes offline, including the anti-gravity thrusters.
Baque - DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!!!