Episode 10: “Death, Pain, and Lost Data”
Written by Swordtail
Published October 10, 2005
Scene 1 - Mess hall. Righteous, Bios, Senseless, Greaser, and Center are present. Righteous is talking into his Fruit Loops.
Righteous - Caption’s Log, stardate 435246.2. Our little trip into Hell resulted in massive damage so we’ve been in drydock for about three weeks now getting repaired. I’m not totally sure what’s going on, but Bios and her team of IT people have been running around saying it’s the end of the galaxy as we know it. Something about a computer upgrade...
Bios - Macrosoft made a deal with Starfleet to provide cheap software so long as we use it.
Righteous - Well, that was awfully nice of them.
Bios - Err... one of the requirements was that we stop using the LCARS operating system and switch to Macrosoft, formerly known as Microsoft until up to a decade ago.
Senseless - Starfleet has been using LCARS for almost a century. Whatever command has switched to must be a hell of a lot better.
Bios - Trust me when I say there’s nothing good about this. Sometime today we’re getting the disks that contain an operating system called Windows Starfleet Edition. It’s going to replace the current CelestOS system I had installed when we launched over two years ago.
Center - No offence, but CelestOS never quite worked well for us.
Righteous - Oh yeah. Computer, end log.
Bios - Well, what do you expect from an operating system that was churned out faster than the ship was?
Greaser - All I can say is we better not have any malfunctions with this new system, ‘cause I’m not in the mood to fix more broken junk.
Meanwhile, as she is saying this, two No-Names are in the Main Computer room screwing with the core processor. One accidentally stabs his hypospanner through a gel pack, which causes a feedback loop into a nearby console, destroying both. The two no-names just look at each other.
No-Name #1 - Wanna have the honour?
No-Name #2 - Sure.
No-Name #2 shoots No-Name #1, then himself.
Opening credits have been revamped and now use the “Session” song from The Matrix: Reloaded by Linkin Park. Get used to it.
Scene 2 - Scene is at the airlock on deck 15. Senseless, Greaser, and Bios are waiting as a bunch of no-names push in computer equipment on anti-grav sleds. Next comes a short, geeky-looking guy with big glasses.
Guy - Hi, I’m Dr. Doores. Will Doores. I was the chief programmer for Windows SFE.
Greaser - Yeah, that’s all good and fun and I’m sure you’ve got tonnes of interesting stories to tell us over a hot cup of sulphuric acid, but we’re on a schedule here and we need this stupid computer upgrade done immediately, so this way to engineering. DOUBLE TIME, DOCTOR!
Greaser grabs Dr. Doores by the collar and starts running down the corridor.
Senseless - It is for these reasons that Vaughn says I have extremely high blood pressure...
Scene 3 - Main engineering. Greaser is standing there tapping her foot, wearing out the carpet as Dr. Doores and Lieutenant Bios work at the computer interface terminal. Senseless is in the back tapping some panels.
Dr. Doores - Okay, I need to shut down all systems and reboot the computer. Just like they did in that weird Iconian episode in TNG.
Greaser - What?!? I’m running some diagnostics on the main sensor array and they’re not done yet! If we shut down, they’ll be slowed!
Bios - Actually, you’ll have to start again. The current diagnostic programs aren’t compatible with Windows.
Greaser - What?!? You mean I have to redo every diagnostic I’ve done over the past three weeks?!?!?!?!?
Doores - But don’t worry, Windows SFE is over five times faster and more reliable than CelestOS was. You won’t be disappointed in the least!
Senseless - We’d better not be. Okay, cut main power.
Lights go off.
Greaser - Woah, space is dark.
Lights come on. Over the intercom, the Microsoft starting-up sound can be heard.
Bios - So far, so good. Check the interface.
The all look at the nearby monitor and see a cloud-filled background with little icons and a task bar at the bottom.
Doores - Now let me give you a crash course in Windows. Say you want to divert more power to the weapons. Just click on this icon–
He moves the mouse pointer by using a touch pad on the console and double clicks on an icon that says “Power Settings.”
Doores - And you can easily change the entire ship’s power allocation from this one convenient application.
Greaser - Easy enough.
Doores - And here you can raise shields–
He double clicks on a icon labelled “McAfee Security Centre.”
Doores - And arm weapons.
Greaser - And this interface is available on all the consoles?
Doores - Yes, that’s what makes Windows so user friendly: Anyone can use it!
Scene 4 - Briefing room, 15 hours later. All senior staff are present and talking to Admiral Spot.
Tener - This thing is a huge security risk. Anyone can use our systems!
Genocide - I don’t like how you have to aim using a stupid pointer.
Puker - That paperclip is annoying the hell out of me. Every time I go to make an entry in my medical records, it pops up saying “It looks like you’re trying to make a death certificate. Would you like some help?”
Righteous - It won’t let me use any of my Bajoran holodeck programs. It keeps saying that I don’t have the right drivers.
Greaser - It’s always asking “Are you sure you want to do this?” every time I input a command!
Baque - It’s slowing the damn ship down!
Center - Communications are a mess! Every time I send a message to my parents, it spends two hours scanning it for terrorist content!
Stoner - The layout of the interface is highly illogical.
Bios - Every time I touch it, it crashes!
Senseless - Those beeps and dings and chimes that it makes every time it has a question or a comment are driving the crew insane!
Spot - Yeah, well, we figured there would be a few bugs, so that’s why we only installed it on the Celestial. The rest of the fleet is waiting on the results of your tests.
Genocide - Figures. We’re always the guinea pigs around here.
Spot - Well, we’ll send you on a short trip around the neighbourhood. I want you to take some wheat grain to Vega Colony.
Baque - That’s only a few dozen light-years away, shouldn’t take more than a day.
Spot - Excellent. Be back in 72 hours. Spot out.
The holographic display of the high-ranking cat disappears from the top of the table.
Righteous - Well, let’s go to Vega Colony then. I’m sure they’ll be delighted that we decided to pay them a visit.
Center - Actually sir, they might be a little mad. After all, we did accidentally execute their ambassador early this month.
Righteous - Alright! Soon to be October! That means we have Thanksgiving and Halloween to look forward to!
Baque - ...Attention span of a targ.
No sooner have the words left his mouth then Binky the Mistreated Targ comes out of a temporal portal just outside the Celestial, along with Genocide’s modified K1A1 Korean tank.
Genocide - Alright! Now I have two!
Senseless - What?
Genocide - I bought an old Canadian Leopard C2 tank last week and modified it like this one.
The crew start talking tanks, oblivious to the fact that Binky’s blood is boiling in the vacuum of space. Just as he is about to kick the bucket, a maintenance pod slams into him, providing him with another breath of oxygen as he crashes through its outer hull.
Bios - So back to the computer issue. I say we try it out for a while.
Senseless - Okay, we’ll go to Vega Colony, but if anyone asks about the ambassador, it never happened.
Scene 5 - The Celestial has gone to warp. The viewscreen is showing the “Flying Windows” screensaver instead of the starflight one. All bridge staff are present.
Baque - I once got them to replicate fifteen bowls of macaroni in less than a minute.
Genocide - Cool.
Center - You know you shouldn’t do that, it’s a strain on the ship’s power supply.
Baque - Oh, stop being such a pussy. Besides, it’s not our job to fix the secondary systems, so it doesn’t hurt us any.
Then Greaser comes stomping through the bridge and goes to her station.
Greaser - If I ever find out who blew the replicator in the mess hall, I’m going to rip off their head and shove a slow-acting thalaron generator down their neck.
Baque and Genocide quickly look away and to their stations while Center snickers.
Righteous - Are we there yet?
All of the sudden the viewscreen goes blue and the words “Fatal Error, System Halted.” The ship drops out of warp and all the consoles go blank.
Righteous - Ah! Attackers! Death! Pain!
Senseless - What happened, lieutenant?
Bios - Looks like the ship crashed.
Greaser - I always knew Toc’s piloting would get us killed someday.
Bios - No, not that kind of crash, ma’am. The main computer crashed. We need to restart the ship.
Righteous - Okay. Do what you need to do.
The lights go off, then come back on again. The Windows logo appears on the view screen with a status bar at the bottom.
Baque - Okay, let’s try this again.
He hits some buttons, but the ship won’t go to warp.
Baque - Greaser...
Greaser - Yeah, yeah, I’m on it... Oooookay, I’m off of it. I can’t figure out what’s broken this time.
Senseless - Computer, what is wrong with warp drive?
In a weird voice, the computer responds:
Computer - Error using warp drive. Abort, retry, fail?
Senseless - Retry.
Computer - Error using warp drive. Abort, retry, fail?
Greaser - Um, guys? I’m reading a power buildup in the reaction chamber. We could be looking at a core breach.
Righteous - CORE BREACH!!!???!!! AHHHH!!! ALL HANDS ABANDON–
Senseless - Sir! If the shockwave didn’t get us, Admiral Spot’s kitty wrath sure as hell will. Computer, abort using warp drive.
Computer - Unable to abort. Error reading warp drive. Abort, retry, fail?
Senseless - Useless... fail then.
Computer - Warp drive no longer valid. Have a nice day.
Greaser - Um, I’m still reading a buildup of power.
Senseless - Great. Eject the warp core.
Greaser - I can’t! I’ve lost all access to the warp drive from this station!
Senseless - Computer, eject the warp core.
Computer - Unable to comply.
Righteous (praying) - ...And lead us not into damnation, but deliver us from Pah-Wraiths...
Senseless - And just why not?
Computer - Warp drive is not a valid drive listing.
Senseless - Bios! Fix this pile of sh*t!
Bios - I don’t even know where to start!
Righteous - ALL HANDS!! ABANDON SHIP!!!
Computer - Acknowledged. Ejecting escape pods.
Senseless, Righteous, Genocide, Greaser, Baque, Bios, Center - WHAT!?!?
The all look out the viewscreen, where the camera has zoomed in on a pod that has three fast-thinking no-names in it who are pointing at the ship and laughing.
Camera goes into pod.
No-Name #3 - Well we sure got the last laugh on those senior staff people!
No-Name #4 - Yeah! HAHAHA!
SMACK! The pod is hit by Binky, who is still stuck half inside the maintenance pod with his hind legs clamped onto the K1A1 tank. Of course, the escape pod is destroyed entirely.
Senseless - How did this happen?
Bios - Don’t look at me, it was the computer!
Senseless - Computer, activate the Mission Assistant.
A paperclip wearing a Starfleet uniform appears as a hologram in the middle of the bridge.
Clipit - A new version of Windows is available for download. You must download and install this newer version to continue to get quality advertisements from Macrosoft. Please wait.
The paperclip turns into an hour glass which keeps turning over and over as the bridge crew, white knuckled against the tops of their consoles wait for the stupid OS to stop the core from breaching.
Greaser - We’ve got five hours ‘til the core breaches.
Righteous - Quick! To the briefing room!
Senseless - Yeah, sure. All senior staff report to deck 1.
Scene 6 - All the senior staff are sitting on the floor on the bridge because the computer locked them out of the briefing room.
Bios - So anyway, I can’t get access to the computer. The ODN lines are being protected by a forcefield and the door to the room that houses the main processor is fused shut... somehow. (looks to Genocide)
Genocide - What? Phaser turrets seemed like a good idea at the time!
Senseless - Okay, for all those not paying attention, let’s recap. We’re facing a core breach in less than five hours. We have no control of the ship, are unable to regain control, and don’t know how long this stupid update is going to take.
The holographic paperclip appears in the middle of the circle of staff.
Clipit - Windows was unable to access the Subnet. I regret to inform you that for the previous reason, Windows will now freeze solid and not respond to any commands. Have a nice day.
With that, all the lights go off and the constant hum of the environmental fans dies.
Righteous - Son of a Pah-Wraith!
Tener - Gah! How come every time the lights go out something really bad is going to happen?!?
Greaser - Alright! Great news guys!
Baque - Oh do tell, might just lift our spirits.
Greaser - Life support is powered mainly by the warp core, so that means it’s offline! No more core breach!
Genocide - Of course, weapons, shields, and sensors have also gone offline as well.
Baque - Not to mention propulsion.
Center - And communications.
Righteous - And my plug-in orbs.
Tener - And all of those security systems, such as forcefields and phaser turrets.
Senseless - This could be a problem.
Baque - Funny. That’s what they said the day we launched the ship from the shipyard.
Scene 7 - Bridge of the OSS Scratchingpost. Chester is sipping a glass of milk and reading the Sunday comics.
Henchman #1 - Sire? All power output from the USS Celestial has stopped cold.
Chester - Really now? It figures. Set a course. Warp 9.
Scene 8 - Bridge of the USS Saratoga. Captain Farfetched is also reading the Sunday comics.
Scratcher - SIR! ALL POWER OUTPUT FROM THE USS CELESTIAL HAS STOPPED!
Captain Farfetched - What! Who told you Admiral Nelix was blackmailing me to make me work for the Orion Syndicate?!?
Commander Shelby - What?
Farfetched - Hehe, nothing. Um, let’s go help those jackasses on the Celestial. Warp 9.
Scene 9 - The camera is following an extension cord as it winds its way through the halls, into a Jefferies tube, up twelve decks, out a hatch, through more corridors, in another tube, up three more decks, out into a hall, through a door into the ready room, out onto the bridge, and into the Ops console. All the senior staff are present.
Righteous - Whoever was enlightened enough to invent the extension cord was a genius.
Center - Okay, this gives us a direct connection to the sensors onboard one of the shuttles. Let’s take a look outside.
They all peer over his shoulder at the display, which is showing three dots moving toward them.
Center - One of those is the USS Saratoga, one is unidentifiable, and the other is... HOLY CRACKERS!!! It’s the zombie ship!
Tener - I believe this is where I’m supposed to run around the bridge and say “IT’S THE ATTACK OF THE RADIOACTIVE MUTANT ZOMBIE NONAMES FROM A PLANET NEAR CARDASSIA!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!” But I’m over that now, thanks to counseling.
Senseless - What’s that other one again?
Center - Has the outline of a Galaxy-class ship, but definitely configured differently. For one, there’s a great big hood ornament on the front of the saucer.
Righteous - Sounds a little familiar.
Genocide - Wasn’t that the same as Chester’s ship in the alternate reality we caused?
Center - I think it was. What should we do, Captain?
Righteous - Well, I think we should all drop to our knees and pray to the Prophets, but that’s just me and every other Bajoran on the ship.
Baque - Knowing our luck, they’re probably all selling one-way tickets to the afterlife.
Righteous - Oh goody, can we buy one? Ensign, hail the Saratoga and we’ll ask for those tickets. Hopefully it won’t cost much.
Center - Hailing them, sir.
Scene 10 - Bridge of the Saratoga. Farfetched is sweating in his chair as he views the other ships present at the scene.
Lieutenant Scratcher - SIR!
Farfetched - GAH!
The captain jumps about a foot in the air.
Scratcher - WE ARE BEING HAILED BY A SHUTTLE LOCATED IN THE CELESTIAL’S SHUTTLE BAY.
Shelby - On screen. Lieutenant-Commander Garsh, get those shields up A-SAP.
Garsh - Aye ma’am.
Scratcher - ON SCREEN SIR!
The viewscreen switches to channel 12, where the smiling face of Captain Righteous is looking down at them.
Righteous - I’d like 15 tickets please!
Farfetched - Jackass! What tickets?
Genocide and Tener pull Righteous away and Senseless replaces him at the camera at the Ops station.
Senseless - Okay sir, we’ve hit a bit of a snag. Seems half the quadrant is out to get us.
Commander Shelby - What’s your status?
Senseless - All systems totally offline. The main computer is totally shot. Tell Admiral Spot that this stupid computer upgrade is a pile of sh*t.
Farfetched - Can your jackassed engineering crew fix it in time to fight two Galaxy-class ships?
Senseless - Maybe, but it would require getting access to the core processor, and the doors are fused.
Shelby - Why don’t you just phaser your way through the doors?
Senseless - Um... That’s actually a good question. Greaser!
He turns to look away from the screen at someone.
Greaser (faintly) - Yeah, yeah, blow up the doors, I gotcha. Then I suppose you’ll want me to fix the doors too won’t you? Seems that’s all I do around here, work, work, work.
Senseless turns back to the camera.
Senseless - Fend off those ships for us will you? Be careful, we think one might be holding Chester, and the other has a few hundred zombie no-names on it. Celestial out.
The screen goes back to the “Flying Windows” screensaver.
Shelby - Think we should have told them our computer won’t let us access the tactical systems?
Farfetched - Nah, they have enough to worry about as it is.
Scene 11 - Bridge of the Celestial. Everyone is pacing around being bored. All of a sudden, the lights come back on and the familiar silence from the viewscreen tells them CelestOS is back up and running. Everyone goes to their stations and in a minute Bios comes onto the bridge.
Bios - Lucky I had a backup copy.
Senseless - Good. Mr. Genocide, get those shields–
Boom, ship rocks sparks!
Genocide - The Scratchingpost is firing on us.
Righteous - Return fire then! Try and burn us will they...
Tener - Lieutenant Tener to bridge, we’ve got a big, BIG problem down here on deck 8!
Senseless - We’ve got a few problems up here as well.
Righteous - The doctor tells me I have problems too.
Tener - IT’S THE ATTACK OF THE RADIOACTIVE MUTANT ZOMBIE NO-NAMES FROM A SHIP OFF THE STARBOARD BOW!
Baque - This zombie plot-line is getting old.
Bios - Setting aside the fact that we all saw them totally destroyed back in that nebula, what can we do?
Genocide - The automatic defences should contain them.
Tener - They’re ripping your stupid phaser turrets out of the ceiling and using them to break the forcefields!
Senseless - Commander, get down there and help him, will ya?
Genocide - Kay.
Genocide leaves the bridge and a no-name takes his station.
Senseless - Target the Scratchingpost and fire all weapons!
No-Name #5 - Aye sir.
The camera goes out into space where the Celestial opens up with a volley of photon and quantum torpedoes which all go wide and hit nothing but stray hydrogen atoms.
Senseless - Gahhhhhh! Bios, take tactical. Captain, I think we should—Captain?
They all look around the bridge, but can’t find their hated Captain.
Senseless - Computer, locate Captain Righteous.
Computer - Damned if I know. Try the internal sensors.
Senseless - You are the internal sensors!
Computer - Oh yeah... Captain Righteous is not onboard the ship. And I’ll answer your next question for you. He’s on that OSS Scratchingpost.
Senseless - Thanks. Senseless to Tener. We’ve got another problem.
Scene 12 - Deck 8. About 20 yellow shirts are fighting for dear life against the zombie no-names, who are spitting radioactive acid at everything. Tener and Genocide are sort of standing back and trying not to get killed.
Tener - SORRY SIR, BUT WE’RE A LITTLE BUSY RIGHT NOW!
Bang! Another zombie’s head explodes, sending acid everywhere and melting a hole through the floor.
Genocide - This is not working. Phasers just aren’t powerful enough.
He says as another no-name security guard dies in front of him.
Tener - Okay, everyone fall back... What do you mean? Phasers are working fine.
Genocide looks over and spies a door.
Genocide - Hey, my quarters. Hold on I’ll be right out.
He ducks into the room leaving Tener to deal with the whining no-names. A few seconds and a half dozen yellow-shirts pass away and the wall explodes. Genocide comes out covered in kevlar and carrying an impact hammer in one hand and a nail gun in the other.
Genocide - OKAY, WHO WANTS SOME!?!?
All the zombies stop their dazed march and look over to him, then start running away.
Genocide - YEAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
He opens up with the nail gun and runs after the zombies. Every so often the sound of the impact hammer banging can be heard.
Tener - Okay, Tener to Senseless. Situation under control. What is it you want me to do?
Senseless - Okay, good. It seems Chester has abducted our captain.
Tener - What do you want me to do about it?
Senseless - Oh... I don’t know, just thought I’d let you know. You know, keep you in the loop and everything. I WANT YOU TO GO GET HIM, YOU PEDANTIC DRONE!!! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK?!?!?
Tener - Fine. Sheesh. I’d think you’d be happy to have him gone.
Senseless - Yeah, well, Starfleet Command doesn’t exactly take kindly to us losing Captains and not at least trying to get them back.
Tener - Fine! I’m on my way to transporter room 3 right now. Tener out. —God damn it. Come on, boys.
Scene 13 - Bridge of the OSS Scratchingpost. Righteous is chained to the wall and Chester is interrogating him.
Chester - Okay, for the last f***ing time, what is the prefix code that gives me access to the controls of the U f*ing S f*ing S f*ing Celestial!
Righteous - And for the last time, I really don’t know!
Chester - YOU’RE ITS CAPTAIN, FOR FUR’S SAKE!
Righteous - Yeah, who would have thunk it eh?
Chester - Alright, if questioning you won’t work, we’ll just hook you up to a Romulan mind-reader thingy and find out what you do know.
Chester - I just--! Never mind. Hey! You there! Hook him up!
A henchman puts a weird hat on Righteous’ head and plugs it into a console. Chester goes over and looks at the display.
Chester - My God, he wasn’t kidding, he really doesn’t know anything. Okay... guess we’ll just have to kill him or something.
Henchman #2 - Why don’t we just hold him hostage and demand a ransom.
Righteous - What’s a ransom?
Chester - Good idea. You get to live for a day or so. Contact the USS Saratoga.
Captain Farfetched’s face appears on the main viewer.
Farfetched - Son of a jackass!
Chester - We have your beloved Captain Righteous over here and you aren’t going to get him back unless you meet our demands!
Henchman #3 - Um, sire?
Chester - Not now, I’m gloating. So as I was saying, we want the Saratoga, the Celestial, and fifty of your most experienced no-names to run them.
Henchman #3 - Sire!
Chester - Shut up! Captain, you will hand over all top secret documents and half of your replicator rations immediately or we will kill Lee here.
Righteous - Hi guys!
Chester - Zip it, bozo.
Henchman #3 - SIRE! YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!
Chester - WHAT?!?
Tener - I believe this is yours. Sorry I took so long reading it.
Just as Chester turns toward the door at the back of the room, a copy of Larry Pothead and the Half-Assed Prince hits him square in the face, knocking him backyards.
Tener - Normally I’d have reservations about beating the stuffing out of a fluffy animal, but I like dogs more so f*** you.
Chester - The hell you will. Men, get them!
Tener’s five-person security team starts shooting randomly around the room, hitting everything from the ceiling fan to the fuzzy dice over the viewscreen. Unfortunately for Tener, he brought some recent Academy graduates, who haven’t learned the art of ducking and dodging phaser blasts yet. His entire team is wiped out down to the last man... who survived only because he ran in terror after his phaser jammed. Chester, fortunately, has a security squad who have the aim of the Stormtroopers and can’t hit the broad side of a barn. They too are obliterated... mostly by Tener’s shooting and Chester’s wrath when they failed to hit anything.
Righteous - Good show. Can I go now? I think I hear the wormhole opening.
Tener - Don’t worry, I came to get you out of here sir.
Chester - Stop!
Tener stops untying Captain Righteous and looks over at Chester.
Tener - You wanted something?
Chester - I want your ship and I intend to have it! I will have it if it’s the last thing I do.
Tener - Well, it very might well be considering the shape it’s in.
Chester - You won’t get away with this, I’ll stop you.
Tener - First, that’s not something the antagonist is supposed to say to the protagonist, and secondly, you and what army?
Chester starts smirking. Tener gets bored and goes back to freeing the Captain.
Farfetched - GUYS! Forgetting about me? Hello? Ah screw it. Garsh, cut communications.
Chester - Good, now that he’s gone and you’re in a more comfortable position, let me show you my army.
A bunch of zombies walk out of the turbolift and approach Tener.
Chester - After I promised them they could have all of my enemies to chew on, they pledged their loyalty to me and have been serving me since. At least, they did until you almost wiped them out and stole all my latinum!!!
Righteous - I’m no ghost hunter, but I don’t see how zombies will be able to take over the Federation.
Chester - No, they’re just the police. Starfleet itself will take over the Federation for me.
Righteous - If you’re referring to that Prophet-damned Windows software, we removed it.
Geeky Voice - That’s the great thing about Windows, it can’t be removed once it’s installed.
A chair swivels around revealing Dr. Will Doores.
Tener - AH! A PLOT TWIST!
Doores - They promised me billions of bars of gold pressed latinum. Hell, having ten billion already isn’t enough for one person to live off of. I needed more. No hard feelings, but I’m afraid your ship is going to try and kill you now.
Righteous - Righteous to Celestial, one to beam over.
Righteous disappears in the standard Starfleet transporter beam like thing.
Tener - Grrr... Tener to Celestial. Beam me over too, please.
Scene 14 - Bridge of the Celestial. Senseless jumps up and hands the Captain’s chair over to Righteous who walks in giving fake smiles to no-name dime a dozen crew members.
Senseless - Sir! Windows just came back online. We’ve lost control of the ship!
Center - The Saratoga is going haywire as well sir.
Righteous - Oh yeah, forgot about that. The kitty cat said something about zombies, then zombies showed up and circled us, then that nice computer guy showed up, then Tener yelled “Ah! A plot twist!", and then we beamed aboard. A full day as far as I’m concerned.
Bios - Stupid thing just won’t die. Looks like I’ll have to do it the old fashioned way. Lieutenant Bios to Ensign No-Name #6. Report to the main computer room at once and bring a phaser rifle.
Bios leaves the bridge. As she enters the turbolift, Genocide comes out covered in blood.
Genocide - Intruders neutralized, sir.
Center - Good, cause we’re about to have a close encounter with the front of the Saratoga.
They all look at the viewscreen where the Saratoga can be seen on a collision course with the Celestial.
Meanwhile, on the bridge of the OSS Scratchingpost, Chester, Doores, and a zombie who can be only identified by his name tag as “That Maintenance Guy” are looking at the viewscreen.
Chester - I’ve got twenty bars that says the Celestial takes less damage.
Zombie #1 - Nah. Saratoga will plow right through them.
Doores - I bet twenty bars they’ll both be destroyed. Windows is like that. Thorough.
They all watch as the two ships accelerate towards each other.
On the Celestial’s bridge...
Senseless - All hands, brace for a very painful impact.
Righteous - Prophets prophets prophets prophets prophets prophets! PLEASE!!!!!!! HELP US!!!!!!
Bridge of the Saratoga...
Shelby - All hands, brace for impact.
Farfetched - ...Damn this is going to hurt a lot.
Meanwhile, in the Celestial Temple, the Prophets are watching this all unfold on their big screen TV.
Sisko - Watch this, this ought to be good!
The ships are now less than a kilometre apart.
Righteous, Senseless, Center, Baque, Genocide, Greaser, Tener, Stoner, Bios, Puker - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Farfetched, Shelby, Garsh, Scratcher - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Tonnes and Tonnes of No-Names - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Guy who drew “The Scream" - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
The two ships hit and bounce off each other, thanks to the holographic rubber bumper that was projected around the Celestial at the last second.
Bridge of the Scratchingpost...
Chester - NO!!! GOD DAMN IT! FIRE!! DESTROY THEM!
Celestial’s bridge. All the senior staff open their eyes and see on the viewscreen, “Windows is totally unable to cope with unexpected or highly improbable events. That is why Windows will now crash, delete itself, and reinitialize your other, less perfect, operating system.”
Righteous - Yay! Prophets saved us!
Senseless - Mr. Genocide, target the Scratchingpost and fire at will.
Genocide - With pleasure, sir.
The Celestial blows a few holes in the Scratchingpost’s stardrive section before Chester’s idiot henchmen fire back.
Center - Shields at 73%.
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Center - Shields at 52%. Whatever they’re using is really starting to hurt us.
Baque - Thank you, Ensign Obvious. My God, all you do is point out the obvious. Here, let me take Ops, you pathetic moron.
Baque starts to walk toward the rear left corner of the bridge where the Ops console is.
Rest of Bridge Crew - NO!!!!
Baque flinches, looks back at his console and his eyes go wide.
The Celestial broadsides the zombie ship and their port nacelles get tangled up and both break off. Camera goes to Engineering. Greaser is standing amid a shower of sparks looking at a gaping hole in the port side of the warp core where the severed nacelle ripped out the port warp plasma conduit.
Greaser - There goes my shore leave!
Camera is on the bridge.
Genocide - Torpedo launchers are offline. Phasers are at 10%.
Righteous - What if we concentrated our phasers on that weird hood ornament in a single burst?
Center - The Scratchingpost’s shields are still at 23%. I doubt it would do much damage.
Baque - Hood ornament!?! What kind of stupid idea is that!
Righteous - Well, it knocked them off our tail last time.
Senseless - Please don’t tell me we’re going to have to pull another Picard. We just got this ship fixed.
Center - I don’t see any way to win this battle, sir. The zombie ship is harassing the Saratoga who are badly damaged as well. We won’t survive many more shots sir.
Senseless - Fine! Prepare to ram the Syndicate ship!
Baque - Wait! What’s that!?!
A large Federation starship drops out of warp and opens fire on the zombie ship and the Scratchingpost with quantum torpedoes.
Bridge of the Scratchingpost...
Chester - What in that name of all that is furry is that thing!
Henchman #4 looks at his console and sees the tactical readout of the newcomer.
Henchman #4 - Oh, poo.
Camera goes out into space where the Flourish-class starship fires a powerful assault phaser at the Scratchingpost and blows a hole straight through the saucer section.
Bridge of the Scratchingpost...
Chester - RETREAT!!! GET US THE HELL OUTTA HERE!
The remains of the Scratchingpost turn around and go to warp.
Bridge of the Celestial...
Senseless - Identify that ship!
Center - It’s the USS Litterbox! Admiral Spot’s flagship!
Righteous - Kitty! Hail them!
Admiral Spot appears on the main viewer.
Spot - I’m going after Chester. You get yourselves and the Saratoga to Starbase 335 to get fixed. God damn it, I can’t leave for ten minutes without you bozos blowing yourselves up!
Righteous - But what about the–
Righteous - Zombies... Oh well. I’m sure we’ve heard the last from them.
Center - MASSIVE TRANSPORTER ACTIVITY!! ALL OVER THE SHIP!
Ten zombies materialize on the bridge. The crew all pull out phasers and start blasting around the place. Genocide just stands at his console thinking to himself. Then he lights up, sticks up his index finger, and pulls out a pack of Mentos, and pops one into his mouth. Next, he pulls out a Gatling phaser and yells:
Genocide - EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Everyone in the room ducks and covers their heads.
Genocide - ...Everyone except the zombies I mean...
The zombies all give a little laugh and stand back up. Genocide starts the phaser up and fires around the room, cutting to pieces everything he hits. As soon as the zombies are all dead, he blows the turbolift door to pieces and jumps into the shaft.
Genocide - Happy Thanksgiving, f***ers!
Scene 15 - Starbase 142. Briefing room on the Starbase. Only Righteous and Senseless are present.
Righteous - Captain’s log, supplemental. Well, we accidentally went to the wrong Starbase, but I blame the zombies, who are now all dead as far as we know. Chances are though we haven’t seen the last of them. Oh well. Oh, Captain Farfetched, I didn’t see you come in. Oh yeah, end log.
Farfetched - My ship’s in a million pieces right now so I’m over here to use the washroom. Can one of you jackasses point me in the right direction?
Senseless - Out the door and twenty metres down on your left.
Farfetched - Oh. Well, I’m not the janitor so it’s not my mess in the broom closet then. So how’s the repairs going?
Senseless - Pretty good. We managed to fix the warp core and get a new nacelle. We should be done in a few days. Plenty of time for shore leave.
Farfetched - I just wanted to thank you for saving our asses back there, with the whole rubber bumper and all.
Righteous (beaming) - It was my idea to install one!
Farfetched - Must have been quite a challenge placing my ship in a good orbit using only your forward tractor beam.
Senseless - Would’ve been harder if your engines hadn’t helped the little they did..
Farfetched - Err... My ship’s engines are broken.
Righteous - Oh...
Garsh - Lieutenant-Commander Garsh to Captain Farfetched, we’ve got a little problem.
Farfetched - Where are you!?! Is the ship alright?
Garsh - You tell him.
No-Name # 7 (faintly, from farther away) - No you tell him!
Farfetched - One of you jackasses had better tell me where you are and is the ship alright, right this instant!
Garsh - Um... On the planet’s surface, and no.
Farfetched - DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!