Scene 1 - On some beach with yellow water and about twenty moons circling it. Twenty big moons. Yeah, just imagine the tides... Anyway, our heros are all lounging in the suns whilst on their shore leave. Righteous is trying to make a wormhole out of sand and rocks, Puker and Stoner are operating on a turtle-like thing, Baque is driving a speedboat much faster than it should ever be driven, and Greaser is in the hang glider attached to it.
Greaser - GOD DAMN IT TOC, SLOW DOWN!!! I THINK I JUST SAW A WARP FLASH!
Genocide - Should they really be doing that sir?
Senseless - Probably not, but as long as they don’t steer into anything, I guess it’s fine.
Genocide - No, I mean without arming themselves. What if a Borg scout ship attacked them?
Senseless - (Groan)
Senseless covers his face with his hands as Tener and Center run past shooting each other with phasers.
Bios - Bios to Commander Senseless.
Senseless - Senseless here. This had better not be work-related ‘cause we’re all on shore leave down here.
Bios - With all due respect Commander, shut up! While you’re all whiling away the hours down there in the suns I’m stuck up here removing all that Windows sh*t from the main computer! I haven’t got a moment’s rest so don’t jerk me around! There is an admiral coming to see us, so get your ass up here and get back to work! My God, I’m tired! Bios out!
Senseless - Well, I guess I’d better tell everyone we need to pack up.
Genocide - Are you sure that’s wise? Which would you prefer to face: An angry Admiral that has the power to make your life a living hell, or an angry Bolian woman who has the power to kill you in your sleep?
Senseless - Good point. We’ll say it’s the Captain’s orders.
Opening Credits - Theme song: Session by Linkin Park
Scene 2 - Shuttlebay. A type-6 shuttlecraft flies into the Celestial, does a 360, a barrel roll, three chin-ups, and lands upside down. The hatch breaks off and Senseless and Righteous peer inside.
Tom Paris - See? I told you I’d get you here on time, didn’t I dad?
A very queasy Admiral Paris stumbles out of the shuttle and barfs on the floor.
Admiral Paris - I think I’d rather have been late. Get your ass back to the Prometheus.
Tom - Yes sir.
Tom Paris powers up the shuttle and takes off, scraping the hell out of the bottom of it as it nicks the top of the shuttlebay doors.
Admiral Paris - Is this room secure?
Senseless - As secure as it’s going to get. Course, that would all change if we got a little more maintenance...
Admiral Paris - Admiral Spot has been taken prisoner by the Orion Syndicate. They are demanding a ransom or they will kill her. I want you to take the Celestial and go find them. Use whatever force is necessary to get back Starfleet’s top admiral. Now, with that said, since it’s you guys going to save her, we’ve scheduled the funeral for next Thursday. Remember, full dress uniform.
Admiral Paris jumps in the nearest type-3 shuttle and flies away.
Righteous - Bugger...
Scene 3. The USS Celestial flies through a small debris field consisting of missing socks, toilet paper, and pizza crusts. All senior staff expect Tener and Stoner are on the bridge.
Righteous - Captain’s Log: Stardate 435276.8. We have arrived at the last known location of Admiral Spot. Ahead of us lies the USS Litterbox, broken in two big pieces and floating through space, not getting repaired ‘cause the crew are all playing cards. Why is that anyway? Who provided the cards? What is the meaning of life? These and many other questions we intend to find out. End log.
Righteous - How’d that sound?
Center - Award-winning log, Captain.
Baque - It sucked royal dick. I could have recorded a better Captain’s Log, and I’m not even the Captain.
Righteous - And with that language you never will be, potty mouth. Hail the ships.
Genocide - Why are you looking at me? Get Ensign Center to do it.
Righteous - Oh yeah. Hail.
Center - Hailing frequencies open... They’re not responding.
Baque - Try giving them more than two seconds to respond next time will ya?
Center - That’s not what it says in the Academy Handbook.
Genocide - You actually read that?
Center - I read it every night before I go to bed.
Beep! Captain Spot Jr.’s face appears on the main viewer.
Spot Jr. - You hailed?
Righteous - Yes, we did. We’re here to find your mother. Need any help with the ship?
Senseless - What happened?
Spot Jr. - Well, it all started three days ago while we were playing some games on the bridge...
Flashback. Bridge of the USS Litterbox. Admiral Spot, Captain Spot Jr, No-Name Cat #1, and No-Name #1 are all playing twister. Admiral Spot is reading off the things they have to do.
Spot - Left front paw, green.
No-Name Cat #1 - They need to make these things smaller.
No-Name #2 - Ma’am, there is a ship approaching off the starboard bow. It’s a Gorn destroyer.
Admiral Spot - Real funny guys, everyone knows the Gorn haven’t been heard from in over a century.
No-Name #2 - Good point. So, who’s up for a game of Go Fish?
All the cats raise their paws.
No-Name #2 - Okay, I’ll go get the cards.
No-Name #2 leaves the bridge and never comes back because he’s useless and stupid and a no-name dime-a-dozen yellow shirt and... sorry. Anyway, the rest of the creatures on the bridge continue to play Twister when all of a sudden there is a huge CRASH! And everything goes flying across the room.
Spot - Son of a bitch, Captain!
Spot Jr. - Um ma’am, you just called yourself...
Spot - Shut up and get back to work! Report!
No-Name #1 - The entire ship has been sliced clean in two! Main power is offline!
No-Name Cat #1 - The Gorn ship has rammed us!
No-Name #3 - Ma’am, there’s a really big ugly-looking ship approaching us at full impulse!
Spot - Shields to maximum... err what’s left of them.
No-Name #1 - I can’t ma’am, I don’t know how!
Spot - My god, this crew is almost as incompetent as Righteous’, Shields’ and Picard’s.
No-Name Cat #1 - Ma’am I have a positive identification on the incoming ship. It’s the OSS Scratchingpost.
Admiral Spot - Arm weapons. Target their warp core. Full phaser volley on my mark.
Spot Jr. - Ready ma’am.
Spot - Fire!
On board the OSS Scratchingpost, Chester is caught totally by surprise as the seemingly crippled dreadnought blows a hole in the stardrive of the retrofitted Galaxy-class ship.
Henchman #1 - Sire, our weapons are offline–
Back to the present.
Baque - Now wait just a minute. How the hell would you possibly know what was going on onboard the Scratchingpost?
Captain Spot Jr. - I’M TELLING THE STORY!!! Now, as I was saying, Henchman #1 told Chester that their weapons were offline, so Chester ordered them to beam aboard all the cats on the ship. They only got mom before we took out their transporters. They hightailed it to warp, and the Gorn stayed behind to finish us off.
Righteous - So where are they now?
Spot Jr. - I don’t know, our sensors are down.
Righteous - No, I meant the Gorn.
Spot Jr. - Oh, we threatened to send a quick message to their insurance companies telling them of the incident. They backed off rather than face high insurance prices. Having collision on your ships in the Gorn Star Alliance is the law you know.
Senseless - Well, our medical personal will treat your wounded, and our engineering staff will get to work... um... putting your ship back together.
Puker and Greaser - We will?
Righteous - Yes, now get to it. And we have to go now, cause all this talking is tying up this week’s episode of Sisko and Friends.
Genocide - ...Knew I should’ve blown the wormhole up the last time we were there...
Scene 4 - Senseless is in his quarters reading a PADD and drinking a cup of coffee. As he lifts the mug to his mouth to take a sip, he glances out the window. The sight makes him spit his coffee all over the PADD, for out the window, the USS Litterbox can be seen being duct-taped back together. Senseless runs out of his quarters and takes off down the corridor. Five minutes later, he approaches Lieutenant Commander Greaser, who is in the shuttlebay, supervising the loading of repair shuttles.
Senseless - Um, Lieutenant, would you mind telling me why your teams are taping the USS Litterbox back together?
Greaser - ‘Cause I told them too. It’s amazing how the words “Last one done is a dead man” will get people moving.
Senseless - Okay, would you care to tell me why you told everyone here it’s okay to duct tape a 1.3-kilometer-long billion-metric-tonne Federation dreadnought back together?
Greaser - It’s amazing what you can do with a little duct tape. I’ve been using it to fix hull breaches on the Celestial for years.
Senseless - Those were minor! Well, most of them anyway. We’re talking about fixing the neck of this ship, a section that contains ten decks and tonnes of plasma conduits!
Greaser - Oh, I intend to connect up the power grid the normal way. It’s just easier and faster to use duct tape on the hull sections.
Senseless looks away toward a shuttle which is out and moving toward the Litterbox, towing a five-metre-long box behind it.
Senseless - How much of this stuff are you planning to use?
Greaser - As much as it takes. Oh, I almost forgot. I need your authorization to shut down life support and reroute the power to the industrial replicators.
Senseless just turns and walks away, muttering:
Senseless - Seven more years till retirement, seven more years till retirement...
Scene 5 - The camera is in space looking at a huge ball of gray stuff with two parts of a ship sticking out of it at odd angles. Camera goes to the bridge of the Celestial.
Righteous - This is what I call a job well done.
Greaser - I couldn’t agree more.
Tener - Will that thing... fly?
Genocide - Oh we’ll make it fly.
Center - Hey why did we need this ship to look for Admiral Spot anyway?
Baque - Cause she’d kill us if we lost it.
Senseless - Exactly. Mr. Baque, set a course for Orion, warp 7.
Baque - Aye sir.
Greaser - That was a first.
Dr. Puker quickly hides the bottle of Ritalin behind his back as the ship goes to warp.
Scene 6 - The OSS Scratchingpost flies through space. Don’t expect a picture of this one, ST: Armada II only works so well.
Chester - Space... a lucrative frontier... These are the voyages of the warship Scratchingpost... Its continuing mission, to corrupt strange, new worlds... To seek out new deals, and new business opportunities... To boldly do what no one’s been morally inept enough to do before!
The ship goes to warp for about a second then drops out and sits stationary. On the bridge.
Chester - Okay, good. That was kinda starting to get boring anyway. I think we’ve beat this opening credits gag to a bloody pulp with lead pipes long enough.
He walks over to a cage which houses Admiral Spot.
Chester - What do you think of our new wallpaper? I particularly like the floral plaid but I guess we could have gone with the navy blue too. Matches the consoles and the henchmen’s uniforms quite nicely.
Spot - You are one sick idiot.
Chester - You’re the one behind the bars.
Spot - Exactly, you moron. What do you plan to do with me anyway?
Chester - Oh you haven’t heard my master evil plan yet?
Spot - No, but I have a feeling you’ll tell me anyway.
Chester - Ha ha! You’ll have to beg me first.
Spot - I stand corrected.
Spot lies down and goes to sleep.
Chester - Wha... fine!
Spot wakes up, snickering.
Chester - I intend to charge the Federation over a billion bars of gold pressed latinum for you. They’re so intent on making a life priceless that they’re sure to fork it over. Once I have the money, I intend to fully conquer the Gorn Empire and build up a large and lethal armada of warships. With them, I’ll destroy Romulus, Qo’noS, and Earth and Vulcan! Oh yeah, Cardassia and Breen too. And the other Federation worlds... and Remus... and Rura Penthe... Did I forget one?
Spot - Nope, I think that about covers it.
Chester - My plan is brilliant, isn’t it?
Spot - Well, I do see a few problems. Firstly, Romulus and Remus should be easy enough to blow up, seeing as the Romulans are incompetent, if Commander Spronk is any indication. Secondly, the Breen will be a challenge to take. Starfleet and the Klingon Empire have found it impossible to get into the Breen home system, much less near the heavily-fortified Breen home world. Thirdly, We recently upgraded Earth Spacedock with massively powerful weapons in response to the Borg threat, and you’d have to deal with it first. The Klingons will probably ram into your ships rather than let you enter the Qo’noS system, and the Cardassians are idiots so I don’t give a damn if you kill them all. But other than that, good luck.
Chester - Ah but you haven’t seen my super weapon yet...have you?
Spot - You mean that cheap copy of the V’Ger ship?
Chester - ...Yes... how’d you know about that?
Spot - ‘Cause I was in a briefing a few days ago that went over the many weaknesses of that stupid ship. One being it has no shields and a hull the thickness of tissue paper!
Chester - I’m on a budget, give me a break!
Spot - You’re the worst bad guy since Silik from Enterprise.
Chester - We’ll see who gets the last laugh.
Henchman #2 - Sire, two Federation starships are approaching our position.
Spot - HA!
Henchman #2 - One is the Celestial...
Chester - HA!
Henchman #2 - And the other is...well, huge!
Spot - HA HA!
Henchman magnifies the two ships and everyone looks at the big ball of duct tape as it spins through space with the back section of the Litterbox sticking out the back of it and the front section sticking out the right side at a 45Oº angle.
Spot - Son of a bitch, what the hell have they done to my ship!?!
Chester - HAAAAA HAAAAAAA!!!
Henchman #3 - Sire, we’re being hailed.
Chester - On screen.
The viewscreen changes to a view of the Celestial’s bridge. No one is sitting in the captain’s chair, and a paper air plane flies across the screen. After much cursing and name calling, a mad looking Captain Righteous Lee walks to his chair and faces the viewer.
Righteous - Ooh, a kitty!
Chester - What do you want?
Righteous - Um, I don’t know. Hey Commander, what did we want?
A hand comes out of nowhere and slaps the Captain on the back of the head. Senseless’s voice can be heard from off screen.
Senseless - Lieutenant, mind the helm! Captain, we want Admiral Spot back... idiot...
Righteous - Yeah, we want our dear Fleet Admiral Spot back so she can boss us around some more. Hey Commander, are you sure that’s what we came here for again?
Senseless - Would you rather have Admiral Nelix bossing us around?
Chester - Since you’re all about to die, I’ll tell you that for the last month or two Admiral Nelix has been working for me.
Spot - We know.
Chester - WHAT?!? How!?!
Senseless - He works on Jupiter Station, for Christ’s sake. You think we don’t read and analyse every message that leaves the Sol System?
Chester (furiously) - Then why haven’t you arrested him yet?!?
Spot - Because he has a few captains being blackmailed and it’s really fun to watch them squirm. Our “official” reason is that we’re using him to gather intelligence about the Orion Syndicate. However, seeing how stupid you all are, we haven’t come up with much.
Chester - Well, it won’t help you now! Henchman #1, FIRE ALL WEAPONS AT THE CELESTIAL!
Scene goes to the bridge of the Celestial.
Righteous - Heh heh heh. So predictable. Mr. Genocide, if you please...
Genocide - Firing!
The camera goes out into space where two tricobalt torpedoes fly away from the Celestial. One goes wild but the other slams into the deflector dish of the OSS Scratchingpost. Camera goes to the bridge of the Scratchingpost.
Henchman #1 - Forward shields are down to ten percent! They won’t sustain another hit!
Chester - Get us out of here!
Henchman #2 - Which way?!
Chester - PICK ONE, YOU MISERABLE EXCUSE FOR GOOD HELP!
The OSS Scratchingpost turns and goes to warp... right toward a black hole. Camera goes to the bridge of the Celestial.
Center - They’ve gone to warp.
Baque - Again with stating the obvious...
Center - Shut up, it’s my job!
Senseless - Pursuit course!
Baque - Umm... are you sure that’s wise?
Righteous - Yes, it is. Go to warp!
Baque - They just warped into the event horizon of a black hole.
Senseless - Just had to get worse, didn’t it?
Righteous - Well, DUH! We’re only on page 11, for Christ’s sake!
Center - They’re slowing down! We can catch them.
Baque hits a button on his console and a holographic hand appears behind Ensign Center and smacks him on the back of the head.
Baque - IDIOT! That’s a f***ing black hole! Of course they’re slowing down, the gravity in there is tremendous!
Senseless - Well, every second we wait is about a minute for them, another minute they could be boring Admiral Spot with evil plans.
Righteous - Excellent. Go to warp.
Baque - If we make it out of this alive...
The Celestial goes to warp for about a second, then drops out.
Baque - We’ve entered the gravity well, it’s impulse from here on in.
Senseless - Intercept the Scratchingpost, full impulse.
Baque - Fine... it’ll take an hour or so though.
Bios - Well, make it fast. According to the quantum clock, we’re already losing out on off-duty time.
Everyone looks at the nifty wall clock perched above the viewscreen (you know you hate working when...). Sure enough, the minute hand is moving about twice as fast as it should be moving.
Righteous - Don’t worry, the Prophets work in mysterious ways...
Scene 7 - OSS Scratchingpost, bridge.
Henchman #2 - The Celestial is moving much faster than they should be!
Chester - Stupid relativity!
Spot - Way to go morons, you warped us right into a black hole.
Chester - Reverse course! All power to the engines!
Henchman #2 - No effect!
Chester takes out his phaser and shoots a guard at the back of the bridge.
Chester - I’M GETTING ANGRY!!!
Henchman #3 - Sire, calm down, please, you’re going to kill us all!
Chester - I AM CALM!!!!!!!
Boom, ship rocks, no sparks.
Henchman #4 - A tractor beam has us!
Scene jumps to the USS Celestial’s bridge.
Bios - Tension in the beam is at 105% of recommended maximum output!
Baque - It seems to be working.
Center - Actually, no, the OSS Scratchingpost is pulling us along with it.
Greaser - Engineering to bridge, what the hell are you people trying to do, rip the ship in two?
Senseless - Just keep the damn hull in one piece!
Greaser - Yes sir, you stupid son of a bitch...
Senseless - What was that?
Greaser - Uh, um, tonight we’re watching Lilo and Stitch! Greaser out!
Righteous - Oh boy, I love that movie.
Genocide - I have a torpedo lock on Chester’s ship!
Bios - Make this quick, we can’t keep the tractor beam on much longer.
Baque - Where the hell is the Litterbox anyway? Shouldn’t they be helping us?
Meanwhile, the USS Litterbox is under attack by some Gorn ships. On the bridge...
Captain Spot Jr. - Where the hell is the Celestial, shouldn’t they be helping us?
Scene 8 - OSS Scratchingpost, bridge.
Chester - Prehaps we can use this to our advantage, prepare to lock a tractor beam on the Celestial! If we’re going to die, they’re coming with us!
BOOM! Ship lurches, consoles explode!
Henchman #1 - Shields are down! Shield generator offline!
Before Chester can bark an order or kill someone, he and Admiral Spot are beamed away.
Scene 9 - USS Celestial, bridge.
Center - Got ‘em!
Righteous - Then let’s get out of here! I wanna see Lilo and Stitch!
Baque - The ship’s too heavy! The impulse engines can’t move us fast enough to break free of the massive gravity well we’ve fallen down. We need to lose some weight if we’re going to get out of here anytime soon.
Senseless - Genocide, get Tener, Stoner, and Puker and go to the shuttlebay and cargo bays. Jettison everything we don’t need!
Genocide - Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Genocide leaves the bridge.
Righteous - Now what?
Senseless - Engineering, bridge. We need every ounce of power you can give us. Shut down all systems, life support even! Scrape the ions off the sonic showers if you have to.
Camera jumps to someone’s quarters. A no-name is scraping the sides of the sonic shower with a chisel.
No-Name #4 - ...Parents told me to fly the school bus, “Fly the bus.” they said but did I listen? Noooooooo! I had to join Starfleet... mutter, mutter...
Scene 10 - Scene is in the shuttlebay. The doors are open to space and Lieutenant-Commander Genocide and Lieutenant Tener are throwing stuff out into space.
Tener - Shoe polishing kits. Need them?
Genocide - No, throw that out too.
Tener - Do-it-yourself hologenerators?
Genocide - Nah, get rid of ‘em.
Tener - What about these?
Genocide - We need those like a hole in the head. Here, I’ll give you a hand with that one.
Genocide and Tener push a large crate full of Orbs of the Prophets out into space.
Tener - Hey who knew getting rid of the non-essentials would be so entertaining?!
Genocide - It gets better. Stay here, I’m going to go find some non-essential personnel.
Scene 11 - Bridge. The ship is shaking violently but that’s only because the cameraman drank a little too much coffee this morning. Only Baque is at his station because the rest of the bridge crew went to talk with Admiral Spot and Chester. Baque is tapping his fingers on the console and looking around the room.
Baque - Hey, kick ass! My shift is over according to this clock!
He gets up to leave and gets to the turbolift just as Lieutenant-Commander Greaser comes out.
Greaser - Where are you going. Lieutenant? Your shift started three minutes ago.
Baque - What! It just ended!
He looks at the quantum clock and sees that his off time, all 16 hours of it, has gone by in a flash.
Baque - God damn you, Einstein! Damn you and your damn relativity!
Greaser - Where is everyone?
Baque - They went to interrogate Chester.
Greaser - Isn’t the brig on the trailing edge of deck 12?
Baque - Yeah last time they sent me there it was.
Greaser - Which way is the ship pointed?
Baque - Away from the black hole. We should be clear of it in another few hours or so. The warp field won’t engage this close so I have to use impulse engines and fight against gravity.
Greaser - So that means that... wait, let me do some quick calculations... that means that time is passing differently in the brig, where our bosses are!
Baque and Greaser look at each other.
Baque - Mess hall?
Greaser - Yep.
They both get up and leave the bridge empty.
Scene 12 - Brig. Righteous, Senseless, Puker, Stoner, Center, Bios, Spot, three no-names (two guards, one console operator), and Chester are present. Chester is behind a forcefield as the rest of the crew are glaring at him.
Chester - I’ll never talk! You’ll have to kill me.
Righteous - Okay. Crewman, deplete the atmosphere behind the forcefield.
Chester - I didn’t mean that literally, you moron!
Spot - Well, I think the Captain did. Crewman, proceed with atmosphere depletion.
They all look on in amusement as Chester expands like a balloon.
Chester (faintly) - OKAY, I’LL TALK!
Spot - Crewman, replenish the air in there.
As Chester catches his blood, Center gets out a notepad and gets ready to write down everything Chester says.
Chester - What do you want to know?
Center - ...what... do... you... want... to... oh, never mind.
Spot - Tell us what deal you made with the Gorn and why they agreed to help you?
Chester - Didn’t I already tell you?
Bios - Actually ma’am, I think he did. Back in scene six. Something about conquering the Gorn Empire and using their ships to attack us.
Spot - Oh yeah, and then I said your secret weapon sucks and we know about Admiral Nelix’s defection and then the rest of you showed up.
Righteous - Yep, I’d like to think I’ve made a difference here today.
Senseless - So, the bad guy is in our custody, we’ve safe from the black hole, the USS Litterbox is taking care of the Gorn, and everyone’s happy. What now?
Chester - How ‘bout letting me go?
Righteous - Okay!
Spot - Belay that order! Shut up, Captain.
Righteous - Okay...
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Spot - Son of a dog!
Senseless - Bridge! Report!
No answer... KA-BOOM! Ship lurches, lights flicker, everything is thrown around the room and the shit hits the fan... literally.
Stoner - Some illogical bastard neglected to flush the toilet. Now it’s gotten into the ventilation system and is being distributed all over the room.
Puker - Thank you for that enlightening commentary. Let’s get to sickbay. Something tells me there’s going to be a lot of death reports to fill out today.
Senseless - Something’s wrong on the bridge, no one’s answering. Everyone, get up there. NOW!
Spot - DOUBLE TIME!
Righteous - Wait, are we allowed to do that?
All the senior staff, including Admiral Spot and that stupid no-name leave the room.
Chester - Hey! What about me? Can’t I even get a TV to watch this on or something?
Scene 13 - Mess hall. Greaser and Baque pick themselves up and look out the window. Pieces of hull can be seen, as can the accretion disk of the black hole.
Baque - Ohhhh... shit!!!
Scene 14 - All the bridge officers pile onto the bridge and look at the fried consoles which are smouldering in the front of the room.
Righteous - Well, we tried this approach. Now everyone to the shrine so we can pray for forgiveness and hope to the Prophets we can still get into the Celestial Temple even though the ship and everyone on it is about to be compressed into a space no bigger than a photon.
Senseless - Battle bridge.
Baque - What?! I just got up here! Whatever caused this is seriously going to pay.
Scene 15 - Main engineering. Greaser runs out of the nearby turbolift and starts bitching about things.
Greaser - WHAT HAPPENED?!
She rounds the corner and enters main engineering.
Greaser - Oh... bugger.
For before her is a huge hole that goes from the dorsal hull above deck 11 to the bottom of deck 20, five metres in diameter and surrounded by forcefields. Oh and this hole happens to be where the warp core once stood. The chard remains of yellow-shirts litter the floor and the carpet is burnt off.
Greaser - Um, battle bridge, we have a problem...
Scene 16 - Battle bridge. The bridge crew and Spot file in and take their stations.
Center - Captain! Chester is gone! Someone beamed him out!
Righteous - Oh well, I never liked him anyway.
Admiral Spot - Idiot! Damage report!
Center - All systems are offline. It looks like something went straight through the hull and took out the warp core.
Spot - Does the Orion Syndicate have anything that is capable of doing that?
Senseless - No, they don’t. I don’t know of anything in the Alpha Quadrant that can do that, much less this close to a black hole.
Baque - Speaking of event horizons... ten minutes ‘til structural collapse.
Spot - Pour every ounce of power into the impulse engines!
Baque - It’s not enough! We’re still being pulled in!
Genocide - I have the causality report if anyone wants to see it.
Righteous - Anyone we know?
Genocide - Not on the first page, so probably not.
Senseless - Looks like you’d better add our names to that list too...
Camera goes out of the ship and views the Celestial as it hits the event horizon and freezes in time.
Scene 17 - Lieutenant Tener opens his eyes and looks around himself. Everything is white and he can hear a heart beating somewhere. Then it stops. Then it flutters a little and regains the rhythmic beating again.
Tener - Hello?
Righteous - The Tener is confused.
Tener - Captain?
Senseless - He is linear. He cannot understand.
Tener - Commander? What’s going on?
Genocide - His linear existence has ended.
Tener - Oh, so I am dead... This is what I get for standing next to the warp core, isn’t it?
Greaser - He will stay with us.
Tener - But I don’t want to stay with you.
The scene changes to a blurry and bright view of the bridge of the Celestial.
Tener - Okay, not funny. Send me back.
Righteous Prophet - He does not understand.
Tener - You haven’t tried to tell me yet!
Senseless - He is the only one who will join us.
Tener - I’m not a scientist! Someone tell me what’s going on here!
Senseless Prophet - You are with us now.
Tener - Well, this sucks.
Sisko - Hey guys! Baseball game? Did you all forget?
Righteous Prophet (under his breath) - Son of a Pah-Wraith...
Sisko - Oh hi.
Tener - Hi sir.
Sisko - How did you get here?
Tener - I was standing next to the warp core on deck 14 and next thing I knew I was here.
Sisko - Ah oh... Where exactly were you just now? The ship, I mean.
Tener - Next to a black hole. Why?
Sisko - I see..., everyone turn to channel 7. I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Binky Prophet grabs the remote and aims it and the big-screen-wormhole-shaped television set. The view changes to show the USS Celestial being torn apart at the subatomic level.
Righteous Prophet - Not good.
Senseless Prophet - We must intervene.
Tener - WOULD SOMEONE WITH A SENSE OF TIME PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME!
Sisko - That black hole happens to be our garbage dump, and also the back door into the Celestial Temple. If the ship is sucked in, your entire crew will end up here for all eternity.
Tener - Including Righteous, I assume.
Sisko - ...yes... unfortunately. Anyway, it was nice being paid to appear on this episode but we have to save the universe now. Ta ta.
Camera goes out into space as the USS Celestial is thrown clear of the black hole. A bunch of crap happens and the ship sort of fixes itself. Camera goes to the bridge.
Righteous - Wtf?
Senseless - What happened?
Baque - We were thrown clear of the black hole!
FLASH! Tener appears on the bridge.
Tener - Gee thanks for forgetting about me! Again!
Righteous - Oh yeah! Him! Sorry! Want some porridge?
Tener - Porridge?
Righteous - Yes, I do believe a bowl of porridge is appropriate for everyone. After all, we did save the universe.
Spot - You idiots, all you managed to do was save my life, wreck my ship, ruin my mood, and ruffle my fur!
Greaser - Comb?
Spot - Why thank you–
She shoots a confused glance at Greaser.
Puker and Stoner enter the bridge.
Puker - Well, as I always say, all’s well that ends well. We saved Admiral Spot, Chester and his ship are stuck near the event horizon of a black hole, the Gorn are nowhere to be found, the USS Litterbox is all taped up nicely, and we have an excuse to remodel half the ship.
Center - Why’s that?
Stoner - There is a large hole going through the ship.
Genocide - So I guess this means we can all finish our shore leave, right?
Bios - Yeah, and this time I’m coming too! Lieutenant Baque, set a course for Starbase 142, maximum warp.
Baque - The warp core is gone, in case you haven’t noticed.
Bios - Well, get the auxiliary one in place pronto! My eyes are bulging out of my head because I’ve been staring at a blue screen of death for about two weeks.
Baque - Greaser - The auxiliary core is online, but only at one-third power. We can do warp 5 if we need to.
Bios - Good, now let’s get back to the beach.
Spot - Not so fast! You jerks ruined my ship, so I’m using yours! Helm, take us to Deneb VII, warp 5! I have a knitting contest to attend and I intend to attend it and be extended a large ball of yarn! NOW GO!
Bios - God damn it!