Episode 14: “Where No One Has Bothered to Go Before”
Written by Swordtail
Published December 22, 2005
Scene 1 - Camera is on the Celestial as it warps through space.
Righteous - Captain’s log, stardate 435487.3. Well, we’re finally back to exploring the cosmos. Seems like we haven’t done much of that lately. In fact, I don’t think we’ve explored anything for almost a year now. Weird... In Other news, the Prophets are smiling down on us all and we’re on our way to sector 553, where no one has been before. Not because it’s really far away or really dangerous or anything, but just simply because Starfleet hasn’t gotten around to sending a ship there yet. So here we are, cruising along at warp 7 and making great time. We have no idea what we’ll find when we get there, but I expect the Missionary Team to act with the quick and decisive attitude I’ve come to expect of them. End log.
Genocide - The missionary squad is dead.
Righteous - Aw, not again! What happened this time?
Genocide - They had an unfortunate encounter with a phaser blast.
Righteous - Well, I don’t suppose there’s anything we can do to stop those things. Just have to always be on the lookout. Helm, report.
Baque - We’re near a binary system with 16 planets.
Senseless - Lieutenant Bios, scan for life signs.
Bios - Two of the planets show humanoid life on them. Doesn’t look like there’s any indication of warp travel... wait a minute... I’m picking up a warp signature on one of the planets’ moons.
Senseless - Divert course to investigate.
Baque - Yes, Commander Clueless! Right away!
Senseless - Don’t start with me this early in the morning...
Center - I’m picking up indications that this may be a pre-warp civilization.
Righteous - Well, then the Prime Directive makes this really easy. Let’s go home.
Senseless - Wait, if it’s a pre-warp society, why is there a warp signature on that moon?
Center - I don’t know.
Bios - Maybe they recently developed warp travel?
Senseless - Well, it’s worth taking a look.
Baque - No, it probably isn’t.
Genocide - Commander, this system is rich in mineral resources and mining potential. Having this species as an ally could help us greatly in our war with the Breen. And besides, they have a very, very dense asteroid field that looks like it could use some help getting even denser.
Baque - Yeah, you’re real good at increasing an area’s density when you enter it, aren’t you?
Genocide - Why I outta...
Senseless - Toc, put us behind that moon with the warp signature near it. Keep us out of sight if you can.
Righteous - Assemble an away team. And take the missionary team with you.
Genocide - They’re dead, captain.
Righteous - Oh, right. Well then, just take the landing party.
Senseless - Bridge to Lieutenant Tener, report to transporter room 1 and bring some security guards.
Tener - Acknowledged. Tener out.
Camera goes to Tener, who steps out of his quarters and starts walking down the hall. He comes upon three no-name yellow-shirts.
Tener - Hey, you guys! Have your death certificates filled out and be ready in transporter room 1 in a few minutes! Come on! Let’s move!
Opening cre–AH COME ON DO I HAVE TO WRITE THIS EVERY SINGLE TIME?!?!
Scene 2 - The away team, consisting of Senseless, Bios, Blavik, Tener, and three security guards materializes behind a large tree. Naturally this tree looks just like what you’d find anywhere on Earth, except it’s painted purple and grows bundles of petunias.
Senseless - Okay, spread out. Keep a low profile. Look for anything that might indicate warp technology.
Voice - FREEZE!!!
Tener - AH!
He fires his phaser at the sound of the voice, only to blow a large hole through the tree.
Senseless - What was that?
He turns around and finds an odd looking weapon about a centimetre from his forehead.
Person Holding Gun - Don’t, move.
Senseless - I hate Mondays...
Blavik - Today is Tuesday, sir.
Senseless - Yes, but we got our orders to go to this place on Monday.
Bios - Um, you’re aware they can understand us, right?
Guard Like Guy With Gun - Drop your weapons and put your hands on your heads.
The crew comply as Tener notes:
Tener - Hey, is it my imagination, or do these guys look really human?
No-Name #1 - Paramount’s budget cuts strike again.
Guard - I said don’t move!!!
No-Name #1 - But I didn’t–
No-Name #1 drops to the ground.
No-Name #2 - Maybe he’s okay?
BANG!! The guard fires another shot into No-Name #1 to make sure he’s dead.
Guard - All those found moving will be shot. Survivors will be shot again. This process will repeat until those found moving are dead. Now, come with us.
The crew stay put. The guard looks back at them.
Guard - Look, I don’t make up slogans, I just say them. Just come this way, will ya?
The guard starts walking away.
Senseless - When in Rome...
Blavik - But we’re not in Rome, sir.
Guard - Less talking, more walking!
Bios - I expect we’ve broken some sort of stupid rule and now they want to put us to death for it.
Tener - What makes you say that?
Bios - Because that’s how it usually works. Remember that episode of TNG?
Blavik - Wishing death to Wesley Crusher can not be described as evil.
Senseless - Oh well, we’ve tried the non-interference crap. Let’s just cut to the point where we beam out.
Guard - WALK!!!! LORDS DAMN IT, WALK!
Senseless taps his commbadge.
Senseless - Away team to Celestial. The locals aren’t being very friendly. Beam us back.
Righteous - We can’t! We’re under attack!
Senseless - From whom?!
Guard - You’ve got five seconds!
Righteous - From the blue team! AW! DAMN IT!!! THEY SUNK MY SCRABLESHIP!
Senseless - Grrr... Ensign... energize!
Guard - Time’s up! People now start to die.
The team dematerializes but the locals open fire and kill the two no-names. Senseless, Blavik, Bios, and Tener rematerialise on the transporter pad.
Tener (looking at the No-Names’s corpses) - Oh well, it was bound to happen.
Scene 3 - Main engineering. Suspenseful music is playing as Greaser walks around the awfully quiet main engineering room.
Greaser (talking to herself) - Okay... I’ve realigned the secondary plasma inducers, so now I need to... right, warp core diagnostic.
She walks up to a console which stands right next to the core and the music gets even more suspenseful and dramatic.
Greaser - TURN THAT OFF!
She turns and throws a tricorder at a no-name who is sitting on his console with a CD player and speakers next to him. He scrambles to get out of the way and trips on the speaker cord. Both fall to the floor and the music stops.
Greaser - That’s better. Computer, begin a level 3 diagnostic on the matter/antimatter reaction control system.
Computer - Diagnostic underway.
Greaser - And get a more cheerful personality.
Computer - Unable to comply.
Greaser - Oh well, I had to at least try.
A klaxon goes off.
Computer - Warning! Warp core micro-fracture detected. Containment fields cannot engage around weakened area.
Greaser - What! WHY?
Computer - Because you used that force field emitter to seal the hull breach on deck 5, you twit!
Greaser - Damn it! Where is the micro-fracture?
Computer - Core section 8, deck 14.
Greaser - Hey, you there with the time on your hands! Deck 14, warp core section 8! On the double!
As the no-name picks himself up and grumbles about hazard pay, a loud BANG! fills the room, followed by a hissing noise. Greaser looks up and sees steam shooting out of the warp core just above her.
Computer - Warning! Warning! Warp core breach! All hands, abandon ship!
Greaser - Sh*t, if this ship explodes, Admiral Spot will kill me!
Greaser runs to the nearest lift and frantically hits the up button. She then stands still, listening to the elevator music as the one-person lift slowly (emphasis on slowly) makes its way up to deck 14. Meanwhile the no-names are running around screaming and flailing their arms as the red alert lights flash and the klaxons. Camera goes back to Greaser, who is still in the lift and is now chewing some bubblegum. Camera goes to the outside of the ship as escape pod hatches begin to open and pods float out. Camera goes to Greaser who is blowing a bubble. Camera goes to the bridge where the other senior officers are trying to eject the warp core, but to no avail. Camera goes back to Greaser, whose lift has finally stopped. She walks over to the jet of steam and sticks her chewed bubblegum in the hole, stopping the breach.
Computer - Core breach no longer imminent. You may now return to your regularly scheduled lives.
Greaser - Meh, that gum was losing its flavour anyway.
Scene 4 - Bridge. Righteous, Center, Baque, Genocide, Greaser, and Puker are present.
Righteous - Sooooo... No core breach?
Greaser - No sir. I fixed it.
Righteous - Okay! I can live with that!
Senseless, Tener, Blavik, and Bios enter the bridge.
Senseless - Worst, away mission, ever!
Righteous - Oh?
Senseless - Somehow they all detected our beam in and surrounded us. Luckily we were able to beam out.
Bios - It seems making warp cores isn’t all this pre-fusion era slumball can do.
Tener - I wonder who gave them the technology?
Righteous - You know who I blame? The Cardassians.
Genocide - The Cardies? They’ve only been heard of maybe three times in the entire series!
Puker - Can’t be them, sir. The major recurring villains this season are the Breen and the Orion Syndicate.
Tener - Yeah, if I counted correctly there was about seven consecutive episodes they were in.
Baque - Yeah...
Bios - Why are we talking about this?
Genocide - I don’t know, because it takes our minds off the idea that the core shouldn’t have broken without warning like that.
Righteous - Actually, I read about the core only having a 120 day warranty or something. Wait, should I have told you all that?
Senseless - Yes sir, you probably should have.
Righteous - Oh well. Anyway, I think we should all go pray to the Prophets for continued stability in the Templar Banks ...err... I mean the quadrant.
Baque - Gee, I’d love to, but I have to go to my quarters and slit my wrists! Some other time then?
Beep beep beep! Beep beep beep! Beep beep beep!
Baque - Someone get that!
Genocide presses a button on the console and the beeping stops.
Senseless - Well?
Genocide - Well what?
Senseless - Well what was the beeping about?
Genocide - I don’t know, I just turned off the sensors.
Senseless - ARGGG!!! TURN THEM BACK ON YOU IDIOT!!
WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(MORE EXCLAMATION MARKS)!!!!!!!!!
The ship rocks violently and everyone is thrown around.
Blavik - For what reason are the inertial dampeners not operating at maximum efficiency? Has Lieutenant Bios inadvertently damaged them again?
Bios - What the Windows are you still doing here? Get your sorry Vulcan ass down to sickbay, ENSIGN!
Puker - Causalities! FUN!
Dr. Puker runs into the turbolift, a huge grin on his face and rubbing his hands together. Blavik steps in next to him.
Puker - Deck 7 please.
Swoosh! Doors close.
Senseless - Report!
Genocide - Cardassian warship attacking us! Keldon class!
Righteous - HA! TOLD YOU! WHO HAS DIVINE GUIDANCE NOW???!!!
A console at the back of the room sparks and burns a no name.
No-Name #3 - AH! BURNING!!! BURNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG!!!!
Boom! The console explodes killing No-Name #3 for no reason whatsoever.
Genocide - Their weapons are matching our shield frequency. It’s like they have our access codes or something.
Senseless - You know, if we survive this, we have to get around to changing our access codes once in a while. I think we’ve been using the same ones for two years now.
Righteous - Nah, too much paperwork. Mr. Genocide, kindly return fire.
Genocide (hitting buttons) - How the hell do you “kindly” shoot at someone?
Center - Shouldn’t we have hailed them first like we’re supposed to?
Senseless - Right! I knew we were forgetting to do something! Hail them, ensign.
Computer - We’re sorry, but you must dial 1, or 0, plus the area code, before entering the number. Please hang up and try your hail again.
Boom! Ship rocks, sparks.
Center - Quick! What’s the Cardassian area code?
Bios - Uh... Hold on.
Bios reaches under her console and pulls out a phone book. She starts flipping through the pages.
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Genocide - Port shields have failed!
Bios - Centauran, Crystalline Entity, Columbari, Carrins...
Genocide - Starboard shields are down!
Bios - Kazon, Klingon, Kzin...
Genocide - Aft shields are down!
Bios - Talaxian, Tellerite, Tholion, Tosk, Triannon, Tribble... da hell?... Trill...
Genocide - Forward shields are down!
Bios - Vaadwaur, Vidiian, Vorta, Voth, Vulcan...
Senseless - Lieutenant, you’re going the wrong way!!!
Genocide - Dorsal shields are gone!
Bios - Right, sorry. Ba’ku, Bajoran, Benzite, Bolian–
Greaser - That’s how it’s spelled? Ah oh...
Bios - --Borg, Breen...
Genocide - Ventral shields are down!!! All deflectors are offline! Request permission to begin ramming sequence!
Bios - Wait! Found it! Cardassian: 448!
Center - Hailing frequencies open!
Righteous - This is Captain Righteous Lee of the Federation starship Celestial. Please refrain from destroying us seeing as we mean you no harm.
The viewscreen, which is flashing “Impending Death Approaches,” changes to show the inside of a Cardassian ship.
Gul Karat - I am Gul Karat of the Cardassian warship Somethingorother. We did not recognize your vessel’s configuration. We are deeply saddened by any loss of life you may have experienced.
Genocide - Why? We aren’t.
Karat - Yeah, I’ll admit that statement was a lie...
Senseless - So what are you doing here? Don’t you remember the terms of your surrender to us?
Karat - We surrendered to you?
Righteous - Yeah, funny, huh?
Senseless - Yes, you did, at the end of the Dominion War. So why are you here?
Karat - We were investigating an unidentified warp signature in this otherwise primitive solar system.
Righteous - A likely story... So likely in fact that I’ll believe it, seeing as we’re here for the same reason. So do you know anything we don’t?
Karat - I know who’s going to win gold in long jump at the 2382 Summer Olympic Games on Vulcan...
(And no, I didn’t check to see if that was a year the summer Olympic games fall on so don’t criticise me on that point!)
Senseless - That’s really nice and all, but we should probably be focussing more on how these people can detect transporter signals so well that they were onto us almost as soon as we beamed down.
Karat - I agree. So, in that regard, I’m going to go park my ship at the edge of this system and watch you solve the mystery on my big screen TV. Ta ta!
Baque - The Somethingorother is moving off.
Senseless - Organize damage teams to fix the ship. There will be a briefing for all senior staff in one hour. Now, go about your jobs.
The bridge crew all turn back to their consoles.
Greaser - I’ll just go then...
Scene 5 - Briefing room, one hour later. Everyone important is present.
Greaser - What idiot let pass the mention of their weapons matching our shield frequencies?!?
Center - I’m sure the captain is thinking about that. He’s always one step ahead of the rest of us.
Righteous - Actually, I’m glad you pointed that inconsistency out. I had totally forgotten about that!
Baque (to Center) - What you call one step ahead, the rest of us call ten steps behind.
Puker - So. Do we go back to the so far unnamed planet and snoop around some more, do we check out that moon with a fine toothed tricorder to see if there’s any indication why there is a warp signature there, or do we call it a day and go home?
Senseless - The Prime Directive prevents us from interfering with the natural progression of any society, so returning to the planet when they’re already aware of us is out of the question. I’d say we should head for the moon.
Righteous - Well, you aren’t in command, are you, Commander? Nope, I say we call it a day and go home. Leave this one to the more advanced ships.
Tener - Um sir, that would be us.
Righteous - Not in the eyes of the Prophets, we aren’t.
Baque - Gee I wonder why...
Righteous - Set a course for Nimbus IX, warp 6. Engage when ready. Dismissed.
The crew get up, having mixed feelings about leaving the planet, but getting to take some time off as well.
Scene 6 - Celestial zooms through space backwards.
Righteous - Captain’s log, supplemental. What does supplemental mean anyway? Hello? Oh, right, computer can’t record and be talked to at the same time. Anyway, we’re on our way to Nimbus IX to deliver some weird stuff that’s been rotting in our cargo bays for the last 6 months.
Senseless - We haven’t had the ship that long, captain.
Righteous - Oh... Ah oh! End log. Jack, you sure we’re supposed to deliver something to Nimbus IX?
Senseless - That’s what the orders from Starfleet say.
Genocide - Aren’t those orders from Admiral Nelix?
Oh yeah, the scene is on the bridge and all the bridge officers except Bios are present because she isn’t that important anyway.
Senseless - Admiral Nelix has not only renounced his involvement in the Syndicate publicly, but has helped Starfleet Internal Security forces to round up thousands of other Starfleet defectors. In exchange for all this, the Federation Council has granted him a full pardon, seeing as he’s killed no one important throughout the whole ordeal. And besides, he finally got that Dominion destroyer he wanted, even if it did get pounded up a bit by the Borg Buster.
Righteous - So, back to 3D Scrabbleship. I want to be the blue team this time. They keep winning so maybe the Prophets don’t like red or something. Must remind them of Pah-Wraiths. But, it is not my place to question the will of the Prophets.
Baque - You want me to kick your ass again, sir?
Righteous - Yes, but I’d prefer it if you at least let me get one or two shots fired before you do it this time. I’ll tell you, antimatter scrabbleship isn’t as fun as it sounds.
The ship starts shaking.
Baque - Odd... Warp field is fluctuating. I can’t compensate!
Greaser - Greaser to bridge, what’s happening! The core is fine but we’ve lost warp drive!
Senseless - Lieutenant Bios please report to the bridge. Ensign, what’s going on?
Center - I’m reading a large amount of tachyon radiation, antimatter residue, and subspace interference.
Senseless - Source?
Center - I don’t know, but it’s approaching... fast!
Bios enters the bridge and takes her station.
Bios - Not good, there’s a massive displacement wave, moving toward us!!!
Righteous - On screen.
The camera turns to look back at the crew away from the viewscreen. Everyone on the bridge, including the no-names at the back, turn and look at the viewscreen with their mouths open and faces set in terror. Captain Sulu walks into the field of the camera in time to say:
Sulu - My... God!
Camera goes outside the ship, where a huge shockwave is moving toward the Celestial at breakneck speeds. Camera goes back to the bridge.
Senseless - All hands! Brace for impact.
No-Name #4 - Ah, I hate it when he says that! It usually means one of us is going to die...
WHAM!!!!!!!(and yes, No-Name #4 dies)
The ship shakes violently and everything is thrown around and consoles explode and 16 fluffy white kittens bound across the screen at random intervals and in random directions. The mindless shaking finally stops and the crew all look around them as the lights come back on.
Bios - Well, that was fun.
Righteous lifts one of the kittens off his face and sits up.
Righteous - What was that?
Center - According to these readings, that shockwave originated at bearing 482 mark q25
Baque - Why was there a “Q” in that?
Senseless - Where exactly did it come from?
Center - I think it came from sector 553. More accurately, the planet we just visited.
Righteous - Set a course for sector 553, maximum warp! We have to see if the Prophets spared any of those people from the restoration of their world!
Baque - Approaching the coordinates.
Senseless - All stop. On screen.
The viewscreen changes to show a cloud of rock and dust that oddly looks a lot like the one seen in “The Xindi” or whatever the season 3 premiere of Enterprise was called.
Genocide - All this mindless destruction, and I wasn’t involved in creating it?!? Why is the universe so cruel?!
Senseless - Is the Somethingorother still in the system?
Bios - Yes sir.
Senseless - Hail them.
Beep! Bee boo beep!
Computer - We’re sorry, but you must dial 1, or 0, plus the area code, before entering the number. Please hang up and try your hail again!
Center - Damn. Anyone remember what the Cardassian area code is again?
All - Err, no.
Bios - Fine, I’ll get it.
She takes out the phone book and starts flipping through pages again.
Center - Wait! The Cardassian ship is hailing us!
Senseless - Thank god.
Center - What the...?! They called collect!
Senseless - GOD DAMN IT! On screen!
Gul Karat - Ummmmmmm yeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssss? Why are you back?
Senseless - What happened?
Karat - Gee, I wonder. I guess it all started twenty minutes ago when we decided to blow up their planet.
Genocide - You blew up an entire planet just for the hell of it? I’m impressed.
Senseless - Well, I hope you know you just killed 2 billion people and sent the planet’s moons flying through the system in all directions.
Bios - Actually sir, the planet’s dust cloud is providing enough gravity to keep the moons in a highly eccentric yet stable orbit.
Karat - Welp, we’d love to stay and chat, but we’ve got a lot of work to do.
Senseless - You aren’t going anywhere. Lower your shields and prepare to be boarded. We’re placing you under arrest.
Karat - Oh yeah, you and what army?
Righteous - He’s got us there, commander.
Senseless - I hope you haven’t forgotten you’re only a single ship and we have an entire fleet within a day’s distance.
Karat - You morons! I was just kidding! They blew themselves up. Looks like they were testing some kind of antimatter weapon.
Genocide - What kind of weapon?
Karat - It is a special generator that produces massive amount of antimatter by projecting a beam onto normal matter.
Senseless - And let me guess, they just developed this technology on their own?
Karat - We’ve been watching them for a while now and trying to duplicate their success, but to no avail. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to converse with my imaginary bridge crew about the massive damage we should have conceivably taken when the planet blew up. Never mind the fact that shockwaves can’t move faster than the speed of light though. Bye!
Beep! The viewscreen goes back to the starfield screen saver.
Righteous - Well, nothing more to be figured out here. Let’s go home now.
Senseless - Helm, set a course for the other inhabited planet.
Baque - FINE!
Senseless - Ensign, open hails on all frequencies. Lieutenant, have they taken any damage?
Bios - Looks like one of their moons was destroyed and their southernmost continent was pretty much rendered lifeless.
Center - I’m getting a response, on high frequency AM radio waves.
Genocide - Country-loving bastards....
Baque - Shut it! I like country music!
Center - On screen people.
A fatigued looking goofy forehead alien appears on the screen.
Goofy Forehead Alien - Please! Don’t kill us!
Righteous - Don’t worry, we’re here to show you the ways of the Pro–
Senseless - We’re here to help. Can you tell us anything about the explosion of the second planet?
Goofy Forehead Alien Who Is From Now On Called The First Minister - No, all we know is that our neighbours said something about a new toy a few hours ago and then, BOOM!
Senseless - How many people did you lose in the explosion?
First Minister - How the hell should I know? I’m only the leader, not the statistics expert.
Righteous - Hey have you heard of a Gul Karat?
First Minister - Um... Yep... You could say that...
Righteous - We’re going to beam down to your location so we can talk in private. Please don’t try to arrest us like the last group did.
First Minister - Okay, I’ll try not to.
The transmission cuts.
Senseless - Well, something tells me we haven’t heard the full tale of the Cardassian’s involvement in this plot.
Baque - DUH! When has a large, powerful warship belonging to a hostile race showed up and not been lying to us from the beginning??? Tell me, when?
Righteous - Well there was that time with the Borg...
Scene 7 - Wow, this has to be the lowest number of scenes that I’ve ever used. Oh well, Episode 13 had way too many so I guess this makes up for it. Anywho, Righteous, Senseless, Tener, and some more no-names beam down to the First Minister’s office. I’ve always wondered why they’re all called “First Minister” or something corny like that, but let’s not dwell on it right now.
First Minister - Welcome, strangers from the sky!
Righteous - Okay let’s get the formalities over with. We represent a large and technologically advanced peaceful coalition of worlds and are here in the hopes of advancing our knowledge and understanding. We expect to be arrested and subjected to your strange and appalling local rules that usually involve death to one of us.
First Minister - I represent a backwater, primitive society who strangely symbolizes an aspect of humanity which you intend to explore in this, your 14th episode of the series. We have every intention of arresting and attempting to kill you based on some stupid misunderstanding that shouldn’t even happen seeing as we should be terrified of your advanced ways.
Righteous - Nice to meet you.
First Minister - Likewise.
Senseless - Did you ever have contact with the people on the other planet?
First Minister... Screw It I’m Calling Him Larry - Yes, we’ve had open trade with them for many years.
Senseless - Did you ever suspect they may have been developing some kind of super weapon and testing it?
Larry - Well, not really... I mean, not for a while now. In fact, I don’t think they’ve done any weapons research since the Cardassians came.
Righteous - Them again...
Senseless - The Cardassians have been supplying weapons to pre-warp species?
Larry - ...I don’t know what pre-warp means so I’m going to say yes.
Righteous - I’d say it’s terrible that the Cardassians would be trying to get allies from primitive cultures, but after seeing Insurrection, I think I have to keep my mouth shut.
Senseless - Well, it’s been nice meeting you, but we have to run. We’ll send a ship later on with relief supplies. In the meantime, we’ll deal with the Cardies and you probably won’t hear from them ever again.
Tener - That and the fact we won’t hear from you ever again either.
Senseless - Away team to Celestial, five to beam up.
Tener (whispering to Senseless) - We have no intention of sending a ship, do we?
Senseless (whispering back) - If we sent a ship to all the planets Starfleet ships have promised to send them to, our fleet would be spread so thin that something bad could happen and not only would we be the only ship in the area capable of dealing with it, but we wouldn’t find out about it until about a month after it happened!
As the First Minister waves goodbye, Righteous, Senseless, Tener, and the two no-names are beamed away.
Scene 8 - The away team materializes on the transporter pad. As the senior officers get off the pad, one of the no-names starts staring off into space and patting his stomach as if making sure he still exists.
No-Name #5 - We’re still alive?
No-Name #6 - We’re still alive!!!
No-Name #5 and 6 - YAY!!!!!!
They start dancing around in a circle on the transporter pad as Righteous and Senseless and Tener head for the door. All of a sudden, the ship shakes violently and the transporter pad explodes, killing both the no-names and the no-name transporter operator.
Tener - Oh well, it was bound to happen.
Righteous - Righteous to bridge, are we under attack from a giant purple monkey in a warp-capable dishwasher?
Center - No sir, the Cardassians are attacking us.
Righteous - Well, I was close.
They all leave the room and head to the bridge. However, halfway down the corridor, a yellow-shirt steps in front of them holding up a phaser.
No-Name #7 - Don’t move!
Righteous throws up his hands in surrender, but Tener and Senseless just roll their eyes and stun the stupid no-name, who happens to be holding his phaser backwards.
Righteous - Good work men!
Senseless - Lieutenant, take this man to sickbay. I have a feeling that a very large and until now unexplained plot hole will soon be filled.
Scene 9 - Bridge. Senseless and Righteous walk in. Everyone else who should be there is already there.
Genocide - The Somethingorother is attacking us.
Center - I’ve already tried hailing them, no response.
Baque - No, we can’t shake them, since that will probably be your next question.
Bios - And to top it all off, they still have our shield frequencies!
Senseless - Then just change our shield frequencies!
Bios - Ooooooooooooh!!! Good idea, Commander! Teach a person to fish, eh?
Genocide - He he, got a lock on their warp core. Permission to fire?
Senseless - Since you actually asked permission this time, I’m going to say “yes.”
Camera goes out into space as the Cardassian ship gets a hole blown through it by a tricobalt torpedo. Camera goes to the bridge of the Somethingorother...
Gul Karat - Unseen crew! Get us out of here before–
He is cut off as a wall of fire tears through the bridge.
Scene 10 - Sickbay, deck 7, section 9... I guess... oh well. That whole battle was a total waste of time but who cares? Back to sickbay. Everyone is present and standing around the central biobed, which no-name #7 is sitting on. The only difference is that he now looks Cardassian.
Puker - To put it briefly, he pulled a Seska.
Everyone shudders at the thought of Voyager’s first two seasons.
Greaser - Well, this explains a lot now doesn’t it?
Tener - In exchange for not being blown out an airlock “accidentally,” our friend has told us of all the sabotage he did on the ship. He was responsible for the micro-fracture just recently, and the giving of our shield frequencies to the Cardies, and a number of other things going all the way back to 14 episodes ago when he stole 19 gel packs from deck... um... something, and caused a coolant leak on decks 14, 15, and 16.
Genocide - That’s impossible.
Blavik - We had him hooked up to a lie detector. Believe me, it’s true.
Genocide - No, it’s impossible for a single no-name to survive almost 8 months on this ship. Think of all we’ve been through! We’ve rammed a Borg cube, crashed in San Francisco, been invaded by radioactive mutant zombie no-names, had the ship destroyed, been thrown back and forward in time, been infested by more zombie mutants, gone to hell and back, had a stolen Borg cutting beam fired through the stardrive, had Microsoft products installed on our main computer, been in a massive battle with the Breen, and endured a cheesy Christmas special! How can anyone with a name survive such a season?
Baque - What is this, a recap episode?
No-Name #8 (blueshirt at back of room) - Well, actually I was there too and I’m still–
Bzzzt! Genocide shoots him with his phaser.
Greaser - Okay, so you’ve sabotaged us before, anything else you should know about before we turn you over to Starfleet Intelligence?
No-Name #7 - Just one last thing I did...
Righteous - Oooh sounds like fun! What is it this time?
No-Name #7 - You’ll find out in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
Boom! Lights flicker, shaking.
No-Name #9 - Engineering to Sickbay! Every warp coil in both nacelles has just been fused by some bomb!!! Warp drive is gone for good!!!
Greaser - Why I outta!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WORK TOO GOD DAMNED LONG EACH DAY AS IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She lunges at No-Name #7 and starts wringing his scaly Cardassian neck.
Senseless - Ensign, hail Starfleet and ask for a repair ship to be sent immediately.
Center - Sure, sir.
He goes to a console and hits some buttons.
Computer - Bee boo beep! We’re sorry, but you must dial–
Center - DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!