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Episode 15: “Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall, Who’s the Dumbest One of All?”

Written by Swordtail

Published December 31, 2005

Author’s Note: The title is no longer than “For the World is Hollow, and I Have Touched the Sky” so nyah!

Scene 1 - Camera is on a large, gray, sphere with a rough surface. The camera pans around and zooms in on the Opaka-class starship which is parked a short difference from the burnt-out star. As the camera goes around this ship, we see that it is painted differently from the Celestial, and has been christened ISS Celestial. Camera jumps to the bridge of this ship. The bridge is different, and everyone has a dagger and a phaser in their belt. Other than the fact that Senseless has a beard, everything else is pretty much the same.

Mirror Righteous - Mr. Genocide, I don’t like to be kept waiting...

Mirror Genocide - Sorry sir, I’m ready now.

Mirror Senseless - Then by all means, fire!

Camera goes out into space. The Mirror Celestial fires a tricobalt torpedo directly into the burnt-out star. With a cool CG effect, the core explodes violently. The shockwave moves over the Mirror Celestial, but its shields hold. On the bridge.

Mirror Bios - It’s working! Subspace fluctuations are at 30 terahertz and climbing!

Mirror Righteous - Then you all know what this means...

Mirror Senseless - Yes, it means we have a weapon powerful enough to destroy the Alliance!

Mirror Righteous - Well that too, but I was going to say that we finally have a way to crush the False Prophets once and for all! Long live the Pah-Wraiths!

The rest of the crew groan at having to listen to Mirror Righteous’s religious preachings yet again.


Scene 2 - Camera zooms in on the real USS Celestial, from our universe. Inside, on the bridge... Once again it is night, so only Baque, Genocide, and Center are present.

Baque - I’m bored. Bored, bored, bored. I wish something exciting would happen.

Genocide - I wouldn’t say that if I were you...

Center’s console starts beeping.

Baque - What now?

Center - A brown dwarf just off the port bow just exploded. It formed some kind of rift.

Baque - Sh*t! Warp field just went offline!!! We’re being pulled in!!!!

Genocide - Can you break us away? Wait, dumb question. This is Star Trek; Of course not.

Baque - Acceleration at 47 m/s². I can’t break us free! Try blowing up the anomaly!

Genocide - Phasers are having no effect. I’m going to try a tricobalt torpedo. They can tear open subspace, it’s only logical that they can seal subspace anomalies as well.

Center - What?!?

Baque - SH*T! Stardrive has passed the point of no return! There goes the option of warping out. Impulse engines are overheating!

Center - Shut ‘em down!

Baque - Are you nuts?!? We’ll be pulled in!

Center - I’m detecting normal space on the other side. I think a bumpy ride is preferable to having no engines once we get there.

Baque - Fine, but if you’re wrong... I’ll kill you myself.

Senseless, Righteous, Bios, and Blavik run onto the bridge.

Righteous - What’s happening?

Baque - No time to explain... shutting down engines...

The camera zooms outside the ship as the red hot impulse engines shut off and the ship is pulled into the rift. On the bridge, someone puts a thin red plastic film over the camera lens.

No-Name #1 - Sir, what’s happening!?!?

They all turn around and look at the no-name as he starts crazily laughing and dies slowly (I think that’s what happened in that episode of TOS).

Senseless - What happened to him?

Baque - I’m assuming you only care because it could also happen to us.

Blavik (scanning the air) - There is a interspatial field permeating the hull. It’s disrupting our cellular cohesion. Also, considerable amounts of microwave radiation are evaporating the water from our bodies even as we speak.

Bios - What does that have to do with going crazy and just dying?

Righteous - Come to think of it, I am getting thirsty.

Senseless - Is there anyway to stop it from killing us all?

Blavik - Perhaps. Lieutenant-Commander Genocide, please adjust the shields to a frequency of 0.0053 microhertz.

Genocide pushes a few buttons.

Blavik - That’s better. The interspatial field is no longer affecting us.

Bios walks up to the camera and removes the red film from the lens.

Baque - We’re exiting the rift.

Center - Sensors coming back online.

Senseless - On screen.

The viewscreen changes to show the ISS Celestial looking back at them.

Long pause... The crew just look around the room, shaking their heads or staring at the floor, since they have a vague idea of what’s just happened, judging by the yellow markings on the other ship.

Righteous - Wait a minute! Those sinning bastards stole our ship! How dare they!

The rest of the crew groan at Righteous’s stupidity.


Opening credits. Theme song: “Session.” I already changed the opening sequence once for Episodes 6 and 7, so don’t expect me to change it again.


Scene 3 - On board the Mirror Celestial’s mirror bridge.

Mirror Righteous - Wait a minute! Those sinning bastards stole our ship! How dare they!

Mirror Center - Mother F***er! Stupid idiot! It’s just the real Celestial from the real universe!

Mirror Righteous - I knew that.

Mirror Senseless - If it truly is from the non-mirror universe, than chances are it is as powerful or perhaps more powerful than our ship. Let’s try a little bluffing. Hail them.

Mirror Center - They’re hailing us, sir.

Mirror Righteous - On screen.

Righteous’ face appears on the screen.

Mirror and Real Righteous - Woah! He looks just like me!

Mirror Senseless - This is the Terran Warship Celestial. Who are you, and how did you get here?

Senseless - We’d like to know the same thing.

Mirror Righteous - You don’t know who you are?

Mirror Senseless - No, you idiot, he means how they got here.

Righteous - Oh, yeah, that’s what we meant.

Senseless - This is the Federation starship Celestial. I have a feeling we’ve been pulled into the mirror universe somehow.

Mirror Bios (to Mirror Senseless) - That’s probably due to the little experiment we just did.

Bios (to Senseless) - It probably has something to do with that tricobalt torpedo we launched into the rift.

Mirror Senseless - I suggest we talk more about this, face to face. Beam over to our ship.

Senseless - No, you beam over here.

Mirror Senseless - This is our universe, you beam over here!

Senseless - We’re from the “good” universe, which means we can be trusted. You beam over here.

Mirror Senseless - This could take all day. Fine, we’ll beam over there, just for the hell of it, but I’m taking my security officer with me.

Righteous - Fair enough. We’ll match him with our security officer.

Mirror Righteous - Okay, mirror Celestial mirroring out.

Beep! Viewscreen goes back to showing the other ship. On the mirror bridge.

Mirror Senseless - Sir, you’re having way too much fun with this.


Scene 4 - Transporter room one, real Celestial. Mirror Righteous, Mirror Senseless, and Mirror Genocide materialize on the platform. Senseless, Righteous, and Tener are present.

Mirror Righteous - Who is that?

Senseless - Our chief of security, Lieutenant Tener.

Mirror Righteous - Never heard of him.

Righteous - He’s the no-name you promoted back in Mirror Episode 1.

Mirror Genocide - Ha! In our universe, we never allow no-names to get named.

Tener - Then how did any of you ever get to where you are?

Mirror Senseless - Err... ah... Don’t point out plot holes!

Shortly later, the six officers enter the briefing room. Everyone else from the real Celestial is already present.

Senseless - Okay, we’ve yet to add any drama to this script so why don’t you just tell us how you intend to double-cross us?

Mirror Righteous - We want your ship to add to our growing fleet of Terran Rebellion ships.

Puker - That was easy.

Mirror Senseless - Well, there’s really no point in hiding it, is there? After all, you already expect us to be evil, and there is absolutely no way to stop us from killing you all.

Greaser - He’s right there. I’ve pressed every button in Engineering and I still can’t get us out of here.

Tener - Is that why the warp core is floating just off the port bow?

Bios - Actually, that was me. Sorry.

Mirror Righteous - So as we were implying, you can’t stop us, so just surrender.

Genocide - What if I kill you all right here and now?

Mirror Genocide - You don’t have the guts!

Genocide - I have more guts than you, pal!

Mirror Genocide - Bring it!

Both Genocides raise their phasers and simultaneously fire. The beams meet just above the middle of the table and explode, blowing everyone in the room against the walls.

Senseless - Damn it, we gave you the Defiant, you don’t need our ship too!

Mirror Genocide - ...actually you gave us two...

Center - Huh?

Mirror Genocide - Never mind.

Mirror Senseless - Yeah, well, it broke after 90 days.

Mirror Righteous - Quick! Daring exit! Bzzzzzzzzzt!

The rest of the people in the room just look at him as he spins around in circles pretending he’s being transported. Mirror Senseless taps his commbadge without taking his eyes off of Mirror Righteous.

Mirror Senseless - Mirror Celestial, this is the mirror away team. Mirror transport us back to the mirror ship right now.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt! The mirror crew peoples are mirrorly beamed away.

Dr. Puker - How many times are we going to hear the word mirror? It’s starting to give me an inflammation of the prefrontal cortex.


Scene 5 - Camera is on the two ships.

Righteous - Captain’s log, stardate 435493.3. Here we are, stuck in the mirror universe, in a really corny episode, about to begin battling our alter egos in what will probably end up being a total rip off of the space battle scene in Nemesis. Not that anyone really cares though. Seeing as we have no other reason to start firing phasers, I say we’re fighting in the name of the Prophets. Looks like we’re going to join them soon because Lieutenant Bios said she can’t find any way out of this universe.

Bios - I never said that! It’s as easy as pushing a button!

Righteous - Whatever. So, this will be my last log entry, and should our luck run out, I’d just like to state for the record that the crew acted with bravery and something else that I can’t think of right now, but seeing as the main computer core is about to be obliterated, it really doesn’t matter what I state seeing as no one’s ever going to hear it. End log.

Genocide - The Mirror Celestial is charging its mirror phasers and raising their mirror shields.

Puker - That’s getting really annoying, really fast.

Senseless - Shouldn’t you be in Sickbay?

Puker - We also should have told Starfleet what was happening to us as soon as that rift opened but we didn’t, did we?

Senseless - Fine, stay here, you can treat us when we get dramatically blown across the room.

Center - Um, sir, I’m detecting a large armada of ships approaching at warp 5. They will be here in a few minutes.

Genocide - More targets. Let me at em, sir!

Senseless - By all means, Mr. Genocide, fire at will.

Crappy dramatic music starts playing as the Camera goes out into space and watches the port main phaser strip charge up and launch a stream of ...yeah, yeah, you get the idea. The Celestial opens fire on its Mirror Universe counterpart. The mirror universe ship returns fire and also misses. On the real bridge...

Righteous - Okay, this could get tedious.

Baque - They’re matching our speed!

Genocide - They’re matching our god damned fire power!

Greaser - They’re matching our hair styles!

Center - Oh, you were here?

Baque - See? This is what happens when you don’t have a “who’s here” line in the opening of each scene.

Tener - I’m not here.

Blavik - Nor am I.

Baque - Gee thanks for giving us those confusing tidbits.

Center - Those ships will be in range in two minutes and we don’t stand a chance against them.

Boom, ship rocks, sparks. Genocide suddenly stands up straight and snaps his fingers.

Genocide - I’ve got it! Who here can act?

The rest of the crew sort of look around and shrug. The camera goes out into space as the Celestial rams the Mirror Celestial, resulting in both ships losing shields.

Senseless - Now, Genocide!

On the mirror bridge...

Mirror Senseless - What the hell!

Bzzzzzzzzzzt!! They are all transported away. In their place, the real senior staff, all ten of them, materialize on the mirror bridge and take their mirror stations.

Senseless - Time?

Genocide - Up.

Camera goes to the real bridge. The entire mirror senior staff, all nine of them, are standing around. The camera pans to the viewscreen, which is counting down.

Viewscreen - 3... 2... 1... Happy New Year!

Camera goes out into space and looks back at the real Celestial, just as its bridge explodes and kills everyone in it. Camera goes to the mirror bridge.

Righteous - Was it truly necessary to kill them?

Puker - Of course. Didn’t you see that Stargate episode? Two objects can’t simultaneously exist in the same universe without going through a major plot device.

Tener - But their atoms still exist, so aren’t we still facing the same problem?

Puker - Lieutenant, the author worked long and hard on this. It’s not polite to point out the plot holes.

Genocide - Well, time to clean up loose ends.

As he reaches for the fire button on the tactical console, everyone else yells:

Everyone Else - NO!!!!!!

Genocide - Gah! What? Why not!?

Greaser - Because that ship is worth more than the rest of us combined. Just, I don’t know, hide it or something.

Center - Captain, we’re being hailed by the approaching ships. They are asking if we need assistance and want to know who our current captain is so they can update the ever changing crew rosters.

Senseless - Okay, Ensign, stall them or something. Open a secure channel to the Celestial.

Center - Channel open sir. I have No-Name #1 on a secure channel.

Senseless - Okay, crewman–

No-Name #1 - Actually sir, I’m a lieutenant.

Senseless - Whatever. Take the Celestial and hide it somewhere. We’ll transmit the secret signal when we want you to come find us, or we’ll start a major battle with some powerful ship and you can come rescue us or whatever. Don’t get killed until we get back please.

No-Name #1 - Don’t worry sir, you can count on me. Or on one of the 693 other people on the ship.

Center - Sir, I can’t stall them anymore. Opening a channel.

On the viewscreen, the face of Mirror Janeway appears.

Mirror Janeway - Is there a problem gentlemen? Our scans indicate that you took some damage to your shields prior to winning the glorious battle.

Righteous - Nope. No problems. No siree. Not us. Everything’s–

Janeway - Good. Go help the Second Fleet in their battle against the Alliance at Terok Nor. I’m just going to sit here and drink my coffee, oblivious to the fact that the ship you just “beat” is skulking away at warp 9.94.

The channel cuts.

Genocide - I wouldn’t think Voyager would have existed in the mirror universe.

Baque - Of course it did, didn’t you ever see “Living Witness”?

Senseless - That was close. I guess we’d better set a course for Bajor before they get suspicious.

Righteous - Yes... Bajor... According to this computer terminal I’m looking at right now, the Pah-Wraiths have killed the Prophets and taken up residence in the Celestial Temple. Our best course of action would be to DESTROY THE WORMHOLE!!! BWA HA HA HA!

Blavik - Perhaps, but the most logical course of action would be to put our heads between our legs and kiss our butts goodbye. We are but two ships, one of which is being commandeered, the other of which is being commanded by a no-name, amongst thousands of hostile vessels. We currently have no way back, and no one is willing to help us.

Righteous - What about the Terran Rebellion? They were always a nice group of people.

Genocide hops over the user-definable railing behind the command chairs and slaps Righteous on the back of the head.

Genocide - Idiot! What kind of ship do you think we’re in! A pleasure craft!?! This is a Terran Rebellion warship!

A no-name walks onto the bridge.

No-Name #2 - Here’s the weekly security report, sir–Woah, was there a uniform change that I wasn’t told of, or are you really the crew from the other ship impersonating our dearly departed comrades?

Genocide breaks his neck before he can decide.

Genocide - I suggest we try to blend in. Thankfully, there aren’t any senior officers on this ship so all we have to deal with are stupid no-names.


Scene 6 - Mirror sickbay. Blavik and Bios are crowding around Greaser who is holding a PADD which is displaying the specs for the female uniform, which oddly looks a lot like the one from the Enterprise era.

Greaser - Uh uh. No way in hell I’m wearing this!!!

Puker - Thank god for that...

Greaser - What did you say?

Puker - Uh, ah, I think I saw a rat! Got to go!

Greaser - Okay girls, here’s the deal: We continue to wear what we’re wearing now and if anyone questions it, we just say it’s the latest fashion craze. Nothing works better than making up gossip.

Sure enough, two hours later, everyone on the ship is wearing the same non-revealing outfits that’s kept Star Trek’s rating down for years. In fact, the gossip has spread so fast that it has reached Earth, where Empress Spot is walking down a corridor in her brand spanking new colossal ship, the ISS Litterbox. She passes a group of crewmen who are all wearing the “new” uniform.

Spot - What are you assholes doing out of uniform?

No-Name #3 - Oh we’re in the in uniform, ma’am, it’s the new craze.

No-Name #4 - Yeah, those old, raggy, designs are so two hours ago.

Spot - Who started this?!

No-Name #5 - Lieutenant Commander Greaser of the ISS Celestial.

The no-names pass by and Spot thinks to herself.

Spot - Greaser, Celestial, hmmmm... I think I’d better pay them a visit. Especially considering the recent experiment I’ve had them doing. I probably shouldn’t be talking out loud, but I love to hear myself talk. Me, me, me, me, me, God I love me!


Scene 7 - In the astrometrics lab of the ISS Celestial, which only finds and scans “targets of opportunity,” Righteous, Senseless, Greaser, Genocide, and Puker are standing around looking at a readout for fleet movements in the sector.

Greaser - Has anyone ever dictated how big a sector really is?

Senseless - The measuring systems employed by the Federation are extremely complex and we don’t have time to talk about them. However, a sector is 20 cubic lightyears in case you actually care.

Greaser - Well I did, because this ship’s warp core varies from ours in that the warranty is measured in sectors destroyed, not lightyears crossed.

Puker - Judging by the look of this cool map, it looks like the two major superpowers in the Alpha and Beta quadrants are the Terran Empire and the Alliance.

Senseless - It almost looks like the Terran Rebellion got the boost it needed with the Defiant, and was able to regain its lost power. Guess we have Sisko to thank for our impending doom.

Genocide - So by the looks of this fleet readout, we’re facing almost ten thousand warships that are being operated by both powers.

Righteous - Where’s our Celestial?

Genocide hits some buttons on the console and the screen zooms in on the Opaka-class ship, placing a circle with the text “Ooh! Ooh! Blow this up!” around it.

Genocide - I wouldn’t have been able to find it except that I knew exactly what to look for. Looks like that No-Name managed to get the ship to set down on a planet with a major case of depression.

Greaser - They landed on Ferenginar, didn’t they?

Genocide - ...Yeah...

Righteous - You know, I’d expect the crew to be a little more observant. After all, we did disobey that order to return to Earth.

Others - WHAT!??!

Righteous - Oh I didn’t tell you? Must have slipped my mind. Empress Spot ordered us to return to Earth immediately or be sought out and destroyed. But I don’t like Earth so we’re going to Bajor just like Captain Janeway said.

Senseless - Captain, you really are an idiot.

Righteous - Thank you, I think...

Genocide - I think we ought to get to the bridge on the double.

They all walk to the back of the room and the doors open, revealing seven yellow shirts holding the most deadly looking phaser rifles ever seen.

No-Name #6 - Hello, mirror senior officers!

Greaser - Oh, not good.

Righteous - Okay, listen, there’s been a great big misunderstanding.

Genocide - Crewman, you’re holding that rifle wrong.

No-Name #6 - Uh...?

Genocide - For optimal aiming and minimum effect of kickback, you need to nestle it between your arm and the side of your torso.

No-Name #6 - Ohhh! You mean like this?

Genocide - No, no, here, let me show you.

No-Name #6 gives the compression rifle to Genocide. The other no names are now watching the demonstration for little tidbits on how to stay alive in a fire fight.

Genocide - Like this. See how easy it is for me to pull this trigger and kill you all in a quick, efficient swing of the rifle?

No-Name #6 - Yeah, that does look easie–

BZZZZZZT!!!

The other officers look from the burnt corpses to Genocide.

Genocide - Like shooting tribbles in a quadrotriticale container.

Senseless - Good work, Commander. Let’s go. Something tells me they weren’t just your average mutiny.

No-Name #7 (lying on the ground) - What? I was!

No-Name #6 (also dying) - Shut up and die like the rest of us.


Scene 8 - Bridge. Baque, Center, and Bios are present as Greaser, Puker, Senseless, and Righteous enter.

Baque - Sup, hommie G’s?

Greaser - We are not your hommie’s... although two of our names do start with G.

Bios - Why so panicked looking?

Senseless - I think we’ve been discovered.

Center - Well, that would explain this large, powerful warship approaching us at warp 9.

Genocide - Should I raise shields?

Righteous - What the hell do you think? I’d really like to know, because I sure don’t have a clue what we should do.

Senseless - Arm all weapons.

Genocide - Our weapons are down! Shields are failing!

Center (to camera) - For those of you who are confused, the battle hasn’t started yet.

Senseless - Stop imitating Scotty from the Star Trek: 20th Anniversary Enhanced CD game and tell us why the weapons don’t work.

Greaser - Perhaps I can spill some photons on the situation. Looks like someone cut the ODN relays to most of the bridge systems.

Center - We’re being hailed. Audio only.

Beep!

Spot - This is Empress Spot of the Terran Empire. You have committed an act of war against the Empire and will be destroyed. Die soon and suffer. ISS Litterbox out.

Bios - Litterbox!?! That ship is enormous! We don’t stand a chance!

Senseless - Impossible. There’s no way the mirror universe could even fathom something like that. It’s probably much smaller.

The viewscreen changes to show the ISS Litterbox in comparison to the Celestial. It looks an awful lot like those Dominion command ships or whatever the big ones are called these days.

Senseless - Oh, look everyone! It’s even bigger!

Tener and Blavik enter the bridge.

Blavik - My weak psychic powers that I’ve never mentioned before have alerted me to the situation and I’ve explained it to Lieutenant Tener. Is there any way to defeat the giant amoeba?

Puker - Actually, Ensign, we’re facing a giant warship commanded by Mirror Admiral Spot.

Tener - I told you the amoeba story had been done before!

Righteous - Well, we don’t stand a chance. Time to pray. La, la, blah, blah, Prophets, hallowed are the Ori... Wait that’s not right... DAMN! I can’t concentrate with a great big ship about to be entering weapons range.

Genocide - And speak of the Devil.

BOOM! Ship rocks, sparks!

Genocide - There go the shields...

KA-BOOM! All consoles explode, no one injured.

Genocide - And everything else...

Center - They’re preparing to fire their main torpedo launcher. Ouch time...

Baque (pointing at viewscreen) - Wait! What’s that!?!?

Tener - It’s a bird!

Bios - It’s a plane!

Center - No, it’s the USS Celestial!

Long pause.

Righteous - Think it’s too late to call in a bird or a plane?

The viewscreen changes to show none other than No-Name #1 sitting on the Celestial’s battlebridge.

No-Name #1 - Never fear, the nameless crew are here.

Senseless - Crewman–

No-Name #1 - I’m Lieutenant Junior Grade Joe Lynch! Not a nameless crewman!!!

Baque - Named yourself... big mistake buddy.

Senseless - Whatever. Just beam us back before the ship get’s blown to smithereens.

No-Name #1 - Fine, fine, you sorry excuse for a main character...

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzt! The Celestial senior staff materialize on the battlebridge.

Genocide - You’re relieved, crewman.

Bzzzzt!

Genocide - I love this phaser rifle!

Baque - Okay, the other ship is still pounding the crap out of the Mirror Celestial. They haven’t detected us yet though.

Righteous - Oh, and why is that?

Greaser - My God... These no-names managed to construct a makeshift cloaking device from loose parts lying around the ship!

Senseless - Sheesh, maybe we should leave them in charge more often.

Greaser - I wouldn’t. They needed to use something from the forcefield emitters on deck 2 and depressurised the whole deck.

Senseless - Great. Lieutenant Bios, can you recreate the rift that brought us here?

Bios - I certainly can. Activating secondary deflector for normal use...

Righteous - Why would we want to do that?

Just as he finishes the sentence, the science console sparks and the camera goes out into space. A big bolt of lightening flies out of the secondary deflector (perched between the two hull rams) and opens a rift.

Senseless - Helm, full speed ahead!

The Celestial flies forward just as the ISS Litterbox blows up the ISS Celestial and begins to turn toward the rift. Meanwhile, on the other side, the USS Celestial pops out of nowhere and nearly clips the USS Saratoga. On the Saratoga’s bridge...

Captain Farfetched - Son of a jackass!

Commander Shelby - Where the hell did they come from?

Lieutenant Scratcher - UNKNOWN, MA’AM! THERE WAS A MOMENTARY FLUCTUATION IN THE FABRIC OF SPACETIME MA’AM! WE ARE BEING HAILED, SIR!

Farfetched - On screen...

Beep!

Righteous - Howdy! We were gone, but now we’re back. No harm done, so don’t say jack–

Farfetched - You jackasses gave Starfleet quite a scare. We were sure you’d gone and entered fluidic space or something dumb like that.

Righteous - Celestial out!

Camera goes to the Celestial’s bridge.

Senseless - That was way too easy.

Righteous - You mean getting off skipping the universe with just a warning?

Senseless - No, I mean getting back at all. We’re only three quarters through the episode and we’ve already gotten back.

Blavik - Perhaps we are back so soon so we have more time to face the moral implications of killing ourselves from the mirror universe.

Everyone shudders at the mention of touchy-feely scenes.


Scene9 - Camera is in the Saratoga, on the bridge.

Lieutenant-Commander Garsh - Well, I doubt we’ve seen the last of the Celestial for a while, after all–

Scratcher - UNIDENTIFIED CRAFT DECLOAKING OFF THE PORT BOW, SIR!

Shelby - Shields up! Red alert!

Scratcher - THEY’RE TARGETING THE CELESTIAL!!!

Farfetched - What a bloody shame...

No-Name #8 - Captain!

Farfetched - I know, I know, target their weapons and prepare to fire. Open hailing frequencies.

Scratcher - HAILING FREQUENCIES OPEN, SIR!

Shelby - ...Why don’t you just yell at them they’ll probably hear you across the emptiness of space...

Farfetched - This is Captain Leon Farfetched of the Federation starship Saratoga. Identify yourself and stand down, not necessarily in that order.

Scratcher - THEY ARE NOT RESPONDING, SIR!

Garsh - They’re firing on the Celestial.

Camera goes the bridge of the Celestial.

Righteous - Them again?

Bios - They must have followed us through the rift.

Senseless - I knew it was too easy!

Genocide - They’re opening fire!

Righteous - SHIELDS!!!!!

BOOM!, ship lurches violently, consoles explode.

Center - Decks 1 through 3 have been vaporised! Casualty reports are coming in!

Senseless - Mr. Genocide, return fire! Hit them with everything we’ve got.

Camera goes out into space as the ship launches phasers, photon torpedoes, quantum torpedoes, tricobalt torpedoes, throwing knives, a spoon or two, the kitchen sink, dead no names, lead pipes, a stuffed Elmo toy, Steven Harper, leola root, the entire collection of William Shakespeare, and several other unidentifiable objects. On the ISS Litterbox...

Empress Spot - My God! They’ve got Steven Harper and Elmo! Retreat! Retreat!

No-Name #9 - To where, ma’am?

Spot kills No-Name #9.

Spot - To hell, you sorry excuse for an unpaid extra!

No-Name #10 - Should I open a rift back to our universe?

Spot - What the hell do you think!??!

No-Name #10 - No then?

Spot kills No-Name #10 with her trusty magnum.

Spot - Only remaining no-name! Open a rift! Hurry, before they call in rein–

Boom, ship rocks, spark!

No-Name #11 - We’re under attack!

Spot kills No-Name #11 just for stating the obvious.

Spot - All this senseless killing and destruction... I love my job...


Scene 10 - Camera is in space as the USS Litterbox attacks the ISS Litterbox. On the Celestial’s bridge, the crew are looking at the viewscreen which is showing Admiral Spot in a very bad mood.

Admiral Spot - If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times: DON’T BRING BACK UNWANTED GUESTS TO OUR GALAXY!!!

Righteous - Does this mean we don’t get our op bonus?

Spot - You don’t get paid, you moron.

Baque - Then why the hell do we work for Starfleet?

Spot - Free food, free housing, and an annual company picnic. Get used to it. Spot out. Oh, and get your ass to the nearest starbase and get fixed... AGAIN! My God! Can’t you go ONE F***ING WEEK WITHOUT BEING THE CRAP KICKED OUT OF YOUR SHIP! STARFLEET IS PAYING THROUGH THE NOSE TO KEEP YOU BOZOS IN ONE PIECE JUST SO BAJOR IS KEPT HAPPY AND WE CAN CONTINUE TO USE THE GOD DAMNED WORMHOLE!

Righteous - But you just said the Federation doesn’t use currency!

Spot - WE’RE PAYING IN OTHER WAYS!!! I’VE BEEN WORKING OVERTIME FOR THE LAST YEAR JUST TO FILL OUT ALL THE PAPERWORK REQUIRED TO KEEP YOUR ASSES IN ONE PIECE!!! CATS ARE SUPPOSED TO SLEEP 16 HOURS A DAY AND I’VE BEEN GETTING SIX!!! NO WONDER I’M SO CRANKY, SO NOW I’M GOING TO ROYALLY TAKE MY RAGE OUT ON THIS MIRROR UNIVERSE SHIP AND LEAVE NO SURVIVORS!!! GOD DAMN IT!

Beep! The channel cuts.

Baque - Sooooo...... Starbase 902?

Righteous - Sounds good.

The Celestial blasts off at Ludicrous speed!


Scene 11 - USS Saratoga, bridge.

Commander Shelby - Well I sure am glad we weren’t involved in a fight with a counterpart ship from another universe that had the same abilities as us and was more brutal.

Scratcher - OPS REPORTING, SIR! THE ZOMBIE SHIP IS APPROACHING US AT WARP 4 SIR! THEY WILL BE IN WEAPONS RANGE IN LESS THAN TEN MINUTES, SIR!

Farfetched - You just had to open your mouth, didn’t you?

Shelby - God damn it.

The End


Scene 12 - As credits roll, camera is on Baque, who is sleeping in his bead. All of a sudden he wakes with a jolt.

Baque - Wait a minute! I forgot to kill Ensign Center myself for convincing us to shut down the engines!

He picks up a baseball bat and leaves the room.

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.