Scene 1 - Camera is on a shuttlecraft as it sits next to a big, glowing fountain like thing.
Baque - Personal log, stardate 435507.3. Apparently Starfleet Command believes that there’s no better way to ring in the new year than with a good old shuttle mission to the middle of nowhere to study absolutely nothing of interest. In fact, I’m so bored at the moment, I’ve decided to start keeping personal log entries, which I have never before done. Got to love those holodeck stand-ins!
Bios - It was not boring! That was a particle fountain we were studying! Not exactly a everyday occurrence.
Tener - Oh, it’s just the butt end of a black hole or a pulsar on steroids or whatever. Nothing more. Besides, I don’t see how risking our lives just to look at a anomaly that spits out subatomic particles is exciting.
Baque - What I’d like to know is why we’re here. Why do we need a helmsman and a security officer to study a stupid fountain?
Tener - Well actually, you were sent because particle fountains are dangerous and HQ decided to send one of their best pilots, and I’m here to keep you and Bios away from each other’s throats.
Bios - Why? We’re on good terms with each other.
Tener - Maybe, but 48 hours alone in a shuttle together is enough to put two Vulcans at each other’s throats.
Baque - Has it really been that long?
Bios - No, it’s only been 18. We’ve got another thirty to go.
Baque - Is there anything you might find out about this thing that you already don’t know from scanning it with everything we’ve got for the last 15 hours?
They all look out the front window as the fountain continues to spew out the same things it’s been spewing out for the last two million years.
Bios - You’re right. Screw it, let’s pack up and leave.
Tener - Finally!
Baque - Setting course for the Celestial, warp 5.
Tener - Can’t this thing go any faster?
Baque - No, not really. We’re in a stupid type-9 shuttle for Christ’s sake!
Bios - Well I’m getting some sleep then. We wont be at the rendevous point for what? Another three hours?
Baque - Yeah something like that.
So, three hours later, Bios is poked awake by Tener.
Bios - Are we there yet?
Tener - Yep.
They all look toward the screen. On it, the Celestial is slowing rotating in space, no lights on.
Baque - Figures... they broke the ship again.
Tener - Try hailing them.
Bios - No response.
Baque - Think they could have abandoned ship?
Bios - Maybe, I’m not detecting any lifesigns, but there’s a lot of radiation interfering with the sensors.
Tener - AHHHH!!! IT’S THE ATTACK OF THE RADIOACTIVE MUTANT ZOMBIE No-NameS FROM A PLANET NEAR CARDASSIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bios - It’s warp core radiation, you imbecile! Besides, Dr. Puker made an antivirus to combat the zombies so there’s nothing to worry about anymore.
Tener - No, he didn’t!
Bios - Well, that bluff sure worked against the zombies...
Baque - I’m taking us into the shuttlebay. The doors are on a separate power system and can be opened remotely.
The shuttle flies toward the shuttlebay, but the doors start to close, resulting in the shuttle getting jammed halfway into the bay.
Baque - Well, who didn’t see something like that coming a lightyear away?
Opening credits, and stuff.
Scene 2 - The three Lieutenants walk down a corridor, lit only by the pulsing red alert lights. Each are holding a phaser and a tricorder.
Baque - By the looks of it, they lost all power.
Bios - Meh, not the first time.
They enter lower engineering. Everything is dark, but there are flashes coming from severed conduits and several clouds of steam are spurting out of the base of the warp core.
Tener - That had better not be coolant.
Bios - Even if it, was it wouldn’t matter. The warp core is cold. It looks like it went offline over 14 hours ago.
Baque - Is there anyway to restart it?
Bios - I’m a blue shirt, not an engineer. I suggest we get to the bridge and try to get communications back online. We’ll probably need to call for help anyway, so it seems like a more efficient use of time rather than attempting to blow ourselves up while restarting a cold warp core.
The walk to the other end of the room and exit into another dark corridor. Bios’s tricorder starts beeping.
Bios - Over here!
She runs over to a corpse. The other officers come over and shine their flashlights on the one-legged Breen soldier with a phaser rifle sticking through its chest.
Tener - Bet that hurt a little.
Baque - Did you scan for weapons signatures using the shuttle’s sensors?
Bios - I–uh–Shut up!
Baque - To the bridge.
Tener - I thought the turbolift’s were offline?
Bios - They are. We’ll have to use the Jefferies tubes.
Baque - Aren’t there almost a kilometre and half of them to climb through?
Bios - Hey, I didn’t design the ship this way, but we’ve got to suck it up and deal with it.
Tener - Why don’t we just use the shuttle’s transporters?
Bios - No one ever thought of that before, and I’ll be damned if we’re going to break that massive plot hole now. Open that access hatch over there and start crawling.
Scene 3 - The three lieutenants pop out of a hatch and enter the bridge. Lead pipes and tritanium beams litter the carpet, and consoles are darkened with soot.
Tener - I wonder what happened here?
Baque - Don’t say it! You’ll trigger a flashback!
Beep! The viewscreen activates with the classic movie “5... 4... 3... 2... 1... Beep!” effect.
Over 14 hours ago, Genocide and Center are in a shuttle. Currently, they are arguing about something. Genocide is in the pilot’s seat and Center is standing behind him leaning against the side wall.
Genocide - I don’t care, Ensign! You can’t tell me where to take this shuttle because you’re not in charge of this mission.
Center - Sir, we were told to stay here and keep track of that soliton wave that the Federation Council lost control of a while ago after it barreled through the dispersing station it was supposed to be stopped by.
Genocide - It’s heading off into intergalactic space, who’s it going to hurt? There’s a trading outpost only a lightyear from here. We’re going to take a quick run there and see if they have that new type-19 phaser strip I’ve been hearing so much about.
Center - I want to stay here.
Genocide - Fine.
He stops the shuttle and points toward the hatch.
Genocide - Get out.
Center - You can’t be serious. You’d decompress the entire shuttle!
Genocide hits some buttons and a forcefield engages separating the cockpit from the rest of the cabin. He points again at the hatch.
Genocide - Get out!
Center mutters to himself about not being able to wait until he get’s promoted as he puts on his spacesuit. As he is pulling on his boots, Genocide yells:
Genocide - I’m picking up the Celestial coming in at warp 9.9992.
Center - Looks like they’re in a hurry.
Genocide - Ya think? The massive warping of space around them is interfering with the sensors, but they’ll be here in seconds.
Sure enough, just as he finishes the sentence, the Federation starship drops out of warp right in front of the shuttle and immediately fires a photon torpedo out of its rear launcher. The torpedo hits a Breen ship which drops out of warp a second later, followed by another, and another.
Genocide - They’re under attack from three Breen warships.
Center - Hail them!
Beep! A side monitor displays Commander Senseless’s face.
Senseless - Commander, Ensign, get back here on the double. Use the cargo bays so we don’t have to go back and rewrite the second scene in the story because chances are you’ll crash the shuttle and make a big mess.
Genocide - Way ahead of you, sir!
Camera goes and watches as the shuttle dodges phaser blasts and flies toward one of the cargo bay hatches, just barely fitting inside. The shuttle does a 180, a full barrel roll, and lands on top of a pile of containers. The hatch falls off.
Center - Better landing than most, sir.
He runs out of the shuttle. Genocide gets up and runs headfirst into the forcefield.
Genocide - God damn it!
Scene 4 - Bridge, present.
Bios - So what happened next?
Tener - You know, we’re not even supposed to be knowing what happened.
Baque - Yeah, but we don’t know where to look for the crew. All the escape pods are accounted for, and I can’t find any thing indicating that they’re hiding in a broom closet.
All of a sudden, a closet on the side of the bridge opens and some mops and brooms fall out and make a loud clatter. Tener instinctively fires his phaser and sets one of the brooms on fire. Baque and Tener then look at Bios who quickly pulls her hand away from the Engineering console.
Bios - ...Sorry.
Baque - No problem. Now, I think we’ve seen enough to come to the conclusion that they’ve been taken prisoner by the Breen. Our next course of action is to get back to the nearest starbase and inform Starfleet Command of the situation.
Tener - Wait a minute there, buddy. Who was taken prisoner and made you Captain? This is a tactical situation, which means that the Chief of Security would be in charge. That being said, it’s our moral duty to go save them before they are taken too far into Breen space. Bios, scan for ion trails.
Bios - You’re both being stupid. This ship is in no condition to go after three Breen warships, and we can’t even make it all the way to the nearest Starbase without falling apart. Those new tinted hull plates that Starfleet installed because we keep scratching the paint don’t bond as well to each other. Without structural integrity, we won’t survive the jump to warp speed.
Baque - Okay, we’ll fix the ship, then we’ll go to the nearest starbase.
Tener - No, we’re going to fix the ship, then we’re going to save the rest of the crew.
Bios - Gah! This is why there should always be a higher rank on every mission.
Tener - I outrank you two in this situation.
Baque - I have the most important job.
Bios - I was a lieutenant longer than both of you. I declare I’m in charge.
Baque - Screw you!
Thunder and lightning roll as Bios yells:
Bios - I AM IN CHARGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Baque and Tener - Yes ma’am.
Bios - Now that that’s settled, Toc, get to Engineering and repair the warp core. James, get weapons and shields back online. I’ll handle the nonessentials.
Baque - Good idea on that last one...
Scene 5 - Some Breen prison camp. Camera pans around the dark and stingy mine and settles on Commander Senseless and Lieutenant-Commander Genocide. They are currently digging through some dirt with a small shovel while Genocide is cursing up a blue streak.
Genocide - F**K F**K F**K F**K SON OF A B**CH!
Senseless - Cursing the day you joined Starfleet won’t get us out of here any faster, Commander.
Genocide - The only thing I’m cursing is shoving my only phaser rifle through the chest of some stupid Breen soldier. F**K!
Greaser enters the scene, covered in some kind of engine grease.
Greaser - I don’t even want to hear it! I’ve just been working on some old fashioned, obsolete mine transfer cart for the last 6 hours while some annoying guard stood over me with a weapon pointed at my head the whole time. And just to get the point across, he kept shooting me with the weapon set to its lowest power. My arm is going to be numb for a week!
Genocide - F**K!!!!!!!!!
Senseless - Both of you! Get a grip! Sheesh! Has any of you seen the Captain?
The other two officers shrug.
Genocide - Well, he can’t have gotten far. Best not to think of it.
Scene 6 - Meanwhile, in another part of the complex, Caption Righteous is crawling through some duct-work while humming the theme to Pokémon. His annoying singing has alerted two Breen soldiers and they start blowing holes in the wall Righteous is behind.
Righteous - AHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Breen #1 - Gadslrghaosirhgaildfha;liAHRSAER!!!
Righteous - WHY ARE YOU SHOOTING?!?!
He rounds a bend and finally the shooting stops. Righteous stops and turns around.
Righteous - That was easy!
Clink, clink, clink!
A small, spherical device bounces in and lands next to him. On it is a flashing light.
Righteous - Nope, this isn’t mine, sorry.
Righteous throws the bomb back to the Breen soldier, who catches it.
Breen #1 - UOGOISHGOPISEH!!!
He tosses it to the other Breen soldier.
Breen #2 - DSIHSLEHT OIHISEAHT!!!
He tosses it toward the first Breen soldier and it detonates in mid air.
Bomb - BOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!
Righteous - IEYAH!!!!!!!!!!
He gets thrown along the duct and slides down a shaft, out into the mine, and lands square on top of Dr. Puker.
Puker - Great, it’s raining morons!!!
Righteous - You were the one who said there was radiation entering the ship that was going to kill us all!
Puker - But you were the one who told that stupid no-name tactical stand-in to drop the shields and let the radiation out!
Righteous - Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Have you seen Blavik or ...wait... I know this... Center?
Puker - Both in section 7-Q, or so I was last informed. Shouldn’t we be organizing a resistance? There’s got to be more prisoners than there are guards.
Righteous - Meh, they’re just extras. Only the Prophets can help us now. In fact, I’m counting on a little deus ex machina right about... now!
Nothing happens... Long pause...
Righteous - Um... now!
A freight car full of high tech weapons whizzes by on the maglev track, but neither of them see it go by.
Righteous - Hmm... Okay, this could take a while.
A Breen guard prods him in the back with a weapon and Righteous walks away, now humming the theme to the original Battlestar Galactica.
Scene 7 - USS Celestial, bridge. The lights are back on now and everything looks pretty much as it used to... except that the science console is still in a quadrillion pieces.
Bios - Wow, that didn’t take long at all!
Tener - And to think! All we had to do was get the holo-emitters back online!
Baque - I can’t believe I didn’t think of this sooner.
As he says it, about ten EMH Mark I’s come in and grumble as they put the science console back together.
Baque - Computer, discontinue maintenance program.
EMHs - How flattering.
Bzzzt! The holograms disappear.
Tener - Excellent. Now, Bios, scan for an ion trail, and then follow it.
Bios - Way ahead of you. Set a course bearing 443 mark 654.
Tener - Righto. Engage at maximum warp.
Baque hits some buttons and the viewscreen shows the warp barrier being crossed. Tener glances at the helm console.
Tener - Warp 6? Increase speed to maximum!
Baque - The ship was just hurriedly repaired after a major battle. I don’t want to any faster than necessary.
Tener - Look, I’m no engineer, but I think I know when the ship is strong enough to travel at high warp.
Bios - He’s right.
Baque - Shut up, I’m trying to drive!
Bios - Structural integrity is at 100%. You can go faster.
Baque - I call the shots when it comes to flying the damn ship!
Bios - I’M IN CHARGE HERE! I SAY WE GO FASTER!!!
Baque - I HAVE THE POWER TO GET US ALL KILLED, OR DIE TRYING!!!
Bios - And I have the power to kill you right now! Maximum warp, idiot!
Baque - Go f*** yourself!
Bios hits the throttle control on the helm console herself, but she accidentally throws the ship into full reverse, and every console on the bridge sparks and several actually blow up. The Celestial drops out of warp really quickly and comes to a stop after some sparking of the nacelles.
Baque - Way to go. You just fused 4 warp coils in the port nacelle. Now our maximum speed is warp 2. That sure got us there faster.
Bios - God damn it! Why does everything I touch always break!
Baque - Maybe because you’re incompetent?
Tener - Guys! See? This is why I was sent on that shuttle mission. Now, I know for a fact that ships don’t fly around without extra warp coils. I’m sure there’s a few kicking around here somewhere. We’ll just pull out the old ones and replace them with the new. Piece of cake!
Baque and Bios glare at each other and then get up and leave the bridge through different turbolifts. (Side note: Although the bridge design is very similar to Voyager’s bridge, there are two turbolifts at the back instead of one.)
Scene 8 - Back at the Breen prison camp, Righteous has escaped yet again and is currently sitting in the cockpit of a Breen ship tapping buttons while humming the theme song to Sesame Street.
Righteous - Hey look at this! This ship has authorization to leave the planet!
As he hits some more buttons, an alarm goes off and three Breen thugs come in and start manhandling Righteous around. They drag him back to the mine and dump him in a pile in front of Senseless, Genocide and Greaser.
Breen Thug - Aahisdrtgahoi hasioet asioe!
Generic Prisoner #1 - He says it’s your captain so you keep an eye on him.
The Breen soldier leaves and the generic prisoner goes off to be in some other episode later on.
Senseless - How is it that you’re escaping so easily?
Righteous - Well, what do you expect from someone who has the Prophets on their side?
Genocide - I’d expect him to lead us in his footsteps and get us all the hell out of here!
Righteous - No need to fret, Commander. Help from the heavens will arrive shortly.
Greaser - Well, it better arrive soon. All this dirty air is ruining my skin. And can you believe they have no sonic showers? How am I supposed to survive in this place?
She spies a Starfleet no-name from the Celestial watching her.
Greaser - DID I SAY YOU COULD STOP WORKING!?!?
The no-name looks away and returns to digging pointless holes in the ground in search of dilithium or something.
Righteous - When’s dinner time? I’m hungry.
Genocide - F**K!!! WE DON’T GET A F***ING DINNER HERE!!! IT’S A GOD DAMNED PRISON CAMP FOR F**K SAKE!
Righteous - Well that’s not very nice of them.
Senseless - You didn’t live through the occupation of Bajor, did you?
Righteous - Nope! The Cardassians kicked me out when I was five!
Scene 9 - Some Breen guard shack. One Breen soldier is talking to another who is sitting behind a desk.
Breen #3 (standing) - (Permission to kill the newest prisoners?)
Breen #4 (sitting) - (Why?)
Breen #3 - (Well, their captain keeps escaping, their weapons officer keeps cursing as loud as he can and keeping us up at night, and the guards are more afraid of their chief engineer than she is of them!)
Breen #4 - (Fine. You can kill them tomorrow at 0700.)
Breen #3 - (Why not kill them right now and be done with it?)
Breen #4 - (You just don’t get the whole “Evil” part, do you?)
Scene 10 - Camera is on a comet as it moves through space. The camera pans around and shows the Celestial landed on the far side of the comet. Onboard...
Tener - You know, maybe I should have thought this through more.
Baque - Returning to base sounds good about now, doesn’t it?
Bios - There isn’t enough time to mount a full scale rescue mission.
Baque - Why do we want to save these people again?
Tener - Because if they die, the show will be cancelled.
Baque - And that’s bad how?
Bios - The comet is shielding us from their sensors and providing free travel. All we have to do is wait until the comet comes close enough to the prison moon to use the long range transporters and we can beam back everyone.
Tener - How long until we get there?
Bios - Uh... Hold on.
She goes over to the science console, looks at the readout, and sighs.
Bios - 739 years...
Baque - Well, screw it then. James, take tactical. Bios, take Ops. We’re doing this the hard way.
The Camera goes out into space and watches and the ship takes off, retracts its frozen landing gear, and flies into the system at warp 1.
Baque - If there’s one thing I’ve learned from having to high tail it back to HQ so many times it’s how to drop out of warp with only a metre to spare. The shields are how many metres away from the bottom of the ship again?
Tener - They’re hull tight!
Baque - One metre it is!
Scene 11 - Prison camp. The entire crew are sitting around being poked by Breen guards as they are herded into the meal hall.
Greaser - Thank god, I’m starving!
The crew line up and are handed a small bowl of what looks oddly like Turbolax Surprise.
Greaser - I think I just lost my appetite.
Genocide - Hey, you, with no name! Give us something a little less deadly or I’ll be forced to rip off your arm and eat it!
The Breen soldier just looks at him, then back to the other prisoners.
Genocide - Fine, your loss.
He takes hold of the Breen’s arm and tears it off. Just as the rest of the crew try to stop him, the dozens of other Breen guards raise their weapons. This starts an all out riot between the guards and the Celestial’s no name crew. One Breen climbs on top of a table and fires his weapon into the air.
Breen #4 - aksdfj ajsertakjse rklajse (EVERYONE BE QUIET! FOR THIS, YOU SHALL ALL DIE!!!)
Puker - What did he say?
Righteous - Prophets, Prophets, Prophets, Prophets, SAVE US!!!!
WHAM!!!!!The USS Celestial drops out of warp a half metre from the complex, and its sheer velocity vaporises the top of the colony. On board...
Tener - Dropping ventral shields.
Bios - Beginning transport.
Baque - I doubt we’ll be able to stay here for more than a few seconds before we start getting bombarded from orbit.
Bios - We’ll need at least five minutes to beam all of our people back. The dilithium ore makes getting a lock on more than about five or ten at a time impossible. Don’t ask me how, it’s just a convenient plot device, not a valid scientific fact.
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Tener - I think they’ve found us.
Meanwhile, on the prison moon, the captured senior staff are beating the stuffing out of the Breen guards, all except Righteous who has disappeared again.
Senseless - Where’s the captain?!?
Puker - I don’t know! Maybe he got beamed back to the ship already.
However, it turns out Righteous was not beamed back to the ship and has instead once again escaped and is currently in the cockpit of that same Breen transport he was caught in earlier. This time he is able to fire it up and lift off.
Righteous - So the first clue on my scavenger hunt given to me by the Prophets is a red giant. So where am I going to find a red giant. What is a red giant anyway?
He turns the ship around and spies the Celestial taking a beating from multiple phaser blasts.
Righteous - I know, I’ll ask the computer.
As he pilots the ship toward the Celestial, the three lieutenants think he is a Breen attack ship and open fire on him.
Righteous - NO!!!!!!!!!!
Boom! The ship explodes but somehow Righteous survives and falls, still sitting in his seat with a console in front of him, about twenty metres and lands with a thud in a pile of garbage.
Righteous - Ouch...
Scene 12 - On the prison moon, the senior staff are still corralling no-names into groups of ten for transport. Finally, they themselves are beamed up. A few moments later, Senseless, Genocide, Center, and Blavik emerge onto the bridge.
Senseless - Report!
Tener - She’s all yours, sir.
Baque - And good riddance too.
Bios - I never want to be captain, that’s for sure.
Genocide - F**K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Senseless - It’s okay, Genocide, we’re back now. You can calm down.
Genocide - I’ll f***ing calm down when I f***ing fell like it!!! We’re under attack by Breen ships! IDIOT!
Baque - Speaking of idiots, where’s the Captain?
Senseless - I thought he was beamed up already.
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Center - Computer, locate Captain Righteous.
Computer - He was in a transport which you idiots shot down, you morons!
Senseless - You shot down an unarmed transport when there were two perfectly good Breen destroyers firing at you?
Tener - Oopsie!
Genocide - GOD DAMN IT!!! FORGET ABOUT THE CAPTAIN!!! WE’RE UNDER ATTACK!!!
Senseless - Point taken. Is everyone back?
Bios - Yeah.
Senseless - Then take us up, full impulse. Mr. Genocide, fire at will.
Camera goes out into space as the Celestial takes off and rips off most of the complex from the moon’s surface. The ship begins to attack the Breen ships, which total in number of two. Not sure why, just kinda works that way I guess. The Federation ship makes quick work of the two destroyers, making one wonder how the crew got captured in the first place.
Genocide - Enemies are neutralized, sir.
Senseless - Good. Ensign Center, get a lock on the captain’s signature.
Baque - Hey don’t these ships have energy dampeners or something? Why aren’t they using them?
Senseless - I’m sure there’s a logical explanation, Lieutenant. Ensign, any luck?
Center - I’ve found him, but there’s too much interference from all the weapons fire to beam him up. Transporters are not an option.
Senseless - Sometimes I ask myself: Why do we use so much energy on such a unreliable system. And then it hits me: I have no clue. Genocide, I know I’ll regret this later, but go in and get the captain. Use whatever means are necessary to return him safely.
Genocide’s face lights up.
Genocide - Commander, you really know how to brighten up my day.
Tener - Do you need anything out of the armoury?
Genocide - No, I’m good.
Genocide reaches under his console and hits a button labelled “Press this for fun.” Holographic gun racks appear in the room and then the whole bridge is lit up by the glow from the transporter as it beams about a hundred different weapons onto the racks. Genocide walks over to one rack as The Matrix gunfight music starts. He picks up a TR-116 and its headset from the rack, pockets a phaser, and slings a compression rifle over his back. (The TR-116 is that weird projectile rifle with the micro-transporter that was used by some murderous Vulcan in “Field of Fire,” a DS9 season 7 episode.)
Genocide - I LIVE FOR THIS!!! ENERGIZE!!!
Ensign Center eagerly complies with the armed officer’s command and Genocide is beamed away.
Scene 13 - Righteous has been captured again. The Breen soldiers have shot a universal translator into his brain.
Breen #5 - You will contact your ship and tell them to stand down. If they don’t comply, we’ll kill you. Any funny business, and we’ll kill you. Failure to comply with these orders results in death! So, any questions?
Righteous - Actually, I have one...
Breen #6 - What.
Righteous - Do you people believe in an afterlife?
Breen #7 - What does that have to do with anything?
Righteous - Because I have a feeling you might need to start believing in one in the next two seconds. Because my Gods can kick your god’s ass and take out your race in the process!
Breen #5 - No one refers to our God with a lowercase “G"!!!
He raises his weapon and puts it up to Righteous’s head.
Breen #5 - Die, Starfleet scu–
SPLAT!!! Breen #5’s helmet and head explodes in a mess of watery tissue.
Righteous - Gah!
Breen #6 - DAMN IT!
SPLAT! SPLAT! The other two Breen soldier’s heads are blown off their soldiers. As Righteous is looking at the remains of his captors, the door at the end of the room explodes and Genocide, TR-116 in one hand, compression rifle in the other, scanner over his eye, steps through the seared doorframe.
Genocide - You know, it’s been proven that demolition is the most rewarding job there is.
Righteous - Good to see you, commander.
Genocide spins around and fires the rifle off, most likely killing some Breen soldier somewhere. He unties Righteous and the two officers leave the burning room.
Righteous - And then I said, “My God can kick your god’s ass,” and BOOM! It happened!
Righteous (pointing ahead of them) - Hey, isn’t the only beam-up spot this way?
Genocide - You go ahead, I’ll catch up. I’m not done here and I hate leaving unfinished business. It almost always comes back to bite you in the ass. Remember the zombies? Chester? Admiral Nelix?
Righteous - Okay, well have fun!
As he leaves, Genocide whispers to himself:
Genocide - Oh don’t worry, I will...
Scene 14 - Bridge of the Celestial. Consoles are sparking, no-names are dying, and Center yells out over the destruction:
Center - Sir! I’ve picked up the captain! Is this a week where we can beam through shields?
Senseless - No! But seeing as our shields are ka-put anyway, you should have no trouble. Beam him and Genocide back.
Center - I’ve got the captain in transporter room 1, but I can’t find Genocide anywhere.
No-Name #1 - Um, sir, our aft weapons array is down.
Senseless - Take us toward the planet.
Baque - Woah! I didn’t even notice this moon orbited a planet. Which planet is it?
Bios - Does that really matter right now?
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Baque - I guess not. Changing course.
Righteous walks onto the bridge.
Righteous - Hi guys, did you miss me?
Senseless - Nobody answer that, that’s an order!
No-Name #1 - Where’s Lieutenant-Commander Genocide? I’m tired of being tactical officer.
Righteous - He said he had some unfinished business.
Senseless - And you just let him go?!?!
Righteous - Well, I at least told him to have fun.
Senseless - Oh... my... God...
Scene 15 - Genocide is standing in a corner, a piece of paper in one hand, the TR-116 in the other. With one eye he is looking at the schematics of the facility, and with the other he is scrolling around the place with the headset. He finally comes to a stop while looking at a large cylinder.
Genocide - What happens when a prison moon is shaken by a two hundred gigatonne antimatter blast? That same thing that happens to everything else...
He drops the paper and pulls out a site-to-site transporter. As he clicks the button, he pulls the TR-116’s trigger.
Scene 16 - Sickbay. Puker and Blavik are up to their necks in dying crewmen as the ship shakes around them. Puker, who is operating on a no-name with a melted lung, slices his laser scalpel through the no-name’s spinal cord due to a particularly violent shake.
Puker - Darn it, there goes another perfectly good laser scalpel.
Senseless - Bridge to sickbay, prepare to receive a burn victim.
About a second later, Genocide, burnt to a crisp but somehow still alive, materializes on a biobed. Ensign Blavik goes over and scans him.
Blavik - You’ve got first-degree burns over 99% of your body and your lungs are going to need to be replaced with organically grown ones, a procedure which will cause a great amount of pain. Was it worth it?
Genocide - ...Totally...
Camera goes out into space and zooms away from the moon with the Celestial as the large ball of rock explodes violently, destroying a Breen starbase, about a dozen ships, and a shipyard, as well as bombarding the Breen colony with tonnes of rock and antimatter radiation. Just before the shockwave hits the ship, Baque puts the Celestial into warp and they all zoom away at ludicrous speed.
Scene 17 - Sickbay. Senseless, Baque, Tener, Puker, Blavik, and a patched-up Genocide all leave the room.
Senseless - I’m going to ask how you managed to evade thousands of Breen soldiers and get their facility schematics without being killed, even though I probably already know the answer.
Genocide - I’ve run holodeck simulations of Doom 47, Unreal Tournment 2375, and Wolfenstein 4D, all with the safeties off. What’s a little thousand to one after that kind of off-duty time?
Puker - As I always say, all’s well that ends well. We destroyed a Breen prison moon, didn’t get the ship heavily damaged in the process, and Lieutenants Bios, Baque, and Tener got to find out just why shuttle missions should always have at least three people on them.
The enter the mess hall (for those of you paying attention to what deck they were on, they went into a turbolift while talking, okay?) Greaser, Baque, Bios, Center, Tener, and Righteous are already there mingling with some other crewmen.
Greaser - You know, I’m sure I’ll be corrected soon enough, but I’m pretty sure that was the worst experience I’ve ever had while in Starfleet.
No-Name #1 - Ma’am, with all due respect, shut the f*** up! You bozos didn’t do any work at all down there! All you did was make us do twice the amount of work and make the Breen guards think you were doing it! All you did was provide dialogue and run around looking important, so screw off and shut up!
No-Name #1 leaves the room with dark cloud of gloom following him.
Greaser - Okay, I didn’t see that coming.
Genocide - I’m too impressed by his boldness to kill him!
Greaser - Well, he’s in your department, so you deal with him.
Senseless - Did any of you ever find out what happened to that Breen soldier whose leg I blew off in a firefight on deck 16?
Genocide - Oh yeah, that was the same one I shoved my last compression rifle through. Which reminds me, F**K!
Senseless leaves the two and walks over to the table Bios, Baque, and Tener are sitting at.
Senseless - So, did you three get along well?
Tener - For the most part.
Bios - A few disagreements, but nothing serious.
Baque - We worked it out.
The give fake smiles to Senseless while at the same time hoping they never have to be alone in a shuttle together ever again.
Senseless - That’s good, because we’ve found a two-lightyear long spatial vortex, and I’m sending you three all on a shuttle mission to study it.
Tener, Bios, Baque - DAMN IT! GOD DAMN IT!!