Episode 21: “Interspatial War Games”
Written by Swordtail
Published May 20, 2006
Alright, I know I said I wouldn’t do anymore, but here I am with another episode. This one took over a month to complete and recent events have made me wonder if I’ll ever get another one done. Don’t expect anymore, but who knows.
Computer - Last time, on Star Trek: Celestial:
Righteous - Yay! The war’s over!
Spot - You’re all fired!
Genocide - Jail?
Righteous - Bajor?
No-Name #1 - Muffins?
Species 8472 - Humanity sucks. Go die, if it’s not to much trouble, that is.
Starbase - BOOM!
Ships - BOOM!
Celestial - ZOOM!
Bioships - PWEOOM!
Earth - Ah oh...
Computer - And now the conclusion...
The eight bioships’ super-planet-killing weapon zooms toward Earth. Down on the planet, everyone looks up in fear as a massive biopulse beam zaps toward them. There’s panic in the streets, government collapses, goats learn Latin, the world gets ready to check out of this life, when, all of a sudden, a weird POP! fills space near Earth, and the USS Celestial appears out of nowhere... right in front of the biopulse beam. Onboard...
Captain Competent - Report!
No-Name #1 - Muffins?
The biopulse beam hits the ship, yet for some reason it reflects off. It arcs back along its previous path, reflecting off Captain Picard’s shiny head, back off the Monolith, again off the frozen beer ball, and plows into the central bioship, destroying it so violently the scene had to be cut from the PG-13 release of the episode. When the “CENSORED DUE TO EXTREME UGLINESS” sign disappears, all eight bioships are now nothing more than a cloud of goo. Camera goes to the bridge of the Celestial.
Competent - What happened?
Ensign Center - I don’t know.
No-Name #2 - Somehow, using all that technobabble in the previous episode caused a feedback along the writer’s ability to come up with a plausible excuse for saving Earth. The bioships never stood a chance!
No-Name #3 - Sir, we’re being hailed.
Competent - On screen.
A patched up Fleet Admiral Spot appears on the screen.
Spot - Meow purr.
Competent - I beg your pardon, ma’am?
Spot - Meow purr hiss!
Spot punches the camera and the subtitles finally appear.
Spot - Meow purr (Congratulations on saving Earth. Think you can do it again?)
Competent - Probably not, but we’ll die before we allow Earth to be destroyed.
A Bolian No-Name at the back of the bridge pipes up.
No-Name #4 - F*** that! I’m out of here!
He runs for the turbolift. Once inside...
No-Name #4 - Shuttlebay, and step on it!
The door closes.
Competent - So as I was saying, just point us in the direction of any bioships and we’ll gladly pull some brilliant plan out of our asses.
Spot - Meow (Excellent. Just keep around here for a while. Spot out.)
The viewscreen goes blank.
No-Name #1 - Sooo... Muffins?
Opening credits. Yes, I have a new one in mind, but if anyone wants me to make it they’re going to have to give me a far more powerful computer! This thing has 802 MHz and it’s using all 2 of them.
Scene 2 - Admiral Spot’s office. Ensign Greaser and Ensign Tener come in, followed by Righteous and Lieutenant-Commander Senseless.
Spot - What do you morons want now? I thought I’d seen the last of you!
Senseless - We came in case Starfleet needed our knowledge about Species 8472. Righteous was one of the few who entered fluidic space, after all.
Spot - When I need Righteous’s knowledge, I’ll put a phaser to my head personally. Now get out. I’m waiting on the Saratoga. She’s been in a battle with the Sra’xa’diin and we haven’t heard from her in an hour, not since her subspace communicator gave up the ghost. So I’ll say again: Get out of my office!
The three officers and one civilian leave the room. Outside:
Greaser - Now what?
Righteous - Don’t worry, I’ll think of something.
Tener - I feel better already...
Righteous - Thank you, Ensign.
Senseless - Haven’t changed, I see...
Scene 3 - Ensign Bios is walking down a corridor in the small mushroom like thing halfway down the Spacedock. She meets up with Ensigns Center and Blavik who are also heading in the same direction.
Bios - Hi guys. Long time, no see.
Center - How many stupid clichés are we going to have in this episode?
Bios - Well we’ve just started so... I don’t know. Did you two get the same message as I did? The cryptic one that was written backwards and said “report to docking bay 8?”
Blavik - Yes. Most illogical, but we have nothing else to do.
As the come into a Y-intersection, Senseless, Tener, and Greaser also meet with them.
Center - Let me guess: Docking bay 8?
Senseless - Yep. Any idea what this is about?
Greaser - I don’t know, but weren’t these lower docking bays supposed to be great big greenhouses?
Blavik - During the Dominion War they were converted to bays to hold small ships such as the Defiant class and fighters. They were never switched back. No one wanted to plant those Denobulan man-eating roses again.
They all walk up to a large blast door which opens, revealing Righteous.
Righteous - Good, you’re all here.
Then Baque comes running around another corner.
Baque - What the...? I was told this was supposed to be an ad firm I was seeing, not you bozos.
Senseless - What’s going on, Lee?
Righteous - I thought of a plan.
Baque - Oh boy, here we go... you’re just lucky my transport doesn’t leave for another two hours.
Righteous - I’ve come to the conclusion that since we’re the last people to have positive relations with Species 8472, we should be the ones to fix everything up right. Now, I know Admiral Spot said to butt out of this one, but she’s really busy and we probably shouldn’t bother her with the obvious Prophet-driven plans.
Greaser - Which are...?
Righteous pulls out a large PADD and turns it on, displaying a schematic of the Bajoran wormhole with some weird vortex breaking off from it.
Righteous - We’re going to use the Celestial Temple to enter fluidic space.
Bios - That doesn’t even make sense! A wormhole travels through subspace. Fluidic space is something entirely different!
Righteous - Perhaps, but the entryways are pretty much the same.
Bios - No, they’re not!
Righteous - Look, Ensign, the Prophets told me we could use the Celestial Temple to enter the realm of Species 8472 and I’m not about to ignore them.
Baque - You wouldn’t happen to have been on drugs when this all was said to you, would you have?
Righteous - Only medicinal ones.
Senseless - I’d be all for your plan sir, but how in the fire caves’ name are we supposed to even get to Bajor, much less into and out of fluidic space in one piece?
Righteous - I thought you’d never ask...
He presses a button on the nearby wall and a massive blast door retracts from behind what is now seen to be a window. Inside, are several ships, mostly broken. One however, which is also mostly broken, is the USS Halfass, the Sabre-class ship that the crew used shortly after the first Celestial was destroyed. The crew’s jaws drop when they suddenly comprehend what Righteous wants to do.
Baque - Oh, you have got to be kidding us!
Blavik - Most illogical.
Senseless - Surely you can’t be serious!
Righteous - I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.
Greaser - That thing has been locked up in here for months! It’ll never fly out the doors, much less to Bajor.
Bios - Worst... plan... ever!
Righteous - Earth was nearly destroyed today and no one can find any way to stop our attackers. It’s our moral duty to protect the Federation, and that means coming up with a plan. If you don’t like mine, do any of you have a better one? Huh? Because if you do, I’d really like to hear it.
The rest of the crew stand around looking at their feet and shrugging.
Righteous - That’s what I thought. Now, we have no time to waste. Computer, initiate program Prophets beta 6.
At that command, the eight people are beamed to the Halfass.
Scene 4 - Admiral Spot’s office. She is typing away at a computer terminal when a no-name runs in.
No-Name #5 - Ma’am! Someone is stealing the USS Halfass!
Spot - What!?!?!? Computer, change camera, docking bay 8!
The view on her monitor now shows the USS Halfass flying through the forced-open space doors of the lower docking bays.
Spot - Hail them!
No-Name #5 - We already tried. No response!
Spot - Damn it! Spot to USS Celestial.
Captain Competent - Celestial here. Yes ma’am?
Spot - Someone’s stealing the USS Halfass from the lower docking bays! Go get that ship back!
Competent - Ma’am?
Spot - Yeah, I know it’s not worth the deuterium, but we need to save face with the rest of the Federation. Just do it, okay?
Scene 5 - Bridge of the Halfass. All staff are at their stations. Tener is manning tactical and Blavik is standing around with nothing to do.
Tener - Sir, we’ve got company. The USS Celestial has been dispatched to stop us.
Baque - Well, this plan lasted long. Time to go home.
Greaser - Wait... the Celestial’s fast and we can’t outrun her, or outgun her, but I think we can outmaneuver her. Toc, try to get us between their warp nacelles.
Baque - You mean right in line with their rear torpedo launchers!?!
Greaser - Don’t worry, they won’t fire.
Baque - I hope you’re right.
Camera goes out into space as the Halfass flies up to the Celestial and manages to park between its warp nacelles.
Baque - Now what? They’re starting to turn.
Center - They’ve got us in a tractor beam!
Competent - USS Halfass, lower your shields and prepare to be boarded.
Greaser - Bios, use an anti-polaron beam and target the secondary plasma exhaust.
Bios - Beam online.
Camera goes out into space and watches as the Celestial’s tractor beam, engines, and every window light go offline.
Center - It worked, their warp core and impulse engines are down. Good work.
Senseless - Now, set a course for San Francisco, maximum impulse.
The Halfass flies away from the derelict Celestial. Camera goes to Admiral Spot’s office, where she is talking with Captain Competent, whose face is being illuminated only by a wrist light.
Competent - Anti-polarons got into our warp core. It disrupted antimatter flow and the core shut down. It will take at least three hours to get the anti-polarons out of the core. What I’d like to know is how whoever on that ship knew that the secondary plasma exhaust could be penetrated by anti-polaron beams.
Spot - I think I know... one word: RIGHTEOUS!!! DAMN YOU, RIGHTEOUS!!!
Scene 6 - A maximum security prison in San Francisco. Genocide and his Andorian cell mate are playing poker with some mice.
Andorian - I fold.
Genocide - Me too.
Mouse #1 - Squeak! (YES!)
In a huge explosion that blows them all back against the forcefield, the whole side of the building is vaporized, exposing about 20 floors to the outside world. The USS Halfass floats down to the cell Genocide is in. Out standing on the saucer at the very edge are Tener and Blavik.
Tener - Come on, sir!
The ship nudges up close to the edge of the cell and Genocide climbs aboard.
Andorian - Don’t leave me here!
Genocide - Can you do anything useful?
Andorian - I can kill people in their sleep.
Genocide - Sorry, one homicidal maniac per ship is enough.
The convict and the two officers enter a hatch and the Halfass flies away. Camera goes to Genocide, Tener, and Blavik who are just entering the bridge. Genocide look around at everyone else.
Genocide - What the? Why is everyone here?
Righteous - We needed you so we decided it was quicker to break you out of jail than try to get you parole.
Genocide - Why do you need me? I thought you were just coming to break me out.
Righteous - We’re going on a dangerous mission and we need our best tactical officer at the gunnery chair or whatever you humans call it these days.
Genocide - In this rust bucket? Where are we going? To McDonald’s to pick up some happy meals?
Righteous - Nope. We’re going to enter fluidic space and reason with Species 8472 or die trying. We needed a ship.
Genocide - SO YOU STOLE THE HALFASS!!!???!!!!?!?!?!?! IT’S A PIECE OF SH*T!!!
Righteous - Exactly! Who’s going to miss it!?!
Genocide storms over to the tactical console. His mood brightens when he sees the ship’s armaments.
Genocide - Cool. They left in those Romulan weapons modifications I installed.
Scene 7 - Admiral Spot and Admiral Nelix are reading a letter Righteous left for them to find, explaining what they intend to do.
Nelix - So they stole the Halfass? Idiots. There was a perfectly good empty ship just sitting here waiting to be retrofitted.
He gestures out the window where a dark and abandoned Sovereign-class starship can be seen.
Spot - Well, I suppose they can’t make things worse by trying.
Nelix - I’ll get the whole fleet after them immediately.
Spot - Good idea.
Meanwhile, the USS Halfass is going as fast as it darn well can go trying to get to Bajor.
Bios - You know, it’s occurred to me that since the wormhole has nothing to do with fluidic space, I don’t see why we just don’t do that weird deflector thingy Voyager did, right here and now.
Center - Ensign, it’s not polite to question the Captain’s plans.
Baque - Polite, no. Smart, yes.
Righteous - I’m sure the Prophets will protect us. I think they owe us a favour anyway.
Baque - Approaching Bajor.
Senseless - Take us into the wormhole.
Camera watches as the Halfass enters the mouth of the wormhole. It closes. Five seconds later, it opens again and spits out the Sabre-class ship. Ben Sisko’s voice can be heard booming through the system.
Sisko - ...AND STAY OUT!
Camera goes to the Halfass’s bridge.
Righteous - Okay, we’ll use the deflector thingy.
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I apologize for all that, and now return you to your regularly scheduled worthless crap.
Scene 7 + 1 - Camera is in fluidic space. All is calm. OR IS IT?!?!?! In fact, this time it isn’t. Out of nowhere, a quantum singularity opens and the USS Halfass comes barreling into the nebula-like area. Several beings can be heard to say “there goes the neighbourhood...” and other clichés. Camera goes to the bridge of the Halfass.
Righteous - Report!
Genocide - Ha! You’re not a captain anymore, so I don’t have to follow your orders.
Senseless - Report!
Genocide - Ha! I’m not even in Starfleet anymore so I don’t have to listen to you either!
Senseless - I guess you’re right. Ensign Tener, take tactical please.
Genocide - Fine! Our weapons are operational, shields are holding, structural integrity is at 93% and those bioships coming toward us are in a pissy mood so don’t expect my report to hold up much weight in a minute or so.
Bios - Pfft... Something tells me we’re going to regret not bringing the doctor with us...
Scene 9 - Camera zooms in on a small space station in the middle of nowhere. Then the camera goes inside, where a very bored Dr. Vaughn Puker is sitting around staring at a bunch of screens that say absolutely nothing.
Puker - And just to stress the obvious, I AM BORED!!! BORED BORED BORED!!!
Beep, beep, beep! Beep, beep, beep!
Computer - Federation starship USS Litterbox approaching.
Puker - Huh?
Before he can do anything, he is beamed to the nearby Litterbox, which then promptly warps away. Camera goes to Admiral Spot’s ready room, where Puker materializes. Admiral Nelix, Captain Competent, and Captain Farfetched are also present.
Spot - Ah, doctor, how nice of you to join us.
Puker - I didn’t really have much of a choice. What’s going on?
Nelix - Your former colleagues just couldn’t leave well enough alone. They stole the USS Halfass and entered fluidic space with it.
Puker - Good for them. Why?
Spot - I don’t know, I think they think they can negotiate with the Sra’xa’diin in order to end hostilities or something.
Puker - Hostilities?
Nelix - You don’t know?
Puker - Well, I was on a stupid station in the middle of nowhere surrounded by an ionized cloud of interference looking at star patterns for traces of organic substances in their coronas...
Spot - Species 8472, also known as the Sra’xa’diin by the online community, decided to attack us. They nearly destroyed the Earth but the Celestial stopped it in time. Then Righteous showed up, recruited the rest of your old crew, stole the Halfass, broke Genocide out of jail, and opened a fluidic rift near DS9.
Puker - Why DS9?
Nelix - Well knowing Righteous... I have no f***ing clue.
Puker - So why do you need me?
Spot - You were in fluidic space and you’re a doctor. We’re putting two and two together and guessing you have some detailed scans of that “Bob” fellow you mentioned in your reports.
Puker (laughing) - Yeah! Funny! The Borg thought that too!
Spot - I’m serious.
Puker - Oh... crap...
Spot - Captain Farfetched has agreed to take you back to Earth while the Litterbox meets up with the Celestial to take on a small 8472 task force en route for Betazed. Now, everyone get out.
Scene 10 - Fluidic space. Five standard bioships fly toward the Halfass, followed by a very large bioship (If you have no idea what a Behemoth looks like, look it up. It comes from Star Trek: Armada II). On the bridge...
Righteous - Maybe we should pretend we’re lost. They might leave us alone.
Senseless (dryly) - Perfect idea! What’s the worst that can happen?
Genocide - They’re charging weapons.
Center - Wait! We’re being hailed!
Greaser - I thought they didn’t use subspace communications, or any technology for that matter.
Senseless - Well, let’s find out. Open a channel.
Beep! A member of species 8472 appears onscreen.
Alien - Friends! So good to see you again! You might remember me from such episodes as “Inspections for Dummies” and... yeah, how ya been?
Senseless - Bob, I presume?
Bob - Yep. Long time, no see. Hey, thanks again for saving me from the Borg, and that uptight cat too.
Senseless - Well, we’ve been better I’m afraid to say, but not getting blown to smithereens is a welcome reprieve to this otherwise crappy day.
Bob - Yeah, about that... long story short, we’re being invaded too. But we can’t talk here, someone might intercept the communication.
Righteous - I thought you people didn’t use technology.
Bob - Yeah, but my ship was retrofitted with a subspace communications system we found lying around.
Senseless - If you’re the only one with such a device, how can anyone listen in?
Bob - What is it with bipeds and pointing out plot holes? Sheesh. Prepare for transport. Bob out.
Bios - What did he mean by that?
Then, out in space, that giant ship moves behind the Halfass and swallows the ship between its three weapons prongs. Some kind of tractor beam thingy engages and the six bioships move off in some random direction.
Scene 11 - Briefing room of the USS Saratoga (woot! CBS doesn’t have to build a new set for once!). Captain Farfetched, Commander Shelby, Lieutenant-Commander Garsh, Lieutenant Scratcher, Dr. Puker, and No-Name #5 are present.
Farfetched - I’m about to go against every shred of common sense I have and go help those jackasses we call the former crew of the Celestial.
Shelby - You’re kidding, right?
Scratcher - QUOTING STARFLEET REGULATIONS, SIR! “NO OFFICER SHALL AID IN AN ILLEGAL MISSION FOR WHATEVER REASON,” SIR!
Garsh - Sir, it’s just Righteous! Come on!
Farfetched - Men, you’re absolutely right. But you’re also absolutely wrong. More goes on in Starfleet than just exploring, defending the Federation, and getting poor ratings. There’s a kind of bond you have with other captains. It’s not something I expect you jackasses to understand, but–
Shelby - You owe Lee money, don’t you?
Farfetched - ...Yes, yes I do. So you see, I must repay that debt in any way I can.
Shelby - You don’t have enough latinum to pay him back, do you?
Farfetched - Exactly. Helm girl, set a course for Bajor, maximum warp.
No-Name #5 - Aye, sir.
Farfetched - Good. Now, I expect Admiral Spot will flip when we try this, so Garsh, I need those weapons back online ASAP. Scratcher, make it look like our communications systems are broken so we don’t have to deal with anyone.
Scratcher - CONSIDER IT DONE, SIR!
Farfetched - Dismissed!
Everyone gets up and starts toward the door.
Farfetched - Am I the only one getting some serious déjà vu during this episode? I swear I’ve seen much of these events in some movies somewhere...
Scene 12 - USS Celestial, briefing room. Out the window the Litterbox can be seen. Admiral Spot and Admiral Nelix are talking with Captain Competent.
Competent - Another transfer?
Nelix - Yep. To the USS Random.
Competent - Who is taking over the Celestial?
Spot - No one. She’s being scrapped.
Competent - Why, ma’am?
Spot - Well, let’s look at the facts: This pile of junk has been in operation for about 8 months and has been through more scraps than most ships will get into in their entire lifetime. The maintenance costs are staggering and we’re getting nothing out of it anymore. With this amount of metal we could built two Intrepid-class ships and get much more exploration out of them. As soon as this little problem with the Sra’xa’diin is over, this ship is being sent to the Telsa Prime shipyards for immediate disassembly. Do you have a problem with that, Captain?
Competent - No, it sounds fair enough, ma’am.
Spot - Is there anything else you need before I head off back to–
No-Name #6 - Litterbox to Admiral Spot.
Spot - Spot here, what do you want?
No-Name #6 - Maybe nothing ma’am, but...
Spot - Well?
No-Name #6 - I’m getting a report that the USS Saratoga asked to leave spacedock without authorization and when they were denied by Ops they blew the space doors off the side of the station and plowed right on through the emergency forcefields. Last anyone heard of them they went to warp 9 in the direction of Bajor.
Nelix - You call that nothing!!! This is getting out of hand.
Spot - Wah? Gah! DAMN IT! Are there any ships in range and able to intercept them?
No-Name #6 - No ma’am, the only ship in the area is the Enterprise but they’re under attack by some sort of gas-inducing side dish.
Spot - What about the USS Borg Buster?
No-Name #6 - Currently stuck in episode 7. Some kind of temporal... thing.
Spot - Well, I’ve had it up to here with these mutinous ships! Captain Competent, take the Celestial to Bajor at best speed and destroy the Saratoga’s warp nacelles before they get there. Then go find the Halfass and destroy it. Follow it into fluidic space if necessary, but find a way to stop it.
Competent - Um...
Nelix - Is there a problem, Captain?
Competent - Sir, article 47 beta clearly states that destroying a Federation starship is an act of treason and is punishable by being sent to a luxury resort somewhere in the heart of France for about 4 months–
Admiral Nelix takes his kitty phaser and points it at Captain Competent.
Nelix - I think we can safely assume this bozo won’t be able to help us anymore.
Spot - Agreed. What should we do with him?
Competent - You aren’t Nelix or Spot...
Spot - Well, technically we are, but not entirely.
Nelix - We’re inhabiting their bodies so we can carry out our dirty work.
Competent - What?
Spot - For someone with a brain the size of a grapefruit, you aren’t very smart. We’re symbionts, dimwit. We inhabit a host’s body because we lack a proper one of our own.
Competent - You mean you’re those Trill slugs?
Spot - No.
Competnat - Goa’uld?
Spot - No.
Competent - Schizophrenia?
Spot - NO! DAMN IT! THINK OF TNG! THE WEIRD CRAWLY THINGS WITH THE CONE THINGS STICKING OUT OF PEOPLE’S NECKS!?!?!
Competent - GASP! THAT WAS ONE OF THE WORST TNG EPISODES EVER!!!
Competent quickly taps his commbadge.
Competent - All hands, Code Orange! I repeat, Code–
BZZZZZZZZT!!!!!! Nelix fires his phaser and vaporizes Captain Competent.
Spot - I think it’s time we left. Computer, activate the autodestruct system, authorization Spot pie muffins one one kittie. Silent countdown, set for thirty minutes.
Computer - Destruct sequence activated. The ship will blow up in thirty minutes. There will be no further audio warnings, but you can easily see the status of the warp core buildup from almost any monitor.
Spot - Spot to Litterbox, two to beam back.
Spot and Nelix are beamed away from the doomed Celestial, which is now manned by No-Names, who wouldn’t do anything about the destruct sequence even if they found it in time.
Scene 13 - Somewhere in fluidic space, Bob, the gangster wannabe Sra’xa’diin has just finished telling the crew of the Halfass what the late Captain Competent was told. Camera is in the Halfass’s briefing room.
Senseless - So let me get this straight: Somehow those extra-galactic parasites found a way into fluidic space, implanted themselves into a few of you, and those just happened to be some of your most influential people?
Bob - Yep.
Baque - And to think, this episode started off so well...
Righteous - Um.
Bob - Yes?
Righteous - Oh nothing. I just wanted to say “um.”
Blavik - Perhaps the parasites can be removed.
Bob - Nah. They’ve already caused damage to our genetic integrity. Those infected will have to be destroyed. Ships too.
Bios - Well, is there any way to stop your people from destroying us?
Bob stands still and few seconds later a small jar of green goo is beamed in from somewhere.
Bob - This is what we’ve devised to destroy the parasites. It can be distributed in a gaseous form throughout your ships. Death to the parasites will be almost instantaneous, and the host should survive.
Center - Wow...
Bob - Just a little thanks for saving me from Admiral Nelix, and those Borg too.
Righteous - How do we know it works?
Baque - How do you know it doesn’t?
Genocide - Point: We’ve got nothing to lose. If we instigate a Federation wide Code Orange we can get the authorization to distribute this on every ship. Can this be replicated?
Bob - Sure. No problem. Getting all your ships to take it might be an issue. We simply released it and it will permeate all the way throughout fluidic space but getting your ships to replicate it when there might be insurgents onboard could be tricky.
Meanwhile, Baque has opened the jar and is smelling the contents. He takes a small taste.
Baque - What the...? This is just some Molsen Canadian with green glow-in-the-dark food colouring added!
Bob - Well, we’re on a budget, okay?
Bios - This poses a problem. Canadian beer can’t be replicated easily. It’s volatile and tends to be consumed by the crew faster than it’s replicated.
Bob - But it can be replicated, can’t it?
Senseless - Yes, but not without the parasites knowing about it.
Center - Why don’t we try some American beer?
Bob - Too weak.
Baque - Maybe he’s onto something, though. We have about fifty megalitres of American beer in the Halfass’s cargo hold. If we were to add the right ingredients, it could make a very crappy form of Canadian beer.
Bios pulls out a PADD and starts doing some calculations.
Bios - ...Carry the 12, divide by pi, and log 15... do you have any idea how much alcohol we’d need to add?
Righteous - How much?
Genocide - Well for starters, we’d have to add some.
Blavik - The replicators on the ship would never be able to make the necessary amount.
Righteous - Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t alcohol made by crushing certain types of rocks together?
Senseless - You’re wrong, sir. It’s made by certain organic processes...
He looks at Bob, then at two other Sra’xa’diin in the room, then out the window at a bioship, then back at the canister, then at Righteous who has distracted everyone by slipping on the carpet and falling flat on his ass, then at Bob again.
Senseless - Say, if your ships were given large amounts of sugar or carbs as an impulse fuel, what would the exhaust consist of?
Bob - Hmmmm.....
Scene 14 - The USS Saratoga is poking around the Bajoran system looking for that fluidic rift the Halfass went into.
Puker - Any luck?
Shelby - None. We found the remnants of a quantum singularity but we can’t find a way to open it up.
Scratcher - SIR! LONG RANGE SENSORS HAVE DETECTED THE USS LITTERBOX ON AN INTERCEPT COURSE WITH US. ETA: 1 MINUTE!
Garsh - Someone’s in a hurry.
No-Name #(I’m too lazy to go back and check) aka Helm Girl - Sir, something’s happening to the wormhole.
Farfetched - On screen.
The viewscreen changes to watch the wormhole, which opens and lets out a few hundred bioships. Most head off and jump to warp, but several head straight for the Saratoga.
(Bios (somewhere) - Well, I’ll be... Righteous was right.)
Garsh - They’re charging weapons!
Farfetched - Shields to maximum! Evasive maneuvers!
Boom, small lurch, no sparks.
Farfetched - Report.
Scratcher - A CONCENTRATED BIOPULSE BEAM BROKE THROUGH OUR SHIELDS AND CUT A TINY HOLE IN THE SIDE OF THE HULL, SIR! A LARGE VOLUME OF AN UNKNOWN LIQUID WAS THEN TRANSFERRED THROUGH THE HOLE, SIR!. FORCEFIELDS WILL NOT ENGAGE, SIR! NO RESPONSE FROM THAT DECK, SIR!
Farfetched - Doctor, get down there and find out what’s going on.
So, several minutes later, Dr. Puker walks into a corridor which is soaked in some kind of Canadian beer. Puker goes up to a drunken No-Name. Another No-Name is stuck in the hole, sealing it.
Puker - What the hell happened to him?
No-Name #7 - Look, I swear to hull breach I didn’t know there was a God here. Sue me, alright?
No-Name #7 falls over and later dies from alcohol poisoning. Puker finds a small piece of paper, picks it up and reads it.
Puker - Hm... Puker to Captain Farfetched.
Farfetched - Farfetched here.
Puker - It’s happy hour time...
Scene 15 - The USS Litterbox is hit by a bio-pulse beam in several places. It drops out of warp and starts erratically wandering around the solar system. The USS Halfass comes up and beams aboard an away team to the Bridge, where a drunken Admiral Spot, Admiral Nelix, Captain Spot Jr. and a bunch of extras are puking their guts up all over the walls, floor, viewscreen, and ceiling.
Tener - ALRIGHT, NOBODY MOVE!
Everyone who is drunk simply passes out.
Genocide - I don’t think that will be a problem.
Blavik (the last person I’m sending over) - I shall replicate some coffee and a bucket of ice water.
Genocide - No time. Give me your phaser.
He sets it on the lowest setting and shoots Admiral Spot.
Spot - HISSS!!!!!!! GOD, DO I HAVE A HANGOVER!!!!! Wait a minute... what the hell is this?
She paws a small dead creature that was laying next to her mouth.
Spot - Damn cockroaches, get into everything. What’s going on? The last thing I remember I was blown across the room by a large explosion in the Spacedock.
Genocide - It’s a long story. You don’t remember anything after that?
Spot - Well, bits and pieces... Ah oh... I think I activated the self destruct sequence on the Celestial.
Genocide - Away team to Halfass, contact the Celestial immediately.
Camera goes to the bridge of the Halfass.
Senseless - How come?
Genocide (over comm) - It was set to self destruct!!!
Righteous - AHHH! MY SHIP!! HELMBOY, MAXIMUM WARP!!!
The Halfass jumps to warp 7 or something. Camera goes to the Litterbox.
Genocide - Hello? Hello? Those cheap bastards warped away on us!
Scene 16 - The Halfass drops out of warp and sees the USS Celestial in front of them, safe and sound.
Center - I’m not detecting a buildup in the warp core. They must have found it and deactivated it.
Baque - They’re no-names! Hello?!
Bios - Is now a good time to tell you that I think I might have broken the self-destruct?
Senseless - Not at all. Open a channel, Mr. Center.
Beep! The viewscreen changes to show the bridge of the Celestial. About eight no-names are sitting on the floor playing poker. A paper airplane flies past the camera followed by a bouncing Binky the Mistreated Targ and some phaser blasts.
Righteous - Great. Now I don’t even want the ship back.
Scene 17 - The observation lounge on the Celestial. Present company are Righteous, Senseless, Genocide, Greaser, Puker, Tener, Baque, Bios, Blavik, Center, Spot, Nelix, Farfetched, Shelby, Garsh, Scratcher, Bob, Spot Jr., Admiral Ross, Admiral Janeway, Admiral Necheyev, and a dozen No-Names for good measure. Fleet Admiral Spot is up on top of the podium in the front of the room giving a speech.
Spot - ...And had the crew of the Halfass not disobeyed orders, stolen a ship, disabled a maximum security prison, fired on a Federation starship, and entered fluidic space, we may never have known that the parasites were screwing us all over and could still be at war with Species 8472. So, I hesitantly restore all those involved, including Doctor Puker, to their previous ranks and positions on this ship, which seems to be in need of a new captain anyway. Lieutenant Commander Genocide can spend the remaining 50 years of his prison term under the command of Captain Righteous, which may be a little heavy for a society that doesn’t have the death penalty, but I don’t care. The Sra’xa’diin have been forgiven for destroying thousands of our people and trying to obliterate Earth and will be given all information we have on the parasites. The USS Celestial will not be dismantled as planned and will be sent back out into space on a new mission: One of exploration rather than defence.
As Spot finishes her speech, the camera watches the crew of the Celestial go back to the bridge and take their stations or just stand around looking important.
Spot - ...Which is to explore strange, new, and otherwise dangerous worlds...
Senseless - Ensign Center, contact station ops and clear us for departure.
Center - Station ops says we’re a go for departure.
Spot - ...To seek out new and hostile life, and bizarre and impossible civilizations...
Righteous - Mr. Baque, take us out.
Camera watches as the Celestial backs out of the Earth Spacedock.
Spot - ...And to fight for only what, in the long run, is watch out for that freighter!!!!!--
Spot - DAMN IT!!!! GOD DAMN IT!!!!!