Episode 25: “The Sky is Falling, You Idiots!”
Written by Swordtail
Published December 5, 2006
Scene 1 - As has been done for 40 years in almost every episode of Star Trek, the episode starts with a shot of the ship in space, this time moving at apparently high warp.
Righteous (voiceover) - Captain’s log, stardate 435884.9. First of all, I’d like to inform the audience that the stardates are not the same as those used in the other series of Star Trek. Those actually made no sense and kept changing all the time. These stardates are set up with each Earth year being approximately 1000 stardates with stardate 0 being on July 2, 1946 at 12 noon. Don’t ask me why. Anyway, back to the episode. The USS Celestial is en route to a planet in the Iota Dysalon system, which holds a primitive civilization which up until recently didn’t even possess electricity. Anyway, a Starfleet observational buoy located in orbit of the planet’s sun detected a high frequency something or other and apparently we were the only ship in the area that wasn’t doing anything important so here we are. That’s all I can remember. End log.
Camera goes to the Celestial’s briefing room. All the senior staff are present.
Senseless - How many times did Admiral Nelix explain it to you, sir?
Righteous - Four. Why?
Senseless - Bios, Center, take it from here.
Lieuteuant Bios and Ensign Center get out of their chairs and go to stand in front of the large display monitor in the front of the room.
Bios - A few hours ago, the monitoring buoy orbiting Iota Dysalon detected a short wave high frequency electromagnetic signal coming from the location of the fifth planet in that system.
Center - The buoy was of course set up to receive such signals in the hopes that it may detect when the society on that planet had achieved industrialization. This signal came long before we expected it to.
Bios - The buoy relayed it via subspace to Starbase 85, which decoded it.
Center - It’s a distress call. Someone on the planet is making a general call for help.
Senseless - I thought these people didn’t know about alien life?
Bios - They don’t. The message, being transmitted by some guy, goes as follows:
She taps a button on the monitor. A crackly voice starts talking.
Voice - Please. I am Doctor Vraian of the Suphoria Institute of Astronomy. If anyone out there can hear me, please, you must help us. Our world is in grave danger! I don’t know if you can hear me, or even if you can understand our language, or even if you will receive this message in time, or if the Flyers will win the Stanley Cup this year, but if you do get this, please, help us!
Baque - That was corny.
Righteous - Well seems like a plea for help to me.
Genocide - What about that Prime Directive thing we have? Doesn’t it say we can’t interfere with this planet’s natural development?
Senseless - It does. And it may be that we can do nothing. However, these people somehow achieved radio technology without our knowledge and that could indicate an outside influence. We have to investigate.
Greaser - Alright... but I have a feeling we’ll regret this... again.
Tener - So how long until we get there?
Baque - A few minutes.
Righteous - Then what are we standing around here for? Everyone to your stations!
Puker - Don’t we get to say anything here?
Righteous - Nope. You two get back to sickbay.
Everyone leaves the room and goes either to the bridge and takes their stations or to the turbolift.
Baque - We’re approaching the planet.
Senseless - Slow to impulse.
The ship drops out of warp and immediately lurches violently to the left.
Righteous - Prophets damn it!
Senseless - Report!
Baque - Engines aren’t responding!
Senseless - Bridge to engineering, what’s happening?
Greaser - I don’t know, everything shows the impulse engines are working fine!
The blue-green planet comes up on the viewscreen and starts getting bigger really fast.
Senseless - Get us out of here, warp speed!
Baque - I can’t! We’re caught in some kind of gravity well! The sensors can’t make heads or tails of it!
Bios - It looks like we’re being pulled in two different directions at once. The antigravity thrusters can’t keep up!
Baque - We’re going down, guys!
Senseless - Genocide, shields to maximum!
Genocide - Won’t help it we hit the ground at this speed!
Baque - I’m putting every ounce of power we have into the impulse engines, but I can’t stop our decent!
Center - We’re at 300,000 metres and dropping like a rock!
Baque - F***! I hate this ship! How many f***ing times have we ended up heading for a planet with exponential increments of acceleration?
Senseless - Try to make us a soft landing!
Bios - There’s a large lake nearby. We might be able to land there!
Baque - Better than this mountain we’re heading for. Adjusting course.
Camera watches as the Celestial, engines red hot, barely misses a mountain and plows through the air towards a large lake.
Senseless - All hands, brace for impact.
Camera goes and watches as the Celestial skims across the water and slowly comes to a stop, floats for a minute, then starts to sink, they stops sinking and rolls on one side. Camera goes back to the bridge. Everyone picks themselves up off the floor.
Baque - Mission control, the Eagle has landed.
Genocide - Felt more like a crash to me...
Senseless - Damage report?
Center - Minimal damage to the shields, however the engines have overheated and need some repairs. Looks like we’re stuck here for a while.
Righteous - At least we’re alive...
Senseless - For now. Someone see if you can get the landing struts down and get us level. How submerged are we?
Bios - Everything beneath deck 13 is underwater.
Baque - Which basically means we’re completely visible to anyone who happens to be around for thirty kilometres.
Righteous - What the heck caused us to crash?
Genocide - Toc’s poor piloting job.
Baque - Watch it, buddy. I’ve deactivated the inertial dampeners for less...
Senseless - We’ll worry about that later. Right now we need to find a way to get out of here. Center, you, Baque and Greaser get to work on fixing the engines. Bios, Captain, please join me in astrometrics.
Opening credits... yadda, yadda, la la la that’s enough of that.
Scene 2 - Astrometrics lab. Yes, the hardly-ever-seen astrometrics lab. Righteous, Senseless, and Bios stand around the main console.
Bios - Here’s the solar system. Anyone see anything strange?
Righteous - What’s that white dot in grid C5?
Bios - A stuck pixel, sir. Anything else?
Senseless - That moon looks to be in an awfully strange location. What’s its orbit?
Bios hits some buttons and a big red line appears showing the orbit of the planet’s moon, which is highly oblique and takes it out very far away and brings it very close to the planet at the nearest point.
Senseless - Now that is strange... calculate the gravitational influence of that moon on the place we came out of warp at?
Bios hits some buttons, looks at the results, and turns to the others.
Bios - I think we found our culprit. If my calculations are correct, we should be able to leave safely in a few hours.
Righteous - How often are your calculations correct?
Bios - Uh... That’s not the point.
Senseless - Do you detect anything nearby that might impose danger to the planet?
Bios - Nothing.
Senseless - Bugger.
Tener - Tener to Commander Senseless...
Senseless - Senseless here. Go ahead.
Tener - I think you’d better get up to the airlock on deck 13. We’re got a visitor...
Righteous - Oh no! And the carpets haven’t been cleaned in days! We can’t be seen like this! Tener, tell them to come back tomorrow!
Senseless (shaking his head) - Tell them we’ll be right there!
Scene 3 - Senseless and Righteous walk down a corridor to the airlock on deck 13. Tener and some security guards are standing around an old guy with a backpack. He is obviously a native of the planet with a dumb looking forehead, which by now is the standard, I guess...
Righteous - Hi! I’m Captain Righteous Lee of the Federation starship Celestial. How can we help you?
Vraian - I am Doctor Vraian. I take it you received my message?
Senseless - Yeah, sort of... Um, this is probably a really dumb question but how did you find us, and who else knows we’re here?
Vraian - I was tracking the moon when your ship crossed my telescope. Moments later, I heard a loud crash and figured you’d landed, so I packed up my things and came here. I must admit I never imagined a vessel this large could be equipped for landing on a planet...
Senseless - It’s a long story... best not to dwell on it.
Tener - Wait, telescope? You people have a telescope?
Vraian - Yes, at my observatory some distance from here.
Righteous - Observatory, eh? And just what, prey tell, do you observe there?
Senseless and Tener look at their moronic captain.
Senseless - Stars, sir. Stars.
Rigtheous - Ah, of course.
Senseless - I’m Commander Jack Senseless. If you have anything even semi-technical, I suggest you address me with it.
Vraian - Okay. Now, I assume you’ve fixed the problem and are just dropping by to say hello?
Senseless - What problem?
Vraian - The problem that means certain doom for our planet if left unchecked.
Senseless - Uh... we just got here. Tell us of this problem and we’ll see what we can do.
Vraian pulls some sheets of paper out of his backpack and lays them out on the floor.
Vraian - These are schematics of the orbit our moon makes around our world.
Righteous - Yeah, most moons don’t do that as far as I know.
Vraian - Well, as you can probably imagine, the sheer closeness of the moon at its closest approach moves the centre of gravity of our world a great deal.
Righteous - Sounds like fun.
Vraian - It is! Tonnes of fun! We have a big celebration and stuff.
Senseless - So what’s the problem? Tides?
Vraian - No, they’re manageable. The worst part is that the moon actually skims our outer atmosphere. It’s been doing this for billions of years and the friction, albeit small, has been slowing the moon down. Basically it’s been getting closer and closer.
Senseless - I don’t like where you’re going with this.
Vraian - My calculations indicate that sometime soon, the moon will actually lose its orbit and crash into our world, completely destroying us!
Righteous - Ah oh. How long do we have?
Vraian - Well, I haven’t been able to pinpoint the exact date of impact but–
Bios - COMMANDER!
Bios comes running down the corridor, a PADD in her hand.
Bios - Commander! We are so screwed it’s not even funny!
Senseless - Hmmm, I’d say we have our answer. Briefing room, everyone!
Senseless, Righteous, Bios, and Vraian leave. Tener and his security force start off behind them.
Tener - I have a feeling this is going to be one of those more serious episodes where nothing interesting happens.
NoName #1 - Maybe not, sir. Who knows? Maybe we’ll get some comic relief or something.
Tener - Yeah, right, like comic relief just falls out of the sky on a whim...
Meanwhile, in orbit, the gravitational forces of the moon and the planet are wreaking havoc on the point where the Celestial came out of warp. A temporal portal opens for half a second and Binky the Mistreated Targ pops out, floats for a second, then proceeds to fall over 300 kilometres to the planet’s surface.
Binky - WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
He lands in a large lake not too far from the Celestial. Binky struggles out of the water only to find himself surrounded by a bunch of primitive looking natives with spheres.
Native #1 - Anyone hungry?
The natives all raise their spheres and approach Binky.
Binky - Urg... WHEEEEEEE!
Scene 4 - Briefing room. All senior staff and that Vraian guy are present.
Bios - Okay, long story short, the moon will fall out of orbit and kill everyone on the planet during this pass and will do so within 16 hours. We’ve got that long to either get out of here, or find a way to put it in a more stable orbit.
Genocide - I vote for blowing it up.
Baque - I vote for leaving.
Vraian - I vote for the stable orbit option.
Greaser - Quiet you, you’re not even supposed to be here.
Senseless - Well he is, and he’s asking for our help which basically means the Prime Directive doesn’t apply. How can we put it back in a stable orbit?
Genocide - Using a very large explosion!
Bios - Uh, actually that’s correct.
Genocide - F*** YEAH!!!!
Bios - If we set up an array of explosions at the right spots and detonate them at the right time, we should be able to put the moon into an orbit that would keep it up there for at least another 3 billion years.
Righteous - But what about after that?
Bios - After that this entire system will have been vaporised by the supernova from a nearby red giant star, so it really doesn’t matter.
Righteous - Well then. How much explosives do we need?
Bios - Uh... way more than we have. Assuming we used every quantum, photon and tricobalt torpedo we have, it wouldn’t make much more than a few minutes worth of more orbit time.
Genocide - Well, can’t hurt to try can it?
Bios - Let’s not waste our weapons if we don’t have to.
Genocide - Touché...
Senseless - Is there any chance another ship can reach us in time?
Bios looks at Senseless like he has two heads.
Senseless - Right, this is Star Trek: Of course not.
Genocide - Well the option is clear. We just get the natives to give us every gram of explosive they have and we hope it’s enough.
Vraian - Yeah... about that...
Genocide - Wait, wait, don’t tell me: You’re too primitive to have weapons.
Vraian - Well no, I mean, we used to have nuclear warheads that could pack quite a punch, but our society decided that weapons of mass destruction were unethical so we got rid of them all a few decades ago. Nowadays, we only use weapons for hunting, fishing, and making blockbuster Hollywood movies.
Puker - Just a hunch, but how long have you people known about this whole moon-crashing-into-planet thing?
Vraian - Since the dawn of time.
Genocide - And you did nothing about it... why?
Vraian - Well, some groups claimed that we should keep some nukes around for just these kinds of emergencies but the majority decided that the risk of a large chunk of rock crashing into our world and destroying everything was too slim to warrant thinking about.
Genocide - So by getting rid of weapons that could possibly be used to kill millions of people, you’ve doomed billions?
Center - Now, wait a minute, Commander. I can see the logic in where they’re coming from. Why bother preventing the destruction of one’s society by celestial objects if you’re just going to blow yourself up?
Genocide - Yes, but think about it! The Cold War on Earth? How many of those nukes were actually used to kill people? Hmmm? How many?
Puker - Not counting the radiation from the tests...?
Center - Yes, but that’s only because both sides had them! Mutually Assured Destruction!
Genocide - Well, now it’s Stupidly Assured Annihilation! Sounds smart to me!
Blavik - Are you saying these people should have distributed all their WMD’s among every nation? Some may not have been able to grasp the concept of a nuclear winter.
Tener - No, just give them to the more advanced societies.
Greaser - Now that’s fair to everyone, isn’t it?
Genocide - What’s the only thing that keeps the Romulans and the Klingons from killing each other?
Baque - Pfft, nothing?
Genocide - No, it’s the fact that both know they would utterly destroy each other, resulting in no victors. But, if neither had lots of ships, the Dominion would have conquered us years ago.
Righteous - Maybe with the right spiritual guidance, a society can coexist with big bombs.
Baque - Yeah, and end up like Bajor which reached a level of contentment millennia ago and then ended up being conquered by the Cardassians, who hadn’t reached a level of contentment?
Righteous - Hey, we turned out alright!
Genocide - So now what do we do? Give this society our weapon technology and hope they can build enough in the next 16 hours?
Center - No, that’s not a good idea. We need to do this ourselves.
Genocide - F*** you!
Righteous - Prophetize them!
Baque - HA! Over my dead body!
Senseless - EVERYONE SHUT THE HELL UP!!!
Everyone stops what they’re doing and looks at Senseless.
Senseless - We can debate the moral and ethical implications of what this society did later. Right now we have to figure out a way to save this planet. Now, think people! Think!
Righteous - I think–
Senseless - Shut up, sir.
Righteous - Okay.
Baque - What if we landed on the moon and used our engines to push on it?
Greaser - Too big, wouldn’t do any good.
Bios - Maybe a finely tuned deflector beam could lower the mass of the moon enough that we could use Baque’s idea.
Greaser - Once again, too big.
Genocide - How about tossing everything we have at it, shoot it with phasers, then throw our warp core at it?
Senseless - There’s no guarantee that the warp core’s single explosion would do it. Might just blow a big crater in the side of the moon.
Puker - Evacuate the planet as best we can?
Blavik - That would leave billions behind.
Senseless - Damn. Anyone else have any ideas? No matter how farfetched?
Righteous - Ooh! Ooh! Pick me!
Senseless - Fine, what is it sir?
Righteous - Why don’t we use the warp field makey thingies and the deflector dish and make a big wormhole in front of the moon and suck it off to some other place?
Everyone in the room stares at Righteous with their mouths hanging open.
Baque - I don’t believe it...
Senseless - Uh, Bios, is this possible?
Bios - It would require an enormous amount of power and it would only be open for maybe a few seconds, but yeah I think it might work.
Vraian - Care to let me in on the plan?
Senseless - No, I’d rather not. Puker and Blavik, wipe his memory, pump him full of alcohol, and then beam him somewhere far from here. Greaser, work with Bios and Center to get this weird wormhole thing going and get us back into space.
Vraian - Memory wipe?!?
Senseless - Standard Starfleet policy. Dismissed!
Scene 5 - Binky the Mistreated Targ runs for his life from a bunch of angry hunters. Spears and arrows and bullets and a rubber chicken fly past him as he dodges through trees and across fields. Finally he reaches a small wall. He hops over it and finds himself in a large city, full of people and automobiles. He turns around and sees the hunters fast approaching. Deciding he has nothing to lose, he jumps down into the busy streets and begins running through the traffic. A taxi-like car almost hits him.
Taxi Driver - Hey! Jaywalking’s illegal for a reason, pal!
Binky - WHEE!!!
Binky continues running. As he crosses an intersection, he hears a loud honk and looks to his left just in time to see a large truck coming at him at about 50 kph. Binky ducks and the truck barely passes over him. After the truck is gone he looks up at it and gets hit square in the back of the head by another taxi. Binky flies forward and hits a streetlight, which falls down on top of him, popping open a manhole cover along the way. Spying a way out of the commotion, Binky hops down the hole only to land in the middle of a subway track. Binky looks down the tracks of the dark tunnel and sees lights heading towards him.
Binky - Urg...
Train - HOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!
Binky - WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
Binky takes off as fast as his mistreated legs will take him as the train barrels down on him. Just as it is about to squash him, he rounds a corner and is able to hop onto the platform, just missing the train which slows to a stop. Binky takes a breather as the doors open and a few hundred of the planet’s natives come rushing out and trample him nearly to death.
Scene 6 - Blavik and Puker stand at the windows in the mess hall, looking out over the hull as the Celestial slowly rises into the sky. Senseless walks up, drinking some coffee.
Senseless - You two seem awfully solemn. Normally you’re both peachy. What’s up?
Puker - I have a bad feeling about what we’re about to do.
Senseless - The whole wormhole thing?
Blavik - It was Righteous’s idea.
Senseless - True, but our idiotic captain has a knack for pulling good ideas out of his ass sometimes. I guess it’s why HQ keeps him around.
Puker - Like that time he decided to split the ship in two in order to please both the Breen and Starfleet Command?
Blavik - Or the time he decided to land on the Golden Gate Bridge with a multimillion metric tonne starship?
Puker - Or the time he decided to go to warp with a ship sticking out of deck 20?
Blavik - Or the time he tried to run for Kai and ended up pissing Greaser off so much she destroyed the ship?
Puker - Or that time he tried to make the ship’s phasers reflect off a big mirror and ended up destroying an entire nebula?
Blavik - Or the time he actually took us into an alternate dimension so he could go to hell and please Admiral Nelix?
Puker - Or the time he–
Senseless - Alright, alright, I get the picture. No good can come from this, but what option do we have?
Puker - Give these people warp technology and hope for the best?
Senseless - Um... no. Now, you two get back to sickbay because I have a feeling we’ll have casualties... again.
A few minutes later, Senseless steps onto the bridge just as Righteous walks out of his ready room.
Righteous - I told Admiral Spot about our plan! She was so thrilled she was speechless! Hey, what does it mean when a cat’s fur stands up and they start whipping their tail around?
Baque - Meh, probably some bad kitty litter again.
Bios - Okay, we’re as ready as we’ll ever be.
Senseless - Engineering, you ready down there?
Greaser (over comm) - No.
Senseless - Excellent. Lieutenant, put us in front of that moon.
Bios - I’ve tied the main computer into the deflector dish and it should create an unstable wormhole. The other end will probably be somewhere at the edge of this system. I sure hope these people don’t need their moon...
Genocide - They can have a planet or a moon, their choice. And we don’t have time to put it to a vote.
The moon approaches on the viewscreen, it’s edge clearly being heated by atmospheric friction.
Center - The moon is losing orbit. Impact in 15 minutes.
Bios - Engaging main deflector.
Camera goes into space where the Celestial’s main deflector fires a pointless blue beam at the moon, which opens a large wormhole right in front of it. Camera goes to the bridge where everyone is watching the scene unfold.
Righteous - This is probably the best idea I’ve ever had.
Beep, beep, beep! Beep, beep, beep!
Bios - Son of a—! The wormhole is losing stability far quicker than I expected!
Greaser - Greaser to bridge, we’re getting feedback down here along the deflector beam thing!
Senseless - This does not bode well...
FLASH! The wormhole suddenly collapses with only half the moon inside, resulting in a lot of magma and rock spewing about, right at the Celestial.
Senseless - LIEUTENANT!
Camera watches as the ship lurches around and takes off at full impulse just as an asteroid the size of Nova Scotia barrels through its previous location. Camera goes back to the bridge. Everyone is sitting still thinking of the implications of what just happened.
Righteous - That was still the best plan I ever came up with.
Baque - Amen to that... jerk.
Bios - On a lighter note, although we did rain destruction down on their planet and probably screwed their entire moon-dependent ecosystem, we did manage to buy them a few years of orbit by somehow pushing the remains of the moon into a higher orbit... but don’t ask me how.
Senseless - So they’re out of danger?
Bios - For now, but all we’ve done is bought them some time. The moon will still fall out of orbit eventually.
Righteous - Well, I say we get out of here. Before the USS Litterbox shows up and we have to explain this to Admiral Spot.
On cue, the viewscreen shows the image of a USS Litterbox dropping out of orbit.
Righteous - Well, I didn’t see that coming!
The viewscreen fills with Admiral Spot’s angry cat head. She looks around the bridge at the crew, then over at some random monitor on the Litterbox’s bridge, then back at the Celestial bridge.
Spot - Oh Righteous, my dear friend, perhaps you could tell me why there is only half a moon in orbit and a large stream of debris raining down on this helpless planet?
Righteous - Uh, it’s all Bios’ fault!
Righteous gets up and runs off the bridge.
Spot - See, normally I’d be screaming my head off at you guys, but my vet told me if I keep it up I’m going to have a heart attack so I’ll just stay calm.
Senseless - Thank you ma’am. Sorry about screwing this planet over.
Spot - Oh, don’t worry about it. Now, DRAG YOUR LAZY ASSES TO WHEREVER THAT OTHER HALF OF THE MOON WENT AND PUT THE DAMN THING BACK TOGETHER!!!
Spot ends the transmission by hitting the comm off switch so hard the subspace transceivers on both the Litterbox and the Celestial explode, killing countless unimportant and hardly-seen no-names. Camera goes to the Celestial’s bridge.
Senseless - Helm, set a course for wherever that moon chunk went!
Righteous walks back onto the bridge and takes his seat.
Righteous - You know, if the moon were made of cheese, you could say we “cut the cheese!” Get it? Cut cheese, kinda like you do when you cut store-bought or replicated cheese? Ha ha ha!
Senseless - Yes sir, we get it.
Righteous - Ah, I crack myself up...
Camera watches as the Celestial zooms away from the planet at full impulse.
Scene 7 - On the planet’s surface, Binky the Mistreated Targ is dragging himself out of the subway station onto the street. Everywhere, cars are stopped and people are looking up and screaming, watching the sight of their several-billion-year-old Ganymede-sized moon which is now only half the size. What’s more, billions of metric tonnes of lunar ore are spewing from the quickly hardening core of the moon into the planet’s atmosphere. As the rocks start glowing from air friction, everyone starts screaming and running (Note to self: Insert Armageddon footage here to save money). Binky, being mistreated and overall unlucky, happens to be in the city which is about to be hit the worst.
Binky - Whee! (Translation: I need a new agent!)
Binky starts running as the shower of meteors rains destruction upon the city, killing thousands as the huge rocks plow through skyscrapers and plunges through roads. A gravel-sized stone whizzes past Binky’s tail, just far enough not to tear it off, but close enough for the heat to light it on fire.
Binky - WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
He quickly ducks under a taxi, and lets out a sigh. He then remembers the curse of taxis in films such as Armageddon, Deep Impact, The Core, The Day After Tomorrow, Godzilla, and practically every other high-box-office-earnings Hollywood movie ever produced involving a city being attacked by something.
Binky - Whee! (Translation: I am so f***ing stupid...)
He runs out just in time as a huge Buick-sized rock vaporizes the taxi and hundreds like it. Through shear luck, Binky manages to avoid being hit by anything else and after a few minutes, the meteor shower stops. Camera pans around to look at the devastated city, skyscrapers knocked down, roads and highways torn up, people dead, etc. You get the picture.
Binky - Whee... sigh...
BOOM! Every remaining taxi just explodes for no reason.
Scene 8 - The camera is on the front of the Celestial, which is being slowly covered by a huge shadow. Camera goes to the bridge, where everyone is crowded around the helm station looking at the viewscreen.
Center - Um...
Puker - Errg
Blavik - Fascinating...
Baque - Grrrreeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaatttttt.............
Genocide - Alrighty then.
Bios - Ah damn it.
Camera spins around and looks the viewscreen, which is showing the sun up close and personal, partially being covered by a darkly-blackened half moon.
Senseless - Uh, crew, coordinate with the Litterbox on the moving operation. Do what you have to do. I’m going to my quarters.
Righteous - Why?
Senseless - I have a migraine.
Puker - It might be a tumour.
Senseless - IT’S NOT A TUMOUR!
He hits the “slam door for dramatic effect” button on his way into the turbolift.
Scene 9 - Camera watches as the Celestial and the Litterbox somehow move the charred half of the planet’s moon into the gravitational field of the non-charred half, where they pull themselves together. The moon, which is now oval shaped because of all the internal mass lost, is black on one side and gray on the other with an obvious line where they were split apart. Camera goes to the Celestial’s bridge where everyone is present.
Baque - Well, we tried. Time to go home.
Genocide - I say we use the phasers to char the other half so the whole thing is one colour.
Tener - I’m cool with that.
Righteous - See, had we prayed to the Prophets to grant upon us a stable wormhole this wouldn’t have happened. I told you guys we should have prayed more, but NOOOOOOOO! Prayer is stupid, you said!
Center - I was for it, sir!
Bios - Oh, stop sucking up, you’re not going to get promoted.
Center - ...Oh we’ll see about that... someday... I’m younger than most of you...
Puker - We’re just lucky we didn’t end up doing something that would really screw up these people’s natural development.
Blavik - Indeed.
Spot’s head appears on the viewscreen.
Spot - Okay, I’m through drafting up a formal complaint to send to the department in charge of the Prime Directive. I’ve asked them to remove that part where we have to help if we get asked to. Now, is everyone ready to go?
Righteous - Yes ma’am. Ready as ever.
Spot - I’m still trying my best to stay calm so you guys get off with a warning this time, but if this happens again, it’s to the gallows for the whole lot of you. Kapeesh?
Righteous - Aye, aye, ma’am!!!
Spot - Litterbox out.
Righteous - She’s in an awfully nice mood today, don’t you guys think?
Senseless - Whatever sir. Helm, set a course for–
Righteous - In fact, I think now would be a good time to ask her for that favour I was meaning to ask her for. Ensign Center, reopen a channel.
Spot appears on the screen again.
Spot - Now what the hell do you want?
Righteous - Ma’am, would it be okay if I repainted the ship and declared it a starship of the Bajoran Militia and pledged to destroy any that get in our way?
Spot - Commander Senseless, where does he get these ideas from anyway?
Senseless - I’ve got a team working on that day and night, ma’am.
Spot - Well, keep at it. And Lee? NO!
BEEP! Center’s console sparks as Spot hits the close channel button on her armrest.
Righteous - So, is that a no then?
Senseless - Toc, just get us out of here. Please... before I kill someone.
Genocide - Kill someone anyway. It’s fun. Hey, you there!
He yells toward a no-name at the back of the bridge, who screams and tries to run away, but is struck down by a flying phaser power pack.
Genocide - Heh heh heh, the ‘ol flying phaser power pack... gets ‘em every time...
Camera watches as the Celestial warps away.
Scene 10 - Binky is walking through the streets of the destroyed city. He passes a TV-selling store, which survived for plot-furthering purposes. A news show is being broadcasted.
Newswoman - Following the destructive meteor shower, government officials have said they will be constructing nuclear weapons for the dual purpose of preventing the moon from falling out of orbit and destroying any alien warships that attempt to kill us agin. Although it is unclear how the moon managed to get itself back together, and how one side changed colour, it is clear that our society has been changed drastically with repercussions that will sound throughout the quadrant...
Binky walks out of earshot, half-hoping for a temporal portal to open and take him away from this planet. A guy selling hamburgers walks up to Binky.
Hamburger Guy - Say friend, you look like you don’t belong here! Well, don’t fear, neither do I. I’m an illegal immigrant from a different nation on this world and thus am forced to lie about my life and sell food on the streets made from quality roadkill I was forced to kill myself. However, I know a business opportunity when I see one. How’s about you and I go into show business together? I’m thinking, stand-up comedy! Whadaya say?
Binky stares at the man, blinking.
Hamburger Guy - Yeah, I know, I should be all mad because aliens just trashed half our planet, but money don’t fall from the sky, ya know? Besides, I figure a guy like me and a... weird, hairy, thing like yourself could make millions on Thinway! Come on!!?! Eh?
Binky continues to look at the man, blinking.
Hamburger Guy - Hey, if that frog could do so well, why not us?
On cue a frog with a cane and a top hat dances by, singing.
Hello, my baby
Hello, my honey
Hello, my ragtime gal
Send me a kiss by wire
Baby, my heart’s on fire!!!!
The frog leaves the scene.
Hamburger Guy - Unfortunately, every time someone tries to partner up with ‘em he goes all pissed like and refuses to do anything. Now, about my offer?
Binky - (thinks)
Hamburger Guy - Ey?
Binky - Whee!
Hamburger Guy - That’s the spirit! Come on, I know a guy, who knows a guy, who killed a guy, who knows a guy who can get us onto the stage.
Binky and the hamburger guy start to walk away as the camera stays at the food stand. Just as they’re about to round a corner, a chunk of concrete the size of a double decker bus falls from a damaged building and lands on them both. Luckily for Binky, just as the rock was bout to crush him to the point of death, a temporal portal opened right beneath him and threw him into another story. The frog dances back into view.
If you refuse me
Honey, you’ll lose me
Then you’ll be left alone
Oh baby, telephone
And tell me I’m your own!!!!
Scene circles into black.
Hamburger Guy - Ah... God damn it...