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Episode 29: “Resident Idiocy”

Written by Swordtail

Published April 15, 2007

Scene 1 - Ensign Skippy is walking down a corridor, humming Broadway show tunes and thanking the Lords of Kobol that he’s still alive. Out of nowhere, another no-name yellow-shirt frantically runs by.

No-Name #1 - Ahhhhhhh!!!!!

Ensign Skippy - What’s the matter?

No-Name #1 - Lieutenant-Commander Genocide is sleepwalking again!!!

Sure enough, as soon as he says it, Genocide stumbles around the corner, wearing pajamas and blindly wielding a phaser rifle. His eyes are closed and he’s mumbling something about killing everything in sight.

Skippy - Oh, crap.

BZZZZT!!!!

Ensign Skippy is vaporised as No-Name #1 runs away. He rounds a corner and spots the turbolift where Doctor Puker is waiting for the car, carefully carrying several vials of unknown glowing yellow liquids.

No-Name #1 - Doctor!!!

Puker - What now?

BZZZT! A phaser blast flies by his head and blows a huge hole in the turbolift shaft doors.

Puker - Crap!

He starts to move sideways but No-Name #1 collides with him and they both fall to the floor. The vials Puker was carrying go flying through the hole in the tubrolift and bounce off the wall of the shaft. Puker and No-Name #1 look through and watch as the vials all fall a good six decks and shatter at the bottom of deck 20.

No-Name #1 - What was in those?

Puker - Oh just some nano–

BZZZZZT! No-Name #1 is vaporised and the heat sets Puker’s tunic sleeve on fire.

Puker - Ahh! Burning!

He runs up and starts smacking his burning arm against Genocide, who promptly wakes up.

Genocide - What the hell?

Puker - Fire!

Genocide - Ahh!!! Get away from me!

The fire suppression system finally kicks in and a forcefield forms around Puker’s burning arm as he runs in circles, stopping him instantly and causing him to slump back against the field.

Puker - Oof!

The fire extinguishes and the forcefield disengages, and Puker falls to the floor. Genocide trips over him and smacks his head against the wall. Both officers end up losing consciousness. At that moment, Commander Senseless rounds the corner. He looks that the hole in the turbolift doors, then at a patch of burnt carpet which used to be No-Name #1, then at the smoke filling the air near the unconscious forms of Doctor Puker and Lieutenant Commander Genocide.

Senseless - Screw it. I’m going back to bed.

He turns around and heads back the way he came.


Opening credits, the only part of the show that’s in HD... because the network is cheap.


Scene 2 - Camera is watching the smashed remains of the odd vials as the liquids of two of them slowly mix together. Steam starts to rise from the contact point and suddenly, the entire mixture turns dark green and begins obviously moving toward the wall of the turbolift shaft. It seeps into an air vent and disappears. Camera goes to the briefing room, where the entire senior staff except Senseless, Genocide, Tener, and Puker are sitting around doing very little as usual.

Righteous - So to recap, it’s stardate 435974.9 and we’ve been ordered to deliver some dilithium to a remote Federation colony on the edge of Federation space and then go explore something. Any questions?

Baque - Yeah, why are we three people short?

Then Tener runs in.

Baque - Er, I mean four.

Tener - What did I miss?

Garell - Apparently nothing. We were just discussing the same thing we discussed yesterday.

Righteous - So anything interesting happen? Come on people, we need gossip!

Blavik - The Doctor was working on an experimental treatment for assimilated patients. Does that count as interesting?

Righteous - No, that’s boring. Did anyone watch Hello Kitty yesterday?

Center - I did, sir!

Righteous - Oh good, so I’m not the only one! Someone owes me money!

No-Name #3 (over comm) - Sir, there’s an incoming holocommunication from Admiral Nelix.

Righteous - Route him here.

The glowing holographic form of Admiral Nelix appears in the centre of the table.

Nelix - Report! Are you done your delivery yet?

Righteous - Nope, but we’re almost there, sir. Another few hours.

Nelix - What? You were supposed to be done by now! How fast are you going?

Righteous - You said cruising speed so I looked it up and it says cruising speed is “generally warp six” so that’s what I told the helmsman to fly at.

Nelix - I meant the Celestial’s cruising speed! Get your asses up to warp 8 to make up the time.

Garell - Oh great, that means another week of repairing worn out parts...

Nelix - Shut it, Lieutenant-Commander, I’m in a pissy mood.

Baque - (muttering to himself) There’s something new.

Nelix - I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you, Lieutenant. Someone turn up the gain on the microphone, and turn up the speakers while you’re at it!

Lieutenant Bios starts to open the control panel under the briefing room table.

Nelix - No, I didn’t mean you!

Too late. Bios accidentally jabs a pointy metal tool into the wrong place and the holoemitters short out.

Bios - Oops.

Nelix (voice only) - I should have known... Alright, just get your asses moving faster and get this mission done... God, I can’t believe I put up with this kind of shit! Nelix out!

Righteous - I think he doesn’t like us as much as he used to ever since we helped Chester break out of prison.

Baque - Nah, I’m sure he’s fine. Now, someone tell me where Genocide, Puker, and Senseless are?

Blavik - I’ll go look for them.

She stands up but a no-name over the comm interrupts her.

No-Name #4 - No-Name #4 to Captain Righteous, I’ve found Lieutenant Commander Genocide and Doctor Puker unconscious on deck 14. What should I do?

Righteous - Good question. Ensign Blavik?

Blavik - Take them to sickbay, crewman.

No-Name #4 - Oh wait, Genocide is waking up. Oh, shit! Genocide is waking up! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

Genocide (faintly) - Gah! Assassin!

BZZZZZZZZZZZT!! The channel cuts.

Tener - Why doesn’t our ship detect phaser fire?

Bios - Um... sorry.

Righteous - Alright, chief engineer, get that fixed on the double. Helm boy, speed us up to warp whatever-Nelix-said. Naive Vulcan underling, take the good Doctor and our trigger-happy weapons officer to sickbay and tend to their injuries. The rest of you, find something productive to do. I’ll be in my quarters writing some renewal scrolls and burning them all at once. Any questions?

Baque - Do we have to?

Righteous - Yes.

Baque - Are you sure? Can’t we just say we delivered the dilithium and go on our merry way?

Righteous - Hmmm... I’ll look into it. In the meantime just do what I told you. Dismissed.


Scene 3 - Camera watches as a pool of dark green liquid moves purposefully toward the glowing blue form of a bioneural gel pack. The liquid crawls up the side of the gel pack and touches the connections at the top. Sparks fly and the gel pack turns bright green and tubules sprout out of it and fly into various sockets around the data-junction. Camera goes to sickbay. Senseless, Blavik and Tener are standing around while Genocide rubs his head and Puker lays still unconscious on a biobed.

Senseless - So, what’s the prognosis?

Blavik - When the forcefield engaged around his arm, it send an electrical feedback into his central nervous system. He is lucky to still be alive. He’ll be in a coma for a while though.

Senseless turns to Genocide.

Senseless - And you! No more playing violent holodeck games right before bed.  I’m getting sick and tired of seeing holes blown through the ship and missing persons reports.

Genocide - ...I said I was sorry... geez...

Senseless - Well hopefully, no major harm was done. Still, from now on, you are going to be put into restraints every night.


Scene 4 - Main engineering. The engineering crew are running around trying to keep the ship working while more and more power is being requested from the engines to keep up the higher than normal speeds.

Garell - Check that intermix ratio again, it can’t be right or those lights would be pulsing in sync. You, keep an eye on the reaction frequencies, I’ve had a bad feeling about their closeness to the resonance frequency of the dilithium crystal we put in there yesterday. And someone find out why it’s so damn hot in here!

No-Name #5 - I’m on it, ma’am.

Camera follows the unsuspecting No-Name #5 as he checks some console displays.

No-Name #5 - There’s a power drop happening on Deck 19, near the gel packs that control environmental conditions for the stardrive. I’ll check on it.

Garell - Okay, make it quick.

No-Name #5 hops over to a turbolift and goes down to deck 19, where he enters a Jefferies tube and crawls over to where he can see a green glow coming from behind an access panel.

No-Name #5 - What the hell...

Camera is on his face as he pulls open the panel and nearly shits himself.

No-Name #5 - Holy fu–

An assimilation tubule shoots out of the junction and puts a hole right through his forehead. He drops to the floor, dead as a... no-name redshirt from the original series. More tubules start snaking out of the junction and crawl all over the unfortunate officer’s lifeless corpse.


Scene 5 - Bios and Tener are walking down a corridor heading for the mess hall when the lights start flickering.

Bios - Huh? Something’s broken and I’m not somehow related? I’m not trying hard enough, apparently.

Tener - Must be a glitch. This is what we get for not testing out that auxiliary warp core at high speeds before using it.

Bios - The warp core doesn’t power the lights... weird...

Suddenly the ship jolts to a stop and everyone flies forward. Bios and Tener are thrown a good five metres down the corridor and crash to the floor.

Tener - What the hell!?!

The red alert klaxons go off.

Senseless - Senior officers, report to the bridge.

Tener - This better be good.

Moments later, everyone except Blavik and obviously Puker are on the bridge.

Righteous - Someone want to tell me why my renewal ceremony exploded in my face and went flying into the wall?

Garell - I can’t explain it. One moment all the energy being produced in the warp core was being channelled into the nacelles, and the next it was redirected to secondary systems.

Senseless - How is that possible? Did someone hit the wrong button?

Garell - If they did, it wouldn’t surprise me. The temperature on decks 13 through 20 has gone up to 39.1 degrees celsius and humidity has shot up to 92%. It’s practically ready to rain in Main Engineering. Half my staff have gone home with heat exhaustion...

Blavik - They wouldn’t have it if you didn’t work them so hard.

Garell - Hey, let me run my engine room my way, and I’ll let you run your sickbay your way, alright?

Genocide - 39.1... 92%... where have I heard those numbers before?

Garell - You know, I sent No-Name #5 down to find out why the atmospheric controls were screwing up, and he hasn’t reported back.

Senseless - Oh great, another one bites the dust.

Center - Let’s not jump to conclusions, maybe he’s just playing a practical joke by bumping the temperature, humidity, and pressure up to levels that are only ever seen on–

Genocide - Borg ships!

Bios - Borg? What?

Baque - Ensign, didn’t you say something about the doctor working on a treatment for assimilated patients? How was he testing it?

Blavik - He was injecting nanoprobes into tissue samples and then experimenting on various ways to shut them down. He had been taking vials of nanoprobes to the science lab on deck 14 last night, but they were deactivated and didn’t pose any threat.

Senseless - Is it possible he reactivated them while working down there last night?

Blavik - Not likely, but even so there wasn’t any material in the vials for them to use to replicate; he only had a dozen or so with him. Unless...

Bios - Ah oh.

Blavik - He was also working with some tissue samples from the radioactive mutant zombie no-names from a planet near Cardassia... If the two samples had mixed the radiation in the zombie tissue samples might have been enough to power up the nanoprobes... and provide them with material with which to replicate...

Tener - Are you saying there could be radioactive mutant zombie no-name Borg drones wandering the ship in search of brains to assimilate?????

Blavik - ...It’s possible... but unlikely.

Genocide - James, let’s go.

Center - We’ve just lost sensors on deck 19!

Genocide - Suit up! To battle!

Senseless - Garell, Bios, lock out all command functions and start emitting a warning on all frequencies for ships to avoid us.

The bridge lights start flickering.

Senseless - And for God’s sake do it quickly.


Scene 6 - Deck 19. Genocide, Tener, and several security guards are walking down the dimly lit corridors carrying nasty looking phaser compression rifles, TR-116 projectile weapons, the works. They spy movement from a nearby junction. They round the corner and see a weird-looking Borg drone working on a plasma junction.

Genocide - I see we’ve found our missing crewman. Get him, boys.

The group opens fire with their weapons. The phaser blasts have absolutely no effect but the TR-116’s manage to blow holes through the drone and he falls to the floor, dead.

Tener - Hopefully that was all of them.

The drone starts making weird noises and gets back up.

Tener - Oh, son of a bi–

BZZZZT!!!! The security force changes settings and opens fire with everything them have. Eventually the heat from the phasers and the holes blown in various components by the TR-116’s cause the drone to explode.

Genocide - Damn, that was a lot harder than it should have been. Is everyone okay?

Genocide turns around and sees a black cable coming out of the floor and up right behind one of the no-names.

Genocide - Look out!

Too late again. The no-name spins around and the cable slams him to the floor and pumps him full of an unknown liquid.

No-Name #6 - Oh god, why me!?!?

Tener - Sir? What do we do?

Genocide puts his TR-116 to No-Name #6’s head and pulls the trigger. The no-name’s head explodes.

Tener - For the best, I suppose.

No-Name #7 - Jesus Christ! Borg technology doesn’t do that!

They all turn at a sound and see Borg technology reconstructing the dead no-name’s skull.

Genocide - Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me...

No-Name #6 jumps to his assimilated feet and punches Tener in the chest, sending him flying into a wall.

No-Name #6 - ARRRG!!!!

Genocide - Why!

BANG!

Genocide - Won’t!

BANG!

Genocide - You!

BANG!

Genocide - Die!

BANG!

Even with a bunch of holes blown through his body, the assimilated zombie-fied form of No-Name #6 advances toward the officers. More cables start punching through the floor and slam the other no-names into the floor or walls or ceiling and pump them full of the zombie virus nanoprobes.

Genocide - Lieutenant, I think it’s time we took our leave.

They drop their weapons and break into a run as cables and zombies fly at them.

Tener, Genocide - Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

They run through a door into the turbolift and punch the emergency close buttons. Tener works the controls and the turbolift starts to rise.

Genocide - That was close...

CLUNK! The turbolift stops rising and starts slowly moving down again. The floor starts to buckle downward. Camera watches as the Borg cables that have latched onto the bottom of the turbolift car tug it down.

Genocide - Genocide to transporter room 1, we need an emergency site to site transport! Anywhere but where we are now!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzt! They are beamed away seconds before the cables break the floor off and shoot up into the car.


Scene 7 - Briefing room. Everyone except Puker is present. Lights are still flickering.

Senseless - So you’re telling me that we now have radioactive mutant zombie Borg no-names running around the ship?

Genocide - Worse. The ship itself is being assimilated and is aiding the zombies in infecting more people.

Tener - The damn things are nearly impossible to kill, too! If you shoot off limbs or even their heads the nanoprobes in their bodies just build a one.

Senseless - ...I knew I shouldn’t have gotten up at all today... Alright, we’re going to do the thing that we should have done when the zombies originally tried to take over our ship back in Season 1. Evacuate everyone to the forward section and prepare for starship separation. We’ll move to a save distance, raise shields, target the warp core, and then hope to God we don’t have to beg Starfleet to come get us. Ensign Center, contact Admiral Nelix and advise him of the situation. Genocide, Tener, I want you prepped to go with the largest amount of firepower you can find. No chances this time. And take more qualified no-names with you! Actually... on second thought, just go alone. Alright, dismissed.

Righteous - What are our odds of living through this?

Senseless - Bad.

The lights flicker more.

Senseless - GO! NOW!

Everyone runs to their stations on the bridge.

Senseless - All hands, evacuate the stardrive and prepare for starship separation.

Dumb klaxons go off and the camera watches as no-names frantically try to remember which way to go. Camera goes back to the bridge.

Center - Why am I considered a senior officer if I’m still an ensign?

Baque - Excellent question. Let’s kick him off the bridge and replace him with a no-name!

Center - ...That plan backfired...

Bios - All stations report complete evacuation. We’re ready.

Righteous - Ooh, I always love this part!

Baque - Initiating starship separation.

Loud clunking sounds can be heard as the mag-locks disengage and the ship splits in two. The– okay that’s it, I’m tired of calling it the “forward section.” That just sounds too boring. From now on I’m calling it the command module, or CM for short. Any complaints? Excellent.

Camera watches as the “command module” flies a few kilometres away from the stardrive.

Senseless - Lieutenant Bios, scramble the stardrive’s computer core.

Bios - Uploading the MyDoom virus now.

Senseless - Genocide, Tener, you have a go.

Tener - Righto.

Genocide and Tener enter the turbolift.

Genocide - Deck 4.

The turbolift doors close. The remaining bridge crew sort of look at each other.

Baque - I’ll just be the first to say what we’re all thinking here: How much money do you think we could make if we bet on their survival odds?

Garell - Put me down for 60/40 in the zombies’ favour.


Scene 8 - Genocide and Tener are walking down a dimly lit and partially assimilated corridor carrying compression phaser rifles and covered in power packs and body armour. Out of nowhere, a shadowy figure starts walking with them.  As soon as he speaks, we recognize him from the previous episode as that Section 31 agent.

Agent - So what do you think? Can you beat them?

Tener nearly kills the guy, firing a powerful phaser blast just above the guy’s shoulder.

Tener - Jesus! Don’t do that! Wait, who are you?

Genocide - It’s no one, Lieutenant, you saw nothing. Now, what the hell are you doing here?

Agent - I’ve had more time to analyse these nanoprobes than your unconscious doctor has. Both Borg nanoprobes and the zombie virus have one purpose: To replicate themselves and infect more people. Somehow, they’ve decided to team up and make a kind of cybernetic undead hybrid thing.

Tener - Who are you!?!

Agent - I don’t need to tell you these things pose a serious threat to the Federation. If you can’t stop them, and to be honest I doubt you will, you need to destroy this entire area of space.

Tener and Genocide stop dead in their tracks and look at the shadowy guy.

Genocide - What? How is destroying the stardrive not good enough?

Agent - An antimatter explosion has the heat to destroy organic materials and the electromagnetic intensity to render cybernetic machinery inoperative, but the hybrid cells are immune to both effects. Plus, they’ll probably abandon ship as soon as they realize what’s happening.

Tener - What, so you’re saying blowing up our ship isn’t good enough?

Genocide - How do you propose we destroy them then? There aren’t any stars within light-years, and even if there were, Starfleet wouldn’t let us have any trilithium onboard after what happened last time...

Agent - A level 12 shockwave would only spread them across the entire sector. Only one thing has the ability to break them down at the subatomic level and ensure there is no way any surviving materials could escape the blast wave.

Tener - Ohhhh, this outta be good. Who the hell are you!?!?!?!

Agent - I’ve unlocked a file on your main computers that contains the steps necessary to synthesise an Omega particle.

Tener - WHAT!?!??! No one has been able to stabilize an Omega particle!

Genocide and the Agent turn toward him.

Agent - How do you know about Omega particles?

Tener - Mythbusters. I didn’t know they were real until you mentioned them.

Genocide - The Federation once managed to synthesise a particle, but it exploded, destroying a huge area of space down to the subspace level. It’s now an area of the galaxy where warp travel is impossible. You’ve probably heard of it.

Agent - You’ll be able to synthesize one with readily available materials. However, you’ll be destroyed unless you can get the existing drones and virus storehouses off the stardrive in time.

Tener - This is insane! Who is this guy?

Genocide - He’s just–

The faint sound of a transporter beam is heard and the guy vanishes.

Tener - Damn. Well, so back to our original plan?

Genocide - Chew bubblegum and kick ass? You betcha.

Genocide and Tener raise their phaser rifles and round a corner, spying two Borg zombies working on a plasma relay.

Genocide - Zombify this!

They open fire with their phasers on full power and blow holes through the zombie’s chests. The zombies fall over but then one starts to get up again.

Genocide - I said!

He presses the trigger on a photon grenade and tosses it around the corner. He and Tener duck as fire and debris flies out of the corridor and the whole ship shakes violently. They look around and see nothing but a three deck high hole in the ship where the injured zombie stood.

Tener - What the hell was that set to!?!?!

Genocide - Maximum. I don’t screw around with these things. That’s why right now the command module is targeting Main Engineering with a tricobalt torpedo set to maximum yield.

Tener - Why don’t we tell the zombies that, then?

Genocide - Hey... yeah, so then they can tap into our weapons systems and fire at the Celestial’s aft torpedo launcher, blowing up the primed torpedo while it’s still in the tube. That’s brilliant!

Genocide smacks Tener on the back of the head.

Genocide - Pull yourself together, soldier! We’ve got a job to do!

Zombies - Urggg! Resistance is Urgg!!

Tener and Genocide whip around and blow holes in the bulkhead behind the zombies, resulting in hull breaches which suck the zombies out into space. Tener and Genocide hold onto the “anti-get-sucked-out-of-hull-breaches handles” Starfleet finally got around to installing until the emergency forcefields engage. As they catch their breath two more zombies round the corner and meander toward them.

Tener - Say, sir, do you remember those buttons the older ships used to have which when pressed caused plasma conduits to overload at various locations and kill people standing next to them?

Genocide - Yeah, what about them?

Tener - I know it took forever for Starfleet to uninstall them, but right about now, I wish they hadn’t.

The two officers open fire and blow holes in the zombie’s bodies. They keep firing until the zombies finally fall to the floor, then shoot them a few more times for good measure.

Bios (comm) - Lieutenant Bios to security team.

Genocide - Go ahead, lieutenant.

Bios - Sir, we think we know a way to neutralize the virus-nano probe hybrid... things, but it’s gonna take both of you working independently to do it.

Genocide and Tener start running as the presumed dead zombies start to get back up.

Tener - We’re all ears!

Bios (comm) - Okay, one of you is going to have to flood all the decks with plasma coolant and the other is going to have to use the warp core to release an enormous electromagnetic pulse. Our tests on the samples stuck to your clothes from your first encounter have showed that the combined effect destroys the... things in the zombie’s... bodies... Commander? What are we calling them?

Senseless (comm) - Nano-viroids? Does that work?

Righteous (comm) - I like it! Make it so!

Tener - So you want us to kill ourselves doing this or what?

Bios (comm) - Well, we’ll pull you out with the transporter just in time.

Genocide - Okay, we’re on our way. Oh, in the mean time, search the computer for new files recently added. You’ll find a set of instructions that will let you synthesize an Omega particle.

Camera goes to the main bridge, then at the confused faces of everyone.

Senseless - A what? What’s an Omega particle?

Righteous - Oh, there’s something I’m supposed to remember about those.... Hey, aren’t those the things that go boom and make space non-warpy like?

Genocide (over comm now) - Yes, sir. I can’t tell you why, but we need to detonate one in this area of space to ensure the zombie nanoprobes never escape. If they manage to infect a planet, there will be no stopping them. Not even a level 12 shockwave, for those of you thinking of using one.

Senseless - Woah, I haven’t heard anything about Omega whatchamacallits!

Righteous - Right, only captains and above get to know about them, so don’t go around telling people.

Baque - Blow up subspace? How would we get out in time without warp?

Tener (also over comm) - Apparently, we need to reintegrate the ship and jump to at least warp 8 within three seconds in order to outrun the blast wave as it moves through subspace.

Bios - Commander, I’ve found the file.

Genocide (still over comm) - Good. Garell, load the indicated device onto an escape pod or something and get ready to deploy it. At least two zombies made it into space, and we don’t know what they’ll do when we perform this little plan of yours. Oh, and Ensign Center?

Center - Yes sir?

Genocide - You fuck this transporter last-second beam out thing up and I’ll kick your ass so hard you’ll think an Omega particle detonated right behind you!


Scene 9 - Camera watches as Genocide shoots some zombies, reloads his compression rifle, and then goes back to working on the warp core control panel.

Genocide - Genocide to Tener, ready yet?

Camera goes to Tener, who is messing around with the coolant controls in lower engineering.

Tener - Sir, I’m right below you, no need to use the comm!

Genocide - Whatever. Ready?

Tener - Ready as I’ll ever be. Who knew there was enough of this stuff to flood the entire ship?

Genocide - Release the coolant!

Camera watches as Tener pushes a button, then goes to various locations around the stardrive as warp coolant vents out of the walls and disintegrates all organic material it comes in contact with. As it passes over a group of zombies, the gas clears and the camera watches as the metallic skeletons of them continue to advance toward main engineering. Suddenly, they stop and break apart into millions of tiny pieces. Camera goes to Genocide who is about to push the button which will activate the EM pulse.

Bios - Bios to Lieutenant-Commander Genocide, the surviving zombies have left the ship! They’re coming together into a small vessel just off the port bow!

Genocide looks up and sees a cloud of warp coolant heading his way.

Genocide - Beam us out! Now!

He pushes the button and is transported away milliseconds before the warp core flashes and a blue, implausible field flies through the ship, causing nanoprobes to spark and stop working as they try to leave the ship. Camera goes to the bridge. Genocide and Tener come in and take stations.

Senseless - We got most of them, but the ones that got off the ship have constructed a small craft the size of a shuttle.

Garell - They’re building warp engines! That thing is going to get away if we don’t stop it soon.

Baque - Reintegrating the ship is almost complete, but I honestly don’t think we can jump to warp 8 that fast when we’ve lost so much coolant. The engines will overheat.

Righteous - Is that a bad thing?

Bios - The zombie ship just jumped to warp 5!

Garell - The escape pod has already been launched! If they get any further away the shockwave won’t reach them in time.

Righteous - Ensign, open a channel to the zombie ship.

Center - Channel open, sir.

Righteous - Hey, we have something you might be interested in. Omega particles! What’s not to like?

Senseless - Sir?

Baque - They’re turning around, heading our way at warp 7.

Righteous - Like ants to honey... Read it in a classified book once. Ready, helm boy?

Baque turns back to his station.

Baque - (muttering) Stupid son of a... (louder) Yes sir, I’m ready.

Bios - They’re in range! They’ve locked a tractor beam on the pod!

Senseless - Everyone, now!

Genocide, Garell, and Baque all push buttons simultaneously. In that instant, a tricobalt torpedo fires out of the back of the ship and heads for the Borg zombie ship’s engines. The Celestial’s warp nacelles light up like a Christmas tree as the ship prepares to rip the shit out of itself. Also, the escape pod explodes in a blinding white light. Camera goes several hundred million kilometres away where the subspace ripples created by the Omega particle detonation allow the light to be seen. As the shockwave rips through the space time continuum, the Celestial warps past, its nacelles red hot. Camera goes to the bridge.

Baque - Holy mother of god!

Camera watches as everyone is pushed back against their chairs as the bridge explodes around them.

Garell - The reaction chamber is half a million degrees right now! If we don’t stop it’ll explode!

Bios - Not yet!

Garell - 750 thousand Kelvin! We have to stop!

Baque - We stop now and that subspace shockwave will overtake us. We’ll be trapped here for years without warp speed!

Garell - Better that then dead!

Bios - The wave is dissipating! Just a few more seconds!

Garell - Lieutenant, we’re out of time!

Camera goes to main engineering. A few no-names are running in and taking stations. The warp core’s reaction chamber is glowing white hot and consoles around the room are exploding.

No-Name #7 - Oh son of a –

BOOM! A jet of super hot plasma bursts from the port plasma conduit and vaporises the unfortunate crewman. Camera goes back to the bridge.

Bios - Almost there...

Baque - Warp coils are burning out!

Garell - Core breach in progress!

Senseless - Eject the core!

The camera watches as the white hot warp core drops out of the bottom of the ship and promptly explodes. Camera goes to the bridge where the explosion is throwing everyone around the room.

Baque - GAH! We’re dropping out of warp!

The viewscreen shows the subspace barrier being crossed as the Celestial comes to a dead stop and sort of floats around.

Righteous - What a ride! We should do it again some time!

Senseless - Lieutenant?

Bios - We’ve cleared the subspace shockwave.

Everyone lets out a sigh of relief.

Garell - Either way, we’re fresh out of warp cores, and the nearest discount store is really far away... so someone better get on the phone to Mom and Dad and ask them for a ride home.

Righteous - Okay. We’re going to have to draw lots. Ensign, replicate some straws. The person who gets the short one has to tell Admiral Spot what we did.

Senseless - I’m pretty sure that it’s your job, Captain.

Righteous - My job is to delegate tasks to others.

Puker (comm) - Doctor Puker to bridge, what’s going on?

Senseless - We’ll fill you in later, doctor. Glad to see you’re awake.

Puker - Okay, but could engineering send down a repair team? Someone’s going to have to pry a few of my medical staff out of the ceiling. Haven’t you people ever heard of inertial dampeners?


Scene 10 - All the senior staff are on the bridge and are drawing straws. Blavik gets the short one.

Blavik - Most illogical. Very well, hail Starfleet Command.

Center - Fleet Admiral Spot is responding.

The high ranking feline appears on the viewscreen.

Spot - Why are you guys bothering me? Bug Admiral Nelix, he’s your fleet commander.

Righteous - According to directives, we’re supposed to tell the head of Starfleet about this.

Spot - About what?

Senseless - Ensign?

Blavik pulls a small container labelled Trellium-D out of her pocket, snorts a little, and faces the viewscreen.

Blavik - We detonated an Omega particle to stop a race of zombie-Borg hybrids from escaping and assimilating/infecting the galaxy.

Spot stares at them all for several seconds.

Spot - Hahahaha! You had me going there for a minute! Good one!

No one on the bridge even smiles and suddenly Admiral Spot gets very solemn.

Spot - Are you serious? You detonated an Omega particle?

Senseless - Yes, ma’am. We really didn’t have a choice.

Spot - ...And where did you get the information necessary to synthesize one?

Righteous - It magically appeared in our computers, ma’am.

Spot - ...If you’ll all excuse me for a minute...

The channel cuts.

Righteous - What do you suppose that was all about?

Bios - Think she’s mad?

Baque - Considering she didn’t even ask for details, I’m guessing yes.

The ship starts to shake. The shaking gets worse and suddenly the crew can hear a very loud sound.

Spot - Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Spot appears on the main viewer again.

Spot - Okay, I’m better now. So, um, yeah I guess just get to the nearest starbase and get repaired or whatever.

Senseless - Actually, we need a ship sent to tow us back.

Spot - Sure, sure, it’ll be there in a few hours. As soon as you’re all feeling up to it, I want you to get back out into space and shove your noses where they don’t belong and explore something. Spot out.

The screen goes back to showing space.

Genocide - Did that just happen?

Tener - Why is she being so nice?

Senseless - Because her anger has become so intense it’s gone around the universe and come back to where it was from the opposite direction, thus appearing to us as if she is pleased. I doubt we’ve seen the full fallout from this little mishap of ours... Only time will tell...


Scene 11 - Admiral Spot is in her office in San Francisco. A bunch of important-looking admirals are milling around and Spot is giving them orders.

Spot - Alright and lastly, I want you to rename the new region of untraversable space as “Lee’s Blunder.” Dismissed.

The admirals leave the room and Spot looks down at the 30 kiloquad report she has to fill out.

Spot - (sigh) - God damn it, Righteous...

The End

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.