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Episode 32: “Rapid Descent, Part II”

Written by Swordtail

Published May 23, 2007

Previously, on the worst Star Trek series since Enterprise:

Read “Rapid Decent, Part I”

And now:

Scene 1 - Camera is moving through San Francisco, Earth, as Gorn and Breen troops march down the streets and Gorn destroyers fly overhead. Civilians just shrug and move indoors, by now used to the ever-changing government. Chester, surrounded by a bunch of Breen thugs, marches proudly into the Federation Council chamber and hops up on the President’s desk.

Chester - Ah... the sweet taste of victory.

Henchman #1 - I wouldn’t call it a total victory, my lord. The Klingons still haven’t surrendered, and our sources say they might never cave in. Also, tens of thousands of Federation, Romulan, and Cardassian starships have failed to stand down as ordered, and most have simply vanished.

Chester - Oh, don’t be a spoilsport. Now, send in the good Fleet Admiral Spot, so I can gloat some more.

Henchman #2 - At once, your furriness.

Henchman #2, a Gorn, goes out and comes in dragging Spot by a leash.

Spot - Hiss!!! Release me you overgrown iguana!

Chester - Now madam, that’s no way to treat your new superiors, is it? Victory is mine!

Spot - Oh, go—

Chester - Enough, throw her into the cell. I have work to attend to.

A biting and scratching Spot is dragged from the room, while Chester laughs evilly.


Scene 2 - Camera watches as the USS Celestial, USS Saratoga, USS Citadel, and USS Litterbox all dock at a small and very old-looking station in a nebula somewhere.

Righteous - Captain’s log, stardate 436073.1. It’s been almost three days since that annoying cat took over the Federation, without so much as firing a shot–

Genocide - I call the destruction of twenty three starbases and a planet a “shot"—

Righteous - —And already we’ve formed a resistance. Our first concern is saving Bajor, of course, but we also need to save Earth, Romulus, Cardassia, and whatever planet the Klingons call home these days. End log.

Camera goes to the station. Captain Castanea of the Citadel and her NoName second in command, Captain Farfetched and Commander Shelby of the Saratoga, and Captain Righteous and Commander Senseless of the Celestial all enter a room.

Senseless - So we all know why we’re here.

Farfetched - Because we hate that jackass of a feline that took over our beloved society!

Righteous - And they threatened Bajor!

NoName Commander - Well, we can’t exactly do anything without risking Earth.

Righteous - Or Bajor!

Shelby - Commander Senseless, you mentioned you had discovered the location the weapons were built at?

Senseless - Right. Turns out the Orion Syndicate didn’t make them; they just stole them. We’ve left Lieutenant Bios, Lieutenant-Commander Garell, Ensign Blavik, and Logic Man—

Shelby - Oh, not him again...

Senseless - —in sector 553 or wherever it was to try to find a way to neutralize these devices. Then we can mount an all out attack on–

Captain Spot Jr., another cat, materializes in the room.

Spot Jr. - Sorry I’m late! What did I miss?

Senseless - Nothing important. Now, we believe the destruction of Bajor by an inversion beam would destabilise the wormhole, preventing the Dominion from coming in and ruining Chester’s little party.

Righteous - Therefore, we will go to Bajor and disable the device there.

Senseless - If we’re successful, we’ll relay the instructions on a highly encrypted emergency band which Chester and the Syndicate aren’t likely to know about. If we’re not successful, at least you’ll know what not to do when you try again.

Righteous - Yeah... Hey, wait a minute!

Farfetched - We can all agree that in the likely event one or more of us is captured, this meeting never took place, right?

Castanea - Gotcha. Now, while the Celestial is busy using Bajor as a lab rat, I’ll take the Citadel and run interference around the Gorn border. If it’s one thing we’re good at, it’s being marauders. After all, we were doing it for almost a month. And, it’s pretty much the only noteworthy thing we’ve done in two years.

Farfetched - Weren’t you jackasses also high on super-weed at the time?

Castanea - Yes... but that’s not the point.

Farfetched - How could you possibly remember what you did?

Castanea - We’ll wing it.

Farfetched - Fair enough. We’ll take the Saratoga and go protect your team in sector 553, Jack.

Senseless - Okay, but try not to make it too obvious what you’re doing there.

Farfetched - Don’t worry, I have a plan... it involves hiding.

Spot Jr. - Well... I suppose I should do something too... How about I go around with the Litterbox and try to round up some ships for the final assault?

Righteous - Whatever works. Now, commander, to Bajor!

Senseless - This is going to be a long trip... good luck, everyone.

Everyone leaves.

NoName Commander - What was the point of this meeting? If we already have a secure communications line, why did we need to meet in person?

Castanea - Shut up, it’s not polite to question the writer’s many plot holes.


Opening credits. Better late than never, I suppose... I can’t speak for everyone, but I always go and get food whenever they come on. Yay, bagels! It’s like eating six slices of bread with only a third of the work involved!


Scene 3 - Katrell Eden’s research laboratory. Ensign Blavik, Logic Man, Lieutenant-Commander Garell, Lieutenant Bios, and a NoName security guard are standing around trying to figure out how to defuse the antimatter inversion bombs. (Okay, it’s a stupid name, but I was pressed for time!)

Garell - ...I’m going to ask the question which has been bugging me for hours: Ensign, why are you here?

Blavik - Commander Senseless felt it best to leave a Vulcan officer as an intermediator between your irrational behaviour and Logic Man’s logical professionalism. He felt it was best for all concerned if I did damage control.

Logic Man - Most logical.

Garell - Do you actually do anything or do you just bug other people while they do stuff?

Logic Man - Well, as we speak Binky the Mistreated Targ is doing reconnaissance to determine the strength of the enemy forces.

Garell (muttering) - Should have killed that targ when we had the chance...

Blavik - We’ve had the chance plenty of times, and we’ve tried. That targ seems invincible.

Logic Man - Why do you think I hired him?

Garell - Bios, for the love of the Alpha Quadrant, I’m really bored. Please tell me you’ve found something in that database?

Bios - Look, there wasn’t exactly a Bajoran version of Google back then! I’m having to sift through all the gigaquads of data manually and it’s going to take time!  It would take less time if you helped me!

Garell - Good work, carry on Lieutenant.

Bios - Damn you, ma’am.

NoName #1 - Who wants to play checkers?

They look over and see that NoName #1 has carved a checker board into the floor with his phaser and made game pieces out of ration packaging.

Pause...

Garell - I call first game.


Scene 4 - The USS Celestial drops out of warp near Bajor.

Righteous - Captain log, supplemental. What does “supplemental” mean? I’ll have to remember to check on that later. In the mean time, we’ve arrived in my home system–

Senseless - Sir, you didn’t grow up here. You lived on Magellis III

Righteous - Only until I was five! Now, as I was saying, it’s good to be home and I can’t wait to see the green seas of Bajor again–

Senseless - Captain, we’re here to save Bajor and the rest of the Federation, not go sightseeing.

Righteous - Computer, end log. Commander, it’s rude to interrupt me while I make my log entries.

Camera goes to the briefing room where all the senior staff except Garell, Bios, and Blavik are looking bored.

Genocide - You’re supposed to record those dumb logs on your own time!

Righteous - Hey, I have much better things to be doing on my own time. I have to reach enlightenment before I die, after all, and by the looks of things I don’t have much time left.

Baque - So, no more brilliant insights from the Prophets, then?

Center - Hey don’t be sarcastic, Lieutenant. Those “brilliant insights” probably saved us all.

Baque - That remains to be seen.

Senseless - Get back on topic people. Ensign Center, I want you to hack into the planetary logs and try to find out when and where the inversion bomb was planted. Genocide, I’ll regret this later, but I want you to get the ship’s weapons ready for anything. You have authorization to replicate whatever you need.

Genocide (all smiles) - Trust me, you won’t regret this, Commander.

Senseless - We’re too late for that. Now, Lieutenant Tener, assist Genocide. Doctor Puker, find something productive to do.

Puker throws his hands into the air and gets up to leave.

Puker - You dragged me out of bed for this?

Baque - It’s the middle of the afternoon!

Puker - I was up all night operating on some dead NoName.

Baque - I don’t want to know.

Senseless - Lieutenant Baque, since Garell is gone, you’re in charge of yelling at the engineering crew. Make sure they have the warp engines in top shape. We’ll need them when we head for Earth.

Righteous - Why can’t we stay here?

Senseless - Because we can’t.

Righteous - Good enough. I’ll be in my quarters.

Righteous leaves.

Senseless - Well then. Dismissed.


Scene 5 - The research facility. Logic Man and Garell are playing checkers.

Logic Man - Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump.

Pause...

Garell - Is that legal?

Bios - Yes, ma’am, every move he’s done has been legal.

Garell - I hate this game. Tell me you’ve found something?

Blavik - Excellent. My turn.

Garell gets up and walks over to Bios’s work station while Blavik sits down and starts playing checkers.

NoName #1 - I’m bored, ma’am. This looked a lot more fun when I made it.

Garell - Lieutenant, I’ll ask again. Tell me you’ve found something!

Bios - Relax! Yes! I found something! Every device was constructed with a fail-safe built right in. During the charge-up phase, the devices emit a subspace beacon. That’s how so many starbases knew they had a bomb.

Garell - How does that help us? That’s like practically saying “If you can see this, you’re about to die.” That line sounds oddly familiar, but I can’t place it.

Bios - It’s similar to what they write on the side of antimatter transport trucks.

Garell - Right, another reference from early in the first season. Answer my question.

Bios - Well, if we destroy the device fast enough, it won’t release the mesons and it will be essentially defused.

Garell - Wait, are you telling me that brute force might actually save us this time?

Bios - Actually... yeah. But remember, we have to get it quickly. My research shows that Katrell gave them all a forty seven second delay during which they transmit the locator signal. After that:

Bios imitates an explosion with her hands.

Garell - So our part of the job is done?

Bios - Pretty much.

Garell - So now what?

Bios - Now I’ll send a coded message to the Celestial telling them what to do and if it works on Bajor then we’ll get picked up and all head for Earth.

Garell - So nothing to do until then?

Bios (sending the message) - Nope.

NoName #1 - Hey, look what I found!

NoName #1 shows them about a hundred small data discs which come in five different colours. Garell, Bios, Blavik, and Logic Man look at him confused.

NoName #1 - And it’s a good thing I brought these, then!

He pulls out a deck of cards.

Bios - I wanna deal first!


Scene 6 - Bridge of the Celestial. Ensign Center’s console starts spazing out.

Center - Captain, we’re receiving a coded message from our away team. They say that during the forty seven seconds it takes to charge the weapon up, it emits a subspace locator beacon. If we destroy it during that time frame, we can prevent it from converting matter into antimatter!

Righteous - Spare me your incessant technobabble and get to the point.

Genocide - If someone activates it, and we blow it up, nothing bad will happen! Score one for brute force!

Senseless - So now all we need to do is provoke Chester into detonating Bajor’s device.

Righteous - Yeah... hey, wait a minute! Isn’t that what we don’t want to do?

Senseless - Genocide, find Tener and I want both of you in shuttles on the other side of the planet. Ensign, prepare for starship separation. Let’s cover as much area as possible. We’ll probably only have one shot at this.

Righteous - Wait a minute!! If you screw this up, Bajor will be destroyed!

Baque - Exactly, so just let us do our jobs and don’t get in the way for once!

Scene changes to show Chester sitting on a huge throne chair thing in the Federation Council Chamber, counting strips of latinum. Out of absolutely nowhere, a NoName henchman runs in frantically.

Henchman #3 - My lord, we’ve received word that the Dominion is preparing to invade! From the Gamma Quadrant!

Chester - Haha, it’s a good thing I thought of this. I am so diabolically brilliant I scare even myself. Detonate Bajor’s inversion bomb at once.

Henchman #3 - Yes my lord, excellent plan. Nothing can go wrong.

Chester - Hmm... Why do I get the feeling that those will be his famous last words?

Scene changes back to showing the planet Bajor. Camera pans around the area to show Genocide in the Captain’s Yacht, Tener in the Argo shuttle, Baque in the Celestial’s stardrive, and Senseless, Righteous, and Center in the command module. Camera goes to the command module’s bridge (aka main bridge...)

Center - It worked, sir! I’m detecting a faint beacon. Triangulating now.

Righteous - Yay! We’re saved!

Senseless - Patch the coordinates into the tactical array and relay them to the other ships. Someone fire when ready.

NoName #2 - It’s right beneath us!

Senseless - Fire! Hit it with everything we have!

NoName #2 - Firing phasers.

Center - It’s too deep underground! We can’t hit it!

Righteous - Commander! We’re screwed! We have 15 seconds!!!

Center - Captain!

They turn toward the viewscreen in time to see the stardrive drop out of warp right in front of them and fire a tricobalt torpedo. A few seconds later, a blinding flash appears on the surface of Bajor.

Center - The beacon has stopped. Lieutenant Baque is hailing us.

Senseless - On screen.

Baque - Thought you might need a hand.

Righteous - Remind me to promote you the first chance I get!

Baque - Whatever. So it worked, now what?

Senseless - Reintegrate the ship. We have to get to Earth before news of this gets there.

Center - I’ll forward this information to the Klingons, Romulans, and Cardassians.

Senseless - Good. Unlike the Federation, they actually keep starships in range of their homeworlds.

Camera watches as a bunch of things happen at once: The Captain’s Yacht locks into place underneath the command module, which docks with the stardrive, which has just received the Argo shuttle. The ship then does a quick turn and jumps to warp. Camera flies a few billion kilometres and goes inside Deep Space Nine’s Ops place.

NoName #3 - Ma’am, someone just destroyed half of Dahkur province on Bajor.

Kira - ...Strangely, no one cares, do they?


Scene 7 - Research facility. Bios, Garell, Blavik, Logic Man, and NoName #1 are all playing poker.

Garell - I raise a hundred.

Blavik - I fold.

Bios - You know something I don’t?

Logic Man - Royal flush. I win. Again.

Garell - Shit, how does he do that?

Logic Man - With my super-Vulcan powers, which include telepathy and clairvoyance.

NoName #1 - Hey, do you guys hear something?

Bios - Nope.

NoName #1 - I’m gonna go check out the foyer. I’ll be right back.

NoName #1 gets up and leaves the room.

Bios - He’s dead, isn’t he?

Garell - Yep.

Sure enough, a blood-curdling scream echos through the hallways.

Garell - Alright, here we go...

The four get up and pull out phasers. A half dozen Breen, Gorn, and human henchmen bust through the corridor and enter the lab. The four Federation citizens open fire and cut them down. As soon as they’re all dead, Bios goes over and checks the computers.

Bios - There’s a Gorn destroyer hovering over us. I’m picking up more biosigns entering the station.

Garell - Time to make a hasty retreat.

Logic Man - You go, I’ll handle this.

Blavik - Is that logical?

Logic Man - Most.

Garell - I’m getting a headache, everyone just do what he says.

More Gorn thugs beam into the room as the three Starfleet officers make a hasty retreat into another corridor. Logic Man proceeds to beat the henchmen to a bloody pulp using his mad Suss Mahn skills. More henchmen pour into the room and try to attack Logic Man one at a time, all being defeated easily. Finally, no more come in. Camera goes to the Gorn destroyer’s bridge, where Henchman #4 was watching this unfold on the main viewer.

High-Ranking Henchman #4 - Sheesh, this will be the death of me... Alright, plan B. Destroy the facility.

NoName Henchman #1 - At once, High-Ranking Henchman #4.

However, before he can fire the weapons, the bulkhead at the back of the bridge explodes, and the entire ship goes up in flames. Camera moves to watch the USS Saratoga fly through the rubble and then warp away. Camera goes to the Saratoga’s transporter room, where Logic Man, Garell, Bios, and Blavik materialize and are greeted by Commander Shelby.

Shelby - Welcome to the Saratoga.

Garell - Great timing.

Shelby - You don’t know the half of it: You all were about to be turned into a cloud of vapour.

Bios - Where are we going now?

Shelby - Earth. The Celestial was successful and now we’re moving to recapture our beloved planet.

She realizes that all four of her visitors are non-human.

Shelby - Err... never mind. Let’s just go save the Federation.


Scene 8 - Bridge of the Celestial, several days later. All senior staff except Puker, Blavik, and Tener are present.

Baque - Alright, we’ve reached the Sol system. How did we just cross 300 lightyears in a mere five days?

Garell - You’re the helmsman, you tell us.

Baque - It’s not possible with our current warp technology.

Bios - Stellar drift.

Baque - There’s no way the stars could move that much, that fast–

Bios - Stellar drift!!!

Senseless - As amusing as it is to try to figure this out–

Baque - Even at maximum warp it should have taken a month!

Senseless - —We have better things to worry about–

Baque - At a cruising speed of warp 7 it should have taken half a year!!!

Senseless - Shut up! Just shut up! God damn it!

Baque - Yes sir.

Senseless - Lieutenant-Commander Genocide, red alert. Tell everyone to get their asses to battlestations.

Genocide - With pleasure, Commander.

Righteous - And like a thousand other commanders on a thousand other battlefields, I wait–

Senseless - Captain, don’t rip off lines from other Trek movies. It’s just sad.

Righteous - ...But we do it all the time!

Senseless - Fine, have your fun.

Righteous - Thank you. —I wait for the dawn.

In that instant, Earth’s moon moves out of the way and the sun shines in through the viewscreen.

Righteous - Ow. My eyes. That’s bright.

Center - Are we certain Chester won’t detonate the bomb on Earth as soon as he sees he’s gonna lose?

Garell - Chester’s a pussy... cat. What I’m trying to say is he is a coward if there ever was one. We’ll have ample time to defuse the weapon.

Senseless - Genocide, are all hands at battlestations?

Genocide - Oh, sorry, I was getting carried away arming all the weapons.

Senseless - If you please?

Genocide - Okay. All hands, let’s get ready to rumble!!!

Bluuuuuuuuurb! The red alert klaxons go off and the lights dim slightly. Camera goes outside the ship and watches as the Celestial pulls up alongside the USS Litterbox. Camera pans back and we see dozens of other Starfleet ships, including the USS Saratoga, the USS Citadel, USS Enterprise, USS Scratchingpost (Admiral Nelix’s ship he stole from Chester last season), and various other Galaxy, Sovereign, Prometheus, Defiant, and other classes of ships, along with the Logicmobile. They all form up and start moving toward Earth while suspenseful music plays in the background.


Scene 9 - Earth, Chester’s new lair. Henchmen are running around frantically as everyone freaks out at the mass of ships approaching Earth.

Chester - No! This is not cool! Launch all ships! Stop them! Save me!

Henchman #5 - Yes, my lord...

Chester - Ah, blind obedience... gotta love it.

Camera goes to the space above Earth. Dozens of Breen and Gorn ships move past the darkened Spacedock and engage the Federation assault fleet. Phaser beams and torpedoes fly wild and ships go every which way as the battle ensues. A large chunk of Breen ship slams into the top of the Enterprise and bounces off the shields. Camera goes to said ship’s bridge.

Picard (getting off the floor) - Number One, I thought Starfleet was going to install seatbelts on these ships!

Riker - I’m sure they’re working on it, sir.

B4 - Pretty lights!

Worf - I need sleep! Kahless damn it!

Troi - I’m sensing much distress from the crew, Jean-Luc.

Picard - Wait a minute... Will, if you’re here, and if Worf is there, and if Counsellor Troi is right here, then who’s on the Titan or the Defiant?

They turn back to the viewscreen in time to watch the Titan and Defiant collide and explode.

Worf - Damn it, not again!

Riker - Oh well, there goes my Captain’s pips.

Camera goes back to space, and goes over to where the Celestial is getting the crap kicked out of it by the Gorn, who seem to realize that they should focus their attention on the main ship of the series. The Litterbox comes out of nowhere and saves the day. Camera goes to the Celestial’s bridge.

Center - Captain Spot Jr. says we owe him a quart of milk, 2307 or finer vintage.

Righteous - Ooh, pretty lights!

Genocide - Let’s just keep firing.

Camera goes and watches as the Logicmobile darts in between exploding ships and shoots the occasional torpedo at a Gorn frigate. Onboard, Logic Man, Binky the Mistreated Targ, Lieutenant Tener, and a squad of heavily armed NoName security guards are holding on to the railings.

Tener - Doesn’t this thing have inertial dampeners?

Logicman - I sacrificed them for better engines. It seemed logical at the time...

The Logicmobile punches through the fight and heads for Earth at breakneck speeds.

NoName #4 - Why are we letting the targ drive?

Binky - WHEEE!

Logicman - It’s the logical thing to do.

NoName #5 - All this logic talk is giving me a fucking headache.

Tener - Oh don’t worry, you’ll soon be dead.

NoName #5 - What was that, sir?

Tener - Oh, don’t worry, it’s all in your head.

NoName #5 - Well... okay...

Camera watches as the Logicmobile soars through the atmosphere and drops into San Francisco. A few small Gorn ships pull up behind it and open fire.

Tener - Where the hell did they come from?

Logic Man - They’re targeting our engines. Prepare for landing.

Camera watches as the Logicmobile’s port impulse engine gets hit and goes off line, sending the ship spiraling downward in a haze of smoke and fire.

Logic Man - We’re descending rapidly. Brace for impact!

Binky - WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

SMASH! The ship hits a building and flies out the other side, then drops a few hundred metres and slams into the pavement. It comes to a halt after sliding a few dozen metres and crashing into an ice cream shop, upside down. Inside, Logic Man, Binky, Tener, and his banged up security force get up and open the hatch.

Tener - That’s what we get for letting targ drive.

Binky - Whee?

Tener - Yeah, that’s right, you heard me. How far are we from the Council chambers?

NoName #6 - Only about a kilometre.

Tener - Then let’s move out!


Scene 10 - The battle is still going on up in space, but it’s moved closer to Earth. Currently, the Celestial is chasing a Breen destroyer around the spacedock in circles.

Senseless - I’m pretty sure this is the third time we’ve circled, can’t you get a weapons lock yet?

Genocide - The damn thing keeps darting underneath the station and back up through, blah, blah, long story short: No! Stop asking!

Baque - Relax, I have a plan.

Righteous - Well, I hope it doesn’t involve taking the inertial dampeners off–

As he says it, Baque his a button and the inertial dampeners are taken offline. With better manoeuvring ability, he swings the ship around in a quick 180 and hits the antimatter. Everyone is pushed back into their seats. Camera goes to a random deck where streams of NoNames are thrown against the wall violently, killing several and mortally wounding the rest. Camera goes back to the bridge.

Righteous - I think I swallowed my tongue! Lieutenant!

Genocide - No time! Pressing buttons!

The Breen destroyer is caught off guard as the Celestial rams it hard, destroying the Breen ship and throwing everyone but Baque out of their seats.

Senseless - Lieutenant, turn on the inertial dampeners!!! Now!!!

Baque - Oh, it was just a bit of fun.

Garell - Say that to our damaged secondary deflector.

Bios - Ha! Not my fault this time!

Center - We should go help the Citadel, they’re taking a pounding.

The viewscreen changes to show the USS Citadel being assaulted by two small Gorn ships, which keep ramming it and bouncing off its shields.

Senseless - If this all weren’t so serious, that would almost be funny.


Scene 11 - Federation Council chamber. Chester is freaking out as he looks at the carnage happening in orbit.

Chester - That’s it, we’re leaving. Someone prepare my ship!

Several henchmen quickly leave the room, only to be thrown back in with phaser burns on their chests. Logic Man, Binky, Tener, and a solitary NoName burst in.

Logic Man - In the name of logic, you are under arrest!

Chester - Try it and I’ll detonate the weapon!

Tener - No, you won’t.

Chester - Just try me, mister.

Senseless (comm) - Celestial to away team, we’ve neutralized Chester’s forces and have taken up positions around the globe. We’re ready if he tries to blow us to kingdom come.

Chester - Damn it! God damn it!

Tener - The jig is up. Put your paws where we can see them.

Chester - Never!

He pulls out a little kitty phaser and shoots NoName #4. Tener, Logic Man, and Binky take cover and return fire. Chester darts away when his undersized phaser runs out of power.

Chester - Curses!

Logic Man - Binky, apprehend him.

Binky takes off snarling and coughing as he runs after the cat. Tener and Logic Man stand up.

Logic Man - Yes, I’d like to think I’ve made a difference here today.

Tener just rolls his eyes.

Tener - Come on, let’s go, that targ is incompetent.

Logic Man - On the contrary, he’s just mistreated.

Tener - He’s a targ!

Logic Man - We exist in a universe where cats can talk, NoNames drop dead left, right, and centre on a regular basis and no one cares, and warp drive speeds are measured on an inconsistent scale. We use a stardate system that actually makes some sense, mixing marijuana and warp plasma makes highly dangerous and addictive super-weed, we ignore plot holes like pot holes, and moronic Bajoran vedeks can somehow achieve the rank of captain. You live on a ship that only ever existed in a book, and even then it was set 20 years in the future.

Tener - Yes, but–

Logic Man - This is Star Trek: It isn’t designed to make sense. With a lack of scientific fact and no common sense, we are forced to simply accept our surroundings and adjust our lives accordingly.

Tener - Yes, I agree, but I don’t think you’ve known that targ as long as I have.

Chester runs by, carrying a device of some kind. Binky runs in chasing him. Chester stops and aims the device at Binky.

Chester - Eat tachyons, garbage brain!

Chester pushes a button on the device, and a temporal portal opens beneath Binky, sucking him off into another episode.

Binky - WHHHHHHHHHhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.............!

Logic Man - Surak damn it!

Chester, quite proud of himself, turns to see Logic Man and Tener raise their phasers.

Chester - Ah oh.

PZZZZZT!!! Tener opens fire and singes Chester’s tail.

Chester - Hiss!!!

Chester jumps and latches onto Tener’s face, scratching madly. Logic Man tries to aim at Chester but he can’t get him without shooting Tener.

Logic Man - I can’t get a clear shot, Lieutenant!

Tener - Ahh! Stun us both!!!

However, just as he fires his phaser, Chester jumps away and only Tener loses consciousness.

Logic Man - Phooey.

Logic Man gives chase, leaving the room filled with a dead NoName, an unconscious Tener, and a hole in the floor where a temporal portal sucked up Binky.


Scene 12 - Spacedock. All the lights come on as Spot enters her office, followed closely by Admiral Ross.

Spot - Ah home sweet home away from home. My home is actually a smouldering crater, did you know that? The Celestial had something to do with it.

Ross - Whatever their history, they sure came through today for us.

Spot - Meh, they had help. I’m not ready to pin any medals on their tunics just yet.

The room shakes slightly as a small yet fast Orion ship flies past the window.

Spot - What!!? Who’s on that ship!?!

Ross - One guess...

Camera goes to the Orion ship, where Chester is piloting away from Earth as fast as he can go.

Chester - Ha! By the time Logic Dork realizes I’m missing, I’ll be half way back to Farius Prime! Ha ha ha! I am so diabolically brilliant, scrambling my warp signature so no one can detect me! Ha ha ha!

Chester opens his eyes in time to see that the USS Celestial has drifted into his path.

Chester - Oh shi—

BOOM! The Orion ship slams into the bottom of the Celestial and explodes. Camera goes to the Celestial’s bridge, where the crew are celebrating with beer and wine. All of a sudden, the room shakes.

Garell - What the hell was that?

Puker - Must have been mild dizziness brought on by alcohol consumption.

Blavik - It sounded like something hit us.

Center - She’s right, a small ship impacted with our shields and was destroyed.

Logic Man materializes on the bridge in a flash of Vulcan transporter beam light.

Logic Man - Did you see Chester fly by this way?

Bios - No, but something crashed into our shields and was destroyed.

Center - The sensor logs show there was a cat onboard.

Logic Man - Then my work here is done.

Baque - Work? You practically didn’t do anything!

Logic Man - I saved the day, no need to thank me, I was just doing my job.

Everyone just groans and heads for the turbolifts. Logic Man is left on the empty bridge.

Logic Man - Logically, their thanks is all the reward I require!

The IDIC symbol zooms in then out and blah, blah, funky colours, blah, blah, LSD, blah, blah. You know the drill.


Scene 13 - Later, in the Celestial’s messhall, Captain Righteous, Commander Senseless, Lieutenant-Commander Genocide, Lieutenant-Commander Garell, Doctor Puker, Lieutenant Tener, Lieutenant Baque, Lieutenant Bios, Ensign Blavik, Ensign Center, Captain Farfetched, Commander Shelby, Lieutenant-Commander Garsh, Lieutenant Scratcher, Captain Castanea, Fleet Admiral Spot, Admiral Nelix, Admiral Ross, and Logic Man are all having some drinks and chatting about the day’s events.

Righteous - Commander, the next time we need to test a theory that might end up destroying a planet, we’re using Earth! Not Bajor!

Senseless - Whatever you say, Captain.

Righteous - Good... Now, a log entry.

Everyone rolls their eyes and walks away, leaving Righteous standing in the centre of the room.

Righteous - Captain’s log, stardate 436079.8. We have successfully saved Bajor and the rest of the Alpha Quadrant from destruction. The invading Gorn and Breen forces have been pushed back into their own space, and Chester is dead. However, considering cats live nine lives, I doubt we’ve seen the last of him... Kitty!

Spot - Lee, how come I’ve never received any of your Captain’s logs in your monthly reports to Starfleet?

Righteous - I’m supposed to keep them around? I thought I was supposed to delete them every month!

Spot - You’re an idiot, Captain.

Righteous - Thank you, ma’am.

Camera moves over to where Blavik, Baque, Garell, Puker, and Logic Man are talking. Well, Logic Man is doing the talking.

Logic Man - Then, using my super-Vulcan powers, I enhanced the transporters and beamed myself to the Celestial. However, you had already killed Chester.

Blavik - If I were you, I’d put more effort into your day job, Investigator Plorik.

Logic Man - How did you find out?!

Puker - Oh please, the only difference is the dumb mask.

Logic Man - Curses! Foiled again!

Garell - Get your own series.

Baque - Yeah, leave ours alone.

Logic Man - Never fear, where ever evil rears its illogical head, you’ll find... Logic Man!

Blavik (looking quite irked) - It’s stuff like this that makes me sometimes wish I wasn’t a Vulcan...

Puker (tapping his fingers together and wearing an evil smile) - That can be arranged.

Blavik - No, that won’t be necessary, Doctor.

Camera goes over to where Senseless, Castanea, and Farfetched are talking with Spot and Nelix.

Farfetched - We jackasses did good today, didn’t we, ma’am?

Spot - I still refuse to let it slide that you guys managed to let Chester out of jail in the first place.

Senseless - So can we get some time off, ma’am?

Spot - Ha ha ha, not a chance, Commander.

Senseless - Damn it.

The End

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.