Computer - Last time on Star Trek: Celestial...
Someone punches the computer and it makes weird sounds and the tape fast forwards until...
Computer - And now the conclusion...
Scene 1 - Space. The fleet is falling apart because they were totally unprepared for an invasion to come from the side.
Fleet Admiral Spot - Chief of Defence Staff’s log, stardate 436151.3. We’re fucked.
Camera goes to the bridge of the USS Litterbox, the Federation’s flagship, where everyone is freaking out.
No-Name #1 (I’m continuing the No-Name line from last episode btw) - Another wormhole opened! Dominion ships are pouring out of it!
Captain Spot Jr. - Break formation! Take us to them!
Spot - Alert all other ships: Break formation, we’ll have to do this the hard way.
No-Name Cat #1 - All ships breaking formation.
No-Name #1 - We’ve lost most of our right flank.
No-Name Cat #2 - Ma’am, something else is coming out of the wormhole!
Spot Jr. - Which one?
No-Name Cat #2 - ...Both of them.
The camera watches as the Celestial Temple and the Not-So-Celestial Temple (Pah-Wraiths’ wormhole) fire a massive beam of energy at each other. The beams meet in the middle and proceed to blow one another apart in a ball of more energy. Several unlucky ships get caught in the beams and are destroyed.
Spot - What the hell?
No-Name Cat #2 - High-intensity chroniton beam.
Spot Jr. - If that were to hit the wormhole...
Spot - It would kill the wormhole aliens living inside! It looks like we’re not the only ones having a war here.
A Dominion dreadnought comes onscreen, surrounded by destroyers.
Spot - Alright, activate multi-targeting mode.
Four consoles pop up from behind the main tactical railing behind the command chairs and four No-Names go to stand behind each of them. The camera pans by each of them.
No-Name #7 - Platform 1, check.
No-Name #8 - Platform 2, online.
No-Name #9 - Platform 3, peachy.
No-Name #10 - Platform 4, ready to take some names and kick some ass!
Spot - (sigh) I might as well fill out the certificates of death right now...
Oh, by the way, the battle is gonna be so intense and stuff that I can’t fully explain it with words. So, to eliminate that problem, I made a short movie. 😛 Enjoy!
If you have trouble viewing the video, it’s on YouTube.
Scene 2 - The USS Solaris flies out of the Pah-Wraith wormhole and joins the fight, firing with its phasers and photon launchers as it passes a disabled Sovereign-class ship. Onboard...
Ketrell - We’re alive?
Tener - We’re alive!
Genocide - Now would someone tell me what’s going on?
Ketrell - Okay, the Pah-Wraiths somehow got the Dominion to open a wormhole for them. Here’s why we think so: We know the Celestial Temple is artificial. Many historians believe that the Prophets and the Pah-Wraiths evolved on Bajor and developed a high level of technology, which included technology that allowed them to create wormholes. Now, they probably wanted to evolve further and figured living inside a wormhole was the best place, and you know the rest. Maybe, just maybe, the Pah-Wraiths left behind a device that makes wormholes from stars, and the cultists got their hands on it. They probably allied themselves with the Dominion and some stuff happened, some things got said, and all hell broke loose.
Frell - Why are the two wormholes firing on each other?
They all look at the screen, which shows the wormholes fighting to eliminate each other’s residents. So far, neither seems to be gaining any advantage and the contact point between the two beams is still halfway between them.
Tevarin - I’ve found the Celestial. Sending its coordinates to the helm.
Ren - Lay in a course... no offence, but you guys are bad luck. I’ll be glad to have you off the ship.
So, several minutes later, Genocide and Tener walk onto the Celestial’s bridge, which is shaking as the ship gets fired upon repeatedly.
Senseless - Glad to see you guys back in one piece.
Genocide - No you’re not. Now, what’s the SITREP?
Righteous - Admiral Nelix gave us two ships to boss around!
Senseless - Yeah, the USS Challenger and the USS Columbia, both Miranda class.
Genocide - This does not bode well...
Senseless ignores him and turns back to the viewscreen as Genocide takes the tactical station away from an incompetent No-Name.
Senseless - See that battleship?
Baque - Yep.
Senseless - Ensign, tell the Challenger and the Columbia to attack its aft, we’ll go in head on.
Center - Aye sir, both ships report ready.
Senseless - Okay... steady... break, now!
Camera watches as the impulse engines on both Miranda-class ships light up and the two ships start to move toward the large Dominion battleship. However, a few seconds later, the USS Challenger randomly explodes in a large ball of fire, and a piece of its hull slams into the USS Columbia, blowing a hole in it and causing it to spin out of control, breaking apart as it does so. Camera goes to the Celestial’s bridge where Commander Senseless is shaking his head in disgust.
Senseless - Son... of... a... bitch. Tactical, just destroy that ship as soon as possible.
Genocide - Way ahead of you, sir.
Bios - Um... shouldn’t someone be helping the USS Litterbox?
Righteous - Nah, I’m sure they can take care of themselves.
Scene 3 - Sure enough, the USS Litterbox is getting the crap kicked out of it. On the bridge, one by one, the tactical consoles explode, killing No-Names 7, 8, 9 and 10. Spot just shakes her head in disgust.
Spot - Just fire all weapons at the closest ship.
No-Name #1 - Ma’am! Shields are failing! The main power couplings are beginning to short out!
Spot Jr. - Then we’re screwed.
He says as two massive Dominion ships begin to bombard the Litterbox. Suddenly, a tiny and insignificant Intrepid-class ship begins firing all its weapons at once, and the Dominion dreadnoughts turn their attention to them. On the Litterbox’s bridge, everyone is relieved.
Spot - Well... didn’t see that coming! Get that power coupling back online! What ship is that?
Spot Jr. - That’s the USS Weed Plant. They must have shoved super-weed into their warp core again.
Finally, after what was surely a humiliating battle for the Jem’Hadar, the Weed Plant is destroyed, and the Dominion turns its attention back to the Litterbox.
Spot - God damn it, where is the rest of the fleet?!?
No-Name #1 - They’re all busy sir.
Spot - Open a general hail to all Federation, Klingon, Cardassian, and Romulan ships out there: Three bars of latinum to whichever ship gets these Dominion pieces of junk off our backs.
On cue, a few dozen ships of Federation, Romulan, and Cardassian origin fly in and begin helping the Litterbox destroy more Dominion pieces of crap.
Spot Jr. - Mom, you don’t pay your soldiers to do their duty!
Spot - You do when they’re idiots!
Scene 4 - The Celestial is still flying around shooting at things and being shot at (you know, standard space battle stuff). Onboard...
Center - Captain, Admiral Spot wants us to form up with the Ninth fleet to engage a group of Dominion ships that are trying to get to Bajor by going around one of the system’s gas giants.
Righteous - Sounds good to me. Who’s still kicking around the Ninth Fleet?
Bios - Admiral Nelix’s flagship was destroyed, but he got off in time and is pissing off Picard right now on the Enterprise. There’s no sign of the Avenger, but Solaris, the Litterbox, the Halfass, and the Saratoga and Citadel are already in formation.
Baque - I’m taking us in... here come some Dominion destroyers.
Genocide - They’ve all opened fire on the Litterbox. She can’t take much more of a beating.
Righteous - Where is the USS Borg Buster?
Baque - Gee... I wonder... they’ve either totally forgotten about the battle and have left for Risa or something like that, or maybe... They’re busy kicking some genetically-engineered ass somewhere else!?! Think! For once!
Camera jumps to the Borg Buster, which is moving through empty space at warp speed. On the bridge...
Captain Shields - I can’t help but wonder if we’re forgetting something.
Lucky suddenly snaps to attention.
Lucky - Damn! I left my easy-bake oven on in my quarters!
The bridge crew looks at Lucky.
Lucky - Uh... I mean, I forgot to feed my rottweiler... which eats people... I gotta go.
Lucky runs to the turbolift. Camera goes back to the Celestial.
Genocide - The Litterbox’s shields are failing.
Righteous - Let’s take some of the heat off of them. Open a channel to the Dominion ships.
Center - Channel open, sir.
Righteous - How many Changelings does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. All he has to do is morph into one and screw himself!
BOOM! Ship rocks, stuff explodes, No-Names go flying through the air, cats eat brains on Tuesdays, the whole nine yards.
Baque - Well, I think you got their attention!
Camera goes to space and watches as about a dozen Dominion ships all open fire on the Celestial at once. Camera goes to the Saratoga’s bridge.
Farfetched (watching the Celestial get destroyed) - (sigh) I suppose we should help them...
The Galaxy-class Saratoga turns and attacks the ships attacking the Celestial. The Halfass flies in to help, but promptly breaks down and pulls back to make repairs... again. On the Celestial’s bridge, everyone pulls themselves back into their seats.
Garell (comm) - Garell to bridge... OMG!?! WTF!?!? STFU!?! I mean, Jesus Christ!?! What the hell just happened to the ship!?!
Senseless - You can thank Captain Righteous’ excellent diplomatic skills for that one.
Garell - We lost three decks!!!!
Righteous - All I did was insult their gods, gee. By the way they responded you would think I denounced their religion or something...
Garell (comm) - I am sick and tired of fixing crap that breaks around here! Can we please make it out of this battle in one piece!?!
Genocide - Hopefully. Captain, the Enterprise and the Saratoga are taking some the fire off of us.
Righteous - Good, get the shields back up, and someone find those three decks before they’re lost forever.
Admiral Spot appears onscreen.
Spot - Way to go, moron!
Righteous - I try, ma’am. You’re welcome, by the way.
Spot - We can take care of things here. Go help the Third Fleet with those god-damned troop transport ships that are trying to take over Bajor.
Righteous - What?!! Let me at ‘em!
Spot - I figured you’d say that. I’m sending Solaris with you. You’ll find them trying to locate the Avenger.
Righteous - Which is... where?
Spot (bridge shaking around her) - Look, we were caught by surprise, it’s not like we were able to log in every ship that decided to go off and do their own little thing. Litterbox out.
Spot hits her comm-off button and something on the Celestial’s bridge breaks and shoots sparks into the chest of an unsuspecting No-Name.
Righteous - Helm, set a course for... Bajor! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha! Death to the Dominion!
Baque (raising an eyebrow) - Suuuurrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeee.....
Scene 5 - Near Bajor, the battle isn’t going well for the Third Fleet, which is now mostly disabled or destroyed. The Celestial and Solaris fly in and start blowing up Dominion ships, which decide to stop picking on some Sovereigns and go after the newcomers. On the Celestial’s bridge...
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Genocide - Shields at 47%, damage to the secondary phaser coils.
Senseless - Do you see that tight grouping of Dominion destroyers?
Genocide - Yes?
Senseless - Tricobalt torpedo, right in the middle of them.
Genocide (smiling) - Righto, sir.
The Celestial fires one of its powerful tricobalt devices into the centre of the Dominion ships, where it detonates and destroys all five at once.
Center - Good shot, sir.
Genocide - Stop sucking up and do your job.
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Genocide - Shit! Weapons are offline!
Righteous - Okay, now we die. Ram the biggest Dominion ship you can find.
Bios - Wait!
Baque - Gladly.
Bios - Multiple warp signatures... coming from... Federation space!
Senseless - Onscreen.
Beep! A heavily-modified Sovereign-class starship, surrounded by dozens if not hundreds of Gorn and Breen vessels, moves toward the fleet. Written on its dark hull is “OSS Hairball.”
Righteous - Isn’t that the fluffy kitty’s ship?
Center - Chester is hailing us.
Senseless - Probably came to gloat... ram his ship instead.
Chester appears onscreen.
Chester - Oh, you guys are still running that glorified scrap heap, I see.
Genocide - Sir, a Dominion ship is heading right for us... if it rams...
Senseless - I know, I know, it’ll ruin our heroic death... (turning back to the viewscreen) Whatever you’re planning, you won’t get away with it!
Chester - Oh? No offence, but you don’t exactly have a choice in the matter. Weapons officer, fire!
Everyone on the Celestial’s bridge braces, but the impact never comes.
Bios - Sir... the OSS Hairball just destroyed that Dominion destroyer that was heading for us.
Everyone turns to the viewscreen with their mouths wide open.
Chester - If I can’t have the Alpha Quadrant, the Dominion sure as hell won’t! Chester to all Orion Syndicate ships, break formation and engage the Jem’Hadar. Looks like you guys owe me one.
Genocide - Why the sudden change of heart? Tired of doing Section 31’s dirty work?
Chester - Yes, I know all about that. And yes, I am tired of being used. Hairball out.
The screen goes back to showing the Jem’Hadar ships getting destroyed.
Senseless - Well, I’ll be damned.
Righteous - I didn’t see that coming!
WHAM!!! A piece of debris hits the Celestial.
Righteous - Or that.
Admiral Spot appears on the viewscreen, her bridge on fire behind her.
Spot - Why does everyone always go for the biggest ship in the fleet?!?!
Righteous - Or that.
Spot - I don’t want to know, it’s probably stupid. Now, we need to know how this new wormhole opened. More Dominion ships could come through and if that thing manages to kill the “Prophets” then we could have a two-way invasion on our hands... why is Chester helping us?
Senseless - I honestly don’t know, but don’t turn your back on him, ma’am.
Spot - I don’t intend to... where’s Admiral Nelix?
Camera goes to the Enterprise’s bridge, where Admiral Nelix is sitting in Picard’s chair. Worf, B4, LaForge, Riker, Troi, Crusher, and Barclay are present as well as their annoyed captain.
Picard - Admiral, could I please have my seat back?
Nelix - Hiss! Stop whining and get me a bowl of milk!
Picard turns to Barclay.
Picard - Lieutenant, this is your cat, you get him out of my chair.
Barclay - Y... ye.... yes si... sir.
He goes over to stand in front of Admiral Nelix.
Barclay - Uh... Admiral... give Captain Picard his chair back... and I’ll give you some ice cream.
Nelix rolls his eyes.
Nelix - Reg?
Barclay - Ye.. yes sir?
Nelix - Borg.
Barclay - Bo... Borg!?!?!? AHHHHHHHH!!!
He runs into a wall and knocks himself unconscious. The rest of the bridge crew simply go back to work. The camera simply goes back to the bridge of the Celestial.
Righteous - I’m sure he’ll turn up sooner or later.
Spot - Hopefully he’s dead and I can promote someone who won’t send ships off on random missions to recover Dominion destroyers, or to get ship schematics from dead people, or to cross energy barriers just for the hell of it.
Righteous - Ma’am, can I go ask the Prophets what it means to be their “tool”?
Spot - Commander Senseless, what the heck is he going on about this time.
Senseless - Loosely translated, he’s finally figured out that some of the crap that’s been happening to us isn’t all random and coincidental.
Spot - Well even so, the answer is still no. We need every ship we have. Are your weapons back online yet?
Genocide - Yep... oh crap, I think I just destroyed a Klingon Bird-of-Prey.
Spot - What!?!
Genocide - Uh... I said I think I just destroyed a Dominion planetary assault ship?
Spot - Okay, forget it. Go figure out why the wormhole is raining on our parade and try to close that other one before more Dominion ships get here... Why aren’t the other Founders helping us? God, this whole fricking thing is so pointless and contrived. Why do I get the feeling that the powers that be just want the series to leave this season with a bang and couldn’t care less about plot? Litterbox out!
Everyone braces themselves, but Spot lightly taps her comm-off switch and nothing bad happens.
Center - That went well.
BOOM! Ship lurches, consoles explode, No-Names light on fire and sing opera in a high pitched voice.
Genocide - Um... might I suggest trying to avoid any further Klingon ships?
Scene 6 - The battered and bruised USS Celestial approaches the wormhole. It and its evil counterpart are still fighting to annihilate each other.
Righteous - Can you pilot us around that big beam thing?
Baque - Do bears shit in the woods?
Center - Bears are extinct on Earth, as are most forests.
Baque - You just have to ruin everything... are you sure you’re not a Vulcan?
Suddenly Lieutenant Blavik bursts onto the bridge with Doctor Puker.
Blavik - Sir, that was a very racist remark. Not all Vulcans are as annoying and disliked as Ensign Center.
Everyone on the bridge bursts out laughing, except Center who mutters to himself and goes back to blindly pushing buttons.
Senseles - Ha ha ha... good one Lieutenant, I didn’t know you had a sense of humour.
Blavik - Humour? I was just stating the facts, sir.
Baque - We’re in. Now what?
Righteous - Take us to the middle of the wormhole and come to a stop... then we wait.
And wait they do... a long wait...
Scene 7 - Five minutes later, the Celestial is still waiting for the Prophets to do something. Righteous is getting quite irked.
Senseless - We can’t stay in here forever. Is there anyway to get their attention?
Bios - We could try leaking some selenium out of our cargo bay... that might work.
Righteous - Or... no, no, it’s too stupid.
Senseless - I don’t doubt it.
Righteous - No, you’re supposed to say “we won’t laugh at you, sir, go ahead and tell us your idea” and then I tell you and you like it.
Senseless - (sigh) Just tell us your idea, captain.
Righteous - We could go get one of my orbs and communicate with the Prophets that way.
Baque - Dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.
Bios - Maybe they will only communicate with small ships. We should drop the Captain in the Captain’s Yacht and then go back to the battle before something else happens and we miss it.
Senseless - Alright but we should send someone with him to make sure he comes back in one piece... um...
Tener walks in from the turbolift, sees Commander Senseless in his “who should I volun-tell to go on a mission” stance, and quickly turns around, but not quite quick enough.
Senseless - Lieutenant James Tener, Chief of Security! Go with the captain to wait for the wormhole aliens to grant him an audience.
Tener - Why me!?! Why is it always me?! All I had was a splinter, and now I’m being made to babysit every moron that we come into contact with! Son of a bitch!
Tener grabs Righteous by the arm and yanks him into the turbolift.
Tener - Captain’s Yacht, god damn it!
The doors close. Camera goes to the bottom of the command section of the Celestial and watches as the Captain’s Yacht (which in case your wondering is exactly the same design as the Sovereign-class yacht) detaches and flies away from the now turning ship. The Celestial flies out of the wormhole. On the yacht...
Tener - I don’t want to be here.
Righteous - Calm down, you once told me you actually were saved by the Prophets.
Tener - Yeah, apparently I got sucked into their garbage disposal unit and they sent me back so Captain Sisko wouldn’t have to deal with us all. Not a pleasant experience, getting minced into a trillion pieces by a stolen Borg cutting beam.
FLASH! The two officers find themselves standing in a large white glowing space. The sound of a heart beating can be heard. Suddenly, it stops. Faintly, someone can be heard yelling “CLEAR!” and then it beats loudly, flutters a bit, and resumes its normal beating rhythm.
Righteous - Hello?!?
A young Bajoran woman wearing glasses and holding a stack of papers walks up to them.
Secretary - Hello. Please take a seat, the Prophets will be with you as soon as possible.
Two chairs appear out of nowhere. Tener takes a seat. A moment later, Sisko comes out of nowhere.
Sisko - Thanks, Lara.
Secretary - No problem, Mr. Sisko.
The Secretary of the Prophets vanishes and Sisko turns to the other two officers.
Sisko - Well, I suppose you all have a lot of questions.
Righteous - What’s the Tool of the Prophets?
FLASH!!! They now are aboard the Celestial, except all the consoles are showing the wormhole and it’s glowing. The entire senior staff are present.
Senseless Prophet - He is corporeal.
Puker Prophet - He is the Righteous.
Genocide Prophet - He is a moron.
Righteous - Hey! Don’t call me that... please.
Tener - You didn’t answer his question.
Garell Prophet - He is the one who can be many places.
Baque Prophet - His task is complete. The Game is now in play.
Tener - The game? Are you talking about the other wormhole?
Senseless Prophet - The Game is always in play, but the outcome is no longer known.
Tener - Are you trying to tell me that you don’t know if you can beat the other wormhole?
Genocide Prophet - The evil ones are strong. The balance is in jeopardy.
Righteous - How do I fit into all of this?
Sisko - You were chosen to tip the game in our favour.
Righteous - You had me help you cheat!?!
Sisko - No, we just got you to convince most of the fans to cheer for the home team.
Tener - And if they don’t win, it’ll be a bloody shame, but how does this affect all of us?
Puker Prophet - The Game is always being played. The balance must always be in check.
Tener - Ah. I knew it. The constant struggle between good and evil. Many cultures personify it in different ways. The Klingons view it as the struggle between honour and dishonour. Many human religions see it as the difference between Heaven and Hell, God and the devil. Even nature seems to play this “game” you’re talking about. Darkness and light, heat and cold, matter and antimatter. All must be in balance for the universe to function, but there must be a surplus of one for life to exist.
The Prophets look at each other.
Garell Prophet - He is the Tener.
Senseless - His task is not yet complete.
Genocide Prophet - He could be useful to the Game.
Tener - Oh no! You’re not dragging me into this! I don’t even like baseball!
Righteous - How do I fit into this again?
Sisko - Short term memory loss... apparently. I don’t envy your crew.
Righteous - Look, I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not and that, sir, is an idiot: Explain to me how this works?
FLASH! They find themselves in the Prequel Story, watching an orb of the Prophets fall from the wormhole and hit Righteous on the head. FLASH! The Prophets are warning Righteous about the Breen trying to re-open the wormhole. FLASH! The Halfass is thrown back in time. FLASH! The crew are given another USS Celestial for saving the time-line. FLASH! The OSS Scratchingpost vapourizes the Celestial’s warp core and Tener with a Borg cutting beam near a black hole. FLASH! Admiral Nelix is being visited by three non-corporeal beings and being shown the error of his ways, forcing him to stop working for the Orion Syndicate. FLASH! Evil parasites invade fluidic space and start a war between Species 8472 and the Federation. FLA—
Tener - Woah, woah, woah! Hang on: You guys did that!?! Do you know how many people died?!?
Sisko - Those people weren’t worshipping us! Besides, we needed to get you guys back on the Celestial.
Tener - You could have just asked Admiral Spot nicely!
FLASH! The Celestial is able to open a wormhole and accidentally cuts a moon in two—
Sisko - We just thought that was funny, we really had nothing to do with it.
FLASH! Righteous is treated like the Emissary by a group of medieval aliens, and is able to activate a powerful weapon to save them from an invading force. FLASH! Doctor Ketrell Eden makes antimatter inversion devices and Section 31 goes and gives them to Chester.
Senseless Prophet - We found that amusing too.
FLASH! The Celestial is thrown into the future, warning them about the impending Dominion invasion. FLASH! The Cult of the Pah-Wraiths manages to open another wormhole with the Dominion’s help, giving the Pah-Wraiths a place to mount an attack on the Prophets. FLASH! The slide show stops.
Tener - Woah... that was a weird re-cap.
Sisko - So... understand yet?
Righteous - No, not really.
Tener - Sir, the Prophets have been interfering with your life since you were a Commander, freshly kicked out of Starfleet. It’s all been leading up to this moment. You’re their tool, and they’ve been using you to help them defeat the Pah-Wraiths, in tiny, almost insignificant ways.
Sisko - Like the Dominion, the Prophets have a similar book of plans that worked really well.
Righteous - So what do I do now?
Sisko - You’ll know what to do when the time is right.
Tener - No he wo—
FLASH! They’re back on the Captain’s Yacht.
Righteous - That was confusing, yet enlightening. Take us back to the ship.
Tener - Gladly.
The Captain’s Yacht dodges the massive chroniton beam and flies out of the wormhole, only to find most of the Federation, Romulan, Klingon, Cardassian, and Orion Syndicate fleet destroyed.
Tener - Not good. How long were we in there?
Righteous - A few minutes. Where’s my ship?
Tener - Near Bajor. I can’t believe this... both sides are being destroyed, all because of the Pah-Wraiths.
Righteous - I’ve been trying to tell you people for the past three years that they’re pure evil, but you wouldn’t listen to me...
Tener - We have to stop this war. We have to wipe out the Pah-Wraiths living in that wormhole.
Righteous - Too bad they all didn’t go there, when we could rid the universe of evil once and for all!
Tener - Problem is, that wormhole is as stable as the Celestial Temple. Nothing we have will destroy it.
Righteous - Wrong. See that thing coming out of the Celestial Temple?
Tener - I don’t see how they can possibly win, unless...
Righteous - Unless someone flies along that beam, pushing the Pah-Wraith beam back into their own wormhole. That would result in their deaths and the wormhole’s collapse.
Tener - How do you know that?
Righteous - Remember what the Emissary said?
Tener - Vaguely... but you’re an idiot!
Righteous - I know that. I mean, who would be stupid enough to volunteer to be that person piloting the suicide mission.
Tener - Sir, Starfleet regulations prevent me from—
BZZZZZZT!! Righteous hits a button and beams Tener away. He materializes onboard a random ship.
No-Name #11 (transporter operator) - Sorry, we don’t have any vacancies for a Security Chief.
Bzzzzzt!! Tener is beamed to another ship. The process repeats until he materializes onboard the Celestial, half a solar system away.
No-Name #12 - Ah, you’re in luck! We recently lost our security chief!
BOOM! Ship rocks, transporter console explodes, killing No-Name #12.
Tener - Well, it was bound to happen.
Scene 8 - The Captain’s Yacht flies toward the contact point between the two chroniton beams.
Righteous - Now... Lieutenant Bios explained this to me once... to activate the multiphasic shields, I have to do... something...
Camera goes to the Celestial’s bridge, where Tener walks on.
Senseless - Where’s the captain!?!
Tener - He’s not coming back. He’s going to stop this war.
Genocide - We’re screwed.
Tener - Actually, I think for once in his demented life he knows what he’s doing. It’ll all be in my report later. What’s going on here?
Baque - We’re trying to prevent a Dominion planetary assault ship from firing on Bajor.
Camera watches as the Celestial positions itself between the massive ship and Bajor.
Genocide - Why do I get the feeling this is a really bad idea?
Senseless - Okay, here’s what I think we should do...
Just as the massive Jem’Hadar ship revs up to fire, the Celestial fires all its dorsal phaser strips at once, detonating the ship’s powerful torpedo inside the launcher, blowing the front of the ship apart and showering the system with debris. On the bridge, everyone is celebrating the destruction of the biggest ship in the Dominion fleet.
Senseless - Way to go people, now, let’s go help the Captain before he does something we’ll all regret.
In space, the back half of the Dominion ship explodes violently, creating a shockwave which hits the Celestial and knocks it out of orbit. On the bridge, which is exploding, killing practically every No-Name in the room...
Baque - Engines are offline!
Genocide - Shields, weapons, everything!
Lieutenant-Commander Garell stumbles onto the bridge, which is still shaking.
Garell - What just happened!?!
Senseless - A Jem’Hadar ship exploded and we were caught in the shockwave.
Baque - Guys, we’re losing altitude! We’ve entered the atmosphere!
Senseless - Get those engines back online!
Garell (checking readouts) - Everything is fried! It’ll take me hours to get even the maneuvering jets working!
Senseless - Then this oughta hurt... brace for impact!
Puker and Blavik stumble onto the bridge.
Puker - What in tarnation!?!
Senseless - Get back to sickbay, Doctor, we’re going to have causalities...
Center - Commander, we’re descending faster than we’ve ever fallen before... if we hit the surface at this speed...
Baque - There won’t be anyone left alive to treat in sickbay!
Garell - He’s right, inertial dampeners and structural integrity fields are pretty much shot.
Senseless - Then... who’s around that can help us?
Center - No working ships are within range.
Senseless - Damn it! God damn it!
Scene 9 - Camera watches as the Captain’s Yacht enters the beam intersection point, and gets buffeted around. Onboard...
Righteous - Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!!! Hey! I’m still alive! Alright!
Boom! Ship rocks, sparks!
Righteous - Alright, Pah-Wraiths... no... more.... mister... dumb... guy...
The yacht starts to move toward the Pah-Wraith’s wormhole, within the beam. While the energy is still hitting it in the front, behind the ship is clear for energy from the Celestial Temple to follow the ship as it moves toward the other wormhole. Suddenly, several Jem’Hadar ships fly through the Pah-Wraith beam and start firing on the yacht.
Righteous - Prophets damn it!
Out in space, just as the Dominion bug ships close to point blank range, the USS Solaris and the top third of the USS Avenger (remember it’s Prometheus class) fly in and destroy the Dominion ships from outside the beams.
Righteous - What the—?
Ketrell (comm) - Go for it, Captain, we’ll cover your back. We’ll beam you out at the last second.
Righteous - No can do. For this to work I have to keep my multiphasic shields up the whole time, or at least that’s what the computer is telling me to do... just between you and me, I think it likes me... I’ll see you guys... later. Righteous out.
Ketrell (comm) - But—
Righteous looks seriously out the front window.
Righteous - I should think of something important to say right now... well, I guess I have a few minutes... Let’s see... one small step for a Bajoran, one giant leap for the Alpha Quadrant... no that was taken... time’s up? No, can’t use that... bugger.
Scene 10 - The Celestial is practically nosediving through Bajor’s atmosphere. On the bridge, which is still smoking...
Senseless - Can we abandon ship at this speed?
Center - I wouldn’t recommend it. The escape pods would probably be thrown back against the hull and destroyed by the wind.
Baque - Alright, I have an idea, but you’ll all have to listen very carefully and do what I say.
Senseless - You’re asking us to trust you?
Genocide - What a novel idea... trust the guy whose job it is to fly the ship!
Senseless - Alright fine, what do we need to do?
Baque - Evacuate everyone to the command section and prepare to separate the ship.
Garell - We don’t have thrusters! I can release the mag locks but nothing will push us apart!
Baque - I don’t need thrusters for this. All I need is something that will adjust our pitch and roll. Is there anything? External ports we could vent atmosphere through, moving metal surfaces?
Garell (hitting buttons) - Wait... the hydraulics in the nacelles... the things we use to alter the geometry of the warp field? If those are still working... Yes! They’re working! I’m patching control to the helm.
The ship swings sideways and everyone is nearly thrown out of their seats.
Center - Stardrive evacuation almost complete. Um... where are you aiming us for?
On the screen, a beach can be seen beneath the ship, then the Celestial pulls out over the ocean.
Garell - Lieutenant, at this speed water will be like concrete! We’d be better off coming down on a forest!
Baque - Forests aren’t smooth...
Garell - What the hell are you trying to do!?
Bague - Ever skipped a rock across a pond?
Everyone on the bridge lets their eyes go wide as they realize what Baque is about to do to their ship.
Garell - Oh, no no no no no! One wrong move and you’ll rip us to pieces!
Baque - What’s the alternative?
Senseless - Okay, do what you have to.
Center - fifty kilometres... 45... 40... 35...
Baque - Get ready to release the maglocks.
Center - Stardrive evacuated.
Senseless - All hands, brace for impact!
Garell - Maglock release standing by.
Baque - Alright... please, no big waves...
The camera watches as the massive nearly 800-metre long starship pitches up slightly and approaches the water really fast...
Center - ...25... 20... 15... 10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3...
Baque - Maglocks, now!
Garell hits a button, and a loud THUMP can be heard from the bowels of the ship, but nothing else happens.
Baque - Hang on!
The Celestial hits the water in slow motion. As its stardrive section grazes the surface, the two sections separate. The stardrive, slowed to zero nearly instantly when water hit the deflector dish, flips end over end and finally stops upside down in the water, after moving in ways that would surely kill anyone onboard. The nacelle pylons break off and the nacelles go flying in random directions. As Bajoran beach-goers watch frightened from the shore, the command section continues airborne for a few more seconds, then it too hits the water, but bounces back up, comes down a again, bounces, again, again, each time losing some speed... Finally, after a good twenty seconds of skimming across the water, the huge chunk of metal comes to a gentle stop and sinks into the water up to about deck 6. On the bridge, everyone who was thrown out of their seats and stuff, gets up. Senseless looks up through the broken glass skylight as a sea-gull like bird perches on the edge and poops on the carpet.
Senseless - Wait a minute... since when do we have a skylight on the bridge!?!
Scene 11 - Righteous’ little ship is practically done for, but he’s still piloting it toward the Pah-Wraith’s wormhole, leading a chroniton beam from the Prophets behind him.
Righteous - ...Fortune favours the bold... no! Damn it! Hey, where did the other ships go?
Sure enough, the top third of the Avenger and the still intact Solaris veer off and fly away from the wormhole. On Solaris’ bridge...
Ketrell - Prophets’ speed, Lee... Helm, take us back to Bajor. We should help the Celestial.
Ren - What about Righteous? What’s going to happen to him?
Ketrell - Let’s not question the one smart and courageous thing he’s done in his entire life...
The camera watches as Righteous’ Captain’s Yacht enters the wormhole.
Righteous - Hasparat... and pumpkin pie! Onward!
The chroniton beam behind him also enters the wormhole, which then promptly collapses and flashes out of existence. The Celestial Temple ceases to fire on its location and begins blowing Dominion ships out of the sky. On the OSS Hairball, Chester sees this and makes a sound decision.
Chester - Well, time to go. All Orion Syndicate ships, run away!
But it’s too late for some of the Breen and Gorn ships, which get caught in the beam and are vapourized. Chester, however, manages to warp away.
Scene 12 - Camera is on Bajor, where a bunch of ships are using tractor beams to pick up pieces of the USS Celestial.
Senseless (voiceover) - First Officer’s log, stardate 436153.0... wow, our first whole number stardate... While our causalities were light, unfortunately, the Celestial herself is completely salvageable and should be up and flying again in a month or two. I thought about holding a memorial service for Captain Righteous Lee, but I’m not sure anyone would come. Also, I’m not sure he’s even dead. Lieutenant Bios tells me that even though this end of the wormhole was destroyed, the other end might have remained open long enough for the captain to get out in time. However, due to the instability, there’s no way to know where in the galaxy that end of the wormhole ended up.
Camera goes to space, where small ships are towing larger ones into orbit of Bajor or over to DS9.
Senseless (voiceover) - On the fleet side of things, the devastation was immense. The entire Klingon and Cardassian fleets were destroyed or disabled, and only a handful of Romulan and Federation ships survived intact. The only ships that managed to make it in the Ninth Fleet were the Enterprise, the Borg Buster, wherever they are, the Citadel, the Saratoga, Solaris, the Litterbox, barely, and one third of the Avenger. The Halfass, and Celestial were totally disabled and the USS Scratchingpost was destroyed with all hands except Admiral Nelix who used the only remaining shield power to beam himself to the Enterprise. I’ve granted shore leave to the entire crew on Deep Space Nine while the Celestial gets repaired.
Camera goes to Quark’s Bar, where Garell, Baque, and Tener walk in. Quark sees them and tries to get them away from his Dabo wheel.
Quark - Might I interest you in a holosuite: The Second Battle of Bajor, it’s becoming very popular.
Garell - We’ve had enough of the Second Battle of Bajor for one lifetime, thank you very much.
Quark - I’m still working on it and I’d be willing to pay you all substantial amounts of latinum if you were to help me work out some of the bugs. Your ship, after all, is somewhat of a hero... well, your captain is anyway.
Baque - Nope. We’re here to play Dabo while our ship is in the shop. If you’ve got a problem with that, talk to him.
Tener - Yeah, talk to me.
Tener tries to act all macho and pats his phaser. Quark simply rolls his eyes and walks away. On his way back to the bar, he whispers into the ear of one of the Dabo girls who is about to work the table.
Quark - Rig the game, before I go bankrupt.
Tener - So, you guys read my report?
Baque - Yeah. I always knew Righteous was a tool.
Garell - And who’s to say there aren’t more people out there like him?
Baque - But I can guarantee Righteous isn’t the sharpest tool in the Celestial Temple.
Tener - Okay, no more tool jokes.
Baque - If the Dominion sends him back in a box, would that make it a toolbox?
Garell - We never did figure out why he got that headache right before we were thrown into the future.
Lieutenant-Commander Gunner of the USS Borg Buster materializes right next to them.
Gunner - No sense, no sense at all, because this is Star Trek!
Bzzzzzt! She disappears again.
Tener - Exactly.
In Captain Sisko’s office, Admiral Spot, Admiral Nelix, Commander Senseless, and Captain Ketrell are kicking around drinking some wine.
Nelix - Well, for all his stupidity, I’m sure going to miss your commanding officer, Jack.
Spot - Yes, he had his moments of brilliance... he will not be forgotten easily... but I’ll try.
Ketrell - So do you think you’re ready to take over as Captain of the USS Celestial, Senseless?
Senseless is about to say something when out the window the wormhole opens and spits out a small flaming object... straight at the station. However, no one notices.
Senseless - I guess so.
Nelix - Well, I’m sure Righteous would be proud of you... I know I’m proud of him... in fact if he were here right now I’d pin a medal on his chest for what he did... Seems like only yesterday I was inspecting your ship... my how time flies... I hope wherever he is, he’s still the same old Righteous we all know and love...
SMASH! The small object, which is burnt beyond recognition, slams into the central core of the station and comes to a stop.
Spot - What the cat-nip was that?!?
Kira (comm) - Admiral Spot, we’re receiving a transmission from the object that just hit us... they’re asking for you!
Spot - Put it on screen.
Kira (comm) - They’re requesting a beam in... they’ve given me all the necessary codes.
Spot - Then by all means.
Captain Righteous Lee materializes in Sisko’s office, grinning from ear to ear.
Righteous - Hi guys! Did you miss me!?!
Nelix - I’ll kill you, Righteous! Do you have any idea how much paper work it will be to fix the station!
Nelix lunges at Righteous and goes for his throat while everyone else just laughs.
Nelix - Damn it! I was this close to getting rid of you! God damn it!!!!