Scene 1 - Captain Righteous Lee is sitting at his desk onboard the still-being-rebuilt USS Celestial, turning a PADD around in his hands trying to read it. A sleeping Admiral Spot is curled up on the carpet in front of him.
Righteous - The crew of Solaris sure were busy this past month.
Admiral Spot wakes up.
Spot - You’re finally done reading that mission report?
Righteous - Yep, and I have just one question: They did cure Chester of that disease he was infected with before you put him in cryogenic storage, right?
Spot rolls her eyes.
Spot (sarcastically) - No Lee, they dangled the cure over his head, forcing him to finally surrender after his ship was destroyed, and then threw him into the deep freezer without curing him.
Spot - I have to go.
Admiral spot trots out of the room and Righteous, with nothing better to do, follows her out onto the bridge, where the bridge staff are already present.
Righteous (waving the PADD around) - Hey guys! Have you read this yet?
Baque - Everyone on the ship read that before you did, moron.
Righteous - Yeah, so why weren’t we sent to capture Chester? We did it the first time.
Senseless - Sir, our ship was in four broken pieces.
Righteous - Five if you include the piece I broke!
Tener walks onto the bridge.
Tener - You wanted to see me, Commander?
Senseless - Yeah, I need you to accompany Doctor Puker to Io. Apparently there’s been an outbreak of some disease at the Maximum Security Prison there.
Tener - ...Isn’t that really close to Jupiter Station?
Senseless - Yeah, so?
Tener - ...Didn’t Admiral Nelix relocate there after they released him from hospital here on the spacedock?
Senseless - Don’t worry, he’ll leave you alone.
Tener - He’d better, that guy freaks me out... did you know he didn’t tell me anything that time when we were sucked into some kind of temporal paradox alternate reality quantum parallel universe thing that resulted us in being thrown into a situation that very closely resembled the Wizard of Ox?
Center - Oz, sir.
Tener - Shut up, no one likes you, not even the author.
Scene 2 - On some random, backwater, primitive planet in the middle of some random, backwater, and pointlessly coloured area of space, some humanoids living at the pre-industrial level are just going about their business. One, on a horse like thing, is riding away from a town when a boy yells at him from the town.
Boy - Shane!! Come back, Shane!!!
Shane (rubbing his forehead) - That’s it, I’m going to shoot the annoying bastard.
As the cowboy-like alien turns his horse-like thing around, a massive shadow blocks out the sun. Everyone looks up to see a large black square with a green light in the middle of it. The camera goes out into space and spies a Borg-ish pyramid with the bottom part pointing toward the planet. The green part on the bottom flashes and a beam of energy flies out of it and hits the planet. On said planet, everyone instantly collapses onto the ground, only to turn into Borg-ish drones and stand back up. One of them assimilates the cameraman and the scene cuts.
Scene 3 - A shuttlecraft approaches the flaming Jovian moon Io. Onboard, Puker and Tener are spinning around in their chairs.
Tener - I’d like to find whomever decided it was impolite to go to warp inside a solar system and kick them in the crotch. It’s taken us nearly two hours and forty minutes to get here at impulse!
Puker - Now the interference prevents beam outs so we’ll have to land the shuttle. Take us into the atmosphere.
The small shuttle descends through the practically non-existent atmosphere and approaches a mountain range. Suddenly, there is an explosion to starboard, then one to port.
Tener - They’re shooting at us! Hail them!
Some Guy (comm) - Unidentified vessel, present the proper clearance codes or you will be fired upon!
Tener (to Puker) - Starfleet Medical didn’t mention anything about clearance codes!!!
Puker (talking into comm) - Crimea Mons Penal Institute, this is the Shuttlecraft Blasphemy, of the USS Celestial. We’re here on the authorization of Starfleet Medical!
Boom, shuttle rocks, sparks.
Some Moron - Improper clearance code, prepare to be shot down.
Tener - What the hell!!?
KA-BOOM! The shuttle is hit hard on the port side and is thrown around. It comes down hard on Crimea Mons (it’s a real place on Io, look it up!) (I recommend Celestia...)
Scene 4 - In Fleet Admiral Spot’s office on the Earth Spacedock, Righteous, Senseless, and Captains Farfetched, and Castanea are seated around a table. Spot prances up onto the table and turns off the lights.
Spot - What you’re about to see is classified for people of Sigma 9 Clearance and above, and is to be shown to people on a need to know basis, as per my orders as Chief of Defence Staff, on direct authority of this week’s President of the United Federation of Planets.
Spot hits a button and a some sort of movie trailer for a movie entitled Cats on a Plane starts playing for a second until she sees what’s happening and turns it off.
Spot - Oops, wrong clip... you guys weren’t supposed to see that.
Spot hits some more buttons and a pyramid shaped Borg-like space ship appears onscreen.
Righteous - Oh cool, they started using different shapes!
Spot rolls her eyes and fast forwards to the part where the ship fires a beam of energy at the planet it was orbiting. Spot pauses the video.
Spot - The ship then proceeded to have the natives build a large stone pyramid for it to land on. It’s still there, as far as we know.
Farfetched - So that happened? Was that some kind of weapon?
Spot - All we know is that one minute the civilization on that planet was still lynching bandits, and the next they’re building orbital weapons platforms, constructing pyramids in a matter of hours, etcetera, etcetera.
Senseless - I hate to say this, but that doesn’t seem like Borg design. They don’t assimilate that fast. Not an entire planet.
Spot - They’re not Borg, not entirely. We’ve detected no outgoing subspace transmissions that would indicate they’re connected to the collective. Plus, we’ve detected no lifesigns coming from the planet, which is odd because...
Senseless - Oh, no...
Spot - I see you’ve come to the same conclusion we have.
Righteous - Someone fill me in?
Senseless - Captain, do you remember the radioactive mutant zombie Borg No-Names from the bottom of deck 20?
Righteous - Oh, right... and?
Senseless - Well, they survived the explosion of that Omega particle we detonated.
Righteous - Oh, perfect.
Spot - Starfleet has known for some time that there was always the possibility that the nano-viroids survived. They wouldn’t have been able to use warp drive, but they might have developed another form of transportation. Anyway, with that ship of theirs they could assimilate or infect or whatever you want to call it, well, anything. We have to stop them. Again.
She shoots a menacing glare at Righteous.
Righteous - Oh, now this isn’t my fault!
Spot - It feels better to blame you.
Righteous - Fine. The Prophets like me, that’s all that counts.
Castanea - Making someone go around the galaxy, throwing themselves into dangerous and often stressful situations, and then finally having them nearly kill themselves to win a pointless war doesn’t necessarily mean you like the person.
Senseless - So what’s the plan, ma’am?
Spot - That planet doesn’t have the raw materials necessary to construct one of those pyramid ships... as far as we know. Your three ships are going to go in and destroy that ship at all costs.
Righteous - No problem, Admiral. It will never know what hit it.
Farfetched (pointing his thumb at Righteous) - If we leave this jackass in charge of the mission, they certainly never will.
Righteous - Thank you, captain!
Spot - Righteous... you’re an idiot. And not in a good way at all.
Righteous - I try, ma’am.
Spot - Dismissed.
Everyone gets up and starts to leave the room.
Spot - Oh, one more thing... for the sake of the entire galaxy, don’t screw this up, okay?
Spot then pulls her neck back and stares off into the distance.
Spot - What the hell am I saying? We’re all going to die!!! AHHHH!!!
Senseless quickly pulls a small squishy ball out of his pocket and tosses it across the table.
Spot - Cat toy!!!
The Chief of Defence Staff bounds after the ball while the rest of the officers make a quick exit.
Scene 5 - On Crimea Mons, on Io, orbiting Jupiter, orbiting Sol, orbiting the super-massive black hole in the centre of the Milky Way, on a collision course with the Andromeda Galaxy, Tener and Puker wake up wearing orange jumpsuits instead of Starfleet uniforms. The shuttle is nowhere to be seen and they’re inside a cave network of some sort. Other people wearing orange jumpsuits are milling around. A big poster on the wall says “Remember, you’re stuck here forever!”
Tener - Oh perfect, someone stole the shuttle and our uniforms.
Puker - Funny how these fit us so well.
They walk up to one of the guards.
Tener - Excuse me, but could you direct us to the medical center?
Guard - Why, are you dead?
Puker - No, we were sent here by Starfleet Medical to treat an infection that’s broken out here. Our shuttle got shot down and someone stole our uniforms.
The guard looks around for a second.
Guard - I don’t see any shuttle.
Tener - Well, obviously whoever stole our uniforms also took the shuttle.
Guard - Nice story, but I’m not as dumb as the last guy they stationed here. Go away.
Tener and Puker, frustrated, decide to go find someone smarter to talk to. They walk down a passageway and enter a large cavern. Before them are thousands of inmates, most of whom look like they’re about to die. Puker runs over and checks a few of them.
Puker - Well, I’d say we found our disease.
Tener - What is it? Is it contagious?
Puker - Odd... judging by the symptoms, it’s a simple case of influenza...
Tener - The common cold? Didn’t we wipe that out centuries ago?
Puker - Yeah, vaccines, the extinction of mosquitos, and anti-viral drugs have made it practically non-existent.
Tener - But you’re sure that’s what these... people are suffering from?
Puker - Well, I can’t be sure.
One of the inmates gets a case of projectile vomiting.
Puker - Okay, now I’m sure.
Tener - What about us?
Puker - Our vaccines should last for a few months, plus our immune systems are probably in better shape. It doesn’t look like these people have been eating well.
Tener - The conditions in this prison are deplorable. Now, only one question remains...
Puker - What’s that?
Tener - Is this a cheap shot at Guantanamo Bay, or the Canadian prison system?
Puker - Hard to tell. Aren’t they essentially the same?
Scene 6 - The USS Celestial, now all spiffy and fixed, sits inside the Spacedock. On the bridge, Senseless, Righteous, Baque, Bios, Garell, Center, and Baque are at their stations.
Righteous - We good to go now?
Center - Ops has cleared us for departure sir, so yes.
Righteous - Helm boy, take us out, one quarter impulse.
The ship moves slowly through the space doors as it exits the–
Senseless groans. Center’s console beeps.
Center - Uh...
Admiral Spot appears on the screen, and she doesn’t look very happy.
Spot - Lieutenant-Commander Baque, can I ask you a question? How is it that the USS Saratoga, which is something like 460 metres wide, can make it out the doors without so much as bumping into them, but your ship, which is only 300 metres wide, can’t make it out without ripping the paint all to hell?
Baque - Look, it’s hard to see to port and starboard, okay?
Spot - Just go join the Saratoga and the Citadel... Spot out!
The Celestial joins the other two ships and all three jump to warp.
Scene 7 - The three Ninth Fleet ships drop out of warp and approach a small moon, orbiting a gas giant. Inside a large bunker of some sort, Genocide, Senseless, and a bunch of No-Name security guards beam down. Some guy comes up to meet them.
Some Other Guy - Are you the ones who wanted all those weapons?
Senseless - Here’s the requisition form from Fleet Admiral Spot herself.
He passes the guy a PADD. He reads it, then passes it back.
Some Other Guy - Sheesh, you must be planning on starting a war, are you?
Senseless - That’s classified. Genocide, get to work.
Genocide - Alright you mangy excuses for humanoids! Start loading it up!
The No-Names start setting up transporter enhancers around large crates and stuff begins to be beamed away. Some of the No-Names accidentally drop a photon grenade, which of course goes off. The quartermaster guy starts to shake his head.
Quartermaster - You aren’t exactly Red Squad, are you?
Genocide - We’re not Starfleet’s best and brightest, we’re the other guys!
Later, onboard the Saratoga, in one of its cargo bays, a bunch of cadets are standing in formation as Genocide and Lieutenant-Commander Garsh of the Saratoga inspect them.
Genocide - Um, who are these guys?
Cadet - We’re Red Squad!!!!
All the cadets start chanting.
Red Squad - RED SQUAD, RED SQUAD, RED SQUAD, RED SQUAD, RED SQUAD–
Garsh - Alright!! We know!
The Andorian turns back to Genocide.
Garsh - Captain Farfetched requested them. They’re all in the security department, and they all saw lots of action during the Breen War—
Some of the cadets try to stifle snickers.
Garsh - —and they’re all nameless so we can use them as cannon fodder.
The snickers quickly stop.
Genocide - Alright nuggets, listen up. We’re going into a highly hostile environment. Anything that is not us is the enemy. If something pierces your skin, you’re the enemy. If you’re killed, you’re the enemy. Phasers will be set on full power at all times. Shoot to kill. Our chances of all getting out alive are slim to none. If we mess this up, the entire galaxy will be converted into mindless, undead, cybernetic Zomborgs.
Garsh - Zomborgs?
Genocide - Yeah, what’s wrong with it?
Garsh - Nothing, I just didn’t know we were calling them anything except radioactive mutant zombie Borg No-Names from the bottom of the Celestial’s deck 20.
Genocide - Zomborgs work. Now, cadets, knowing that you’re all marching into certain death, who still wants to go?
Red Squad - RED SQUAD, RED SQUAD, RED SQUAD, RED SQUAD, RED SQUAD!
Genocide - Starfleet Academy did a good job brainwashing them, didn’t they?
Garsh - Sure did.... Ooh, wanna play a joke on them? Let’s set their phasers to overload as soon as they try to fire them and—
Genocide shoots him a menacing glare.
Garsh - Or we could not do that.
Scene 8 - On Io, the moon is in total darkness. To the east of Crimea Mons, Jupiter blocks out the sun. Only the glow of the various prison barracks lights up the near-molten landscape. And I’m not kidding, if you don’t believe me that Jupiter will block out the sun around Io in September of 2382, download Celestia and see for yourselves... (Look, it’s a good program, okay? It’s not like I’m trying to sell it or anything.) Anyway, Puker and Tener are running around trying to find someone who will believe them, but all the guards are suffering from lack of oxygen or something.
Tener (talking to one of the guards) - I’m Lieutenant James Tener, of the Federation starship USS Celestial, NCC-80164. It’s the one that looks like a mix between a Sovereign-class and a stealth bomber! My security code is Alpha one one Sigma Pie four Gamma! Look it up!
Guard - Move along sir!
Puker - Forget it, Lieutenant, don’t waste your breath. What little there is of it. I have a better idea.
Tener - Oh?
Puker - At your last physical I implanted a subdermal transponder under your skin.
Tener - How come I didn’t know about this!!!???!!!
Puker - Well, I was getting around to telling you. Anyway, if I activate it, it will transmit a Starfleet distress signal on all subspace frequencies. Jupiter Station should be able to pick it up.
Tener - Is it too late to give up and just live the rest of our lives here?
We interrupt this episode to bring you the rest of this episode. We’re sorry for any inconvenience this causes.
Scene 9 - The three Federation starships approach the infected planet, which no longer looks like a M-class world. On the Celestial’s bridge...
Righteous - Are planets supposed to be pitch black?
Bios - The planet’s crust is made entirely of the nano-viroids...
Senseless - How could they have replicated so fast?
Baque - I thought I saw this in a TV show once... was it, Stargate..?
Genocide - Oh, and here we thought we were going to have to destroy only one ship... Admiral Spot wants us dead.
Center - That pyramid ship is heading straight for us.
Righteous - Smite them!
Camera watches as all three ships, which are arranged in a triangle with their bottoms toward each other, move towards the planet and apparently the ship that’s coming at them. The camera splits into three screens, each showing a different ship’s captain.
Farfetched, Righteous, Castanea - Helm, attack pattern Alpha!
As expected, each ship moves in the same way, by moving up then down, resulting in the three ships colliding and bouncing off each other’s shields. On the bouncing bridge of the Celestial...
Senseless - This must be why Admiral Spot doesn’t let us fight in groups that often.
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Genocide - The Zomborg ship has opened fire. Standard Borg weaponry... in other words, we’re screwed.
Boom, ship rocks again, more sparks.
Senseless - Target its warp reactor and fire all weapons!
As the Celestial opens fire, the Zomborg ship simply manoeuvers itself so its base is toward the Saratoga.
Baque - What’s it doing?
Bios - High intensity energy buildup in the device in the centre of its base... I think it’s some sort of particle fountain type weapon!
Righteous - That sounds really bad.
Senseless - Ensign, hail the Saratoga, tell them to get out of the way!
Too late. The ship fires its assimilation beam and hits the Saratoga’s stardrive section. The hull of the stardrive begins to turn black. On the Saratoga’s bridge...
Farfetched - Damage report!
Lieutenant Scratcher - Damage report, sir! No response from engineering systems, sir! Our secondary hull seems to be dissembling itself, sir!
Commander Shelby - They’re trying to assimilate us!
Farfetched - Eject the saucer section!
Shelby - What about all those people who might still be alive down there?
Farfetched - Do you not learn, jackass? Those people are No-Names! They probably all died as soon as we left spacedock!
Shelby - Point taken.
The Saratoga’s saucer section separates and then promptly fires a torpedo at the assimilated stardrive section, destroying it in an antimatter explosion. Over on the Citadel...
Castanea - Wow... sucks to be them.
Over on the Celestial...
Righteous - Wow... sucks to be them.
Center - So much for Red Squad.
Genocide - Toc, can you put us right beneath them?
Baque - You mean in line with that assimilation beam? No thank you.
Genocide - I have a plan.
Senseless - I don’t like where this is going, because the last time it didn’t work... but what the heck, we’ve got nothing to lose.
Bios - Just our lives, the galaxy, possibly the entire universe...
Baque - Well fine...
The Celestial moves under the pyramid ship, which is still shooting standard weaponry out of its butt.
Bios - Uh... they’re charging that weapon again...
Genocide - Not for long...
The Celestial fires four quantum torpedoes in rapid succession out of its aft launcher and they impact the green lighty thing on the bottom of the pyramid ship... and, just like in Independence Day, the whole thing goes up like the 4th of July.
Righteous - Yay! I like explosions!
Genocide - Hey captain? If you go stand in Cargo Bay 3, I can show you another really big explosion!
Righteous - Nah, I only like them when they don’t incinerate me.
Genocide (looking at his console) - Since when did he get smart?
Bios - Hey guys, the planet is–
BOOM! The planet fires a massive energy pulse at the three ships. It grazes the side of the Citadel and vapourizes a third of the ship right down the side, taking out a nacelle and a bunch of the saucer section. On the Citadel’s bridge.
Castanea - Son of a bitch!
On the Saratoga’s bridge...
Farfetched, Shelby, Garsh, Scratcher - Son of a bitch!
On the Celestial’s bridge...
Senseless, Baque, Genocide, Bios, Righteous, Center - Son of a bitch!!!!
Scene 10 - On Jupiter Station, Admiral Nelix is filling out reports when a nameless Admiral wearing a blue uniform walks in.
No-Name Admiral #1 - Sir, the medical team we sent to the maximum security prison on Io hasn’t reported in as scheduled. I think something went wrong.
Nelix - Who did you send?
No-Name Admiral #1 - Doctor Vaughn Puker and Lieutenant James Tener of the USS Celestial.
Nelix - Well, there’s your first mistake.
No-Name Admiral #1 - And we’ve also picked up a Starfleet distress signal coming from Crimea Mons.
Nelix (rolling his eyes) - As I said, your first mistake was to send—
No-Name Admiral #1 - My medical authority outranks you, so I order you to go get them. Now!
Nelix - Fine!
No-Name Admiral #1 leaves the room. Nelix turns on his monitor and calls up the warden.
Warden - This is the office of the warden of the Crimea Mons permanent rehabilitation centre. How can I help you?
Nelix - Yeah, do you have two humans who are about yay tall and with limited IQ’s?
Warden - That describes a good five hundred inmates.
Nelix - They’ll be the ones claiming to be from the USS Celestial.
Warden - Yeah, that describes about five hundred inmates... Look, I’m really busy, if you want to schedule a visit, screw off, we don’t allow them. Good bye..
Nelix - Do you have any idea who I am?
Warden - A... cat?
Nelix - Do you!?!
Warden - ...A cat in Starfleet?
Nelix - I’m Vice Admiral Nelix, the commander of the entire Ninth Fleet. I’ve got a dozen ridiculously powerful starships pressed under my paw. In the blink of an eye I could have them level your entire prison and most of them wouldn’t even think twice about it. Now, unless you want me to have the USS Solaris pay you a visit, you’ll arrange for me to personally inspect every human inmate you have, and all your sensor logs, and all your official logs... and I want a bowl of butterscotch ice cream waiting for me when I get there.
Warden - Uh... uh... yes sir!
Beep! The channel cuts. Admiral Nelix sits back in his chair.
Nelix - Wow... I can’t believe he fell for that... anyone with a life knows the Ninth Fleet couldn’t hit the broad side of Jupiter.
Scene 11 - The saucer section of the USS Saratoga, what’s left of the Citadel, and the still intact USS Celestial are hiding behind a gas giant.
Righteous - Wow, for once we’re not the ones getting the crap kicked out of us.
Scene is in the briefing room of the Celestial. Righteous, Senseless, Genocide, Baque, Garell, Blavik, Bios, Farfetched, Shelby, and Castanea are shoved into the room.
Castanea - Son of a bitch!
Farfetched - Son of a bitch!
Righteous - Why is everyone still saying that!?!?!
Castanea - A third of my ship was vapourized by that planet!!!
Genocide - That’s one mother-fricking big weapon! I want!
Senseless - Let’s recap the facts people: These things have the adaptability of the Borg, and the un-kill-ability of the radioactive mutant zombie No-Names from that planet near Cardassia. Both are our fault, and both were accidental, so no placing blame.
Shelby - It would make me feel better though.
Senseless - They’re invulnerable to phaser blasts, projectile weapons, explosions, and even warp core blue wavy energy things that are supposed to kill anything with any electricity going through it. And, to top it all off, they have a form of transportation that doesn’t use subspace, making them impervious to Omega Particle explosions.
Shelby - What?
Righteous - Why don’t we ask the Prophets for help?
Baque - Because that would involve asking the Prophets for help, something I’ve made my goal in life to avoid.
Farfetched - Can’t you make a retrovirus that will destroy these things like you did with the last batch of undead monsters?
Blavik - Doctor Puker seems to have a knack for disappearing whenever these Zomborg entities show up. He’s the only one who might be able to stop them biologically.
Shelby - Speaking of people missing, where’s your security chief?
Genocide - You mean Tener? He’s gone too. Probably for the best. If he were here right now he’d probably be screaming-
Scene 12 - Crimea Mons, Io.
Tener - It’s the attack of the radioactive mutant Zombie Borg No-Names from the bottom of deck 20!!! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!
Puker - What the hell was that all about?
Tener - I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say at a time like this.
Guard - Alright, all human inmates, come with me.
Only a few humans are able to stand up and follow the guard, the rest have either already died or are close to death due to malnutrition or dehydration. Remember, diarrhea is the number two cause of death among children in developing countries!
Tener - What do you suppose this is about?
Puker - Knowing our luck, we’ve probably been chosen to be executed.
Tener - Lucky for us the Federation doesn’t have capital punishment.
Puker - Yeah, and also lucky for us that the Federation doesn’t believe in putting its criminals in crappy, unlivable conditions.
Tener - Good point.
Guard - Form up, morons!
All the inmates stand in lines. Admiral Nelix walks in with some guards and starts looking up at the people standing all nicely and neatly in lines. Tener and Puker see him.
Tener, Puker - Admiral! Over here!
Guard - Shut up!
SMACK! SMACK! The guard hits both of them with a lead pipe.
Tener - OW!
Nelix - Oh, there you guys are.
Tener - About time someone showed up. We’ve been piss bored in here.
Nelix - What happened?
Puker - They shot down our shuttle, then someone traded clothes with us and stole it.
Nelix - Shot you down? Did you follow the flight plan you were sent?
Tener - Uh... flight plan?
Nelix jumps up, grabs the guard’s lead pipe, and hits Tener in the shins with it.
Tener - OW! Damn it, sir, what was that for?!
Nelix - For being an idiot.
Tener - Oh... okay.
Nelix - Alright, you two come with me.
Puker - Wait, we have to do something about the conditions in this prison!
Nelix - What conditions?
Tener - He’s been complaining about the lack of proper drinking water, the lack of food, the lack of carpets, the lack of a heated pool, and the lack of proper medical facilities.
Nelix - Since when do you care about people, doctor?
Puker - Because if I didn’t, this episode would have no plot, and I hate it when that happens.
Nelix - I think you’re a little too late for that, especially considering who your colleagues were sent to fight...
Puker - Come on, sir, we have to save face here.
Nelix - Oh, all right... I’ll see to it that medical supplies and additional food replicators are sent down here right away.
Puker - Not good enough, sir.
Nelix (rolling his eyes) - Fine... and I’ll have a carpet installed as well... and a Playstation... happy now?
Puker - Quite.
Nelix - Now, let’s go, I don’t like it here... too many homicidal maniacs who haven’t eaten in a long time.
As they leave, Tener wonders out loud:
Tener - I wonder where our shuttle went?
Scene 13 - On Europa, in the Federation’s Cryogenic Storage Facility, in the Cilix crater, Fleet Admiral Spot, and Lieutenant Sa’lol from the USS Solaris, who is holding a hypospray, stand in the foyer looking at all the dead bodies lying around.
Spot - Why is everyone dead?
Sa’lol - Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me! Someone broke that fucking cat out!
Spot - Well, the joke’s on Chester, because we didn’t get around to curing him yet! Ha ha!
Sa’lol - True, but the freezing process will have slowed down the disease. He might live quite a while now.
Spot - How long are we talking?
Sa’lol - Several months, six at the most.
Spot - Still, joke’s on him.
Scene 14 - The Celestial, Saratoga’s saucer section, and the remaining two thirds of the Citadel make their way toward the planet again.
Righteous - Captain’s Log, stardate 59730.1... wait a minute, Commander? Why did the computer give me a stardate so low?
Senseless - Because the author, out of the blue, decided to mess around with continuity and change the stardate system he had been using...
Righteous - So... now it makes even less sense than it did before?
Senseless - You betcha.
Righteous - Okay, I can live with that. Anyway, we came up with a plan to totally destroy the Zomborgs. It’s kind of funny really, we were watching an episode of Stargate SG-1 and they were trying to kill these things called the Replicators which had been frozen in time on this planet and the Asgard did this thing that caused the sun to—
Camera goes to the bridge of the Celestial, where all senior staff are present, except Puker and Tener for obvious reasons.
Baque - Would someone shut him up before he jinxes the entire plan?
Righteous - Fine! Wait, what was the plan, anyway?
Senslesss - No time. Celestial to Saratoga and Citadel, let’s go.
Camera goes to the Celestial’s battlebridge, which is being manned by Farfetched, Shelby, and their senior staff. Just to make things clear, camera goes to a random corridor, which is packed full of people. Camera then goes to the empty decks of the Saratoga’s saucer section. Camera goes into space, where the three ships, lined up with the Saratoga in front, and the Celestial in back, move toward the planet. Suddenly, the Saratoga’s saucer section flips 90 degrees and continues to move in the same direction, resulting in it flying vertically, with the top facing outward, between the other two ships and the planet. Camera goes to the Citadel’s bridge.
Castanea - Engineering, begin full energy transfer.
Camera goes to the Excelsior-class ship’s engineering room, where the warp core is going like a bat out of hell. Out in space, every light on the Citadel goes out, except the main deflector, which fires a beam of energy at the bottom of the Galaxy Class saucer section in front of it. Then, the planet fires its weapon at the line of ships, but it is stopped by the now super-charged shields of the USS Saratoga. Camera goes to the Celestial’s battle bridge.
Farfetched - I’m starting to not like this plan.
Scratcher - Radiation levels on the Saratoga have increased to lethal levels, sir! Shields are holding, sir!
Camera goes to the exploding bridge of the Citadel.
Castanea - Citadel to Celestial, we’re getting a little feedback here!
Camera goes to the bridge of the Celestial.
Senseless - Understood, Citadel, hang in there.
He turns to Genocide.
Senseless - Commander, arm eight tricobalt torpedos. Maximum yield.
Bios - It’s going to be a sunny day on Zomborg Prime...
Righteous - Ooh, I know! This is the part where we do... something...
Senseless - Helm?
Baque - Just a few more kilometres.
Center - We’re slowing down! The planet’s energy beam is robbing us of some of our momentum.
Bios - I don’t think we’ll be able to get any closer, the Saratoga’s shields are failing.
Baque - It’ll have to do. Fire as soon as we are clear. Executing, now!
Baque - Oops, wrong button, heh, now!
In space, the Celestial fires its ventral thrusters and moves slightly above the Saratoga’s shields.
Genocide - Show time.
The Celestial fires eight glowing white torpedoes in rapid succession, each heading for the planet. The ship ducks back down behind the protection of the Saratoga. Down on said planet, the torpedoes impact with the facility that’s generating the energy beam. It explodes. Big time. On the Celestial...
Senseless - Helm! Get us all out of here!!!
In space, the energy weapon stops firing. The Citadel cuts its energy transfer beam and lights back up. It and the Celestial lock tractor beams on the charred black Saratoga saucer and pull it away from the planet. They high tail it in the opposite direction as fast as their little impulse engines will take them. Behind them, the explosion has ripped open a subspace fissure. The entire blackened planet is torn apart and sucked into it. Once gone, the fissure collapses into a black hole, sucking in anything that escaped the initial implosion. Okay, I know that’s kind of implausible, and I’m sure plenty of people would be able to point out a plot hole here, but no matter, it was a really cool explosion. That’s all that matters. Meanwhile, on the Celestial...
Genocide - That was fun.
Senseless - Start organizing damage repair teams and send them over to the Saratoga as soon as it cools down. I’m eager to let Farfetched’s crew get back to their own ship... they smell funny.
Admiral Spot appears onscreen.
Spot - Castanea and Farfetched just sent me their reports on the situation... one of these days I’m going to learn not to send you to clean up your own messes...
Scene 15 - Jupiter Station. Nelix, Tener, and Puker are being interviewed by a group of Federation journalists, including Jake Sisko.
Jake - Woo hoo, cameo appearance!
Tener - What?
Jake - Sorry. Is the camera on?
Cameraman #1 - Yeah, on enough.
Jake - I’m here with Lieutenant James Tener, Doctor Vaughn Puker, and Vice Admiral Nelix. They’re the guys responsible for uncovering the deplorable conditions in the Crimea Mons Maximum Security Prison. It’s being fixed. Back to you.
Cameraman #1 - And we’re off.
Jake - Alright people, let’s move! We’ve got a five-second interview with the man who claims he has a foolproof way to prevent assimilation, and we’re three seconds late already. Bye!
The news crew are transported away.
Puker - Well, all’s well that ends well. Sure, we got shot down and were mistaken for prisoners in a filthy prison complex, but we managed to rectify the situation by exposing the conditions to the rest of the Federation, and managed to make ourselves look like heroes. A day well spent.
A beep happens on Admiral Nelix’s computer console. He glances over.
Nelix - Says here the Saratoga needs a new stardrive section and the Citadel needs to be practically rebuilt. Also something about a black hole ripping apart a starbase.
Puker - God damn it.