Scene 1 - Briefing room, USS Celestial. Everyone is present and awake, to varying degrees.
Genocide - Look, all I’m saying is that it seems a little odd that the Federation, a supposedly socially advanced culture, would have the death penalty for visiting some dumb planet but not for murder. I mean, what’s worse? Letting yourself become a slave to some weird mind-control aliens, or killing people? I honestly think that the whole General Order 7 was made up.
Righteous - Oh, stop whining. Now, down to business. Has everyone praised the Prophets today?
Baque - Oh, fuck you! And your god damned Republican bullshit!
Righteous - I’ll take that as a yes. Now, it turns out, that for some unknown reason, our operations officer isn’t technically a Federation citizen.
Baque - Well, that’s no big surprise...
Casey - They, like, told me I was!
Senseless - We believe you, don’t worry.
Garell - How did she get into Starfleet Academy if she wasn’t a Federation citizen?
Senseless - Apparently, Casey here was supposed to be registered as a Federation citizen—
Casey - I was like born on a colony or something—
Garell - No one cares!
Senseless - But the proper paperwork didn’t go through. They let her into Starfleet because they thought it had.
Bios - So why should we care about this anyway?
Genocide - Good question. Commander? You’d better have a good reason for getting us out of bed at this god forsaken hour.
Senseless - Long story short, Starfleet Command needs us to send her to the nearest Starbase to get the proper paperwork completed, or else she’s kicked out of Starfleet.
Garell - And that’s a bad thing... how?
Senseless - Do you really want to go through the process of finding another operations officer again?
Garell - I’ll shut up now.
Senseless - It should only take a few hours. Lieutenant Tener, you and the illegal ensign here will take a shuttle to Starbase 106 and-
Tener - Why is it always me that has to babysit the idiots!?!
Casey - Lead-coated pipes may take my life, but words will never hurt me! (Sticks out her tongue at Tener)
Tener - (sigh) It’s gonna be one of those weeks...
Righteous - While that’s happening, Starfleet wants us to keep busy doing what we’re normally supposed to be doing.
Puker - Getting beat into a jagged pile of metal and limping back home with our tails between our legs?
Righteous - No, the other thing.
Puker - Causing a interstellar incident and giving Fleet Admiral Spot a few more gray hairs?
Righteous - No, the other other thing.
Puker - Oh, you mean sticking our noses where they don’t belong and totally messing with society’s and cultures beyond our comprehension? Also known as exploring?
Righteous - That’s the one! Dismissed!
Scene 2 - A shuttlecraft leaves the Celestial’s shuttlebay and jumps to warp. Onboard...
Casey - Are we like there yet?
Tener - We just left.
Casey - Okay...
Casey - Are we there now?
Tener takes his phaser out of his holster and gives it to her.
Casey - Like, what is this for?
Tener - To defend yourself.
Casey - Why? Are we, like, going into battle?
Tener - No, but I have a feeling that by the time this mission is over, I’ll have tried to kill you a few times.
Casey - Oh... are we there yet?
Scene 3 - The Celestial is cruising along, minding its own business.
Righteous - Captain log, stardate 59782.2. It’s a Wednesday in case you’re wondering. No, I’m not making that up. Ooh, fun time! End log!
Camera goes to the bridge, where a Klingon Bird-of-Prey has just decloaked off the port bow.
Genocide - They’re not responding to hails. And yes, I gave them more than a second to respond!
Baque - Aside from that time we accidentally blew one of their ships up, did we ever do anything to piss off the Klingon Empire?
Senseless - Not to my knowledge...
Genocide - They’re charging weapons!
Senseless - Shields!
Camera watches as the Bird-of-Prey accelerates toward the Celestial, then begins flying around it in tight circles, really fast. Up between the front hull prongs, down between the nacelles, an inch beneath the command section, etc, etc. It then fires a multitude of shots at nearly every spot on the ship and goes back to its previous location. Camera goes back to the bridge, which shakes under the impact of the weapons fire.
Baque - What the hell?
Bios - They hit every major system we have with a low power shot, in less than a tenth of a second! Holy Pentium Fives, they’re fast!
Genocide - Captain, I regret to inform you that we just totally got served.
Righteous - Served what?
Baque - He means we just got owned, pwned, had our asses handed to us on a silver platter, you know, totally out-done.
Righteous - I still don’t follow.
Garell - It’s part of the Klingon honour code. Why kill someone when you can totally humiliate them to the point of committing suicide?
Senseless - How come I’ve never heard of this before?
Garell - Cause you’re a fun-sucker and no one likes you enough to tell you about it. Now, we’ve either got to serve back or we’re toast.
Senseless - I’m not letting you fly the ship in tight circles at high speeds. Too dangerous.
Baque - If you don’t, the Klingon Empire will perceive the Federation as weak and it could lead to war.
Bios - Sheesh, when it comes to the Klingons, send an email with improper punctuation and it leads to war.
Senseless - Fine, I give up. It’s your call, sir.
Righteous - You’re right, it is my call! Helm boy, full power to engines! Blue woman, inertial dampeners to maximum! Crazy weapons guy, set phasers to maximum serve! All ahead full!
Baque, Garell, Genocide - Alright!
The camera goes into space and watches as the Celestial floors it and flies straight at the Bird-of-Prey. Milliseconds before impact, it veers off slightly and then does a complete 180 degree pitch, keeping the tip of the bow a few metres away from the Klingon ship’s hull. Camera goes back to the bridge.
Baque - Ha ha, take that you blood-thirsty blood-wine drinking pahtks! Garell, tractor beam!
Camera watches as the Celestial locks a tractor beam onto the Klingon ship, then uses it to cancel out its own backward momentum and swing around for another pass. The larger ship does a few more loops around the Bird-of-Prey and finishes by carving “Feds rule!” into the side of the hull with the phaser banks. The camera goes back to the bridge.
Senseless - Wow, I can’t believe we’re still alive.
Righteous - That was fun. We should do it more often. Think the Borg would go away if we flew a few circles through their cube-ships?
Genocide - They’re hailing us.
A Klingon appears onscreen.
Klingon - It appears you are worthy adversaries! We challenge your honour and courage on the field of battle! Your ship, against one of ours, the Qo’noS system, one Earth day. Be there or it will mean war!
The channel cuts.
Senseless - Well, now you’ve gone and done it.
Righteous - Ooh, field of battle... sounds too much like work. Um... Let’s call Admiral Nelix and get him to call us in sick.
Righteous fiddles with his chair controls and somehow opens a channel to Jupiter Station. A few seconds later, Admiral Nelix appears onscreen.
Nelix - What did you break this time?
Righteous - Apparently, if you try to impress the Klingons they threaten to kill you unless you let them kill you.
Nelix - (sigh) Just a minute.
He presses a button on his console.
Nelix - Lieutenant, cancel all my appointments for the next few days. Tell them I’ll be busy filling out paperwork.
He turns back to the camera.
Nelix - Alright, start from the beginning.
Scene 4 - Shuttlecraft. Tener is trying to sleep and is being driven crazy by Casey’s incessant talking.
Casey - And like Kiesha said it was a flow regulator and I was all like I’ll bet you an hour of holodeck time it’s like a faulty gel pack or whatever. So like anyway, we check and she was right, it was a flow regulator and I’m like that’s cool, you can have my hour of holodeck time and she of course hasn’t used it yet so I’m pretty much not like able to like use the holodecks until she like cashes in or something and–
Tener - SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, SHUT! THE! FUCK! UP!
Casey - Okay, sir. Hey do you like think I could change my name to—
Tener - Fuck, you, Ensign. If you don’t shut up, I can’t be held responsible for what I might do to the shuttle’s atmospheric controls.
Casey - Shutting up now.
Everything goes silent and Tener closes his eyes again and turns away from the front windows.
Casey - Um sir, there’s something you should like see here, I think—
Tener - Casey, I swear to God I’m going to kill—
BOOM! Shuttle practically explodes around them. Camera goes into space where a Klingon Vor’cha class cruiser has opened fire on them. (Yes, it’s Klingon Day! They’ve been severely under used in the series so far!)
Scene 5 - Bridge of the Celestial. All the senior staff are present, except Tener and Casey obviously. They are currently listening to Senseless recount their encounter with the Klingons to Admiral Nelix.
Senseless - So that pretty much sums it up. Apparently we challenged the honour of the entire Klingon Empire and have to do battle with them in order to prevent a war.
Nelix - Oh. Okay.
Senseless - What? Just... Okay? You’re not going to yell at us, sir?
Nelix - No, this kind of thing happens all the time.
Senseless - It does?
Nelix - Yes, Klingons are really into this whole “battle to the death” thing. We just sort of go with it in the interests of interstellar peace.
Senseless - So what are we supposed to do?
Nelix - Fight them.
Senseless - Uh... isn’t that kind of dangerous?
Nelix - Not really. Most ships that get caught up in this kind of thing get away with barely a scratch. The Klingons don’t usually throw much at us, just Birds-of-Prey and occasionally an old D7.
Righteous - But... killing Klingons is bad!
Nelix - Well, Federation ships usually use a loop-hole in the rules to get by that. The battle is over as soon as one ship can no longer fight, so if you knock out their weapons and engines, you’ve won.
Senseless - Oh... kay...
Nelix - Of course, if you don’t go, you’ll start a war which will result in the deaths of millions or perhaps billions of people. So don’t not go. Good luck!
The channel cuts and the camera goes to Nelix’s office.
Nelix - I lose more starships this way...
Scene 6 - Tener and Casey wake up onboard the Klingon ship, in a holding cell of some sort. Casey, naturally, asks the dumbest question.
Casey - Like, where are we?
Tener - Disneyland. We’re in Disneyland.
A door further down the hallway opens and an important looking Klingon and two guards walk up to the forcefield.
Klingon Commander - Who are you!?!
Tener - Yo, cut the drama. I’m Lieutenant James Tener and this is Ensign... Casey... Something. We’re from the Federation Starship Celestial.
The three Klingons burst out in laughter.
Klingon Commander - Ha, ha, ha, in other words, no one will miss you after the Empire is done with your ship.
Tener - Well, I’m sure they’ll forget about us until it comes time to lead an away team or babysit another moronic dignitary.
Klingon Commander - Anyway, you will come with us while we go to overthrow the Klingon Empire.
Tener - So who you trying to replace this time? The Chancellor, or Emperor Kahless?
Klingon Guard #1 - Who?
Klingon Commander (to guard) - He means Kahless the Forgettable, not Kahless the Unforgettable. (Turns back to Tener and Casey) Anyway, enjoy your stay!
The three Klingons start to walk off. Tener yells after them.
Tener - Wait! Come back! You can’t just leave us here! We’re bored!
Klingon Commander - We left you a book to read, so that you may find Kahless in your hearts. You haven’t truly appreciated the Bible until you’ve read it in the original Klingon... translated to English for your convenience.
The Klingons walk through the door and disappear.
Tener - God damn it.
Scene 7 - The Celestial is cruising along on it’s way to Qo’noS. On the bridge, everyone is bored.
Bios - So anyway, Blavik, I was talking to your sister, Lieutenant Sa’lol from the USS Solaris, and she has this neat theory about how to increase the Celestial’s sensor resolution.
Blavik - I see. And how does this concern me?
Bios - Uh... I don’t know, just thought you’d like to know. But I know she’s more fun to talk to than you are. At least she doesn’t act like a bucket of warp coolant all the time.
Blavik - Yes, she brings proverbial shame on our family with her refusal to suppress her emotions.
Baque - You’re just jealous because you got the logic and she got the looks.
Genocide - Oh! Burn!
Righteous - Agreed, that was an excellent burn.
Senseless - How long until we get there?
Baque - At warp seven, just over 18 hours.
Righteous - Well I for one am tired of sitting here. Who’s up for a game of Velocity on the holodeck?
Genocide - Ooh me, I’m undefeated at this.
Righteous - Anyone who won’t kill me just to win?
Genocide - Damn.
Scene 8 - In the Klingon brig, Tener is trying to escape while Casey just sits there and reads the Klingon version of the Bible.
Tener - Hmm... maybe I can use the light power source to overload the forcefield emitters... Casey, are you paying attention?
Casey - Um. No. Not really sir. Hey have you like actually looked at this?
Tener - No, I’ve been busy trying to save us!
Casey - Like, listen to this: “In the beginning, God said let there be light.... so we slaughtered him!”
Tener - Yeah that’s great but—
Casey - “Noah built an ark... so we slaughtered him!”
Tener - Yeah, real A-typical Klingon stuff there.
Casey - “Moses led his people out of Egypt... so we slaughtered them!”
Tener - You can stop now. I’m starting to see a pattern.
Casey - “And we slaughtered Jesus not once, not twice, but thrice!”
Tener grabs the book out of her hands.
Tener - The last thing we need is for you to start acting like the captain. Now give me a hand here. One faith-blinded idiot per ship is enough.
Casey - Like, what are you trying to do?
Tener - I’m trying to escape, you pathetic excuse for a human being, now hold this.
He rips the light fixture out of the ceiling and gives it to Casey.
Tener - Like, why are you being so mean?
Tener - Because you’re an idiot.
Casey - I am not an idiot!
Tener (pulling pieces of metal out of the ceiling) - Could have fooled me.
Casey - I’m just easily distracted. Oh sweet, there’s pictures in that book!
Tener - Ensign don’t let go of that—!
Too late. Casey lets go of the light fixture to go pick up the Klingon Bible again. Tener, who had his hands inside the light housing prodding various wires with metal objects is suddenly electrocuted when the light power cord goes taught and shifts his tools. Somehow, it overloads the forcefield emitters and the field drops.
Tener - Oh... that hurts.
Casey - Like, look, sir, the forcefield is down!
Tener - Gee, thanks Casey.
The two officers start running down the hall. They pass a partially open door, and Casey hears something. She doubles back and peeks inside. In the room is the Klingon Commander and some nameless crew member.
Klingon Commander - ...After which we will deploy ground troops on Remus to secure our hold on the Romulan dilithium mines. Without access to their primary energy supply, the Romulan fleet will fall within a month.
Klingon #1 - And what if the Federation tries to interfere?
Klingon Commander - They will not dare oppose us. With their fleets in the shape they’re in, they can’t afford a war at this time. By the time they rebuild their forces, ours will have quadrupled with the supplies the of the Romulan Star Empire at our disposal.
Klingon #1 - Good. What will we do about Klingon resistance factions? Many houses are very loyal to the House of Martok. They will not bow before us so easily.
Tener (down the hall) - Casey! This way!
Casey (whispering) - Come here, sir! There’s, like, something you need to hear!
Tener walks back and puts his ear to the partially open door.
Klingon Commander - Loyal or not, they will not dare confront us. Besides, the lust for war boils in the blood of every Klingon! All we have to do is promise battle and they will follow us to the gates of Gre’thor and back!
Tener (whispering) - Sounds like they’re really planning to overthrow the High Council... huh, I just thought he was trying to sound tough.
Casey (also whispering) - It’s like worse. They’re like planning to like invade Romulan space, and they’re like also considering attacking the Federation.
Tener - We have to get this information to Fleet Admiral Spot. But first we have to get off this ship.
He grabs Casey by the arm and drags her down the corridor. They turn a corner and head for an escape pod. Suddenly, the ship shakes under the impact of weapons fire. The alert klaxons go off.
Tener - What the devil?
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
A bulkhead explodes and the two officers shield themselves from the blast. When they look up, they see three Klingons pointing weapons at them. Both raise their hands in surrender. The Klingons curse at them and walk forward. Then, the ship shakes some more and everyone loses their balance. Tener and Casey take the opportunity to disarm two of the guards, but when the third one regains his footing he raises his disruptor and fires it past Tener and Casey, barely missing both of them. They both stop.
Klingon #2 - Since you’re so eager to tour the ship, why don’t I escort you to the bridge?
Klingon #2 prods his disruptor into Tener’s back and pushes the two officers toward the turbolift as the ship continues to shake around them. A few minutes later they enter the bridge in time to see the destruction of a Bird-of-Prey on the viewscreen.
Klingon #3 (gunner chair) - Qapla’! Captain, all attacking ships have been destroyed.
Klingon Commander - Good. Resume course for Qo’noS, but increase speed! Someone must have warned the High Council about us. Alert the rest of the fleet to increase speed to maximum warp as well.
Tener - So let me get this straight, you’re really, actually, completely planning to overthrow the High Council?
Klingon Commander - I am Captain Kiblets, and yes, I am. Why is that so hard for people to believe? The High Council has become weak: We haven’t declared war on anyone in years! This is unacceptable! We must fight everyone or die!
Tener - Everything’s so black and white with you people. Lighten up, will ya?
Casey - I like the pillar-like things behind the command chair!
Tener - See? Like that... just maybe a little less stupid.
Casey - Wow! I’m like on a Klingon ship! All my friends are gonna be so jealous!
Tener - Whatever. You know, frankly I don’t care what you do the Klingon Empire. And as for the Romulans, I doubt they’re as weakened as you expect. If your people wanna blow themselves up in a blaze of glory, so be it. But leave us out of it. Just point us in the direction of a the nearest escape pod, preferably two of them, and we’ll be off.
Captain Kiblets - No! You will be our hostages in case the Federation tries to interfere with our plans!
Tener - I thought only cowards took hostages?
Captain Kiblets - No, we’re using our enemies’ weakness against them. That’s strategy, not cowardice.
Tener (mumbling) - The more I learn about the Klingon Honour Code, the more I’m convinced we have a better one...
Kiblets - Helmsman, ETA?
Klingon #4 - Four hours.
Kiblets - Good. Guard, take these two back to their cell... and send them a nice meal.
Casey - Oh, like, thanks!
Tener (knowing what the meal will be) - What did I ever do to deserve the wrath of the entire universe on me?
Scene 9 - The Celestial drops out of warp in the Qo’noS system. A bunch of Klingon ships move toward them. On the bridge...
Genocide - They’re telling us to hold our position.
Senseless - Whatever. Raise shields, all power to weapons. Now remember, knock out their engines too... we don’t want them trying anything heroic.
Genocide - Tactical systems standing by.
Bios - We’re picking up a general hail being broadcast throughout the system... looks like they’re piggybacking a video feed on it too.
Righteous - We’re on TV?
Bios - It would appear so—
Righteous - Hi, Mom!!!
Bios - Not, us, sir, just the ship!
Announcer (comm) - Welcome to today’s battle of honour! Brought to you live by the Ferengi Commerce Authority, sponsored by Slug-o-Cola, the slimiest cola in the galaxy! And by the Feline Association of Influence!
Baque - It figures.
Announcer (comm) - In the Blue corner, representing the United Federation of Planets, weighing in at 2,740,000 metric tonnes, the laughing stock of the quadrant, the USS Celestial!
The No-Names at the back of the bridge all cheer.
Senseless - Alright everyone, remember, let’s not get cocky here. If we keep our wits about us, and just do our jobs to the best of our abilities, we should come out of this fine.
Announcer (comm) - And in the Red corner, weighing in at 4,310,000 metric tonnes, the flagship of the Klingon fleet, the IKS Negh’var!!!
The massive warship decloaks and floats menacingly before the smaller Celestial.
Baque - Ah... fuck.
Announcer (comm) - Annnnnnnnnnnnnndddddddddddddd...... FIGHT!
Boom, ship rocks, sparks!
Genocide - Son of a bitch! Returning fire!
Bios - Their shields are holding.
Baque - Taking evasive manoeuvres.
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Baque - Damn, they know all the standard evasive patterns don’t they?
Garell - Does anyone realize how corny it is that we’re fighting our allies? I mean, who’s running this thing?
Senseless - Cats. That should be all the answer you need.
Boom, ship rocks, master systems display console sparks and kills a No-Name.
Genocide - Hull breach on deck 6! Emergency forcefields are... ah who am I kidding, we’re screwed!
Righteous - Alright, to the fire caves with decency, start fighting to win! Target their warp core and fire at will!
Genocide - Now you’re talking!
Camera watches as the Celestial comes about and hits the Negh’var with phasers, pulse phasers, and quantum torpedoes as it flies toward the Klingon ship. Camera goes to the Klingon ship’s bridge.
Chancellor Martok - They have teeth after all! Gunnery officer, fire at will!
Camera watches as the Negh’var empties its torpedo tubes into the Celestial, with the last one blowing a chunk out of the hull near the bridge. The camera goes to the Celestial’s bridge, where everything starts exploding and people get thrown around. Baque is blown clear of his exploding helm station. Blavik takes the helm while Dr. Puker tends to Baque’s injuries.
Genocide - Hull breach, decks 2, 3, and 4! Dorsal shields are down!
Blavik - Port aft impulse engine sustained a direct hit. We’re venting plasma from the nacelle pylon.
Garell - I’m on it.
However, just as she finishes saying that, the engineering console explodes, throwing her across the room. Puker leaves Baque and goes to help her.
Baque - Hey!!!
Puker - Sorry, but she’s more valuable right now. Besides, you have a replacement.
Baque, bleeding from several locations, and in extreme pain, manages to look at Blavik and say:
Baque - This is all your fault!
With that he falls unconscious.
Scene 10 - On the bridge of the Vor’cha-class ship under the command of Captain Kiblets, a guard drags Tener and Casey in.
Kiblets - Good, you’re here. You should be honoured. You’re about to witness the greatest revolution in the Empire since the time of Kahless!
Tener - Yes, I’m full of barely contained enthusiasm.
Klingon #3 - Sir, the IKS Negh’var is already engaged in battle, near Qo’noS.
Kiblets - Excellent, that should prove enough of a distraction. Order all ships! Decloak, and attack!!!!!!1111<
The camera goes into space and watches as several dozen Klingon ships decloak and begin moving towards Qo’noS. On the Celestial’s bridge, which is engulfed in flames with dead bodies and beams littering the floor, Genocide manages to yell over the sounds of exploding ship.
Genocide - Sir! Sensors are picking up a large group of Klingon ships heading our way!!!
Senseless - Gah, who’s still conscious up here?
Blavik, Puker, Bios, Righteous, Genocide - Yo.
Senseless - Whatever. Get an ID on those ships...
Pause, silence fills the bridge.
Senseless - Why did the Negh’var stop shooting at us?
Genocide - They’ve moved off to engage the incoming fleet... huh...
Righteous - Oh, they’re not getting away from us that easily. Helm, pursuit course.
Blavik - Aye sir.
Senseless - Belay that.
Blavik - Aye sir.
Senseless - Sir, we need to repair ourselves before we try again. Our weapons are offline, our shields are nearly gone, and our engines can’t take much more of a beating.
Baque (still lying on the floor) - I can’t feel anything below my neck!
Righteous - Stop whining, Lieutenant-Commander. Jack, we have a chance to stab these guys in the back while we have a chance. Fixed up or not, we won’t survive another fair fight with them.
Genocide - Actually sir, he’s probably right.
Bios (looking at her console) - Woah, have you guys read the galactic weather report recently?
Righteous - Quiet, girl who breaks stuff a lot, find their weakest point and send the place to Mr. Genocide. Naive Vulcan underling, full speed ahead!
The barely-functioning Celestial plows toward the IKS Negh’var, which has opened fire on the invading fleet of ships. One of the invading ships moves over and starts firing at the Federation vessel. On the bridge...
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Righteous - Prophets damn it, he’s breaking the rules! Other ships aren’t allowed in here!
Baque - Everything is going black!
Genocide - I can’t be certain, but I don’t think those new ships are exactly friendly to either side.
Senseless - Klingons. It figures. You annoy one and the next thing you know they’re all jumping for battle.
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Righteous - Hmm... forget it. Let’s just help the guys who only twenty seconds ago were trying to kill us.
Scene 11 - On the bridge of Captain Kiblet’s flagship, Tener and Casey are both bored and playing I Spy, while the Klingons are having a field day blowing things up.
Klingon #3 (after destroying some nameless Klingon ship that showed up to help the Negh’var) - Glory is ours!!!
All Klingons on Bridge - Qapla’!
Tener - Let’s see... I spy, with my little eye, something that is big, smelly, stupid, and contrived.
Casey - Captain Kiblets?
Tener - Hmm... must have been too obvious.
Kiblets (not hearing) - Bring us about! Target the Negh’var! Put Chancellor Martok out of his misery.
Little do they know that Chancellor Martok couldn’t be happier. Camera goes to the Negh’var’s bridge.
Martok - All weapons! Fire at will! Perhaps today is a good day to die!
No-Name Klingon #1 - Oh crap! I still owe Gorath from the targ fight last night! I can’t go to Sto’vo’kor owing money to that Ha’DIbaH!
Martok takes his disruptor and kills No-Name Klingon #1. Camera goes back to a still bored Tener and Casey.
Tener - Alright, I spy... something that is... broken.
Casey - The Celestial.
Tener - Ha, ha, well that’s true but in this case I meant the door—
Casey - No, like, I mean the Celestial is here.
Tener - What!?!
He looks at the viewscreen which is showing the USS Celestial plodding toward them and meekly firing phasers.
Tener - What the hell are they doing here?
Casey - Maybe they’ve, like, come to save us?
Tener - You’re fairly new, so I’ll let that comment slide without a snide remark about your lack of intelligence. No, if they’re here, it’s for a dumb reason, you can count on that.
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Klingons #3 - Sir, the Federation ship is attacking us!
Kiblets - Destroy them!
Tener - No! We need them to take us back to Federation space! This ship smells funny!
He elbows the nearest guard and takes the guard’s weapon. He blindly starts shooting it around the room, missing everything of importance but managing to kill at least four Klingons, and nearly hitting Casey.
Casey - Darn it sir, you like nearly hit me!
Tener - Okay, I’ll try harder next time!
Kiblets - Someone kill him!
Klingon #3 (the only other Klingon left, hiding behind his console) - Do it yourself if you’re so tough!
Tener resets the disruptor, trying to find the stun setting.
Tener - Damn, how do you work these stupid things?
Thinking he has it, he aims it at the helm console and fires, only to have said console explode violently, taking out Klingon #3 who was nearby.
Kiblets - Darn it, good help is so hard to come by.
Tener - Ensign, get a weapon and watch the door.
Casey, who had just been standing there looking stupid, snaps to attention.
Casey - Uh, right!
Tener starts reading displays as the ship shakes some more.
Tener - Oh, this isn’t good. The Klingon Defence Fleet is losing.
Kiblets - Ha! Long live me!
Tener - Can it, Kiblets.
Kiblets - That’s Emperor Kiblets to you!
Tener - You know, as soon as I find the damn stun setting on this thing I’m going to shut you up.
Casey - Sir! Like, angry peoples!
Tener - Hold them off! I’ll try to seal the bridge.
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Tener - I wonder if all our enemies have this much of a smooth ride when we’re attacking them.
Casey (shooting blindly down the corridor leading away from the bridge) - Sir!?!
Tener - Shut up Casey, I’m reading Klingon as fast as I can... wait a minute, I can’t even read Klingon!
He starts fiddling with the console and miraculously somehow changes the language interface and all the consoles become covered in English.
Tener - I don’t care how implausible that was, just, sweeeeeeeeet.
He hits some buttons and a forcefield engages around the bridge, stopping the advancing Klingons.
Tener - Okay, that won’t last forever. Casey, find the comm system and order everyone to surrender.
Casey - Won’t they, like, not believe me?
Tener - Look, just make something up.
Casey hops over to the Ops console and starts pressing buttons, then leans into the panel and starts talking in her best Klingon impersonation, which sounds like a Borg who has just been kicked in the crotch.
Casey - Um... all ships... like... stand down... and... stop fighting.
Tener slaps his forehead.
Tener - God damn it, Casey...
Casey (still talking into comm) - They’ve... um... like... (decides it’s not going to work so she stops trying)... totally promised to make us all pies! Blood pies! Yeah, it’s gonna be freaking awesome! Cause the whole like honour thing is like, big these days so they’re gonna like give us all medals for like being all dutiful and stuff and then we’re all going to Disneyworld! Flagship out!
She turns off the comm channel.
Tener - If we make it out of this, I’m going to have to kill you.
Casey - If? They totally bought it!
Tener - Yeah, and targs fly.
Binky the Mistreated Targ goes flying across the viewscreen, a jetpack strapped to his back.
Binky - ...(no one can hear you scream in space)
A temporal portal sucks him up.
Tener - Uh...
Casey - All invading ships are, like, dropping shields and are shutting down their weapons.
Tener - If I wasn’t so sure you’d give me cooties, I’d hug you right now.
Opening Credits... sorry, forgot about them. Better late than never, I guess.
Scene 12 - The Celestial is cruising along at warp, with most of the hull breaches fixed up.
Righteous (voiceover) - Captain’s log, stardate 59787.7. In exchange for helping them defeat a very poorly thought out insurgency, the Klingon Empire decided to forgo destroying us. Starbase 106 finally called to say that Tener and Casey were late, but we kinda knew that already. I’d give them both medals for inadvertently saving the ship but I can’t seem to remember where I put all my giving-medals. Anywho, we’re just on our way off into the stars getting bored again.
Camera goes to the bridge. Baque is still lying on the floor nearly dead, but no one else from the senior staff is present.
Baque - A little help, guys?
The camera goes to the messhall where the rest of the senior officers are just sort of hanging out and not really doing any work to help fix the ship.
Garell - No seriously, a bar in here’s a great idea.
Bios - We have holodecks for that.
Garell - I don’t trust those things.
Puker - Well all’s well that ends well: We saved face with the Klingons, stopped a civil war, figured out we could just email the paperwork for Ensign Casey into Starfleet Command, and no one got hurt.
Blavik - Except Lieutenant-Commander Baque who is still lying on the bridge with his neck broken.
Puker - Yeah, yeah, I was getting to him.
Senseless - Lieutenant Bios, what was it you were saying about the galactic weather report just before we went back into battle?
Bios - Oh, there’s a massive ion storm predicted to pass right over Earth in a few days.
Genocide - Damn it! Why does everything in the Universe hate that planet!?? God damn it!