Episode 47: “An Incompetent Truth”
Written by Swordtail
Published October 31, 2007
Scene 1 - Camera pans around a media studio somewhere. It then goes to zoom in on a female journalist and her camera crew, who are all carrying super-duper technologically advanced video recorders and some of them wearing those dumb head sets from Star Trek: Generations.
Journalist - Are we rolling?
Cameraman #1 - Yep.
Journalist - Oh. Hi. I’m Brenda Selder, working for the Federation News Service. Under funding of the Feline Association of Influence, because the FNS was way too cheap, we’re here to bring to you a documentary on, among other things, one of the front lines between us and some of the biggest threats in the galaxy: the Ninth Fleet.
Camera jumps to several shots of various Ninth Fleet ships doing things, like getting blown up, or blowing up other things, or just not working.
Selder (voiceover) - Starfleet’s smallest fleet has some pretty uncommon players. Tonight, we’ll bring you interviews and commentary from the hard working men and women who fight every day to ensure our society progresses and, in some cases, even survives.
Camera jumps to Lieutenant-Commander Baque, who is sitting in a chair in some studio somewhere. The subtitle “Lieutenant-Commander Toc Baque, Helmsman, USS Celestial” appears at the bottom.
Baque - Okay Brenda, first things first... hard working? Are you nuts?
Opening Credits.... woot, 47 episodes! Hooray for too much spare time!
Scene 2 - Camera is on Selder as she aimlessly prances around the studio like these documentary hosts usually do.
Selder - Welcome back. Let’s start with a little back story on the Ninth Fleet.
Camera goes to some random DS9 battle.
Selder (voiceover) - Up until mid-2374, the Ninth Fleet was simply like any other Federation fleet at the time: A mix of Starfleet and Klingon ships trying to defeat the Dominion. However, sometime after the re-take of Deep Space Nine, the Ninth Fleet began to lose steam.
Camera goes to DS9 from the episode “Favor the Bold.” Sisko is talking with Admiral Ross about their plan to retake the station from the Dominion.
Sisko - What do you mean the Ninth Fleet can’t make it? How can they be a day behind the Second and the Fifth Fleets?
Ross - Apparently they’re all having engine trouble.
Sisko - A likely excuse. I bet they’re all stopped over at Risa.
Ross - Well... ur... yes.
Camera goes back to Selder.
Selder - The Ninth Fleet remained fairly unimportant through the remainder of the war, and after the war was over the fleet was all but defunct. Fearing the paperwork required to reassign all those ships, Starfleet Command turned to its most promising new brass officer.
Camera jumps to another interview session. Fleet Admiral Spot is sitting in a chair, while the subtitle “Fleet Admiral Spot, Chief of Defence Staff, Former Ninth Fleet Commander” flashes at the bottom.
Spot - Yeah... it was a bit of a mess when I took it over. Half the ships hadn’t even been on a decent mission in months, and the rest hadn’t had a successful mission in twice as long. But I had things running smoothly in no time flat. Cats are good at that.
Selder - Alright, so what went wrong?
Spot - Oh, I can answer that one for you.
Camera goes to a flashback, from Celestial Episode 1...
Ensign Center - Captain! There is a transmission coming in from the Fourth Fleet! They say that the Breen have developed a new energy dampener weapon that affects our ships. 68% of the fourth fleet has already been destroyed!
Garell - God help us all...
Righteous - You’re right! We do need divine intervention. Helm, set a course for the wormhole, maximum warp!
Camera goes back to Spot.
Spot - And it all went down hill from there...
Camera jumps to an interview subtitled “Captain Righteous Lee, Commanding Officer, USS Celestial.”
Righteous - I didn’t see what the big deal was at the time. It’s not like we would have been much of a help, if what Ensign Center said was true. Protecting Bajor and the Celestial Temple seemed like a better use of our time.
Selder - And what did Admiral Spot say when you didn’t go help the Fourth Fleet?
Camera jumps to Spot.
Spot - Oh, I totally flipped. If I remember correctly, it was raining that day. I hate rain, and I hate incompetent ships even more. Oh yeah, my mood was real stellar at the time. Well, long story short, the Fourth Fleet was decimated. There weren’t enough ships left to even call it a fleet anymore, so we scrapped it and reassigned the Celestial to the Ninth Fleet, which I was in charge of at the time... letting Admiral Ross do that was the biggest mistake of my life.
Camera jumps to “Admiral Ross, No one really knows what he does.”
Admiral Ross - Well we had to slow down her career somehow. At the rate she was going she would have been Federation President by the end of the first season.
Camera goes back to Spot.
Spot - Well, no point cursing about spilt milk. I just sucked it up and did the best I could with them.
Selder - And how did that go?
Spot - Where have you been living the past three years? Cause I’d love to buy a house there!
Camera goes back to Selder in the main studio.
Selder - A lot of the Ninth Fleet’s problems have been blamed on the USS Celestial, but from their point of view, it may not be their fault at all.
Camera goes to “Lieutenant-Commander Genocide, Tactical Officer, USS Celestial.”
Genocide - Well, yeah, we don’t always follow the rules, but tonnes of other starships didn’t either. Have you read Captain Kirk’s logs? No, if anything is to blame for the problems of the Ninth Fleet, it’s Chester. Things really started going bad after he showed up.
Camera goes back to Selder in the studio.
Selder - A scapegoat? Or is this “Chester” character really to blame for Admiral Spot’s gray hairs? Well, we got an exclusive interview with the evil cat himself... and if you’re wondering how, maybe you should watch this holographic re-enactment of the Celestial’s trip back to Earth after their last mission.
Camera goes to the bridge of the Celestial. Everyone is present, except Righteous, who walks in from his ready room.
Righteous - Guess what?!
Righteous - Starfleet found Chester! Since we’re the closest ship to his location, we’ve been ordered to go and try to get him.
Senseless - Uh, shouldn’t we be sending a whole taskforce?
Righteous - Nope. Turns out all we’ll need are some diplomatic skills.
Baque - What?
Righteous - Admiral Nelix said apparently Chester turned himself over to a planet on Fortus VII. The natives have this law system that’s a little different than ours.
Genocide - This doesn’t bode well...
The tape fast-forwards to when they get to the planet.
Senseless - Ensign, hail their government.
Casey - Like, already on it sir.
Eventually a goofy forehead alien who looks important appears on the screen.
Alien - I am the Supreme Justice of the Fortus VII legal system. Who might you be?
Senseless - I’m Commander Jack Senseless of the USS Celestial. We’re here representing the United Federation of Planets.
Supreme Justice - Ah yes, we were contacted earlier. You want us to turn over a certain feline named Chester?
Senseless - Yeah, if it’s not too much trouble. He’s guilty of quite a few high-level crimes in the Federation and we need to get him back to prosecute him.
Supreme Justice - As we already told your superiors, he’s been granted asylum on our world.
Camera jumps to Senseless in an interview room.
Senseless - As soon as I’d heard that I knew it was gonna be one of those days...
Camera goes to “Ensign Blavik, Head Nurse, USS Celestial.”
Blavik - The Fortus VII legal system is a little different that ours. They consider incarceration a cruel and unusual punishment. Essentially, the maximum punishment one can receive on their world is limited house arrest. People are still free to do as they wish, but they must attend counseling sessions and are under constant surveillance.
Camera goes to “Lieutenant-Commander Garell, Chief Engineer, USS Celestial.”
Garell - Of course, it didn’t help that we infected him with a fatal disease. These guys didn’t look too kindly on biological weapons.
Camera goes to “Lieutenant Sa’lol, Science Officer, USS Solaris.”
Sa’lol - Hey, I didn’t exactly have much time to come up with something else!
Camera goes back to the bridge of the Celestial while they’re still talking with the Supreme Justice.
Senseless - Look, the whole virus thing was an accident. We’re prepared to cure him as soon as he’s in custody but—
Supreme Justice - We’ve already provided him with a life-time supply of a treatment that will relieve the effects of the disease and keep him alive.
Genocide - You did what!?! Do you have any idea how dangerous that cat is!? He’ll kill everyone on your planet if given the chance.
Supreme Justice - He says he’s willing to change his ways and live a life of peace from now on. We have to give him the benefit of the doubt. One of the rights on our world is that you’re considered to be telling the truth until proven a liar. Oh, and he wanted me to give you a message: “Nyah, nyah, nyah, I win again, you lousy excuses for sentient beings. Stick that up your... something...” That word must not have translated properly.
Camera jumps to the interview with Genocide.
Genocide - There wasn’t really much we could do at that point. The Federation gives asylum to people all the time because we feel they would face cruel punishment in their society of origin. If we suddenly got all uptight about these guys, we’d be pretty hypocritical.
Selder - So you agree with their methods?
Genocide - No, I didn’t say that. If I had my way I’d blow that cat’s brains all over the wall, despite whatever the Federation Council wants to do with him. I haven’t been allowed to blow up anything in ages!!!
Camera goes back to Selder in the studio.
Selder - So there you have it. Because of the legal system of another race, Chester is essentially a free cat. But did he really cause so much havoc?
Camera goes to “Chester, ex-Leader of the Orion Syndicate.”
Chester - Well, it all started when I was sharing an apartment with Liam Bilby. I knew the second I saw him that Miles O’Brien was a spy, but Bilby, being an idiot, wouldn’t listen. He kept going on and on about “trust” and “family values", and all that crap. I wasn’t sorry to see him go. Then there was Raimus, and, well, he was a piece of cake to overthrow. From there it was easy enough to get to the top of the Syndicate. O’Brien, being stupid as always, allowed me full access to Deep Space Nine for months! The only setback was Molly. God, that kid has a lot of hair scrunchies...
Selder - A lot of your former colleagues say that the Syndicate was better off as an underground crime organization, that when you turned it into an interstellar power, you ruined its credibility.
Chester - That’s ridiculous. Everyone knows if a resistance faction is to make a dent in the ruling system, they have to organize. There’s plenty of examples in Earth’s history: Look at the Irish Rebellion of 1798? The FLQ? The Confederate States of America?
Selder - Um... those all failed.
Chester - My point exactly.
Selder - Right... So when did you first encounter the Ninth Fleet?
Chester - Just a few days after I seized power over the Syndicate. Starfleet was worried I’d coerce planets to break away from the rest of the Federation so they sent the USS Celestial to stop me... That is, they were going to.
Camera jumps to Garell.
Garell - Look, shooting the warp core seemed like a good idea at the time. How was I supposed to know it would cause a feedback in the reaction matrix and fuse the ejection subroutines?
The camera pans left to where Lieutenant-Comander Dalarsh, the Andorian Chief Engineer from the USS Solaris is staring at Garell.
Dalarsh - ...What are you, retarded?
Garell - If you weren’t blue as well, I’d kick your ass.
Camera goes back to the interview with Chester.
Chester - Had they actually sent the Celestial I would have seen them coming a parsec away and gone into hiding again, but no, they sent a measly little Sabre-class ship, the SS Dumdum or something like that. I can’t remember. Long story short, they’re idiots so it was easy to get away anyway. Actually that whole incident was kinda contrived now that I think about it.
Camera goes to Fleet Admiral Spot.
Spot - Yeah, Righteous and his gang kinda screwed it up a bit, and by a bit I mean they royally stepped in it... can you believe they actually blew up their own ship to keep from having to go to Bajor? I mean, if they did it tomorrow it wouldn’t surprise me at all, but back then I didn’t know them that well so it still came as a shock. Ever choked on a hairball? Not fun.
Camera goes back to Chester.
Chester - So... let’s see... after that I followed them back in time... then kidnapped Admiral Spot.
Camera jumps to Fleet Admiral Spot.
Spot - Yeah, he’s pretty bad at that. No torture, no death threats, all he did was gloat that he had captured me, which considering how easy it was, isn’t something to be proud of.
Back to Selder in the studio.
Selder - But, whether it was just plain incompetence, or due to the intervention of Chester, it can’t be underestimated the impact the Ninth Fleet has had on quadrant affairs... particularly the USS Celestial.
Camera goes to Tellarite #1, you know, the one whose ship is always getting damaged...
Tellerite #1 - The first time I ran into the Celestial it was quite literally. Actually, they ran into me. Decompressed more than two thirds of my ship! Then they threatened to kill me if I told anyone, but here I am! But it’s not just the Celestial. A few months after that and the USS Saratoga sliced my ship in two and nearly killed me. Then, on stardate 59584.9, or 436084.9 in the scale that they used at the time cause the author had a brain fart or something and didn’t think it over before starting to use it, the Celestial crashed into my ship, again! And, to top it all off, the USS Solaris crashed into me near a comet because they couldn’t see where they were going, a few months ago! I haven’t managed to get any of the big freight contracts in years!
Insert random shots of various planets exploding.
Camera goes to “Satan, Dark Lord, Ninth Circle of Hell.”
Satan - Yeah, I don’t know what they got into their heads, but all of a sudden they just showed up in the afterlife unannounced. They were after the design plans to some stupid little ship or something. Anyway, naturally, they screwed everything up and destroyed the First Ringworld of Hell. It’s put quite a strain on the other eight... oh, and Brenda? Your father says hi.
Camera goes back to Selder in the studio.
Selder - So, whether it be aggravated freighter captains, or the devil himself, it seems that the reach of the destructive potential of the Ninth Fleet has no apparent end. In fact, as one eyewitness saw, they’ve been as far the other side of Romulan territory causing trouble.
Camera goes to some alien who only has one eye.
Alien - I saw it all!
Camera goes back to Selder.
Selder (squinting at the tele-prompter) - Sorry, that actually said “one-eyed witness.”
Camera goes to “Commander Nezna Ren, 1st Officer, USS Solaris,” who has a bottle of whisky in one hand and is waving a PADD around in the other.
Ren - No, no, no, you’ve got it all wrong. It’s not the Celestial’s fault this shit keeps happening to them. They’re just in the wrong place at the wrong time as usual. I mean, they haven’t blown up their ship aside from that once time, and a lot of people are now assuming it may have been sabotage that lead to that. I mean, there’s no reason shooting the warp core with a phaser should cause it to overload. I mean, that would be pretty stupid if it couldn’t survive a hit from a small arms blast! Take it from me, a former engineer, someone weakened the magnetic confinement on that thing. It was just a matter of time before it blew. Frankly, I think they were better off finding out at that time then if they were in battle. What do you think?
She turns and the camera pans left to see Ensign Casey sitting next to her.
Casey - What are you looking at me for? I wasn’t there.
Ren puts the bottle down and starts tapping buttons on the PADD. Casey just looks at the bottle of alcohol.
Ren - Look, on their first mission of any great importance, the Celestial disobeyed orders and stayed in Breen space. If they hadn’t done that, they never would have found out what the Breen were planning on doing. I have a sneaking suspicion that the Prophets warned the good Dominion as well, hence the multitude of ships they moved to secure their side of the wormhole.
Selder - Yes, but wasn’t it the Prophets who warned the Celestial in the first place?
Ren - True, but many scholars believe that the Prophets aren’t all-seeing, and that they can only see through the eyes of Bajorans. Thus, if Captain Righteous and his gang of misfits hadn’t been in Breen space, the Prophets never would have known about the plot.
Casey picks up the bottle, takes a sniff from the open top, and passes out. Ren just looks at her.
Ren - Wow... I bet you’re fun at parties.
Casey (mumbling) - My kidneys hurt...
Camera goes to Righteous.
Righteous - She said that? Why I outta... Okay, to set the record straight, the Prophets would have warned us whether we were in Breen space or not. Us going there did not have anything to do with saving the Alpha Quadrant.
Selder - So you’re saying it was just incompetence?
Righteous - Yes. Our being there was nothing but complete incompetence... wait, that didn’t sound right. Hey, why are your initials B.S?
Back to the studio...
Selder - So there you have it. Righteous Lee is an idiot. But what about the other captains in the Ninth Fleet?
Camera goes to “Captain Leon Farfetched, USS Saratoga.”
Farfetched - First time I met those jackasses I was giving them some encrypted orders that they never even followed. In fact, rumour has it he read them wrong, then believed Admiral Spot when she denied sending them at all.
Camera looks at Selder’s blank stare.
Farfetched - Hey, if the universe made sense, it would be a pretty boring place now wouldn’t it?
Camera goes to “Captain Amy Castanea, USS Citadel.”
Castanea - Pbbt, don’t look at me for answers. I only met them after Admiral Nelix sent both of us into some uncharted and dangerous area of space. Things just went downhill after that. I’ve been in re-hab six times since then.
Camera goes to “Captain Ketrell Valen, USS Solaris.”
Ketrell - Yeah, apparently I should have read the fine print and done a little research before I so eagerly accepted command of Solaris. We all risked our necks bringing in Chester while the rest of the Federation licked its wounds and then his cronies broke him out of jail only a few days later! Not a proud moment for the fleet.
Camera goes to Lieutenant Sa’lol.
Sa’lol - What’s he complaining about, I did all the work!
Camera goes to “Lieutenant-Commander Richard Adair, Tactical Officer, USS Solaris.”
Adair - Oh please, all she did was apply for a job at Orion Vacuums Syndicated and then infect Chester with a dumb virus or something. Seriously, a virus? How hard is that? I could have done that in my sleep.
Camera goes to “Doctor Vaughn Puker, Chief Medical Officer, USS Celestial.”
Puker - I do do that in my sleep sometimes!
Camera goes to “Lieutenant Bios, Science Officer, USS Celestial.”
Bios - Um, what’s with the off-topic-ness? Seriously though, your stupid interview script says this is going to be put right after that segment with the captains, so what the heck do you need me to say?
Selder - I don’t know, anything. Make a pie joke if you have to.
Bios - Wouldn’t making a pi joke be irrational? ZING!
Commander Shelby (from offscreen) - LAME!
Bios - Oh like you could do better!
Back to the studio thingy.
Selder - However, she was right, so instead of reshooting the whole interview scene, we’ll just add to it by going straight to the top and working back down.
Camera goes to “Admiral Nelix, Fleet Commander, Ninth Fleet.”
Selder - So how did you get this job?
Nelix - Because Admiral Spot hates me.
Selder - And why is that?
Nelix - I don’t know! She says I send ships on random and highly dangerous missions, but isn’t there always a little risk in space travel? The great Captain Kirk once said “Risk is our business.”
Selder - James T. Kirk was a moron.
Nelix - Yes, but he was the greatest and luckiest moron ever to live.
Selder - So how do you respond to the accusations that the Ninth Fleet is just an accident waiting to happen?
Nelix - Waiting to happen? No, Ms. Selder, there’s no “waiting” involved. The kitty litter hit the fan the second the fleet got reorganized to include the USS Celestial, USS Borg Buster, and lately the USS Solaris. But mostly the USS Celestial.
Selder - Could you give some examples?
Nelix - Oh where to start... well, they were responsible for destroying the Golden Gate Bridge over a year ago, and were partly responsible for the destruction of that small town that used to house Admiral Spot’s house, and they were responsible somehow for creating the radioactive mutant zombie no-names that pissed us off for so long, and they nearly destroyed the timeline. Um... what else... oh yeah, they failed to capture Chester numerous times, gave Species 8472 tactical information on the Federation, pissed off the Borg a few times, pissed off the Breen a few times too few, failed their annual inspection three years in a row, nearly blew up the USS Saratoga, oh I could go on for hours.
Selder - So you’re saying that the Celestial is the reason the public opinion of the Ninth Fleet is so low?
Nelix - Hell yeah, and I bet if you ask anyone else you’ll get the same answer.
Camera goes to Captain Ketrell.
Ketrell - Oh yeah, Celestial’s fault.
Camera goes to other people.
Farfetched - Celestial.
Shelby - Yep, Celestial.
Commander Ren - Oh no fucking doubt. Celestial.
Tellerite #1 - Oh yeah, the Celestial.
Binky the Mistreated Targ - Whee!
Lieutenant-Commander Baque - Oh yeah, no doubt we’re to blame.
Senseless - Yeah, it’s kinda mostly our fault.
Genocide - Well, I suppose when you look at it that way we’re partly to blame...
Captain Righteous - It’s all the Pah Wraith’s fault!
Camera goes to a Pah Wraith.
Pah Wraith (annoyed) - Oh sure, blame the non-corporeal beings, why don’cha?
Camera goes to Lieutenant Tener.
Tener - Why does this episode have no plot? At all? I mean, we normally don’t have much in the way of a plot line, since it’s too much trouble for the author to actually plan out the episode before writing it, but this one just takes the cake.
Selder - Yes, that’s fine, but what I wanted to know was who you thought is most responsible for the perils of the Ninth Fleet.
Tener - And another thing: Why am I almost always the one to point out these blatant errors in continuity and plausibility? I thought Commander Senseless was supposed to be the one with a good grasp on reality?
Camera jumps to Commander Senseless.
Senseless - Oh, I see these things, I just learned a long time ago that complaining about them won’t change them, so I gave up. Probably for the best too. Last time I let discontinuity and ludicrous stupidity get to me, I ended up crashing on a Breen-controlled planet with only a targ as company.
Camera goes to Casey, who has either already recovered or the clip is from a much later time.
Casey - Like, what?
Selder - Do you think the Celestial is responsible for the problems of the Ninth Fleet?
Casey - Like, how should, like, I know? I wasn’t like even like on the ship until a few months ago. Oh, hey do you like know where I can like find the refreshments around here? I haven’t eaten in hours!
Camera goes to look at Selder, who simply raises an eyebrow, then goes into a voiceover while still in that same camera angle.
Selder (voiceover) - Slightly confused, I decided to check into this Casey person.
Camera goes to Baque.
Selder - Your operations officer seems a little... how should I put this...
Baque - Incompetent? Dense? Moronic? Three hail-Mary’s short of being another Captain Righteous?
Selder - In a manner of speaking.
Baque - Oh you don’t know the half of it. We literally were out of options when we hired her, but we all mostly regret it now. Here’s a joke for you: How many dumb blondes does it take to open hailing frequencies? Apparently more than one.
Selder - How did she get into Starfleet Academy if she can barely find her way to the lobby?
Baque - I try not to think how she got into Starfleet Academy...
Back to Selder aimlessly wandering around the probably holographic studio...
Selder - It doesn’t take a dying monkey to figure out the answer is yes, the Celestial is mostly responsible for the problems in the Ninth Fleet. So, that being said, what does Starfleet plan to do about it?
Camera goes to Admiral Nelix.
Nelix - Pbbt, I don’t know. I always thought they were protected by Admiral Spot herself. Maybe she secretly likes them.
Camera goes to Fleet Admiral Spot.
Spot - He said that? I’m gonna kill him! If I had the power to boot the lot of them out of Starfleet again, I would!
Selder - According to the records, you were the one who pushed to get them back in command of the USS Celestial after the Species 8472 incident.
Spot - Look, it was either them or a bunch of even more incompetent no-names running the ship. If I could just push them aside and replace them with people who wouldn’t slice moons in two because they couldn’t follow the Prime Directive, and leave a planet alone.... Seriously, every time they answer the distress calls of a planet, or just go to a planet, they end up causing the deaths of millions of people. Do you have any idea how much paperwork that causes? Let’s just say it’s a good thing the Federation only uses electronic documents, or we’d need to build another spacedock just to store the stuff the Celestial forces us to fill out.
Selder - Speaking of the spacedock...
Spot - No, don’t even start.
The camera randomly goes to a small control room on the Earth spacedock, where two workers are tapping away at panels.
Worker #1 - Why don’t the Gamma side space doors close all the way anymore?
Camera goes to look at the doors, which are slightly open in the middle, from what looks like something repeatedly hitting it over a long period of time. The camera goes back to that studio thing.
Selder - We’ll be right back, after these messages.
Director (from somewhere) - Annnnnnd.... CUT!
A bell rings and the camera moves back to encompass the entire studio. All the cameramen stop what they’re doing and start chatting with each other. Selder marches over to Commander Ren and grabs the whiskey bottle from her, then proceeds to chug it down. Finishing it all in one drink, she drops the bottle where it harmlessly bounces around the room. Ren just sort of looks at her as she walks away.
Ren - HEY!
The camera goes over to where Baque, Genocide, Garell, Tener, and Blavik are complaining about having to be there.
Baque - This entire thing is so pointless it makes my head hurt. What a total waste of time.
Garell - Oh at least you didn’t have to sit through three hours of me trying to explain just how a 2.6 million tonne ship can safely land on a planet... only to find out they decided to cut it from the final production.
Genocide - I better get that God damned flak cannon they promised me.
Tener - This entire scenario is lame. It’s like the powers that be decided to try to explain away half of the recurring plot holes at once.
Blavik - If that’s the case, much more work needs to be done.
Baque - What are you complaining about, they only asked you one question so far.
Garell - Why are we doing this in the first place? Don’t we have better things to be doing, like, I don’t know, our jobs?
Tener - Yeah what about that ion storm that’s apparently heading straight for Earth?
Genocide - Look, this is still better than that race Admiral Spot made us enter.
Baque - Oh no, that was far better.
Fleet Admiral Spot walks over, not looking pleased.
Spot - I don’t know what you jerks are complaining about, at least you didn’t have to star in a holographic reenactment of your own life prior to entering Starfleet.
Garell - What?
Spot - (sigh) Over there...
She points to a monitor, before which stands a guy with a remote control. The movie starts playing with the title “The Life of Spot.” Camera zooms into the picture and it fills the screen.
The scene starts with a much younger Spot onboard the USS Enterprise, NCC-1701-D. Spot is in Data’s quarters, alone, tapping away at his computer workstation. Suddenly, the door opens and Lieutenant-Commander Data walks in and sees her.
Data - Spot, please get off the console.
Spot - Meow purr hiss! (Translation: Idiot, I’m trying to do work!)
Data walks over and picks spot up and puts her on the floor.
Data - Spot, down is good. Up is bad. This is down. It is good. The console is not a place for a cat.
Spot - meow HISS! (Damn it, Data, I’m trying to get my essay done for my application to Starfleet Academy!)
Data ignores her, obviously either not understanding her language or just not listening. Probably the latter. The door opens and Geordi LaForge walks in.
LaForge - You wanted to see me, Data?
Data - Geordi, it is becoming increasingly difficult to train Spot. I fear my methods are not working.
LaForge - You could try getting a dog instead.
Spot - HISS! (Oh just try it mister, and you’ll be missing an arm!)
LaForge - Data, have you noticed Spot seems to understand what we’re saying?
Data - That would be impossible, Geordi, cats are not sentient.
Spot - Meow purr hiss (Speak for yourself, you metal-brained moron.)
LaForge - Maybe we could get Doctor Crusher to prescribe something to make Spot more docile.
Spot - HISS! (Hey, banana face, come here for a second!)
Spot runs over and begins tearing LaForge’s leg to pieces with her claws.
Data - Geordi, I can not drug my cat. Besides, in the event that the Enterprise’s crew is stricken with a potent form of a cannabis-based compound interacting with highly unstable warp plasma, we may require Spot to pilot the ship and contact Starfleet Command.
LaForge - Data, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
Spot - Meow (Same here.)
LaForge leaves the room after kicking Spot off his leg. One out in the hallway, he stops for a second to think.
LaForge (to himself) - Hmm... I wonder if that would work...
The scene jumps back to looking at the confused faces of Genocide, Garell, Baque, Blavik, Tener, Puker, Bios, Sa’lol, Ren, Ketrell, and a painfully embarrassed Admiral Spot.
Sa’lol - He didn’t really mix weed and warp plasma, did he?
Spot - (groaning) Yes!
Sa’lol - Man, sucks to be you...
Spot (regaining composure) - No, I’m pretty sure it sucks to be all of us at this point. Thanks to someone blowing the whistle, the entire quadrant is gonna know all your little blunders.
Righteous walks by.
Righteous - Admiral, how come we’re hardly ever the only ship in the sector? Why is there almost always another Ninth Fleet ship nearby?
Ketrell - Plot purposes.
Spot - No, not really. If one of you were the only ship in the sector, we’d have to write that entire sector off as a lost cause.
Brenda Selder walks back into the room.
Selder - Alright, back to work everyone. Let’s wrap this up.
Tener - Yes, because you know, you have to have a good ending to wrap up the “plot.”
Selder - We’re going to rearrange it all!
Tener - Yeah, sure you are.
Genocide - Where’s my damn flak cannon?
Selder - You’ll get it later.
Genocide (muttering) - It better come with ammo...
Some Camera Guy - And in 4... 3... 2... 1...
Selder - Hi, we’re back, here to wrap up—
Suddenly, the room starts to fizzle out of existence, then a loud CRACK is heard and the entire studio vanishes, to be replaced a holodeck.
Selder - What the hell?
Garell goes over and pulls open a panel. Dalarsh goes to help her. They both look inside, then turn around.
Dalarsh - Fried. The whole holodeck is burnt out. You’ve probably lost your studio program too.
Selder - Son of a bitch!
Garell - Hey, I told you it probably wouldn’t work. Just be glad it didn’t cross-reference different programs and try to kill us like it did last time.
Suddenly one of the holoemitters explodes and kills a cameraman.
Selder - Okay we’ll just move to the other holodecks.
Garell - What, so you can break those too?
Selder - Well, we need to wrap up this documentary.
Spot - Oh, I think you have enough to turn the entire fleet into a bigger joke than it already is. Now, Lieutenant Bios, did you manage to trace Chester’s holo-communication like I asked?
Bios - Yes ma’am, he’s still on that planet.
Spot (narrowing eyes) - Well, he can’t stay there forever...
Nelix - Uh... yes he can.
Spot - You obviously don’t understand the finer points of diplomacy...
Ketrell - What finer points of diplomacy?
Spot - Oh, well, let’s just say when you’re an 8,000 lightyear, trillion-plus population, borderline Type II, warp capable civilization consisting of over 200 planets and tens of thousands of battle-capable starships, your influence is pretty widespread... heh heh...
Doctor Puker walks into view.
Puker - As I always say, all’s well that ends well. Sure, we may have had a pathetically pointless episode based solely on a stupid premise and an even worse execution, but we’ve cleared up a couple plot holes—
Tener - And made even more—
Puker - -And put a human... err... humanoid face on Starfleet.
Spot and Nelix both look up at him.
Nelix - Are you on drugs?
Puker - No, why do you ask?
Nelix - Cause you’re acting retarded.
Puker - No not really. I mean, it’s kind of a miracle that we’ve gotten through 47 episodes without the author losing interest, the FBI shutting the series down because it almost constantly insults the American government, or thousands of unhappy readers crashing the servers with numerous complaints, threats, gripes, and general distaste.
Captain Ketrell - Yeah, I think the reason for that is that most people can’t stand to read past the first episode and don’t want to look like idiots by complaining about the series when they haven’t read the whole thing.
Casey - Hey isn’t this, like, actually the 48th episode?
Baque - Well, yeah, if you want to include that piece of garbage.
Garell - It was probably better than this one.
Righteous - I still say we should have done something special to commemorate this occasion. We could have all gone on a eye-opening religious pilgrimage, but nooooooooooooooooo, you had to bring in a news team to poke and prod us.
Tener - Nah this is just one of those stupid filler episodes. Don’t worry, I’m sure soon enough I’ll get stuck babysitting some idiot or being tortured by Klingons, cats, no offence sir and ma’am, or just plain mistreated like that targ over there.
Binky - WHEE!!!!
Binky gets sucked up by a temporal portal quite randomly, only to have it open two seconds later a few metres above the floor, dropping Binky on his head. Then another temporal portal opens and sucks him off into spacetime. Then, just because I’m on a roll, Logic Man materializes in the room.
Logic Man - Upon hearing of the making of a documentary that would be shown to billions of people, I concluded it would be only logical that I should take part in it. Where’s my dressing room?
Selder - Forget it. We’re done, I guess. That, and the holodeck shorted out.
Logic Man - I see.
He spies Blavik and Sa’lol in the midst of some kind of one sided sibling quibble. He goes over and greets them with the traditional Vulcan gesture.
Logican - Greetings, I do not believe we’ve been introduced, I am—
Sa’lol - Up yours, stone-face! And Blavik, this isn’t over... I am getting that plush toy sehlat back, and that’s final!
Blavik - And I continue telling you I don’t have it, that it was destroyed along with the other Celestial.
The camera pans by a confused looking Logic Man over to where Genocide is interrogating Selder.
Genocide - Now, where’s my god damned reward for putting up with sixteen hours of this crap?
Selder - Fine... Hey, Jerry! Bring out the weapon.
Some bored looking stagehand tosses a yellow bulky gun to Genocide. He catches it and looks at it. Lieutenant-Commander Adair comes over and also looks at the weapon.
Adair - Is... is that a Trident Defensive Technologies Series 7, Mark Three “Negotiator” Flechette Cannon?!!!?!!!!
Genocide - Sure looks that way!
He presses a button on it and it loads a shell.
Genocide - Sweeet.... Hey, Logic Man! Come here for a second.
Logic Man logically makes a quick exit from the room, with Genocide running after him, weapon at the ready, and Adair and Tener following close behind. The holodeck doors close, and the camera goes over to where Righteous is talking with Spot and Nelix, as the camera crew packs up.
Righteous - So, now that this documentary is out of the way, does this mean we’ll get some shore leave while we’re back at Earth?
Spot - Ha ha ha, you wish. I’m putting you on sentry duty.
Righteous - Prophets damn it!
The camera pans out of the room, then out of the ship, and zooms outward until it shows the USS Celestial, Litterbox, Solaris, Citadel, and Saratoga all warping along in formation. Suddenly there’s an explosion on the side of the Celestial and a hole is blown in the hull.
Genocide - Sorry! My bad!