Computer - Last time on Star Trek: The Celestial Parodies:
Spacedock Computer - Red alert! Red alert! We’re fucked! We’re fucked! Abandon station in an orderly fashion!
Spot - You get to babysit the spacedock while the entire solar system is shut down. Don’t screw it up.
Righteous - I’m pretty sure this isn’t exactly how the dialogue went.
Commander Spliff - Hey assholes! I’m baaaaacccckkkkkk!
Prime Minister of Earth - Do that thing you guys were doing to do.
Nelix - OK.
Ion Storm - KA-BLAMO!
Ninth Fleet - AHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh........!!!
Commander Spliff - WTF?
Spot - WTF?
Genocide, Adair, Nelix, Prime Minister, Shelby - Ah oh...
USS Enterprise - CRASH!
Computer - And now, the conclusion...
Scene 1 - Onboard Ex-Commander Spliff’s broken pirate ship or whatever you want to call it, the crew are reading consoles and tapping buttons.
No-Name Alien #1 - I’ve got it!
Spliff - Got what?
No-Name Alien #1 - I know why we weren’t affected! Our multi-spectral shielding protected us. I also think we can get through the barrier.
Spliff - And the Federation starships can’t?
No-Name Alien #1 - No sir!
Spliff - Alright, take us through the barrier!
The camera watches as the small ship passes effortlessly through the contrived energy bubble surrounding the Sol system.
Spliff - Hmm... we can pass through the energy barrier but Starfleet can’t...? Helm! Set a course for Romulus! Maximum warp!
The camera watches as the small ship begins to cloak and jumps to warp.
Opening Credits, take 49...
Scene 2 - The words “One week later...” flash by as the camera zooms in on the battered remains of the USS Celestial, Citadel, Saratoga, Solaris, and the crumpled-up form of the USS Enterprise.
Captain Righteous (voiceover) - Captain’s log, stardate 59817.8. Repairs are going slowly, because we’re only working with a skeleton crew. That, and over half of that skeleton crew was killed when we got thrown out here in the first place. I’d sure like to know who ordered the departure of over 600 people from the ship, because I have a few words for them...
Camera goes to the briefing room, where the entire senior staff minus Lieutenant-Commander Genocide are present.
Lieutenant-Commander Baque - That would have been you, moron.
Righteous - And it seemed like a good idea at the time...
Baque - No it didn’t!
Senseless - Enough! Engineering, report.
Garell - Warp drive will be fixed by the end of the day, but shields and weapons will take a bit longer.
Senseless - Alright, speed it up if you can.
Garell - No! I’ve been working my ass off for the last seven days trying to keep the ship from freezing solid or venting all the air! You speed it up!
Senseless - I’ll take it under advisement. Tactical?
Lieutenant Tener - Didn’t she just finish telling you that the weapons and ships are offline?
Senseless - Sorry, I’m just running through all the departments. Science?
Bios - Well unlike you guys, Casey and I have something to report.
Casey - Like, we do?
Bios - Yeah, remember that thing you were laughing about this morning?
Casey - Oh right! Okay, like this is kinda funny or whatever, anyway, like, we got the sensors, like, back on line okay? And then we noticed that like the entire solar system was surrounded by a nearly invisible, like, energy barrier and stuff. So it’s like being powered by the, like, sun, right? And we, like, can’t get through it unless we figure out the, like, frequency and stuff. And it’s sooo cool because it like effects matter on a, like, subatomic level so like, nothing can get in or out! You know?
Righteous - I understood that! Hooray!
Senseless - No sir, you didn’t. Bios, can you figure out the frequency from here?
Bios - No. It’s dependent on the output of the sun, which of course reaches Earth before it gets out here. Earth would need to send us the proper shield modulations.
Senseless - Assuming Earth is still in its proper orbit. It might have been blown out here like the rest of us.
Casey - No, Project Bubble was only supposed to toss out ships that had their shields up.
Everyone turns to look at her.
Casey - What!?!?
Senseless - Alright, what did you just say?
Casey - Don’t blame me! It was Genocide and Richard Adair’s plan!
Baque - Ah man, I do not envy the amount of shit they’re going to get in for this...
Scene 3 - Admiral Spot is pissed. Camera is in the President’s office in San Francisco. Spot, the President, the Prime Minister of Earth, Admiral Nelix, Genocide, Adair, and Shelby are present. Spot is practically screaming at the latter five.
Spot - I know it’s taken a week to have this meeting, but that’s bureaucracy for you. Now, what in the name of all that is furry possessed you to do such a thing!??!?!
Genocide - Well, uh, you see-
Spot - I’m not talking to you! Mr. Prime Minister, you are an idiot!
Prime Minister - But... I... it was their idea!
Spot - But you signed for it, therefore it’s your fault.
Genocide, Nelix, Adair, and Shelby high-five each other behind the Prime Minister’s back.
Spot - Do you have any idea, what you’ve done?
Prime Minister - Of course I do!
Spot - Explain it to me then!
Prime Minister - Um... what am I? An engineer?
Spot - That’s what I thought. Mr. President?
President - By the power invested me by the United Federation of Planets, I hereby dissolve your parliament and call for general elections within one month.
Prime Minister - Damn it, not again!
The Prime Minister storms out of the office.
Spot - Now, you four...
The other four officer’s smiles quickly fade.
Spot - What happened?
Nelix - Well, we were trying to create an energy bubble around the solar system, and, well, we succeeded alright. Unfortunately, the Ninth Fleet wasn’t where they were supposed to be, so they didn’t get our warning.
Spot - The warning you sent out three seconds before you did whatever it was you did?
Nelix - ...Yes.
President - How come we can’t contact anyone outside the Sol system?
Shelby - We’re not sure. The bubble isn’t acting as predicted.
Spot - That’s a shock. Well, can’t you send a ship out to assess the situation, and get a message off the to the rest of the Federation?
Adair - Gladly, if we had any ships left.
President - There are no ships left in the solar system???
Adair - Well... there is one... It’s parked in Docking Bay 2 of the spacedock...
Genocide - Oh no, no way in hell.
Spot - Agreed, that will be our last resort. Find another way. In fact, just find a way to take down this energy barrier.
Nelix - That could be tricky...
Spot - I don’t give a rat’s ass how tricky it is, just get the damn solar system back on the map! Now get out, all of you!
Scene 4 - In the middle of nowhere, on a tiny, pathetic space station with a really, really big antenna on it, two no-names are bored.
No-Name #1 - It’s 0700. You know what that means.
No-Name #2 - What does it mean?
No-Name #1 - It means that it’s been 24 hours since we last realized how shitty this job is. Seriously, why does Starfleet need to man a tachyon detection station along the Romulan neutral zone?
No-Name #2 - That’s what you said yesterday, and I said that at least we have a safe job. Seriously, except for that Borg cube a few years back, when have you ever heard of anyone being killed along the Neutral Zone?
Suddenly, every console starts beeping like crazy, and a red light starts flashing and buzzing like one of the TOS red alert klaxons.
No-Name #1 - Ah! What’s happening!?!
No-Name #2 - The tachyon detection grid has picked up a large Romulan fleet heading this way.
No-Name #1 - Onscreen!
The viewscreen changes to show a whole bunch of Romulan D’Deridex and Valdore-class warbirds, which are all kinda transparent and slightly cool looking. The two no-names look at each other.
No-Name #1 and 2 - WE’RE DEAD!!!
They manage to pull themselves together and send a message to Starfleet, then the camera goes outside and watches as the cloaked ships, dozens of them, pass over the station. After they’ve passed, the two no-names let out a sigh of relief.
No-Name #1 - WE’RE ALIVE! That was close!
Suddenly, one of the warbirds decloaks and fires a single torpedo out of its aft launcher, destroying the station. It then recloaks and jumps to warp with the rest of the fleet.
Scene 5 - Camera follows Garell and two no-name yellow shirts as they walk through a heavily damaged corridor on the Celestial. The numbers on the doors indicate it is on deck 10. Everywhere debris litters the floor, conduits hang hap-hazardously from the ceiling, jets of gas are shooting out of the walls, and other no-names are welding stuff back in place.
Garell (to No-Name #3, pointing at a jet of gas) - Get that locked down before it floods the whole deck with argon.
No-Name #3 stops and goes over to fix the problem. The other two continue walking.
Garell (pointing into the innards of the ship which can be seen through a broken wall panel) - Go back there and check on the inertial dampener control for this deck. The gravity feels a little iffy.
The other no-name leaves her. She continues walking and finally meets up with Senseless and Tener who have just exited from a turbolift.
Tener (looking around) - Woah...
Garell - Yeah, this section took the brunt of the damage. I’ve got most of my engineering crew trying to keep it from decompressing the whole deck.
Senseless - What about warp drive?
Garell - Got it working a few minutes ago. We’re just running through the core start-up diagnostics now. You’ll have full propulsion in about ten minutes. Oh, and I got the shields working too.
Tener - Great! What about weapons?
Garell - Don’t worry, I told the team that’s assigned to them that if they don’t get them working soon, they’ll be running them manually during our next battle.
Senseless - Manually as in right in the line of fire of whatever ship tries to disable our offensive systems?
Garell - You betcha.
Casey (comm) - Um, like, Ensign Casey to Commander Senseless.
Senseless - Go ahead.
Casey (comm) - There’s, like, an incoming subspace message that says there’s a large Romulan taskforce on the way here.
Senseless - God damn it. That guy we were fighting must have gotten away and told them about Earth.
Casey (comm) - Um, sir, you realize that the message won’t, like, go through the barrier, so, like, Earth can’t receive it.
Senseless - I know. Work with Lieutenant Bios to try to find a way to break the laws of physics as usual. Senseless out. I guess we’ll have to go in and warn them... somehow.
Garell - What, and end up like the Enterprise? No thank you. You try it and I quit.
Scene 6 - Bridge. Deciding they’ve got nothing to lose, Righteous gives the order.
Righteous - Helm boy, take us into the barrier, minimum possible thrust please.
Baque - Ooookay... but if the front end of the ship crumples up, it’s not my fault.
The camera goes outside and watches as the Celestial’s impulse engines light up for a fraction of a second, just long enough to give the ship a tiny bit of forward momentum. Back on the bridge, Senseless and Tener enter. Bios, and Casey are already present.
Baque - Impact in five... four... three... two... one...
The faintest of impacts can be heard and everyone lurches forward slightly.
Baque - Okay, that didn’t work. Time to give up.
Senseless - That’s not why we’re out here... we just need to think. Suggestions, people?
Righteous - We could go ask the Prophets to open a wormhole into the Sol system?
Senseless - Uh... that would require going to Bajor, which is kind of out of our way.
Bios - The barrier acted like a kinetic shield: It robbed us of all our kinetic energy and brought us to a complete stop...
Tener - How does that help us?
Bios - It doesn’t... I just thought I’d mention it.
Baque - Well, screw this. I’m going to try to push our way through.
Tener (sigh) - Diverting power to forward shields...
The Camera watches as the Celestial’s four impulse engines light up and the energy barrier around where the ship is pushing starts to flicker. Back on the bridge...
Baque - I hate to be the one pointing out the obvious, but it’s not working.
Senseless - Try modulating the shield frequencies.
Bios - On it.
Tener - The Citadel has opened fire on the barrier... so far they’re having no luck.
Garell (comm) - Engineering to bridge, what the hell are you doing?
Senseless - We’re trying the direct approach.
Garell (comm) - You’re crushing the ship!
Senseless - Noted. Bridge out.
Garell (comm) - Now wait just a damn—
The channels cuts off.
Tener - The Saratoga is trying to cut through it with a deflector pulse... again, no luck so far.
Bios - Well I don’t know how much longer we can hold this up because we’re running out of shield freq—
LURCH WHAM! The ship suddenly lurches forward and then promptly comes to a halt again, giving everyone whiplash. A no-name at the back of the bridge is thrown into the Master Systems Display console and then into the viewscreen.
Senseless - Ow... Report!
Baque - We... we moved! I don’t believe it!
Righteous - We made it in?
Baque - Uh... not quite.
The camera goes out of the ship and pans out until it can see that the Celestial is now wedged halfway through the barrier, stuck. The camera goes back to the bridge.
Baque - Yeah, we’re stuck.
Bios - I wonder why we managed to get through this far? Think it was the shield frequencies?
Senseless - We’ll worry about it later. Hail Starfleet.
Casey - No response, sir.
Senseless - Well, send them the following message... then try to get the hell out of here, I can just hear the Solaris, Saratoga, and Citadel laughing at us.
Scene 7 - On Earth, in that lab somewhere in the middle of nowhere, Genocide, Adair, Nelix, Shelby, Picard, and various no-names are working frantically to deactivate the energy barrier. Fleet Admiral Spot is standing in the middle of the room firing a phaser into the air.
Spot - Work faster!
No-Name #5 (comm) - Admiral Spot, we’re just picked up a transmission from the USS Celestial. They’re relaying a message saying that a Romulan armada is en route to this location and will be here shortly.
Genocide hears the message.
Genocide - They won’t be able to get through the barrier though, will they?
Spot - Well I doubt they’d be violating the treaty unless they thought they could. You and Adair, get up to the space dock and prepare for battle. Admiral Nelix, go with them.
Genocide - Um, correct me if I’m wrong, but won’t the space dock be completely useless like it was the last dozen or so times Earth was attacked?
Spot - Heh, heh, heh. You humans are cute when you’re ignorant. Admiral, fill them in on the way.
Scene 8 - Out where the Celestial is still stuck, the other four ships are crowding around it, trying to push it through with tractor beams. On the bridge...
Baque - You can tell them to give up, we haven’t budged.
Casey - Sir, Captain Farfetched, like, wants to know he can fire a torpedo at us to push us through?
Senseless - Maybe later... What if we separated the ship? Would the command section get pushed through?
Bios - Might, but it would probably destroy the stardrive, and the explosion might get us before the barrier closes.
Tener - Captain, Commander, sensors are detecting a large subspace disturbance heading this way... it’s the Romulans!
Righteous - Oh viewer... wait, what are the Romulans doing here?
Senseless - Because they’re Romulans and can’t leave well enough alone. We talked about this less than an hour ago, remember?
Righteous - No?
Tener - Where the hell is the rest of Starfleet???
The camera goes to watch the Romulan fleet decloak and approach the barrier. Onboard the lead warbird, Commander Spliff, now reinstated obviously, is watching the viewscreen with interest.
No-Name Romulan #1 - Sir, all ships report their multi-spectral shielding is online.
Spliff - Good... take us in!
No-Name Romulan #1 - What about the five Federation starships just off the port bow?
Spliff - No, I want them to witness the defeat of their homeworld at the hands of their enemy... ‘tis a far crueler fate than destroying them.
No-Name Romulan #1 - But while they’re alive isn’t there a chance they could stop us?
Spliff - Yes, but being evil doesn’t require you to be smart.
The camera goes to watch as the dozens of Romulan ships pass effortlessly through the barrier as if it weren’t there. Camera goes to the stunned faces of everyone on the bridge of the Celestial.
Righteous - Well... sucks to be Earth.
Baque - If Earth is harmed, remind me not to rest until Bajor plunges into its precious wormhole and gets destroyed...
Senseless - Lieutenant, how did they get through?
Bios - They are using some form of multi-spectral shielding... I think that’s how we accidentally got through: When our shields hit the right frequency, even for an instant, it allowed us to pass through... But there’s no way to know the proper frequency without trying blindly, and they will be able to pick our ships off one by one as they pass through.
Senseless turns to look at the captain.
Senseless - Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Righteous - I think so Jack, but where are we going to find thirty thousand crab apples at this hour?
Senseless - No, I meant we could use multiphasic shielding technology to pass through!
Righteous - That was my next idea.
Senseless - Lieutenant Bios and Tener, get on it. Ensign Casey, hail the other ships.
Scene 9 - The Romulan warbirds approach Earth. Onboard the Spacedock, the camera goes to a large transporter room, where a bunch of no-name civilians have just beamed aboard.
Spacedock Computer - Attention! All non-essential personnel are required to vacate the station immediately.
No-Name Civilian #1 - Ah come on!
The civilians turn around and get back on the transporter pad. The camera goes to Ops, where dozens of no-name Starfleet Officers, as well as Admiral Nelix, Lieutenant-Commanders Genocide and Adair, and Captain Picard and Commander Shelby are present.
Picard - So could one of you tell me why we’re up here, on this flying piece of scrap metal?
Nelix - Oh for crying out loud, are you really that stupid?
Picard - I beamed aboard a Reman warbird in the hopes of destroying it instead of just beaming a bomb over... what do you think?
Adair - Powering up the main computer...
All the consoles go from being all statically to showing a boot-up screen. Finally the main viewer shows a sign that says “Welcome to LCARS” and then starts showing the slowly rotating view of space.
Nelix - Everything online?
Adair - All systems nominal... well, looks like the Celestial did a pretty good job... hmm... that sentence didn’t sound right...
Genocide - No it didn’t. Check for damage.
Adair - Ah, there’s a bunch of stuff missing from the Gamma-side airlock. Looks like it was looted.
Genocide - That sounds better. Anything else?
Adair - Weapons damage to the inside, although it’s marginal.
Genocide - Okay good, that sounds like Righteous’ idiocy at work. I think we’re good to do whatever you wanted to do with this thing, sir.
Nelix - Excellent... time to see what this puppy can do. All hands, battlestations!
Annoyingly loud klaxons go off and red lights start pulsing up and down ODN pillars.
Nelix - Computer, this is Vice Admiral Nelix. Initiate Tactical Defence systems, authorization Nelix butterscotch ice cream alpha zero one.
The camera goes to deep in the bowls of the station, into a massive room, where six offline Galaxy-class warp cores stand in a circle. They all turn on and begin flashing like mad. The camera then goes to outside the station, where all the outer hatches shut and seal. All over the upper and lower surfaces of the station, small ports open and long hatches retract to reveal phaser strips. At the bottom of the secondary docking bay, the four fusion thrusters light up like the 1st of July and the station starts to move. The subspace antennas at the top and bottom of the station retract into it and a large bubble of energy begins to form around the station, obviously shields. Camera goes back to Ops. All the consoles rearrange themselves into showing tactical or systems readouts. A rudimentary helm console forms in the middle. No-names go to stand at each station, while Genocide and Adair take the tactical consoles.
Genocide - ...Show time!
Scene 10 - Space. The camera watches as couple dozen small fighter-like ships rise from Earth and move to engage the Romulan fleet. On Spliff’s warbird...
Spliff - What are those?
No-Name Romulan #1 - Impulse ships, minimal armaments.
Spliff - Destroy them, then park us above San Francisco.
No-Name Romulan - Our orders didn’t include destroying a city.
Spliff - Our orders said to neutralize Starfleet, that’s what I intend to do! Just do it.
The camera watches as the D’Deridex class warbirds blow the fighters out of the sky with wide arcs of sustained disruptor fire. The ones that escape are quickly destroyed by the Valdore-class ships. The fleet closes in on Earth. On the bridge of Spliff’s warbird, Spliff sits forward in his chair and stares intently at the West Coast of North America as it comes up on the screen.
Spliff - They say revenge is a dish best served cold... but I always prefer my food to be a bit warm... prepare a plasma torpedo! Maximum yield! Tell the other ships to begin attacking targets of opportunity... weapons factories, power plants, shipyards, whatever they can find.
No-Name Romulan #1 looks down at his console and his eyes go wide.
No-Name Romulan #1 - Uh, sir?
Spliff - Not now, I don’t want to miss a second of the destruction of the Federation...
No-Name Romulan #1 - But sir, I really think you should take a look at the battlestation that’s approaching!
Spliff - WHAT!?! Onscreen!
The viewscreen switches to show the massive spacedock plowing towards the Romulan fleet, with its top facing them. Suddenly, it flips from showing only it’s top view to exposing it’s entire length to the Romulan fleet. Looks of fear cross the faces of all the Romulans on the bridge, including Commander Spliff.
Spliff - Uh... uh... EVASIVE MANOEUVRES!!!
The camera goes to the Spacedock’s Ops deck.
Genocide - Targets acquired.
Nelix - ...Fire!
The camera goes out into space and watches as the Spacedock unleashes a barrage of pwnage straight at the Romulan fleet. Dozens of photon and quantum torpedoes, hundreds of pulse phaser blasts, and a multitude of phaser beams hit the Romulan ships, throwing the whole fleet into disarray. In the midst of the confusion, Nelix gives another order from Ops.
Nelix - Assault phaser, fire!
On the opposite side of the spacedock from the battle, a large orange flash appears at the rim of the primary docking bay, then two orange lights run parallel to each other around the circumference of the spacedock until they meet at the other side, where they form a ridiculously powerful phaser beam which shoots toward the Romulan fleet. It hits a Valdore-class warbird and blows a hole through it as if it were made of tissue paper. It keeps going and puts a hole through two other D’Deridex-class ships, before finally heading out into deep space. Camera goes to Spliff, who looks like he just wet himself.
Spliff - In the name of Romulus, retreat!
Camera goes to the Spacedock, where a very surprised-looking Lieutenant-Commander Genocide still has his finger on the fire button for the assault phaser, and is staring at the viewscreen.
Genocide - Holy... shit! I want one of these!!
Nelix - Ha, ha, ha, we were hoping to put that to use against the Borg the next time they got any bright ideas, but it’s untested so it’s nice to see it works so well. When word of this gets around the quadrant, I doubt we’ll see an attack for a while.
Genocide - No kidding! So, think we scared the Romulans off or should we go try to track them down?
Adair - What, at impulse?
Genocide - Ah, but this thing is fun to play with... Admiral, can I have a transfer?
Nelix - No, you’re still serving out your prison sentence, remember?
Genocide - Yeah, yeah, I know... Hey, just a question: If Captain Righteous suddenly dies, what happens to me?
Nelix - You’ll go free. I’ll guarantee it.
Genocide - You don’t like Righteous much do you?
Nelix - Commander, I don’t like anyone much.
Scene 11 - Onboard the Celestial, which is still stuck, the crew are getting impatient. The entire senior staff is on the bridge.
Puker - So do you guys think Earth survived? By the way, I figure we should all start learning Romulan, you know, get a head start on the other former Federation citizens.
Blavik - I highly doubt the destruction of one planet will lead to the downfall of the entire Federation.
Senseless - What are you two doing here anyway?
Puker - Because we barely got a word in edgewise last episode, and I’ll be damned if we’re written out of this one too!
Senseless - Shouldn’t you be tending to the injured crewmen down in sickbay?
Puker - What would that accomplish?
Pause. The camera goes back and forth between a serious-looking Doctor Puker and a thinking Commander Senseless.
Senseless - Good point. Pull up a chair.
Puker - Nah, we’ll just stand behind this railing like we always do. Ooh look, the last person to use this station forgot to log out... let’s send angry emails to all his or her friends!
Senseless turns his attention back to the screen as Puker and Blavik formulate a plan to make another no-name unpopular.
Righteous - Well, you know, if the Earth is doomed, we can move the Federation Council to Bajor. We already have a big room that the old council of ministers used.
Baque - So does every other world.
Bios - Actually the most prudent place to put it would be on Vulcan or Andor.
Blavik - Yes, so on behalf of the entire Vulcan people, up yours, Bajor.
Righteous - Why do you guys hate Bajor so much anyway?
Garell - Allow me to answer that.
She pulls out a pointer stick and goes to the viewscreen, which for some reason changes to show a political map of the known galaxy.
Garell - As you can see, this is where Bajor is located, this blue dot here at the edge of the Federation. Now, if you follow this line, you’ll reach this large, undefined purple blob which is what we believe the Dominion calls its space. Now, the wormhole was created by beings who evolved on Bajor, and you’d think that the least they could do is have it come out somewhere not surrounded by a hostile super-power. So, for the billions of deaths the Dominion War caused, one must logically conclude that Bajor is to blame, since it gave rise to the beings, which you, sir, worship as the Prophets, who decided it would be funny to take their non-linear knowledge and connect the Federation to the Dominion. Class dismissed.
The viewscreen goes back to showing space and Garell returns to her station. Righteous sits there with his mouth open.
Righteous - Uh... What colour was Bajor again?
Garell - I give up...
Senseless - Don’t worry, so do the rest of us.
Righteous - That’s it, I’m tired of you people making fun of me. We’re all going to be silent until something interesting happens.
Righteous crosses his arms, but a second later a bunch of consoles start beeping urgently. Everyone turns to look at Righteous.
Baque - You... Idiot!
Casey - Romulan fleet, like, on an intercept course!
Senseless - Lieutenant, how are those multiphasic shields coming?
Bios - Look out a lateral window and tell me what the hell you think?
Senseless - Well, maybe the other ships can extend their shields around us long enough for us to get the work done. Ensign, where are the other ships now?
The camera goes outside and watches as the Saratoga, Citadel, Solaris, and Enterprise back away from the Celestial, in case it explodes. Camera goes back to the bridge.
Senseless - In case we explode?!!?
Casey - Like, that’s that Captain Ketrell said.
Righteous - Gee, and after all we’ve done for them...
Tener - You mean like nearly destroying them a couple times?
Righteous - Exactly.
Tener - Either the Prophets know something about him that we don’t, or they’ve got a really sick sense of humour.
Garell - Yeah, that’s what I was saying earlier: “Congratulations! You’ve discovered us, a bunch of powerful extra-dimensional beings capable of making stable wormholes. As a consolation prize, you get what’s behind this door!” Dominion! What a rip-off!
Righteous - Enough bad-mouthing the Prophets. Power to weapons!
Garell - (sigh) I’d better get down to Engineering and get ready to fix stuff...
Baque - Seeing as my job has been rendered useless, can I go too?
Senseless - Oh no, I know you two, you’ll just separate the ship and leave us to fend for ourselves.
Baque - Commander! I’m shocked that you’d even think something like that!
Senseless - Just keep trying to wiggle us loose, will you?
Baque - Fine, fine...
Puker - Welp, looks like break time’s over. If you need us we’ll be in Sickbay.
Bios - Let’s only hope we won’t need you then.
Puker, Blavik, and Garell leave the bridge.
The viewscreen begins to show the Romulan ships approaching.
Tener - They’re charging weapons!
Senseless - Forward shields to maximum!
Righteous (grimacing) - Ouch time...
Scene 12 - Onboard Spliff’s warbird, the angry Romulan has regained at least some of his composure.
Spliff - Any sign of pursuit?
No-Name Romulan #1 - No. The station doesn’t appear to be able to move fast enough to chase us.
Spliff - Good... What’s the status of the Celestial?
No-Name Romulan #2 (some ops guy or something) - They’re still stuck. The other ships haven’t tried to get through.
Spliff - Hmm... I have a plan... how loyal are the other ship’s commanders?
No-Name Romulan #1 - How the hell should I know, I’ve never met them?
Spliff - I meant our ships!
No-Name Romulan #1 - Oh... very loyal, why?
Spliff - Loyal enough to send on a suicide mission?
No-Name Romulan #1 - Uh... if, if it’s necessary, I guess... why?
Spliff - As I said, I have a plan... Tell the other ships to hold position and conduct repairs... I’ll take care of the Celestial myself... Lock target on their bridge and fire!
The camera goes to the Celestial’s bridge.
Tener - They’re targeting the bridge.
Righteous - Ouch time is affirmative...
Tener - They’re firing!
On the viewscreen, a torpedo zooms toward the Celestial, but it hits something and explodes a few metres away from the ship, leaving the Celestial undamaged.
Righteous - What happened? Why aren’t we at the gates to the Celestial Temple?
Bios - The energy barrier... it protected us... somehow.
Righteous - That sounds very implausible.
Bios - In case you didn’t notice, we started off with an ion storm that was traveling at varying warp speeds, which then seemed to leave the spacedock undamaged yet required evacuating the solar system, and then it got turned into a big contrived bubble of impenetrable energy that is several billion kilometres in diameter... how is this any more implausible than this entire situation?
Righteous - Whatever... so we’re safe?
Casey - Like, people are beaming aboard the ship!
Righteous - I’m guessing not?
Suddenly, Commander Spliff and several Romulan centurions materialize on the bridge.
Tener - Ack! Beaming through shields and an energy barrier? Did we enact our own version of the Voyager Directive here?
Bios - Nah... I should really get around to fixing that bug in the CelestOS system that sometimes doesn’t tell us when the port shields are offline...
Everyone picks up a phaser and starts leaping for cover. The no-name that had been thrown into the viewscreen earlier is quickly vaporised.
Spliff - Surrender! Or you will all die!
One of the Romulan centurions gets stunned.
Tener - GAH! Why is everything so full of plot holes today! I’m half expecting the weapons we’re using to stop working the way they’re supposed to and shoot water at the enemy!
With everyone hiding behind their consoles taking pot-shots at random points around the room, Tener gets pissed off and stands right up and points his phaser at Spliff. As he lines up the shot, however, Spliff turns around quickly and fires his disruptor at Tener, just as Tener pushes the trigger. The disruptor beam hits Tener’s phaser and vapourizes it... along with most of Tener’s right arm. The human is thrown to the floor. Luckily, the phaser beam also hit Spliff, who drops to his knees and hits his combadge.
Spliff - Beam me back!
He disappears and the senior staff get up and restrain the other two centurions. Tener, dazed, looks over at his right arm, which is now only a charred stump consisting of less than half of his upper arm’s original length.
Tener - Ah, come on! How the hell did that happen?!
Bios rushes over to him.
Bios - Just be glad your phaser took the brunt of the energy, or you’d have lost a lot more than your arm.
Tener - This is not my day!
Bios - Bridge to Dr. Puker, medical emergency. Beam Lieutenant Tener directly to sickbay.
Baque - Ha, ha, ha, now we get to call you Stump!
Tener - Oh, real mature guys!
Tener is beamed away in a Federation transporter beam. Everyone else goes back to their stations.
Senseless - Damage report.
Casey - Uh... all the Romulans have, like, left. The Citadel beamed over some security teams to help us.
Righteous - Hooray! I knew they liked us!
Bios - The Romulan fleet is turning back towards Earth.
Senseless - Oh no they don’t! Target the nearest warbird and try anything you can think of!
The camera watches as the Celestial fires its phasers all over the place, trying to break through the energy barrier which is holding it. Eventually the secondary deflector warms up and a blue beam fires forward into the barrier. After a few seconds of switching through frequencies, the crews over all five ships are shocked when the entire barrier for as far as the sensors can see flickers, then goes blank again. On Solaris’ bridge.
Ketrell - What the heck?
Lieutenant Sa’lol - For a moment, the barrier’s polarity uniformly aligned itself.
Commander Ren - Care to translate that into how it can help us?
Sa’lol - If the entire barrier is the same frequency, we could pass through it by simply polarizing the hull.
Ketrell - Uh... start firing the deflector!
The camera goes to watch as the five Ninth Fleet ships starting hitting the barrier with deflector pulses. Occasionally, it flickers. Slowly, the flickering becomes more common, until finally the entire barrier starts to constantly flicker like a broken florescent lightbulb that just won’t die. Seizures for all. On the Celestial’s bridge...
Bios - It’s working! The entire barrier has been polarized to a electromagnetic oscillation of zero point four seven terahertz!
Senseless - Adjust shields to match the opposite of that, let’s try a destructive wave pattern!
Bios - On it.
The camera watches as the Celestial suddenly jerks free and begins moving into the system. A moment later the other three mobile ships (keep in mind Riker broke the Enterprise) follow it through the barrier, which promptly collapses, thus ending that plot line with a whimper. On the Celestial’s bridge:
Righteous - Woo hoo! We can go to Bajor now!
Senseless - Not so fast... let’s go see what those Romulans have been up to, since no one bothered to fix the sensors so far... set a course for Earth, warp 1.
Baque - We can’t go to warp in a solar system!
Senseless - Uh... Why not?
The camera goes to look at Baque’s blank face.
Baque - Good point. Plotting course.
All four ships jump to lightspeed.
Scene 13 - Spacedock Ops. Genocide is jumping for joy as he watches the Romulan fleet approach on the viewscreen.
Genocide - Yes!!! Please oh please, Admiral, let me kill them!
Nelix - Fire at will.
Genocide - Oh! Score!!
The Spacedock unleashes a barrage of weapons fire even before the Romulan warbirds enter range.
Adair - Uh... do either of you remember just how many we destroyed the first time?
Genocide - Three, why?
Adair - Well, there’s one missing then...
Picard - That’s most peculiar... are you sure you counted right?
Adair - Yes! Yes I’m sure I counted right! I learned to count right while I was still in diapers just like the rest of the population did! And frankly, sir, I was probably counting to a thousand in base eight while you were still learning partial derivatives! So I’m pretty sure one of the warbirds is missing!
Sure enough, the camera flies out into space and goes around the planet, and stops over the West Coast of North America. Commander Spliff’s warbird suddenly decloaks and points itself right at San Francisco. On the bridge.
Spliff - Open a channel to everything in the sector.
No-Name Romulan #2 - Channel open sir.
Spliff - This is Commander Spliff of the warbird that’s perched above San Francisco. I have targeted the Federation Council Chamber with a high yield plasma torpedo. I have also rigged the computer to fire this torpedo if it detects any kind of impact on the shields. You may be able to destroy us, but I guarantee you that ten million people, including your entire executive assembly, will be wiped off the face of the Earth! Surrender or die!
On the spacedock, Genocide stops firing.
Genocide - Uh...
Shelby - Crap.
Picard - Merde.
Nelix - Wet kitty litter!
Adair - Shit...
Genocide - Standing down weapons...
Beep, beep, beep!
Shelby - Wait... we’re receiving a message... on the long-range subspace band!
Nelix - Onscreen!
Beep! The viewscreen of the Spacedock, the Celestial, and Commander Spliff’s warbird all change to show none other than Captain Spot Jr. sitting in his captain’s chair onboard the USS Litterbox.
Spot Jr. - This is the USS Litterbox to any Romulan ships that may have entered the Sol system: Moments ago, a Starfleet task force, including us, broke through your defensive lines around the Neutral Zone and have taken up offensive positions around Romulus. If you do not retreat peacefully from Federation space, we’ll reduce your entire planet to rubble. You have one minute to plot a course for our position. Cloak and we’ll fire.
The camera goes to the Spacedock, where Genocide, Adair, Nelix, Shelby, and Picard are looking quite relived. The camera goes to Spliff’s warbird, where he angrily gives their response.
Spliff - We will retreat... But I’ll be back! You have not seen the last of—
WHAM! Spliff’s warbird is broadsided by the orbiting spacedock and is destroyed against its shields. The camera goes to the spacedock’s Ops.
Genocide - Huh... did anyone else feel that?
Shelby - The USS Celestial is hailing us.
Beep! The bridge of the Celestial appears onscreen, with Senseless and Righteous in the centre.
Senseless - What was all that about?
Genocide - Who knows, the Romulans are just crazy or something. How is everything over there?
Senseless - Well, Lieutenant Tener could sure use a hand—
From off screen a bunch of people explode into laughter.
Senseless (smiling) - —But Dr. Puker expects he’ll be fine.
While Genocide, Nelix, Adair, and the Celestial are chatting, Captain Picard wanders over to the sensor console and looks at the readout.
Picard - Wait a minute... where’s the Enterprise?
Righteous - Oh yeah, about that—
But Picard has already run a long range sensor scan, and his eyes have gone wide, only to be followed by a look of intense anger.
Picard - God damn it, Riker!