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Episode 53: “Past Imperfect”

Written by Swordtail

Published January 14, 2008

Scene 1 - The USS Celestial and USS Solaris are parked alongside each other.

Captain Righteous - Captain’s log, stardate 60009.6. Since our science officer decided that working at the most prestigious and most advanced computer research and development organization was a better job than Science Officer of the Chariot of the Prophets, we’ve been forced to take on a new officer... I didn’t have to look far.

The camera goes to a corridor, where Lieutenant Bios is walking along lugging tote-bags. Baque, Tener, and Senseless are following her.

Tener - I still don’t see why you want to do this.

Bios - Are you kidding? This is a once in a lifetime opportunity! I’d be an IDIOT to pass it up!

Senseless - Considering all the stuff that happens around here, I’m honestly surprised 99% of the crew haven’t done the same thing, with any job.

Baque - And I suppose that since Ensign Center died, you’ve become the most unpopular character we’ve got around here.

Senseless - Well, we’ll miss you. Don’t forget to write.

Bios - Oh, I will, I fully intend to guest-star in a couple episodes, you’re not getting rid of me that easily.

They walk up to the airlock and Bios steps through.

Bios - Well, good luck. I’ll send you a new version of CelestOS which I intend to make on the long trip back to Jupiter Station. Bye!

Tener, Baque, Senseless - Bye!

Bios stands still, looking at the ceiling.

Bios - Now, am I forgetting anything.... She starts silently counting on her fingers.

Baque - Damn it Lieutenant, we can’t miss you if you don’t leave!!!

Bios - Alrighty! Going, going!

Bios takes off down one of the corridors. Doctor Puker, Lieutenant Blavik, Lieutenant-Commander’s Garell and Genocide, Captain Righteous, and Ensign Casey come to join the other Celestial officers at the airlock.

Righteous - Wow, it was really easy to get our replacement science officer. Captain Ketrell just said “meh, whatever” and signed the forms!

Baque - If only that had worked for another position that recently opened up, we wouldn’t have gotten stuck with blondie over here.

Casey - Hey!

Puker - Well Lieutenant, aren’t you excited?

Blavik (stoically) - I’m ecstatic.

Garell - Nice try at sarcasm, but what’s the deal with you and her anyway?

Blavik - Let’s just say, if Vulcans could feel embarrassment, I’d have died from it by now.

Lieutenant Sa’lol of the USS Solaris rounds a corner, also carrying a tote-bag. Captain Ketrell and Commander Ren follow her.

Sa’lol - Hi guys!

Celestial Crew - Hi.

Ren - You absolutely sure you wanna transfer?

Sa’lol - Meh, nothing better to do. It’s not like we’ve been doing that much lately. Besides, I hear working on the Celestial can be interesting (turning towards her new crewmates) ...right?

Righteous - Sure is!

Baque (muttering) - You don’t know the half of it...

Ketrell - Now please don’t break your new commanding officer’s arm like you did when you first came onboard Solaris.

Sa’lol - No promises. Bye!

She steps aboard the Celestial and Ketrell closes the airlock.

Ketrell (comm) - Now if you’ll excuse us, we’ve got to get out of here before a plot device shows up to keep us around. Bye!

Solaris disconnects and jumps to warp. The ten officers start walking along the corridor, slowly breaking off to return to their stations, seeing as they pretty much have all been introduced over the last couple episodes anyway. Eventually only Righteous, Senseless, Blavik, Casey, and Sa’lol remain.

Casey - I, like, put you in quarters in the same section as your sister! Won’t that, like, be fun!?

Sa’lol - Oh we’ll make it fun... tell whatever section we’re in to prepare for several random bouts of three AM holographic running of the bulls.

Blavik (raising a hand) - I would like to request a transfer as well.

Righteous - No, two new characters per season is quite enough I think.

Sa’lol takes her hand and messes up Blavik’s hair.

Sa’lol - You’re cute when you’re trying to be logical.

Righteous - Alright person who I have yet to come up with a name for, your first duty is to find out why my head hurts so much.

Senseless - Uh... wouldn’t that be better suited for Lieutenant Blavik?

Blavik takes a tricorder and scans Righteous.

Blavik (turning to Senseless) - I’m not detecting anything wrong...

Pause, for half a second.

Senseless - Senseless to bridge! All stop! Red alert! Raise shields!

Suddenly, the ship lurches.

NoName #1 (comm) - Captain, we’re caught in the gravitational pull of a temporal anomaly!

Sa’lol - Since when do temporal anomalies have gravity?

Senseless (ignoring her completely valid inquiry) - We know, try to back us out. We’re on our way.

They all take off running down the corridor.

Sa’lol - Definitely interesting!

Blavik - I can guarantee that by the end of this episode you’ll take that back.


Opening credits, a short musical interlude to remind us that people work hard to bring us the entertainment we so eagerly download... err... I mean spend hundreds of dollars on to watch with commercials... neither one of those makes any sense...


Scene 2 - Bridge. All senior staff enter. NoName #1 gives his station up to Baque. The viewscreen is nothing but static.

NoName #1 - Sorry sir, I couldn’t break us free.

Senseless - That’s okay, Ensign, I didn’t think you’d be able to.

Senseless stands facing the viewscreen as NoName #1 crosses the bridge behind him.

Senseless - Mr. Baque, can you get a fix on our—

PZZZZT! A phaser beam crosses the bridge from Genocide’s station and hits NoName #1. Senseless lets out a sigh.

Senseless - Damn it, Commander.

Righteous - Guys, my head doesn’t hurt anymore!

Baque - Whoopdie doo. Our patched together sensor system is coming back online now.

The viewscreen stops flickering and a very familiar planet can be seen.

Righteous - Heeeeey... that looks a lot like that blue planet we always hang around... what is it, Earth?

Senseless - Certainly is. Now, when are we?

Sa’lol - Uh... what happened to your sensor systems?

Tener - Might have been Lieutenant-Commander Garell blowing up the main computer, or it might have been the years of constantly breaking and fixing that it underwent under the care of your predecessor.

Sa’lol - Well, if I’m reading this right, then judging by the amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, I’d say we’re somewhere in the early 21st century.

Righteous - Aw man, I was hoping we’d be able to go into the future again and save the day somehow.

Senseless - Lieutenant, what’s the exact date?

Sa’lol starts pressing buttons.

Sa’lol - Let’s see... adjust for stellar drift... inertial frame of reference... carry the seven... January 4th, 2008.

Garell - Does it bother anyone else that we’ve gone back in time exactly 375 years?

Senseless - It probably should...

Casey - Like, maybe we should, like, hide the ship. If I remember my history lessons right, at this time, like, most countries had the ability to, like, detect us and one, um... Chile I think, could attack spaceborne objects or whatever.

Genocide - I’d ask how you know all that, but very little you do surprises me anymore.

Casey - Thanks!

Righteous - Alrighty then, put us behind that big rock thing over there.

Baque - You mean the Moon?

Righteous (rolling his eyes) - Well, sure, if you wanna pretend like it’s the only one... Now, let’s try to figure out why we’re here.

Sa’lol - Um.... isn’t that obvious? A temporal anomaly sent us here.

Righteous - No, the Prophets did.

Sa’lol - What? Okay, I knew you were stupid but I didn’t think you were that stupid.

Tener - Actually, he’s kinda right. The last two temporal anomalies we encountered were created by the wormhole aliens.

Sa’lol - So now extradimensional beings are dropping temporal anomalies all over the place, for... what reason?

Tener - Kicks, I guess.

The tactical console starts beeping.

Genocide - Woah... there’s a ship out there.

Senseless - Damn... probably a Vulcan scout ship. If they detect us, we’re screwed.

Genocide - No... its warp signature... it’s Son’a...

Garell - Impossible, the Son’a didn’t even exist until Star Trek: Insurrection!

Genocide - They’ve detected us!

Casey - Like, they’re making a run at Earth!

Senseless - Pursuit course! Arm weapons!

The Celestial flies out from behind the moon and straight at the Son’a ship.

Genocide - They haven’t raised shields, but they’re charging weapons!

Sa’lol - That ship looks really familiar... isn’t that Chester’s ship?

Righteous - The fluffy kitty? What’s he doing here?

Garell - Oh, of course! Remember yesterday when we saw him fly around that star? Must have used it to do time warp.

Senseless - Lock weapons! Fire!

The Celestial fires four quantum torpedoes in rapid succession at the Son’a ship. They all impact, and the Son’a ship explodes in a ball of fire.

Genocide - Got them!

Baque - That was way to easy...

Sa’lol - No survivors. Looks like we got him for good this time.

Senseless - Put us back behind the moon, then get to work finishing repairs on the sensors. We need to be able to detect that temporal anomaly if it returns.

Tener - Wow, can you imagine what kind of damage it would have done to the timeline if Chester had tried to take over the Earth? I mean, yeah, there’s no way he’d succeed, but can you imagine...?

Meanwhile, in the White House, George W. Bush is sitting at his desk about to eat a Taco.

Bush - Heh, heh... Tacos rule!

Suddenly, three military generals burst in.

Bush - Uhhh.... what is it? Did ‘ya find bin Laden yet?

General #1 - Mr. President, we just got this from the Japanese Space Agency.

He drops a handful of photos on the table. 

General #1 - The Kaguya moon orbiter took these images just a few minutes ago.

Bush - How come the Japanese get to take pictures of the moon? I wanna take pictures of the moon! Tell NASA to find a way to... you know, do whatever it is they do when we give ‘em money.

General #1 - Sir, the pictures.

Bush - Oh, right.

He picks up the pictures and squints at them.

Bush - Hey what’s that gray thingy in the middle? Looks kinda out of place.

General #1 - That would be the moon, sir. Look in the lower left corner.

Bush - Lower left, lower left... oh, you mean that thing? What about it?

General #1 - It’s an unidentified flying object, sir. It’s also 2,560 feet long. And it just appeared out of nowhere.

Bush - Looks kinda stupid... you sure it ain’t one of ours?

General #1 - Yes Mr. President, I’m sure. We were barely able to hide that saucer thing in Roswell much less something this big. And there’s more. Check the other photos.

Bush flips through the photos, which show another ship, then show it explode.

Bush - Heh, we gotta get ourselves one of whatever they’re using on the other one.

General #1 - We have to automatically assume their intentions are hostile. We should go to maximum alert status and get the Air Force ready.

Bush - Okay, and, um, bring me another taco while you’re at it, this one ain’t gonna fill me up.

The three generals salute and leave the room.

General #1 (to General #2) - That went well. We didn’t even have to use the flash cards this time.

General #2 - I just hope no one else finds this thing. It took a lot of money to shut the Japanese up...


Scene 3 - Meanwhile, in Ottawa (that’s the capital of Canada in case you’re, well, stupid), in a backyard in one of the suburbs, a bunch of idiots are having a party outside. Apparently when you consume enough alcohol, cold no longer affects you.

Idiot #1 - Hey, Gary... swing that telescope thing you have over at that big star up there, over by the Moon.

Idiot #2 - It’s just a damn satellite.

Idiot #3 - Ooh! Maybe it’s the space station!

Idiot #2 - Whatever...

He drunkenly stumbles over to the telescope and spins it around to look at the moon. He focusses it, looks through the lens, and nearly shits himself.

Idiot #2 - Sweet Jesus!

He stumbles backwards and the other idiots at the party look through and undergo the same reaction. Idiot #1 looks at the beer he’s holding.

Idiot #1 - Fuck, this stuff is AWESOME!

One of them snaps a couple digital pictures of the sight through the telescope before they all pass out.


Scene 4 - Up in the Celestial’s astrometrics lab, Casey, Sa’lol, and Garell are viewing data they’ve gathered on the Earth, and are looking bored.

Garell - I wonder what it is about this time period and this place that causes so many starships to get pulled here.

Casey - Cause, like, this is the, like pinnacle of human, like, evolution! This is, like, where things went, like, weird.

Sa’lol - Thank you for that informative answer, Ensign.

Garell - Alright, now be honest: Why’d you leave Solaris to come live with us?

Sa’lol (muttering) - Wanted more screen time...

Garell - What?

Sa’lol - Oh, just felt like it, that’s all. Casey, hows it coming with that uplink to the Internet? There’s no way we weren’t detected.

Casey - Like, done. I have the computer, like, scanning for words people might use to describe us. You know, like, incompetent, um... stupid... ugly looking ship, that sort of thing.

Garell - Found anything?

Casey - Uh... like, yeah... lots of stuff.

The three officers all crowd around the screen as blog after blog and YouTube video after YouTube video streams across the screen. Most are related to the explosion seen in the night sky over the Western hemisphere.

Garell - Wow, looks like it all hit the fan. Every country is accusing every other of unannounced weapons tests... But the general public is blaming a meteor shower.

Sa’lol - Woah, go back to that last one.

A blog loads up with the title “Massive Alien Spaceship seen Near Moon by Drunken Idiots in Ottawa.”

Sa’lol - Ah oh... they’ve got pictures.

Garell - Damn it. Think maybe they’ll brush it off as a hoax?

Casey - Like, probably. Or something.

The data continues to stream.

Sa’lol - Woah, what’s that?

The monitor stops flickering through the data again.

Garell - How the hell can you see this stuff anyway? It’s moving so fast I can barely tell what’s text and what’s video.

Sa’lol - Vulcan stuff. Don’t bother trying to rationalize it. Looks like the United States military has stepped up its alertness level. They’ve been advised that “An advanced enemy may attempt to gain a foothold in any country. Be prepared for possible nuclear war.”

Casey - Like, correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t World War III not start till, like, a couple decades from now?

Garell - Yeah... let’s get this info to the commander and let him deal with it.


Scene 5 - Briefing room. All senior staff are present.

Senseless - So, it seems we’ve been detected by at least two different sources. One is basically harmless, but could still pose a temporal threat, and the other is... probably going to end up wiping out our timeline.

Genocide - Not only that, but if a nuclear bomb goes off, it’s likely to attract the attention of the Vulcans.

Senseless - And to top it all off, Lieutenant?

Sa’lol - The sensors recorded that just before the Son’a ship exploded, there was a power surge in its transporter buffers. Someone beamed down to the planet.

Tener - Well, that explains why they left their shields down.

Righteous - Well at least now we know why the Prophets sent us here. So where did Chester go?

Sa’lol - Tokyo, Japan. No idea why.

Puker - This could pose a major problem. At this point in Earth’s history, humanity wasn’t aware that most house cats are actually sentient. If this information were to get out, it would totally destroy the timeline.

Genocide - So would accidentally starting a nuclear war.

Garell - As would allowing that jerk from Ottawa to continue posting blogs about us.

Righteous - As would allowing the Pah-Wraiths to reign supreme!

Senseless - Okay, I agree to the first three, but I think we’ll leave the last one up to the Captain.

Righteous - Gladly accepted. I shall begin praying to the Prophets immediately.

He closes his eyes and starts mumbling in Bajoran.

Senseless - Right... Okay, Tener and Genocide, you’re in charge of preventing the United States from accidentally blowing up the whole world. Looks like you’ve got your work cut out for you.

Tener - Got it.

Senseless - The Doctor, Lieutenant Baque, and I will go to Ottawa and try to shut down those blogs and stuff at the source.

Garell - Wouldn’t it be easier to hack into the Internet and stop it ourselves?

Senseless - Yeah, but we’ve got 10 pages to kill. Might as well do it the long way. Now, Casey, Sa’lol, and Blavik, go to Tokyo and find a way to stop whatever plan Chester is scheming to put into motion.

Garell - Um, is that really wise?

Senseless - We can give them funny hats, no one will know the difference. Besides, there’s a good chance Commander Spliff is with Chester and these two probably understand Romulans better than the rest of us.

Garell - No, I meant is it wise to send Casey? I mean, I doubt she knows Japanese... and, it’s Casey!

Casey - Oh, like, don’t worry, I’ve got my, like, universal translator.

Senseless - Oh, another thing: Leave the universal translators at home. If someone notices your mouths aren’t moving in time with the words they’re hearing, it could cause problems.

Casey - What?!?

Baque - If you don’t want to learn another language in the next five minutes, just pretend you’re a tourist.

Sa’lol - Well, this should be awkward then.

Senseless - And you two behave yourselves and get along.

Blavik and Sa’lol raise an eyebrow.

Blavik, Sa’lol - I will if she does.

Senseless (sigh) - That’s what I thought. Dismissed.


Scene 6 - Tokyo, Japan. Casey, Sa’lol, and Blavik, the latter two wearing funny hats that cover their ears, walk out of an alley way into what is apparently some sort of Manga festival.  People dressed as anime characters of all types are wandering around the square.

Blavik - We could have foregone the hats, I doubt anyone would have noticed.

Casey - Like, how are we supposed to, like, find Chester without, like using our tricorders in public? Can you guys smell him?

Sa’lol - What kind of stupid question is that!?!

Casey - Well, like, I know Vulcans have, like, better noses than, like, humans...

Sa’lol - Blavik, is she always this dumb?

Blavik - Most of the time.

Casey - Well, I always thought... oh, never mind.

She points to a large billboard which is advertising acts for a talent show or something. One of the lines says “Spliff the Angry Elf and his Talking Cat.”

Sa’lol - That was way too easy.

The walk through the crowd up to the door the billboard is over. Casey walks up to the booth, then comes back to the other two.

Casey - He says it costs 50,000 yen.

Blavik - How do you know? I thought you didn’t speak Japanese?

Casey (shrugging) - I dunno, guess I do. Is 50,000 yen a lot?

Sa’lol - Considering that primitive food replicator back there that only gives out carbonated beverages costs 200 yen for empty calories, I’m guessing yes it is.

Casey - Heyyy.... we could try to make some quick money! Fighting!

She points off in a direction. The other two follow her finger.

Blavik - Ensign we are not going to fight in a ring of jello, no matter how much money they’ll give us.

Casey - No, not that one, the one next to it!

Sa’lol (reading) - “Last two minutes in the cage with Thumpy the Thumper and win 200,000 yen.” Doesn’t sound too hard. Alright, I’ll do it.


Scene 7 - Senseless, Puker, and Baque materialize in a dark field somewhere, wearing parkas. They look around, then start unzipping their coats.

Baque - What the hell, it must be 10 degrees out! Are you sure we’re at the right coordinates?

Senseless (checking his tricorder) - Yeah, it’s Ottawa alright.

Baque - Its January! Shouldn’t it be thirty below zero right about now?

Puker - Global warming messed with the climate a lot in the early 21st century. Actual temperatures were hard to predict.

Baque - Hey... I just remembered... the USS Borg Buster is still in orbit, cloaked... since we know exactly where it is...

Senseless - You are not going to beam aboard and put whoopie cushions under everyone’s seat.

Baque - Ah, you’re no fun.

They walk a short distance and enter someone’s back yard. That same group of idiots are still partying, and are all still drunk.

Senseless - Hi...

No one pays him any attention.

Puker (in his best German accent) - Avlow me to introduce mineself... mine name is Herr Doctor Vaughn Puker, and I ave come to take vack mine property...

The drunken idiots stop partying and just stare at him.

Idiot #1 - Oh shit, it’s the Nazis! They’ve returned to Earth!

They all start running and screaming, until they all run into walls or doors and pass out.

Senseless - If that wasn’t so pathetic, it would almost be funny.


Scene 8 - In Transporter Room 3, Genocide and Tener are getting ready to beam down. They’re both dressed in black suits and are checking the safeties on their pistols.

Tener - How can you possibly defend yourselves with these things if they keep running out of ammo?

Genocide - Learn to aim.

Tener - Har, har, I can probably aim better than you with either hand.

Genocide - Whatever... Transporter guy, got the coordinates right?

NoName #2 - Yes sir, I’ll set you down within the gates of the White House.

Genocide - Good.

They both put on dark sunglasses, put little ear-speaker-things in their ears, and step onto the transporter pad.

Genocide - Energize.

Bzzzzt! They rematerialize in the middle of the Oval Office, however, no one is around.

Genocide - Oh great. What time is it here anyway?

Tener - Judging by the look outside, middle of the night.

Genocide - Well looks like we can put off violating the Temporal Prime Directive for a few more hours then.

Garell (comm) - Celestial to Lieutenant-Commander Genocide. We’ve got bad news.

Genocide - You mean worse than being essentially stranded in the 21st century, violating the Temporal Prime Directive and on the verge of watching the world be taken over by Chester?

Garell (comm) - China just launched a nuclear warhead at us! With America’s help!

Tener - Transport us directly to the bridge.

Bzzzzt! They both materialize on the bridge. Genocide goes and takes Tactical from the hapless no-name who was manning it. Garell and Righteous are already on the bridge, and a no-name is at the helm.

Genocide - What’s going on?

Garell - There’s a 35-megatonne thermonuclear warhead strapped to a missile heading this way. It’s already exited the atmosphere. We barely detected it until the radiation alarms went off.

Tener - 35 megatonne? What’s that in relation to our photon torpedoes?

Genocide - About the same yield, maybe a little more. However, unlike torpedoes, they’re nowhere near as manoeuvrable and are large and slow enough to be destroyed with conventional particle weapons.

Righteous - Well then by all means, Mr. Weapons Guy, shoot at it!

Genocide hits some buttons, then frowns.

Genocide - Phasers aren’t working...

Garell - Uh... they worked this morning.

Genocide - I know... oh shit, the control array is malfunctioning! Phasers are offline!

Garell jumps up and runs over to the Master Systems Display console, takes a free station, and starts hitting buttons.

Garell - Oh they’re offline alright, it’ll take ten minutes to reroute them through the secondary couplings.

Tener - Do we have ten minutes?

Genocide - Not unless our helmsman can do some fancy flying.

NoName #3 - Don’t worry, I graduated top of my class from the Deanna Troi School of Piloting.

Righteous, Tener, Garell, Genocide - Ah oh...


Scene 9 - In a crowded, loud, filthy warehouse somewhere, Sa’lol is being thrown around a cage like a ragdoll while Blavik and Casey cringe. In the cage with her is a 300-pound body builder who looks like he pops steroids like most people pop vitamin pills.

Sa’lol - Humans are not supposed to be this strong!!!

SMASH! She flies into the side of the cage.

Casey - Like, just a few more seconds!

Blavik - Ensign, are you absolutely sure about this?

Casey - Yeah, like, it was in that Spiderman movie: If you don’t keep it up for the whole, like, two minutes, they’ll, like, not give you all the money.

Blavik - We could, of course, steal the money from the manager and cite violation of the terms and conditions of the agreement we signed earlier.

SMASH!

Casey - ‘K, like, time’s up. Give it all you’ve, like, got, or whatever.

Sa’lol - Finally.

She stands up, and as Thumpy the Thumper walks toward her, a homicidal grin on his face, she fakes left, then darts right, grabs him by the arm, and easily tosses him over her shoulder, across the cage and into the metal so hard he goes through it and crashes into the rows of vending machines on the far wall. The crowd suddenly goes completely quiet as Thumpy lets out a groan and falls unconscious.

Announcer - Um... we have a winner!

Later, the three of them are counting the money.

Blavik - 198... 199... 200,000.  That should be enough.

Sa’lol - Alright, then lets go before Thumpy regains his composure. Might take a while though, he just got his ass whooped by a “skinny girl with pointed ears.”

Blavik - You’re enjoying this too much.

They walk down the street in the general direction of whatever theatre Spliff and Chester were going to be working in. After waiting in line for about an hour, they finally get inside. They wander around looking for seats near the front when they suddenly spy Doctor R’lentra wearing a janitor’s outfit and carrying a mop.

Casey - Like, hey! You!

R’lentra freaks out, throws the mop at them, and takes off running. The other three jump into pursuit.

Sa’lol - Blavik, go around the back way and cut her off. Casey, hows your aim with a phaser?

Casey - Um...

Sa’lol - That’s what I thought. Scan for Chester.

Casey and Sa’lol follow R’lentra around a corner. R’lentra runs into a dressing room and slams the door behind her. Sa’lol slams face first into the door and Casey slams into her. The door lock gives and they both stumble through into the room. They look up from the floor to see Spliff holding a disruptor to their heads.

Sa’lol - Ah foo.

Casey - Like, all’s not lost, right, ma’am?

Sa’lol - True enough. Any second now—

Blavik (tied up in the corner) - Yo.

Sa’lol - Damn it! Wait... how did you tie her up so quickly?

Spliff - I am very good at tying knots.

Blavik - I’m as confused as you are, ma’am.

Chester steps out from behind a curtain, wearing a frilly scarf around his neck and a little clown hat on his head.

Chester - Ah, company!

Spliff - As much as I’d enjoy the company of someone who is at least as competent as I am...

Chester, R’lentra - HEY!

Spliff - ...Your presence is a security threat.

He sets his disruptor to full power and aims it at Sa’lol. However, before he can pull the trigger, the door opens and the stage manager peaks in. He looks blankly around the room, at Blavik tied in the corner, R’lentra cowering behind Spliff who is pointing a weapon at Sa’lol, with Casey cowering behind her, then down at Chester who looks like he’s in the middle of starting a sentence.

Manager - Um... (checks his PDA)...Lord of the Rings re-enactment starts in an hour, just to let you guys know.

He closes the door. As soon as it shuts, Sa’lol karate chops Spliff’s weapon hand. As his arm flies to the side, the disruptor fires and blows a hole through the wall. Casey yells and jumps at R’lentra, and starts beating the stuffing out of her. While Sa’lol wrestles with Spliff, Blavik manages to wiggle free of the ropes and snatches Chester.

Chester - Curses!

Sa’lol manages to get Spliff into a choke-hold and taps her combadge.

Sa’lol - Sa’lol to Celestial, five humanoids, one feline, and a shit load of equipment to beam up!

Bzzzzzt! They rematerialize onboard the USS Celestial, surrounded by yellow-shirt security guards.

Spliff - Damn it!

Sa’lol - Sa’lol to bridge.

Senseless (Comm) - Go ahead lieutenant.

Sa’lol - Oh you’re back too. I take it the other missions were successful as well?

Senseless (comm) - Sort of. We got the blog source, and seeded some doubt in the genuineness of the pictures. Also, instead of causing nuclear war, we seem to have caused the various nations of the world to actually start working together toward a common goal.

Sa’lol - Oh, that’s great news!

Senseless (comm) - Not for us. That “common goal” is them blowing us out of the sky.

Sa’lol - Oh.


Scene 10 - Bridge. Sa’lol and Casey walk on and take their stations.

Righteous - Ah, you’re just in time: A 35 megatonne nuclear missile is heading towards us, our shields are still offline, weapons aren’t working, and the impulse engines are kinda not working that well. To top it off, warp drive is offline.

Sa’lol - Great... um, how often do you guys come close to certain death?

Senseless - Nearly every week.

Sa’lol - Greeeeeeeat.

Senseless - Mr. Baque, is that missile still gaining on us?

Baque - Yep.

Genocide - Weapons still not working.

Garell - I’ve rerouted all the power I can give you into the engines.

The camera goes into space and watches as the Titan rocket closes in on the nearly-crippled Celestial. Back on the bridge, everyone is white-knuckled at their stations as the viewscreen shows the missile getting bigger.

Righteous - So... Is now a bad time to tell you that due to your lack of devotion to the Prophets, you’ll not be allowed into the Celestial Temple?

Baque - Oh, in that case bring on the death!

Casey - Hey, like, the temporal thingy has come back!

Sa’lol - She’s right. Bearing 056 mark 278.

Baque - There’s no way we’ll get there without that missile hitting us first.

Senseless - No choice. Lay in a course.

Baque - I’d rather not die!

Senseless - Just do it!

Baque - Fine!

The Celestial swings around and heads for the temporal anomaly, and the missile heads towards them on a direct intercept course.

Genocide - Impact in ten seconds...

Baque - Crap, we need eleven.

Garell - I’ve got ventral shields back online! They’re only at 3% but it’s the best we have!

Genocide - Raising ventral shields!

Baque - 90 degrees pitch!

The camera watches as the Celestial pitches sharply downward, just as the ventral shields flicker to life.

Baque - Five... four... three... two... one...

The nuclear warhead impacts with the ship’s underside and explodes. A blinding white light fills the screen, then everything goes dark.


Scene 11 - Camera is in space, where the USS Saratoga is floating near a temporal anomaly.

Captain Farfetched (voiceover) - Captain’s log, stardate 60012.3. We’ve been sent to study this temporal anomaly, which coincidentally appeared here just moments after the USS Solaris left the USS Celestial. Oddly we can’t find the Celestial on long range sensors. We can only assume those jackasses got pulled into the anomaly. Lord knows what kind of damage they’ve done to the timeline.

On the Saratoga’s bridge, Captain Farfetched, Commander Shelby, Lieutenant-Commander Garsh, and Lieutenant Scratcher are present and looking bored.

Garsh - ....Oh my god there they are!!!

No one even flinches.

Shelby - Commander, it wasn’t funny the first time you pulled that prank, and it sure as hell won’t be funny the third time.

Garsh - Fine... Oh my god! There they are!!!

Farfetched - Commander, the first officer just told you to shut the fuck-

Garsh - No really! Evasive manoeuvres!

Scratcher - Sensor scan indeed confirms the presence of the USS Celestial NCC-80164 barreling toward us at unsafe velocities, sir! Impact estimated to occur long before I finish this—

WHAM!!!! Everyone is tossed across the bridge. They get back up and go to their stations.

Farfetched - Way to go, jackass. Should have taken Garak’s “How to Lie Effectively” course that was offered through correspondence classes at the Academy.

Gareh - Sorry sir. But I wasn’t kidding that time.

Shelby - Judging by the fact that our bridge is now only about two metres from their bridge, I think it’s obvious.

NoName #4 (Helm girl) - Shouldn’t we hail them?

Farfetched - And have to put up with that jackass Righteous? Let’s just assume their comm system is offline and leave it at that. Lock tractor beam and set a course for Utopia Planitia.


Scene 12 - Jupiter Station. Admiral Nelix is watching out his office window as the USS Saratoga tows the USS Celestial towards Mars at sublight speeds (cause some idiot once said “no warp in a solar system, m’kay?”). The entire bottom hull is charred nearly black, and where it isn’t it’s glowing from radiation. On the rest of the ship, hull breaches have blown open and plasma is streaming into space. Nelix just groans and smacks his forehead with his paw.

Nelix (sigh) - Eight years until retirement... eight years until retirement...

The camera goes to the Celestial’s bridge. Medical and engineering teams are milling around and the entire senior staff are present. Suddenly, Lieutenant Bios transports aboard holding a datacube in her hand.

Bios - Hey guys, I have the new CelestOS operating... system... ready... wow.

She slowly looks around the bridge. Blueshirts are carrying injured or dead no-names around on stretchers, an engineering team is trying to weld a ceiling beam back into place, Garell is silently cursing at the engineering console, and the rest of the crew look battered, bruised, and exhausted.

Bios - ...See, any other person might yell out “What the hell happened here?” but I’ve known you guys long enough to have become used to this kind of mess. I am slightly curious though.

Senseless - Temporal anomaly.

Bios - Ah... those. Sucks to be you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go pick up my drink at the café.

Baque - Shouldn’t you be working?

Bios (quoting) - I’m not slacking off, my code’s compiling.

She tosses the datacube to Sa’lol, then double taps her commbadge and is transported away.

Sa’lol - CelestOS?

Righteous - It’s because the big trans-stellar corporation that creates the LCARS system for Starfleet is in league with the Pah-Wraiths! And I like to be able to make my own colour scheme.

Genocide - It’s Unix based, just install the damn thing.

Puker and Blavik finish treating an injured no-name redshirt.

Puker - Time of death... now. Alright, I’m on break.

He stands up and goes to stand behind the command chairs like he usually does.

Puker - As I always say, all’s well that ends well. We kept the timeline intact, managed to capture Chester, again, and—

Blavik - And I got to watch my dear older sister get nearly beat to a bloody pulp in the name of preserving history. I believe the logical course of action now would be to publish a blog about it. If you’ll excuse me...

Blavik leaves the bridge.

Righteous - Ah, feel the love.

Sa’lol - Was he being sarcastic?

Baque - Probably not.


Scene 13 - Utopia Planitia shipyards. In the administration facility, the dockmaster is filling out forms.

Dockmaster - Grav plating... check... deflector control room carpet... check...

A shadow momentarily blocks out the sun and he glances out the window in time to see the Celestial being pulled towards an empty construction bay.

Dockmaster - What the frigging hell? We just fixed them!!! God damn it!

The End

This page was last modified on Sunday, July 08, 2012.