Episode 58: “Exponential Entropy”
Written by Swordtail
Published March 17, 2008
Scene 1 - The USS Celestial is in orbit of yet another planet, this time a desert world.
Righteous (Voiceover) - Captain’s log, stardate 60119.2. We found this neat planet! It’s it cool? I hope they let me name it. I shall call it “Darcy.” Yes, “Darcy the Desert Planet.” Has a nice ring to it.
The camera goes to one of the Celestial’s transporter rooms. Tener, Blavik, Sa’lol, Baque, and Genocide are all either leaning against a wall or lying on the floor, panting and out of breath. They’re all wearing their Starfleet Standard Issue desert gear, which are covered in sweat and sand. Senseless and Righteous walk into the transporter room.
Senseless - Would someone mind telling me why you all bolted back up here like tribbles out of Qo’noS after only a minute on the surface?
Baque - Commander, we discovered something very peculiar. You know how the orbital scans said that this planet was covered in nothing but sand, sand, and, oh yeah, sand?
Senseless - Yes?
Baque - Guess what we found when we got down there? More sand!
Tener - Plus it was hotter than hell down there. 40 degrees Celsius, in the shade!
Senseless - Don’t tell me you all came back because it was hot and dusty.
Sa’lol - Hey, I actually liked the climate down there. Kind of like a vacation spot without crowds... or water... endless beach would be more like it I guess.
Senseless - Oh... kay...
Sa’lol - Anyway, it was all going fine until Mr. Negative here decided to tempt fate.
Tener - Hey, all I said was “this place is just like Arrakis out of Frank Herbert’s Dune books.”
Senseless (obviously confused) - How did that tempt fate?
Baque gets up, dusts himself off, and heads for the door. As he passes the Captain and Commander, he says:
Baque - Worms.
Senseless - Worms?
Sa’lol (Passing) - Bigggggg worms.
Tener passes with a kind of guilty look on his face.
Blavik (also passing by) - I would not recommend sending a shuttlecraft.
Senseless - ...Right.
He leaves the room as well, with Righteous following.
Righteous - I like worms! It’s nice to know that there are creatures out there dumber than me!
The opening credits... must... flooooowwww..... Sorry, couldn’t help myself.
Scene 2 - Utopia Planitia, Mars orbit. The camera pans around to a mass of scaffolding and maintenance habitats which all surround the completed form of a Flourish-class starship. On the massive ship’s bridge, Captain Spot Jr. is jumping around while Fleet Admiral Spot sits calmly in the central chair.
Spot Jr. - New ship! New ship! New ship! It even has that new ship smell! Wow I can’t believe they got it done so quickly!
Spot - You’d be surprised what a little compromising can do: I get my flagship built quickly, and the dockmaster gets a cookie.
Spot Jr. stops bouncing.
Spot Jr. - Huh? She actually fell for that?
Spot - The key to effective and long lasting leadership is to be smarter than your subordinates and to know how to easily amuse them. When it comes to dealing with humans, it’s not hard. Now, shall we launch?
Spot Jr. - Yes, ma’am! Helm, clear all moorings, seal all hatches. Energize the primary drive coils in impulse engines one through six and eleven through sixteen.
NoName #1 - Ma’am? Ops has cleared us for departure. All stations report ready.
Spot - Take us out.
The camera watches as the USS Litterbox II lights up and inches forward. Crew all over the orbital habitats stop what they’re doing and watch as the Federation’s new flagship, as well as its largest vessel, leaves the oversized shipyard and turns to port. At the very back of the ship is a large LCD display panel, which is currently displaying “No irrite el gato.” (Do not annoy cats). On the Litterbox’s bridge...
Spot - Alright then, helm set a course for Vulcan, best possible speed. Engage!
The helmsman hits a button and the ship powers up to prepare to go to warp. However, a loud sputtering sound is heard and the camera goes to the Litterbox’s nine-deck engine room to where the warp core has decided to shut down. Back on the bridge...
Spot - What the deus?
NoName #1 - Uh... don’t know. Engineering can’t find the problem.
Spot - I don’t have time for this. Call in the Starfleet Corps of Engineers.
So, moments later, a bunch of engineers beam into the Litterbox’s engine room. They set up their equipment and start checking readings.
Engineer #1 - Hmm...
Engineer #2 - Hmm is right. Let’s call someone who has had experience with this sort of thing.
They open a channel to Lieutenant Commander Dalarsh of the USS Solaris.
Dalarsh - What’s up?
Engineer #1 - We’re on the USS Litterbox and the warp core just spontaneously decided not to work. Rumour has it you know how to solve this problem?
Dalarsh - Yeah, this happens a lot on the newer ships. Has something to do with the new bio-deuterium fuels we use. Here’s what you do: Go replicate a thirty centimetre long, six centimetre in diameter, Teflon-coated composite lead pipe.
Engineer #2 quickly replicates the lead pipe.
Dalarsh - Now take said pipe and hit the warp core reaction chamber as hard as you can.
Engineer #2 shrugs and walks up to the warp core. He hits the core with the pipe and it makes a loud clang. The core instantly comes online and the Litterbox jumps to warp.
Engineer #1 - Thanks, commander, that did the trick.
Dalarsh - You’re welcome, any time.
Scene 3 - The Celestial is cruising through space at warp. Camera goes to Righteous’ quarters, where he is praying or something like that. Suddenly, his commbadge beeps.
Righteous - Righteous here, I’m busy, is it important?
NoName #2 - Sorry to bother you sir, but there’s a transmission for you coming in from Bajor. They say it’s urgent.
Righteous (sigh) - Put it through.
He goes over to his monitor as the Starfleet emblem is replaced by a Bajoran Vedek, looking highly distressed.
Righteous - Ah, Vedek Pardar, how are things on Bajor?
Vedek Parder - Terrible! Something highly distressing is happening!
Righteous - What?
Parder - Something is wrong with the Celestial Temple! It’s behaving oddly, opening and closing randomly, and the Starfleet scientists say it’s become unstable! They predict it could collapse without warning. All traffic through it has been suspended.
Righteous - Has Bajor done anything to anger the Prophets lately?
Parder - Not that we know of, but there’s more: Do you know about the Barzan wormhole?
Righteous - That’s the one that jumps around randomly, right?
Parder - Yeah.
Righteous - Never heard of it.
Parder - It’s the one that jumps around randomly.
Righteous - Oh, that one.
Parder - Yes, it’s been behaving oddly as well. It recently opened fifty metres above the ground of a Federation colony, nearly sucked everyone into it. They it collapsed and reappeared over five thousand lightyears away in the Vulcan system. Anyway, this is serious business. Something is out of the ordinary! Change, yes, you heard me, change! Change is happening! We need your help to preserve the Bajoran way! Uh... yeah. Can you help?
Righteous - You want me to disobey orders to never randomly go to Bajor again, put my ship and my entire crew at risk, just to solve a mystery that has something to do with the Prophets?
Parder - Essentially, yes.
Righteous - Well, what the caves am I sitting here for? We’re on our way!
He turns off his monitor and hits his commbadge.
Righteous - Bridge, this is the Captain! Set a course for Bajor, maximum warp!
The camera watches as the Celestial adjusts its course and accelerates.
Scene 4 - USS Litterbox. It’s cruising along, minding its own business. On the bridge...
NoName #1 - Ma’am, we’re getting reports that the Bajoran wormhole is acting strangely.
Spot - And we should care... why?
NoName #1 - We’re also getting reports that the Barzan wormhole is acting more random than normal as well. It just flew into the Vulcan system, on quite a random course. It was so random, in fact, that several Vulcans went into cardiac arrest.
Spot Jr. - Why doesn’t someone just blow that damn wormhole up? Seriously, it has caused more traffic jams...
NoName Cat #1 - Ma’am? The USS Celestial just crossed our long range sensors, moving at warp 9.934.
Spot Jr. - They’re certainly in a hurry.
Spot - Hmm... they’re usually never in a hurry to get anywhere... something must be up. Where are they heading?
NoName Cat #1 - Bajor. As usual.
Spot (sigh) - Hail them.
Beep! Righteous appears on the screen, surrounded by no-names on the Celestial’s bridge.
Righteous - Hello, ma’am! Fancy meeting you out here!
Spot - Lee, why the heck are you heading for Bajor like a cat out of water?
Righteous - Something strange is happening to the wormhole! We have to find out what is it.
Spot - Um, did it occur to you to maybe, I don’t know, let the scientists at DS9 do that!?!?!
Righteous - Pbbbt, what do they know?
Spot - More than you. Turn around this instant and go back to doing whatever it was you were doing before you decided to violate my direct orders never to go to that planet without a valid reason!
Righteous - Sorry ma’am, I didn’t catch that. Your transmission is breaking up. Could you please repeat?
Spot - Damn it, Captain! The transmission is perfectly clear! I can read the fine print on your Master Systems Display console from here!
Righteous - Uh... um...
He takes out a phaser and shoots the viewscreen. The signal cuts.
Righteous (voice only) - Yeah, as I was saying, breaking up.
Spot - Captain, if you don’t stop right this instant, I will hunt you down and give you an ass-kicking you’ll never forget!
Righteous - (Making a “bbbbbzzzzzt” noise.)
Spot - Ah, screw it. End transmission. Helm, pursuit course, maximum warp.
The crew follow her orders while Spot simply shakes her head.
Spot - Why do I put up with him...
Scene 5 - The rest of the bridge crew file out of the turbolifts onto the Celestial’s bridge and take their stations.
Righteous - Ah, good morning everyone!
Baque - That’s a matter of opinion.
Casey - Yeah, like, I had the worst, like, sleep. The, like, ship was, like, being loud.
Baque sits down and logs into his console, then does a double take.
Baque - Why are we flying at maximum warp?
Righteous - So we can get to Bajor quickly, duh?
Senseless - Do I dare ask why we’re going to Bajor?
Righteous - Celestial Temple problems. Gotta fix them.
Sa’lol - ...What?
Righteous - I’m no scientist, so you guys can figure it out for me. Some other wormhole is acting strange too.
Genocide - Meh, at least he didn’t get us out of bed before now.
Senseless - We probably shouldn’t put such a strain on the engines.
Righteous - Oh yeah, Admiral Spot said she’s gonna kill us all when she catches us, so maybe we shouldn’t slow down just yet.
Senseless - Damn it, sir... Toc, drop us out of warp.
Casey - Um, sir? Like, transmission from Bajor. Apparently, like, there’s been an accident or something, and, like they’re requesting medical, like, aid. Apparently the wormhole moved and, like, damaged the, like, station and we’re, like, the closest ship or whatever.
Senseless - Of course we are...
The camera goes several lightyears behind the ship to where the Litterbox is flying along as fast as it will go.
Spot - Damn it.
NoName #1 - They’re still out-pacing us.
Spot - Damn it! Engineering, more speed!
NoName #3 (comm) - What do you think this is, antimatter happy hour? We’re going as fast as we fucking well can, ma’am!
Suddenly, the ship lurches forward slightly and everyone is nearly thrown from their chairs. The sound of stressed metal can be heard reverberating throughout the ship.
Spot Jr. - Maybe we should slow down, this is an untested warp drive, after all.
NoName #3 (comm) - That wasn’t the engines...
The ship lurches again, much more violently this time. Consoles explode and cats bound across the room.
Spot - Drop us back to warp five!
The helmsman responds, but the ship lurches again anyway.
Spot - Okay, defiantly not the engines.
NoName Cat #1 - Admiral! We’re off course!
NoName #4 (at helm) - Confirmed, we appear to be now on a circular trajectory, the radius of which is decreasing. All attempts to adjust course are failing...
Spot Jr. - What’s so powerful that it can pull the fabric of subspace itself towards it? Black hole?
Spot - No, those don’t do this kind of thing... Ops, find the centre of our trajectory and put it onscreen.
The viewscreen changes to show a massive whirlpool of light, spinning towards a bright centre from which nothing appears to be escaping.
Spot - What in the name of furriness...?
NoName #1 - Sensor scans aren’t coming back! It’s like it’s not even there.
Spot - Or it’s sucking in our sensor sweeps... shut down the warp core! Do it! Do it now!!
The ship drops out of warp.
NoName #4 - We’re still being pulled towards it.
Sure enough, the spinning whirlpool of probable death moves into the centre of the viewscreen and continues to grow.
Spot - Meow, damn it! All power to impulse engines! Full reverse! That thing looks like it might hurt.
NoName #1 - Admiral! Unless the sensors are fucking with us, the entropy values of the matter in this area is increasing! It’s already way off the scales! Approaching infinity fast!
(Entropy being essentially an indicator of randomness within matter, for those of you who haven’t suffered through a 2nd year Thermodynamics course...)
Spot Jr. - Wait a minute, that’s impossible. Besides, if entropy were really at infinity at the centre of that thing, wouldn’t Swordtail’s 1st Law of Thermodynamics be satisfied?
Spot - Isn’t that the one that says that the limit, as entropy approaches infinity, of the probability of spontaneously getting pie equals one?
Suddenly, a pumpkin pie appears in the middle of the bridge with a poof. The bridge crew just look at it.
NoName Cat #1 - We’re doomed.
Scene 6 - Bridge of the Celestial. The crew are arguing with Righteous about whether to turn around now.
Righteous - Look, you and I both know we owe the Prophets big time for helping us win that big battle a few months ago.
Garell - We’ve been over this a hundred times: If it weren’t for the Prophets, that battle wouldn’t have even happened!
Righteous - No, the Pah-Wraiths caused that.
Garell - Do I need to run the slide show again?
Casey - Like, maybe we should turn around...
Righteous - My decision is final. Your objections will be noted in my log and subsequently forgotten, so don’t even bother voicing them. Besides, Deep Space Nine requested aid because of some big accident so we have no choice now.
Senseless - Deep Space Nine is a worthless pile of scrap metal. Starfleet is planning to replace it with a spacedock as soon as they get the material. Besides, they have the resources of an entire planet to augment their own. They can handle things themselves.
Sa’lol - No, guys, I really think we need to do as Casey says.
Righteous - What part of “no” don’t you people understand?
Sa’lol - The wormhole just flew by us, going the other way, at about warp 8.
Righteous’ face goes blank.
Righteous - Oh. Helmboy, reverse course.
Genocide - Does it bother anyone else that she just said that the wormhole, which as I recall is normally orbiting around the Bajoran sun, just decided to take off in our general direction at greater-than-light speeds?
Senseless - It probably should...
The camera watches as the Celestial does a 180...
Garell - Alright, I’m getting sick of this: Turns at warp cause microfractures in the hull. If they turn into breaches, I am not fixing them, you are!
Baque - Alright, calm down...
Casey - Like, incoming distress call.
Senseless - Oh, perfect... onscreen.
Beep! Fleet Admiral Spot appears on the viewscreen.
Spot - Damn it! Why are you always the only ship in range when I need someone?
Righteous - How do you think we feel? We’re the ones we seem to keep following...
Spot - That made less sense than usual. However, no time to yell at you. We’re being pulled towards a whirly... thing... We can’t go to warp because this thing seems to attract subspace as well as normal space.
Sa’lol - I guess that would explain why the wormhole is flying towards it.
Spot - ...What?!?
Genocide - Shall I have it destroyed?
Spot - Yes, damn you! Destroy that wormhole at all costs! Some nameless blueshirt just informed me a second ago that this thing is only attracting subspace at the moment; it’s still in normal space. If it intersects with subspace, it’ll spread throughout the universe faster than we can blink.
Senseless - What would that cause?
Spot - DOOMSDAY! AHHHH! Actually, I have no clue. Everyone on this ship is incompetent. We don’t even have a full crew, seeing as we were just supposed to be taking her out for a spin. Here, I’m uploading you some telemetry.
Righteous - Tele-what?
The viewscreen changes to show the whirling energy vortex.
Righteous - Oooh, pretty.
Sa’lol - Fascinating.
Spot (voice only) - Yeah, well, try being only three hundred million kilometres from the thing and closing fast, then see if you find it fascinating.
Baque - We’re approaching the wormhole.
Sa’lol - Get us in front of it and then decelerate slightly. Try to force it to open.
Baque - What the hell would that accomplish?
Sa’lol - Look, if that vortex is what I think it is, a little more illogic won’t hurt the situation.
Spot (voice only) - And considering the randomness this thing is generating, there’s no way to know what will happen when it opens.
Senseless - Randomness?
Spot (voice only) - Pie... lots, and lots of pie...
Righteous - Ooh! I have a better idea! Let’s go into the wormhole!
Senseless - Or let’s not. Lieutenant, care to tell us what you think that thing out there is?
Sa’lol - Well, judging by its location and by the fact sensors and subspace doesn’t seem to operate within it... I’d say it’s a tear caused by your transit into hyperspace a few months ago. It’ll slowly suck the entire cosmos into it and essentially cause a Big Crunch.
There’s a long silence on the bridge.
Spot (voice only) - Way to go, assholes, you broke the effing universe!
Righteous - Impossible! The Prophets would never allow us to break the effing universe! There must be another explanation.
Sa’lol - Oh there probably is, but I’m afraid the main computer recognizes the vague sensor readings we’re getting from that thing... it’s a portal to hyperspace alright. However, that’s where my analysis ends. No sense at all! Holes don’t randomly form for no reason, and that’s pretty much the basis for my entire theory. Take it or leave it.
Senseless - If that hole formed because we ripped open space thanks to Chester’s bomb, how come it took so long to cause problems? As I recall, this is a major shipping route through here, the only quick path between the Core worlds and the Bajoran Wormhole. Surely someone would have detected it long ago.
Righteous - Sure Lee what? That it’s impossible to be our fault?
Spot Jr (voice only) - Damage from warp nacelles could have weakened the subspace/hyperspace boundary here over time.
Baque - But Starfleet ships no longer use the kinds of nacelles that damage subspace.
Spot appears back on the monitor.
Spot - Oohh.... Starfleet doesn’t, but a lot of civilian pleasure craft still do...
Garell - What? Since when do civilian ships have engines powerful enough to damage subspace anyway?
Spot - Since the people that make them couldn’t get a good mix of power and practicality, so they just shoved a huge engine into a relatively small ship and marketed it as a light freighter.
Tener - That’s retarded.
Blavik - Indeed.
Spot - Good news. Thanks to your slowing of the wormhole, we were able to break free. Don’t ask me why, nothing is making sense today. On the bright side, we’ve got enough pie here to feed a starving planet.
Sa’lol - Right, and on that note...
She hits some buttons and powers down her station, then gets up and walks across the bridge towards the turbolift.
Senseless - Where are you doing? We’re in the middle of a crisis!
Sa’lol - No, we’re in the middle of a contrived situation. The Universe is billions of years old, I refuse to believe we accidentally broke it. Therefore, seeing as nothing is making sense anyway...
Righteous - Can we at least save the Prophets from falling into that hole?
Sa’lol - The Vulcan Science Directorate has concluded that highly-implausible situations are illogical, and thus should be avoided or ignored. I’m doing the latter. Anyone who wishes to join me, I’ll be messing around with the holodeck.
Tener - Meh, she’s got a point.
Tener stops leaning against the back wall and follows Sa’lol into the turbolift.
Puker - I agree, we should treat this thing like cancer: Leave it alone and it will go away.
Puker and Blavik also cram into the turbolift. The doors close. Senseless turns to the remaining officers.
Senseless - Well, at least some of you have an iota of common sense.
Genocide - I’m just here in case I get a chance to follow orders and blow up the wormhole.
Baque - And I’m here because no one else can fly the ship.
Garell - And I’m still here because one of you is bound to break something.
Casey - I’m just, like, bored.
Righteous - Options people, we have to save the universe!
Spot - There’s a herd of space whales passing by now! SPACE WHALES! This is not doing wonders for my ulcer...
Genocide - Let’s blow up the wormhole.
Righteous - Like hell we will.
Garell - In case you forgot, DS9 let some changeling fuck with the graviton emitters or something and super-stabilized the wormhole. Not even trilithium explosives would be able to destabilize it.
Genocide - Is that a challenge? Sounds like a challenge to me! Arming all weapons!
Spot - Good, at least someone on that ship has sense. Fire at will, commander.
Genocide - Yes, MA’AM!
Righteous - Noooooooooooooooooooo..........!
Genocide - I... haven’t fired yet.
Righteous - Oh, well don’t, because—
Genocide doesn’t listen and hits the fire button. The Celestial’s aft torpedo launchers let loose with a barrage of glowing balls of destruction right at the closely trailing wormhole. The torpedoes explode as they cross the event horizon and the wormhole explodes in a mess of blue foggy stuff. Back on the bridge, Righteous is staring at the viewscreen.
Righteous - ...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Genocide - Woo hoo! Problem solved!
Casey - Like, no sign of it, sir.
Righteous - All is LOST!
Spot (voice only) - Good work. I also just got word that Logic Man permanently collapsed the Alpha Quadrant side of the Barzan wormhole on the grounds that it was behaving “illogically.”
Righteous - Repent! The end is near! Computer, activate the self destruct sequence.
Computer - Unable to comply. Captain Righteous Lee does not have authorization to utilize the self destruct protocols.
Righteous - Oh, poo.
Senseless - Take us out of warp, let’s make sure it’s really all gone.
Baque takes the ship out of warp. Less than three seconds later, the ship starts shaking.
Baque - What the hell?
He spins the ship around in time to see the mouth of the wormhole open and swallow them.
Genocide - Hey! I thought I destroyed that thing!
Righteous - WOOHOO! Good triumphs over evil once again... err, no offence Mr. Genocide, I know you were just following orders. But YOUUUU, Admiral...
Casey - Like, she can’t hear us, because, like, communications aren’t, like, working in here.
Senseless - Well, get us out of here. There’s no telling how fast this thing is moving now.
Genocide - Um... why am I detecting a quantum torpedo heading towards us?
WHAM! Ship rocks, consoles spark, stuff breaks, the whole nine yards.
Baque - Engines offline!
Genocide - Shields down to 14%!
Casey - Like, hull breach on, like, deck 13.
Righteous - The Prophets are angry! Repent! Repent!
Genocide - Actually, I think one of our torpedos just didn’t hit anything and then turned around.
Senseless - I thought those things were supposed to explode if they sensed that they were on a course that would intersect their ship of origin.
Genocide - Ooh... Remember two years ago when a bunch of Romulans took over the ship and I was forced to fire a tricobalt torpedo into our own bridge in order to subdue them?
Senseless - Vaguely.
Righteous - I don’t.
Genocide - Well, you were unconscious throughout most of it. Anyway, I had to disable that feature and I guess I never got around to fixing it.
Senseless looks around at the bridge. A beam hangs from the ceiling, there’s a fire just to the left of the viewscreen, and a jet of gas is shooting near one of the turbolifts. No-names are tending to the injuries of other no-names and most of the lights have been blown out.
Senseless - Well... good job! Garell, how about them there engines?
Garell (in the process of filing her nails) - Pfft, I ain’t fixing them.
Casey - Hey, like, I have a question. The wormhole is, like, basically a tube through, like, subspace, right?
Senseless - If you wanna simplify it to that level, yes.
Casey - Well, like, if one end is, like, in the Gamma Quadrant, and, like, the other is moving here, and it, like, has a fixed, like, length... what will happen when it, like, runs out of slack?
Garell - Casey, that’s the dumbest thing you’ve said all day. Wormhole’s don’t have “slack” because subspace doesn’t work like that.
Whump! Everyone is thrown around as the ship suddenly hits the event horizon of the wormhole. The camera goes into space barely a hundred kilometres from the vortex and watches as the wormhole’s mouth, which is elongated more than normal, rips open and spits out a tonne of junk, including lead pipes, the kitchen sink, a Bajoran solar sailing ship, a bunch of busted up Dominion ships, a few orbs, some runabouts, tonnes of space rock, and the USS Celestial. The wormhole then takes off like a bungie cord in the opposite direction. Most of the junk falls straight into the whirly energy vortex thing, but some of it, including the Celestial and four Dominion ships, misses the vortex and slingshots around it to where the USS Litterbox is orbiting. On the Litterbox’s bridge...
Spot - What the deus?
Spot Jr - Is that the Celestial coming right at us?
Spot - Hard to port!
WHAM! The Celestial hits the Litterbox and bounces off it’s shields, sending both ships spinning. Back on the Celestial’s bridge, everyone is getting sick as the ship spins around them and stuff breaks.
Senseless - Divert power to the inertial dampeners!
Garell, during the brief instant when she’s thrown near her console, hits the buttons and the spinning stops. Everyone crawls back to their stations, Casey vomiting behind hers.
Righteous (still dizzy) - Stop the merry go round please, I’d like to get off...
Baque - I think we hit the USS Litterbox II.
Senseless - How many times have we hit other ships, I ask you?
Genocide - Too many times to remember. Is anyone keeping track?
Baque - I was keeping a tally of planetary approaches deemed unsafe, but someone erased a few lines, I think.
Casey - Like, incoming hail...
Beep! Admiral Spot appears on the screen.
Spot - Know what? I don’t want to know. Anyway, we think we can patch the hole using an inverted polaron beam coupled with a deflector pulse. You’re going to help. Now, before—
Boom, Litterbox rocks, sparks.
Spot - Oh, now what!?!
A second channel cuts into the first and a Jem’Hadar First appears on the screen.
Jem’Hadar - Surrender! Or you will all be killed!
The camera goes to the Litterbox’s bridge.
Spot - Oh, oh, oh fuck you! We’ve whopped your asses time and time again! Besides, the war is over. We won. You’ve got no backup.
Jem’Hadar - Victory is life! Never mind the fact that we’ve exited the wormhole hundreds if not thousands of lightyears from where we expected, and never mind the fact that half our fleet was somehow destroyed, and never mind the fact the Defiant is nowhere to be seen... DIEEEEE!
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Spot - Ah screw this. Return fire. Put them out of their misery.
Spot Jr. - Can’t. Phasers won’t be installed until Tuesday.
Spot - Then fire a torpedo!
Spot Jr. - Those don’t arrive until Tuesday either.
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Spot - Then prepare a boarding party! We’ll use the polaron emitter to punch a transporter beam through their shields or something.
Spot Jr. - Um, about the security teams...
Spot - Let me guess, Tuesday?
Spot Jr. - No, those arrive on Caturday.
Spot - What did I do to deserve this... open a channel to the Celestial.
NoName Cat #1 - Channel open, ma’am.
Spot - Celestial, we’re helpless. It’s all up to you... fuck.
Bridge of the Celestial...
Baque - Did she just say that?
Righteous - You heard the misguided Admiral! All power to weapons! Shields to maximum! Red alert! Battlestations! Furl the topsail! Batten down the hatches! Man the bilge pumps! Mr. Baque, turn us into the wind! Hoist the colours!
Genocide - Um... have you forgotten our shields are down to 14% and we’ve got a hull breach on deck 13, plus our engines are offline?
Righteous - Of course I’ve forgotten! Fire anyway.
Genocide shrugs and the camera watches as the spinning Federation ship fires at the busted up Dominion ships, which are still assaulting the Litterbox. On the bridge of one of the Dominion ships, a Vorta and the Jem’Hadar first are watching the assault on the Litterbox when suddenly the ship shakes.
Vorta - Ah, a second Federation ship.
Jem’Hadar Second - First, sensors are indicating that almost nine years have passed since we saw the Defiant.
Vorta - Who cares? The Founders ordered us to take over the Alpha Quadrant and that’s what we’re going to do.
Third - Second, we’re getting odd reports throughout the ship... pastries of various sorts are appearing out of nowhere.
Second - Acknowledged, Third. First, we’re getting odd reports throughout he ship. Pastries of various sorts are appearing out of nowhere.
First - Acknowledged, Second. Vorta, we’re getting odd—
Vorta - Damn it, I heard the Third give the Founder-damed report! Why must you guys take this “chain of command” thing so seriously?
First - Obedience brings victory.
All the Jem’Hadar - And victory is life!
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Vorta - Someone put that other Federation ship out of its misery...
First - At once... Second, instruct Third to instruct Fourth to instruct the rest of the fleet to move to intercept the other ship. We’ll continue to poke this one with a sharp stick, so to speak.
Back on the Litterbox’s bridge, stuff is exploding rapidly.
Spot - Damn it!
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Spot - God damn it!
Boom, ship rocks, more sparks.
Spot - Son of a bitch! Last year we totally wiped the floor with the Dominion at the Second Battle of Bajor! I am so frigging tired of machinery not working right! First Data and now my flagship! I won’t stand for it anymore!
Meanwhile, on the Celestial’s bridge, the crew are watching through the spinning viewscreen as three Dominion bug ships approach them, firing.
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Genocide - Shields are at 10%!
Garell - I still haven’t tracked down the problem with the engines.
Senseless - Then forget them. Divert warp power to the shields and weapons.
Garell - Shield emitters can’t handle that much power.
Senseless - Fine, just weapons then.
Righteous - Where did the Celestial Temple go?
Casey - Like, back to Bajor.
Righteous - Oh, good, everything’s fine then.
He says as a wall panel blows open and kills two no-names. The camera goes into space and watches as phaser beams from the spinning Celestial shoot at the three Dominion ships. A beam hits the middle ship and blows off its port engine. The other two veer off as the third one tumbles straight toward the Celestial, pretty much crippled. On the Celestial’s bridge, the crew see the disabled ship heading straight towards them.
Senseless - Intensify forward firing!
Genocide continues to fire at the Dominion ship but aside from blowing off a few chunks the ship continues barreling towards them.
Senseless (watching the viewscreen, now filled by the approaching ship) - INTENSIFY FORWARD FIRING!!!!
Everyone ducks or throws themselves to the floor in preparation for the impact, which never comes. The camera watches as the Dominion ship passes millimetres over the bridge.
Righteous - Phew, that was close.
WHAM! The Dominion ship proceeds to crash into the starboard warp nacelle and blows it clean off. Both ship and nacelle then explode as plasma streams out of the jagged pylon and just makes the Celestial spin faster.
Righteous - Whoops. Spoke too soon I guess.
Casey - Um, like, the other two are coming back!
Genocide - Shields are gone and we’ve got hull breaches on at least six decks. If they target our warp core we won’t survive another hit.
Garell - Should we eject the core?
Righteous - No, if we’re going into the Celestial Temple the permanent way, we’re sending as many of these sinners to the Fire Caves while we’re at it!
Casey - Um... like, something weird is happening to those ships!
The camera goes to the bridge of one of the approaching Dominion ships, where a different Jem’Hadar First is watching the Celestial through his dumb yet oddly cool-looking headset.
Fifth - First! We have a problem!
First - Do you know nothing? You have to tell the Fourth, he tells the Third, he tells the Second, and he tells me! Now, what’s the problem, if it’s soooo important?
POOF! POOF POOF! Pies of all kinds start appearing all over the bridge.
First - Ah oh...
POOF! POOF! POOF! More and more pies fill the two ships, so many that it starts crushing the Jem’Hadar and creating enormous pressure on the hull. The camera goes to space and watches as the ships explode in a mess fire and pie filling. Back on the Celestial’s bridge...
Righteous - Well... you don’t see that everyday.
Back on the Litterbox’s bridge, which is still exploding, Admiral Spot is hissing like a snake and just about as pissed off too.
Spot - WHY!
Spot - WON’T!
Spot - THIS, SHIP, WORK?
Spot - That’s it, that’s the last fucking straw.
She hops across the bridge as only cats can and takes the helm from the incompetent no-name who was manning it.
Spot - You, open a channel to the Dominion ship.
Spot Jr. - Uh... ok, Mom.
Spot - Hey!
Vorta - We don’t take prisoners, if that’s what you’re wondering.
Spot (trying to emulate a Swedish accent) - Do you want to play with the kitty?
Vorta - What?
Spot (still talking like that) - Well, the kitty wants to play with you! BANZAI!
She hits some buttons and the Vorta’s eyes go wide. The camera goes into space and watches as the massive Federation dreadnought powers up its engines and plows straight towards the Dominion bug ship. The camera goes to the Dominion ship’s bridge.
Vorta - EVASIVE MANOEUVRES!
First - Second, order evasive manoeuvres!
Second - Third, order evasive manoeuvres!
Third - Fourth, order evasive manoeuvres!
Fourth - Fifth, order—
Vorta - For the love of the Founders, stop with the chain of command stuff and just get us moving!
First - Following the chain of command was a direct order from the Founders, and we must obey, for obedience brings victory!
All the Jem’Hadar - And victory is—
SPLAT! The Dominion ships dies like a bug on the Litterbox’s shields. The camera goes back to the Litterbox’s slightly shaking bridge, where the viewscreen shows static until someone turns it back to a view of space.
Spot - Just getting to watch that made all this worthwhile. Now, how’s the Celestial?
NoName #1 - Heavily damaged. Their engines are offline, looks like they’ve lost a nacelle too.
Spot (sigh) - Lock a tractor beam on them and set a course for the nearest shipyard.
Spot Jr. - Can’t, tractor beam emitter doesn’t arrive until Caturday either.
Spot - Oh. Then just set a course for the nearest shipyard, warp five.
As a smile creeps across Spot’s face, the helmsman lays in the course and the Litterbox jumps to warp.
Spot Jr. - Oh shoot, we forgot to seal that hole! Turn us around...
NoName Cat #1 - No need. It’s been plugged full of pie.
Spot - Then maintain course, but increase our speed to warp 8... I’m eager to just get this day over with.
Scene 7 (Jesus Christ that last scene was long...) Bridge of the Celestial. Garell is reading a damage report to the others.
Garell - ...One hundred wounded, seventy dead, hull breaches on 8 decks, warp drive is offline, impulse engines offline, life support on deck 18, 19 and what’s left of 20 has failed, the coffee maker on deck 5 is clogged up, we’ve got a leaky tap in the men’s washroom on deck 4, section 9, our shields are gone, long range sensors are ka-put, subspace communications have epically failed, the secondary deflector has a wrench jammed into it, there’s a discman in the messhall that skips now, and the main computer has deleted all our Andorian cake mix recipes.
Righteous - But the Celestial Temple is fine now, so that’s all that really matters. Funny girl, you said it went back to its normal spot, right?
Casey - Like, yes sir... and the plot hole is plugged with pie.
Suddenly, the turbolift doors open and Sa’lol, Blavik, Tener and Puker step onto the bridge. They’re all wearing swimsuits and Hawaiian shirts, sunglasses or sun visors, and all look throughly tanned.
Senseless - Where the hell have you four been!?!
Sa’lol - Holodeck beach volleyball. We came up to ask if you wanted to come join us but it looks like you’re busy... what happened?
Baque - Well, first, we tried to destroy the wormhole but that didn’t work. We ended up getting sucked inside and hit by one of our own torpedoes. Then it ran out of subspace slack and we all got thrown out, along with some Dominion ships which had been in stasis in there for like nine years or something, so they opened fire on us, and the Litterbox had no weapons and we had no shields and then one Dominion ship rammed our starboard nacelle and the other two just exploded due to too much pie and then the vortex filled with pie and stopped sucking stuff in, then the Admiral just left us here.
Sa’lol - Woah, really?
Genocide - How could you not know? We were getting tossed around like rag dolls up here!
Blavik - The holodecks have independent inertial dampeners. We didn’t feel a thing.
Garell - Alright but when that ship rammed us, you had to have felt that.
Tener (To Puker) - I told you, I told you, something messed up my spike in the first set!
Puker - Fine, fine, I’m sorry I questioned your health by implying that messing up such an easy shot is an indication of Andronesian encephalitis...
Sa’lol tosses a volleyball across the bridge and it bounces off Righteous’s head.
Sa’lol - So... back to the original question... anything pressing to do or do you guys wanna come get your butts whooped until a ship arrives to tow us back to the shipyard?
The rest of the bridge crew look around at the mess the ship is in.
Senseless - Sure beats cleaning this up.
The rest of the senior staff head into the turbolifts, leaving the bridge filled with no-names.
NoName #2 (looking around at the mess he has to clean up, and letting out a sigh) - What I wouldn’t give to get off this ship...
The hull suddenly breaches and sucks him into space.