Oh wow. Final episode. I can’t believe I’m actually here. When I picked up a pencil and some looseleaf over five years ago, I had no idea I would be creating over seventy twenty-page stories which hardly anyone even reads. To be completely honest I have no idea what kept me writing. Originally it was just a way to kill the boredom on the long bus rides to and from school with my friends, but somewhere along the line it just became a way to write down thoughts and ideas in a form a few other people might actually read someday.
If you go back and read the very first episode I wrote, you’ll easily see how my style has changed. I’d like to think I’ve gotten better. I realize the humour isn’t as rampant as it originally was, but I’d like to think I’ve added other aspects to the story which hopefully make up for it. I’ve tried to incorporate aspects of modern religion, politics, technology, and ethical issues as they arose in the media or just sprung into my mind. A few episodes that come to mind are Episode 25, in which I tries to write about the idiocy of groups who like to say we should get rid of all nuclear weapons. Episode 50 looked at the ethical issues surrounding cloning. Basically, I tried to stay true to the Star Trek spirit.
Most authors often write a little about themselves in their work. I figure why not do so once it’s all finished? So yeah, you have to read through a boring biography now. Or you could just skip to the episode itself, which you’ve probably already done. But it’s ok, because I have a fool proof way to get your attention to this paragraph. Sex. It’s one of those words people just somehow always see when they skim a block of text. Aren’t I just the worst?
I’m a proud Canadian, as you’ve probably already figured out. I was born and raised in a small town in Nova Scotia, but am currently living in Ottawa. I’m in my third year of Aerospace Engineering at Carleton University, and that’s about all there is to say about me. I’ve never actually owned a cat, never fought radioactive mutant zombies, never had a divine vision, and therefore laugh whenever I hear someone say “write what you know about.” My life is boring, but whose isn’t? My pen name “Swordtail” is derived from the fact I used to own and actually managed to breed the type of fish known as swordtails. They’re kind of like guppies, but are actually more closely related to Platies. Yeah, don’t ask why I call myself that. I haven’t a sweet clue.
I’m a Star Trek fan, obviously, but also enjoy watching the Star Wars movies, am madly in love with Battlestar Galactica (what self-respecting sane human being isn’t?), Stargate, Farscape, and others. Sometimes.
And I like pie. Apple, cherry, blueberry, rhubarb, but my favourite is pumpkin.
I don’t own a lead pipe. Yet.
So now that you’ve suffered through that boring crap I tried to force you to read (I could be really mean and make a webpage that scrolls it by line by line and won’t let you proceed to the episode until it’s done) enjoy this episode. Or don’t. I honestly don’t care. I write what I want when I want and how I want. Like it or don’t, read it or don’t. The choice is, of course, yours.
But... um... only losers don’t like Star Trek parodies. :P
Scene 1 - Somewhere in another galaxy, onboard a massive space station, a cybernetic lifeform unlike any ever seen before awakens and steps down from its alcove. The drone walks and joins several other Borg in a line, exchanging their prosthetic arms for various other models. The Hive mind speaks in their heads, a quadrillion voices speaking at once.
Collective - 2, 3, 5 and 9 of 15, primary sub-adjunct of Unimatrix 01. Spatial vortex 1152 has been stabilized. Transfer primary power to the emitter assemblies. Prepare for intergalactic transfer of assimilation vessel. Also, to the owner of the white sedan parked in the fire lane: Move your vehicle immediately. Resistance is futile.
The camera watches as the five drones work various consoles. The camera goes into space and watches as the black metallic structure with blue lights opens up some sort of door and fires a beam of energy out through space. The camera follows the beam as it passes through a bright area of space, a massive white star with metal objects sticking out of it the source of the illumination. The beam hits a small blue vortex, which suddenly grows ten thousand times in size.
The camera goes through the vortex and emerges on the other side to face a huge fleet of starships of various origin. The camera zooms past Cardassian, Klingon, Romulan, Breen, Dominion, Gorn, Tholion, Federation, Vorn, Sra’xa’diin (Species 8472), and countless other ships and goes onto the bridge of the USS Litterbox, where Fleet Admiral Spot is sitting in command.
Spot - It’s opening. Alert all ships to standby all weapons. Set phasers on randomly modulating frequencies and tell everyone to be as creative as possible. Prepare the kitchen-sink launcher!
Everyone on the bridge turns to look at her.
Spot - Desperate times call for desperate measures. We’ll just have to use paper plates for a while!
Captain Spot Jr. - Helm, move us to optimal firing position. Tactical, initiate multi-targeting mode. Engineering, divert warp power to shields and weapons. All hands, battlestations.
No-Name #1 - Galaxy wings 1 through 100 report ready, ma’am.
Spot - Good. We have strength in numbers, advantage in diversity, and the element of surprise. And what do the Borg have?
Suddenly, the vortex balloons in size a hundred times and an enormous object punches through. It looks like a gigantic truncated icosahedron, and easily dwarfs the entire fleet. On the Litterbox’s bridge, everyone is staring at it in horrified awe. Finally, Spot Jr. breaks the silence.
Spot Jr. - Well, the Borg have a soccer-ball ship the size of a fricking planet, apparently!
If you have trouble viewing the video, it’s on YouTube.
Scene 2 - Somewhere else, a dumb-looking wormhole opens up and spits out the USS Celestial, then collapses. The ship tumbles around a bit before stabilizing itself. On the bridge, the entire senior staff is present.
Captain Righteous - Well that was convenient. Helm boy, where are we?
Lieutenant-Commander Baque - Sector 357, near the Tarazed sector.
Lieutenant Sa’lol - Shit, that puts us a good hundred light-years from the invasion point! What if we’re already too late?
Puker - Shall I replace all contraceptive injections with placebos so we can begin repopulating the galaxy?
Senseless - Maybe later. For now though, Toc, lay in a course for Starbase 474, maximum warp!
Garell - I take no responsibility if the ship flies itself apart.
The camera watches as the Celestial turns quickly and jumps into high warp, paint and hull plates flying off as it does.
Scene 3 - Back in that random sector of space where the Borg have decided to invade, the fleet is holding position as the massive Borg planet-ship hovers between them and the vortex. On the bridge of the USS Solaris, Captain Ketrell, Commander Ren, Lieutenant-Commander Adair, Lieutenant-Commander Dalarsh, Lieutenant Frell, and Lieutenant Tevarin and the nameless science officer are watching the massive wall of blue-black metal filling the viewscreen.
Adair - Did anyone else just feel the icy hand of death grip them?
Ketrell - Prophets damn it, that thing must be at least a thousand kilometres in diameter.
No-Name #2 - over 3,000 kilometres in diameter, and a perfect truncated icosahedron. I’m picking up billions of life forms and numerous high-energy power readings I can only assume are weapons.
Adair - They’re not moving. Just... sitting there.
Ren - What the fuck are they waiting for? They could probably vaporize every ship in our fleet in a matter of seconds.
Ketrell - How are we holding up?
Frell - Well, that thing is generating its own gravity field so our engines a working a little harder than normal, but other than that we’re as ready as we’ll ever be.
Adair - Shields are at maximum and weapons are armed and ready.
Tevarin - Look!
They all look at the screen in time to see the hexagonal face nearest the fleet open up in numerous spots. Thousands of small, fast, agile bluish black ships pour out of the planet-ship’s fighter bays and approach the fleet.
Adair - Fighters! Thousands of them!
Ren - No shit. Orders, sir?
Tevarin - Admiral Spot is hailing the fleet.
Spot (comm) - All cruiser wings, break formation and engage targets. Don’t let any get out of this system.
Ketrell - You heard the high-ranking feline, it’s show time!
Ren - Frell, attack pattern zeta. Rick, target the nearest ships and fire at will.
The camera watches as various medium-sized ships, including the Solaris and the Citadel, break formation and move to engage the streams of small vessels still pouring out of the planet-ship. The fleet fires weapons at the Borg fightercraft, and dozens are destroyed instantly. However, after a few seconds, their weapons no longer seem to be as effective, as the Borg adapt. The camera zooms across space to the massive Vorn flagship, the Vr’ischa. On the enormous ship’s bridge, the cat-like creature General Eshreen sees the battle and turns to her Vorn underlings.
Eshreen - Let’s see if we can give them a hand. Have V’loar wings 1 through 10 move to intercept. Tell them to target the planet-ship’s launch bays and hit them like a bag of hammers.
The camera watches as about 20 of the large V’loar-class dreadnoughts break formation and move towards the battle. Several Jem’Hadar battleships follow them. They all open fire on the streams of small ships as they exit the planet-ship’s massive inside, blowing the launch bays to pieces and collapsing the tunnels inside the Borg ship. The streams of fighters cease and the V’loars and battleships made quick work of the ones that had already left the ship. On the bridge of the Litterbox, Spot is watching this while Captain Spot Jr. eats popcorn.
Spot - That was too easy.
No-Name #1 - Ma’am! There’s movement on one of the other faces. A large door is opening. There’s a ship coming out... ah shit.
The camera watches as a huge cube leaves the planet ship and heads straight for the fleet.
Spot - Damn it.
She hits a button on her chair.
Spot - Galaxy wing 9, assist the ships nearest the planet-ship. Everyone else sit tight and try not to die in your sleep.
Camera goes to the bridge of the USS Saratoga, where Captain Farfetched, Commander Shelby, Lieutenant-Commander Garsh, Lieutenant Scratcher, and the no-name helm girl hear the orders.
Farfetched - You heard her, let’s go kick those jacks in their asses!
The Saratoga leaves its position next to the Enterprise and moves towards the 20 V’loar class ships as they turn to meet the cube. They open fire with everything they have and blow chunks off the cube, but it doesn’t slow down even slightly. The cube then fires a torpedo at three of the V’loar class ships and it blows them to smithereens instantly. On the USS Citadel, which was practically right next to the V’loar wings, Captain Castanea sees the blinding explosion and freaks out.
Castanea - Sweet mother of God! Evasive manoeuvres!
The Excelsior-class vessel weaves through the clouds of debris as the Cube fires at the other V’loar class ships, destroying them one by one. A large chunk of Vorn debris slams into the Citadel, tearing off one of the nacelles and sending the ship spinning. On the bridge of Solaris...
Tevarin - The Citadel’s been damaged.
Ren - Tell them to suck it up, we’re kinda busy here.
Adair - I have a weapons lock on that area of energy fluctuation we detected in the cube’s energy grid.
Ketrell - Fire!
Solaris opens up with phasers and photon torpedoes into a damaged area of the cube. A massive explosion ripples across that entire side of the Borg ship, blowing off pieces of the hull and finally slowing the ship down.
Adair - Ha! Score one for the good guys!
Tevarin - Incoming!
The cube fires an energy beam at Solaris, striking it just on the port side of the bridge. The beam blows cleanly through the ship and out the bottom, and the force of the impact throws Solaris down like a fly hit by a newspaper. On the bridge, everyone is thrown to the deck as the lights flicker and consoles explode. The operations station blows up real good, throwing Lieutenant Tevarin against the back wall, which also explodes. He falls to the floor in a burnt, battered heap, still on fire. Everyone else tries to gets back in their stations while Ren and a no-name blue-shirt go to check on Tevarin.
No-Name #3 - He’s dead.
Ren - Oh well, he was boring anyway.
Ketrell - Damage report!
Dalarsh - Main power is offline! Shields are down, and we’ve got a sewage and coolant leak on deck 8. Engines aren’t responding. One more hit and we’re finished.
Boom! The cube fires again, hitting Solaris on the side of the secondary hull, punching a hole through the entire width of the ship and taking off the front of the starboard nacelle as well. On the bridge, all the consoles and part of the floor explode in showers of sparks again, but the ship doesn’t blow up.
Dalarsh - My mistake! Oh, and that coolant leak has now turned into a full-blown lack of coolant flow to the core. We’re looking at a breach in a matter of minutes.
Ketrell - All hands, abandon ship!
Everyone runs towards the doors. In space, the Saratoga is still trudging towards the battle when it sees Solaris come under fire as it just did a few seconds ago.
Shelby - Good God... can nothing stop this thing?
Scratcher - TACTICAL REPORT, SIR! V’LOAR WINGS 1 THROUGH 10 HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY DESTROYED, SIR! THE USS CITADEL AND USS SOLARIS ARE DISABLED AND SOLARIS IS SHOWING SIGNS OF A—
On the screen, a sudden flash cuts him off as the USS Solaris explodes.
Scratcher - NEVER MIND, SIR!
Shelby - Oh my God. Are there any survivors?
Garsh - Numerous escape pods were launched. Looks like the Borg are ignoring them. Captain, it looks like the cube’s power grid is still fluctuating, but now it’s on the face approaching us. A large enough hit might overload it.
Farfetched - Alright you jackasses, let’s hit them with everything we’ve got! Fire all weapons!
The camera watches as the Saratoga, still bearing down on the cube, opens up with everything it has. The cube’s shields strain under the assault and fail in some areas. The cube responds by firing an energy beam at the Galaxy-class ship, hitting it square in the front of its saucer section and punching clear through the back. Explosions ripple across the hull and the Saratoga begins to spin. On the bridge, everyone is thrown across the room.
No-Name #4 - Helm is not responding!
Garsh - All weapons are offline!
Scratcher - MAIN POWER IS OFFLINE, SIR!
Captain Farfetched looks at the flickering viewscreen as the cube gets larger.
Farfetched - Alright you jackasses, you want us!? Well, suck! On! Our! Shit!
The camera watches as the Saratoga, still going full speed ahead, slams into the front of the cube, crumples up, and explodes. The fireball overloads the cube’s power grid and the entire ship blows up, its shockwave taking out several Jem’Hadar bug ships with it. On the USS Enterprise, across space, Vice Admiral Nelix sees the Saratoga explode and picks up a PADD.
Nelix - Today isn’t nearly as shitty as I thought it was going to be!
He adds a checkmark next to “USS Saratoga” written on the PADD, adding it to the ranks of checked ships along with the USS Celestial, USS Citadel, and USS Solaris.
B-4 - Citadel not fall down go boom yet!
Nelix - Damn it!
He unchecks the Citadel.
Picard - Admiral, if I may make a suggestion.
Nelix - Go right ahead, Captain Q-ball.
Picard (ignoring the jab) - Might I suggest we focus our attacks on the planet-ship itself?
Nelix - Gee, and here all this time I thought we could just sit here while they pick us off one by one! Idiot.
On the bridge of the USS Litterbox, Admiral Spot is shaking her head in disgust.
Spot - These incompetent ships will be the death of me... oh well, at least the Celestial isn’t here. (Hits button) All ships, engage the planet-ship and hit it with everything you’ve got! Be creative! They’re highly adaptive!
Ominous music starts playing as the entire fleet moves towards the massive planet ship and starts firing weapons. The planet-ship’s shields flicker under the assault but don’t seem to be weakening. The camera goes to the IKS Negh’var, where Chancellor Martok is having a field day.
Martok - Ha ha ha! Let slip the dogs of war!
His second-in-command gives a salute and turns to the gunnery officer.
1st Officer - You heard the Chancellor, arm war-dog launchers immediately!
The camera goes to a weapons control room somewhere onboard the Klingon flagship and watches as several Klingon crewmen carry barking puppies over to the torpedo tubes and shove them inside.
Klingon #1 - War-dog launchers are armed!
Klingon #2 - Fire!
The Negh’var fires dozens of flaming puppies out of its torpedo tubes and at the Borg planet-ship. Numerous bloody spots appear on the hull.
The camera goes to the bridge of a random Romulan warbird, where the commander is looking at the battle. From the lighting it is obvious the ship is cloaked.
Commander - Ha ha ha! They’ll never see us coming! We’re completely invisible! Go us!
Romulan #1 - Um... wait, doesn’t that mean the rest of the fleet can’t see us either?
Before he can respond, a Cardassian ship accidentally collides with the invisible warbird, destroying both. The camera goes to a random Federation starship.
Captain - Divert all power to weapons! Give them everything we’ve got!
Commander - Should we scrape the ions off the sonic showers, ma’am?
Captain - No! It won’t be enough! We’d better throw the showers themselves at them!
The camera watches as the ship fires numerous sonic shower stalls at the Borg ship, doing, surprisingly, quite a lot of damage. The camera goes close to the planet-ship where a Dominion assault ship has gotten past the ship’s shields. In a cargo bay, an assault team composed of numerous races is getting ready to board the Borg vessel. A Federation drill Sergeant is talking to them.
Sergeant - Alright men! This is most likely a one-way mission, but you’re all nameless so it’s no matter! Since energy weapons are useless against the Borg, we’ve had to resort to our most lethal non-energy weapons! Now, men, women, attack!
A chorus of “YEAH!"’s rises from the formation, as Jem’hadar soldiers raise their bayonets, Klingons raise their bat’leths, and Federation marines raise their lead pipes in triumph! The Sergeant operates the control panel and transports them all aboard the Borg ship. They run down the corridor cheering, beating the shit out of any Borg drones they encounter. Suddenly, a group of tactical drones materialize and start firing energy weapons at them.
Marine #1 - RUN AWAY!
Marines - RUN AWAYYYY!
They turn tail and run for their lives as the drones run after them and black cables shoot out of the bulkheads and inject them with nano-probes. Back on the assault ship, the Sergeant is watching the life form count drop quickly to zero.
Sergeant - Well, that lasted longer than I was expecting.
Scene 4 - On the damaged bridge of the USS Citadel, Captain Amy Castanea wakes up and pulls herself back into her chair.
Castanea - Report! And a couple band-aids!
No-Name #5 - Our orbit has taken us around the other side of the planet-ship. It looks like the Borg are ignoring us. Main power is back up but I don’t know how much longer it’ll last. We’ve lost warp drive but impulse engines are still functioning. Shields and weapons are offline.
Castanea - Around the planet ship? How close are we to the vortex?
No-Name #5 - Right on top of it.
Castanea - This could be our chance! Full power to impulse engines, take us through the vortex, we have to see what’s on the other side!
The camera watches as the battered Citadel leaves the Vorn debris field and flies through the blue-ish vortex and vanishes. It emerges on the other side, millions of light-years away in another galaxy. Everyone stops what they’re doing and stares out the window as the Citadel passes through enormous rings of black metal. Off in the distance other such rings, all leading into similar vortices can be seen. Hundreds of huge Borg ships, some of them even larger than the planet-ship, are moving about and numerous structures, each at least as big as the Milky Way Borg’s Unicomplex litter the starscape. What takes everyone’s breath away, though, is the enormous object in the centre.
Burning as bright as a trillion suns is a blue-white object the size of a red supergiant star, possibly bigger.
Castanea - My word... No one has ever seen a star that big, much less a blue giant! Are those energy tapping stations all around it? Do some scans.
No-Name #6 - Sure are. It looks like that object is transmitting power to everything in this system, and enormous amounts through the vortices... wait a minute, this could be the Borg power plant! If we destroy this thing, it could literally shut down every Borg unit everywhere in the universe!
No-Name #5 - Captain, our transit through the vortex saturated the ship with tachyons.
Castanea - Why are you telling me this?
No-Name #5 - To explain what is about to happen.
Suddenly, the turbolift door opens and a security guard walks in dragging Binky the Mistreated Targ by the tail.
No-Name #7 - I found this on Deck 4, stuck in a toilet.
Binky - Whee!
Castanea - I’ll deal with him later. We have to find a way to destroy that star. Scan it.
No-Name #6 initiates scans and frowns.
No-Name #6 - Its mass is off the scale. If I didn’t know better, I’d say it’s actually a supermassive black hole. And it’s not composed of hydrogen... it’s... it’s...
Suddenly, every console goes blank and all the control interfaces are replaced with a single, familiar Greek letter. Castanea’s eyes go as wide as Galaxy-class saucer sections.
Before anyone can ask what’s going on, the consoles go back to normal and they all start beeping.
No-Name #5 - Borg ship, on an intercept course!
Castanea - Get us back through the vortex! Now!
She panics and looks around the bridge. Spying Binky, she grabs him by the tail and drags him, kicking and screaming, towards the turbolift.
Castanea - No-Name #5, you have the conn.
As she rides with Binky down the turbolift shaft, she records a message on her commbadge. When the door opens, she takes off running down the corridor, Binky in tow.
Castanea - Computer, transfer all sensor data from the last five minutes to my commbadge’s internal memory.
Computer - Beep, de beep!
She runs around a corner and into a room filled with torpedoes. Binky sees the familiar sight and starts to squirm more. Castanea takes her commbadge off her tunic and shoves it forcefully down Binky’s throat. As Binky coughs and gags, Castanea opens a torpedo tube and kicks the mistreated targ roughly inside. She slams the door shut and goes to the targeting computer. Seeing that the vortex is dead ahead, she hits the “Fire!” button and Binky is shot out of the Citadel like a missile... seconds before a Borg torpedo blows the ship to kingdom come.
Scene 5 - On the bridge of the USS Litterbox, Admiral Spot is yelling orders as the ship explodes around them.
Spot - Why the hell can’t anyone fly a ship in this quadrant?!? We’re doing more damage to ourselves than the Borg are!
On the viewscreen, three Dominion bug ships ram the side of the planet ship and a massive explosion can be seen, but it’s still pretty insignificant.
No-Name #1 - Admiral, another cube just launched from the planet ship. It’s heading straight for the colony!
Spot - Let that worthless starbase handle it!
The camera goes to space and watches as various ships veer out of the way as the cube plows through the fleet, straight towards the blue-green colony a million kilometres away. A mushroom shaped spacedock floats in a high orbit, along the cube’s path. In the station’s Ops room, the station ops crew sees the cube coming for them.
Commander - Alright, let’s give them a warm welcoming, people!
The camera watches as the starbase powers up its phaser emitters and fires a huge assault phaser beam straight at the cube. The camera goes to behind the cube, a wall of black metal filling the screen. Suddenly, an orange glow can be seen and a second later the phaser beam punches through the back side of the cube. Through the gaping hole the starbase can be seen. The cube explodes because it’s stupid and insignificant. Back on the USS Litterbox, Spot is still yelling orders.
Spot - I don’t care how big it is, I want that ship destroyed! Now! God, I hire you people to give me results, not more questions.
No-Name #8 - Ma’am! Something just came around the side of the planet-ship, and it’s emitting a Starfleet signal! It’s really small, and very mistreated... looks like a dog... or a large rat... maybe a mutated cockroach... oh, it’s a targ.
Spot Jr. - Beam it to the bridge!
No-Name #8 - Right away, sir!
No-Name #8 works the transporter controls and Binky the Mistreated Targ materializes on the bridge, keeps flying across the room, and slams into No-Name #8, killing the unfortunate crewman. Spot hops off her chair and walks over to the targ.
Spot - This guy was transmitting a Starfleet signal?
Binky gets up dizzily, then throws up on the carpet. Spot sees the commbadge amid the mess.
Spot - Ew... um... You! Analyse this!
No-Name #9 reluctantly walks over and picks the commbadge out of the vomit, then scans it with a tricorder.
No-Name #9 - Its data banks are full. Sensor data, from the USS Citadel, plus an audio file.
Spot - Let’s hear it.
No-Name #9 transfers the audio file to the main speakers.
Castanea (comm) - To whomever finds this, we’ve passed through the vortex and have taken scans of the Borg power source. It is a massive collection of Omega molecules, slowly being destabilized to provide power to the Borg. It looks like it powers their entire collective. If we somehow destroy it, we can wipe them out once and for all! Also, I think we might have dinged a white sedan which some idiot parked in their fire lane, so don’t be surprised if our insurance premiums go up... again.
On the screen, several Sra’xa’diin ships are grouping up to fire a bio-pulse beam at the planet ship. Spot sees it and yells.
Spot - All ships, defend the Sra’xa’diin assault ships!
Several Romulan ships are destroyed taking bullets for the Species 8472 ships, but they are successful and the beam fires outwards at the planet-ship. It punches cleanly through the shields and plows into the ship, flying right out the other side before the beam is cut off. Explosions ripple across the planet-ship’s expansive hull.
Spot - Ha!
On the planet-ship, numerous drones disconnect from alcoves and begin walking around.
Collective - Biologically advanced species detected. Assimilate. Resistance is futile... heh, that’s what she said...
In space, a weird beam fires out of the planet ship and hits one of the Sra’xa’diin battleships, locking it in place instantly. The beam disassembles the bioship at the molecular level and the stream of atoms is sucked back into the planet-ship.
Collective (onboard) - Assimilation complete. Eliminate all hostile units from this sector.
The planet-ship then opens up with a barrage of pwnage. Energy beams, torpedoes, and other such things fly out of it at hundreds of locations. Thousands of ships are hit, hundreds being destroyed instantly. The Vorn flagship Vr’ischa is hit by a torpedo and a massive hole is blown in the side. On its bridge, General Eshreen is thrown around the exploding room.
Eshreen - Sweet step-mother’s uncle’s cousin of God! All units, fall back! Fall back!
The entire fleet turns tail and warps out of the system. The planet ship quickly destroys any stragglers. On the starbase, the commander sees the fleet retreat.
Commander - Ah... fiddlesticks.
The planet-ship fires a torpedo across the system which impacts the starbase at its base. The commander opens a hatch and looks down, watching a wall of fire race up the length of the station.
Commander - Fuck.
BOOM! The entire station explodes violently.
Scene 6 - The USS Celestial races through space, on the bridge, Righteous frowns as he watches the coffee in his cup ripple slightly as the ship vibrates.
Righteous - How much longer do we have to wait?
Genocide - That’s assuming of course the entire fleet wasn’t wiped out.
Senseless - Anything on long range sensors?
Sa’lol - Nothing. We’re just entering sensor range of the Sol system and even it is completely empty. It looks like they weren’t kidding when they said they were throwing everything they had into battle.
Casey - Um, like, sir, there’s, like, a lot of, like, comm, like, talk going through the, like, subspace bands. It’s, like, encrypted though.
Baque - Between Earth and the fleet?
Casey - No, like, Earth and Bajor.
Righteous sits upright and spills his coffee on the floor.
Righteous - Bajor!?! What are they saying?
Baque - Did she not just finish saying it was encrypted? Ass...
Senseless - Try hailing Earth.
Casey works her console and an Admiral appears on the screen, looks at them with a confused expression, and looks like he is about to say one thing before choosing another.
Admiral #1 - Celestial? You’re still in one piece?
Senseless - Barely. What’s going on?
Admiral #1 - The Borg have taken the entire system around what used to be Starbase 474. Most of the fleet was able to retreat and have fallen back to the Bomai sector. Initial reports indicate most of the 9th Fleet was destroyed. So only minor losses.
Righteous - Wait... which fleet was that one again?
Puker throws his hands up in the air.
Puker - Okay, that’s it! I’m fed up. I’m going to find a way to make him smarter. Right now.
He goes into the turbolift.
Puker - Deck 7!
The door closes and everyone turns back to the screen.
Senseless - What’s with the communications with Bajor? Why are they encrypted?
Admiral #1 - Because it’s classified? And I obviously can’t tell you?
Righteous - Hey! As a Bajoran citizen and a upstanding member of Earth’s Federation as well, I demand that you tell me whatever gossip you’re sharing with them!
Admiral #1 - Hey you guys wanna do something productive? Go to Starbase 474 and get yourselves killed. Do us all a favour. Earth out.
The Admiral slams his hand down on the comm-off button so hard the viewscreen blows sparks into the air.
Righteous - He seems like a nice guy. Well, let’s go get ourselves killed then. I’ll be in the shrine praying for divine intervention.
Righteous gets up and leaves the bridge.
Sa’lol shakes her head and turns to her console, then opens hailing frequencies to Jupiter Station. A familiar Bynar appears on the screen.
Lieutenant-Commander Bios - You! Hey! Long time no see! Rumour was you guys were dead!
Sa’lol - Yeah funny story— Well, okay not really that funny, but we try. Hey what’cha up to? If I know you computer scientists you’re all probably busy thinking up ways to hack into the Borg computer systems and override them, eh?
Bios - Um... actually we were all playing Rock Band and waiting to get assimilated.
Sa’lol - You’re pathetic.
Bios - Yeah, we know.
Sa’lol - Maybe you can do us a favour then.
Bios - Sure, I’m waiting for my turn anyway.
Sa’lol - Wanna tell me what Earth and Bajor are so busy talking about?
Bios - Oh that? Yeah, we hacked those frequencies the second they were sent out.
Sa’lol turns around and faces the rest of the bridge.
Sa’lol - Hey you guys, come here!
Everyone gets up and walks over to crowd around her station.
Garell - Oh, hey Bios!
Bios - Hey guys! So as I was about to say, it turns out the Borg are powering their entire collective with a massive collection of Omega particles. Starfleet thinks that if we find a way to destabilize it, we could literally wipe out their entire race.
Genocide - I thought Starfleet was against stuff like that? Don’t tell me they’ve changed their laws and not informed me.
Bios - Well, self-righteousness is all fun and games until someone gets driven extinct. Anyway, some scientists figured that the only way to destabilize enough of the star to cause a chain reaction is to detonate an antimatter inversion bomb close to its surface.
Senseless - ...And they’re hoping to find the plans to such a device on Bajor?
Bios - Yeah, but it turns out Dr. Jelor wasn’t fooling around when he said he was going to destroy them.
Genocide - God damn it, I knew I should have killed that guy when I had the chance!
Garell - Can’t they just track down another copy, like we did?
Bios - They’re trying, but most of Bajor is busy praying for the Prophets to come in and help them, so they’re a little understaffed at the library.
Baque - Great. I somehow knew that ridiculous religion would be the death of us all.
Tener - Maybe someone can just recreate the technology.
Bios - Ha! Good luck! People have been trying since last July when they were first discovered.
Sa’lol - Well thanks, you’ve been a big help in getting our hopes up and then crushing them again.
Bios - Glad to be of service. By the way, I have a new version of CelestOS ready for you. I can just upload it through—
Everyone on the bridge - No!
Bios - Why not!?!
Blavik - After the events surrounding the last release of CelestOS, accepting any further upgrades would be illogical.
Bios - Yeah well, your mom is illogical!
Blavik - I believe you’re confusing my mother with my sister.
Sa’lol - Heh, yeah... wait a minute... hey!
Genocide - Now, now, children, there will be plenty of time to take out your pent up girly Vulcan rage later when we go to fight the Borg like we’re still on a course to do.
Scene 7 - In the Situation Room onboard the USS Litterbox, Admiral Spot hops up on the table display and sweeps the dust and debris off a section of it, then point to a spot.
Spot - Alright, the Borg have assimilated the colony, but the planet ship is still guarding the portal. We’ve set up a perimeter and we can probably hold any ships in that try to get out of the system, but if the planet-ship itself tries to get past us there’s nothing we can do to stop it.
No-Name #2 - Why don’t we blow up the sun?
Spot Jr. - Starfleet isn’t in the habit of going around blowing up stars just for kicks.
Spot - As the head of Starfleet, I officially rescind that lack of habit. I like blowing up stars. Let’s do it.
Spot Jr. - Okay, next question: Who do we send to do it? It’s very risky and could result in it being a suicide mission.
Spot - Oh, I have an idea.
Scene 8 - Onboard the USS Enterprise, Admiral Nelix finishes talking to Spot on a monitor at the back of the bridge. He hangs up and turns to the bridge crew, who are waiting patiently to find out what the call was about.
Nelix - Captain Riker.
Riker - Yes sir?
Nelix - I’ve got good news and better news. The good news is you are about to be given a ship and thus you won’t be lounging around the Enterprise anymore. The better news is you get to go fire a trilithium torpedo into the sun in the Borg-occupied system.
Riker - How is that better news?
Nelix - Oh, that’s good and better news for me. You’re fucked. Especially considering what ship you get to command.
Several minutes later, Captain Riker, Counsellor Troi, Lieutenant Barclay, and numerous no-names are cramped into the USS Halfass as it travels towards the star at the centre of the Borg-occupied system.
No-Name #10 - Captain, we’re within optimal firing range.
Riker - Target the sun and prepare to fire the trilithium warhead.
No-Name #11 - Captain! A Borg fighter is on an intercept course!
Barclay - Ba-ba-ba-Borg!?! Borg!! Ahhh!
Smack! He runs into a wall and knocks himself unconscious.
Troi - Why did we bring him again?
Riker - Dunno, Admiral’s orders.
No-Name #11 - They’re entering weapons range.
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Riker - Fire the torpedo!
The camera watches as the USS Halfass fires a glowing torpedo at the perilously-close star.
Troi - How are we supposed to escape?
Riker - Admiral Nelix assured me the torpedo has a two minute delay timer on it, so we should be able to get out of the system safe—
KA-BOOM! The star blows up.
Riker - I’m starting to get the impression Admiral Nelix doesn’t like me.
Troi - And I’m starting to get the impression I married an idiot.
Barclay (regaining consciousness) - And I’m starting to get the impression he’s bitter about being neutered all those years ago.
The camera goes into space and watches as the level 12 shockwave obliterates the Halfass, the attacking Borg ship, and expands across space. Asteroids, planets, comets, etc are all blown to smithereens as the shockwave moves outward. It hits the former-colony and reduces it to gravel, then proceeds to hit the Borg planet-ship. Across the sector, Admiral Spot is watching the long range sensor reports coming in, showing the Borg shields strain under the assault of the shockwave, but they hold. Several explosions erupt from near the damaged portions of the planet-ship, but it doesn’t even budge from its position in front of the vortex.
Spot - Ah come on! Son of a bitch!
Onboard the Enterprise, Admiral Nelix has just watched the Halfass get destroyed. Everyone else is silent while Nelix celebrates.
Nelix - Oh, this is such a good day! I’m getting to see all my dreams fulfilled! I’m fully okay with dying now, everybody.
Suddenly, a console beeps. Worf checks it out.
Worf - Captain, a single escape pod was thrown out of the system by the shockwave. I’m picking up three lifeforms onboard.
Picard - Beam them to the bridge.
Riker, Troi, and Barclay materialize on the bridge.
Nelix - How the fuck did you even survive!? It defies all logic!
Riker - Go to hell!
Nelix - Wrong answer.
He pulls out a phaser and stuns Riker, who falls unconscious to the floor, bashing his head off a console on the way down.
Nelix - That’s go to hell, sir! Sheesh, first Solaris’ crew survives with only a loss of their ops guy, and now this. Oh well, at least the Celestial isn’t here to ruin my other triumphs.
Scene 9 - In the Celestial’s briefing room, the entire senior staff is present.
Righteous - I’ve called you all here for one simple reason: To ask who the hell stole the cookies from the cookie jar!
Casey - Like, it wasn’t me!
Righteous - If it wasn’t you, then who?
Baque - I want off this ship. Give me an escape pod and a couple ration packs and I’ll take my chances in space.
Senseless - The real reason we’re here is to discuss how we’re going to destroy the Borg power source.
Garell - Who the hell says we have to do it?
Puker - Because it’s our series and it would be rude to let someone else take all the credit for bringing peace to the galaxy.
Tener - What peace? The second we beat them everyone will just going back to fighting their various pointless wars. In a matter of weeks everyone will have completely forgotten about this invasion, and that’s of course assuming there’s anyone left alive because how the heck are we supposed to blow this thing up?
Righteous - We could poke it with a very long, very sharp stick! Like a balloon!
Genocide - I like the blow it up idea.
Senseless - I figured you would. Alright people, we’ve got five hours until we reach the rest of the fleet. We have to have an idea by then. I want everyone to brainstorm and we’ll meet back here in an hour. Dismissed.
Everyone gets up to leave, and Casey trips over her chair and falls onto Tener, knocking him into Garell, knocking her into Baque, etc, until half the senior staff ends up on the floor.
Senseless - It’s never easy...
Scene 10 - In the mess hall, Lieutenant Blavik is staring out the window as dust streaks past the ship. Lieutenant-Commander Genocide walks up to her carrying a mug of coffee.
Genocide - Sorry about the extra work I’ve caused you medical people from my latest game of Velocity. When I’m trying to come up with ways to blow things up, I tend to get a little violent.
Blavik says nothing.
Genocide - Um... ok... what’s up with you? It’s usually hell to get you to shut up and not talk when no one wants you to.
Blavik - Commander, can I ask you a question?
Genocide - You just did, but that joke has been beaten to a bloody pulp with lead pipes so I’ll let it slide.
Blavik - How do you live with yourself knowing that your job requires you to sometimes end the lives of countless others, some of whom could essentially be innocent?
Genocide - It’s easy, really. Life requires death. If you get basic enough, all life must sustain itself by ending the life of another organism. Until the invention of the replicator, humans were no different than any lesser species. And throughout history, even the most noble of civilizations have had to kill countless others just to survive. It’s a simple fact of existence. Murder and senseless killing of course is never appropriate, and yes I realize I’m a hypocrite for saying so, sue me. My point is you have to sit back and decide who you would rather condemn: Strangers who are trying to kill you for their own perfectly reasonable reasons, or your own people, who depend on you to keep them relatively safe and free of fear. I’ll choose us any day of the week. It would be insane not to. Okay, maybe not on Mondays.... I hate Mondays.
Blavik - Then I believe I know what I must do.
She leaves the mess hall. Genocide just shrugs and then takes his phaser and kills a random no-name.
Genocide - He, he, he, I love my job.
Scene 11 - In the briefing room again, the entire senior staff is present.
Righteous - So, anyone have any visions from the Prophets?
No one speaks.
Righteous - Well, you’ll all burn in the fire caves anyway.
Blavik - Everyone, I have a solution to our problem.
Sa’lol - Oh sure, here we go...
Blavik - Starfleet is correct in assuming that the only technology capable of creating a disturbance large enough to destabilize the Borg power source is matter inversion wave.
Garell - Yeah, that’s nice and all, but the technology was lost.
Blavik - Lost, yes. But not forgotten.
Garell - Da hell you talking about?
Blavik - A few months ago when we built a matter inversion bomb using Dr. Ketrell’s blueprints, I saw every page of the design specifications. My photographic memory allows me to recall every detail of the files.
Senseless - Are you saying that you can build one?
Blavik takes out a PADD and puts it on the table.
Blavik - I’ve recreated the blueprints from memory. You’ll find them completely accurate.
Genocide and Garell scramble to pick up the PADD and skim through the pages.
Genocide - This is amazing!
Sa’lol grabs Blavik and hugs her tightly.
Sa’lol - I’m so proud of you, little sis!
Blavik - Please stop strangling me.
Righteous - We’re saved!
Blavik - There is a problem though.
Righteous - We’re doomed.
Blavik - By my calculations, the explosion generated by a device this small won’t be powerful enough to overload the Borg power source. They’ve found a way to stabilize the Omega molecules and destabilizing them will require nearly a 50% matter to antimatter conversion.
Genocide - So... we need a bigger explosion? I like it, but how?
Garell is reading the data on the PADD.
Garell - You want to use the power of a warp core to start the conversion field emitters?
Blavik - It would be the only way to generate enough power.
Garell - But then the emitter itself would have to be the size of a... deflector array...
Garell looks up at the ceiling and around the room.
Blavik - Ma’am?
Senseless - What are you thinking, commander?
Garell - What if we turned the Celestial into a giant antimatter inversion bomb?
Blavik - Matter inversion bomb.
Garell - Shut up. I think we could do it! The ship would be destroyed when the system was activated of course, but it’s past its useful life anyway.
Genocide - As long as I get to push the button, I’m all for it.
Righteous - But... but... oh fine, do it.
Stupid uplifting music starts playing as the crew file out of the room and the camera fades out and fades back into watch no-names doing extensive modifications to the ship. In Main Engineering, Garell and her engineering staff are running power cables from the warp core to various pieces of equipment, referencing data on wall monitors as they do so.
In the astrometrics lab, Sa’lol, Senseless, and Genocide are drafting up a battle plan as a rotating schematic of the Borg planet-ship.
Genocide - It’s moved back and is completely covering the vortex event horizon. We can’t get around it.
Senseless - We’ll have to find a way. Maybe we can lure it out somehow.
Sa’lol - Whatever we do we’d better do it soon, sensor scans have revealed that it’s rebuilding its armada of fighter craft and repairing the damage done in the first assault. (Checks her watch) That, and I don’t want to miss House tonight.
Genocide - Just line me up for a few good shots and I’ll undo all that repair...
Senseless - I’ll hold you to that.
Meanwhile, in a previously unseen section of the ship, Righteous is kneeling alone in an empty room. A large expansive window overlooks the secondary deflector and out the front of the ship. In the centre of the room sits an old control wheel from a Bajoran lightship. Affixed to the pedestal is a golden plaque, which is emblazoned with the ship’s motto.
“Fight for only what, in the long run, is worth keeping around.”
Righteous is kneeling before the pedestal, staring out the window as dust and gas particles are accelerated to lightspeed by the ship’s passing warp field, being converted to pure energy by their relativistic velocity and causing the familiar streaks of rainbow-coloured light that fly by ships at warp. Casey enters the room and sees Righteous.
Casey - Like, sir, Lieutenant-Commander, like, Garell says that, like, the ship will be ready by the time we get, like, there.
Righteous - Casey, have you ever really thought about what this means?
Casey - The, like, motto? Not really, sir.
Righteous - Throughout our lives, we always fight. Not always with weapons, but always for the same thing. We fight for what we want, our hopes and desires. And we fight for ideas. Ideas of freedom, ideas of peace and prosperity. Sometimes we fight because we believe we deserve to survive. But do we really? Are our ideas truly worth keeping around?
Casey - Um... yes? Did Dr. Puker happen to, like, inject you with anything recently?
Righteous - All my life I’ve believed a higher power, the Prophets, have guided me along the path they choose for me. But today I’m given reason for pause. If we succeed, countless sentient beings will be murdered. They outnumber the entire population of our galaxy by a factor of a million, or so naive Vulcan underling’s sister tells me. How can I make that choice? How can I condemn quintillions of beings just to save myself and my people? Is this truly the will of the Prophets, or is the Borg way the way the Prophets want us to go?
Casey looks thoughtful for a second.
Casey - Sir, I think that, like, it’s our ability to, like, question our ideas and our actions that, like, sets us apart from them. They, like, are driven by, like, one ideal, or whatever, and they, like, never question that. They truly, like, believe that their way is, like, the only way. But we’re, like different.
Righteous - How so?
Casey - We accept there are, like, other ways to live. We do, like, try to influence races to, like, adopt our way of, like, life, but we don’t, like, force them too. We let everyone make their, like, own choices.
Righteous - So do we really have the right to force the Borg to accept the choice of oblivion?
Casey - What do you think, sir?
Righteous - Casey, I know I’m not very smart—
Casey - Like, very true.
Righteous - And I make mistakes sometimes.
Casey - More than, like, often I’d say.
Righteous - But I think I know the difference between right and wrong.
Casey - I, like, agree.
Righteous - And I don’t think it’s right to barge in there and blow them all up without giving them a choice.
Casey - Sir... There’s always a difference between the right thing to do and, like, the smart thing. Or so some TV show told me, like, once.
Righteous - Casey, either way I’m going to stop this war. But I have to offer them the chance to live.
Casey - Like, I understand... I think. And I think you’re right.
Righteous - Casey, you’re the only person on this ship who can truly understand me.
Casey - You’re not nearly as retarded as you seem.
Righteous - I’m not what now?
Casey - Exactly.
Righteous - I hope the crew can someday forgive me for all the things I’ve done to cause them stress.
Casey - I think they, like, will, sir.
Righteous - Because people like you and them and even Admiral Nelix are worth keeping around. And ideals like choice are worth fighting for. And worth dying for.
Righteous gets up and walks out of the room. Casey shrugs and then looks at the old control wheel on the pedestal. She gingerly pokes at it and the ship lurches slightly. Casey quickly throws her hands behind her back, and quickly departs the room.
Scene 12 - On the USS Litterbox, Admiral Spot is staring at her monitor wide-eyed at what Righteous just said.
Spot - You want us to what!?!
Righteous - You heard me right, ma’am.
Spot - Are you retarded? Never mind, don’t answer that. Does your crew know what you’re proposing?
Righteous - Yes, and they think it’s a wonderful idea!
Spot - I must be out of my furry mind because the more I think about it the more sense it makes. You want us to distract the Borg ship and draw it away from the vortex so you can slip the Celestial through, park next to the Omega star, abandon ship and then blow it up?
Righteous - Yes. Does anyone have a better idea?
Spot looks behind her to a bunch of white-coated scientists who are working away at a table. They all shake their heads.
Spot - Fine, we’ll do it your way... God damn it, I can’t believe I’m going to put the fate of the entire known universe into the hands of... YOU! GAH!
Spot slams her paw down on the comm-off button so hard that Righteous’ monitor blows up, falls out of the wall, ruptures a plasma conduit on deck 6, and results in the deaths of twenty unfortunate crewmen who were in that corridor at the time. Righteous shrugs and gets up and walks out of his ready room onto the bridge, where no-names are welding various equipment to a console in the centre of the bridge. He gets into the turbolift.
Righteous - Deck 7 please.
When the turbolift doors open again, Righteous walks down the corridor and goes into Sickbay and up to Dr. Puker.
Righteous - Vaughn! If you’re not too busy, I need you to perform a surgery. On me.
Puker gives him a confused look, but then shrugs.
Puker - I’ll always make time for a surgery!
Scene 13 - Thirteen is an unlucky number. Nothing good can happen in this scene. Therefore, to alleviate people’s fears of being caught in the thirteenth scene, we’ll just renumber the entire episode and drop the number 13.
Scene 14 - That’s better. Wait a minute, it’s still the thirteenth scene. Fuck. Oh well! The USS Celestial flies through space at maximum warp. A hull plate breaks off and narrowly misses the camera.
Righteous (voiceover) - Captain’s final log, stardate 60387.7. As we approach our final mission and possibly the end of our lives as well, I find myself dwelling on the past four years of my life onboard this ship, and that other one which blew up for some unknown reason. I’ve been waiting for music-accompanied flashbacks to start, but they haven’t yet. Maybe there’s a button somewhere I have to push. Oh well. I’d like it to be stated for the record that the men and women and various transgendered species who served aboard the starship Celestial did so with courage, valour, and dignity... and that they really suck at Crazy Eights.
The camera goes to the bridge. The entire senior staff is present, as are several no-names, as usual.
Garell - I’m done. We’re now standing on the most powerful bomb ever built.
Genocide - Dreams really do come true!
Baque - We’re approaching the rendezvous coordinates.
Senseless - Take us out of warp.
The camera watches as the Celestial drops out of warp and parks itself alongside the USS Litterbox, the Negh’var, and the Vr’ischa, and scrapes itself against the latter. The camera goes back to the bridge.
Casey - Like, Admiral Spot is hailing, like, us.
Righteous - Onscreen, please!
Beep! Admiral Spot’s furry kitty face appears on the main viewer.
Spot - Admiral Nelix shat himself when I told him you’d survived your mission. Rumour has it Picard is still in surgery having his face reattached. Well, this is your party now, Lee. Don’t screw it up. Let me know when you’re ready to go. Spot out.
The viewer goes back to showing the Celestial manoeuver around the Vr’ischa, which still has a gaping hole in its side.
Righteous - Okay, computer, put me on ship-wide intercom.
A high-pitched whine tells everyone he’s on.
Righteous - All hands, this is the captain. As you all should have figured out by now, we’re about to engage the enemy in an attempt to destroy them. Even if we weren’t planning on using the Celestial as a fire-ship, whatever that is, she is too damaged to survive the oncoming assault. You’ve all served very well and I would buy you all ice cream if there weren’t over 500 of you. That would cost a lot. Sorry, I’m broke. But you deserve ice cream, so make sure you get some soon. Now, that being said, this battle is a one-way trip, and I will not allow you to get yourselves killed when it isn’t necessary. So, without further adieu, get the hell off my ship.
Everyone silently looks at him, and then the no-names at the back of the ship slowly move towards the doors. Senseless snaps out of it and gives the official order.
Senseless - Uh, all hands, abandon ship. Repeat: Abandon ship.
Lights and alarms go off as no-names everywhere scramble to pack up their belongings and head for the escape pods. Back on the bridge, the senior staff are holding their ground.
Righteous - I said get the hell off my ship.
Senseless - Forget it. You’ll just screw it up. As first officer I’m required to go.
Righteous (sigh) - Fine, but the rest of you have to leave.
Genocide - And miss causing the biggest explosion since the Big Bang? No thank you. Plus, I was court-ordered to serve under you until one of us dies. I legally can’t leave.
Garell - Someone has to monitor the equipment and fix it when the Borg decide to open fire on us.
Baque - And someone has to pilot this bucket of bolts.
Puker - And someone has to patch you all up when you get a face full of exploding console.
Sa’lol - And someone has to take scientific readings and... um...
Righteous - Nice try. These guys make sense, you don’t. Get off my ship! And take your sister with you, one medic is enough.
Tener - Well, you’ll need a security guard.
Genocide - Yo-hoo, over here? I was chief of security long before you even had a name.
Casey - And, like, you need a... button pusher.
Righteous - Funny girl, guy I promoted for no reason, naive Vulcan underling, naive Vulcan underling’s sister, your courage is... courageous, but I’m afraid you’re not needed. Do us a favour and remember us, will you?
Tener - Alright then.
He stands at attention and salutes the rest of the crew, who salute back. Casey, Blavik, and Sa’lol join him.
Tener - It’s been an honour, my friends.
Righteous - Really?
Tener - Well... not really. But it’s been fun. Good luck.
The four of them turn and leave the room. The camera goes into space and watches as the last escape pods leave the ship.
Righteous - Crazy weapons guy, hail Admiral Spot. Tell her we’re ready.
More ominous music plays as the entire fleet turns and jumps to warp. In a rock-filled area of space, the Borg planet-ship sits right on top of the spinning blue vortex. Suddenly, the sky is filled with the flashes of thousands of ships dropping out of warp at close range, coming in from all directions. As they enter range, they all open fire with everything they have. The planet ship’s shields strain under the impact of so many weapons, and fail in some areas, but the planet-ship fires back. On the bridge of the Vr’ischa, General Eshreen yells to her underlings.
Eshreen - Charge all point defence cannons, make sure nothing hits us!
The Borg ship fires its super-ship-killing torpedoes at the Vr’ischa, but the Vorn ship manages to destroy them before they hit. The camera zooms to the middle of the fleet, where the Celestial drops out of warp and a large explosion erupts from the starboard nacelle. On the bridge, everyone struggles to hold on.
Garell - That’s it, warp drive is gone.
Senseless - It served us well while we had it. Start charging the meson capacitors.
Genocide - Alright old girl, time to do what you were born to do...
Garell hits a button and the whole ship starts to vibrate.
Baque - We’ve got a problem. The planet-ship isn’t moving.
They look at the viewscreen as a Romulan Valdore-class warbird explodes after being hit by a Borg energy beam.
Genocide - Suggestions?
Righteous - If we can’t go around, we’ll just have to go through!
Senseless - Good a plan as any. Full speed ahead!
The Celestial’s impulse engines light up like the first of July and the ship plows ahead through the battle. It dodges ships and debris and stray torpedoes as it heads straight for the Borg planet-ship. On the bridge of the Litterbox, Admiral Spot sees them going.
Spot - Godspeed, Celestial. —Ah, who am I kidding? We’re all screwed.
The camera goes to the Celestial’s bridge, where the viewscreen is showing the massive wall of metal approaching fast.
Righteous - Mr. Genocide, do your stuff.
Genocide - Don’t mind if I do.
The camera watches as the Celestial fires pulse phasers, tricobalt torpedoes, and phaser beams from every forward weapons port. The barrage hits the planet ship right on top of one of the exit hatches and the hatch blows apart. The Celestial flies into the wide tunnel which runs deep inside the ship. The ship passes an intersection of various tubes and numerous small fighters start following it.
Genocide - We’ve got company!
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Senseless - Commander!
Genocide - I know, I know, I’m on it.
The Celestial fires its aft weapons and destroys a number of the pursuing fighters, but more pour in from adjoining conduits and open fire on the Celestial.
Genocide - I can’t keep this up all day, as much as I’d like to.
Senseless - Toc, take a left up here.
Baque - I hope you know where you’re going.
The Celestial hangs a hard left turn at the next junction, but the fighters aren’t shaken.
Senseless - A right at the next one!
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Garell - Aft shields are at 50%. The secondary hull is starting to buckle!
Righteous - That sounds bad.
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Senseless - Toc, go straight up, then hang a quick left!
The ship pitches upwards 90 degrees and flies for a short distance, then quickly yaws to port and doesn’t quite make the turn, scraping the starboard side against the wall of the conduit. On the bridge, explosions rip through the Master Systems Display console.
Senseless - Damn it, commander!
Baque - This isn’t easy, shut up!
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Senseless - Toc, right here, then down, then right, then up, then left! And be quick!
Baque - She certainly doesn’t handle like she used to...
The camera follows the ship as it does a complex series of turns, all the while shooting at the small black ships following it. Suddenly, the conduit comes to an end.
Baque - Uh, commander? Dead end!
Senseless - Genocide, open it up!
Genocide fires the ship’s forward phasers and pulse cannons and the wall of metal starts to melt and warp and chunks are blown off, but it is still intact.
Genocide - Forward torpedo launchers are jammed!
Garell - What!??!
Genocide - The torpedoes won’t load!
Garell - I have to get down there, see what the problem is.
She runs to the turbolift.
Garell - Deck 12.
The doors close and the turbolift rattles away.
Senseless - We’ll have to just punch our way through. Senseless to Garell, brace for impact.
The camera watches as Garell, still in the turbolift, hears it.
Garell - What!? You got to be kidding me!
Everyone on the bridge grabs onto something as the ship flies straight at the wall of metal. It hits it hard and everyone on the bridge is thrown forward. In the turbolift shaft, Garell’s car grinds to a stop while traversing a horizontal shaft and she is thrown roughly into the wall. All over the ship, consoles explode, beams buckle, corridors twist and warp, hull plates rip off, and windows shatter as the ship flexes and deforms under the strain, but the ship manages to punch through the wall and emerges on the other side in a cavern the size of a small moon. The torus shaped bay is lit from a billion blue lights and in the centre is composed of a giant energy plexus of some kind. On the bridge, everyone picks themselves up.
Senseless - Damage report?
Genocide - You don’t want to know. Half the ship just decompressed.
Righteous - That hurt.
While Puker tends to everyone’s injuries, Garell pulls herself to her feet in the dark turbolift car and turns on a flashlight. She pries the doors open and starts running down the shaft itself. Back on the bridge, everyone is looking at the sight on the viewscreen.
Righteous - Ooh, pretty!
Genocide’s console starts beeping.
Genocide - Oh shit, we’ve got a Borg cube on an intercept course.
Borg (comm) - We are the Borg. Your meaningless existence is now over. From this point forward you will serve a higher cause: Us. Resistance is futile. Also, this weekend only, assimilations will be 30% less painful. Tell your friends.
Baque - Commander?
Senseless - Full speed ahead! Get us to the other side!
Baque - I hope you don’t intend to make us ram the other side as well, because we won’t survive it.
Puker - Internal sensors show Garell is nearing torpedo control, I don’t think you have to worry.
Genocide - They’re entering weapons range, I’m targeting their engines.
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Righteous - That wasn’t a very big hit.
Senseless - They probably don’t want to risk blowing us up this close to that core... thing.
Genocide - Oh really now?
Meanwhile, on deck 12 in the torpedo control room, Garell has discovered that Binky the Mistreated Targ has gotten himself jammed in the torpedo loading machine, somehow.
Garell - I’d ask, but I honestly don’t care how you got in here.
Binky - Whee!
Garell grabs Binky by the leg and pulls with all her might. The battered targ comes loose from the loading mechanism and falls to the floor with a thud. Garell taps her commbadge.
Garell - Garell to bridge, you may fire when ready.
She watches as the ship auto-loads four torpedoes into the tubes. The camera goes into space and watches as the Celestial fires four quantum torpedoes at the massive structure in the centre of the giant donut-shaped cavern. They impact and part of the structure blows up. Lights all over the cavern flicker. Out in space, the planet ship’s shields suddenly fail. Admiral Spot sees it and jumps to her feet.
Spot - What the heck? Did they get through already? Who cares! Fire all weapons!
BOOM! Her answer comes as the planet-ship fires an energy beam at the Litterbox. The beam punches straight through the primary hull and out the other side, and the Litterbox goes into an uncontrolled spin.
Spot - Guess not.
Back inside the planet ship, the Celestial has momentarily dazed the pursuing Borg cube, which is careening uncontrolled towards the side wall.
Genocide - You know, we probably don’t want to be around when that hits.
BOOM! On the viewscreen, the cube impacts the side of the planet-ship’s interior and explodes. The shockwave impacts the Celestial and the ship gets thrown forward. On the exploding bridge, Genocide fires a torpedo at the wall of the cavern and a hatch is blown apart. Baque flies the ship into the conduit just as more little black ships start following them. In torpedo control, Garell, satisfied with the loading mechanism, turns to Binky.
Garell - How is it you keep surviving anyway?
Before he can respond, a temporal portal opens up beneath him and sucks him away.
Garell - Ah.
She’s about to leave when she hears something. She looks down through the catwalk and spies, next to the main deflector, three Borg drones.
Garell - Garell to bridge, intruder alert!
The drones hear her call and stop examining the deflector and look up at her.
Garell - Ah, fucking hell.
She takes her phaser and shoots through the catwalk at the drones. One goes down. She fires at a second but they’ve already adapted and it does no damage.
Garell - Shit! Why does the universe hate me so much?
She starts running as the two drones clamber up a stairway to try to reach her. Garell jumps over a railing and lands hard on the deck below. She suddenly realizes she’s backed up against a wall as the two drones walk straight towards her.
Garell - I’m guessing you must have gotten in when the Cube exploded and our shields momentarily failed.
The drones say nothing and keep approaching.
Garell - I’m also guessing you’re really interested in why our primary systems have been so severely modified from Federation standards.
Still no response as the drones get closer.
Garell - Well, I’m afraid to inform you... you’ll find out soon enough.
She hits a button on the wall next to her just as the drones reach for her. Instantly, an airlock tears open and Garell and the two drones are sucked out of the front of the ship. The Celestial pitches up to go through another conduit and Garell and the two drones impact the side of the one they were just in. A blue splatter and two explosions are the last glimpse the camera sees as it follows the ship and then goes to the bridge, where Puker is reading a console with his jaw wide open.
Puker - Um... guys... I’ve lost Lieutenant-Commander Garell’s commbadge and biosign... and there’s an airlock open on deck 13.
No one says anything.
Senseless - Alright, we knew the risks and I doubt she’ll be the last of us to die on this mission. Let’s keep going. Hang a left up here.
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Genocide - Company’s back.
Righteous - They killed blue woman! Make them suffer!
Genocide - Aye sir, setting phasers to maximum suffer!
The camera watches as the Celestial fires all its weapons, but not at the pursuing ships. Instead, it hits the sides of the conduit, which start spewing plasma and debris into the conduit behind the ship, impacting the following ships and doing extensive damage to a large number of them. The ship does a 120 degree turn and scrapes the port side on the wall, sending off a shower of sparks and debris. On the bridge, the impact causes a beam to fall from the ceiling.
Righteous - Hey watch it, helm boy!
Baque - Stop calling me that and maybe I will!
Senseless - Save it for the Borg. Left, right, up and then right.
The camera watches as the Celestial does the complex series of turns, scraping against the walls each time. Finally, the corridor widens and a hatch can be seen at the other end.
Puker - Tachyon readings beyond that hatch are off the scale, the vortex is definitely on the other side.
Senseless - Genocide, make that hatch go away, please?
Genocide - I live for this!
The camera watches as the Celestial fires its main weapons at the hatch, which blows apart and the pieces are sucked into the swirling blue vortex beyond it.
Righteous - Full speed ahead!
The Celestial plows through the event horizon and is transported to another galaxy.
Scene 15 - Meanwhile, back in the Milky Way, the battle is not going so well for the defending forces. On the burning bridge of the USS Litterbox, Admiral Spot climbs out from under a fallen ceiling tile.
Spot - Fleet status report!
No-Name #12 - The Vorn ships have all either been destroyed or disabled, and their flagship is dead in space. The Dominion fleet has also suffered heavy losses. All their battleships have been neutralized and their lines are falling apart. The Cardassians, Romulans, and Klingons are in chaos, and most of the remaining ships are heavily damaged. The Sra’xa’diin ships are being assimilated one by one, but they’re trying to regroup for a final offensive run.
Spot - What about our forces?
No-Name #12 - Fleets 1, 4, and 9 have been decimated. All our Galaxy wings are either destroyed or disabled. Fighter wings are experiencing a very high attrition rate. One of our cruiser wings has engaged the Borg in a Pogs battle, but initial reports don’t put us ahead. We’re hoping to play marbles against them next.
Spot - Damn it! And our own ship?
No-Name #12 - Heavy damage to all decks. Our starboard weapons array is offline and our shield grid has completely failed. Also, I regret to inform you, ma’am, that all can-openers are offline.
Spot Jr. - No! How will we open cans of cat food now?
Spot - We’ll have to improvise! Tell the science department to forget researching ways to defeat the Borg and get to work on developing a way to open cans immediately!
No-Name #12 talks into his commbadge, listens, then turns back to the Admiral.
No-Name #12 - Admiral, the science department says they began development of a small metal mechanism as soon as the electronic can openers failed. They report our can-opening ability has been diminished but we can still open enough cans to feed all the cats on the ship.
All the cats on the bridge cheer.
Spot - Alright, then let’s get back to beating the shit out of that planet-ship! Damn it, what is taking the Celestial so long?
Scene 16 - The camera zooms across the universe to a galaxy full of mostly dim, blue stars. It flies into the dense core of the galaxy, past a swirling mass of what appears to be an accretion disk, and into the inner confines of the galaxy’s core, which is oddly devoid of matter, save for a few glinting structures, which as the camera zooms in more are revealed to be solar-system sized space stations and planet-sized ships. In the centre, powering everything, is the super-massive blue-white star composed entirely of Omega molecules. The camera continues to zoom in, past numerous swirling blue intergalactic vortices to a scaffolding-like structure surrounding one such vortex, where the USS Celestial has just emerged from. On the bridge, the crew see the telemetry coming in from the ship’s sensors.
Baque - If the Prophets really do exist, we could really use their help right now.
Suddenly, the viewscreen starts to go static, then shuts off completely.
Puker - We just lost all sensor systems! The charging of the weapon is draining too much energy and our damaged power grid can’t keep up.
Baque - We’re flying totally blind! Someone gimme a space-dwelling seeing eye dog or we’re toast.
Genocide - I’m retracting the viewscreen.
For the first and probably last time ever, the viewscreen and parts of the two adjacent walls retract into the floor, revealing a large window behind them. On the outside of the ship, a portion of the hull retracts and allows the light to pass into the bridge.
Baque - I can’t see anything below or behind us.
Genocide - Oh what the fuck do you want? A fucking rear view mirror? We aren’t going to fly backwards anyway.
Boom, ship rocks, sparks.
Genocide - Fuck. What was that?
Baque - I don’t know, it came from behind us!
Genocide - Oh, fuck you.
Genocide starts firing the ship’s aft weapons blindly, trying to hit whatever is firing at them.
Righteous stands up and walks to the middle of the bridge and looks out the window.
Righteous - That’s a really big bright thingy. Are we sure blue woman and naive Vulcan underling’s plan will work?
Puker - It says here the capacitors are fully charged. All we have to do is activate it and everything within a million kilometres will be 50% converted to antimatter. The resulting explosion will be enormous. Coupled with the subspace shockwave created by the destabilisation of so many Omega particles, subspace itself will be torn to shreds. Every vortex will destabilize, and I have high doubt the billions of Dyson spheres the Borg also use for power will survive.
Righteous - I haven’t a clue what you just said, but I think it had something to do with that thingy I made you put inside my head.
Senseless - What?
Righteous - Oh, I had the detonator implanted in my brain... right?
Puker nods, then stops when he spies something out the window.
Puker - Everyone get down!!
As Puker runs across the bridge towards Righteous, Baque looks out the window as a Borg cube barrels towards them.
Baque - That’s a ship.
Puker slams into Righteous and sends the confused Bajoran flying into the helm console, just as Baque tries to pitch the ship downward. The camera watches as the massive cube smashes through space and barely nicks the Celestial at the top of the bridge. The impacted area is small, but the force rips the entire top of deck 1 off. On the now-exposed bridge, the explosive decompression sucks every unanchored object out of the room... including Dr. Puker.
Puker (flying off towards the underside of the Borg cube through space) - I’m dead, Lee.......
A small impact appears on the Borg ship’s shields and Dr. Vaughn Puker is no more. Force fields finally engage on the bridge and the environmental systems work overtime to pump air back into the room. Everyone gets up and looks around at the damage.
Righteous - He... he... saved me! May the Prophets bless his soul!
Senseless - We can get all mushy later. Damage report.
He says this as the bridge is now nothing more than a floor, consoles, and half-walls. The windows are gone, the doors are gone, the ceiling is gone, the chairs in the briefing room and ready room are gone, and thirteen white fluffy kittens which had been in stasis for such a dramatic event are also gone.
Genocide - Um... yeah, I think it’s pretty self-explanatory: Hull breach on deck 1.
Before anyone can say anything further, the ship jolts to a halt. A funky green beam can be seen emanating from the Borg cube which just hit the ship.
Baque - Shit, we’re not moving!
Genocide - And our weapon systems are offline!
Righteous - We’re doomed!
Genocide - Not if I can help it!
He reaches under his console and pulls out his trusty flak cannon and a vest covered in ammo for it.
Genocide - I was hoping to be the one to push the button and blow this whole galaxy to hell and back, but I’ll have to settle for maiming every drone on that frakking cube! Commander, transport me over there! Somehow! Just make some shit up if you have to! Everyone, it’s been an honour!
Senseless - Commander, you’ll get yourself killed.
Genocide - I’m fairly certain none of us are coming back from this mission anyway, so if you don’t mind, I’d rather go down kicking ass! Oh fine, I’ll do it myself. Bye!
He hits some buttons and dematerializes. The three remaining officers are silent for a moment.
Baque - We may have just sent the Borg the most cruel and unusual form of punishment ever created.
Scene 17 - On the Borg cube, a Federation transporter effect materializes as Lieutenant-Commander Genocide. Three drones disconnect from their alcoves and move towards them.
Genocide (tearing the safety system out of his flak cannon) - I live for two reasons: To eat pie and kick ass!
The drones stop and look at him. The camera zooms in to Genocide’s eyes, which narrow.
Genocide - And I’m all out of pie...
BAM! BAM! BAM! He unloads a flak shell into each drone, blowing them to pieces. An alarm goes off and more drones move to intercept him.
Genocide - (Bam!) Who’s! (Bam!) Your! (Bam!) Daddy!?
Genocide looks like he’s having the time of his life as Borg body parts go flying through the corridors. One drone gets too close and Genocide swings his flak cannon into the drone’s head, a shower of sparks and blood exploding from the unfortunate drone. The camera goes outside the ship and watches the cube, still locked onto the Celestial, have holes blown in its hull. Back onboard, Genocide finally comes down to his last shell.
Genocide - Well...
Several drones slowly approach him as he backs up towards a wall.
Genocide - So it looks like I only have a few choices here.
The drones say nothing as they continue to back him against the bulkhead.
Genocide - I could use my last shot to take one of you down and then let you take me with my hands around your scrawny throats... Or I could use the shot to kill myself and rob you of the enjoyment of assimilating me.
The drones say nothing and continue approaching.
Genocide - But, I wasn’t raised a quitter. No, I was raised an explorer. And as an explorer, I am forced to ask questions. And one question that’s been bugging me for a little while now, is...
He swings his cannon away from the approaching drones and points it directly at an odd-looking section of the wall, then turns to face the drones.
Genocide - What would shooting this do?
The drones stop dead in their tracks. Genocide smiles.
Genocide - That’s what I thought.
He pulls the trigger. The camera goes out into space just in time to watch the cube blow up real good. The shockwave hits the Celestial as the tractor beam shuts off and tosses the ship forward with tremendous force. On the bridge, everyone is thrown into their seats.
Senseless (checking readouts) - Aft impulse engines offline. Hull breaches on decks 14 through 20, 7, 4, π, 2½, and ∛. Force fields are not responding and we’re losing atmosphere fast!
Baque (looking out the front of the bridge at the rapidly approaching Omega star) - Oh... shit!
Scene 18 - Back in the Alpha Quadrant, the fleet is rapidly losing the battle. The USS Litterbox, missing a nacelle, drifts helplessly in space as other ships fly around it, pointlessly shooting at the planet-ship. On the Litterbox’s bridge, dead no-names litter the floor as a small, fluffy gray kitten carefully walks around the bridge. Everything is silent except for the occasional rattle from a ship exploding nearby.
Adeline (in her impossibly-cute Slavic accent) - Ha-wo? Anybodies here?
She spies movement under an overturned chair. Admiral Spot, battered and bruised, crawls out from under it.
Adeline - Nice kitty!
Adeline runs over to Spot and starts licking her. Spot simply slumps to the deck.
Spot - Adeline, we have to assume the Celestial failed. Frankly, I don’t know why we even held out any hope they even made it twenty metres into the Borg ship.
Adeline - But, but, but... we has Ceiling Cat on our side!
Spot - So did the feline civilization and look what happened to it. Adeline, you should get off the ship. Save yourself and get as far away from here as possible before the Borg start assimilating the galaxy.
Suddenly, emergency power is restored by someone elsewhere on the ship. The lights come back on, the viewscreen activates and shows the Windows emblem before going blue and restarting in safe mode, and then showing the outside of the ship, where numerous smaller ships are still attacking the heavily damaged but still completely functional planet-ship. The battered remains of the Vr’ischa floats helplessly through space and through the debris field of a thousand destroyed starships. Several no-names get up off the floor, apparently not dead.
No-Name #13 - Aw, man, nap time’s over. Now we have to work again.
Spot - That’s right! Captain!
Spot Jr. - Yes ma’am?
Spot - What is happening out there!?
Spot Jr. checks some still-functioning consoles and turns to his high-ranking mother.
Spot Jr. - Hatches are opening all over the planet-ship!
Before anyone can ask why, Adeline points at the viewscreen.
Adeline - Looks!
Streaming out of the planet-ship are hundreds of thousands of large pyramid ships. Each sports a blue emitter of some kind on its underside and what is obviously a massive weapon on the top.
Spot - Assimilation ships... we’re too late.
Before the fleet can really do any damage, the thousands of ships jump to warp in every direction.
Everyone on the bridge turns and looks to Spot for orders. Spot just sits there, practically foaming at the mouth.
Spot - Alright, all of our races are about to be assimilated, and there’s nothing we can do. We can’t outrun Borg ships, we can’t reason with them, so we’ll do the only thing left to do. It’s time to show them that these cats still have claws!
She raises a clenched, clawed paw into the air and then whips her head to face No-Name #13.
Spot - You, find me the biggest hatch on that thing and relay the coordinates to the helm!
She turns to another no-name.
Spot - You! Hail the fleet! Tell them all to follow us and just keep shooting at every Borg object that gets in their way until they run out of ammo. Once that happens, tell them to ram whatever crosses their path!
The two no-names turn back to their consoles to follow out the orders.
Spot - All power to engines! Full speed ahead!
The camera watches as the USS Litterbox fires up its impulse engines and flies straight at the planet-ship. Numerous Romulan, Klingon, Cardassian, Sra’xa’diin, Breen, Dominion, Gorn, Tholian, Ferengi, Son’a, Orion Syndicate, Reman, Satarran, Lysian, and other vessels move alongside, firing everything they’ve got in a continuous burst at the planet-ship in front of them. On the bridge of the Enterprise, Admiral Nelix is shouting with glee. Lieutenant Tener, Lieutenant Sa’lol, Lieutenant Blavik, and Ensign Casey are also present, as are the Enterprise senior staff.
Nelix - Ha ha! Take that you lousy pond scum! Eat energy weaponry!
Picard - Admiral, might I suggest a bit less volume.
Nelix - What’s the matter, mirror-head? Too loud? Hey! Celestial assholes! Why are you here?
Tener - Because right now this ship is the safest place in the universe.
Nelix - Drat! You’re not as stupid as I thought. How about you go over to the USS Cream-puff?
Tener - How about you fuck off, Admiral.
Nelix - You’ll go far, Lieutenant, you’ll go far. Fire faster!
In space, the Borg planet-ship’s massive cube-hatch buckles under the assault and a hundred ships fly inside, some smashing against the side of the planet-ship because they can’t fly worth shit. Inside, the fleet is firing everything it has at the insides of the enormous square conduit. Fighter craft move in from adjoining conduits to intercept but are destroyed. On the Litterbox, Admiral Spot has a maniacal grin on her face.
Spot - Alright Borg, eat our kitty litter! Tell the fleet to disperse! Do as much damage as possible! Tell our security forces to open airlocks and fire hand phasers out them!
Ships veer off and plow through the streams of fighters and up the tubes they came from. The fighters are momentarily confused as to who to follow, giving the rest of the fleet enough time to blow up some more stuff.
Scene 19 - On the bridge of the Celestial, the three remaining officers are screaming as the ship careens towards an energy tapping station.
Senseless - Captain! Detonate the weapon!
Righteous - I don’t remember how!
Senseless - You idiot! Hang on!
SMASH! The Celestial crashes into the top of the massive energy tapping station and punches through the outer hull. Most of the hull gets ripped off as the ship slices through the duranium armour of the station. The command module shears off the stardrive section, leaving a big chunk of the command module behind. The stardrive jerks to a halt half-way into the hold, but the command section keeps flying through the cavernous interior of the Borg power plant. On the bridge, the power levels drop and the forcefields shut off. Thankfully, the station is filled with air so no one gets sucked out.
Senseless (over the roar of passing wind) - Toc! Get away from that console!
Baque - I have to level us out!
Before Senseless can argue further, the command module’s aft end strikes the bottom of the cavern. Both impulse engines are destroyed and fire and machinery spews out of the shattered remains of the red-hot heat exchangers at the back. A plasma feedback shockwave flies through the ship, blowing consoles on every deck until it finally reaches the bridge, where it is all released through the helm console (fuses, consider them! Seriously!). Lieutenant-Commander Baque is thrown across the bridge and strikes the back wall, nearly going over it and out of the ship. A sickening crack can be heard as his body slams into the bulkhead and he falls to the floor motionless, his neck at a weird angle. Before Righteous and Senseless can really notice, the front of the command module slams down on the floor of the cavern and the ship’s forward momentum is slowed enough for both officers to be thrown out of their seats and to the front of the bridge.
The half of the ship, still moving at a good pace, hits a raised section and the port bow prong is lifted up with enough force to rip it off. The rest of the ship flips up and rolls to starboard, pinning both officers to the floor as the huge section of broken hull that was once the port forward section, torn off all the way back to the secondary deflector, spins over their heads, mere metres above the rest of the ship. It strikes the ship just behind the bridge before rolling away, tearing open the hull and exposing a large portion of deck 3. The ship stops rolling and Righteous and Senseless are momentarily weightless as the ship falls back down, but are then slammed against the carpet as the ship levels out on the floor again. The ship finally slams into a giant pillar of metal which crumples up the starboard bow prong but stops the ship dead. Both officers are thrown forward and clear out of the front of the ship (it’s obvious the inertial dampeners went ka-put). They crash down on the hull just behind the remains of the mess hall. Righteous rolls to a stop after flopping around like a rag-doll for a bit, but Senseless is not so lucky and is thrown into a pile of protruding jagged metal bars. Righteous shakes his head and stands up.
Righteous - That was fun, but let’s not do it again. Jack?
He runs over to where Senseless is lying on top of the damaged section of hull, a pool of blood forming beneath him.
Righteous - Oh, Prophets! Are you okay?
Senseless (coughs up blood) - What does it look like?!?
Righteous - It’ll be okay, I’ll... um... get you a band-aid. It’s no worse than a splinter, right?
Senseless - Lee... it has been... an honour... kind of...
Senseless’s eyes roll up into his head and he stops breathing. Righteous says a prayer for his fallen crew as the camera pans up to look at the remains of the USS Celestial. The command module is obviously toast: The mess hall and bridge have been ripped open, as has a portion of every single deck where the hull failed. The starboard hull prong is crumpled up like a soda can, its internal structure having obviously failed and been driven back into the rest of the ship, piercing corridors, rooms, and machinery as it did so. The port hull prong lies several hundred metres behind the ship in a mangled heap of metal.
Far off in the distance, the black metal of the interior of the power station curves upward and out of sight, into the darkness. About half way up the visible part of the curve is a hole where a force field is holding back atmosphere. Sitting stuck in this hole is the Celestial’s stardrive section. Both nacelles have broken off and plasma is streaming from one of the pylons, but not much of it. Debris and atmosphere is venting out of numerous hull breaches, but light is still coming from the deflector dish and various windows. Righteous finally stops praying and looks up at the stardrive.
Righteous - Oh, you’re still there. Good half-ship! Stay!
He looks up the length of the pillar they had hit and realizes with awe that it is actually the axis of the station. Tubular spokes protrude from it, leading to the cylindrical surface far below. The Celestial lies at nearly the apex of the huge domed end of the station, having slid here somehow. (Rama comes to mind, but much bigger). Righteous walks around the mess hall and down the side of the ship. He hops down off the edge of deck 10 and falls only a few centimetres to the surface of the inside of the dome, deck 11 having obviously been flattened. Righteous pats the side of the ship with his hand.
Righteous - That’ll do, donkey, that’ll do... oh hey, I remember how to work the implant now!
Before he can do anything else, the sound of clunking metal can be heard. He looks over at the base of the axis and notices a large door has opened. Several huge metal objects which appear to have biological parts to them walk out towards him. Each is two stories tall, humanoid-ish, and tower over Righteous.
Righteous - Stop! Before you kill me, scan me. You’ll find an object emitting a subspace frequency. If it stops functioning, my ship will blow this whole thing to the Celestial Temple and back again!
The drones keep coming towards him.
Drone #1 - Negotiation is irrelevant. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. All you can eat buffet, now only $3.99!
Righteous - Only $3.99? That’s a good deal... I mean, wait! My ship is ready to do something with antimatter inversion thingies, or something like that! I don’t really understand it, but it will turn stuff into stuff that normal stuff doesn’t like, and big boom happens!
The drones stop.
Righteous - That’s better. Agree to my terms or I will detonate.
Suddenly, the voice of the Collective booms out of what seems like everywhere.
Collective - State your terms.
Righteous looks around but the only objects nearby are the three mega-drones and the wreck of the Celestial.
Righteous - I want you to call off your attack on the Milky Way and never invade any other galaxies.
Collective - Unacceptable. We seek to bring perfection to all beings, and to instill order on the universe. Allowing species to survive and continue to resist us will undermine that goal.
Righteous - By now you should know that I’m not kidding about blowing up your entire galaxy.
Collective - Activating your technology will eradicate us. Without our oversight the universe will fall into chaos.
Righteous - But chaos is what life is all about. It’s why the Prophets choose to create us all: To bring chaos to the universe. Without chaos, there can be no evolution.
Collective - Incorrect. We evolve through the acquisition of other species. These species would eventually have gone extinct. By assimilating them, we preserve their distinctiveness for all eternity.
Righteous - Ah, but what will happen when you’ve assimilated every race in the universe?
Collective - We will expand. An infinite number of other universes will be added to our distinctiveness.
Righteous - Why? Why do you do it? Why not stop, content with what you have? Why do you need to assimilate everything?!?
Collective - We are Borg.
Righteous - And you won’t stop, even though I’m about to destroy you all?
Collective - It is our purpose. Captain Righteous Lee, Bajoran, Species 11828, galaxy 477 of subcluster 072, you will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.
The three mega-drones start moving towards him again.
Righteous - Then you’ve left me no choice.
Collective - Get assimilated. All the cool kids are doing it.
Righteous - Before I die, I want to say one last thing: Pasta. That is all.
Righteous raises a finger to the side of his temple and closes his eyes. He presses hard against his temple and a subdermal implant starts blinking. The camera goes to the Celestial’s engine room, where beams and debris litter the three floors. In the centre, the warp core suddenly pulses to full power. Outside the ship, the main deflector lights up like a Christmas tree, getting brighter. The whole stardrive and surrounding metal starts vibrating as the bolts of lightning start shooting off the deflector and discharging into the surrounding Borg structure.
Suddenly, the main deflector dish lets loose with a blinding flash of light. The camera goes out far into space and watches as nearly half of the Omega star suddenly turns from blue-white to red-white. Every vortex instantly collapses, nanoseconds before the light from a blinding explosion vapourizes everything for a million kilometres. The camera zooms out to high above the galaxy itself.
Radiating outward from the core at unimaginable speeds, for over 300,000 lightyears in every direction, a subspace shockwave expands.
A hundred billion Dyson-sphere encrusted stars go supernova.
Scene 20 - In the Milky Way, onboard the Vorn flagship Vr’ischa, General Eshreen is helping a no-name weld some wires together on the damaged bridge. Suddenly, another no-name yells out.
No-Name #14 - General! The vortex just closed!
Everyone looks at the viewscreen, which is showing the planet-ship, with a massive chunk of it missing from where the vortex sliced it off.
Eshreen - They did it! Weapons officer! Divert all power to weapons! Give it everything you’ve got! Open fire!
Everyone on the bridge snaps out of the trance and mans their stations, smiles and grins abounding. Meanwhile, inside the planet-ship, Admiral Spot sits aboard the exploding USS Litterbox as it is chased by Borg fighter ships. Suddenly, the explosions stop.
Spot - What the heck?
No-Name #13 - Ma’am! All pursuing ships have been disabled! It almost looks as if they’ve lost power.
As the Litterbox turns a corner, the pursuing ships all slam into the wall and explode. Back on the bridge...
No-Name #13 - And that’s not all! I’m no longer picking up the tachyon signature of the vortex anywhere, and all power signatures on the planet-ship have ceased!
Everyone on the bridge starts cheering.
Spot - I can’t believe it! They did it! They really did it!!!
Suddenly, the ship shakes and everyone stops cheering.
Spot - What was that?
The camera zooms across the planet-ship to the bridge of the Enterprise, where everyone is likewise cheering, until a shaking stops them.
Nelix - What the fuck was that?
Sa’lol - Um. Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t Borg technology tend to self-destruct when it’s damaged beyond repair?
Nelix - I hate Borg. I really, really, hate, Borg.
Barclay - Borg? Borg!
Wham! He runs into a wall and knocks himself unconscious again.
Picard - Admiral, might I suggest we get the hell out of here!?!
Nelix - Jean-Luc, that’s the smartest thing you’ve suggested all day! All power to engines! Reverse course!
Back in space, on the Vr’ischa, General Eshreen watches a fireball erupt from the side of the planet-ship.
Eshreen - Um... helm? Don’t mean to be a bother, but could you please back us away?
No-Name #15 - Aye ma’am, getting us the fuck out of here.
The camera watches as hundreds of Alpha Quadrant ships fly out of the exploding planet-ship as the Vr’ischa desperately turns and tries to fly away. The Litterbox and Enterprise are two of the last to leave. Finally, with most of its outer hull blown away either by the attack or by the self-destruct system, the enormous Borg ship explodes violently, sending out a shockwave which destroys numerous ships which weren’t quick enough to get out. The Litterbox, Vr’ischa, and Enterprise are struck by the shockwave and tossed around like junebugs in an empty water bottle being kicked down the side of a mountain.
Spot - AHHHHHHH!!!!
Nelix - AHHHHHHHHHHH!
Eshreen - AHHHHHHHH!!!
All three ships collide and do extensive damage to each other. The Litterbox and Enterprise get the worst of it.
All across the galaxy, orbiting above thousands of worlds or in space en route to thousands of others, all the Borg assimilation ships explode.
Scene 21 - The camera pans by the Earth spacedock. Inside, dozens of damaged starships are being repaired. The camera goes to Spot’s office, where the damaged Litterbox can be seen out the window.
Spot - Chief of Defence Staff’s log, stardate 60390.4. The war with the exo-galactic Borg is over. We are victorious, but we paid for it. Can-openers on numerous ships are offline. We’ll be eating bagged cat-food for weeks. I don’t know how we’ll survive. The President ordered me to make do something stupid and nostalgic in honour of the Celestial’s sacrifice. You’d think having a thirty-foot tall statue of Captain Righteous erected on Bajor would be more than enough, but I guess not. So we are pushing one of the Celestial-class starships into service and I’ve given it to Admiral Nelix to assign a crew to. End log.
Spot lays down on her desk and smiles.
Spot - Spot’s personal log, same stardate. Righteous is dead. Most of his incompetent crew are dead. The Saratoga, Citadel, and half the stupid ships in the 9th fleet are gone. Since the Federation suffered the least damage in the battle, we’re currently the strongest power in the Alpha Quadrant. Go us! Peace for everyone! Unless they piss us off! But with the Celestial finally, finally destroyed... I can finally take a much deserved, and much needed vacation.
She lets out a sigh and closes her eyes and starts to purr.
The whole room vibrates and Admiral Spot jumps ten feet into the air and clings to the ceiling.
Spot - What the furry fucking hell was that?
She looks out her side window into the docking way and sees that a ship has just scraped against the space doors closest to her office. A Celestial class ship, the USS Solaris, NCC-80947. Captain Ketrell’s smiling face appears on the screen next to the window, the rest of his crew are in the background on a familiar-looking bridge.
Ketrell - Sorry ma’am, we’re still getting the hang of this new ship.
Spot’s eye twitches, then her cheek starts to twitch too, then the side of her mouth. Ketrell’s smile goes away.
Ketrell - We’ll get underway then.
He quickly closes the channel. The camera zooms out the window and flies away from the spacedock. The credits start to roll.
Spot - Damn it! God damn it!
The fat lady has sung.
The clowns have been sent in.
The butler did it, and the bell-boy got the girl.
Did you notice that this is starting to be an arrow?