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The Celestial Parodies: Appendix

Warning! This appendix contains many many spoilers for episodes up to and including Episode 36: “FUBARed”. If you don’t want to be spoiled, don’t read this page!

Main Characters

Captain Righteous Lee

Gender
Male
Age
Mid 40’s
Species
Bajoran
Position
Commanding Officer, USS Celestial

An ex-Vedek, Righteous got promoted up the chain of command mainly because all his superiors just wanted to get rid of him. He occasionally has brilliant moments, but mostly just acts like a complete moron. He has a poor memory, doesn’t usually realize what’s going on around him, and tends to put praying before the other things he is supposed to do. A lot of evidence is pointing to the notion that the Prophets are somehow partially guiding his life, which is fortunate since he is incapable of doing so himself.

Commander Jack Senseless

Gender
Male
Age
Early 40’s
Species
Human
Position
First Officer, USS Celestial

In contrast to his idiot CO, Senseless likes to follow Starfleet regulations to the letter, and generally thinks things through before jumping into anything. It’s been a long held belief that he’s on the verge of losing his mind due to stress, but so far seems fully capable of practically running the ship and dealing with the misfit crew he is forced to babysit every day.

Lieutenant Commander Nick Genocide

Gender
Male
Age
Mid 30’s
Species
Human
Position
Tactical Officer, USS Celestial

If it makes an explosion or is intended to kill people, he knows everything about it. Genocide is probably the only one on the ship who actually likes his job, which entails firing the ship’s weapons and occasionally leading tactical assault teams on away missions. He was originally also the Chief of Security on the ship but preferred the bridge job better so didn’t complain when that duty got shifted to someone else.

Lieutenant Commander Garell (formerly Greaser)

Gender
Female
Age
Mid 30’s
Species
Bolian
Position
Chief Engineer, USS Celestial

Her manners and interpersonal skills leave a lot to be desired, but she gets the job done...sort of. She helped build the original USS Celestial and knows more about the half-shot systems than anyone else on the ship. She has often been seen complaining about the prominence of humans on Starfleet ships and blames it all on racism or racial stereotyping. However, she admits she’s too lazy to actually do anything about it. Her name got changed half way through the series because the author got bored with it.

Doctor Vaughn Puker (Rank: Lieutenant Commander)

Gender
Male
Age
Late 40’s
Species
Human
Position
Chief Medical Officer, USS Celestial

His methods have been called a little... unorthodox, but he tries to save no-names even though everyone knows they just can’t be saved when injured. He is often off in his own little world and generally forgets important details such as exactly what or who he’s supposed to be operating on.

Lieutenant James Tener

Gender
Male
Age
Early 30’s
Species
Human
Position
Chief of Security, USS Celestial

Originally a NoName with a knack for getting splinters, he was promoted to “main character” when Genocide was temporarily put in the position of XO. After Senseless was found, he retained his rank and position because Genocide didn’t want to play with “little guns” anymore. He has some issues with dealing with stress and often jumps to conclusions which other people scoff at, but which generally turn out to be true.

Lieutenant Bios

Gender
Female (Are Bynars genderless? I thought I read somewhere that they were)
Age
Mid 30’s
Species
Bynar
Position
Science Officer, USS Celestial

Unlike most Bynars, Bios doesn’t have a synaptic processor linking her to the rest of her race. This is because she broke it, and its replacement. She likes to tinker with things, often before she fully understands how they work. This often leads to her breaking almost everything she touches, at least once.

Lieutenant Toc Baque

Gender
Male
Age
Mid 30’s
Species
Human
Position
Helmsman, USS Celestial

A bit of a renegade, he took the position on the Celestial to keep out of jail. Enemy ships have difficulty keeping up with his home-made manoeuvres, and he hates it when people try to tell him how to fly the ship. He’s an excellent piolet, his only flying shortcoming is that he scrapes the side of the Spacedock doors every time he flies the ship out, and he tends to easily get distracted and crash into things. Luckily, the Celestial was designed to survive ramming other ships.

Ensign Blavik (formerly Stoner)

Gender
Female
Age
Early 30’s (31 as of 2381)
Species
Vulcan
Position
Head Nurse, USS Celestial

Although quite young for a Vulcan, Blavik has proved herself essential to Dr. Puker’s medical team, mainly because her photographic memory sort of evens out his inability to remember anything important. She thus has to follow him around and attend briefings in order to keep him on track. As with Garell, the author decided too many names ended with “er” and changed hers early on in the series.

Ensign Bob Center

Gender
Male
Age
Late 20’s
Species
Human
Position
Operations Officer, USS Celestial

Probably the least popular person on the ship, he often goes unnoticed even though he tries his best to get on the Captain’s good side. His duties mainly include opening hailing frequencies, monitoring the sensors when Bios isn’t doing so, and being a pain in Baque and Genocide’s collective ass.

Recurring Characters

Captain Leon Farfetched

Gender
Male
Age
Unknown (late 40’s?)
Species
Human
Position
Commanding Officer, USS Saratoga

A recurring character on a recurring ship, Farfetched is loosly based on Red Foreman from “That 70’s Show", replacing the characteristic “dumbass” phrase with “jackass.” Little else is known about him, although he seems fairly competent by comparison with Righteous.

Commander Shelby

Gender
Female
Age
Early 40’s?
Species
Human
Position
First Officer, USS Saratoga

Little is known about her, except she seems calm and collected in comparison with Captain Farfetched’s barely contained anger towards many situations.

Lieutenant Commander Garsh

Gender
Male
Age
Unknown
Species
Andorian
Position
Tactical Officer, USS Saratoga

Again, little is known about him except that he likes to try to play practical jokes on the crew, one of which resulted in the Saratoga going into a mock battle with real weapons and nearly destroying the USS Citadel.

Lieutenant Scratcher

Gender
Male
Age
Unknown, assumed to be fairly young
Species
Human, maybe
Position
Operations Officer, USS Saratoga

A loud-mouthed typical military man, Lieutenant Scratcher is most often seen yelling much louder than one would require and throwing in too many “sir” or “ma’am” lines.

Captain Amy Castanea

Gender
Female
Age
Late 30’s, early 40’s (I honestly don’t care enough to make a decision)
Species
Human (non-Earth native)
Position
Commanding Officer, USS Citadel

Up until the 30th episode she was just the nameless captain of the USS Citadel. Nothing else is known about her.

Vice-Admiral Nelix

Gender
Male
Age
No-one knows
Species
Feline (cat)
Position
Commander, Ninth Fleet

Taking over command of the Ninth Fleet after Spot was promoted (again), Nelix is a complete hard-ass who hates practically everyone he meets, and vice versa. At one point he was working for the Orion Syndicate, but that seems to have changed and he has now become one of the “good guys” again. He was first seen inspecting the Celestial during their annual inspection in the second episode. He is the same cat that Lieutenant Regenold Barclay named after Voyager’s annoying Talaxian chef, Neelix.

Fleet Admiral Spot

Gender
Female
Age
Who knows, who cares?
Species
Feline
Position
Commander, Starfleet

Originally starting out as an ensign after being given a field promotion when the Enterprise-D was infected by super-weed, Spot, being the only truly competent one on the ship, quickly moved up the ranks until she was put in charge of the Ninth Fleet, which forced her to deal with the crew of the USS Celestial. Later, she was promoted to the highest rank one could achieve (through attrition, of course) and was placed in charge of all Starfleet operations inside the Federation. She currently makes her home on the Earth Spacedock and sometimes at Starfleet Headquarters in San Francisco, Earth. Originally, her universal translator could only interpret her words (meow, hiss, purr) after she said them but it gradually became better to the point where she is now understood in real-time. This is the same Spot who used to be Data’s cat.

Captain Spot, Jr.

Gender
Male
Age
11 (as of 2381)
Species
Feline
Position
Commanding Officer, USS Litterbox

One of the kittens Spot had in TNG’s “Genesis” which were never seen again, he, like practically every other cat in this twisted universe, is more competent than most other species and quickly became a captain of one of the largest ships in the Federation. Little else is known about him.

Chester

Gender
Male
Age
Unknown
Species
Feline
Position
Recurring bad guy, head of the Orion Syndicate

As recurring Bad Guy, Chester, who lived with a guy named Liam Bilby, until Miles O’Brien screwed Bilby over and stole his cat (okay, it didn’t exactly happen like that). Chester later somehow got away from O’Brien and became the head of the Orion Syndicate, severely upgrading it and making it a force that even the Federation had trouble quelling.

Binky the Mistreated Targ (temporarily designated Two of One)

Gender
Male
Age
Unknown, and kinda irrelevant
Species
Targ (briefly also Borg)
Position
Comic relief; sidekick of Logic Man; 2 of 1, last adjunct of unimatrix 01.

Binky was a targ from the Klingon homeworld who somehow escaped (actually there’s a story behind it but you don’t want to read it... it’s awful) from captivity and ended up being saturated with tachyon particles, which causes him to jump through time and space at random. He’s been beaten, nearly killed, assimilated, de-assimilated, squished, boiled, and generally mistreated.

Starships

USS Celestial (NCC-80164)

Class
No one really knows
Assignment
Originally Fourth Fleet, now Ninth Fleet

The class was originally called the Opaka class, but the Bajorans made a fuss about naming a warship after a woman of peace, and currently the ship has no “official” class. Only two such ships were ever built, since Starfleet decided that Sovereign-class ships were more worth their while. The first ship, originally called the USS Punisher and designed to be an anti-Breen warship, was destroyed a little over two years after launch in “questionable” circumstances. Some time later, the second ship finished construction and was christened with the name Celestial, in honour of the crew’s heroic actions saving the timeline from certain doom (that, and no other captain would want such a crappy ship).

USS Saratoga (NCC-31482)

Class
Galaxy
Assignment
Ninth Fleet

Probably a fairly old ship, the Saratoga took quite a beating early on in the series, but managed to get it all fixed eventually. There’s really nothing to say about it; it’s the same as any other Galaxy-class ship.

USS Citadel

Class
Excelsior
Assignment
Ninth Fleet

A fairly new Excelsior-class vessel, the Citadel was present as early as the pilot episode, but hadn’t been seen as much as the Saratoga. It was assumed destroyed until the 30th episode.

USS Litterbox

Class
Flourish
Assignment
Ninth Fleet

The only ship of its class, the massive USS Litterbox went from a “prototype heavy dreadnought” to the Federation’s flagship, after Picard whined about getting all the hard work. It serves as Admiral Spot’s personal ship when she needs it. It’s armed to the teeth and was supposedly constructed to counter the Dominion’s massive Jem’Hadar battleships (the ones that are 5 kilometres long).

USS Halfass

Class
Sabre
Assignment
Ninth Fleet

First seen after the original Celestial was destroyed in “questionable circumstances,” the Halfass served as the Celestial crew’s ship for some time until a second Celestial was finished. It was probably the worst ship ever constructed: It could only transport two people at a time, had a top speed of warp 7, and didn’t have any photon torpedoes. Eventually Genocide upgraded it with Romulan weapons from an alternate timeline, but the crew still cringe whenever they hear the word “Halfass.” It was again used in the Season 1/Season 2 finale/premier after the Celestial was placed under the command of someone else.

USS Borg Buster (NCC-666)

Class
No one really knows
Assignment
Ninth Fleet

The USS Borg Buster is an anti-Borg ship that is under the command of the idiot Captain Richard Shields, his insane first officer Commander Johnny Homicide, and an ensemble of others. The ship was the focus of a series with the same name, set during the same time frame and in the same “universe” as the USS Celestial, but it never really took off and only a few episodes were ever made.

This page was last modified on Saturday, November 03, 2012.