The Celestial Parodies: The Prequel Story
Written by Swordtail
Scene 1 - As credits roll. While everyone on DS9 is busy playing tongo, the wormhole opens for no reason and spits out an orb of the Prophets. It tumbles through space, eventually plunging through the atmosphere of a nearby planet. It bounces off a skyscraper, rolls down an inclined roof, ricochets around in a drain pipe and eventually hits a Bajoran man on the head. This man was Commander Righteous Lee, who is at this moment on an “extended shore leave.” Little does he know his life is about to change drastically...
Righteous - AHH! THE SKY IS FALLING!!!... Oh wait... Even better! An Orb of the Prophets!!
He picks it up.
Righteous - I wonder where the on switch is... oh there it is.
Righteous - Nope, that was for that land mine over there. Let’s try this one...
FLASH!! (Heart beats)
Homer Simpson Prophet - Doh! Why’d it have to be him?
Binky the Mistreated Targ Prophet - Because it could be no other...
Righteous - Yay! I’m important!
Sisko Prophet - You must re-enlist for Starfleet. Ask for your own command, get a ship and crew.
Righteous - I’ll get right on that, sir!
Homer Prophet - When you leave, you will not remember this meeting at all...
Righteous - You’re going to erase my memory?
Binky Targ - No, you’re just too stupid to remember anything past two minutes...
Righteous - Woah.
The orb vaporizes in his hands.
Righteous - AHH! THE SKY IS FALLING!!! No, that’s not what I’m supposed to remember... Oh yeah! Starfleet, back I come.
Scene 2 - Utopia Planitia Shipyards. Camera pans around an unfinished, large, odd-looking vessel. It looks like an elongated Sovereign with a two-pronged diamond-shaped saucer section. A shuttle docks with the shipyard’s command centre.
Admiral Ross waits next to the airlock.
Ross - It’s about time that replacement work person arrived.
The door opens and Commander Righteous steps out.
Righteous - Hello, Admiral!!
Ross - AH, DAMMIT!! Not you again!!
Righteous - The Prophets told me to get a ship and crew... even though I’m not supposed to remember that, but let’s not be nitpicking on continuity today.
Ross - Oh no, no way in HELL you’re getting a ship of your own!
Righteous - Sir, you might want to reconsider–
Ross - Nothing you do or say short of a very large bribe will make me change my mind.
Just then a no-name runs up to Admiral Ross.
No-Name #1 - Sir! We just got a priority one message from Bajor! They say we can’t use the wormhole anymore unless we make Righteous a captain.
Ross - Who didn’t see that coming a mile away? Fine, fine. Righteous, you can have the USS Punisher here. It’s almost done, but Starfleet command cut the budget again so we can’t finish it unless we have a certain crew for it. Something about another anti-Borg ship being constructed at Telsa Prime... Anyway, you’re on you own.
Ross walks into the shuttle and lays metal as he high tails it out of there at warp 5.
Righteous - So now all I have to do is get myself a crew. Funny how the Admiral was so short with me... wonder why that was?
No-Name #1 - Well, I think you’d make an excellent captain and I’d be honoured to serve under you, sir.
Righteous - Well, maybe that can be arranged. What are you good at?
No-Name #1 - Absolutely nothing, sir.
Righteous - Well, how about a position at Ops? I hear that job requires you to have a little experience in nothing... .or is it a little experience in everything... oh well, we’ll fuss over details later. By the way, what’s you name anyway? Your name tag only says “Everyday Expendable No-Name #1.”
No-Name #1 - Ensign Bob Center.
Righteous - Well Mr. Center, welcome to my crew.
Center - Thank you, sir.
Righteous - Is there anyone else on this station besides you and Admiral Ross?
Center - Um... well, there’s a few No-Names, and of course there’s also–
Unknown - WHO THE F*** STOLE MY HYPOSPANNER FROM THE GARBAGE DEPOT!!!???!!!
Center - ...Lieutenant Greaser.
An angry Bolian woman walks up to them kicking a dead no-name along the floor.
Greaser - Who the hell are you?
Righteous - Commander Righteous Lee. What are you doing here?
Greaser - I’m the person whose in charge of building this pile of crap they call a starship.
Righteous - So you’re an engineer?
Greaser - Spare me the small talk and get to the point.
Righteous - How would you like to be my chief engineer?
Greaser - Beats this hell hole. Did you know they only pay you once a week here? How am I supposed to live on 100 bars of Latinum a week!?! So when do I leave?
Righteous - That depends. When will the Punisher be ready.
Greaser stands still for a moment, then doubles over laughing.
Greaser - OH THAT’S A GOOD ONE!!! WHOO HOO!! OH MY GOD!!!
Righteous - What’s so funny? I think it will make good ship.
Greaser stops laughing and turns a ghostly white.
Greaser - You can’t be serious. I wouldn’t trust this ship as far as I can throw it, and it weighs several million metric tonnes.
Righteous - I’m dead serious.
Greaser - Yeah, you’ll be dead alright.
Center - Lieutenant, I’m sure you can have the ship in perfect working order by the time the Commander here is ready to use it.
Righteous - Yeah what he said.
Greaser - THAT’S MA’AM TO YOU, ENSIGN.
She trumps off down the corridor and heads back to the ship.
Righteous - Ensign, prep a shuttle for launch. We’re going to need a first officer, and I think I know just where to find one...
Scene 3 - A runabout lands on an asteroid in the outer regions of Earth’s solar system. Righteous, Center, and a No-Name run out into the vacuum of the asteroid’s atmosphere. They all sprint to the nearest airlock and enter the Starfleet facility on the rock.
Inside they are all gasping for breath and giving time for some non-liquified blood to return to their faces. They are approached by a Lieutenant-Commander guy.
No-Name #2 - Why didn’t you use the docking station? Or why didn’t you just beam down?
Righteous - I’m sure there’s a logical explanation. Here’s what I think happened:...
No-Name #2 - Well?
Righteous - Never mind that. We’re here to see your commanding officer.
No-Name - You must mean Commander Jack Senseless. Right this way.
The No-Name leads them down a corridor lined with barred doors. Through the doors occasionally hear screams and mumbling.
Center - Where exactly are we?
No-Name #3 - A Federation insane asylum.
Righteous - I asked for asylum once but I ended up on Earth. What a bummer that was.
They stop at a door. No-Name #2 opens it. Inside is a Starfleet commander asking a crazy guy some questions.
Senseless - Why do you keep losing your shoes?
Crazy No-Name - I LIKE BISCUITS!!!
No-Name #2 - Sir, there’s someone here to see you.
Senseless leaves the room and faces Righteous.
Senseless - Who are you?
Righteous - Commander Righteous Lee. How would you like to be my first officer?
No-Name #2 - It would mean you could get out of this job, sir. You’re always saying how much you hate it.
Senseless looks at Righteous, then at the crazy guy, then at Righteous who is playing with his combadge, then at the crazy guy who is standing there shaking, then at Righteous who is now trying to eat his combadge, then at the crazy guy who is still standing there shaking, then back at Righteous who is choking on his combadge, then at Center who is giving Righteous the heimlick manoeuver, then at No-Name #2 who has died for no reason other than that fact he is no longer needed, then at No-Name #3 who has also died for no apparent reason, then at the crazy guy, who has also died from laughing at Righteous.
Senseless - I’m probably going to regret this later, but since everyone around here has died for no apparent reason, I guess I’ll take you up on your offer.
Righteous - (gag) Excellent (cough)! Be at Utopia Planitia in a week!
After Righteous finally manages to swallow his combadge, he and Center run back out the airlock and make a dash for the runabout.
Senseless - Damn it, I hate prequels.
Scene 4 - Runabout again. Righteous has just returned from the bathroom, his combadge now neatly fastened to his tunic again.
Center - Where to now, sir?
Righteous - Earth. I think we need a helmsman.
Center - Do you know of any good ones?
Righteous - Nope, but I’m sure we’ll find a good one at an air show.
The runabout lands at an air show, right on top of one of the antique F-18’s. The two officers get out and join the masses in watching the daredevil pilots.
Announcer - AND NOW, IN A MORONICALLY PATHETIC TYPE ONE SHUTTLECRAFT, FORMER LIEUTENANT TOC BAQUE WILL BE FLYING LIKE NO ONE HAS BEEN STUPID ENOUGH TO FLY BEFORE.
A shuttle flies dangerously close to the surface of the runway (which shouldn’t even be there considering everything these days can hover like there’s no tomorrow) and does some crazy stunts, tearing the shuttle apart as they are executed. He finally crashes into some trees and gets out, perfectly alright.
Righteous - Now there’s a guy who can crash and be alright. Everyone knows that the only possible explanation is that the Prophets saved him. This must mean he is to be my new helmsman.
Center - Ummm... ... Sure sir, if you say so.
Righteous - I’ll have to recruit him immediately, before another captain snatches him up.
As the crowd thins they meet up with Baque and his “escort” of armed security guards.
Righteous - Wait! I have a proposition to make!
Baque - Shoot.
Bzzzzzt!! One of the No-Names vaporizes another No-Name.
Baque - Not you, idiots! I was talking to that guy!
Righteous takes out a phaser and kills another No-Name.
Baque - Just ask the damn question.
Righteous - Okay. Are you free next Wednesday night?
Baque and the two remaining security guards who were handcuffing him stop and look blankly at Righteous.
Righteous - ‘Cause if you’re free, I’d like you to be my ship’s driver, if you know what I mean.
They continue to stare at him.
No-Name #4 - JESUS CHRIST!
Center - He’s got a new ship and he needs a helmsman, you twits!
Baque - ... I’ll give it some thought.
Righteous - Utopia Planitia, 1800 hours, don’t be late.
Righteous and Center go back to their runabout and take off, leaving Baque and his parole officers standing there stunned.
Baque - Did that just happen?
Scene 5 - Meanwhile, on Sirus...
The quiet tranquil smuggler’s atmosphere is interrupted by an antimatter explosion coming from a building next to a power plant. The explosion is so large that it knocks out the entire planetary power grid and plunges billions of unsuspecting criminals into darkness.
So, a little while later, at the Big Fancy Place Where Political Stuff Happens, or the BFPWPSH as they tend to call it, a fat important looking bald guy in his fifties approaches a workstation where a Bynar female is tapping away at the console.
Pause for dramatic effect...
Fat Guy - BIIIII--OSSSSS!!!
Bios - What!! I didn’t do it! Okay, I probably did, but I’ll fix it!
Fat Guy - This time you’ve gone way to far!! Your little stunt just killed ten million people and destroyed the power grid!
Bios - I didn’t do that! I was reconfiguring the water distribution network again when it happened!
Fat Guy - Look, I don’t care about your poorly-thought-up excuses. I have to go be on Star Trek in a few weeks!
Bios - So?!? I didn’t do anything! And what the hell is Star Trek?
Fat Guy - There’s never been a fat guy in Star Trek since O’Brien, so the idiots running the place say I have to go on their new diet plan!
Bios - DIET PLAN!?! WE’RE TALKING ABOUT MY CAREER HERE!!!
Fat Guy - They’re putting me on the “Stop Eating you Fat Bastard” plan. It means I can’t eat junk food or any more than 3 meals a day and no snacks!!! I’m going to die!! So I’ve decided to take my anger out on you since I can probably nail you for something.
Bios - I’m telling you I didn’t blow up that armoury!!!
Fat Guy - I believe you, Lieutenant, I believe you... —YOU’RE FIRED!!! AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HACK HACK AH CHOO COUGH GAG...
Bios - Oh fine then! And you really need to go on that diet, you fat bastard.
Several seconds later Lieutenant Bios is on a shuttle heading away from the planet, when she spots something in the sensor window...
Bios - Wtf mite... why is there a Breen fleet here? This is Federation space and they’re supposed to stay out of it, in accordance to the “HAHA Stupid Dominion You Lost and We Won you Pathetic Losers We Hope You All Rot In Hell” peace treaty of 2376.
She watches in amusement as the Breen begin to systematically eradicate every city and town on the planet.
Bios - HAH!! Whose got the last laugh now, ya fat bastard!!!
Just then a temporal portal opens and a Future Lieutenant Bios steps out.
Future Bios - Yeah, well you’re about to meet a guy named Righteous. I’m not going to tell you anything that will f%$# up the time line, but let’s just say you won’t exactly get the last laugh.
She magically disappears in a cloud of smoke because UPN was too cheap to spend any extra money on the FX department.
Bios - Where to now... let’s try Utopia Planitia. I’m sure there’s something there to do.
Scene 6: Senseless is at Jupiter Station trying to rent a shuttlepod to transport him to Mars.
Salesman - ... And this one here has dual airbags, front and rear maneuvering thrusters, and a ten-mile warranty.
Senseless - I don’t want to buy one, I just need to rent one. The sign on your door says you rent here.
Salesman - Could I interest you in a Mark III Klingon shuttlecraft? Very fast, very deadly. And at this price you could easily wipe out your enemies and still have enough money left over to bribe the police.
Senseless - I don’t give a rat’s ass! I want to rent a Type I shuttlepod for ten bars of gold pressed latinum! Not buy some completely useless pile of crap!
Salesman - How about this 2379 Tramway? Capable of warp 4.6, type three phasers, microtorpedos, rocking suspension–
Senseless - I’m not buying some overpriced crappy vehicle that will barely make it out the airlock before–
Salesman - And made in Japan.
Senseless - I’ll take it.
Scene 7 - Earth. Somewhere in Germany, a doctor and his Vulcan assistant are in an operating theatre preparing to operate on a patient.
Announcer - And next, Doctor Von Puker, a recognized genius with the scalpel, will be showing us how to save this otherwise screwed no-name, unlike the last idiot, Doctor Beverly Crusher, who showed us what not to do.
Puker - Nurse Stoner, other guy who’s here for no reason, tonight we’ll be performing a triple coronary bypass while simultaneously removing a cancerous tumour from his cerebellum and cycling his blood through a dialysis machine.
Stoner - But you’ve never done that before. In fact I don’t believe anyone has. It wouldn’t be logical.
Puker - Not a problem. I saw how to make this work on a medical training movie once.
Puker reaches over to the medical tray on a push table and presses a big red button labelled “Easy.”
And nothing happens, while Puker goes and grabs a cup of steaming hot coffee and a donut.
Stoner - Doctor! The patient is still screwed!
Puker - Hmmmm... That should have made this procedure really easy. Guess we’ll have to do things the hard way.
Puker - Set respirator to on! Set suction to powerful! Set heart monitor to online! Set coffee to decaf! Set orchestra to dramatic! And... ENGAGE!!
Puker grabs two scalpels off the table and starts stabbing the patient in the arm. He then tears open the patient’s chest with the blunt end of a pair of scissors and rips out his kidneys.
Stoner - AHH!! He’s going into cardiac arrest!
Puker - We’ll get him a good lawyer, assuming he survives this operation! Get me a cortical simulator!
Stoner - Set for twenty gigajoules, Doctor!
Puker - Clear!
The explosion blows blood everywhere.
Puker - It’s not working! Again!
More blood all over the walls.
Puker - We’re losing him! Time to do something original and unorthodox!
He pours his coffee all over the patients digestive tract.
Stoner - His heart has stopped. I’ll go replicate an artificial one.
Puker - No time! We’ll have to make due with what we have on hand.
Puker pulls out the patient’s heart and replaces it with his half eaten donut.
Stoner - DOCTOR!!! HIS HEART HASN’T STARTED UP AGAIN!
Puker - 900 cc’s of benepropalin!
Stoner - No effect!
Puker - 500,000,000,000 cc’s of alcohol!
Stoner - Still no pulse!
Puker - Damn it I’m not losing another one!
Puker goes back to stabbing the patient with the scalpels.
Stoner - Doctor, I think he’s dead... we have to let him go...
Puker - AHHHH!!!! IT NEVER GETS ANY EASIER! DAMN IT!!! GOD DAMN IT!!...
Puker - So who’s up for Mexican?
Stoner - Me!
They leave the room, which is now covered in blood and misplaced organs and lots of coffee.
Announcer - ...And Von Puker has once again proven the age old scientific law, that injured no-names just can’t be saved.
On the way out of the building, Puker and Stoner are stopped by Commander Righteous and Ensign Center.
Puker - Who are you?
Righteous - Do you believe in destiny?
Stoner - No. Illogical.
Puker - No. Expensive.
Righteous - Well, like it or not, the Prophets have brought us together for a higher calling. You are destined to join me on my ship as we explore the galaxy and do the Prophet’s bidding.
Puker - I don’t know... Hey Ensign Stoner, what are your plans for the next seven years?
Stoner - I’m free except for Friday, the 10th of March five years from now.
Center - I’m sure we can work it around our time table.
Righteous - So it’s a yes? You’ll join me? Please?
Puker - Sure. Nothing better to do I guess.
Righteous - That’s the spirit! See you there!
He taps his combadge.
Righteous - Righteous to Unnamed Runabout, two to beam up.
Puker - Ah oh.
Stoner - What?
Puker - It just occurred to me that we forgot to ask where and when we’re supposed to be on this ship thingy.
Stoner - That is an illogical predicament. Why don’t I tell you a story about what Surak would do in a situation like this.
Puker - Here we go again...
Scene 8 - Back on the runabout. The ship is on autopilot... or at least that’s what Center is telling Righteous. Actually it’s not, he just wants to put his feet up on the console and pretend he knows what he’s doing.
Righteous - I never thought finding a crew would be so easy.
Center - All we need now is a security officer and a science officer.
Righteous - How long till we reach the shipyard?
Center takes a telescope out of his pocket and looks out the front window.
Center - Another twenty minutes I’d say.
All of a sudden the ship starts to shake.
Righteous - I’m no expert on spatial mechanics, but since there’s no air or ground in space, how come we’re feeling shaking?
A Galaxy-class starship flies right over the runabout at full impulse, clearing the tiny ship by about three metres.
Center - It’s a subspace shockwave created by the warp field of that ship.
Righteous - Spare me the technobabble and hail them.
Center - ... They say they’re too busy right now, sir.
Righteous - Well, it was very rude of them to do that. We almost got hit! Why, I know the Prophets wouldn’t have permitted any damage to myself, but it was totally against protocol.
Then out of nowhere a shuttlecraft rams into the runabout, breaking through the front window and jamming itself in the breach, sealing it. The impact throws Center back against his chair and tosses Righteous across the cabin where he bangs his head on the back wall.
Righteous - DAMN IT!!! PROPHETS DAMN IT!!!
They look up at the shuttle, whose window is also broken and see a Bynar rubbing a bump on her head.
Bios - What the hell? How did I just cross 500 lightyears in less than a second?
Righteous - Who are you? Where do you come from? And WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION, NUMB NUTS?
Bios - Lieutenant Bios. I used to work on Sirus. And I don’t have a malfunction... today anyway.
Center - Sirus is a Federation world? Does Sirus even exist?
Bios - Well if it ever did, it doesn’t anymore.
Righteous - Why did you do there?
Bios - I was the planet’s Chief of Computer Sciences.
Center - So that makes you a scientist.
Bios - Well, in the field of computers anyway. I don’t know about other fields of study, but–
Righteous - Good enough. How would you like to be the Science Officer aboard my ship?
Bios - How much does it pay?
Center - ...Um... Lots!
Bios - Sounds like a plan. Where do I go?
Righteous - Utopia Planitia, to a vessel named the USS Punisher.
Bios - Ok. Oh by the way, what’s your name?
Righteous - Commander Righteous Lee
Bios - AH DAMN IT!
Center - Problem?
Bios - No, not yet.
Righteous - Good. You can go help Lieutenant Greaser with the building of the ship.
Bios - Yes sir.
Bios puts her shuttle in reverse and pulls backward, dragging the runabout with her.
Bios - Okay, let’s rethink this one...
Scene 9 - A Starfleet-controlled munitions range on Mars. A bunch of officers and crewmen are getting ready to practice their shots.
No-Name #5 - Hey, Genocide. What illegal thing did you bring here today?
Lieutenant-Commander Genocide - Just cause you wusses are too scared to use real guns doesn’t make anything I bring illegal.
He says as he finishes handing out shot glasses filled with Romulan Ale.
No-Name #6 - So what weapons did you bring?
Genocide - A little something that will guarantee me to win today’s shooting match.
Some of the No-Names in the back are practicing their shots on each other with phasers set on low stun.
Genocide - Hey this looks like fun.
He whips out a phaser and accidentally hits the trigger as he swings it around, killing half the people in the room.
Genocide - I’d hate to be the one cleaning all this up.
Later a bunch of the group is out at the range getting ready to fire.
Range Officer - ... At your own time,... FIRE!
They start phasering target boards that are popping up in the field. Genocide just looks on in amusement.
No-Name #5 - Aren’t you going to shoot?
Genocide - Okay.
He leaves the room and goes out into the parking lot, leaving the No-Names with puzzled expressions on their faces. Genocide opens the back of his hovercar and takes out a very large bag that has an anti-grav unit attached to it. He brings it back to the range.
Genocide - Found this baby on eBay.
He opens the bag and pulls out a massive pulse phaser cannon that looks like it was from a battleship. He turns on the attached Energizer battery and aims at the field.
Genocide - ... Let the games commence.
The explosion destroys the entire field, the parking lot, the range building, and most of the neighbouring town. Somehow Genocide is the only one that survived.
Genocide - Hmm... Good thing I didn’t set it on full power..
BZZZTTTTT!!! All of a sudden he is transported away.
Scene 10 - Runabout. It is now docked at the shipyard where the Punisher is being built. Somehow Greaser has managed to make the No-Names work ten times as hard as they possibly can and the ship is now almost space-worthy.
Righteous - Well that button wasn’t the right one.
Center - I think that was connected to the transporters, sir.
Righteous - How do you open this damn door.
Genocide - Allow me.
Righteous and Center turn around and see a human with a lot of guns standing on the transporter pad.
Genocide - Lieutenant-Commander Genocide, at your service.
Center - Where did you come from?
Genocide - A munitions range down on Mars. Where am I now?
Righteous - Utopia Planitia. The USS Punisher’s scaffolding. Now you said you could open this damn door? Ever since we hit Lieutenant Bios it hasn’t worked.
Genocide - Okay, sure. Stand back.
Genocide whips out a compression phaser rifle and blows the door and most of the adjoining corridor to pieces.
Center - Well, that worked well.
Genocide - Didn’t it? Here you go.
Righteous - Hmm... I wonder... Hey, Commander, how much do you know about weapons?
Genocide - Dude, weapons are my life.
Righteous - Good, you’re my new tactical officer.
Genocide - Oh, SCORE!!!
Righteous - Glad you all agree. As soon as Lieutenant Greaser gets done building the briefing room, I want to see all of you there before we launch.
Center - Sir, when do we launch?
Admiral Ross - In four hours.
Righteous - You know, it’s always polite to enter the scene before you start talking.
Admiral Ross rounds the corner and enters the airlock room... er... what’s left of it.
Admiral Ross - Because, as of ten minutes ago, the Federation is now at war with the Breen Confederacy.
(Insert dramatic music here)
Scene 11 - USS Punisher bridge. Commander Senseless walks on in his brand spanking new uniform and looks around. The semicircular helm station sits positioned in front of the view screen. The captain, commander, and guest’s chairs sit on a raised platform. Behind them is a console that runs along a railing. This console is multipurpose. Behind that is the Master Systems Display panel. To the right and left of this are two turbolifts. The ops console is next to this on the left side of the bridge, and the tactical console is on the left... Ah, what the hell. It looks exactly like the bridge from an Intrepid-class ship but bigger and with a few extra chairs.
A No-Name is shining a registration plaque. Another plaque sits next to him on the floor.
Senseless - What are you doing?
No-Name #6 - Replacing the ship’s dedication plaque like the captain asked me to, sir.
Senseless - He’s not a captain yet.
No-Name #6 - Yes he is. Admiral Ross just promoted him a few minutes ago, reluctantly I might add.
Senseless (thinking to himself) - ...only 20 years until retirement, only 20 years until retirement...
No-Name #6 - Can I go now?
Senseless - Fine.
Senseless walks over to the plaque and starts reading it as the No-Name leaves.
Senseless - April 25, 2379 something. Man, this is hard to read... “Only fight for what, in the long run, is worth keeping around?” What the hell?... USS Celestial - Fourth Fleet!?! Who renamed the ship!?!
No-Name #6 - Captain Righteous thought the ship’s name wasn’t religious enough.
Senseless - Doesn’t he know anything? Religion and military don’t mix!
Before No-Name #6 can reply the turbolift door opens and Lieutenant Greaser comes storming out.
Greaser - You’re in my way, crewman!
The No-Name scrambles to get out of the way but not before he is shot by a revolver that Greaser had in her hand.
Senseless - Was that truly necessary?
Greaser - Yes. Now, you’ll be happy to know that the ship is now space-worthy.
Senseless - Great. How did you cram a week’s worth of work into 3 hours?
Greaser - You’d be surprised what a little motivation can make people do...
Meanwhile, in Main Engineering...
Several engineers are scared s**tless as they look at a scratched console.
No-Name #7 - Ma’am is going to be pissed!!!
No-Name #8 - ... Soooo... Who takes the blame this time?
No-Name #9 - I will, I was planning on committing suicide because of financial trouble anyway.
Back on the bridge.
Greaser - I can’t give you any guarantees about the strength or reliability of this ship, but I can say one thing for it: She can certainly move when she wants to.
Senseless - How fast?
Greaser - Fastest in the fleet. The shape of the ship combined with the new and improved warp core practically doubles its top speed. It can travel at approximately warp 9.99976... past that it goes plaid.
Senseless - Good work, Lieutenant.
Greaser - Thank you sir. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go babysit those incompetent idiots that are my engineering staff.
Greaser leaves and Senseless goes to his new chair and looks through the database for a good wine to use to christen the ship with.
Scene 12 - Mess hall. Baque, Center, and Greaser are present... all drinking a ton of alcohol and making a big scene in front of the junior officers.
Greaser - SO THEN I TOLD HIM I WAS GOING TO GO BACK TO WORK!!! HE THINKS I’M IN ENGINEERING!!!
Baque - I HEAR YA!! I’M SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE HOLODECK LEARNING HOW TO FLY THE SHIP!!!
Center - Well, maybe you two should be doing what you’re supposed to, instead of getting yourselves in trouble.
Baque - Give it a rest! That stupid captain of ours is probably off praying to the Prophets or something when he’s supposed to be doing work too.
Greaser - Yeah besides, a little beer never hurt anyone...
Meanwhile, in sickbay...
Dr. Puker is piss drunk and trying to stand up straight as he performs a lung transplant on a high-ranking VIP that came to see the ship launched.
Baque - So as I was saying, Commander Senseless is the most naive person I’ve ever seen–
Center - You be nice to the X.O.
Baque - F*** you!
Center - NO! GO TO HELL!!
Baque - YEAH, WELL, YOU’RE MOMMA’S SO FAT, SHE HAS TO HANG HER DRESSES OVER A SHIPYARD!!!
Center - ONLY ONCE DID SHE HAVE TO DO THAT, THEN SHE WENT ON A DIET, ASS HOLE!!
Baque - THAT’S NOT WHAT CHEKOV TELLS ME!!!
Center - You’re cruising for a bruising, mister! Cruising at Warp 9!
Baque - WOW GUYS! HE CAN COUNT HIGHER THAN EIGHT NOW!!!
Center - Shut your f***ing face, Uncle F***er!!
Baque - THAT’S IT!!!
Baque grabs the edge of the table and smashes it in Center’s face. Center gets up and the two of them start humming the fight theme music from the original series while they beat the crap out of each other.
Greaser and No-Names - FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!!!
Kick, punch, knee, neut, smash, splat, blatant advertising, odd sounds, crack, foom, bang, S*IT, gah, ow, clunk, (Doors opening), (Phaser powering up). BZZZZZZZZZZT!!!
Lieutenant-Commander Genocide enters the room, set his phaser rifle on wide beam and full power and kills all the no-names in the room. The three senior officers survive, of course. Righteous enters the room right after Genocide, followed closely by Stoner, Bios, Senseless, and a still drunk Puker.
Righteous - FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT,... oh.
Senseless - Genocide!! I said stop the fight!!! NOT SHOOT THE CREW!!!
Genocide - But I achieved the same result.
Stoner - I fail to see the logic in fighting.
Genocide - Yeah, well, just wait ‘till your next Pon farr and we’ll see who thinks fighting is illogical.
Puker - Well, as I always say— (vomits on the carpet)
Senseless - We don’t have time for this. Starfleet wants us to go to Sirus and engage the Breen ships there.
Righteous - But the Prophets want us to go to hell. They told me so. Hey, Lieutenant Bios, can you help me find Hell on the star charts. I can’t seem to locate it.
Bios (rolling her eyes) - I’ll get right on that, sir... as soon as I finish rebuilding the main computer.
Greaser - I’m not even going to ask.
Center - Can we launch now?
Baque - Yeah, I’m bored.
Senseless - Don’t forget you two were just caught fighting.
Genocide - NO TIME!!! TO BATTLE!!! YAAAAAAA!!!!!
Righteous - Yeah, I’m bored too. Let’s go risk our lives or something.
Senseless - Fine, fine, we’ll launch three minutes ahead of schedule... can’t hurt can it?
Scene 13 - Outside the ship a maintenance pod is painting the hull.
Maintenance Man - Pod #4 to Ops, hull sector four is almost complete. I should be done in four minutes.
Ops - Roger that, Pod #4. Continue on task, and God speed.
Scene 14 - Bridge of the Celestial. Righteous, Senseless, Bios, Center, Baque, and Genocide are present.
Righteous - Helm boy, take up out, warp 9.
Senseless - Woah, woah, woah. You can’t just get up and go. There’s a standard procedure–
Righteous - Fine. Make that one-quarter impulse.
Senseless - No, no. Here let me do it. Ops, release docking clamps. Engineering, bring impulse engines and deflector dish online. Science, activate lateral sensor array. Helm, uplink with Station Ops to get–
Baque decides to listen to the captain’s orders instead and engages the impulse engines as soon as Greaser powers them up.
Senseless - HEY!!! STOP!!! YOU CAN’T DO THAT!!!—
On board the maintenance pod...
Maintenance Man - What the? AH FUC–!!
CRASH!!! BOOM!!! TINKLE!!!
Baque - Oops...
Senseless - All stop!
Righteous - NO TIME!!! Set course for Sirius as soon as we clear the station!
Baque only hears the first part of that and changes course, aiming the nose of the Celestial straight at the side of the shipyard. Then he engages the warp engines.
The shipyard is destroyed in a ball of fire. The Celestial was protected by her deflector array and sustained minimal damage.
Genocide - Didn’t see that coming.
Senseless is sitting in his chair rubbing his forehead.
Senseless - I did.
Righteous - ETA?
Baque - Later.
Righteous - Good. I’ll be in my quarters praying for forgiveness.
Scene 15 - The bridge of a Breen flagship.
Breen #1 - asduti onaset inuawet (Get an identity on that ship coming into sensor range!)
Breen #2 - asdiawe iastiau ws (It is a single large Federation ship. It stands no chance.)
Breen #1 - Good. All ships, battle stations!
Scene 16 - The battle has begun and the Celestial has already taken heavy damage. This is in part due to the fact Genocide was too busy blasting enemies to raise the shields.
Senseless - Mr. Baque, evasive pattern Delta 1. Tactical, target the lead ship’s weapons array.
Genocide - Their weapons are offline.
Senseless - Pick a new target Commander.
Greaser - Engineering to Bridge.
Righteous - Bridge here.
Greaser - Main power is fluctuating. I need to take power from life support if we’re going to keep the shields up.
Behind Righteous a console explodes and sends a No-Name flying across the bridge.
Righteous - By all means.
Camera is in Engineering...
Greaser - You! Monitor that field stabilizer! You there! Keep an eye on the deflector matrix! You and you! Get that hull breach sealed! Yes I’m talking to you! No, I don’t care if you’re bleeding internally, just get the damn job done!
The No-Name she was talking to is disintegrated as a wall panel detonates next to him.
Greaser - Great. Something else to fix.
No-Name #10 - Sir, we’re venting plasma from the starboard nacelle!
Bzzzzt!! Genocide shoots No-Name #10.
No-Name #11 - Sir, primary deflector is offline!
Bzzzt! Genocide phasers No-Name #11.
No-Name #12 - Sir! Sonic showers are kaput!
No-Name #13 - Sir–
No-Name #13 just explodes for no reason just because he is an unlucky number and stood no chance in life.
Senseless - Sir, I suggest retreat.
Righteous - Good idea. Why didn’t I think of that.
Baque (under his breath) - Cause you’re an idiot?
Righteous - Lieutenant Baque, set a course for the nearest Starbase. Warp 7.
Baque - Can’t. Warp drive is offline.
Righteous - Well, the important thing is that we tried. Now all we do is surrender and pray we aren’t tortured for information.
Bios - I don’t think that will be necessary. I’m detecting three Federation starships heading this way at high warp speeds.
The three ships drop out of warp and begin to fight the Breen.
Center - Sir, we’re being hailed.
Righteous - On screen.
Beep! The view screen changes from showing wreckage to showing an orange cat sitting in a chair on a very small bridge. The cat is surrounded by more cats, all of them wearing Starfleet uniforms.
Righteous - Oooh, a kitty!
Cat - Meow purr hiss meow (This is Captain Spot of the USS Litterbox. We’re here to save your sorry asses. Us along with the USS Saratoga and the USS Asskicker.)
Righteous - Nice to meet you, but we’ve got everything under control.
He says as No-Names run around the bridge putting out fires and lifting the ceiling beams off their dead comrades.
Spot - Too bad. Against my better judgement I’ve decided to obey Starfleet Command’s order to help you. So let’s get to work Litterbox out.
The four Opaka (Celestial), Galaxy (Saratoga), Flourish (Litterbox), and Sovereign (Asskicker) Class ships make quick work of the Breen armada and manage to do it without “accidentally” inflicting too much damage on the crippled Celestial.
Scene 17 - The Celestial is being towed home by the USS Litterbox. On the Celestial’s bridge the senior staff are helping to repair things. The crew are a little beaten up and Senseless has a bad bruise on his forehead from where he banged it off the railing.
Center - Bios!!! What the hell?!? How did you manage to break the isolinear chips in here more than they already were?!?
Baque - I’m bored!
Righteous - If you’re bored, why don’t you go help Lieutenant Greaser with the repairs to the engines.
Baque - NO!
Righteous - ... okay...
Senseless - Damn, my head hurts.
Bios - You should go have that looked after, sir.
Senseless - Alright. I’ll be in sickbay.
Righteous - Well, it looks like fighting the sinful Breen Confederacy is what the Prophets meant us to do. So this will be our mission, everybody: To convert strange, new worlds. To seek out and convert new life, and new civilizations. To boldly pray like no one’s prayed before.
Genocide - And I’ll get right on amending that.
Baque - Sir, warp drive is back online.
Righteous - Good. Set a course, bearing... um... 7... 4... 6... uh... oh yeah. Mark ... um... 3... 1... annnnddd... you pick the last number. Warp 6.
Baque - ... Course set.
Righteous stands up and the camera zooms in on his face for dramatic effect.
Righteous - ... Let’s see what’s out there. Engage!
With that the Celestial jumps to warp...
The big fancy “Executive Producers” thingy comes up.
A few seconds later, the Celestial is zooming through space, coming back from its previous course, weapons fire marks on its hull.
Righteous - I take it back, let’s not see what’s out there and just say we did.
Scene 18 - Sickbay. Senseless walks in a sees the place packed full. There is even a line of injured and dying No-Names leading out the other door on the other side of the room.
Senseless - Doctor?
Stoner - The doctor is busy right now. Can I help you?
Senseless - I think I have a concussion from that blow to the head I received on the bridge.
Stoner - Take a number. We’re a little busy right now.
Stoner hands Senseless a PADD. On it is written #528.
Stoner - Go to the back of the line.
Senseless heads out the door and follows the line. It winds all around the deck, through every corridor and into every room.
Senseless - I’m guessing most of you are just standing here waiting for friends... right?
All the crew people hold up PADDs.
Computer - All personnel present on Deck 7: Sickbay is now treating... Number 2.
Senseless - DAMN IT!!!!! GOD DAMN IT!!!!!
(really this time)