What If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers?
Written by Unknown
General Motors doesn’t have a “help line” for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers. But imagine if they did...
- Helpline
- General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
- Customer
- I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!
- Helpline
- Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
- Customer
- What’s an ignition?
- Helpline
- It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.
- Customer
- Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?
- Helpline
- General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
- Customer
- My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go anywhere!
- Helpline
- Is the gas tank empty?
- Customer
- Huh? How do I know!?
- Helpline
- There’s a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from “E” to “F.” Where is the needle pointing?
- Customer
- It’s pointing to “E.” What does that mean?
- Helpline
- It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you.
- Customer
- What!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!
- Helpline
- General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
- Customer
- Your cars suck!
- Helpline
- What’s wrong?
- Customer
- It crashed, that’s what went wrong!
- Helpline
- What were you doing?
- Customer
- I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed — and now it won’t start!
- Helpline
- It’s your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?
- Customer
- I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn’t crash anymore!
- Helpline
- General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
- Customer
- Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.
- Helpline
- Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?
- Customer
- How do I work it?
- Helpline
- Do you know how to drive?
- Customer
- Do I know how to what?
- Helpline
- Do you know how to drive?
- Customer
- I’m not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!