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What If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers?

Written by Unknown

General Motors doesn’t have a “help line” for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers. But imagine if they did...

Helpline
General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer
I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!
Helpline
Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
Customer
What’s an ignition?
Helpline
It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.
Customer
Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?

Helpline
General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer
My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go anywhere!
Helpline
Is the gas tank empty?
Customer
Huh? How do I know!?
Helpline
There’s a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from “E” to “F.” Where is the needle pointing?
Customer
It’s pointing to “E.” What does that mean?
Helpline
It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you.
Customer
What!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!

Helpline
General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer
Your cars suck!
Helpline
What’s wrong?
Customer
It crashed, that’s what went wrong!
Helpline
What were you doing?
Customer
I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed — and now it won’t start!
Helpline
It’s your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?
Customer
I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn’t crash anymore!

Helpline
General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer
Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.
Helpline
Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?
Customer
How do I work it?
Helpline
Do you know how to drive?
Customer
Do I know how to what?
Helpline
Do you know how to drive?
Customer
I’m not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!

This page was last modified on Wednesday, January 26, 2011.