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Chapter 1: “The Coronary Pilot: Caretaker Not Included”

Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

Published November 26, 1999

I’m pleased to report that the powers that be have agreed to let me write a “Voyager Coronary” episode. This episode is designed with the sole purpose of sending every last Voyager basher and nitpicker into heart failure. ☺

“Captain’s Log: Stardate: 53000.0. (an even number, how unheard of!!) We are continuing our journey home, still in the Delta Quadrant. Yes, that’s right, the Delta Quadrant. People insist we’re in the Beta Quadrant, but I say I’m The Captain so I’ll decide what the Quadrant is... And we’re in the Delta Quadrant... Mwaaa ha ha ha ha!!” (at this point 3 BBS members have collapsed)

At that point a Talaxian Bird of Prey decloaks off the port bow. Janeway screams, “My God!! They’re from Talaxia! ...Yes, Talaxia I say, Not Talax, but Talaxia... mwaaa ha ha ha!!” (at this point 2 more BBS Members have collapsed)

Janeway starts giving out orders, “Mr. Tuvok, raise shields!!” Tuvok raises the shields and says, “Now that the shields are up, beam the Landing Party back to Voyager.” (four die-hard transporter/shields BBS members collapse)

Chakotay makes a suggestion, “We should fire at them with 10,000 megatons of antimatter.” Janeway decides otherwise, “No... we will use 10,000 Isotons... Yes... Isotons, I say!!” (two isoton haters double over in agony)

And finally... The last straw... The Doctor calls Janeway to Sickbay. So Janeway turns to Naomi Wildman and says, “You have the bridge.” (at that moment the last of them collapse)

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