Chapter 3: “The Dawn of Sweeps Month”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
“Captain’s Log, Stardate 53013.31123... Oh, the Hell with it, Captain’s Log: Thursday. The Doctor, Seven of Nine, and Lt. Torres all had life-altering experiences just one week ago. Per my usual anti-continuity standards of compliance, I have had all of those memories erased from their mind. I do that so they will never ever mention life-altering experiences in subsequent episodes.”
Suddenly, a ship decloaks off the port bow... It’s the Original Starship Enterprise! Janeway is flabbergasted and says, “How the hell could the Original Starship Enterprise get in the Delta Quadrant???” Tuvok chimes in, “Captain, I must remind you that we have entered the Sweeps Month.” “‘Nuff said,” replied Janeway.
Voyager hails the Enterprise and Captain James T. Kirk appears on the view screen. Captain Kirk looks a little frazzled and he screams at Janeway, “What is the meaning of this attack??? Where is the crew of the Reliant???” Janeway is momentarily confused and then she realizes that Kirk is suffering from Temporal Psychosis. Janeway offers Kirk some Temporal Aspirin, Temporal Prozac and even some Temporal Midol. Kirk declines and he takes his ship into warp.
The crew considers what to do next. Just then, Seven of Nine enters the bridge and says, “Captain, I have to tell you something... I’ve decided to rejoin the Borg Collective.” Janeway screams, “what???? What brought this on?” Seven reassures her, “Don’t worry Captain, I really have no intentions of leaving, it’s just the UPN promo people demanded I say that sentence so that they can put it in the trailer for this week’s episode.”
Then Torres pages Janeway from Engineering and says, “Captain, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that this week I will not be ‘bad mood depression-arc’ B’Elanna, but instead I will be ‘team player’ B’Elanna. The bad news is that we are fresh out of deuterium... again.” Janeway snaps, “What the hell?? Why didn’t you tell me this months ago??” Torres answers, “I was waiting for Sweeps Month.”
At this point, Janeway calls a meeting of the senior officers and says, “Okay, we have a problem. We are low on power, we need to land the ship, Captain Kirk is losing his mind and we are in hostile territory... So, do we go to Gray Mode for the power drain... Or do we go to Blue Alert in order to land the ship... Or do we go to Yellow Alert because of the Enterprise Incident (no pun intended) ...Or do we go to Red Alert because we are in hostile space?” The crew takes a secret vote and the winner is.... drumroll... Gray Mode!!!
So Janeway and Torres get on the turbolift in order to get to Engineering... Janeway says, “Deck 12.” Torres interrupts, “Um, Captain, Engineering is on Deck 8... Or at least it was last week.” Janeway is losing patience, “You and your damn continuity, B’Elanna! I’m the Captain, so if I say it’s on Deck 12, then by golly it’s on Deck 12!!”
Chakotay pages Janeway from the Bridge and says, “Captain, we’re in over our heads... We are approaching the Demon Planet.” Janeway reminisces, “The Demon Planet... One of our more interesting missions... Was this the one where Paris and I mated and created lizard babies, or was this the one where we get duplicated by the magic goop?” Chakotay answers, “Choice B.”
Janeway sighs and says, “We have no choice... We must land on the Demon Planet... But I’m telling you, if Harry Kim dies... again... Then I’m putting him on report.”
Janeway turns to Torres and says, “This is turning in to the Week of Hell.” Torres realizes that Janeway’s last statement wasn’t melodramatic enough, so Torres says, “What about the Talaxians and the Vulcans, they are very dangerous... They almost killed us.” Janeway picks up on the cue and says, “No doubt... And I doubt we’ve seen the last of them....