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Chapter 8: “Janeway Dearest”

Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”

“Captain’s Log: Stardate: First Trimester. After being examined by the Doctor, I found out I am definitely pregnant. Oh, boy. I want to keep this pregnancy a secret as long as possible. So I deleted any reference to my pregnancy from the Doctor’s memory banks... I just love knowing all the command codes. I’m also hoping I can get my hands on the coat that Roxann Dawson used to hide her pregnancy in Season Four. Part of me is excited. I’ve always wanted to have a daughter. Of course, I will be happy if I had a boy too. I will simply have to dress the boy up in girls clothes. I’ve already begun thinking of names... Right now I’m leaning towards Mary-Jane. Mary-Jane Janeway has a lyrical ring to it.”

Suddenly a Dominion warship decloaks off the port bow. Janeway is incredibly annoyed and says, “Hail them!!” The Dominion crew appears on screen and Janeway says, “For the hundredth time, this is Voyager, not Deep Space Nine. Quit trying to turn Voyager into Deep Space Nine for crying out loud... Sheesh!!” With that, the Dominion warship disappears.

At this point Tuvok says, “Captain... Long range sensors are showing two Borg ships. Distance: 2 million kilometers.” Chakotay says, “What about the short range sensors?” Tuvok says, “Same thing... two Borg ships. Distance: 2 million kilometers.” Janeway is annoyed, “Tuvok, are they exactly 2 million kilometers away?? You’re never going to make Captain by rounding to the nearest million all the time!” Tuvok says, “Of course. My apologies, Captain. Distance: 2,000,014 kilometers.”

Chakotay panics, “We should go to Red Alert!!” Janeway disagrees, “No, Red Alert is becoming boring. Let’s try something new. All hands: Go to Hot Pink Alert!!”

Janeway then says, “If we proceed quietly and don’t announce ourselves, then the Borg won’t detect us... So no matter what happens, nobody transmit our coordinates to the Borg ships.” Suddenly Mr. Kim says, “Captain!! Somebody just transmitted our coordinates to the Borg ships!!” Janeway yells, “D’oh!!” Chakotay screams, “Who?? Who did it??” Mr. Kim answers, “The message came from the conn station... It was Mr. Paris!!”

Janeway walks over to the conn station, slaps Mr. Paris and she says, “Tom!! What on Earth did you do that for?? First of all, it is forbidden to send a message to the Borg. Second of all, it’s always supposed to be Seven of Nine who betrays us to the Borg.” Paris replies, “My reasoning is simple, Captain... I’ve been going without a storyline for months now!!” Mr. Kim chimes in, “No story?? Tom, what about the ‘Alice’ episode??” Paris answers, “That’s not even funny, Harry...”

Janeway is bitter, she says, “I can’t believe you would do this to us.” Paris says, “I’m sorry, Captain, but I’ve been sitting quiet in my conn station for too long now. It was time for me to get my revenge. It was time for you all to feel my wrath.... the wrath of conn!!” (insert loud claps of thunder here)

So Janeway relieves Paris of duty and sends him to the brig for oh... about 30 days. Chakotay takes over the conn station. Tuvok then says, “Uh, Captain, What about the two Borg ships?? They are now 1,231,402 Kilometers away.” Janeway barks, “Tuvok, you don’t have to give me precise numbers... Sheesh!! You could have just said 1.2 million kilometers.” Tuvok is confused, “But, Captain... you told me a few minutes ago to be exact.” Janeway screams, “And when was the last time I was a stickler for continuity?? ...You pedantic drone!”

So the Borg ships approach Voyager. Janeway groans, “Ugh, I guess this means we better bring Seven of Nine to the bridge. But damn, that woman gets on my nerves. Her and her damn Borg bionic breast implants... Seven of Nine, report to the Bridge.”

One of the Borg ships hails Voyager. A very familiar Borg appears on screen and says, “I am Locutus of Borg.” Janeway screams, “My God!! Its Captain Picard... How the hell did we ever talk Patrick Stewart into making an appearance on Voyager???” Locutus continues, “You will be assimilated... Resistance is futile.” Janeway corrects Locutus, “Actually, the correct pronunciation is ‘few-tyle’ ...not ‘few-till.’”

Locutus responds, “Grammar is irrelevant.” Janeway says, “Wait a minute, how the heck are you back in the Collective??” Locutus answers, “You think in such three dimensional terms... How small you’ve become.” Janeway responds, “Really?? You really think I’m becoming small? You really think I’m losing weight?”

At that moment Seven of Nine enters the bridge and Locutus says, “Damn!! That’s a fine-looking woman. She’s got a nice couple of boosters on her...” Janeway interrupts, “This is making me sick to my stomach... Chakotay, get us out of here.”

Chakotay panics, “I can’t! I don’t know how to work the conn station.” Janeway says, “You can’t work the conn?” Chakotay says, “No... I can’t... I hate this conn!!” Chakotay throws his hands up in the air and screams, “Conn!!!!!! Conn!!!!!!!

Seven whispers to Janeway, “Captain, I think I know a way we can defeat the two Borg ships.” Janeway says, “Really?? How?” Seven says, “Simple... We will use my nanoprobes. They always work!!” Janeway says, “Uh, Seven my dear, you do realize that we are dealing with the people that gave you your damn nanoprobes. Your nanoprobes won’t damage them in the slightest!”

Seven suggests, “Not if you enact the Voyager Directive.” Janeway says, “Of course!! All hands, this is the Captain. I get to say this two episodes in a row and I’m excited. I’m enacting the Voyager Directive: Plot holes and continuity are rescinded for the remainder of this mission.” Locutus looks scared and says, “Cripes!!”

Janeway says, “Okay, Seven... It should be okay now. Throw some nanoprobes on them!” With that, the two Borg ships are smothered with nanoprobes and they melt away into a puddle of goo. Janeway says, “Mr. Tuvok... Lock phasers on the puddle of goo. Destroy it!” Tuvok complies and says, “Captain, the Borg goo has been completely disintegrated from existence.” Janeway says, “I doubt we’ve seen the last of Locutus...” Chakotay says, “Oh Janeway, give it a rest already.”

“Captains Log: Supplemental. Our journey through the slipstream may have been brief, but it cut 10 years off our trip home...”

Brannon Braga says from off stage: “Ahem!!!

“Whoops... Captain’s Log: Supplemental. Due to Mr. Paris’ goofy behavior, I’ve reduced him in rank from Ensign to Janitor. But I’m still letting him pilot Voyager, pretty much because he seems to be the only one who knows how to do it. And since Seven of Nine saved the ship for the hundredth time, I’m thinking of promoting her to Eight of Nine. But that would require getting all the monograms on her towels changed, so I’m really thinking about this decision carefully.”

Meanwhile, in the coat rack room of Engineering, Torres is cleaning some things up and notices something’s missing. She says to herself, “Hmmmmm... the hide-your-pregnancy coat is missing... Somebody on Voyager must be pregnant....” (insert slightly dramatic music here)

This page was last modified on Wednesday, July 04, 2012.