Chapter 9: “Chuckles in Charge”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
“Captain’s Log: Second Trimester. Yep, I’m already in my second trimester. Time flies when you’re bloated, I guess. I think the crew is beginning to suspect something based upon my behavior. My hormones are wacked. I burst into tears at this morning’s staff meeting when Chakotay showed up two minutes late. Ensign Kim muttered something about me being an old, hormonal windbag. Note to the computer: As long as I am Captain, Harry Kim will never get past the rank of Ensign and will be forever doomed to stories like ‘Emanations,’ ‘Favorite Son,’ and ‘The Disease.’ Okay, well I better get to the Bridge, for some reason whenever I finish a log entry a ship decloaks off the port bow.”
Suddenly, a Ferengi ship decloaks off the port bow. Janeway shouts, “I knew it! I must be psychic!” Harry mutters under his breath, “I think you mean psychotic...” The Ferengi ship hails Voyager and the Ferengi Captain says, “Hello!! I’m a Ferengi. My name is Ted.” Chakotay says, “Ted?? That doesn’t sound like a Ferengi name to me.” Ted replies, “I know, but unfortunately the author of this story knows absolutely nothing about the Ferengi.”
Tuvok says, “Indeed... How can we help you?” Ted says, “I’m here to help you!! I am from the Ferengi Baby Furniture Academy. I hear one of your females is pregnant and I’m here to sell some baby items.” Janeway panics, “Cripes!! Tuvok, lock phasers on the Ferengi... Destroy them!!” Tuvok, the eternal brown-noser, complies without hesitation and destroys the Ferengi ship. The Voyager crew is astonished!!
Janeway decides she needs to leave Voyager before they discover her pregnancy. So she makes a grand announcement, “Chakotay, you are in command now. I am taking the Delta Flyer and I’m leaving Voyager!!” Chakotay screams, “Yes!! Captain at last!! ...Um, I mean, why?? Where will you go?” Janeway replies dramatically, “I intend to rejoin the Borg Collective.” Seven of Nine chimes in, “Really?? Can I come too?” Janeway says, “No... I don’t like you.”
The next day, Janeway packs her bags and Chakotay delivers a somewhat plagiarized good-bye speech to Janeway, “It should be noted that Janeway’s departure takes place in the shadow of new life... The sunrise of a new world. Of my Janeway I can only say this: Of all the souls I have encountered in my travels... Hers was the most..... annoying.” With that Janeway leaves Voyager and sets a course for Borg Space.
Chakotay looks around and says, “Now what?” Tuvok suggests, “Hmmm... Perhaps we should resume a course toward home... again.” Suddenly, a Klingon battlecruiser appears. A very weird looking person hails them, “Starship Voyager: I am Monty Kahless-Hall. I am Half-Klingon/Half-Game Show Host. I am prepared to offer you the chance of a lifetime.” Chakotay is excited, “Okay!!”
Suddenly, three wormholes appear out of subspace. Monty Kahless-Hall says, “There are three wormholes, One will take you to the Alpha Quadrant. One will take you back to Kazon space. And the third one will take you to a location that nobody has ever heard of before.”
Chakotay thinks for a while and says, “I choose Wormhole Number Three.” With that, Voyager flies into an unknown region of space. Chakotay asks, “Where the heck are we?? The Beta Quadrant? The Gamma Quadrant?” At that moment, 25 Frat Boys beam aboard Voyager. They initiate a panty-raid and spill beer all over the Bridge. Tuvok says, “They’re frat boys!!” Chakotay says, “Fraternity?? That explains it... We must be in the Phi Beta Kappa Quadrant.”
Meanwhile, Janeway joins the Borg Collective and runs smack dab into Locutus... again. Locutus says, “How is this possible?? You killed me in the last chapter!!” Janeway replies, “Oh Locutus, you speak in such three dimensional terms. Besides, we have bigger things to worry about.” Locutus says, “Like what?” Janeway replies, “UPN is going to go way over budget if they keep bringing you back as a guest star!!”
Locutus says, “Don’t worry. Our bigger problem is the rumor I’ve heard. They intend on bringing back Captain Kirk... for good. Do you know what this could mean??” Janeway groans, “Oh my!! If Kirk comes back, we won’t ever get our own movie ever again, no doubt. We must find Kirk, and kill him. I’ll chase him ‘round the moons of Nibia, and ‘round the Antares Maelstrom, and ‘round Perdition’s flames before I give him up!!!” Locutus says, “What the hell are you talking about?? I never heard of those places.”
Janeway says, “Let’s not worry about that right now! We need to get help to kill Captain Kirk. Let’s find the Borg Queen.” Suddenly, a very flamboyant Gay Man/Borg named Honey-Bee shows up. Janeway says, “Excuse us, we’re looking for the Borg Queen...” Honey-Bee says, “Honey, they don’t get any Queenier than me!” With that, Locutus, Janeway and Honey-Bee begin their plotting.
Meanwhile... back on Voyager...
“Medical Officer’s Log: Supplemental. Chakotay finally got us out of that ridiculous Frat Boy Quadrant and we have resumed a course toward home... again. The crew seems to be adjusting well to Captain Janeway leaving the ship. This was most evident in the big ‘Good Riddance Janeway’ party that was held last night in Holodeck Two. They must have sang ‘Ding-Dong, The Witch Is Dead’ at least two thousand times. On a more personal note, this unrequited love I have for Seven of Nine is becoming boring. So I have decided to make Seven of Nine fall in love with me. I have tuned her cranial implant to match my program’s sexual frequency. By doing this, Seven will find me irresistible...”
So over the next few weeks, Seven and the Doctor go out on several dates...
Torres rushes to the Bridge and tells Chakotay, “Chakotay!! The hide-your-pregnancy coat, its missing... Janeway stole it. Janeway must be pregnant!!” Kim says, “Somebody slept with Janeway... Deliberately??” Tuvok replies, “Indeed, the father must be either Captain Kirk or the Alternate Captain Ransom.” Chakotay chimes in, “Or it could be me... I found some of my DNA missing. Janeway might have pulled a Seska and impregnated herself with it.” The crew is baffled by this mystery.
Suddenly, The Doctor comes to the Bridge with Seven of Nine on his arm and says, “Good news, everybody!! I have asked Seven of Nine to marry me and she has accepted!! The two of us are engaged!!” Torres is shocked, “You and Seven? You’re engaged??”
At that moment, Chakotay decides to go for the pun of the century. He says, “Well, I never thought it would happen. I never thought Seven would get engaged. But here she is: getting engaged. It is official... We have engaged the Borg!!!”