“Dear Diary, Date: Third Trimester. Finally I’m ready to deliver this child. I’m having second thoughts about having this baby while I’m with the Borg. After all, Seven of Nine was raised by the Borg, and we all know what a pain in my butt she’s been. So I must find a way to get Locutus to help me escape from the Borg. This is, of course, assuming that Berman is able to pay Patrick Stewart’s eight million dollars for one more episode...”
At that moment Locutus walks up to Janeway, holding a check for eight million dollars in his hands. Janeway says, “Whew!! I’m glad you’re here. I need you to help me escape from the Borg Collective.” Locutus replies, “Why would I want to do that??” Janeway answers, “Because I can give you the woman you’ve always wanted... Seven of Nine.” Locutus says, “Paydirt!!”
Meanwhile... back on Voyager...
“New Captain’s Log: Supplemental. We are far from the places of our grandfathers. We are far from the bones of my people. I am not enjoying this new Captain thing. Voyager has been sitting in the middle of nowhere for months now. We have not moved an inch. I keep kicking myself for not getting the command codes from Janeway before she left us. However, the good thing is I have been able to entertain the crew with thousands and thousands of my ever-so-entertaining parables. Oh that reminds me, 17 crewmembers have shot themselves over the past few weeks. Oddly enough, they were the same ones who I always loved to tell my parables too...”
Suddenly a ship decloaks off the port bow... It’s the Starship Defiant!! Chakotay says, “Cripes!! Hail them!!” Voyager hails them and Avery Brooks appears on screen. Chakotay says, “Hey!! I know you... You’re the captain from Deep Space Nine... You’re name is Gene Siskel, right??” The man replies, “Obviously the author of this story has never watched a DS9 episode in his life. Gene Siskel was an American movie critic... I am Benjamin Sisko, Captain of the Defiant.”
Chakotay says, “Oh sorry, Mr. Crisco...” Sisko screams, “Sisko, you dolt!!” Chakotay continues, “We need your help, our Voyager is stranded here, we need some command codes.” Sisko replies, “Actually, I have come to take command of the Voyager. It’s much larger than the Defiant.” Chakotay panics, “But Mr. Frisco, I am the Captain of Voyager now... And besides I think you need a warrant or something in order to take over my ship.” Sisko replies, “Ordinarily that would be true, but I’m taking over Voyager and leaving you with the Defiant. Let the Starfleet rules and regulations be damned.” Chakotay freaks, “Mr. Disco, how can you defy Starfleet like that?” Sisko responds, “Duh, Chakotay... Hence the name... Defiant!!”
Mr. Kim interrupts, “Chakotay!! There’s yet another unauthorized shuttle launch in progress. It’s Seven of Nine, she’s taken the Delta Flyer!!” Mr. Paris chimes in, “How is that possible?? Janeway stole the Delta Flyer months ago!!” Chakotay says, “Oh, so now all of the sudden we are keeping track of our shuttlecraft? We never did that before!!”
The Doctor comes to the Bridge, tears pouring down his face. The Doctor announces, “Seven has broken off the engagement. I haven’t been able to ‘perform’ for her in weeks. It turns out somebody added an impotence subroutine to my programming.” Mr. Tuvok chuckles under his breath, “Heh heh heh...” Chakotay says, “Doctor, do you have any idea where she went to??” The Doctor replies, “She went looking for Captain Janeway.” Tuvok asks, “How can you be so sure?” The Doctor answers, “Because, I checked her alcove, when she left, she took the pair of baby booties that she made for Janeway’s baby...”
Meanwhile, after a daring escape... (Well it wasn’t really that daring, Janeway simply pulled the fire alarm to freak the Borg out while her and Locutus escaped in a Borg escape pod.) But anyways, the escape pod tries to find Voyager. Suddenly, Janeway screams, “My water broke!!” Locutus panics, “What?? Well, fix it!!” Janeway says, “You pedantic drone, I’m going into labor!” Locutus panics again, “Well hang on, you can’t have your baby here. It would take months to clean the stains out of the carpet!!”
Back on Voyager... Sisko is losing patience. “All right, Chakotay, I’m losing patience. You have five minutes to lower your shields and let me board Voyager... Or I’ll destroy you.” Tuvok whispers to Chakotay, “Thank God Sisko doesn’t realize that our shields are magical and allow people to beam through them sometimes.” Chakotay announces to the crew, “Yes!! That’s our advantage. Attention all hands: You must not let the Defiant know that they can beam through our shields!!” Mr. Kim groans, “Uh, Chakotay? You ever hear of the mute button?? Sisko heard everything you just said.” Chakotay yells, “Cripes!!” Sisko laughs and says, “Starship Voyager: Prepare to be boarded...”
At that moment, the Borg escape pod emerges from warp speed. Kim says, “It’s a Borg escape pod!! We must destroy that escape pod!!” Tuvok says, “Wait!! My scans show that Captain Janeway is aboard that escape pod.” Kim replies, “Like I said, we must destroy that escape pod!!”
Chakotay interrupts, “No!! Janeway is our only chance now, she has the command codes! Beam her directly to the Bridge!!” Tuvok beams Janeway to the Bridge. The crew sees that Janeway has her legs up in stirrups and is in the middle of childbirth. Chakotay says, “On second thought... Beam her directly to Sickbay.” But Chakotay stops for a moment, “WAIT!! Captain, you must tell me the command codes so we can get out of here!!” Janeway screams, “AAAAAAAAAAHH!” Chakotay is puzzled, “That’s the command code? How do you spell that? With 7 A’s or 8 A’s?” Janeway stops long enough to transfer command of the ship to Chakotay, and then she’s beamed to Sickbay.
Chakotay says, “Ha ha!! I have the command codes now! Mr. Paris, get us out of here... Warp eight!!” Paris bursts the bubble, “Uh, Commander, they put a tractor beam on us about 45 minutes ago.” Chakotay says, “Damn, that’s clever of them!!”
Suddenly, the Delta Flyer returns with Seven of Nine aboard. Seven yells triumphantly, “Never fear... nanoprobes are here!!” And just like the bugs in the bug-spray commercial, Sisko yells, “Raid??!!” The Defiant lowers the tractor beam, they beam Locutus aboard, and the Defiant jumps to warp. Chakotay says, “Well done, Seven... You’ve saved the day... again!!”
Hours later, Chakotay makes a log entry: “Former Temporary Captain’s Log: Supplemental. The crew was overjoyed to hear the news that Janeway’s daughter, Eliza-Jane Faye Janeway, was born on Stardate 53991.4. Kim is especially happy, as he chose 53991.4 in the Janeway Baby Pool.”
The crew’s next question is... Who is the father of Janeway’s baby?? The Doctor runs tests and says, “Oh, dear.” Janeway says, “What? ‘Oh, dear’ what?? Who’s the father?? Chakotay? Kirk??” The Doctor says, “I don’t know how this is possible, but the child has holographic DNA!” Janeway says, “Huh??” The Doctor continues, “Have you been deleting my short-term memory again?? Because this child... is mine.” (insert incredibly dramatic music here)
Meanwhile, in the darkest regions of the Delta Quadrant... Locutus and Sisko form a pact: They want to destroy Janeway and Voyager, once and for all. They decide they need a little extra help, so they page the original Starship Enterprise. The Enterprise appears and Kirk says, “Khan... I’m laughing at the superior intellect.” Sisko is confused and Locutus explains, “He’s got temporal psychosis.” Sisko says, “Ah-ha!”
And the wheels of revenge start turning...