Chapter 12: “To Hell with the Hirogen”
Written by Tim Mohr, aka “Cureboy”
“Captain’s Prison Log: Day Four. The Doctor and I have been held captive by the Hirogen for four days now... Hence the words: Day Four. The idea of having intimate relations with the Doctor is making me violently ill. I must try to find some way to escape our Hirogen captors. Of course, if I don’t have intimate relations with the Doctor then our Holographic Baby will be erased from existence. But I can live with it. The less diapers I have to replicate, the more coffee I can replicate instead.”
“Doctor’s Prison Log: Day Four. The very idea of having intimate relations with the Captain is making me violently ill. Although I know Janeway wants me in the worst possible way, she just loves to play hard to get. I must find a way for the two of us to escape and return to Voyager. Of course, this would mean our Holographic Baby would be erased from existence. But that doesn’t really bother me, as I know Seven of Nine is looking for a guy who isn’t tied down with a family.”
Suddenly, the Hirogen captor decloaks in front of the jail cell. Janeway says, “Enough with the cloaking already!!” The Hirogen asks, “So, have you two decided to have intimate relations? That’s the only way you’ll get out of here, you know.”
A stroke of genius hits Janeway. She asks, “Uh, Mr. Hirogen, have you ever actually seen a Human and Hologram having intimate relations?” The Hirogen says, “Well... no.” Janeway continues, “So how do you know we aren’t having intimate relations right now... We are, you know... There, we just finished. Doctor, was it as good for you as it was for me?” The Doctor plays along, “Yes, dear Captain, it was fantastic. I wish I had a holographic cigarette.” The moronic Hirogen says, “Very well, you may return to your ship.”
Meanwhile, on Voyager. The crew is buzzing with the news that Wesley Crusher has begun dating Naomi Wildman. Down in Engineering, Torres says to Mr. Kim, “Frankly, I think it’s sick!! Wesley is what, 25 years old?? And Naomi is what, 5 years old??” Kim tells Torres, “You haven’t heard? Naomi had another rapid growth spurt. She is now a full-figured 19 year old. Actually, you should be lucky, before Crusher got here, she was beginning to set her sights on Tom Paris.” Torres responds, “Grrrrr!”
At that moment, a subspace earthquake (they have subspace everything else, why not a subspace earthquake) rattles Voyager. An amnesia-inducing piece of conduit falls from the sky and bonks Torres on the head. Mr. Kim says, “Are you all right, B’Elanna?” Torres responds, “Of course, idiot! Now let’s get to work, we have 75,000 light-years to travel home, so we need to get this warp drive working!” Mr. Kim says, “What?? B’Elanna, we’re only 25,000 light-years from home. Well actually, if you ask Starfleet, we’re 65,000 light years from home. If you ask Janeway, we’re about 41,000 light-years from home. And if you ask the nitpickers, we’re 22,000 light-years from home, and in the Beta Quadrant, no less.”
Torres screams, “What are you talking about, you freak???” Kim says, “B’Elanna, do you know what season this is?” Torres responds, “Of course, this is the first season.” Kim gasps and says, “My God... She’s developed Reset Button Amnesia!!” (Insert dramatic music here)
Meanwhile, the Male Captain Legion of Doom (Kirk, Locutus and Sisko) plot their next plan to destroy Voyager. Locutus says, “I’ve got it!! I will disguise myself as Captain Picard and I will take the Enterprise-E right to Voyager’s location. When Voyager begins to trust me, that is when we will exact our revenge!!” Captain Kirk says, “What??? What’s wrong with using the Enterprise-A?? That’s a fine damn ship. It could do a ‘Z Plus Five Degrees’ maneuver that would make your head spin!!” Locutus says, “No! I’m taking the Enterprise-E, and that’s final!!” A fist-fight ensues.
Meanwhile, Janeway and the Doctor return to Voyager. Janeway tells Chakotay, “Yes, we managed to escape. Unfortunately our holographic baby has been erased from existence.” Chakotay says, “No, you’re wrong. The baby is just fine.” Chakotay hands the baby to the Doctor. The Doctor and Janeway look at each other, and groan, and say, “Damn those unpredictable temporal paradoxes...”
Hours later, The Doctor examines Torres and says, “Yes, you certainly have amnesia. You have to realize we are now in the sixth season.” Torres screams, “Sixth?? That’s impossible, I thought for sure we’d be canceled by the third season.” Torres gets up to leave and the Doctor says, “Where are you going??” Torres responds, “Hey Doc, no offense but you are insane. I am not suffering from First Season Amnesia. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have dinner plans with Kes, Seska, Mr. Jonas, Mr. Suder, and Mr. Hogan.”
Torres bumps into Paris in the hallway. Paris says, “Hey baby!! Here you are. I was thinking the two of us should have dinner tonight and then we can try out my new Holodeck program. It’s called The No-Tell Motel.” Torres looks at Paris and says, “A date?? Me and you??? A date?? That’s a good one!!” Torres doubles over on the floor, laughing her ass off. Paris storms off and runs right into Naomi Wildman. Paris says, “Hey Baby!! Here you are. I was thinking the two of us should have dinner tonight and then we can try out my new Holodeck program. It’s called The No-Tell Motel.”
Meanwhile, on the Bridge, the Enterprise-E decloaks off the port bow. Janeway hails them and sees Captain Picard on screen. Janeway says, “Captain!! I’m so glad you are here! Hey, what’s up with you? Why is your head covered in Borg implants??” Picard/Locutus says, “Oh... Um... It’s the new fashion wave... Direct from Milan... Yeah, Borg implants are chic this year.” The ever-gullible Janeway buys Picard/Locutus’ story. Picard/Locutus then says, “I have come to help you out, Voyager. But first, of course, you must lower your shields.”
Suddenly, another ship decloaks off the port bow... It’s the Enterprise-A!! Locutus groans. Kirk says, “Hey!! I just wanted to prove to all you Klingon bastards that the Enterprise-A is just as cool as that stupid Enterprise-E.” Janeway realizes they must have fallen into a Legion of Doom trap. Kirk then says to Janeway, “Hey, baby!! Come on over to my quarters, we’ll have lots of fun. I’ll even disengage the artificial gravity... Does that sound kinky or what??”
Suddenly, yet another ship decloaks off the port bow. It’s the Enterprise-B!! Captain John Harriman hails them all and says, “Hi, I hope I’m not intruding. It just looks like you’re having an Enterprise reunion.”
Janeway screams to her crew, “It’s a trap!!” Chakotay says, “Red Alert!!” Janeway slaps Chakotay and says, “I told you... No more Red Alerts... Let’s go to Fuscia Alert!” With that, the Voyager jumps to warp, leaving the Enterprise Reunion behind.
Locutus screams, “Kirk!! You ruined everything!... I’ll see you back at the Legion of Doom in a little while.” The Enterprise-E then vanishes. Captain Harriman then hails Captain Kirk and says, “Captain Kirk?? My ship has problems. One of the legs fell of a chair in the Officer’s Lounge. The wallpaper on Deck 12 is beginning to peel away. And the replicators are adding too much salt to all the meals.” Kirk is dismayed. Harriman continues, “Captain Kirk... I would appreciate any suggestions you might have...”
Kirk says, “Very well, I’ll save your sorry ass... again. But you will then owe your eternal allegiance to the Legion of Doom.” (insert loud claps of thunder!!)
Meanwhile, on Voyager. The Doctor rushes to the bridge with the holographic baby in tow. He hands her to Janeway and says, “Here, you have to watch her for a while, I have a hot date with Seven of Nine.” Janeway is fuming, “Doctor!! This is the Bridge for crying out loud!! Babies don’t belong on the Bridge!!” But it’s too late, The Doctor has quickly exited the Bridge.
Hours later, Torres enters the Mess Hall, expecting to have dinner with all of her long-dead colleagues. She spies Naomi and Paris at one table, enjoying a romantic dinner. She then sees Wesley Crusher in the corner crying, “Why? Why, Naomi, why?? I thought we had something special??”
She then sees the Doctor having dinner with Seven of Nine. Torres freaks and says, “Good Gravy Marie!! It’s a Borg Drone, on Voyager!!” She grabs her phaser and shoots Seven. The officers in the mess hall are astonished!! Torres realizes she’s in trouble, so she also shoots Wesley Crusher. That shooting does bring some applause from the crew, unfortunately she still must be punished for shooting Seven of Nine.
So Torres is thrown in the brig. But Torres is far too cool for the brig, so she stages a daring escape! (Well, actually, it wasn’t all that daring. She just told the security officer guarding the Brig that she left one of the lights on in a shuttle in the shuttlebay.) So the security officer let Torres out to go turn it off. Torres hops in a shuttlecraft.
Meanwhile... on the Bridge...
Janeway finishes burping her holographic baby when Kim screams, “Captain!! There’s an unauthorized shuttle launch in progress!!” Janeway says, “You sound surprised? That happens all the time!!” Kim says, “No, you don’t understand... Why, just a few days ago we had a truly authorized shuttle launch!” Janeway laughs and says, “Oh, get real, Kim.”
As Torres flies the shuttle away from Voyager she says to herself, “Those Voyager fools never appreciated me. In fact, there was only one group of people who ever truly appreciated me. So those are the people I want to spend my life with... Computer: Set course for Vidiian space...” (insert more dramatic music here)